#if i fail then i guess that proves i am indeed inadequate for the job. a bullet dodged by both parties etc.
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#i know i sound crazy (and maybe i am) but i'm so disappointed in myself for failing at the job interview tomorrow#yes disappointed in myself in advance lol you got that right! :)#i'm so disappointed in myself for freezing during the teaching sample or otherwise completely fucking it up#(i tried to go through it once just to see if there's actually enough content for 15 minutes but i kept fucking up and became so frustrated#so i just gave up)#i'm so disappointed in myself for coming off as an empty-headed idiot during the interview#(i have given practically 0 thought to any of the mandatory interview questions because i have no faith in myself at all so why bother?)#i'm so disappointed in myself for being so incredibly incompetent that i can't even answer the most simple content questions about my major#(i'm terrified to do research on the basic terms of linguistics in case the content questions have something to do with those#because what if i understand nothing or what if the questions will be about something else entirely?)#i know i'm full-on bullying myself at this point but i'm just...tired#i'm so tired of the emotional roller coaster of today. one moment i'm ugly-sobbing because i'm so stressed out and feel so inadequate#then i manage to pull myself together and focus for maybe half an hour max until i burst into hysterical tears again#all the while chanting in my head: ''i can't do this i can't do this i'm not good enough i'm not good enough''#by now i'm so exhausted that i wanna be like ''fuck it'' and go to bed and just. let go#i can't control everything so i should just go with the flow. whatever happens tomorrow happens for a reason right?#if i fail then i guess that proves i am indeed inadequate for the job. a bullet dodged by both parties etc.#it proves i wasn't meant for that job. it proves that i deserve unemployment. because i'm terrible at my job (or average at best)#i wish i could live like that (the ''fuck it'' attitude) but i want to succeed so bad 😭#i want to be perfect but i can't because i'm not and i know i'm being unreasonable because NO ONE is#ignore this please. i'm inconsolable lol
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