#if i ever get my conscience hooked up to like a simulated reality like in the shelter music video id want it to be this one 4ever i think

[skenpiel]

i feel a little melancholy because everything in the past 3 days since my birthday have been, like....... completely perfect. like. i wish the whole entire rest of my life could be like it is right now. where the only other people in the house are my mama and little sister, and none of us have any work or school, and were all spending all day long lazy and quiet and in our pajamas, and ordering takeout for dinner each night, everything just feeling slow and peaceful and GOOD. and theres leftover cake in the fridge and every time i look out the window its dark and snowing. and it makes me sad because this is how id like to spend the rest of my life if i got to choose. i wish things could be like they are right now, forever. but tomorrow everythings gonna go back to normal again. and that makes me feel a little sad, because i really love how things have been in the past 3 days

[emilyplaysotome]

Chapter 18 - What Goes Around Comes Around

Catch up on all Chapters here: http://emilyplaysotome.tumblr.com/post/173554646607/down-the-voltage-rabbit-hole-the-sequel-master

Meg didn’t let me discuss what she said. It was like her to do this - she had a way of forcing me to sit with thoughts and feelings in order to help me get past my initial knee jerk reaction.

She told me that after my dinner tomorrow we could regroup and really talk about what she’d said. She felt that a day’s time would allow me to reflect enough in order to accurately unpack my feelings. I wasn’t sure I’d have time to think things over properly, but I knew better than to try and argue with her right now. 

I could tell she was in a mood herself, and I had to imagine that between her breakup and her unexpected visit to the otome realm she was a bit of a mess herself these days.

Meg still did her best to be a good hostess, and tried to boost my spirits by pouring me a glass of wine and telling me about her own adventures. I felt sick to my stomach but did my best to listen and potentially experience the world that had allowed me to find love for the first time in a more objective way.

Just as it had been for me in the otome world, time progressed faster in that world than in our own. Whereas my week away from the real world had been the equivalent of a month or so in otome-ville, Meg had lived a little over three weeks in bizarro Tokyo before returning to the real world. Thankfully the king had apparently showed some semblance of a conscience upon her arrival and as a result he had provided her with food and shelter at the residence of the Gods putting everyone under strict orders to see that her needs were cared for (at least, everyone save for Zyglavis and Leon).

Naturally Meg had argued something fierce with the king about returning her immediately, but he wouldn’t budge and she quickly deemed the other Gods as useless for not stepping in and setting things right.

With the head Ministers away, Punishments was being run by Scorpio and Wishes by Karno. The Gods were aware of what had happened and meeting Meg for them became an event as they were eager to hear about the life of their comrades who were living in our world. Her annoyance grew in those first moments between their unwillingness to push back against their dictator king (as she called him) and the interrogation that followed (which stemmed from their natural curiosity).

Her disdain for them continued to grow as the night went on and as a result she found herself holed up in Leon’s uninhabited bedroom for the first few days in her new world, somewhat in denial of her bizarre circumstances. Though I had explained to her what had happened to me, it was still hard for her to fully wrap her head around being in a video game where handsome men existed purely to provide romantic escapism.

She knew that she was effectively powerless in so many ways, and I understood more than anyone how being around Gods with the ability to manifest anything with a snap of a finger could add to feeling small and incapable of changing one’s circumstances.

“For three days straight I cried,” Meg said. “I cried because I was angry. I cried because I was heartbroken. And I cried because with nowhere left to run and no distractions to be had…everything caught up with me.”

She told me during that time the Gods brought her what seemed like Chipotle, and I smiled at Scorpio having remembered that from my time in his world. Altair had also come by with lattes in the mornings, another small detail that warmed my heart and proved to me that despite her statement the people who lived in that world were more than just programmed robots. I felt as if my time there influenced them, and as a result her time as well.

When she finally emerged from Leon’s bedroom days later, Meg knew that she looked like a hot mess. She was still in the clothes she’d arrived in and her face was puffy and her eyes were swollen from crying so much. Partheno had been the first God she encountered that morning in the living room and upon seeing her he gave her a makeover, and provided her with a whole new wardrobe.

There was some distance in the way she spoke about him, seeing as how she never played any of the games that she experienced firsthand as reality. She was annoyed by how flirtatious and imposing they all were - treating her like a plaything because she was female, almost as if merely having a vagina was such an anomaly and meant that they couldn’t treat her as they would anyone else.

“It’s not just the Gods either,” she said. “All the men in that world look at you with starry eyes or with an agenda of some sort. Literally none of them just treat you like a normal human being - there’s always some romantic subtext or potential tension simmering under the surface. I think that’s why I looked for women and what I assumed were NPCs because it was exhausting to exist in this way…”

“I get that,” I said, still not fully sold on how she saw a world that had such a positive impact on my life, “But still...you didn’t enjoy the fantasy at all?”

Meg shrugged, “I mean, I certainly wasn’t a nun if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Wait...what?”

“What?”

“I meant more, there was no one who felt real to you? Who touched something inside you that’d been dormant for a long time? Because that’s what that world did for me…what those men did for me…”

“I don’t know Omi,” Meg said with a sigh. “Maybe it was just the freshness of everything that happened with Noah but I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to have feelings if that’s what you’re asking. They were hot. When I drank for whatever reason they became more appealing. But if you’re asking if I could ever fall in love with them? No, if only for what I said to you. As awful as this heartbreak is, I still want someone who chooses me because they choose me. I never want to wonder if they were to one day magically have free will if they’d have chosen me…if I stood a chance.”

“But...you didn’t have a date? Or remember what it was like to dream about romance with someone who could actually fulfill your wishes?”

“Maybe our wishes are just different. I wish to find a partner who is imperfect in real, human ways that I can grow with. Not a realistic simulation of humanity that feels good but keeps me safe. I’m not a...”

Meg stopped herself, realizing how whatever she might say could offend me and pass judgment that she didn’t mean to pass. Instead she sighed and offered me a forced, but sympathetic smile.

“I did have sex with a bunch of them if that makes you feel better.”

“What?!”

“Men are building sex robots. I figured this was a similar equivalent.”

“Who?? And didn’t that make them just...obsessed with you?”

“Probably but that’s just how they’re programmed,” Meg said with a shrug. “I didn’t care if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Wait a second.”

I pulled out my phone and opened the Love365 app. It had been awhile since I opened it and I watched as the typical opening animation was promptly followed by an error message that simply read, “Our games are currently undergoing maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Meg...”

“Do not tell me you’re going to slut shame me for enjoying myself in a rebound paradise full of hot guys, who all wanna bang me and doing so doesn’t run the risk of contracting STDs.”

“No, I would never…but how many do hook up with? The games are all offline.”

To that Meg giggled, “Huh, I guess there were real world consequences after all.”

“Meg!” I scolded her but I could feel the tension between us dissipate in that moment. Soon we were both laughing uncontrollably before she rattled off a rather long list of men she’d bedded.

Of the Gods she’d chosen Partheno, Tauxolouve, and Dui. Her life in the otome world has taken her to Addison & Rhodes seeing as how she too was familiar with advertising. There she’d had Dr. Maki, Toshiaki, Taku, and surprisingly enough Toma as well. She’d hooked up with Nomura after a night drinking at Station and Kaga who she met on line waiting for dessert even though she said she questioned if his hotness balanced out dealing with his arrogance. She’d also somehow managed to sleep with Rikiya Mononobe, Kota Igarashi, and Genji Higashiyama.

Out of principle she hadn’t touched a bidder. She told me that she met Baba pretty early on once she’d ventured out of the Gods mansion and went exploring. After sleeping with a few of the Gods that first week, she realized that they all began competing for her affections by conjuring a generous allowance which allowed her to enjoy the city, in addition to gifts (such as jewelry, clothes, perfume, and makeup).

Her first week she found through gaggle that the Tres Spades had not only a fun casino but a great bar and decided to spend her fifth night out on the town as she tired of the Gods bickering over her affections. In the casino Baba had attempted to pick her up, and I chuckled knowing that while he and I were like oil and water, him and Meg were something much worse, seeing as how there was nothing Meg hated more than a smooth talker.

In college I once watched her destroy a young man who approached her having read a few pick up techniques, and as he skulked away from her, tail between his legs she’d even gone so far as to yell after him, “NEXT TIME JUST SAY HI AND TREAT WOMEN LIKE PEOPLE!”

To Baba though, she was a challenge and he texted his friends to come meet the beautiful woman whose spirit reminded him of Ami’s. Somehow they kept popping up wherever she went, and as annoyed as she’d been by them she enjoyed toying with their emotions a bit. 

She felt it was merely giving them a taste of their own medicine, although I could tell that out of all the men in this world somehow she’d grown fondest of them despite never wanting to admit it.

“I think that’s everyone, but who can really remember,” Meg said with a sigh as she flopped back and laid on her couch, “I think I’m ready for a real rebound with a real human and a fuckton of therapy now so I can actually start moving on.”

In a way it was interesting how Meg was able to regard these men as nohting more than fantasy.

There was no guilt of casually sleeping with and leaving these men who she believed were essentially created for women’s pleasure (albeit through storytelling, not sex for the average otome fan). Her likening them to sex robots spoke to why she could never understand why I’d choose or want to choose Zyglavis. She didn’t understand that I’d seen him grow from something beyond his character’s starting point and while he still might be a fantasy, he was more real than she was willing to give him credit for.

We’d only talked about her flings and first week in the otome world when I realized that it was almost 11 PM, and with another workout scheduled before work I knew I needed to cut our catch up short.

“I’ll come by after the dinner…but I’m going to be honest,” I said as she walked me to the door. “I get where you’re coming from but I don’t know if I see it the way you do.”

“I know,” she said as she hugged me. “And that makes me appreciate what you did for me even more. Get home safe ok?”

“Talk to you tomorrow.”

She closed the door behind me, and I found my way outside and to the subway. As I walked, I thought about what she said.

Before I’d woken up in Ebisu with Doctor Irie, my dating life felt like a real struggle. If I’m being honest, it was all very scary and overwhelming for me and I felt slightly bitter that it seemed as if my friends had all fallen into these perfect relationships. Meg’s breakup had opened my eyes to the fact that what looks perfect on the outside often is anything but, however at the time it felt like I was the odd woman out.

The longer I went without having a boyfriend, the more I wondered if I was just not the kind of woman that men like. Those thoughts ate away at me. I wondered what it was that I needed to change in order to find someone who would love me, all the while feigning confidence at work and rising in the ranks.

Professionally, I knew how to fake it until I made it but personally I had no idea.

In a city like New York I was able to compete and win when it came to my job but when it came to my personal life and the core of who I was, I found myself faltering. There’s a sea of prettier, younger, smarter women that I admire while simultaneously using their existence to validate why no one would ever pick me in the end.

So yes…I suppose in a way Meg was right when she said that I opted for something and someone who felt safe.

Safe was something that I hadn’t felt in many years while dating and it felt good to have the upper hand for once. With the king’s game I was using the confidence boost that being in the otome realm had provided me, and it was only now that I questioned the root of that confidence.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the dress I’d worn to show off for Hijikata earlier that morning. I thought about the kiss from Eisuke and the moments I shared with Jin in his office.

It was all because of me.

It was because of the person I’d become, and even if it took a vacation from reality to get there I knew in my heart that I was better for it.

I sighed aloud to no one in particular and descended the stairs to the subway. I swiped my card, walked through the turnstile, and saw that my train home was 3 minutes away.

I plugged my headphones into my phone, untangling them from having been jammed in my bag and plugged my ears with my iPhone earbuds. I was looking through my library, deciding what kind of song I wanted to lose myself in when I heard in the distance a man ask, “Have you seen this woman?”

“What about you? Have you seen her? No? Ok, thanks anyway.”

I glanced up but the man shuffling from person to person on the platform was wearing a baseball cap and I figured he was probably just another New York City late night nutjob. My mind was too filled with the otome world and the people I’d met there, as well as Meg’s words about the dangers of getting lost in a fantasy to care about a random crazy person.

I selected “We don’t talk anymore” and dropped my phone back into my bag, letting out yet another melancholy sigh as I thought about the fact that I didn’t feel like waking up early to play this game anymore. I wanted it all to just work out. I wanted things to be easy and safe and I wanted, no I felt as if I deserved, to catch a break after all this time and everything that had happened.

“Excuse me, miss have you seen this woman?”

I jumped, startled as the man thrust a phone in my face that had a picture…of Meg on it.

Surprised I looked up and saw that under the cap hid distinctly light brown pinkish locks and when I looked up I saw the face of a lovesick Partheno.

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Thanks for reading :)

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