#if i didnt have such crippling social anxiety thats so bad my therapist is always inpressed

[squaregoals]

Finally, I am on the last editing stage of the chapter 6 for Mercy. Phone is still looking like a kaleidescope, but I can at least sort of post. My computer screen is fixed now, still can't access internet because of how it got fried when the power went out (that villain AU the power outage inspired is coming along lol) but one of the people at work's computer's I steal is gone tomorrow so hopefully!!! It!! Will!!! Be!!! Posted!!!

[pjisskullourful]

I'm so proud of you

🫂⭐

thankyoooou my darling💖

stream of consciousness response cos i have so many feelings& idk if im gonna be able to sleep even though its 1.30am? okcurrrrr

holy fuck. holy fuck. HOLY FUCK!!!

i had some shitty things happen to me pre -pandemic but then being on lockdown i was forced to sit with all of that, accept the label of 'victim'& my mental health got bad. i've always been a homebody& a bit anxious in social situations, but during lockdown i became quite terrified of the outside world. there are occasions when i let my best friend down by pulling out of commitments at the last second cos i never felt good enough, i wanted to hide the fuck away, i felt myself decaying& i thought people would see that& i was SO ashamed& thats when the body dysmorphia got in the drivers seat(the street name of the concert venue was driver, i'll be the driverrrrrr)& it was crippling & took so many things from me

anytime i leave the house is an accomplishment for me now. even if its just to walk down the block to buy a loaf of bread. & going into a situation like a concert, with the overstimulation, the complete lack of control (i am a perfectionist, control freak)(i love structure, i need routines to feel safe & thrive& be happy)- i wasnt sure i could do it. i had a cry last night cos i was feeling so intimidated, i didnt know how to prepare

but i made it out of the house. i dressed myself to the fucking nines with no shame. i took PRIDE in my appearance when usually i just want to be a floating brain so that no one can perceive me in my form. i was serving CUNT, i put my entire pussy into it& i fucking did it

to be in the presence of those four fuckers, im in disbelief. i've been unemployed since a bit before the pandemic, i've had to come to terms with ptsd & the fact that i now have a disability & idk how to just jump into another job. i feel so worthless so often. but here, i dont. i had given up on my dream of making money from my writing. but now i am!(& it started with an ethan commission!!!) & im not worthless& i have accomplishments that i have gained for myself, despite everything else, despite the voice in my head telling me im not good enough, im past my peak, im decaying -- yada yada yada suicidal ideation

a little bit of my dream came true because of those four fuckers. i cried the day honey came out cos i am just so completely grateful for everything being a fan of them has given me

& it started with an ethan commission. & then ethan looked in my eyes& said thank you

i am not worthless, i am not past my peak. i am a motherfucking kool kid

thankyou for every note on every fic(i look at every single notification, they make my heart fucking soar), every kudos, every cent anyone has sent my way. tonight was a celebration of all of that& i could be present& happy& in it. no darkness could touch me, especially not while ethan was looking at me

he is as fucking flawless in person(they all are). i got to stand so close& stare at that fucking body(cos he wonderfully took his shirt off after interval)& i love him& i'll most likely love him forever, thats my baby daddy ❣️ my mum is gonna be so proud. i wish i could wake her up with a phone call. ethan is her fav& i cant wait to tell her i had an interaction with him

i sat in the gutter& went from loudly laughing(ala gaga in aura) to sobbing loudly. my world has been rocked

for some people a concert is just a concert but this is a GIGANTIC deal for me. middle finger to my anxiety. middle finger to my body dysmorphia. this is such an accomplishment. i am grateful for every fucking second, grateful to myself cos i fucking DID IT!

& this is the second time this year that i've seen a eurovision winner perform their winning song(cos my girl conchita back at the start of the year). & that is dopee as fuck!!!

my therapist is gonna be so proud 🥲

can i get a HELL YEAH for vallium? ily forever bby

tldr-- im proud of me too babyyyyyy

[the-kipsabian]

hi im gonna vent about something here sorry in advance a quick talk about my mental issues and my mom so you know what youre getting into

if your child has an illness and you know it, as a parent you should be able to tell them that and talk to them about the issue by its real name instead of just masking it as something else, much more minor and make it for the kid so much more difficult to correct

i know its scary to figure out your kid has something - be it mental or physical - wrong with them, but you should always. ALWAYS. tell the child that in the correct terms and let them be the judge of it whether or not they want to be the one telling ppl with that knowledge that ‘yeah i have x’ or just mask it all behind one of the visible symptoms instead of telling the full story to whoever

cause if you see your child struggle with heavy mental things like anxiety induced by the fear of social situations, up to the point where its. literally running the child’s life to the ground for multiple reasons (no friends, bullying, bad results in school, etc.), just telling the child that ‘oh yeah its just because youre shy’ while fully knowing whats actually going on cause youve enlisted them to see multiple therapists about this problem and openly call them therapy sessions around the child, have their medical records at your disposal, etc. is actually super fucking harmful on the long run

i went from. the first grade to maybe two years ago being the most socially awkward, anxious bean ever. thats about 19 years of struggling with the same issues, most caused by the crippling social anxiety i had outside home - i couldnt talk to like any adults other than my immediate family, when there were more than maybe two other kids around i shut out, etc. i just. couldnt do any of that, and it was always masked as ‘oh youre just a very, very shy child!’ up to literally the point when i turned 18 and could see the schools counselor without the school alerting my mom about it where he actually gave a fucking real name to it like ‘oh you have some form of social anxiety’ and i was like -cue that shocked pikachu meme here-

i went through three different types of therapy as well. all of that being called some type of therapy openly by my mom and others around me (up to the point where my aunt was literally like ‘is your daughter insane’ and im like. yeah okay i guess), but how was is ever explained to me as a youngling ranging from ages 12 to 15? (also yes. i struggled with this since i was 7 and yet i didnt get any help for it before after i was 12 when it apparently only really became a problem despite being there years before that too wowwowwow) ‘youre going to this thing that’ll help you with your shyness’

i mean.. i kinda get it. to a child its easier to explain things via the more notorious symptoms. but it was always more than that to me in my head. like no, just shy kids dont get stiff with fear when they need to read a ready paragraph on their seat in class from a book literally in front of their face, or lift their arm up in class to maybe get picked to answer a question. they dont get called randomly and freeze the fuck out and just stare at their desk trying not to cry cause they know the answer but they just cant force the sound out of their throats. no. shy kids still most of the time manage to do that shit. kids with social anxiety however? a whole lot a different story

what im getting at here is that since the very beginning, it would have been so much better for me, me seeking help to this, and actually managing with it, if i would have known the actual name for what was wrong with me (like do you know how much easier it is for me now to say to ppl that ‘oh btw i have an anxiety disorder that kicks in with social situations so if im off thats it’ instead of just being like ‘oh sorry im shy’ and getting pushed over my limits cause ppl think that’ll help me) instead of it just being framed as something else cause, im guessing as i have no actual idea about this and no im not going to ask my mom about it cause she doesnt know about me currently going in therapy either, it was supposedly easier to explain to a child than giving them the actual name or full explanation of the thing that was actually wrong with their brain

kids arent dumb yall. and especially if youre a goddamn parent of a child that has any sorta problems, you should be able to talk with that child the way they deserve. openly and honestly and be truthful to them. hiding things from them wont do anything but hurt them on the long run, no matter what you think. youre only defending your own feelings by doing it, and thats not gonna do them any good either