#if hes back together with the dude it changes 0 things in our lives anon

[andrwgarfields]

Yeah I don’t think people need to say friends didn’t like the boyfriend because your strangers ;obviously and you wouldn’t know whether they liked the boyfriend or not. Let’s not rewrite history to make fan fic lol. This whole thing probably started as a couple fight and not even a breakup but we wouldn’t know , because we personally don’t know them lol. Joe could be with him next week while all these people you claimed didn’t like him are sitting at the table. I remember kit said in an article that the public doesn’t truly know you and are only seeing a faction of you, let’s remember that and not project and assume things

or imagine this…

[daebak-dreams]

⚠️𝘠𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦! 𝘉𝘛𝘚⚠️ 𝘎𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘣𝘪𝘨 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘻𝘦, 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘶𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦, 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘱𝘢𝘫𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦

Anon Asked:  Hi my beautifuls! I know your probably swamped right now, but if it’s not to much to ask, may I please request yandere!BTS when after a big fight they come over to your house to apologize, only to find a random dude there in their pajamas (that they keep at your house) ??? thank you so much aND THE ANON THAT KEEPS LEAVING HATE BOUT TO CATCH THESE HANDS🙌🏻 gracias🇲🇽💚💛❤️

Ooohh spicy! Here you go love ! And aww thank you so much for the protection haha! 

S E O K J I N

He would be stunned from the minute he sees the mysterious car in the driveway, up to the moment that he sees the mysterious man in your house, wearing familiar clothing, his clothing. Not knowing what to say at first, or how to handle the situation, he would briskly push past the man that answered the door for you, knowing the one who knocked was probably Jin, in which it was. Of course he cared for the man that was there, wanting questions, but you were his first priority, so he wanted to get to you before confronting him. 

After finding you in the living room, questions started to pour from him as he asked things from if you were okay, then finally over to who this man was, and why he was there. Of course your friend tried to intervene which he just ignored, but if it became too much for him, he would then turn around and sock him one right in mouth with all the pent up anger he felt. 

“You’ve finally pissed me off..”

N A M J O O N

He was dumbfounded that you actually not only let another man into your private life, but also let him wear his clothing, that belonged to him. He was hurt on the inside but all he could do was gawk as he came peeked over yours shoulder, after you opened the door, only to see this strange man sitting there on the sofa with his shirt on. He ignored your lingering and annoyed glance as you asked him what he was doing there. He didn’t mean to disregard you, but he was trying to piece together why this was happening.Why you weren’t okay for him to be there, but this man could. He had, had enough. He gently pushed past you and gave one warning towards this man to leave or he would have hell to pay. Not wanting any trouble, he did just what Namjoon said and took off, with his shirt. 

But he didn’t care about that, all that he wanted was right in front of him. But that still didn’t mean he was happy about the whole ordeal. He looked over at you, but before you could utter another word, his more dominant demeanor came out as he lifted you off the ground, and over his shoulder, then made his way towards the bedroom, knowing that the only way you would learn is by the punishment of sweet surrender. 

“I hope you’ll learn not to let another man near you again..especially when I’m not around...”

Y O O N G I

It was a big mistake to have someone use something that belonged to him, but it was even a bigger mistake letting him into the house of the person who belonged to him too. He would go from 0 to 100 without warning, as he lunged at the guy pulling in the collar of his own pajamas, not caring if the seams started to come apart, by the tight grip and way he held onto the cloth. The only color that he saw was red as he shoved him to the ground with a hard ‘thud’. This sent you in a flurry as you tried to get in the way, and although this stopped him from taking a step forward, not wanting to hurt you in the process, it didn’t stop him from cursing at him at the top of him lungs. This made both you, and your friend jump for you had never heard his voice get that loud before. 

Not knowing what was to come next, your friend got up in one swift movement and booked it out the door. After he had gone, all Yoongi could do was sit down as his temp also came down with the movement of his body. He felt embarrassed as he sat there in silence, not wanting to say anything in fear of scaring you anymore than you already where, but he knew it was the right thing to do, to run out this man from your house, and hopefully your life.

“I-I’m sorry (y/n)...I just couldn’t control myself by seeing that bastard around  you..”

H O S E O K

This boy would be extra sassy, during the whole situation. It was one thing to give another man permission to be so close to you, let alone your own home, but letting him use his clothes, that belonged to him? He did not like or appreciate that one bit. He didn’t like sharing and that went for anything and everything, but mostly it went for you. You were the one thing and person in his life that he minded sharing and he didn’t care to hide how he truly felt. He had claimed you as his a long time ago, so he made sure to teach a lesson to anyone who didn’t grasp that, and that’s just what he was going to do with this person. That is, if you hadn’t stopped him from doing so. The thing about J-hope, was that the only person that he listened to was you. 

So when he walked in that day, you made sure to stop him before things got ugly. All he could do was stand behind you as he snickered at the man who was clearly scared. He didn’t know much about Hoseok, but he knew that when it came to someone’s significant other, people had different reactions and he didn’t want to stick around long enough to see what kind of reaction he would have, so he left as Hoseok stood there, snickering and whispering menacing things under his breath while his eyes stayed fixated on him. After all was quiet he gave you an innocent smile your way, wanting to forget everything from the fight to now.

“Hey Jagi...Want to go get some food?”

J I M I N

Surprisingly this boy would be calm. Calm on the outside, but reaching his boiling point on the inside. You had never really seen him in action when it came to his jealously reaching that point but you weren’t about to let that happen as he entered the bedroom, where you and you friend from school was sitting on your bed and talking about the incident between you and Jimin, a few hours earlier. But the conversation came to an abrupt stop once Jimin emerged, dangling the spare house key you had given him, with a broad and sinister smile, plastered across his face as he looked over at the two of you. Worried about your friend’s safety, you urged him to leave Jimin’s pajamas there on the bed and just leave before he could get ahold of him. Seeing the expression on your face was enough to make him get up and leave without question. 

After he left, Jimin kept his smile upon his face, feeling satisfied with him gone. He didn’t want to have to resort to violence, especially in front of you. Though, he wasn’t going to leave you off the hook so easily. Being apart from you after the fright between you two, was hard enough for him. The only thing he could think of was to go over to you, with his arm outside just as his smile still was while he wrapped those arms around you and pulled you closer and whispered in your ear. 

“Were you trying to get back at me for earlier, by letting this stranger into our home? What would’ve happened if I didn’t get here in time? Hmm?”

T A E H Y U N G

The fight was enough to break his heart, he never liked to fight with you, for the fear of you leaving him or hating him. But when he came into your house to see this other man, next to you, while wearing his clothing, that’s when his heartache was replaced by frustration as he start to grow erratic. Immediately, his vision blurred as he ran over to where you and this stranger was, knocking him to his side first, before grabbing you by your arms, He looked you in the eyes as he questioned if you still loved him, and if not, was this man your new lover, but before you could answer, there he was, pleading you not to leave him, over and over again. He started to sound like a broken record, which scared your friend and sent him on his way, leaving you two there, you in shock, and Taehyung, now sobbing as his hands trailed down from your arms to hands that sat in your lap. 

You couldn’t help but feel slightly sad for him as you tried to calm him down, but it was no use, even with the man now gone. This was his greatest, fear. You leaving him, and for someone else. He didn’t know what to do in this situation, he was mad with this stranger around you, but he was more upset with himself that it came down to this, feeling that it was his fault, he couldn’t help but blame himself.

“Please..Please...Please....Don’t leave...I’ll change..I’ll do whatever you want...”

J U N G K O O K

Just like Yoongi, his sense would flare and he would act upon them without hesitation. The minute that he waited at the door for you to answer, only to see a man who was clearly wearing his shirt, open and step off to the side from behind it, he lost all control. Right away, he flew through the doorway, and onto the ground, taking the man with him who cried out from surprise. Jungkook got up, but not without giving him a good punch, straight to the middle of his face, making him yelp out with another cry. This made you stir from the other room. Wondering what the commotion was, you made your way down the hallway with a curious look upon your face, only for it to disappear the minute that you laid your gaze on Jungkook who stood, heavily breathing over the man who laid unconscious under him. 

He felt you presence but couldn’t look at you. Yes he was anger with you, but more anger with this man for coming into your home so freely. But he was also mad at himself for acting like that in front of you. Thank goodness, you hadn’t witnessed the whole ordeal, but there you were, trembling from the whole scene. This was just great, sarcastically speaking. He had came to make things better, but it seemed he had only made things worse.

“(y/n)...I didn’t want you to see this...”

I hope you liked it !

-Admin Bonbori 

[thatyanderecritic]

Deathless

Title: Deathless

Media: Book, Author: Catherynne Valente

Yandere(s): Koschei the Deathless (Or as Julie and I like to call him: “Kosher”)

Yandere Scale: 1/5 (Julie: 0/5)

Criticism written by: Kai

Editor: Julie

Before we begin, Julie and I have two different views on this book. To keep things clean, I did the review while Julie did an analysis; which you can read here.

The Review:

Sigh… Kai here, back with another review. This time I’ll be reviewing the confusing and difficult to follow novel: Deathless. Bear with me as we go down this rabbit hole of a review.

Now booting Kai 2.0 … Version: Salty

Deathless is a story about… uh… Deathless is a tale about a girl named Marya (Mary? Maria? Idk how to pronounce any of these Russian names if it’s not Ivan or Dimitri.) who get whisked away by the tsar of life: Kosher- I mean Koschei and become his wife. In the beginning of the book, Marya was seduced by Koshei and his magical lifestyle. After succeeding in the three tasked made by Baba Yaga (yeah, IDFK. Apparently the Baba Yaga and Koschei are siblings), Baba Yaga gives her blessing to Marya and Koschei’s wedding. But Marya was warned that she would leave Koschei in the future and fall in love with a man named Ivan. Marya swears that’ll never happen; she’ll kill Ivan and eat his heart. Immediately starting in part 2, Marya falls in love with Ivan in the middle of fighting a war with Koschei’s brother (IDFK man, this shit is hard to follow). Marya runs away with Ivan and together they suffer in hunger and poverty. Koschei goes running to Marya and begs for her to take him back. Marya locks Koschei up in her basement (fuck man, I’m so lost) and had Ivan promise to never look in the basement. For a time, things seem to be well with Marya fucking Koschei in the day and banging Ivan at night. But Ivan, being a nosy motherfucker, looks in the basement and discovers Koschei. After Koschei tricks Ivan to give him some water to drink, Koschei regain his magic and kidnaps Marya. Now in part 3 (the final part), Marya and Koschei are living a happy married life in a small Russian town with happy villagers. Things are going swimmingly till Marya gives birth to a little girl… that little girl being the embodiment of Koschei’s death. Koschei died and Marya is freed. Turns out that Koschei had the two of them trapped in a peaceful dream within an egg. But the thing is, Koschei’s death is hidden within an egg… which is why he died (Don’t look at me, I’m fucking tripping as it is as I’m recalling the story). Now back in the real world, Marya looks for Ivan; who was dying from old age. After watching Ivan die, Marya moves on and discovers a town like the town in the dream. There, all her fairytale friends are living there as humans.Only the Baba Yaga recalls Marya and explains how Koschei’s brother won the war and turn all the mystical into the normal. Koschei is still alive in the village and Marya decided to visit him to see if he remembers her… I guess. The ending is ambiguous.

Anyways… what the fuck did I just read? Well… Julie and I technically didn’t read the full novel. Our knowledge comes from a combination of: an 11 hour audiobook of Deathless (which we didn’t finish because we were confused as fuck), the wikipedia summary, two reviews on Deathless, and the actual hard copy of the actual book (which we didn’t finish because we were confused as fuck). Let me just complain here and say this book is damn near unreadable and almost unintelligible. First, people talk as if they’re the goddamn Riddler from Batman. Characters were unable to straight up say what they mean, phrases have double meaning, and it was like reading the writings of Dr. Seuss’s less talented brother. Descriptions were just a fucking pain in the ass to comprehend. Everything about this book was a fucking mental gymnastics. Julie and I had to stop every five minutes to decode what the hell is going on.

You see that? All that flowery words bullshit? Marya is just throwing up. JUST SAY SHE’S THROWING UP AND MOVE ON. CHRIST. It took Julie and I three minutes to figure out what this description was suppose to be about. And this was one of the easier descriptions. It doesn’t even help that the story itself is just plain nonsensical. It felt like I was reading the words of the author after she puked out alphabet soup. Already, Deathless was basis on a Russian folktale that was already wild. With the combination of awful dialogue and confusing description, it was just a maze of a book to traverse.

I get some people will argue with me that this is a good book. For one, I probably just don’t understand it because it’s not my culture. Sure, you might be right. But so is the author… Catherynne is an American. Not Russian. Besides, the original folktale that Deathless is based on was easier to follow than this crap. Next argument some might have is that “Deathless is too sophisticated for your simple mind to handle.” No. It’s not. It’s ridiculously complicated for no reason. Complicated does not mean well written. There is nothing wrong with writing something simpler… you’re trying to create a novel that all adults regardless of age can understand. Truth be told, the writing in Deathless reminds me of the stuff you’ll find in creative writing class. This sort of story would get notes everywhere saying “Less description. More action” or “What do you mean? Clarify.” You're not the next Da Vinci code but a storyteller. Can’t tell a story if it ain’t readable. To compare this book, I would compare it to those research papers you would read in college. Lots of information but written by someone who’s trying to sound smart.

Moving on from my bitching, let’s talk about the one thing people care about the most: the yandere and characters. Based on what Julie and I were able to figure out, Koschie is the supposive yandere here. First let’s talk about him. Besides talking like the chester cat from Alice in Wonderland, Koschie was a surprisingly passionate guy who really cares about Marya. The best scenes with Koschie are the scenes when he isn’t talking and just physically showing his physical affections for Marya (lol). You know the phrase: “You look better with your mouth closed”? That fits perfectly for Koschie. Koschie’s physical interactions with Marya is the only straightforward thing with this entire novel.It was the rain in a desert. Anyways… even though Koschie was a passionate guy, it doesn’t make him a yandere. He breaks many of our rules… but the biggest one he broke was that Koschie still fucks other women besides Marya and keeps a collection of his past wives in a factory. I know the anon explains that these wives were actually Marya in another cycle? But honestly, it doesn’t change anything for us. Btw, anon, you’re seriously a champion for figuring that out. Julie and I did not know at all that this was supposed to be a cycle at all. Shit… I feel like we’re a part of game theory for trying to figure out what this author even means. Spoiler alert: If you have to do a conspiracy theory on your novel, your book ain’t that great.  

Sorry… back to Koschie. Anyways, Koschie says some pretty words here and there. He sounds pretty yandere on paper… I guess. But Koschie bangs other chicks and lets Marya bang other dudes too on the side. Sure, I guess this is a progressive poly relationship. Good for them. But poly relationship plus yandere? It just doesn’t mix. This ain’t it chief. Koschie skims on the edge of being a yandere and being not a yandere. Sure he kidnaps Marya, kill some dudes that have the name Ivan, and say some possessive shit to her, but the actions just doesn’t line up. I don’t know… with the cycle theory in play here, I just see Koschie as a broken man who’s trying to reclaim control over his life. Not exactly a yandere per say. Like imagine: getting cuckold by some normal human, over and over again. Shit, I would go crazy too. I feel really bad for Koschie for falling in love with/having a wife like Marya. Apparently, Koschie and Marya are the same type of people but idk man… Marya is kinda of a crazy bitch too.

I’ll just briefly talk about Marya now. As we all know, a female lead defines a yandere. And Marya? Yikes man. I don’t know where to start with her. First off, Marya somehow managed to be both smart and stupid at the same time. We see that she’s clever enough to solve Baba Yaga’s tasks but she so goddamn stupid. Because of her curiosity, she’s extremely meddlesome and got Koschie almost killed even though he told her not to fuck with the egg… yet she fucks with the egg anyways. Then we jump to part two where Marya is more jaded and blames Koschie for all her misfortune (Idk). It’s not like he did anything bad to her. Honestly, reading their interactions, Koschie has been nothing but a gentleman to her. Besides the fact he bangs other women and like to do some weird power play on Marya, he’s pretty chill. If anything, she brought her own misfortune herself. She chased after Koschie because she’s fascinated by magic and wanted to be part of that world. Now that she’s part of that world, she doesn’t want to bare the burden of it anymore and return back with the humans; with Ivan. Btw, Marya wanted to sort of “keep” both Ivan and Koschie at the same time (because she’s thirsty). I mean… I get the sentiment, but Koschie literally stated that he wasn’t comfortable with that but Marya had her bitchy mode where she scratched Koschie and told him not to talk to her in that way (Weird flex but okay?). Ivan wasn’t cool with the arrangement either, hence why Marya left with Ivan. But oh the irony. Marya left with Koschie to avoid suffering, hunger, and fascination for magic but now with Ivan, Marya returned back to a life of suffering, hunger, and the normal. Again, more irony, Marya and Ivan have a fight because of their lifestyle. This is the part where Koschie comes begging at her door. And Marya, only being able to think with her vagina now, bangs Koschie and locks him in her basement. Just like how Koschie did a weird power play over Marya, Marya now does a power play over Koschie. One of the more fucked up lines Marya said to Koschie was along the lines of, “Lol. Look at you. Trapped in my basement… waiting for my attention while you abandon the war outside.” Like mega yikes my dude. I know Julie and I asked for a twisted female protagonist, but we asked for a relatable twisted female protagonist. Not… this. I guess Marya is strong? But… weird. Honestly… I lost any relatability with Marya the minute she started bouncing between Ivan and Koschie. And with how… sadistic she became towards the end, I don’t blame Koschie’s action. That’s a broken man with possible stockholm syndrome at this point.

Anyways… to summarize… I don’t know what I just read. Story is confusing. Characters are weird. I just have a bunch of puzzle pieces in my hand and a couple of yandere like lines. I suppose I can appreciate Koschie as an aesthetic. He says some pretty neat things, physically sounds sexy, and does some yandere like actions. So… I give him one yandere pity point for the attempt.... He might have shine better if the story was actually good.

Overall score: 1/10

[books-and-birds]

all the even #s

Hey, thanks Anon! I love talking about myself. This is gonna take a while...

2. A picture of me

I’m technology incompetent so ill try upload that after this

4. Last time I cried and why

Yikes! 2 weeks ago because I didn’t do so well on my math class this semester and I hate feeling like a failure 

6. Favorite band

Dawes. Theyre kind of folk kind of rock and its my main driving jam

10. Biggest turn ons:

fuck.. um... girls? Anything girls do? when a girl looks at me??? Good shit

12. Ideas of a perfect date

Picture this: Its raining outside. We’re both in pajamas. We make hot cups of tea and cuddle into bed under fluffy blankets and watch a movie together. Its supposed to rain all day, we have nowhere to go. We cuddle. You let me be the big spoon,

14. Piercings I want

I already have my nose and two on my ear, I don’t really want anything else. I went with my friend over winter break to get her nipples pierced and it looked really not comfy

16. Favorite Movie

Depends on the day. Life of Pi, RENT, Dead Poets Society, All the Star Wars except Phantom Menace, I just saw into the spider verse and that was pretty fucking rad.

18. Phobia

Dirty band-aids in swimming pools. NOPE.

20. Height

5′8′’. Small for my family of goddamn giants

22. Shoe size

Womans 8 1/2, mens 7

24. Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

Only socially

26. Whats one thing you regret?

Not being more aware of the impact of my words at a younger age. Not apologizing when I had the chance. Not trying harder to stay in touch.

28. Favorite ice cream

TUMBLR DON’T HATE ME BUT I DON’T LIKE ICE CREAM

30. What does your last text message say?

Its me threatening my friend that I get the naming rights if he accidentally gets this girl he’s seeing pregnant. And I have name ideas to get this kid bullied his whole life through.

32. Have you ever painted your room?

Pepto Bismol Pink. Middle school was a TIME

34. Have you ever slept naked?

In the summer? Almost nightly. This actually led to a super weird interaction with a surprise visitor to my room recently. Good story/

36. Have you ever had a crush?

Right now my dude

38. Have you ever stole money from a friend?

No

40. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Define fist fight. Maybe?

42. Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

Ouch, classic lesbian experience. That’s a yes.

44. Have you ever made out with a stranger?

Yep. At a music festival. It was a dude actually, I guess everybody goes through a straight phase in college, huh?

46. Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

What, like sneaking out? I never had to. MY parents were super relaxed about that sort of thing. They let me have my own life. I’m also a middle child in a huge family, they couldn’t keep an eye on all of us.

48. Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

My friends and I had like 25 senior skip days our senior year. One time I had skipped school but my little sister called me asking to drop off a math textbook so I walked into school in flip flops and board shorts and looked the secretary in the eye and told her I was dropping this off. She knew I went there. She said nothing.

50. Have you ever seen someone die?

yes

52. Have you ever kissed a pictue

Does it make it weirder if I say it was a picture of a horse?

54. Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?

I’m missing all my college friends right now. I feel like I can be a more open, authentic version of myself around them.

56. Have you ever made a snow angel?

My whole childhood. New York, baby!

58. Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

Have you ever been a child? Of course.

60. Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

Yes to both. But actually I work at a school so double yes to the first one.

62. Have you ever felt an earthquake?

No but thats like a weird childhood fear of mine. What do you even do in an earthquake? Are you really supposed to take cover under a desk or is that just a weird thing they teach in elementary school?

64. Have you ever ran a red light?

Multiple times. All accidental. I scream the whole time like a fucking pterodactyl

66. Ever had a detention?

Once. Totally deserved it.

68. Ever hated the way you looked?

Who doesn’t from time to time? Most of the time I’m pretty comfortable in my skin and it took me a long time to get this way.

70. Have you ever pole danced?

Took a trial class with some friends once. I sucked!

72. Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

Yup! Its wonderful, maybe i’ll even live out there some day. I know its not the opposite side of the country per say, but Arizona has a pretty special place in my heart.

74. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Nope. When I’m that sad i’m too much of an attention whore to go cry by myself.

76. Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? 

Who hasn’t? I’m not exactly the same person 16 year old me had hoped I would turn out to be, but I wouldn’t change a thing either. I love who I am now, mistakes and all.

78. Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

NO

79. Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Yup. Not romantic at all. Very wet. 0/10

82. Have you ever had a dream that you married someone?

Multiple times. If i crush on someone too hard I inevitable have this dream.

84. Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

It was a light pole

86. Have you ever been a cheerleader?

No, but once I got dressed up as our opposing teams mascot and had to sword fight our high school’s mascot and lose on purpose.

88. Have you ever brushed your teeth?

What would you do if I said no? How would you react to that, huh? Would you really want to know? What would you do with that information?? Think before you ask.

90. Have you ever played chicken?

On peoples backs, just straight up running at them, and on a horse! I won two out of three of these. I got a concussion from the other one. Guess which one.

92. Have you ever been told you're hot by a complete stranger?

Yes but it was a drunk girl so it was a genuine complement. Same girl later threw up on my front lawn, so you win some you lose some I guess.

94. Have you ever been easily amused?

Every damn day of my life. My friends describe me as pathologically optimistic. 

96. Have you ever mooned/flashed somone?

Lets just say I've been to New Orleans and I’ve earned my beads on Bourbon street.

98. Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

Have I ever remembered someones name? Who are you? Who am I?

100. Give us one thing about you that no one knows

I am the director of a Ballroom Dance team at my college but I don’t know how to do the International Tango. :{

[urfavmurtad]

What are some things about Judaism and Christianity that you learned that surprised you? What about polytheistic religions like native american animism, Buddhism, Shinto and Jainism? Zoroastrians? Baha’i? Yazidi?

Anon this is… such an in-depth question! Idek where to begin here. Of all those religions, I have learned the most about Judaism since I stopped being religious. What I knew about Judaism prior to maybe 5 years ago was mostly just what Islam says about Judaism. Meaning, you know, from Adam to Moses, then it skips ahead to David/Solomon/Saul, then there are some brief mentions of Jonah and Ezekiel and that’s really it.

So I didn’t know a lot, and I wasn’t very interested in what I did know tbh. The only reason why I started reading the Bible is bc I wanted to compare it to the Quranic versions of the stories and see how much Mohammed fucked them up. And that was fun but I didn’t bother to look much further into Judaism past that. The Books of Kings and Chronicles, for example, I took one look at them, decided they were boring, and didn’t read them until only a couple of years ago. That’s when I first got into the whole Biblical history thing. I tried reading a book about how the Bible was put together and realized I didn’t know enough about the Bible itself to even begin.

I forced myself to read those four books and then some of the prophet books (side note: all of the female prophets were left out of Islam, I didn’t even know they existed. Damn it Mohammed!!!). And I’m glad I did, because it changed my whole view of the Jewish Bible. It’s a history book!! Like… that’s literally what it’s supposed to be, a (legendary) history of Israel/Judah, and every bad thing that happens to them is ascribed to YHWH getting pissed off at them, but then like my friend and her trash boyfriend he always forgives them and takes them back even tho they just go on to disappoint him again. The Bible is the world’s oldest and greatest self-drag!!!

Once I actually knew the general chronology of the Biblical kings and shit I could actually make my way through this book without getting confused (mostly). Highly recommend this one for beginners btw, there is a PDF online and it’s not overly long.

And damn… I know there’s some debate about certain elements of it like the exact nature of the “documentary hypothesis” but even just focusing on the stuff that people agree upon, I didn’t know any of it before reading this, beyond there being no evidence for the Exodus/the huge kingdom of Solomon etc. I also knew that early Judaism was a system where multiple gods existed but YHWH was just their patron god, but I didn’t fully understand the process in how he got conflated with El and became the god.

More relevant to this topic, though, I didn’t understand the history behind the Bible itself. Deuteronomy being written separately/earlier than the rest and the Bible claiming that it was “found” in the Temple after like 900 years in Josiah’s time… like I had never even heard of Josiah prior to a few years ago and here I am realizing that this bitch perpetrated fraud that would make Linda Taylor proud. Tf. AND, the whole thing with Judah being way, way less developed than Israel, and Israel was actually a multi-ethnic and prosperous society, but then after the Assyrians handed Israel its ass the Judeans were suddenly the top bitch in school and wrote the whole Bible to make their former northern neighbors out to be assholes?? Wow Team Israel tbh.

Then when you get to the time of the Babylonian Exile tho you have to feel a bit bad for the people of Jerusalem, like the Babylonians were uncommonly dickish even for their time and the ppl of the city were clearly traumatized tbh… a lot of the stories in the Bible, especially those believed to have been added only after the exile, make a hell of a lot more sense when you realize the huge changes occurring in Jewish society at the time. The transition from “there are lots of gods but YHWH is our god” to “YHWH is the god” is completely understandable when you realize that people were searching for some explanation as to why they had all been uprooted and thrown out of their homes, and the obvious explanation is that, yet again, they had pissed YHWH the fuck off by worshiping other gods.

I feel like both Christianity and Islam (but especially Islam) try to separate many of Judaism’s better-known stories from the context of ancient Israel/Judah itself, presenting them as more universal stories that apply to everyone, but tbh the whole over-arching story doesn’t work unless you look at it as a history written by and for Jews who were rebuilding their religion and society in a volatile period. I’m reading this rn and it’s relevant to that topic.

It’s truly a damn shame that pretty much like 0% of Muslims have been exposed to any of this tbh? I feel like almost all scholars of Biblical history come from non-Muslim countries. I have more feelings on this subject but let me answer the rest of your question. First of all, Christianity. I read the New Testament in full a couple of years ago as well. It was obviously way easier to read because the Gospels are all different versions of the same story and the rest is just supplementary material, basically. I think the text itself is pleasant and Jesus was a chill dude. I like him. And the whole… sequence of events made much more sense after I’d read the Book of Isaiah and realized that the authors of the Gospels were viewing Jesus in light of those prophecies. Revelation is a fascinating shrooms trip. The Acts of the Apostles were fun to read, but all the letters were just like w/e. More historically interesting (if they’re real) than interesting in terms of content. Though I do think some of the content in them is very nice, idk if people know this but Muslims think Paul was responsible for perverting the (non-existent) “real” Gospel of Jesus and paint him very poorly. But I dunno, the letters seemed fine to me.

Tbh I was surprised to see how different Islam’s version of Christianity/Christian stories is compared to the “real thing”. I don’t even mean his disastrous misconceptions of Christian theology but just like… with the stories Mohammed pulled from the Jewish Bible (and the Talmud–which I also enjoyed flipping through btw, it’s like a bunch of old guys yelling at each other in written form), he gets details wrong but the overall stories are basically the same. But with the Christian stories, barely anything in the Quran is from the Bible. I think I’ve said this before but like 90% of the stuff pulled from Christianity in Islam is about baby Jesus, not adult Jesus, and even that stuff isn’t from the Bible. It’s understandable when you realize that he was listening to these stories, not reading them, and just picked the ones he liked best… which happened to be later texts. That brings me to a subject that is near and dear to my heart:

Apocryphal texts bih. I love this shit, with full sincerity and zero irony. The weirder it gets, the better. I started out just reading the ones that made it into the Quran, like the Life of Adam and Eve, the Infancy Gospels that I’ve mentioned before, and the Testament of Solomon. Then some Gnostic stuff, which I only read because it has the same substitute-crucifixion thing going on as Islam, but WHEW chile the DRUGS these ppl were on while writing this shit…! The Sethians and the Nag Hammadi library produced such treasures of crazy-ass literature. It makes me sad how so much of this stuff is just totally forgotten now that Christianity is mostly just Catholic/Protestant+Orthodox. There were so many sects and people had so many divergent ideas, some more drug-assisted than others probably!! And Middle Eastern Christianity was very diverse even in the 7th century. Some of the stories they produced had such rich lore. My fave right now is this Syriac collection:

I came across this one while looking for the origins of the al-Khidr story in the Quran. There were all sorts of opinions about who he was, bc Mohammed never really gave any details on his life, but Ibn Ishaq recorded an opinion that al-Khidr was the one who buried Adam and Allah granted him long life in return. So I looked for the source of that story and it was the story of Melchizedek in this book. Then I read the whole thing and man this would make for some weird psychedelic series or sth. It’s online, look it over and you’ll see how trippy it is.

Um… anon this is getting rly long tbh so let me sum up my knowledge of Shinto, Native American animism, and Jainism: not much!! Buddhism I have only an intro-level knowledge of, I know the basics but I don’t know more than that. The beliefs of Yazidis I don’t fully understand, but the little I know is pretty cool. From what I understand it’s a blend of pre-Islamic Kurdish religion + early Islamic influence + some other influences thrown in. It’s sad how they’re branded as devil-worshipers or w/e when the story of Melek Taus is actually really interesting and has a good moral and is way, way better than the story of Iblis. I also enjoy Yazidi architecture and that unique ribbed cone top of theirs. I hope they’re able to live on as a community after, uh, recent events.

I actually was taught about Bahai people growing up but I was told it was some heretical offshoot of Islam comparable to Ahmadiyya people. I didn’t realize it was considered its own religion until fairly recently tbh. I did read the Kitab al-Aqdas (which is blessedly short, this makes Bahai a great religion automatically!!) once. It’s definitely super inspired by the Quran in terms of style and to me clearly seems to be an attempt to make a Kinder And Also More Iranian Islam. I think it’s pretty neat. In fact I think a lot of attempts to magically make Islam “nicer” would just end up making it more like Bahai tbh. And it has a really fascinating history, with the Bab basically being a new John the Baptist and Bahaullah being the one he foretold. He even accidentally ended up in Israel lmao. I also really love Bahai architecture in terms of how diverse it is, with the only unifying feature being visual interest, and I would love to see the temple in India irl one day. India always has the best architecture anyway.

I saved Zoroastrians for last bc I have to be honest here. I tried to look into it, because it’s ancient and had an influence on Judaism etc and that makes it important. Fam I got about 3% of the way through the Avesta before giving up. I was still in the hymns part and just like… every other word was something I didn’t understand. I will go back and try again one day but for now the answer is “lol idk”.

ANYWAY… yeah… I’ve enjoyed reading about religion way more now that I’m not religious, both in terms of Islam and other religions, I can appreciate the process or w/e now that I’m not constantly trying to make it fit into Islam or panicking every time I spot something that makes me question my faith. I know a lot of atheists either fall away from religion altogether or just look at it like it’s something dumb, but even if it’s fake, that doesn’t make it worthless imo. The history itself is always worth studying.

[guyinlovewitheremika]

Dude serious question here : how are you still single ? Judging from your blog you seem so cute and friendly and an overrall fun person to be around. I for one would have loved to get to know you irl. But well keep up your amazing blog, I wish you the best in life

Aww anon that’s really sweet of you haha. Hope you have an amazing life too.

I used this opportunity for a little bit of self-analysis, which I’m keeping under-read since it’s not the main content of this blog. Quite frankly it failed and I don’t recommend reading.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I started writing with a huge plan, it didnt work out and now only half the thing is here, and by itself, it makes no bloody sense. I still wanna keep it here simply for myself, but anyone reading this rn will probs only get an incomplete and thusly inaccurate picture of what I’m trying to paint. 

Okay, so here’s the thing. I started writing this huge thing with a clearly mapped out thought process in mind, it had structure and whatnot. Unfortunately an event I even described in my analysis, a change of my mental state, prohibited me from finishing my writing---this is thus very incomplete, lacking many arguments and most importantly an actual conclusion. I doubt I’ll ever reconnect to this particular text anyway, but I still felt like sharing it as I considered it to be a very accurate depiction my head up until the point where I got lost. So even though it’s totally lackluster and incomplete, I’m still sharing it here because I feel like I owe it to myself. Anyway. After this follows the introduction I had originally written. Since I posted this for myself, the chance of me answering asks, replies or messages about this is very little, partially for reasons explained below. AnYwAY

Le forum ofdeath and sucks balls what the fuck

You'reprobably just a lovely anon who wanted to say something nice and cheer me up,and believe me, it's appreciated^^ This extended response shouldn't be takenpersonal by you in any way at all, I simply saw an opportunity for me to writethings down I've been meaning to write down for a long time. Thing is, there'sabout a 0% chance of me talking to over people what's really going on in myhead unless I'm prompted to do so--unless there're huge indicators of therebeing legitimate interest in my psyche, I aint talking, and even then, the chancesremain slim. Granted, your message wasn't really a direct inquiry or whateverbut I've had this shit in my system so long that it's more than sufficient forme to let lose. Warning: basically everything below (and even above) are mypersonal observations of myself, and most likely don't make a ton of sense foranyone who isn't, well, me. "Translating" all of this into anythingcomprehensible outside of my head is gonna be tricky enough, but I still feellike doing it. The purpose of this text is ultimately for self-analysis; uponwriting things down it can clarify or explain certain thoughts, and that'sreally waht I'm after. I don't want to shove my own analysis of my mentalsituation down my followers throats, I'm writing and posting this only for myselfto be affected by the process of doing so; thusly, once more, this will potentiallybarely make any sense for anyone, but it's not supposed to for anyone exceptme, so in essence, don't read too much into this post.

Long assintroduction

Damn

Anyway, let'sget started, and back to the original question, how are you still single.

BecauseBOI, there's a plethora of reasons, mostly tied to my relationship with myselfand my surroundings, and that's what I wanna talk about here.

First ofall, yeah. Guy does seem like a fun, sweet person to have around here, doesn'the? You're not the first person to tell me that, and I'm not saying that tofeed on my ego or whatever, but because this perception of Guy isn't unique. Iget nice and lovely anons, Barely and hate towards me as a person despite arather rapidly growing follower count, I've even made a ton of onlinefriendships over the span of months, and those folks generally don't seem tohate Guy either, for similar reasons. That's all good and fun, and ofc Iappreciate people who're sympathetic towards me, but that's because here ontumblr and over on discord, I'm Guy. The dude who absolutely loooves snk, whoknows a lot about the series, who tries to help people out and is pretty wankfree (that's an over-the-top, stereotyped description simply for the sake ofgetting the general point across).

The problemis that "Guy" is a periodic, temporary and very much incompleterepresentation of my identity. Now of course, the following dialogue can quicklyfall into the "edgy-teenager-YouKnowMyNameButNotMyStory" trope whichtypically disqualifies any rationality accompanied by the claims, but for thesake of argument, I'd like to give my analytical skills more credit than a 21stcentury stereotype. The basic point I'm trying to make here is this: the"real", "complete" version of myself has more to it thanjust the blogger you know as "Guy", and that's simply because myonline presence is very filtered. Whenever I'm posting on my blog or talking tomy friends on discord, I'm being Guy. My mental state, my thought process, andmy emotional balance is that of SnK loving Guy. The thing is, whenever there'sa change in my mental state, a variation, one that differs from who we know as"Guy", Guy shuts down, and so does my activity. I'm not blogging24/7, I'm not being constantly Guy. And I'm not chatting 24/7 either, myfriends may confirm this: I often stop talking in the middle of conversations,stop responding, reduce or cease my current activity all together. Occasionallythat's caused by irl disturbances, but for the most part, the issue lies in avariation within my mental state, one that disrupts my situation of being Guy,causing a discrepancy between my activity and my thought process concerning myactivity. In simpler (and seriously overblown) terms, I temporarily stop beingthe person I just was (this being Guy), and swap to a different mental state, onethat differs from being Guy.

This allprobably sounds ludicrous and absolutely over the top, and I apologize for that.It's not as if I have "multiple personalities" in my head, orschizophrenia, or whatever. These varying mental states I'm describing aren'ttotally different people, but...different facades of myself, if that makes anysense.  It probably doesn't, so let meprovide you with a possibly explanative analogy, to visualize everything. Letssay you're playing and RPG, and you have your core character. You level him up,gain experience, skills, and whatnot. That's default form of your character,lacking equipment and whatnot. However, in order to adapt to the constantlychanging environments and opponents you face, you need equipment, and the onlyoptions you have are various, predetermined armor and weapon sets. There's adifferent, unique type for every situation-one for each environment and eachenemy. The only problem is this: they come with a predetermined set of statsand skills. Parts of the sets cannot be exchanged with one another, and youcan't use multiple ones either. What's worse is that, despite the varyinglevels of skills you may have obtained on your core character, these arepartially or even entirely overwritten when donning one of the sets--you can'tverify or even use these stats and skills of your core character, as they'relocked away by whatever set you use. Only in down times, when in your hideout,all by yourself, can you take off the sets and access your stats andskills--only then does the experience you obtained when using the sets actuallyappear, only then can you observe your core character as a whole. That's moreor less what my head looks like, from my POV. Granted, this by no means is atotally accurate representation--it's flawed, it ignores certain other aspects,doesn't universally apply to me either, and ultimately, has no proof. However,I feel like this is the closest approximate description I can offer at themoment, and ultimately just am example to allow for some visualization--not auniversal truth or affirmation.

But let'stake a closer look at these equipment sets, or mental states, as I like to callthem. One of my favorite movies over the past years was the sci-fi flicArrival--Denis Villeneuve's thought provoking tale about extraterrestrialcreatures showing up on our planet and humanities attempt to interact with them.One of it's major elements was the use of language, and one theme in particularfascinated me: the theory that speaking in another language can potentiallymodify, or even rewire your brain and thought process. It's something Icouldn't agree more with. I fluently speak three languages, and, given myliving and educational situation, typically switch between all three of themmultiple times a day. I don't want to assume anyone's thoughts or feelings, butI'm certain I'm not the only one who has different relationships with thelanguages they speak, and who feel different depending on the used language.It's a pretty natural thing. Another thing we can probably all agree on is that,depending with whom we're interacting, or under which exterior circumstances(such as location), our precise way to express ourselves may sometimes vary--youmay act in a certain way with one person in a certain place, and act verydifferently with another person in a different place. Well, of course I can'tclaim that to be a universal truth for every person on the planet, but I'vecertainly heard other people describe it before, and I've felt it from otherstoo. It's there, sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe it's totally natural, aneveryday feeling for everyone involved, and maybe I'm just too weak to be ableto counteract the consequences, but who knows. My primary issue stems from the fact that, I'm taking this varyingcircumstances and their consequences to a ridiculous level. Depending on mylanguage, my location, the time of day and the people I'm with, my expressionof myself, my (from an exterior POV observable) personality, if you want to, isborderline subject to change. "Guy" in many ways I can't mentallygrasp at the moment is fundamentally different from the person you mayencounter under specific, different circumstances.

Now ofcourse, this probably is something felt by other people alone, I'm not somehowspecial by feeling that way, probably just too weak to deal with it. But onething I can say with absolute certainty is that the consequences of thevariations has an effect on my surrounding. An example in my family: due to hisjob, my father is rarely at home, and I'm typically left with my mother, withwhom I have a rather close and positive relationship with. On the days myfather is there however, our relationship changes, my general mood is affected,and my expression of myself heavily changes. Once again, I'm sure I'm notunique in that way, I'm sure it's a normal, human concept, it just seems toaffect me really much. This isn't just limited to important, deep relationshipslike me and my parents, but its present in really every situation. Example, Imay desire to spend time with my friends at school when there, but back home,in a different mental state, that desire disappears entirely. I often don'treply to messages for weeks, and rarely ever initiate communication by myself,which can be totally different in another mental state. See, and that's one ofthe primary issues. My relationships with pretty much everyone are heavilymodified and affected by the changes in my mental state based on circumstancesand whatnot. If we follow that logic, any intimate or romantic relationshipwould be affected too. And that's one of the cruxes here: I couldn't possiblyentertain one particular mental state throughout the entirety of anoverarching, important relationship with someone. There would be instances inwhich my mental state would vary, and I would in turn be severely affected thischange, but this non-given, non-evident relationship with a significant otherwouldn't just...stop existing, wouldn't temporarily be on hold until I've returnedto a mental state appropriate of said relationship. You can't put it on hold,you can't neglect all of that while waiting for your brain to return to anadequate state. There's continuity and effort and ultimately something enduringwithin a relationship, but that's incredibly hard to entertain if the facade ofoneself is subject to constant modification. Though that in itself is somethingI would already consider rather problematic, it's far from the end. Rememberwhen I described the situation in my head? The idea of a certain core character,unaffected by the armor sets? Let's take a closer look at that.  

All thesevarious mental states, these predetermined armor sets, caused by the varyingcircumstances I find myself in throughout life, have one thing in common: blockingout the "core character", the one that acquires the skills andexperience obtained through the life in armor, the one that has a sort ofoverseeing access to all of these obtained life experiences. That is what Iconsider to be the "purest" version of myself. The one thingunaffected by circumstances, the one at the center off all these various mentalstates. I can only be in this unaffected state when not in relation to anythingin my exterior: not being constrained to convey thoughts verbally through theuse of a certain language, not being actively in relation to another person,and being in a neutral place, unaffected by anything, such as my room.Basically, if I'm in an entirely neutral situation, not affected by anythingexterior whatsoever, my mind goes into a neutral state too. This neutral stateallows me one particular thing: introspection. Self-analysis, if you want to.Only in the neutral state can I fully reflect on my experiences and my life asa whole, only then can I attempt to understand my progression in life, myemotions, my mental situation. In fact, at this very moment, I find myself inthis neutral state--only now am I actually able to reflect on what's going onin my head, and the fact that I'm able to write it down cohesively is an enormousfeat in itself. However, this distinction between my neutral state, the"core character", and the various mental states, the "armorsets", comes with a plethora of issues, the first one being this verydiscrepancy. As explained earlier, the "sets" override the"core", and I mean that in a literal way. All my reflections, all mythoughts and questions, all my arguments, failures and progressions, areblocked out when I'm in one of these sets. For example, if I'm talking to mytherapist, it's downright impossible for me to communicate all these thoughtsobtained through introspection, simply because they're blocked out, they're notavailable anymore. They slip out from memory, I can barely grasp them at all,it feels like walking through horribly thicc mist; and even in the event that Istill can formulate some of my thoughts, I can't properly convey them. In fact,even if I write them down and try to read them out, it feels more like readingsomeone else's thesis: my brain doesn't connect to the material at all, itdoesn't understand, it can't back it up: in that situation, they're not my ownthoughts at all, but someone else's, and no matter how much I search my mindfor answers of clues, the only thing I can find is a bleak, empty void, leavingme feeling dumbfounded, with an empty head. Literally. When I later return tomy neutral state, everything returns to me, but quite frankly, that's notuseful, since I still lack the means to communicate it in a manner thatconvinces both me and party B.

Unfortunatelythe issues don't stop there. If we go by the assumption that this neutral, coreversion of myself is what you may call "the real me", I would kind ofbe in a pretty shit situation, because, quite frankly, being this neutralversion of myself is not fun at all. Maybe its related to ingrained pessimism,but all introspection, all reflection and thoughts, always go in a prettynegative way. Never once have I thought about myself in depth and arrived at anactual positive outcome: every answer is negative and spells out inevitabledoom one way or another. There's always a depressing note to everything, infact, there is a seriously ingrained tendency leading towards what may be aform of depression in all my thoughts, but I'll get into that later. The bigbad issue is that ultimately, this neutral state of mine, as well as everypossible variable mental state, lacks one primordial thing necessary to thehuman existence: life. I'm descending towards a melodramatic presentation oncemore, forgive me. It's a hunch towards excess. But here's the thing. Theneutral state is exclusively based around introspection, it can't do anythingbut reflect, and reflect in a pretty negative manner if I might add. There'snothing else to it. The "sets" are technically set in what we wouldcall life, they're all in relation with something, but inherently lack thecommon thing that is myself; they're mere facades, they're fakes, they'reincomplete, they're not ME.  Here's thething. Perhaps it was a result of all the issues mentioned above, or perhaps itcaused the issues above and originate from a certain event in my pastirrelevant for now, but one thing is certain: I'm heavily emotionally distancedfrom my own life. I barely ever feel any real, active emotions out of anythingin life, everything is distanced, bleak, unilateral. Any real, strong emotion,be it joy, hatred, sadness or whatever else you may think of, is something Ibarely ever feel these days. Even events that have an incredibly strong effecton my life struggle to bring forth an emotional reaction. Everythingstays...bleak. Unaffected. There's often a sort of distant negativity, abackground feeling of sorts, and there are occasions of limited joy or whatnotthat last a few moments, but it takes absolutely nothing whatsoever to returnto an empty or even highkey depressed state--ultimately, the sensation of"being alive" has become incredibly elusive to me over the last 8years, now nothing more than a mere distant memory. That's just how things are,and I can't deal with it.

Granted, Imay possibly be overdoing it rn. Been writing for a long time, need to makesure I don't start getting affected just yet. Ultimately, all these thingsheavily block the way for a meaningful relationship with another person. Notonly would they have to deal with the fact that the person they know seems toundergo mental changes on a continuous basis which can't be any good, their s.o.would go through constant mood changes, would often be emotionally distant fromthem for seemingly no reason whatsoever, wouldn't be able to even entertain a relationshipon a deeper level. Whatever it would be, it couldn't even be called a proper relationshipfrom my point of view. I wouldn't be able to be myself, and that's pretty mucha death sentence for anything meaningful that's supposed to last for a bit,right?

(sidenote:I feel as if I may have just exited the neutral state and am no longer able toentertain my introspection. My thoughts are literally disappearing from my mindand my memory of everything I've said so far and what I meant to say afterwardsis getting foggier by the minute. It's absolutely ridiculous and horriblyannoying, but at the very least it proves my points to myself, that's worthsomething).

After this point, I continued writing, but quickly realized I lost all connection, I had indeed gone through a change in mental state, leaving behind my introspection. Thus, this is largely incomplete, with many threads not tied together, and many arguments lacking entirely. My analysis went much deeper than what we see here, but unfortunately I don’t seem to be able to pick it up for now. What a shame. I had thought I had finally figured out some serious progress. But in a way, it’s also fitting. This major failure is evidence that the points made are very real and not my imagination. Too bad it prevented me from going further, but that’s all I can do for now. 

This is more or less the conclusion I meant to reach, but since half the arguments and reasoning are missing, it doesn’t make sense and feels like an asspull for the sake of attentionwhoring. It’s not, and I can assure you there is legitimate reasoning behind this, I just can’t access it rn:  To add more finality to the actual question that I tried to properly explain here but clearly turned out incapable of doing so, I have rather convoluted but justified mental and psychological issues for being single. These aren’t by choice, these aren’t because I enjoy being lonely, in fact I’ve desired the opposite since I was a child, but for various reasons I cannot fully explain yet, it wouldn’t be good at all for neither me nor my partner, not with the way I am right now (and this current failure is proof of that). Instead, I’ll keep sitting on my ass, waiting for a miracle that will never happen, with mental and and physical issues getting worse and worse as a consequence. But in its own way, that’s desirable for me; which is based on another issue, rooted even deeper in my psychology, one that is probably the source of all my issues. But I can’t talk about that yet.  

Other than that, there’s practical issues too. I’ll be leaving the continent this summer. I have very little positive memories about the last 8 years, the 2nd chapter of my life, but I don’t want to start getting attached to this life just as it is about to end. That would be the worst possible way to leave, and I need a clean cut at all costs. So yeah, no SO for me.