#if he had anything planned i can tell you rn he cleared that sh*t out ok forget that. i don't think there's ever been a time she's rung him

[theinfinitedivides]

Eui Jeong to Ki Cheol: do you have anything planned for tomorrow?

Ki Cheol: tomorrow? why

Eui Jeong: i'm off tomorrow

Ki Cheol:

[grandmasterofwangxiancultivation]

SV ch.55

Okay I’m nervous. 

Looking at the style of murals to the sides of the corridor, there was a strong yin ambiance, and it was clear to see this was Luo Binghe’s headquarters in the Demon Realm.

But I am totally not panicking.

EDIT:

The two both had nothing to say, not giving each other a sideways glance. One in front and one behind, their footsteps made no breath of sound. The atmosphere was stiff and cold.

This is the definition of PAIN. I need some bingqiu communication right now

EDIT 2:

Pushing open the door and entering, the furnishings and arrangement of the room were quite familiar-looking. In fact, it was quite similar to the bamboo house on Qing Jing Peak.

Omg. OMG. So let me get this straight. Lbh spent years mourning his Shizun, keeping the wounds he had left him, keeping sqq's broken sword, keeping his freaking corpse and (now we find out) making a room similar to the one in the bamboo house-

This is borderline obsession and yet my heart aches for lbh so much i just... PLS Shizun. PLS.

EDIT 3:

Now acting like a miserable child and throwing tantrums, making his heart overflow with sympathy. Now again hitting his face and telling him it was all an act. Real or fake, his eyes weren’t sharp enough to clearly see autumn feathers and see through Luo Binghe’s heart to understand what he was really thinking, some parts truth and some parts hypocrisy.

(Guys, sqq is angry because lbh put on a facade in the dreamscape. He is angry and disappointed and wary of lbh possibly using the same "trick" on him again and again just to move sqq's heart. I honestly thought Shizun had understood by now.

Like, okay, lbh tricked him the second time to see if that was really Shizun or just a figment of his imagination, but can you blame him?? You have been dead for years, sqq!! He probably went insane with pain, has always been in love with you when in his eyes you betrayed him by pushing him into the abyss, come on! If you two would just fucking talk-)

While he was still brooding over these thoughts, Luo Binghe walked a step closer to him.

(A n X i E t Y)

EDIT 4: here is an exemplar of Shizun using a series of excuses to keep himself rooted in place and not back down in front of an advancing lbh. Still, he is a mess inside.

BRAVE SHIZUN.

But he was still inevitably tense, his heart stretched taut as a bowstring, his eyelids jumping and fingertips curled.

How was Luo Binghe so perceptive? He advanced another step.

“Shizun, what do you think I’m going to do to you?”

(o m g. Omg o can't feel my legs-) 　

Shen Qingqiu said sincerely, “I cannot guess.”

EDIT 5:

Luo Binghe reached out his right hand. Shen Qingqiu didn’t make a sound or movement, but his gaze couldn’t help but stick to his fingertips, following them as they reached out.

(I AM TOTALLY HYPERVENTILATING RN)

That hand was neat and slender. It didn’t look like the hand of a Demon Race young master who had already taken countless lives, but rather one which was born to pluck strings, a hand to burn incense and bathe in snow. It slid shyly over his cheek, faintly brushing his skin.

(OKAY SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL AN AMBULANCE R I G H T T H E F U CK N O W 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK MY HEART BEATING OUT OF MY CHEST AND MY LUNGS CONSTRICTING LIKE THIS IS NORMAL?

LBH IS ToUcHiNg Shizun's cheek-)

And then it landed on his throat.

*chokes*

Lbh no- *whispers*

EDIT 6: I died, like, for 5 minutes before gathering the courage to go on. And BLESS GOD I DID BECAUSE

Luo Binghe retracted his hand. The next time he opened his mouth, it was impossible to tell if he was happy, angry, sorrowful, or joyful. “My blood, it’s not responding to my beckoning.”

AAAAHAHSNJXUDKEHXKE DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY, BINGHE? YOU SEE, IT'S A FUNNY STORY. IT INVOLVES A SNAKE-MAN, MAIDEN SHIZUN AND MANY WOMEN-

EDIT 7:

Luo Binghe said, “It looks like in these short few days, Shizun has had another fortuitous meeting.”　

Shen Qingqiu said, “Well, what can you do about it? Make me drink it again?”　

Luo Binghe said, “You’ll run if you drink it, you’ll run if you don’t, both options are the same. I had better not make Shizun add another layer of loathing for me in his heart.”

(OKAY NO. N O. I'm not good with tension. I can't bear it. So pls stop and no one will get hurt, okay?)

Luo Binghe fixed his gaze on him for a time, then said, “Is there anything you desire?”

Shen Qingqiu said, “Anything is acceptable?”

Luo Binghe nodded. A sudden malicious sentiment arising from his gut, Shen Qingqiu bluntly said, “I want to see you as little as possible. Best if I never see you at all.”

(WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

NO

THIS IS WRONG, WHAT NOVEL IS THIS, WHAT THE FUCK FUCKITY FUCK

NO

okay it's a joke, right? Ah ah ah ah funny, now stop this. When I said I desperately wanted these two to meet, i meant to pray for FLUFF. NOT THIS. THIS. WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS.

MY HEART IS BREAKING? DO I DESERVE IT, AFTER PATIENTLY WAITING FOR THEM TO MEET? I dOn'T fUcKiNg ThInK sO, so freaking solve this-)

Luo Binghe looked like he never expected Shen Qingqiu to make this sort of request, his face paling.

(SHIZUN YOU WERE MORE CLUER THEN A FREAKING DEMONIC LORD. HUG HIM. HuG hIm Or I sWeAr-)

If you are hearing something, IT'S ME SCREAMING LIKE A MADWOMAN. THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

EDIT 8: thank you, system, your presence always makes my anger cool off. I love reading Shizun talk to it, it reminds me this novel is too good to be true, an yet it exists. Bless.

With a ringing notification sound, the System quietly began to download the upgrade package. Shen Qingqiu had a sudden thought and asked, “Right, what is the name of this feature upgrade?”

The System: 【Small Scenario Pusher Luxury Edition.】

SEE SEE I LOVE THE SYSTEM, IT ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT TO DO. NOT ONLY THE SMALL SCENARIO PUSHER IS BACK, IT CAME IN A L U X U R Y EDITION.

Let's go bring down those heartbreak points now

EDIT 9:

With many official duties to attend to, perhaps unable to extricate himself, all along he had not shown his face.

…or maybe that day, his glass heart had been shattered by Shen Qingqiu’s harsh words, and he didn’t dare to appear.　

Shen Qingqiu tore his thoughts away from that latter path with great difficulty.

IS THAT REGRET, SHIZUN? IS IT? I S I T? System, pls summon me and let me go hug lbh or else I'll cry

EDIT 10:

Furthermore, Luo Binghe didn’t act like the characters in the books his younger sister liked to read in his previous life and shackle him with chains, blindfolded and gagged, stripped and beaten. He might as well be content with whatever he has and make himself at home wherever he is.

(SY HAD A YOUNGER SISTER? DO YOU THINK SHE READ HARDCORE BL?)

Bull***t!　

For Shen Qingqiu to attempt to comfort himself with these words, there must be sh*t in his brains! He wasn’t some sort of Stockholm syndrome patient, feeling deep gratitude for being fattened in captivity. Don’t you understand, you need to bring about a fortunate lifestyle yourself, not by relying on others’ charity?!

(You're right, Shizun, of course. That's why there is a pretty simple solution- TALK TO LBH WITHOUT ACCUSING HIM, TRY TO UNDERSTAND. WOULD YOU?)

EDIT 11: this chapter is playing with my patience. Bamboo does not grow in the Demon Realm, but lbh ordered for ppl to find a way. Shizun FLIRTED WITH A MAID ASKING FOR SOMETHING TO EAT BUT THAT BOWL WAS PREPARED BY LBH, BECAUSE IT HAS THE SAME TASTE AND NO ONE EATS HUMAN FOOD THERE AND IT BREAKS MY HEART AND I JUST CAN'T OKAY I AM CRYING STOP THIS SHIT

EDIT 12: sqh is here!

OH. SO HE SOLD SHIZUN OUT. OH, okay. I don't know if I should hate him or congratulate him, I never know if I should consider the events from the point of view of a reader or a writer, me being both (I mean, like, I occasionally write, so I know sometimes one makes characters do strange, despicable things, not like I am a super pro write didn't want to sound pretentious, eh eh), so I'm like "what the fucking hell sqh, what about friendship?" and "omg good job mxtx, this character is so interesting, what even is moral ptf!"

And now

Lbh

Gave Xiu Ya sword back to Shizun. Let's add this to the increasingly long list of "things that show how much lbh cares for Shizun and make my heart crack"

EDIT 13:

On the other side, Shang Qinghua laughed nervously and rubbed his hands, clicking his tongue and saying, “Aiyah, I really, really never thought… the storyline would bend so far out of shape. Remarkable, really remarkable.”

Shen Qingqiu: “The stallion novel protagonist you wrote turned into a cut-sleeve, shouldn’t you be angry?”

Shang Qinghua said sincerely, “It doesn’t matter. Either way, the one he fell for wasn’t me.”

(there, see? I love him.)

Shen Qingqiu gave him a cordial middle finger, lowering his head to polish his sword. Shang Qinghua gave him a thumbs-up. “Really, you don’t need to be so pessimistic. You have good prospects for the future, quite good prospects. These golden thighs, they’re strong, reliable!”

Shen Qingqiu said, “Take your ****ing golden thighs. If I have to hug those thighs, where do you think they’ll take me? Between the legs!”

Shang Qinghua: “Between the legs is even better, ah. Between the legs is a man’s most important place.”

(OMG OMG THIS turning out too good I'm having too much fun!!

Sqh surely is a man of wisdom. BLESS HIM.)

EDIT 14: okay plot, PLOT.

“…” At long last Shen Qingqiu knew the true origin of all those plot holes. “So you just went to write the harem plotline, and might as well leave the more serious Bing-ge’s dad plotline full of holes?”

(So the big final boss should have been lbh's dad? FATHER-IN-LAW IS REALLY GONNA SHOW UP IF SHIZUN FILLS THE HOLES? I AM SO SO S O O O O FREAKING EXCITED.

But I am honestly scared, 'cause this means whatever sqh's previous plan for the novel were, they may still happen. That means everyone is potentially in danger, if the danger is not lbh.)

EDIT 15: SQH WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING USEFUL ABOUT HOW HE WANTED TO BUILD SQQ'S CHARACTER AND THEN WHAT?

Lbh comes.

Like, I love you baby, but-

Luo Binghe’s eyelashes drooped. After standing for a bit, it seemed he had come to a major decision. He said stiffly, “Even though those earlier events happened in a dream realm, I took advantage of Shizun. But the feelings I revealed to you then, those were not false.”

(GOOD BABY. G O O D. Let it sink, let Shizun understand how much you care.l

EDIT 16: lbh is trying to finally, finally let Shizun understand how he felt and why he did what he did and I'm so glad he is trying. I get why these two would need to learn how to trust one another all over again, that is totally okay, it's fine if they need to guard their feelings for a while before settling this problem, so reading about them talking, about lbh trying to reach Shizun fills me with hope.

His face gradually settled into a gloomy expression from his sneer. Drawing closer the distance between the two, he said, “But what if I said, that towards Shizun, I only remember, not hate, most likely I wouldn’t be believed.”

SEE. SEE.

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap Youll Ever Read: Week 3, Night 1 Betches

Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise! The show that keeps on giving leaves us shackled to our couches for 4-6 hours a week. When last we left off, Chris was interrupted in the middle of comparing living, breathing women to courses in a meal by Tia who, hopefully, came armed to this conversation with a shoe so she can beat him to death with it. I’m rooting for you, Tia!

TIA: You told me that I deserve the best. CHRIS: You do. TIA: But you made out with Krystal. CHRIS: I did. But I’ll fight for you. TIA: 

Okay, see this is what’s wrong with modern dating right here. They keep talking in circles around each other and Chris might as well be speaking in Pig Latin for all the sense he’s making rn. Tia is pissed because Chris told her he would commit to her, meanwhile Chris is saying that he did mention commitment to her but will actually do the opposite. But, hey, at least he said the word commitment! That’s got to count for something, Tia!

Jesus. This talk is making me want to call my internet company and abandon the sh*tty internet plan that makes it possible for me stream this abomination on clear, cloudless days only. Tia keeps saying Chris’s argument doesn’t make sense—and it doesn’t—but what really doesn’t make sense is how either of these women can fight over him while he’s wearing that fugly bandanna.

HOW.

Moving on. Oh, that poor parrot needs to stay far away from Kendall. Next time we see it it will be on her wall.

Tia thinks that because Colton warned her about Chris, Colton is in love with her. It’s flimsy evidence at best, but her crazy ass will take anything she can get.

HAHA. Tia yelping “help�� after realizing she’s insane is me in the mirror every morning.

Jacqueline and her monotone voice emerge from behind a palm tree. Idk why, but there’s something v unnerving about Jacqueline to me. I think it has something to do with the full set of baby teeth hiding in that tiny mouth of hers.

Bibi’s like “she doesn’t smell like Paradise yet. I’m screwed.” Bibi, this girl has the personality of a mechanical pencil. I think you’ll be fine, girl.

Jacqueline pulls Colton aside as Tia is literally in the middle of professing her love to him again. Lol this should be good.

JACQUELINE: Can I steal you for a second, Colton? TIA:

WHAT. Colton turns Jackie down?? First of all, you can do that? Second of all, he can’t say no to a date! What does he think he’s here for?  To sip on his Mike’s Hard and work on his tan? Absolutely not. You’re never going to lose your virginity with an attitude like that, Colton!

Colton tells Tia that he’s still into her but he doesn’t want to, like, do anything about it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to stick my head in an oven. Are you effing kidding me with this, ABC? Honestly, this Colton/Tia thing has gone on far too long. I’ve had enough. Someone murder them both already. For f*ck’s sake.

Jackie picks Kenny for the date because one of the producers lost a bet and had to make this happen. That’s the only way these two on a date makes sense. I’ll be shocked if they find anything to talk about. Fingers crossed the producers don’t have to resort to poking them with sticks to generate any sort of human emotion!

KENNY: You’re pretentious, aren’t you? JACKIE: 

Clearly this love story was written in the stars. Good luck, kids!

Back at the beach, Annaliese is patiently waiting for Kenny to get back from his date. She’s like “I have to find love get a rose tonight. I. have. to.” Damn, this girl did not come to play. She immediately pulls Kenny aside to show him the pink goo she picked out for dessert.

OH MY GOD DID ANNALIESE JUST SAY SHE WANTS TO OPEN HER SEXUAL DOOR TO HIM? Does she mean, like, her back door? Is that what she’s trying to say? I’m confused.

Okay, Venmo John is killing it this season. Who would have thought a man with a decent job and a 401K would be more of a hot commodity than a former pro athlete? No, seriously. Who.

Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal are heating up. It’s disgusting. He’s like “I really appreciated you having my back when I was trying to dump my side chick. That was hot.” Krystal, is this what you’ve been dreaming about your whole life? Because if so, then I’m so glad you found your knight in shining armor!

Okay, Bibiana is a goddamn therapist at this point. She should honestly be charging by the hour for the amount of time and effort she’s putting into getting these losers to express basic human emotion.

COLTON: So my only choices are to date Tia or go home? Guess I’m going hom— BIBIANA: B*tch, what did we just talk about?

Damn. Tia really wore Colton down. Colton decides he wants to give their relationship a chance and Tia actually screams in ecstasy. It’s v disturbing.

Also, Tia all you ever wanted was for him to “give it an honest chance.” No, that’s not true. You wanted to bully him into dating you. And it worked. Congratulations, you sociopath. (And can I DM you for tips?)

Moving on to the rose ceremony. I never thought we’d get here. I’m genuinely worried Bibi is going home, though. And what will her patients cast mates do without her saving their boyfriends in rose ceremonies when they’re mad at them? Hmm?

MY GOD. What is Jordan wearing on his body rn? It’s like a vest/pant combo made out of the vacation section at a Goodwill.

So. Much. Fashion. 🌹🌹🌹 cocktail party paradise edition #bachelorinsider #bts #bachelorinparadise 🌊🌴🦀🥂

A post shared by Bachelor Insider (@bachelorinsider) on Aug 20, 2018 at 9:18pm PDT

Elsewhere, Caroline has Venmo John cornered on a couch listing off her demands for the rose ceremony. 

CAROLINE: I just hate this campaigning for roses. I’m not that kind of girl. NARRATOR: She absolutely was that kind of girl.

Then there’s Jubilee, A WAR VETERAN, who’s reduced herself to handing out back rubs for a rose. Is this really a back rub or  is she actually using a tactic they teach in the army to get the enemy to submit? She could have some real tricks hidden under that crop top.

Lol David is over here trying to give Bibi a pep talk. He’s like “Kenny said he’s into you. He said you have a good booty.” What a strong foundation to build a relationship on! It’s worked out so well for the Kardashians.

WHAT. Kenny and Bibi start making out and I AM HERE FOR IT. Never mind that Kenny all of the sudden has half of Paradise vying for his attention. SAVE OUR GIRL, KENNY. I beg of you.

Jackie grabs Kenny next and is like “I hope you’ll still give me a chance now that I just turned 27. I read an article in the New York Times that says I’m past my prime now.”

ME:

Um, this man is the father of a 12-year-old college graduate, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t give a sh*t if you’re old enough to pay for your own health insurance now.

Meanwhile, David pulls Jenna aside and gives her a giant-ass stuffed animal for her birthday. Omg. It’s literally a washed-up street dog. What was that, like, the only available thing in the prop room?

Jordan is piiissseddd. He starts dragging the dog down the beach AND THROWS IT INTO THE OCEAN. That is actually so f*cked up. I mean have I done the same thing to my ex-boyfriend’s beloved Kurt Cobain T-shirt after he dumped me in the middle of a beer pong game freshman year? Yes. That’s neither here nor there.

Jordan is losing it and starts going OFF on Chelsea and Jubilee. And it’s, like, Jordan, you can’t start yelling insults at women to their faces. This isn’t MTV.

ANNALIESE: I would not be with a man who speaks to me that way. Nope. JORDAN: Will you accept this rose? ANNALIESE: Omg I would be honored. JORDAN: Sike!

Eric confronts Jordan and tells him he needs to apologize to all the ladies or else. Damn. I forgot how attractive Eric is. There’s just something about a man treating women like actual human beings instead of just props for their next Instagram post that’s so… sexy. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that!

@ericbigger, better, badder! 📸:@ericbigger

A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on Aug 20, 2018 at 5:49pm PDT

Eric is the perfect man. I rest my case.

Chris Harrison hauls ass and shows up at the rose ceremony before any other drunken fights can break out. F*cking finally, Chris! The rose ceremony goes as such:

Jordan picks Jenna, who can barely open her eyes with all of that glue holding her eyelashes on. It’s possible she doesn’t even know Jordan is the one who picked her. Who can say.

David picks Chelsea.

Kevin picks Astrid.

Chris picks Krystal. God help her.

John picks Jubilee.

Joe picks Kendall.

Colton picks Tia. Vomit.

Eric picks Angela.

Kenny picks Annaliese. WAIT WHAT. HOW. OVER BIBIANA. How f*cking dare you.

And on that note, I’m out y’all. I have to go try and not have nightmares about Jordan chasing people in the rain. BYE.

Images: Giphy (5) @bachelorinsider /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=34514

[1jamessantacruz1-blog]

growing pains.

this is different for me bc ever since i joined i had never expressed my feelings like before. i had kept everything bottled up and never took anything serious. i didn’t do it on purpose tbh i didn’t even realize i was holding everything in. looking at what i’m surrounded by knowing that if i ever acted how i used to they would either roast me or just say “suck that sh*t up quit being a little punk b*tch.” now it’s just spewing out. i’m not looking for attention. i’m just looking for another way to vent. also i feel if i ever catch myself falling back again i can reread my journal entries to remember the pain and never let myself get that deep again.

-day 1 (dec 18, 2017) since everything had went down

i could barely eat. i stayed up the whole night last night. i was drained the whole day and i get back to my room where i’m alone and left w/ my thoughts and now i can’t help but stay up (currently 11:12pm). i can’t sleep, breathe, etc etc. this is the most cliche heartbreak hahahah. *dying laugh turns into slow cry* i’ve stayed up for the past 2 or 3 nights just thinking about each and every chance i had w/ her. each and every argument we’ve had. each time i had just straight disrespected her in the way i had treated her anything less of great. realizing that she was so pure and every “flaw” she felt she had i always highlighted more bc the way i viewed her she was unmatched and anyone else there was no competition for me. knowing deep down that no matter who i talk to, she was the one that knew me the most. she was the one that cared the most. she was the first one to ever show me real love on a consistent basis and she showed me the definition of sacrifice countless times again and again and i break down strictly bc i was not able to do the same for her. as time went on and my head got bigger i was never able to give her something real and genuine. something that was classified as real love and making her feel cared for. i am not depressed. i am able to carry out the plan of the day and still do my job. it is only when i get left alone w/ myself. i am not mad at her. i am mad at all the wrong doings i have committed and how i really had brought this on myself bad this time. sorry does not express how i feel towards her. all the mental abuse i had brought unto her i am only feeling the beginning stages of them. i wish she let me devote myself to her. i wish she let me be the one she comes to for everything. i wish she was in my arms and not anyone else’s. i want to say i will get past this but the severity of this life lesson and watching something that was once you’re “everything” slip right through your fingertips and you can’t do anything about it is tough on anyone regardless how mentally strong they proclaim themselves to be. i once loved and cared for her. i still love and care for her. i will always love and care for her.

lesson learned of the day: realize the efforts (big or small) that anyone may give to you and be appreciative of them.

this one was rough and my mind is going everywhere rn so i left things out.

-day 2 (dec 19, 2019) since everything went down

i have already maxed out the tears that come from my eyes and it’s only been a couple of days. today i was occupied but at the same time i tried my hardest to still keep in contact w/ her. i would rather talk to her in some sort of way than to lose all sort of communication w/ her. my days seems fine and i am somewhat busy but i get back to my room and my thought just yell!! i can’t sleep if i wanted to. i wish you knew how much i am sorry. i wish you knew that i really am aware of what i put you through. i wish you knew how much i care. i wish i had you in my arms just one more time. i wish you knew the pain i’m going through now. then i remember that you do. i know you know the pain bc i was the one who put you through it first. my mom told me that after we broke up you visited them and my dad sat you down and asked “did james ever hurt you?” and you just looked away and smiled and looked back at him and said “i’ll be fine tito.” she told me she could see all the pain and hardship in your face. i am filled w/ so much rage towards myself. talking to people today and them telling me that i am just getting unbrainwashed from bootcamp and coming back to my old self and that it just takes some time. what we had was real and genuine when i didn’t lose sight. i see the difference in how i acted. i just know it was genuine. it was real it was real it was real ines please believe me!! please please i need you to know. my thoughts and feelings are jumbled all over the place but what is clear is that it’s you. it’s always been you. the reason i say i just need one more time to have you in my arms is bc this time i’m not letting go.

lesson learned: never let go

-day 3 (dec 20, 2017)

i am slowly grasping these life lessons day by day. slowly accepting what i have to do to move on from this. i just need to fallback and let you run your own life. i can’t think that i can act a certain way and get you back. i need to let you come back to me on your own. i realize that i have to fall back in order to take several leaps forward. problem is this fallback feels never ending. even worst is the big chance that you won’t come back. how many more nights am i gonna spend staying up over you? how many nights am i gonna stay up begging you not to take your love away from me w/o you even knowing?the 3 types of people you meet in life are the one you’re not supposed to be with, the one you lose, and the one you’re destined for. staying up wondering which one you are. i am so empty maxine. i miss the fights. i miss the arguments. i want you to yell at me. scream at me. fight with me. anything to have your attention one last time. bc if i ever get that i will make sure of it that i never lose it again. i think i really will be strict on myself and back off like i said. i need to give you your space but it’s not easy. i just want you to see this james. the james you fell in love with. the james who actually lives everyday w/ a meaning. w/ a purpose. the purpose to progress and be a man for myself and for you. for us. the james that has that mentality from on top of everything he has accomplished and learned now. what do i want? i want to be the one who cares for you like you had cared for me even when i didn’t ask for it. i want to treat you how i should’ve been this whole time. the biggest thing is knowing that’s not whats best for you right now. but is it not best for you just for right now though or at all and this had all this just ended and fallen apart. that’s what keeps me up at night. i was lost in the thrill of it all. feeling immortalized like i’m able to do whatever and not worry about the consequences. little did i know i was nothing but achilles and was struck in my heel. who can i fight to help regain some confidence? problem is looking in the mirror and seeing i was the one that struck myself. i caused this pain and suffering. i am the reason for my own downfall.

lessons learned: acceptance. knowing what i have to do but will i actually be strict on myself and carry that plan out? that’s what i am working on.

-day 4 (dec 21, 2017)

asdfghjkl; at this point idk if i’m still sad or just tired bc i haven’t slept this whole week. we ft’d today. believe it or not even though our convos are so dry i am still happy to hear from you. i don’t have much to say today as i am just drained and defeated.

lesson learned: be grateful for those victories in the small battles

-day 5 (dec 22, 2017)

i actually slept this is crazy. from last night to now i feel better but i already know i’m not gonna fully heal overnight. i can feel the changes in me already. i just feel so full of hurt obviously but having the urge to give myself up to anyone or anybody in need of help. i’m sure this mini high will be gone soon and i will find myself really low once again and then i’ll be writing chapters on chapters of this stuff but for now. even though i’m still so hurt i’ll be alright.

lesson learned: appreciate yourself and see the good in you even if you don’t want to.

-day 6 (dec 23, 2017)

i just think you don’t know how i really feel. you think that i’m trying to play tricks on you. that i just treat you like that one girl you always compared yourself to. you think i don’t care for you anymore. you think that i don’t hate myself every day because you won’t see how i am now. you don’t think i go everyday just wishing i get your attention again even in the smallest way .you think i don’t stay up trying to find a way to win you back. you don’t think i wish so much how i can just be the one to give you everything and let you know that you’re cared for like the old times? well i do. can i be mad at you? when’s the last time i had made you feel all of those things. what did i expect for you to just stay there forever? it’s not just bc you moved on. i had turned away from how i was months ago. i don’t just miss the memories. i don’t just want someone or anyone. i don’t just want that feeling. i want you. you were the one who was w/ me through it all. i remember the heartbreaks you went through and all the insecurities you had. i remember all the motivation i had in myself to make sure you never felt anything negative from me. to make sure that the standard was set that you wouldn’t be treated like anything else but royalty. eventually i lost of it all and i turned into the person that i despised for so long. self centered prick who felt he deserved everything. well i’m suffering now and it sucks knowing i can’t blame anyone else. what’s even worse is i know at this point i only have 2 options, either sit back and just be a spectator and live my life just waiting for a “ooh he messed yay i can prove myself now” which is just miserable OR just move on and try to get better from this even though knowing that if i move on now this is it. we really are done. either way i’m gonna be so miserable but it’s only fair since i had put you through way worst for months. if i could tell you one last thing it would be “PLEASE. JUST LISTEN. this is not the james who was going through that shit. this is not that james that was just being dumb. this is the old me. this is the one that you first fell for. i am really not trying to play games w/ you or your mind. it’s you. it’s always been. i would take you back whole heartedly w/ no regrets. i would take back the fights, the arguments, the yelling. anything to have you back. i know you still care for me. it would be so different if i was there standing in front of you i just know it would. i’m not though. but doesn’t that make you wonder like why is it so different bc i’m not there? i know you still care. i keep saying this but i just wish for one more time that you were in my arms. bc if i get that one chance i’m not letting go. i still love you. please just take that leap. this isn’t an empty promise i swear i will catch you.” it’s a little too late bud. everything i just said i had already did. i had already pushed you away one too many times. i know that the cycle will always continue. i know that eventually i will move on then one of us will go back. we will not be far from each other for too long. we were just way too good. but then again maybe this really is it. i just wish i could tell you but i know it would be the most selfish thing and i couldn’t just drop this whole mess on you for my own good. road to recovery is long as shit smh. (edit at 6am: i’m okay. i feel i just want you to know how i really feel so bad regardless if it triggers anything or if you just move so i know deep down you get me and i didn’t end things on a sour taste but i can’t send this to you bc i know that this is just too much to drop this bomb. i need to bite my tongue hard af but i know it’s what’s best bc i know that i can’t just take my feelings into consideration. you’re already with someone else). i’m sorry i realized so late. you know that timing was always our worst enemy.

lesson learned: never get too comfortable w/ the position you’re in. always strive for a greater you.