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1jamessantacruz1-blog · 8 years ago

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the explanation.

may 14: we broke up

i told you i needed time to adjust to a new lifestyle. being on my own. paying off things by myself. transitioning into adulthood basically. i said that i knew i wouldn’t be focused and i wouldn’t make any progress or actual changes in my life unless i went ahead and had a major change that pushed me to do so.

jun-oct: throughout the months i spent time so much time on different aspects of my life. the first being acquiring another bank and having 2 cards to keep up with. then i fully switched over to my one bank and set allotments so every paycheck i only keep $200 and the rest goes in my savings. going onto keeping myself physically fit. making major progressions in lifting then having some minor setbacks such as a shoulder injury and torn hip flexor. i still have progressed so much that i can’t be upset with how far i have come. as for the social aspect i met new people and have formed brotherhoods that i know will last forever. for work i went up belts in our martial arts program, i squared myself away uniform wise, i organized all my gear and tidied up my room to make it look very presentable. notice that every aspect i made major moves in except mentally and spiritually. spiritually it’s so gone. at this point you can make a case that i haven’t been to church since i’ve been baptized. the closest i’ve come to seeing the chaplin is seeing him at the gym. nice fella. anywhoot, thats a wrap and mentally i had just been soaking up the actions of my surroundings and i can’t blame them for what i become bc i make my own choices. i don’t drink with them. i don’t smoke or dip with them. but on of my nco’s told me “listen no matter what you will never be the same once you’re in the corps. it just fcks up a part of your psyche too much.” so while i was progressing i really was declining at the same time. i began to seek attention. my friends had girls that would see me from their social media accounts and add me. they would try and speak to me and i was overwhelm with all the attention and became bigheaded. the problem is i was searching for what you gave to me this whole time in them.

oct-nov: i realized 2 months ago that i don’t gain any satisfaction or joy from talking to these woman. i wasn’t respecting them and i wasn’t respecting myself. i hadn’t thought about you yet. i just knew that i didn’t like how i was. then a month goes on and thanksgiving passes and no one talks to me and i just feel even more lonely.

dec: then a couple weeks after that i was on post for our barrack. i had to sit a 24 hr shift so of course i had so much downtime. i reset my phone bc it’s been laggy and stupid and my text message notifs have been ass. out of nowhere i get like 300+ messages. one from a close friend saying she’s thankful for me then another from you saying the same thing. i was thinking my mom had told eveyone back home i was dead. i check the dates for those and it was from thanksgiving. i realized that we hadn’t been talking and you still cared enough to message me. you’ve cared for me this whole time. i couldn’t wait to give you the good news. i know it took so long but hey i can’t wait to talk to you and we can go back to old times.

dec 16: i woke up from a nap to a text. i was too late. the biggest life lesson of my life so far had just hit me. knowing that there is no one else to blame and this really is all my fault.

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1jamessantacruz1-blog · 8 years ago

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growing pains.

this is different for me bc ever since i joined i had never expressed my feelings like before. i had kept everything bottled up and never took anything serious. i didn’t do it on purpose tbh i didn’t even realize i was holding everything in. looking at what i’m surrounded by knowing that if i ever acted how i used to they would either roast me or just say “suck that sh*t up quit being a little punk b*tch.” now it’s just spewing out. i’m not looking for attention. i’m just looking for another way to vent. also i feel if i ever catch myself falling back again i can reread my journal entries to remember the pain and never let myself get that deep again.

-day 1 (dec 18, 2017) since everything had went down

i could barely eat. i stayed up the whole night last night. i was drained the whole day and i get back to my room where i’m alone and left w/ my thoughts and now i can’t help but stay up (currently 11:12pm). i can’t sleep, breathe, etc etc. this is the most cliche heartbreak hahahah. *dying laugh turns into slow cry* i’ve stayed up for the past 2 or 3 nights just thinking about each and every chance i had w/ her. each and every argument we’ve had. each time i had just straight disrespected her in the way i had treated her anything less of great. realizing that she was so pure and every “flaw” she felt she had i always highlighted more bc the way i viewed her she was unmatched and anyone else there was no competition for me. knowing deep down that no matter who i talk to, she was the one that knew me the most. she was the one that cared the most. she was the first one to ever show me real love on a consistent basis and she showed me the definition of sacrifice countless times again and again and i break down strictly bc i was not able to do the same for her. as time went on and my head got bigger i was never able to give her something real and genuine. something that was classified as real love and making her feel cared for. i am not depressed. i am able to carry out the plan of the day and still do my job. it is only when i get left alone w/ myself. i am not mad at her. i am mad at all the wrong doings i have committed and how i really had brought this on myself bad this time. sorry does not express how i feel towards her. all the mental abuse i had brought unto her i am only feeling the beginning stages of them. i wish she let me devote myself to her. i wish she let me be the one she comes to for everything. i wish she was in my arms and not anyone else’s. i want to say i will get past this but the severity of this life lesson and watching something that was once you’re “everything” slip right through your fingertips and you can’t do anything about it is tough on anyone regardless how mentally strong they proclaim themselves to be. i once loved and cared for her. i still love and care for her. i will always love and care for her.

lesson learned of the day: realize the efforts (big or small) that anyone may give to you and be appreciative of them.

this one was rough and my mind is going everywhere rn so i left things out.

-day 2 (dec 19, 2019) since everything went down

i have already maxed out the tears that come from my eyes and it’s only been a couple of days. today i was occupied but at the same time i tried my hardest to still keep in contact w/ her. i would rather talk to her in some sort of way than to lose all sort of communication w/ her. my days seems fine and i am somewhat busy but i get back to my room and my thought just yell!! i can’t sleep if i wanted to. i wish you knew how much i am sorry. i wish you knew that i really am aware of what i put you through. i wish you knew how much i care. i wish i had you in my arms just one more time. i wish you knew the pain i’m going through now. then i remember that you do. i know you know the pain bc i was the one who put you through it first. my mom told me that after we broke up you visited them and my dad sat you down and asked “did james ever hurt you?” and you just looked away and smiled and looked back at him and said “i’ll be fine tito.” she told me she could see all the pain and hardship in your face. i am filled w/ so much rage towards myself. talking to people today and them telling me that i am just getting unbrainwashed from bootcamp and coming back to my old self and that it just takes some time. what we had was real and genuine when i didn’t lose sight. i see the difference in how i acted. i just know it was genuine. it was real it was real it was real ines please believe me!! please please i need you to know. my thoughts and feelings are jumbled all over the place but what is clear is that it’s you. it’s always been you. the reason i say i just need one more time to have you in my arms is bc this time i’m not letting go.

lesson learned: never let go

-day 3 (dec 20, 2017)

i am slowly grasping these life lessons day by day. slowly accepting what i have to do to move on from this. i just need to fallback and let you run your own life. i can’t think that i can act a certain way and get you back. i need to let you come back to me on your own. i realize that i have to fall back in order to take several leaps forward. problem is this fallback feels never ending. even worst is the big chance that you won’t come back. how many more nights am i gonna spend staying up over you? how many nights am i gonna stay up begging you not to take your love away from me w/o you even knowing?the 3 types of people you meet in life are the one you’re not supposed to be with, the one you lose, and the one you’re destined for. staying up wondering which one you are. i am so empty maxine. i miss the fights. i miss the arguments. i want you to yell at me. scream at me. fight with me. anything to have your attention one last time. bc if i ever get that i will make sure of it that i never lose it again. i think i really will be strict on myself and back off like i said. i need to give you your space but it’s not easy. i just want you to see this james. the james you fell in love with. the james who actually lives everyday w/ a meaning. w/ a purpose. the purpose to progress and be a man for myself and for you. for us. the james that has that mentality from on top of everything he has accomplished and learned now. what do i want? i want to be the one who cares for you like you had cared for me even when i didn’t ask for it. i want to treat you how i should’ve been this whole time. the biggest thing is knowing that’s not whats best for you right now. but is it not best for you just for right now though or at all and this had all this just ended and fallen apart. that’s what keeps me up at night. i was lost in the thrill of it all. feeling immortalized like i’m able to do whatever and not worry about the consequences. little did i know i was nothing but achilles and was struck in my heel. who can i fight to help regain some confidence? problem is looking in the mirror and seeing i was the one that struck myself. i caused this pain and suffering. i am the reason for my own downfall.

lessons learned: acceptance. knowing what i have to do but will i actually be strict on myself and carry that plan out? that’s what i am working on.

-day 4 (dec 21, 2017)

asdfghjkl; at this point idk if i’m still sad or just tired bc i haven’t slept this whole week. we ft’d today. believe it or not even though our convos are so dry i am still happy to hear from you. i don’t have much to say today as i am just drained and defeated.

lesson learned: be grateful for those victories in the small battles

-day 5 (dec 22, 2017)

i actually slept this is crazy. from last night to now i feel better but i already know i’m not gonna fully heal overnight. i can feel the changes in me already. i just feel so full of hurt obviously but having the urge to give myself up to anyone or anybody in need of help. i’m sure this mini high will be gone soon and i will find myself really low once again and then i’ll be writing chapters on chapters of this stuff but for now. even though i’m still so hurt i’ll be alright.

lesson learned: appreciate yourself and see the good in you even if you don’t want to.

-day 6 (dec 23, 2017)

i just think you don’t know how i really feel. you think that i’m trying to play tricks on you. that i just treat you like that one girl you always compared yourself to. you think i don’t care for you anymore. you think that i don’t hate myself every day because you won’t see how i am now. you don’t think i go everyday just wishing i get your attention again even in the smallest way .you think i don’t stay up trying to find a way to win you back. you don’t think i wish so much how i can just be the one to give you everything and let you know that you’re cared for like the old times? well i do. can i be mad at you? when’s the last time i had made you feel all of those things. what did i expect for you to just stay there forever? it’s not just bc you moved on. i had turned away from how i was months ago. i don’t just miss the memories. i don’t just want someone or anyone. i don’t just want that feeling. i want you. you were the one who was w/ me through it all. i remember the heartbreaks you went through and all the insecurities you had. i remember all the motivation i had in myself to make sure you never felt anything negative from me. to make sure that the standard was set that you wouldn’t be treated like anything else but royalty. eventually i lost of it all and i turned into the person that i despised for so long. self centered prick who felt he deserved everything. well i’m suffering now and it sucks knowing i can’t blame anyone else. what’s even worse is i know at this point i only have 2 options, either sit back and just be a spectator and live my life just waiting for a “ooh he messed yay i can prove myself now” which is just miserable OR just move on and try to get better from this even though knowing that if i move on now this is it. we really are done. either way i’m gonna be so miserable but it’s only fair since i had put you through way worst for months. if i could tell you one last thing it would be “PLEASE. JUST LISTEN. this is not the james who was going through that shit. this is not that james that was just being dumb. this is the old me. this is the one that you first fell for. i am really not trying to play games w/ you or your mind. it’s you. it’s always been. i would take you back whole heartedly w/ no regrets. i would take back the fights, the arguments, the yelling. anything to have you back. i know you still care for me. it would be so different if i was there standing in front of you i just know it would. i’m not though. but doesn’t that make you wonder like why is it so different bc i’m not there? i know you still care. i keep saying this but i just wish for one more time that you were in my arms. bc if i get that one chance i’m not letting go. i still love you. please just take that leap. this isn’t an empty promise i swear i will catch you.” it’s a little too late bud. everything i just said i had already did. i had already pushed you away one too many times. i know that the cycle will always continue. i know that eventually i will move on then one of us will go back. we will not be far from each other for too long. we were just way too good. but then again maybe this really is it. i just wish i could tell you but i know it would be the most selfish thing and i couldn’t just drop this whole mess on you for my own good. road to recovery is long as shit smh. (edit at 6am: i’m okay. i feel i just want you to know how i really feel so bad regardless if it triggers anything or if you just move so i know deep down you get me and i didn’t end things on a sour taste but i can’t send this to you bc i know that this is just too much to drop this bomb. i need to bite my tongue hard af but i know it’s what’s best bc i know that i can’t just take my feelings into consideration. you’re already with someone else). i’m sorry i realized so late. you know that timing was always our worst enemy.

lesson learned: never get too comfortable w/ the position you’re in. always strive for a greater you.

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