#if god were real he'd suddenly drop 1000 dollars in my bank account so i could get a proper gaming pc and kiss astarion's stupid little fac

[bosspigeon]

when i was a 15 year old egg i discovered the game Dragon Age: Origins bc a high school friend (a true cishet ally) told me about a video game in which you could be gay

i grew up poor and in the conservative south, so i had no game consoles other than nintendo ones, and every computer i had access to was a "Family Computer" that was in a heavily trafficked room that i had to share with everyone in the house. on top of that, if i asked for video games, my stepmom (number 3) would be upset at me for not asking for something more "mature" (read: feminine)

i didn't get to actually play the game until i was 18

that didn't stop me from watching all the gameplay videos i could find, from furiously trawling the wiki for content, and hunting down all the romance scenes with one specific character while constantly looking over my shoulder for my grandparents or siblings, because i didn't want anyone to see me watching no just Awkwardly Animated "Sex" Scenes Set To Weird Music, but Gay Awkwardly Animated "Sex" Scenes Set To Weird Music

that character was, of course, Zevran Arainai, and years before i was able to play the game and "meet" him myself, i kept the tab for his romance wiki page open in the browser in my computer class, on the desktop in my grandparents' den, peruse it in the dark of the night on the tiny screen of my shitty little 2009 slide phone

by the time i could actually play the game, i knew every decision i'd make, and i could run through Zevran's romance from start to finish with my eyes closed.

And now, once again, I sit here, furiously obsessing over a pretty fictional elf rogue, gnashing my teeth and chewing at the bars of my prison (no gaming pc or console) and furtively watching gameplay and romance videos and trawling his yet-incomplete wiki page in all my spare moments, even when i shouldn't be (at work) and maniacally plotting out how i will handle his romance when a fickle god finally grants me the means to make a little pixel man to kiss his stupid, smug little pixel face

time is a flat circle