#if fan translators can come up with creative solutions then the people being paid to translate can do the same

[paperconsumption]

tired of people defending bad engstars translations like “oh that would be hard to translate” everything’s hard to translate man it came free with your fucking language barrier

[dcarevu]

Batman TAS: Mad as a Hatter

“Why don’t you go do something useful like… Oh, go jump in the river.”

Episode: 27 Robin: No Writer: Paul Dini Director: Frank Paur Animator: Akom Airdate: October 12, 1992 Grade: B

I was in high school when Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland showed up in theaters, and like almost everyone I knew, I could not have been more excited. I really loved the Disney version, and considering that the man involved with Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Batman, and more would be giving us his take on it right as I was starting to move toward my emo-scene phase, it was a dream come true. Even now, on paper, this seems like the perfect recipe, doesn’t it? But I think most of us can agree that it just didn’t meet expectations. The first time I watched it, I wouldn’t admit to myself that I wasn’t a fan. It was dark, and strange, and Tim Burton + Alice in Wonderland. Everything I wanted! As a developing emo kid, I was supposed to like it! The reason I bring this up is because Batman the Animated Series being fused with Alice in Wonderland seems like another fantasy-combination that would have no way to turn out subpar. Mad as a Hatter is an episode that, for the most part, actually gets a lot of praise. Alas (or, for the sake of the pun, Alice), maybe the idea seemed a little bit too easy, making it easier to over-shoot, missing the mark. This is another episode featuring a crazy set-piece at the end, but it is also another episode that was handed to Akom. Christ, why. Of all the episodes. All the episodes. Why is it some of the ones with the highest reliance on visuals? This episode involved not just complicated, creative visuals, but incredibly weird ones as well that needed to be animated just right to not look like subjects from one’s fever dreams. You wanna know how that turned out? Well, I heard an, “Oh my god!” from Char as the walrus and the carpenter made their appearances. While that did make me laugh quite hard, and Akom definitely got the weirdness down, it should have looked like intentional weirdness. Beyond the animation, the story is actually decent. It is Paul Dini, so what can you really expect. But even here, I would not call it A-level material. Some strange dialogue/delivery choices, and other leaps of logic/strains on the suspension of disbelief take away from it and leave me feeling extremely neutral.

Okay, so after that paragraph above was written, I went and took the screenshots from my DVD. I was surprised. The DVD looks so much better than the Blu Ray here. This was the case with The Clock King too, and I fear it is starting to seem like a pattern. I think it all comes down to the Blu Ray release looking too clean, and way too bright at times. Because of course, the DVD is in lower definition. Shadows are lightened so that we can see all of the imperfections of Akom’s drawings. Smudges and dirt are removed, giving the people a plastic look at times. It’s not the way the show was meant to be watched (as I said, probably VHS would be my preferred way of viewing if that were feasible). This puts me in an interesting spot, because I paid near $100 for the set, and also, some episodes look absolutely phenomenal. But is it worth it when some look like absolute crap? The great-looking shows look godly. The mediocre-looking ones look horrible. I was ready to tear into how Mad as a Hatter looked and rip it a new one, but now I do not think that would be fair. No, the animation here isn’t perfect. But it’s passable. And I think that’s worth something given the frequency at which I complain about Akom. At this point, I have watched up to Robin’s Reckoning. From here, I honestly might start using the ol’ dvd’s again. It’s unfortunate, but if I go back to specific episodes that I love later on, then I’ll use the Blu Ray. Remember, I am watching these with Char who has never seen the DCAU before. I want the series to make the best possible impression, and even with the best plot ever, a bad-looking episode can make a disappointing episode. Merely getting the episodes at a higher definition, but leaving them dirty and dark would have been my preferred solution. Anyway, back to talking about the episode itself (and yes, this does slightly affect how I see the episode. At first I was giving it a C. But I think I’ll have to bump it up to B territory).

We start with episode with some cute-ass mice, only to then be introduced to a face that a mother would have a hard time loving. Jervis Tetch, aka The Mad Hatter, is a character-design, alright. I think I know what they were going for, though. He has this kooky look that makes him stand out from every other character. He certainly looks like he could play someone from Wonderland. But the problem I think comes from Akom (ironic given that last paragraph, huh?). This design could probably work, but he has such an odd model, so I think they had a tough time animating him. Or maybe he simply does not translate to movement very well in general, and there was a problem the moment his model sheet was created. Regardless, he can be pretty tough to look at sometimes. Other times, though, he does have that level of whacky which I would hope would be in an episode based on Alice in Wonderland. But we see that Jervis is working on some mind-control technology while also being smitten for a girl that works in his office named Alice. Unfortunately, Alice has a boyfriend, and like many sociopaths in real life, Jervis is not okay with this, taking matters into his own hands. First of all, her name being Alice is kinda stupid, and Char agrees. It takes parallels a little bit too far, and Char noted that it would have been more subtle if her name were something like Alycia. Alice is one of the only people that Jervis feels is nice to him, so if we follow the most sound of incel-logic, she owes him her heart, mind, and body. Not only is she nice to him, but, again, her name is Alice. And it would not surprise me if this were a main factor of why Jervis is into her. He has an Alice in Wonderland poster in his office, he takes her to a theme park of sorts that has a section which is themed after the book, he owns a Mad Hatter costume (or perhaps he obtained this from the park), he quotes the book regularly, etc. He is clearly obsessed. When we reach the point where he mentions that it is one of his favorite stories, it’s like, “Wow! No kidding!” He is not quite wired into reality, likely developing this obsession at an early age to escape from life’s burdens. But Wonderland has burdens of its own.

Jervis ends up using these mind-control cards that he created (another Alice in Wonderland-related thing) to make people basically do his bidding. He first uses them on two thugs attempting to rob him and Alice, forcing them to climb up on top of a bridge and jump into the river. Batman catches notice of this through a police broadcast, and to my surprise, the show mentions a possible suicide in progress. How often do you hear a family cartoon like this use the word “suicide”? I think this is the only time I have ever heard it, despite references occasionally popping up in shows like Spongebob. He then uses more cards on his coworkers, Alice’s fiancé, and Alice herself, creating an army of Alice in Wonderland-themed warriors to defend him from Batman when Batman finds out what’s going on and sets after him. He wants Alice all to himself, and is willing to do whatever possible to obtain her. The final battle takes place in the theme park, the big set-piece of the episode. It’s got some great looking background paintings that 100% capture the tone of the book. It is a shame that the animation done by Akom couldn’t hold up to Radomski’s work. We have moments such as Batman balancing on top of the walls of a playing card maze that I wish stressed me out a little bit more. But because of how stilted the movement is, Batman never really seems like he is having a tough time keeping balance, even though we clearly see him struggling. The fight scenes could also be much better, with more impact felt. The odd costumes that most everyone is wearing makes for some really distorted-looking characters, and it’s clear that not a lot of time was spent making them look quite right. At the same time, though, between the subject material, the gimmicks, the overall surreal nature, and the background art, it is still a lot of fun to watch, even if it is in a more campy way. It is not an episode to be taken extremely seriously. This can be a problem with Batman. The tone can fluctuate greatly from episode to episode. At the beginning, it did not matter as much. Right away we had varying quality and seriousness. I mean, we went from On Leather Wings to Christmas With the Joker. But now we are getting gothic masterpieces like Two-Face, so episodes like Mad as a Hatter feel jarring as hell. It is an episode I enjoyed more on second watch as I gathered screenshots. I loosened up and let myself have fun with it.

The Mad Hatter fails to be a sympathetic villain like I feel they might have been going for, but I do enjoy him being so delusional and sociopathic. When Alice mentions her boyfriend, he gets this scary scowl, and you know at that moment that this is no character you want to root for. When Alice’s boyfriend temporarily breaks up with her, rather than attempting to comfort her and being upset over her sorrow, he jumps for joy because he has a chance to finally swoop in (the epitome of an Internet “nice guy”). When she gets back together with her boyfriend, turned fiancé, he squeezes a bouquet of roses in frustration so hard that he bleeds. I think they were able to get away with this portion because maybe the blood could have passed off as liquid from the flowers? Which doesn’t really make a lot of sense, but for the sake of the blood being included, um, sure. It was definitely rose-goo, guys. Not blood at all… And he also blames Batman for why things ended up the way they did, even though Batman had virtually nothing to do with anything until the very end. He decided to mind-control everyone because he was being a spoiled little piss-baby who could not let the girl he supposedly loves be happy. Char did not care for the character, and jokingly mentioned that he was appropriating the Mad Hatter, doing things that he would never do. Like some batshit crazy super-fan who feels sooo connected with a character, but actually doesn’t understand them at all.

Not a perfect episode, but a grower.

See? Cute-ass mice!

Wow, I didn’t realize that we were watching Attack on Titan. (Joke inspired by Char).

The poster on the wall matches the title card/an actual illustration from the book. It’s actually a pretty dope poster.

A variety of shots showing Jervis’ face. See how inconsistent it is? It is a little similar to the Pokémon Drilbur, where it only works 2D. Adding an element of 3D illusion (such as movement) causes it to fall apart.

Oh, sure, go and rob them right after you see Batman drive by. That’s always smart.

“Please, Mr. Hat. Go easy on us.” The delivery here was wicked funny. It was so monotone, and sounded like he was faking.

I quite like this facial expression. His smile reminds me of the Cheshire Cat.

Batman + Taco Bell

I love the panic in Batman’s voice as he tries to stop them from jumping off of the bridge. It shows how concerned he is with keeping them safe.

They were able to animate this shimmer pretty damn well. Then again, how hard could it be?

A very subtle recreation of the illustration/title card.

I don’t think the background here quite comes together, the composition is off. Still neat to look at.

A close-up of the illustration.

Now this is an ugly facial expression. Gross! And it’s not like this was a quick frame. It was there long enough to notice.

This shot has a lovely glow to it. It looks quite nice. 

One of the only times they were able to get away with blood. Um. Oops. I meant flower-goo! It’s flower-goo, guys! The blood drips right onto Billy’s face. As if a hit were put on him. Awesome detail.

“Oh, do be quiet!”

Bruce whispers “Congratulations.” in such a goobery way. I love it. 

The shadow of the plants shifted in some wonky-looking ways. Also, when the Mad Hatter and Batman both arrive on the scene, she says, “This is getting too weird.” But she says it so nonchalantly. Not the best delivery.

Very sloppy-looking drawings of their faces. These costumes, though. 

Cool impact here. He just decimates that wood. I’m not sure if Storybook Land has the safest costumes. 

This is some enjoyable stuff right here. I had a lot of fun with this portion.

“Off with his head!” I should have counted how many times this line was said.

Perfect example if how cool the painted visuals are paired with some mediocre animation. Hell, I’m pretty sure Batman’s run was recycled for two of these stills.

Gee, I wonder which cards are going to move. Great Mad Hatter, pose, though. This is what I wish he looked like all the time!

The looming Jabberwock ends up falling on him, ending the adventure through Wonderland. 

There’s no reversing the damage, Jervis. You’ll never talk with her again. Was it worth it? Also, his hair totally changed color at one point. Um... Maybe he dyed it?

Char’s grade: D Next time: Dreams in Darkness

Full episode list here!

[mattyunijourneybrief13]

An Investigation into Potential Job Roles & Agencies - Part 2

1. Junior User Experience Designer, FinancialForce

https://www.glassdoor.co.uk/job-listing/graduate-user-experience-designer-financialforce-JV_IC2698423_KO0,33_KE34,48.htm?jl=3715772076&utm_campaign=google_jobs_apply&utm_source=google_jobs_apply&utm_medium=organic

https://www.financialforce.com

The job opportunity at FinancialForce is a great one, however I won’t be able to apply for it this time as I will still be at university when the application deadline is, and I want to develop myself and my portfolio further until the end of my university course in May. Nevertheless, I believe this would be a good opportunity for me as it is close to Leeds, and is easily accessible by the motorway. 

FinancialForce are a company that ‘accelerate business value with comprehensive best practices and the most intelligent analytics’.

The role itself is part of the UX team. The attractive aspect of this job is that it is a junior designer role, which would be perfect for me in my current career position. There will be an opportunities in the role to ease into more responsibility, which again is a positive as it would help me progress in the company.

What will the company offer to me in the role?

A structured plan to enable me to realise my potential and mature as a designer

Training opportunities

A place for me in a growing, market leading company

Facts about the role

The role is based in Harrogate, North Yorkshire

Expected start September 2021

I will have a dedicated mentor (who they call a Graduate Success Coach) from day 1, offering support and guidance

This is a permanent position from day 1

The first 6 months of your FinancialForce career will be spent working through our supportive Graduate Program

How can I be successful in the role?

I need to be a good communicator, with the ability to articulate my ideas effectively

Be a self starter, motivated with an appetite to learn

I must have a good understanding of a user centred design process

Experience in creating design assets - user journey maps, wireframes and prototypes

What else would give me an advantage to get the role

Worked in an Agile environment

Hands on experience with user research and usability testing

Experience of business software or a business environment

The application includes a link to your LinkedIn profile, as well as your CV and any additional files of your work. This is a reminder of how important it is to have a social profile, especially LinkedIn.

2. Pocketworks

https://pocketworks.co.uk

Pocketworks is an agency in Leeds that design apps. The company was founded in 2012 by Tobin Harris, who realised that companies were not realising their potential with their apps. I have spotted the same thing! So it is good that we both think alike. 

This company sounds very interesting to work for, as they share the same ambition as me: creating experiences for clients that make their lives easier, in this case making them profit.

It was interesting to see their work process, which is to innovate, deliver, improve and learn by using data analysis and prototypes. They are aware of the UX process, which is beneficial to me as an aspiring UX Designer, as I will develop by working this way.

The project that stuck out to me was the instant match analysis data that gets sent to football referees. This project sounds really interesting, and even though the details were private, it stuck out to me. I am a massive football fan, so projects like this are unique and I would love to work on a project like this.

Here is what the client had to say about the project:

“Our users have a challenging lifestyle, often on the move. We wanted to develop a valuable and convenient tool for them to benefit from every day, and it was vital we partnered with a company that got this vision."

“We were scouting for leading expertise and skills, as well as passion for what we wanted to achieve, and we found that in Pocketworks."

"The project ran smoothly, the teams collaborated every step of the way and the final app, used by more than 500 match officials and staff across all UK professional leagues, is testament to this.”

Mike Adamson, Head of Systems & Analysis, PGMOL

3. Supremo

To look for some more agencies in and around the Manchester area, I found an agency called Supremo. It actually neighbours Salford university, which is handy.

https://www.supremo.co.uk

Supremo have a unique website, with a circle icon as a mouse. This was a fun addition to the website and shows that they are aware of design.

Their values are admirable:

- Straight talking

- Warm welcome

- Big ideas

- Open ears

I think this is very refreshing to hear, as most agencies seem to be slightly hard to reach, and it feels like you are not very welcome with the door closed. The fact that they are encouraging you to get in touch really gives you that extra confidence in yourself to get in touch with them.

They offer students positions to gain experience, which absolutely took me back. I’ve never seen anything like this before; it is so fantastic to see that they are aware of the struggles of students starting out in their design career. For example, the description below mentions the benefits such as working alongside professionals, networking and gaining skills to become ready for future employers. Just the fact that they are aware of this as an agency and are offering a service to help, is genuinely incredible.

The available roles are a design placement and a development placement. The design placement looks extremely attractive to me at this moment in time. To apply for the role, it says that you need to simply email them.

Their portfolio is easy to navigate; helped by a filter with branding, UX Design and web development. 

My favourite piece of work that stood out to me was Walk the Bear, which is an app that acts as therapy, which involves walking and talking. This idea is unique and it is relatable to me, as I love a walk in the countryside.

The idea is to walk and talk with a psychologist, outside in beautiful places. What a fantastic idea! 

What is behind the idea? Why walking and talking?

Exercise - Research indicates that physical activity produces changes in your brain that make you happier and more relaxed.

Fresh Air - Regular doses of fresh air help to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and maintain good overall health and well-being.

Beautiful Scenery - Trees, lakes and other natural and urban scenery inspire you to look beyond yourself to new ideas and opportunities.

https://www.walkthebear.org/about/

4. Eden Agency

https://eden.agency/work/ai-android-app

Eden Agency is an agency that began with two software developers. The team is now almost 20 people. The team includes developers and system architects, designers and UX designers, strategists, testers, project and account managers.

They have always adapted to technology, which has helped them grow as an agency. They’ve developed smartphone apps as well as interfaces for XR since the Oculus Rift was released.

Again, their aim is to create digital services that improve lives and communities.

The piece of work that stood out to me the most was an app for Hillarys, which is a company that fits blinds. They wanted to give customers an idea of the way their windows could look before booking an appointment with them, which is why they asked for Eden Agency to help. 

The brief was to:

‘Help us sell the dream of great shutters to customers by letting them see the dressings in their window before our advisors visit.’

The idea is for the customer to take a picture of their window, and then choose from available blinds that can be fitted into the space. The user has 4 options to choose from: Style, Panel, Colours & Louvres.

5. UI/UX Designer Internship, WellBe

https://angel.co/company/wellbe-3/jobs/939171-ui-ux-designer-internship?utm_campaign=google_jobs_apply&utm_source=google_jobs_apply&utm_medium=organic

Another avenue I could go down is an unpaid internship, which may not be possible however if I were to change my living arrangements and move back home this could be a possibility. It is always important to keep an open mind about your career path.

An unpaid internship has its benefits, as it is not as popular due to there being no salary, however the experience and the networking opportunities would be priceless. This would be beneficial to me as I have no proper UX experience in terms of a paid job, and I will be able to grow my portfolio. Also, doing unpaid work is attractive to future employers, as it demonstrates your willingness to learn, and that money isn’t the driving factor in your career.

My responsibilities in the role will be to:

Generate wireframes and prototypes

Develop design concepts from initial sketches through to polished final screens and assets

Create and illustrate content for blogs, website, press and social media channels

Translate high level design requirements into wireframes and engaging, functional user interfaces

Assist with conducting user research

For this role, I will need to have:

Strong UX/UI skills

Solid design education or background

Ability to problem solve, nothing is unachievable

Aptitude for learning

Start-up mentality

Inquisitive, passionate and enthusiastic about getting things done

Creative and thorough, with high attention to detail

Positive, can do, go-getting energy

Ability to take direction but also be a self-start and come with solutions

My position would be reviewed after 6 months. If it is going well, I could be able to stay on as a full time paid employee.

[mutualhighmaintenancemachin-blog]

I need a fix cus I'm going down

Made the mistake of appraising myself sufficiently healthy to attend a bonfire with normal decent tax-payer type folks. Stood up too fast in my chair and blacked out completely, hit my head on concrete. When I came to i had no earthly fucking memory of having driven to the bonfire, nor could i really recall the names of the three concerned hipsters perched over my limp doughy abscessed jaundiced shit heap of a body. Told them it was a problem with blood sugar, i had forgotten to imbibe my afternoon orange juice! Translation-haven’t slept in four days, taking in roughly two hundred calories a day all in ginger ale. Meth heads opt to sustain themselves on a diet of paranoid resentment in lieu of proteins and grains. The cook gets super spun and lectures us like we’re babes about the dark leftist forces presently waging war on the masculinity of the white man-for one thing, he's convinced that jews run the porn industry and that fucking pornhub is riddled with overtures both overt and subliminal intended to brainwash white guys into identifying as weak and feminine and to associate men of color with heroism and strength. He also believes that soy causes gender dysphoria. All of these batshit crazy delusions act like stars in the broad constellation of the cooks worst dystopian fears-a workforce with no room left for traditionally male-centered leadership characteristics dominated from top-down by a host of future ladies who make their trade in creative collaboration, rather than fear and theft of other peoples ideas. Without a need for a provider, our nazi-bespectacled methamphetamine cook envisions a new sexual economy in which women will jettison their attachments to the family structure in favor of like, industrialism, i guess, and men will have no other resort but a desperate turn to cross-dressing and dick-taking and i guess maybe stitching scarves. It was at this point that i was really tempted to tell the cook something he needs to hear-if you really believe that large shadow societies are orchestrating history just cus they want to make you some dudes boyfriend, its probably cus part of you wants to be. I get that, sucking dick is a blast. if you’re terrified that you can’t compete in a post-modern job market, it might just be because you aren’t. There’s no place left for cowboys or outlaws or methcooks cus those professions only make sense in the context of an insanely violent frontier. You feel obsolete and useless because you are, but make no mistake, that hurt has nothing to do with the world everything to do with your soul being severely malnourished. I know cus mine is too! Real moral christian courage is showing up to your crucifixion with a smile on your face ready to graciously thank the romans for every nail they put through your wrist. You feel empty because your a paranoid fascist meth cook, i feel bad cus I'm a junkie. We are bad. The nazi pilots who blitzed france in two sleepless, speed-fueled nights probably felt fucking fantastic, as if they were aloft on the trade winds of history itself and their momentum across europe must have seemed like proof enough of the moral righteousness of the german cause. But then the morning comes and the meth wears off and your skin smells like piss and your back aches and you can’t stop grinding your jaw and the first wave of survivors begin to trickle out from the camps and presumably in that moment a few nazis had the epiphany-that the very same starved beaten traumatized jewish women and men and children they had aspired to extinguish from human memory were now going to tell the story of what had happened. Power loses, grace is its own kingdom, etc etc. Furthermore those german officers who managed to transition back to civilian life and start families must have experienced a very strange new parental dynamic-can you imagine a family at a dinner table and the proud head of household instructs his small son to finish his vegetables and after pausing to mull it over for a few moments his son turns to him and says Father having thought about it a great deal i don’t think ill be following your instructions-after all you were only following instructions yourself when you helped to engineer the greatest cruelty in human history! To which ostensibly the father mumbles to clear his throat and asks his wife to pass the potato salad. Not even to invoke the possibility that the Fuhrer himself Mr. Adolph Hitler probably died surrounded by a swarm of shadow people, fucking hilarious just the thought, him yelling in that distinctive manic patois of his that he’s the leader and the abeyance of his will is sacrosanct blah blah blah while the little invisible mites under his pale skin shift and swell and scratch and the shadow people dancing around his peripheral vision taunting and cajoling and ridiculing him and the absurdity of his final solution and because he didn’t know speed the way we now know speed he probably didn’t know anything about the shadow people at all from his perspective they might just as well have been the ghosts of his victims come to taunt and ridicule him in his lowest hour pointing and laughing and daring him to pull the trigger!   

The same entitlement motivates the mass shooter who imagines a world full of seven billion perfect strangers as an attack on his rightful pursuit of happiness. No one will sleep with him and he can’t make sense of his place in a world built on fucking so he begins to indulge in fantasies of coercion, revenging himself on the very public space he so craved Now if our hypothetical douchebag had any pretense of self-awareness he might have looked into the possibility of adopting several dogs, and in turn coming to see his life as a story about caring unconditionally for animals. That’s a helluva life-Saint Francis got into the catholic hall of fame for doing not a whole lot more. Or perhaps he could adjust his expectations of intimacy in consideration of the countless plain-to middling-to ugly folks who are forced to come to terms with the truth early on that all of our bodies are grotesque and hideously deformed billboard advertisements for our big beautiful impossibly dense souls-come see a kernel of divine inspiration made self-aware, shimmering in the glory of creation,  just two exits past the tits and chin and ankles and all the rest of our faulty parts. 

Now a discerning reader(however unlikely you’d be to find one in an audience consisting of absolutely fucking nobody lol) might have already begun to detect a certain heady strain of hypocrisy in this authors conclusion. Because while I'm not much of anything the one thing i certainly am is a self-destructive drug addict. So maybe its one thing for me to make fun of the cook for his wrath-filled flu-stricken infants tantrum of a way of viewing the world, assigning to his solipsism a generation-hopping solidarity with his nazi forefathers who came before and identifying in his politics the germinal seed of fascisms future, a politics so personal and self-contained that every divorce will be debated as if it were a stand in for larger cultural decay, every morning hangover a portent of spiritual decline, the vitals of the stock market remeasured and reassessed each time someone finds on the sidewalk a loose dollar bill. Political assemblies with real largesse exclusively devoted to trolling the instagram of a nebraskan man named doug’s now ex-wife  for pictures of her maui vacation with husband number two drinking mojitos on a beach with sand bleached white as bone and both of them grinning with surgical precision an opulent almost confrontational kind of public grinning Doug couldn't recall that bitch ever having felt for him and the kids off playing in the surf and well how could any concerned and conscientious citizen fail to see the basic threat to democracy that whole scene represents? Donald Trump is probably the loneliest man in the world. He’s never met another person. He spends his time wandering the halls of his head checking for reoccurrences of his own reflection, a lifetime spent pathologically re-telling the same story about how he came to be the most powerful person in the world, so that by the time he really became who he had always pretended to be, the most influential figure in the free world, he had long-since bought into his own fraud to such a great extent that even the real thing couldn’t compare. Only a selfishness and self-centeredness as grandiloquent as his could explain the mindset of the modern mass shooter and the micro-politics informing him. He confuses his head for the world and then becomes enraged when it won’t do as he wishes, cursing the rain for its cold lash against his shoulder where he’d rather there have rested warm summer glow, furious at the thought of all the people he would never meet in far-off places he would never see who never paid him any attention whatsoever. Playing peek-a-boo a little bit of cheating peer through chubby fingers arrayed like a geisha’s fan and for the first time see that objects don’t disappear without our gaze to ontologically anchor them to earth. What a hurt. Now it might be technically correct that my addiction does to my loving family what the selfishness of the mass shooter does to public space. It intrudes like an alien thing and turns the air chilly in our childhood home and it transforms the medicine cabinet into a contested territory in need of defensive fortification and now that Cassies marriage has crashed on the rocks of addiction nobody could blame her if she never allowed another addict to darken her doorstep again and there was the sight of Jan opening my trucks passenger side door and a few rigs fell out onto the floor and all the spoons in the house have one side burnt-and-bruised like a black-eye you say you got from falling down a flight of stairs despite body language that says something entirely else why is it we don’t have a single spoon in the house what ghost spends all night punching the walls full of holes 

recently went to an Alanon meeting to sneak a glimpse of how the other half lives...this lady said my addiction is to loving my addict. Bawled rivers out from red raw-rubbed rubber eyes and said my addiction is to my addict Not her person or qualifier or partner but her addict. Syntax almost seeming to suggest that something about the existential plight of the addict gets her intoxicated dizzy on pain. It’s quaint though cus that sort of sentiment is for fucking rookies-guarantee you no ones crying over me like a romantic. Not anymore. My thing these days is of a distinctly more shakespearian strand of tragedy, with wittgenstein and derrida’s influences also undeniable. I’m sick now in a way where people stop crying and praying you’ll find God and change and decide instead it’d be easier to just cross the street. Schizophrenics lost in a chorus meant only just for them, apocalyptic street preachers who stand on soap boxes while reeking of shit and give voice to visions of an America not our own, an alternate dimension where european arrival at the shores of the new world stalled out somewhere halfway across the pacific ocean on a wave so tall it scraped the heavens and America grew up a nation of nomads who set their watches to the rumbling migration of herds of buffalo and not even the highest priest could dream of a more beautiful idea than that of motion, movement without cease, the only acceptable fixed still frozen property being the burial mounds where the dead went after all their motion had gone-if they could view us on the other side of the looking glass stolen away in our own personal homes they would almost certainly come to the conclusion that this place where we live is just the land of the dead, a negative photograph of everything vital and good. Who would i be to disagree though, right? 

The point is anyway that some alchemical reaction of A. Mental illness and B. Amphetamine abuse has more or less stranded me in words. Verbs and nouns and adjectives and adverbs in place of sky and grass. What Fredric Jameson called the prison house of language. Where derrida’s difference goes to play for eternity, never quite meaning what it had meant to say. What shook wittgenstein speechless. The president’s rhetoric so hollow that you can almost see him suffering a kind of dementia or spiritual torpor that results from the badness of his faith. Chewing and chomping consonants and sounds till they all are made to mush and shearing syllable after syllable off the network of signification until all that’s left is one satellite pinging a distress call hello is anyone there off of its own side. It’s own side like Adam plucked Eve from his rib and said put on this dress-after they ate the fruit and God cast him/her out to walk the world alone reportedly God said have fun all alone you worthless slut. Imagine trumps final state of the union-i am very sick, i have been alone for as long as I can remember, i wish i hadn’t lied so often, i wish i had occasionally told the truth, i would trade all of it to have known just one person. 

Anyways, barring that miracle of political theater, the body gets sick and dissolves while the spirit is lost in words. I’d like to die in a bathroom stall in haughville with a rig stuck in my arm and the words I'm sorry stuck at the tip of my tongue and God decides to show some compassion and makes me a deal says you were never much good to people didn’t believe in a thing but you sure could do some impressive vomiting up of nonsense words and so what ill do is your soul will dissolve and turn into ink and for the rest of eternity you’ll be a naughty joke or a half-scribbled doggerel scrawled on the wall of a piss-soaked bathroom stall in the ghetto or you could say call this number here for a good time and don’t forget to ask for large marge and nobody’d ever suspect you were trapped in there or maybe a joke like this favorite of mine about my son it goes something like Jesus Christ was a God-awful carpenter, couldn’t pull a nail to save his own life. Christ was a God-awful, couldn’t pull a nail to save his own life. Couldn't pull a nail. Christ was God-awful. Couldn’t nail his own couldn’t save a carpenter terrible couldn’t pull god-awful a terrible carpenter he couldn’t pull a nail to save his own life. I can’t pull this nail to save my own life. It’s right there sticking out of my wrist, but for whatever reason I just can’t find the right words to pull it out he was a carpenter who couldn’t pull a nail even if his life depended on it couldn't save his own life he couldn't-

For a good time call this number 1-555-555-5555 and don’t forget to ask for-

[johnsellph]

Virtual Racing

In the last few weeks we’ve seen several virtual races held online. Necessity is the mother of invention and it’s been a way for the sport to continue with all the cancelled races. It’s a poor substitute for real racing that serves only to remind us just how sophisticated a real race can be with tactics, weather and landscapes combining to create something special. Virtual racing seems designed for a limited audience but this is the start and there’s space to trial a variety of formats.

Unlike other e-sports, cycling actually involves pedaling and physical exertion. This is the unique selling point… and the problem. We’ve seen football stars playing FIFA and motor racing pros racing in Gran Turismo on their Playstations but all from the comfort of their armchairs and sofas. There are innate skills such as reaction times but arguably a large part of the appeal here is the celebrity element, to see Lewis Hamilton on the same platform as you might have; or the tribal aspect where a football club has such huge support that fans will tune in for almost anything being done by a star player, for example Ronaldo cutting grass or loading the dishwasher could still attract plenty. Pro cycling lacks this, Belgium aside arguably it doesn’t have the same celebrity pull. The physical aspect of having to pedal and break out into a sweat should be a selling point but so far it’s proving to be a leg-press competition that’s lacking drama and highlights how much of road cycling’s appeal comes from the landscape, terrain, weather and tactics as well as sweat and fatigue.

The Digital Swiss races have lacked suspense, typically a rider has taken the lead early and kept it to the end. You could watch in the hope some started too fast and would crack but this hare and tortoise scenario never really happened. This is partly down to the Rouvy software platform, it allows users to have virtual rides via footage of real roads which might be enjoyable for lone users in their basement wanting a virtual ride on a majestic mountain pass but the software gives no aerodynamic advantage if a rider places their avatar behind another one. Drafting is the essence of road racing, so to lose this aspect is to forfeit a lot of the sport’s tactical sophistication.

The Zwift races incorporate the slipstream effect but with more of a gaming experience with virtual landscapes and riders able to deploy various power-ups and so far these have been essential to the two wins in the series on Eurosport in the last two days. It’s an interesting contrast and allows for more freedom and creativity in the format but relies on the audience knowing what these features mean and so it’s presumably confusing for people unfamiliar to Zwift.

Team Sunweb’s Nicolas Roche has been an online success in these races and did a good interview with the Chasse Patate podcast (in French) pondering the equality of the virtual world: does your internet connection matter, are everyone’s trainers calibrated the same and so on? He suggested having all competitors in the same building on the same devices as a theoretical solution. Even then it’d be difficult, right now gathering everyone in the same gymnasium is out of the question, plus power meters from the same manufacturer can vary and teams have different equipment sponsors. This brings us to the structural problem where it’s possible to get a peloton on the start line for a real race but how to do this for teams sponsored by Elite, Wahoo and Tacx, and if Geraint Thomas and Mathieu van der Poel are paid to promote Zwift are they contractually excluded from Rouvy? And so on.

The Giro plays in the background of many a bar or caffè in Italy

But the bigger question is who does this interest? If you’re reading a niche blog here then you’re a hardcore cycling fan but pro cycling works because it reaches the mass market, not you or I. It literally travels to people, visiting towns and even villages that other sports don’t and when it’s on television it attracts millions who aren’t big cycling fans but tune in for the Tour of Flanders, the Giro and especially the Tour de France. This explains why the likes of Sunweb, CCC, Bora, Soudal or Groupama pay millions for title sponsorship instead of Wahoo, Tacx or Powerbar. The virtual Tour of Flanders got an audience of 600,000 compared to the habitual million or more which is good but probably exceptional: this is cycling-mad Flanders, it was a novelty and there was a captive audience locked in their homes and probably won’t translate to the same audience in France or Italy, let alone the UK or USA and isn’t the sort of thing you can imagine on TV or radio in the back of a bar. It’s a few years old now but an opinion poll in France asked what drew people to watch the Tour de France on TV and it wasn’t the race: the largest segment of the audience tuned in for the scenery. As such the Tour de France doubles as a travel program, as do other races, and this segment of the audience is lost automatically to e-racing. If anything e-racing is doubling-down on the niche within a niche element as it’s a blunt version of sport that stresses on-screen displays of watts and power-weight ratios while only a subset of cyclists use power data. Still if the sport can’t reach the mass market today then tapping into the loyal base is still of interest, especially to some technical sponsors.

As a work-in-progress there’s a blank canvas, if something isn’t working today it could be fixed for tomorrow. Ideally a virtual race should have drafting as this is the essence of road racing but there’s a chance to import other aspects from cycling and beyond to make online events more exciting, for example copying a track elimination race where, say, the last rider in the bunch each kilometre gets cut from the race. Perhaps we embrace the idea that these events are no copy and instead try “wacky races” whether it’s a further gamification of the races with more bonuses, virtual patches of oil that cost riders virtual time or even Pellos-style monsters brandishing giant hammers. There’s a lot to think about, fundamentally should e-racing mimic road racing or use the freedom of a virtual world to offer something completely different? Both formats can co-exist and appeal to different audiences.

Conclusion Virtual races are no substitute for the real thing, whether as entertainment for fans or reaching the mass audience that team sponsors crave. These online races seem designed to appear to a subset of hardcore cycling fans but reaching them is still worthwhile and hopefully it doesn’t cost too much to develop, promote and broadcast these races and in turn help make side sponsorship deals with indoor training suppliers more valuable. The formats need work but this is a new concept that didn’t exist two months ago and there’s a blank canvas ahead with open questions about whether to make online racing even more like the real thing or to use the virtual experience to make the racing completely different.

Virtual Racing published first on https://motocrossnationweb.weebly.com/