#if carlos had a phone out he would’ve posted the same exact post on the right

[omegalerc]

this is the same exact image.

[fernandopiastri28]

you love me (i really do) ~ lando norris

~ part 1 ~

warnings: drinking, angst

Everything came back to her now about that night in a flash, the night Lando got a podium in Singapore. It had seemed like a blur in the moment, since the celebration had been so quickly swallowed up by endless shots, blaring music, too much touching, and the way Lando’s touch felt hot and heavy all over her.

He’d wanted to celebrate it, that’s obviously why he was crazy drunk- his eyes bright with the sort of excitement only a champion had. He’d been so happy, soaking up every moment of attention that blared on him. Sure, Carlos had won the race, but Lando had been enjoying each second like he was the one taking home the first place trophy.  

The photos and videos seemed endless. There was him getting out of the car, his toothy grin, the way his face lit up in pride as he raised the trophy high above his head. Each scroll past the photos felt like more of her restraint being chipped away at her body.

Her situation had become so direly drastic to the one she’d found herself deep within only a matter of hours ago. Her surroundings went from the blinding neon lights of the club, to the sudden dim shade as her head remained buried under layers of thick blankets. Her neck craned at an uncomfortable angle to look at her phone screen as her thumb idly swiped through twitter. It seemed like a bad dream, a bad hangover at that- all regret with all good memories just narrowly out of reach.

Seemingly, the whole platform had been going crazy over the ‘CarLando’ podium. The memory of seeing it first hand was beyond hazy for her, but seeing the photos now- it must’ve been the best of his career. Standing on the second step next to his best friend, champagne coated his face in a glimmering sheen under the luminous night light celebrations. 

Each new piece of media that appeared on her timeline caused her resolve to falter slightly more, being steadily replaced with the desire to bombard his phone with strings of apology texts. She shouldn’t have walked out on him, she shouldn’t have left without an apology, she shouldn't have ignored the three times he’d tried to call her presumably just after he’d woken up in an empty bed.

But she also shouldn’t have slept with him.

He was her best friend and not even a day ago, he was on top of her, all over her, inside her. Who’s to say when he did it with her would’ve been different? It was likely the exact same as every other time for him- have a good race (sometimes even if it had been a shitty one), get drinks, wait for a flock of attention from girls, give the most basic of compliments, ‘ you have beautiful eyes,’, ‘you’re fucking gorgeous in that dress,’, and wait for them to fall to their knees for him- literally.

Maybe it would wash over, maybe he’d be fine by the Japanese grand prix, Qatar at the least. He’d be fine, he always was. He somehow managed to consistently pick himself back up after each bad race, getting over a one night stand would be much easier than that.

Right?

Japan was the race directly after Singapore, and she didn’t attend. Lando wasn’t going to miss her, she’s pretty sure of that. After the initial few calls he’d attempted to make to her the morning she left him in the hotel, he’d gone seemingly radio silent. He was posting regularly on instagram, liking stupidly immature tweets, even hinting towards big upcoming projects for quadrant. He was.. normal. Unaffected clearly.

She took a flight to Australia, reckoning it was just about the safest place she could escape from Lando. The Australian grand prix was way back at the beginning of the year, and unlike his teammate, this wasn’t even his home, and he had no reason to go there.

She could camp out here for as long as she pleased- or at least until the middle of march when the 2024 Australian grand prix would be taking place. From the 24 of september until the 20 of march (give or take a few days), she had just about 6 months to sort herself the fuck up with him, or just escape somewhere else.

Trying to ignore all the information and blast of new media as the Qatar grand prix approached was near unignorable. McLaren was clearly confident about the track, and they believed that even under the unideal conditions of the track and the surrounding environment, that the cars were designed to fit each aspect of the Lusail Circuit.

And she wasn’t necessarily purposefully ignoring anything Lando related- in actuality she sometimes found her fingers hovering over a new interview of his. It was refreshing to see him happy, looking a whole lot better than she’d been feeling the last few days. So when her calendar pings as a reminder that qualifying was happening at 7 am, despite the stupid hour she’d need to be awake for it- she watched it anyways. 

Lando narrowly ended in 10th after his lap times were deleted. Oscar suffered the same fate, but still had the advantage of being 3 places ahead of his senior teammate for the sprint shootout. Unfortunately he suffered again in the sprint shootout, Oscar starting in pole position while he came narrowly behind in second. Considerably an impressive feat, but for someone who wasn’t satisfied if he was not very first- Lando couldn’t have seemed more disappointed.

The sprint was worse for him afterwards, dropping from 1st to 2nd as Max took his spot. Oscar retained his pole, keeping his pace throughout the whole race to eventually take home his first win (even if ‘ it wasn’t a real race’) as a rookie. Lando, once again, was not thrilled. After being in the sport for 5 years, he was still chasing the high that would accompany a win.

On the day of the actual race, Lando performed only slightly worse than Oscar- the two of them securing the second ‘McPodium’ of the season with Oscar on the second step and Lando in third. Beneath the sheer exhaustion, near matching grins spreaded across both of their faces as they proudly held up their trophies. There was no doubt that Lando would every let the fact that his rookie teammate got win before he did- that much was evident in all the post race interviews. 

There were certainly moments where she contemplated sending him a message, congratulating him on another podium to add to his collection. It did feel wrong though, appearing again out of nowhere when he achieved something notable. She didn’t want to come across that she’d only be there for him when he was successful. In actuality, she really just wanted to be back in his life. Surely a week without contact wouldn’t end the multi-year friendship they had.

But after all, a lot can happen in one night. Maybe Lando would gradually just turn into a distant memory of hers- somebody that she once knew.

At COTA, Lando secured his fourth podium in a row. He’d gotten 2nd in Singapore, 2nd in Japan, 3rd in Qatar, and back up to 2nd in America. This time, Oscar doesn’t join him on the podium, Lewis does instead. Two multi world champions- one a recent 3 time champion, the other with 7 titles- and Lando right there next to them. He’d be next, she was sure he would be.

It’s quite the sight, the three men stood up on their respective steps. Lewis- the past of formula one. The man who ruled the sport for years, taking home win after win. Only challenged by the very race winner of Max Verstappen. He was the face of formula one for the time being, and likely could be for the following few years. There were only a few talents in the sport who had the potential to fight Max for those future titles- and Lando was certainly one of them. He had a good car, a teammate who could challenge and push him to be a better driver, he had the determination- the drive to win.

Mexico wasn’t anything to write home about. She tried to not watch it, getting an icky feeling each time she saw Lando on screen because the only place her mind would go to was how sweet his mouth tasted. It seemed that the only thoughts that would flood her brain each time she saw anything related to him, her body went into a sort of remembering state when all she could think about was how she’d felt that night. He ended in 5th, so maybe she should’ve just not watched the race. His face was hardly shown beyond a clip of him just before getting onto the car, and then in the post race interviews. At least she didn’t stay up all night thinking about it.

Brazil on the other hand was a race worth watching- Max in 1st, Lando in 2nd, Fernando in 3rd. The gap between Alonso and Norris is insane, especially given Fernando was a 2 time world champion with more than 20 years of experience. He’d be next, she knew it. He’ll be a world champion soon, and her only wish was that she’d be smart enough and brave enough to reach out with congratulations. She also hoped that he’d be happy to receive one from her.

Notably the worst race of the season is Las Vegas, given that Lando crashed on Lap 3. He slammed straight into a barrier, his car almost flinging backward with the power of hitting a wall at 180mph. It was the only race she didn’t want, but hearing about it afterwards sent a cold sweat down her back. A sharp inhale filled her lungs and her hand stayed attached over her gaping mouth. She didn’t check how bad the crash was initially, and wad glad when she heard he was out without any injuries.

Finally, the season finale in Abu Dhabi occurred. After such an intense season (that she’d shamefully tuned in for more than she would’ve liked to admit post Singapore), it was almost a relief when the race ended, because of the realisation that she wouldn’t have to hear about Lando for a few months, until preseason testing at least. 

With the slight friendship (and possibly to be further blossoming) she’d managed to accumulate with Oscar, she’d found out the Brit was basically doing a world tour over the winter holiday. Places such as Bali and Vietnam, then all the way over to Finland- or an adjacent. She’d be safe, the only two drivers who would be in the same continent as her would be the two actual Australian drivers- Liam in New Zealand if he counted in the f1 drivers realm.

So she took the few weeks she had off of work- which wasn’t ever really solid as it seemed her career was all over the place, she took those solid-off holiday weeks to venture out to familiarise herself better with Australia. Sydney- she knew well, Brisbane maybe even more so. Melbourne the most due to attending the grand prix there every year for the past 6 seasons. But in all her time spent in Australia, she’d never truly gotten around to exploring Western Australia.

So she did what any right minded person visiting Perth who had connections to F1 would do- she reached out to Daniel and asked for any recommendations for her holiday. But instead of simply giving her a list of places to eat, shops to visit, sights to see, he straight up invites her to spend a week at his farm.

Yep, Daniel Ricciardo, farm owner.

Obviously, she accepted the invitation due to lack of other plans and pure interest about what a f1 driver of over a decade could possibly need a farm for. So the next day, her legs awkwardly cramped up in between her suitcase and the back of the passenger seat in the taxi. Her fingers idly drummed against the window as sparse pellets of rain hit against it. The sun blared down through the glass despite the rain- clearly a perth summer was no joke when it came to heat.

The timing of the car finally slowing down just in front of Daniel’s farm/house/home situation perfectly aligned for when her phone died. Manoeuvring her feet out of the tight squeeze where her suitcase was crushing her legs was her first problem, actually picking it up to carry out of the car was a whole different one. Once again, luckily for her Daniel was standing at the door, his signature grin lighting up his face. 

After a tight hug and a quick exchange of the past few months they hadn’t seen each other for (the time post SIngapore), he picked up her suitcase with ease and lugged it inside. The inside of his house was nice, beautiful even. That was expected for a millionaire- but it wasn’t the typical too much money, not enough actual taste , it was classy and elegant, while maintaining a certain homely charm.

“This is beautiful, Dan,” She murmured, shaking her head back as she gathered her hair into a ponytail. He barked out a laugh as he kicked off his shoes, 2 scuff marks on the ground ruining the otherwise picturesque place. 

“Thank you,” He grinned, “I try my best- or more so Heidi does,” Ah, that made more sense. Not that Daniel didn’t seem capable of designing a nice place, but the fact that it was actually his girlfriend made a whole lot more sense. 

Nudging her shoes off and over to join next to his, she gently stretched out her limp to relieve the formed tension in her back, “Heidi does a fantastic job then,” Her eyes travelled around the living room, taking in each piece of wall art and decorative choice.

Daniel’s dirtied socks glided smoothly along the marble floors, “Can I get you a drink?” He hummed, one hand on the kitchen island to steady himself as the other opened the fridge door. He grabbed out a beer can for himself and so out of pure convenience and not wanting to seem ‘fussy’, she asked for the same.

The harsh, bitter taste of beer abused her throat, an unpleasant and unwelcome decision at only 3 in the afternoon. On the other hand, getting her first drink down then meant that as the night progressed further, and drinks got heavier- she’d be somewhat prepared from such a light percentage drink. 

The rest of the evening was spent outside on the balcony, sipping beer and discussing the end of the season- how it had felt to get back to racing for him since the last race she’d actually seen in person was in Singapore where he’d been replaced with Liam. 

They spoke briefly about Liam at that, Max too- mainly his dominance that season, partially about him as a person in general. They moved to speaking about Oscar’s rookie year, and then unsurprisingly, the topic landed onto Lando.

Finally, in the last hour before midnight, with her legs tucked up to her chest, she looked to her left where Daniel was in a rocking chair next to her. “I hooked up with Lando in Singapore,” She murmured, her index nail scraping along the condensation lined glass where only the last few drops of her whiskey-coke remained. “We hooked up and then I just left him there,” Daniel’s eyebrows shot up, his lips parting in shock.

“I knew that,” He eventually exhaled, his words completely different from his surprised reaction. “LN told me pretty much the day after it happened, and for the following weeks too,” Shit, that felt awful to hear. Part of her had wished that Lando had magically stopped caring the day after it had happened- she wanted it to be easy on him unlike how it was for her. It was her decision to have left, he shouldn’t have to continue to feel so deeply affected.

The wrinkles in the corners of her eyes deepened as she looked down, a comical laugh escaping her lips. “Why’d you react like that then?” Her lips feel cold as her throat remains hot from the intense burn of the vodka shots they’d stupidly taken a few hours prior. “You looked.. shocked,”

“I was,” He admitted, downing the last of his drink before resting it on the corner of his armrest, the corner of the glass hitting the wood with a clink. “ I am , I’m shocked you’re actually admitting you just abandoned the bloke after a night together. He thought you would never mention it again- never speak to him again,”

The edge of passive aggression in his voice is noticeable even to the most clueless people. It made her squirm in her seat, the palms of her hands get sweaty, and a bitter taste filled her mouth. Daniel wasn’t the type to ever get mad with anyone, or even be any bit confrontational, so the way he was speaking to her seemed so out of Ricciardo fashion.

“I know,” Her voice was barely a low hum, self disappointment pulsing through her body. “I’ve felt like shit ever since- if that means anything,” When her eyes lifted off the wood panel of the balcony fence and towards Daniel, he was looking far out towards the night sky. 

His gaze met hers though, his bottom lip grazing under his teeth. It was strange seeing him that serious. “Doesn’t really mean too much to me, I think Lando needs to hear that,” Yeah , apologising to Daniel wasn’t going to do much was it? Lando was the one she’d left.

“He actually cares?” Her voice came out more surprised and untrusting than she’d expected. The scrunch of his eyebrows and twist of his lips in confusion gets her to keep talking. “Yeah, like.. I guess I just assumed it would be just like any other hook up for him,” Her hand carded through her hair, pushing it off her forehead. 

“He cares more than anything,” Daniel murmured, a slight laugh attached to his voice. He wasn’t mad at her at all, fully understanding her scepticism about how real the younger driver’s feelings were. “I know he doesn’t seem as if he cares about each girl he gets with- but he cares about you,” Their eyes meet in a sort of sad and poetic way. 

Daniel knows better than anyone the way she feels toward Lando, how she’s felt towards the Brit for years. Up until that night in Singapore, she’d waited for the day she could look at her best friend and not feel the most excruciating twisting in her stomach and cracking of her heart because he was the one thing she wanted, and the one thing she couldn’t have.

“In Vegas when he crashed, he asked for you,” The Aussie's voice had lost its humour, any sense of fun from earlier in the night having fully faded away. “So many times. He was hysterical, couldn’t understand why you weren’t there to hold his hand,” 

Holy fucking shit. She wanted to cry, a tightening sensation formed in her throat, becoming painful to swallow. “I should’ve been there,” She bit down on the inside of her cheek, the sharp metallic taste of blood spilling onto her tongue. “I fucking should’ve reached out when I heard,” 

He squeezed her hand tightly, his thumb squishing her hand up to reach the tips of his index and middle. “You had no way to know, you weren’t expected to be there either. You have your own life, Lando needs to know that,” She can’t shake it from her head though. “You’re not in the wrong, you don’t owe him to be there whenever he needs comfort. I think he just needs to know you’re not angry at him,”

Angry? Why on earth would she be angry? Lando hadn’t done a single thing wrong to her, she did owe it to him to be there when he crashed, when he was scared and alone. “Yes I do,” Her eyebrows drew to a pinch, a look of frustration clouding over her vulnerable near crying expression.

“ You don’t”

I do, Daniel. You don’t get it. I left him, I left him there alone straight after-

“He told me he loved me,” 

That got a genuine look of shock from the Australian. “Shit. I didn’t know that,” His voice got breathy and harsh around the edges. 

“Yeah.”

“Do you love him back?”

“Yeah.”

His hand left hers, moving to rub over his face. “Jesus,” It was so quiet between them that the noise of the near midnight light breeze was louder than either of them. “Does he know that?”

The muscles in her neck tensed with a deep swallow of the spit gathering in her mouth. Gross. “No. I don’t think he knows I heard him either,” She’d never felt more shameful. Her mind had been so fuzzy with alcohol and lust that it had just been too much. “I didn’t think he was serious. I didn’t think he could seriously love me,”

God, she needed to shut up before she began bawling her eyes out to Daniel.

“Why not?” She didn’t quite know how to answer his question. There were probably a million and one things she could give as half arsed replies to why she didn’t believe she and Lando should be together. The distance, constant travelling, lack of affection and physical ties. But Daniel could see right through her, he could see her lies.

“I’m just nothing like the girls he’s been with before. I didn’t- I don’t understand why when he could have absolutely anyone in the world, he’d want me,” She corrected herself, feeling far more vulnerable then she’d ever allowed herself to be in front of anyone before.

They’re no longer looking at each other, both too focused at staring up at the stars above them. “You make him feel safe. You’re the only one he’s always felt like a real person around. He’s not a race car driver with you, he’s not famous with you, he doesn’t have to perform and impress you, to you- he’s Lando, he’s your best friend. And to him, you’re home,” 

It’s difficult to form a single thought after that. So after the conversation pulled to a complete close, they both agreed it was late and they needed their rest. With a suffocating hug and reassurances that she’ll be okay, they parted ways- Daniel into his own room and her into the spare bedroom. His snores seeped into her room, yet they weren’t what kept her from sleeping. 

Lando was. 

She swore she could hear him everywhere, even smell him. She wanted him laying down right next to her, his arms around her waist as she slept with her head on his chest. He was the only thing that could calm her down, make her mind shut up for a bit so she could just rest.

Her head had begun pounding and her mouth became infinitely dry from the excessive drinking, so with a struggle to stand up straight, she headed downstairs to the kitchen. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and her clammy hands gripped onto the handrails as she took each step one by one. 

Passing through the kitchen, she grabbed a glass out of a cabinet and poured a glass of cold water. She chugged it down eagerly, getting a refill before heading into the living room to sit on the couch and drink the rest. As the couch became visible to her poor sight, she saw a figure sitting at the end further away from her. A mop of curly hair was on top of the figure’s head- Daniel. 

Clearly he’d been unable to sleep like she had. Maybe he felt lonely too. Heidi was back in Portugal over the winter break, so he hadn’t seen her in a few weeks. He was probably in a similar boat as her right now.

She felt so empty after the past few weeks, and the hug she’d gotten from him only a few hours hadn’t quite been enough, so she set her glass down and stepped closer. The noise of her glass hitting the table grabbed the shadowed figure of Daniel’s attention, his head turning to face her. “Daniel,” She mumbled weakly, sprawling onto the couch next to where he was sitting and wrapped her arms loosely around him.

When he didn’t hug her back, she whined and dug her head into his chest. “Please Dan, I need a hug,” Her voice sounded so desperate as it hit her ears. “I just.. I want my brain to shut up for once, I- I’m just so tired,” 

“I’m not Daniel,” Her heart pounded in absolute panic. Her chest rose and dropped quickly as she attempted to think of all the possible explanations. This couldn’t be real, this couldn’t be an intruder. God, how had she been so stupid as to not switch on a light or anything before practically hurdling herself at this guy? If she died right now, it was all on her for being a thoughtless idiot. 

But in a moment of clarity where her mind considered who could possibly be at the house that wasn’t an intruder, she scanned through each person Daniel knew with curly hair and a British accent. Lewis? Didn't have curly hair. George? Also without curly hair. Ollie? Too young for Daniel to be friends with. 

Oh. 

“Lando?” A sharp exhale left her mouth as his name slipped out. She twisted her head to look up at him, his features only slightly visible in the near pitch black room. Sure enough, big green eyes and plump pink lips stood out to her. Her face crumpled, her heart thrumming in her chest. “ Lando”

He clearly had recognised her too, his lips parting as his expression softened. His eyes felt like a million knives jabbing into her, his intense stare mapping out her whole face. The smell of his cologne was harsh on her senses, yet was the most comfort she’d had in months.

“Why are you here?” Her tone sounded accusatory, which clearly wasn’t intentional. The comment landed poorly, his expression contorting strangely. Not helpful . 

“Spontaneous Australia trip,” He didn’t owe her an apology, but something was nagging at him to stay, to engage in the conversation. It was the most he’d seen of her in nearly 4 months. He couldn’t even begin to express how good it felt to hear her voice after so long. “Came to visit Dan, maybe Osc next. Dan always tells me if I’m ever in the country I can just come over.. so” He trailed off when she didn’t reply, and his mouth clamped back shut.

Just as it seemed he would get up and leave, his actions tense and rigid around her, his arms wrapped tightly around her. Quiet. Her mind finally went quiet. It was so peaceful for once. “I’m so sorry for everything,” Her voice was hardly a whisper, her mouth slightly muffled by the thick fabric of his hoodie. “I’m sorry for leaving, I’m sorry for not contacting you, I’m sorry for ignoring you when you tried to call,” Her breaths became more frantic, tears piling up in her eyes as she looked up at him.

“I’m sorry for- for hurting you, I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me,” Her mouth and lips were so painfully dry, her tongue darted out to wet her lips before forcing out the final apology. Just as she was about to, his mouth opened as if he was about to talk. “Don’t say it’s okay,” 

She knew him well enough to know exactly where he was going. He would apologise for absolutely everything that had ever happened to him, even if he wasn’t the one in the wrong. “Most of all,” Her throat tensed as he stared her down intensely. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you back.” 

His lips shaped into a huge smile after a few seconds of emotionless shock, as if the news was the most impossible thing he’d ever heard.

“And you shouldn’t forgive me,” She shook her head insistently. That was another thing hse knew about him, he was the most forgiving person ever. She could absolutely ruin his life a million times and with a single ‘ I’m sorry’ , they’d return back to being best friends. 

“But-”

“You can’t,” Not only did she not believe she deserved his love, she didn’t believe she deserved any sort of forgiveness from him, much less for him to still love her after all this. All she wanted was for him to not have any hurt from the whole ordeal anymore. 

Lando tilted his head, his bottom lip tucked under his adorably gapped teeth. “You don’t get to decide that for me,” His eyes seemed impossibly bright despite the darkness, “Cause I want to love you, and it seems as if you love me too,” His right hand cupped her cheek, his thumb rubbing over her chin.

That was correct, she still loved him more than anything. She could fight those feelings away, give him all the excuses under the sun as to why she wouldn’t be with him- but her heart and mind wanted different things. Logically, dating a formula one driver who’s whole life revolved around travel and constant adrenaline- her life that consisted of a lot of mundane jobs and chilling at home, they just clashed .

The illogical part of her, the part that was thinking with her heart, believed that nothing would be better than to attend races, watch from the grandstands, and kiss him after each race. She could comfort him if he had a bad race or quali, she could be there to celebrate with after a podium or even a win. 

Right now, and maybe always, what her heart wanted was significantly outweighing what she thought was good for her. “Yeah, I do love you,” It didn’t feel or sound weird like it had when she’d told Daniel about it the night before. It felt good, really good. Very right too, because in all of her years of friendship with Lando- ever since she’d realised her feelings for him- she hadn’t ever admitted to herself that she loved him. 

But of course she did, it was clear as day. If she ever heard of anyone ‘liking’ someone the way she ‘liked’ Lando, she’d know immediately it was love.

Her confession felt even better when she saw how his face managed to light up even further. 

There was more she could’ve apologised for, and she could easily keep going, but she was quickly shut up with two lips pressed up against her own. Lando tasted just as sweet as he always did, a tinge of mint presumably from gum earlier on. 

Her lips didn’t adjust into the kiss at first, until he began to pull back and her lips secured over his bottom one, keeping him there. It took a few moments to warm up to it, but her mouth starts moving in time with his. It’s so quiet in the living room that the only noise is the quiet hums and sighs they both let out. “I’m really sorry,” She murmured again

His hands moved to position her body to be straddling him, not necessarily to make the kiss sexual, but to make the angle more comfortable. “I forgive you,” His teeth tug on her bottom lip, drawing out the kiss for longer. He grinned against her lips, kissing her softer over and over. “And I love you,” He murmured again. “So- please- stop- apologising,” He kissed her in between each word, trying to push forward his point.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, “Okay,” Her cheeks felt hot to the touch, painted a darker shade of rosy red with each kiss. “Sorry,”

Lando groaned, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her in for more kisses. “For each time you apologise, I’m gonna shut you up with kisses,” He threatened, nudging her cheek with his nose.

“Sorry, but I’m gonna keep saying sorry then. Sorry, sorry, sorry” He kept his promise, kissing her after each and every apology. “Mmm, yeah. Sorry,” Her fingers slid into place in his mess of curls, tugging gently to keep him in place for each kiss. 

“Bad idea.” He clicked his tongue, tilting his head to avoid her kisses. “No kisses till you stop saying it,”

That worked. 

“Okay, I’ll stop. I promise,” She held out her pinky finger to further the promise. He kissed the tip of her finger and then held it tight. 

“Good,”

“Good,”

“ Good ,” His lips slotted back into place with hers, his hands resting on her hips as hers tangled further into his hair. “You’re so pretty,” He hummed, licking into her mouth with slow and calculated moves.

“Hmm, you’re prettier,” Her whole body felt hot, but so cosy on top of him. She hadn’t quite realised how tired she was until that very moment, her words slightly slurred and her eyes heavy. She rubbed at her eyes, blinking away exhaustion.

He shifted underneath her, tucking his hands under her thighs to help wrap her legs around his waist. “Arms around my neck,” He whispered, intentionally keeping his volume to a minimum so as to not wake her up more. 

Her body felt limp as she rested all her weight onto him. He lugged her upstairs, opening the door with one hand as his other arm remained around her waist. “Lannnn,” She whined as she pressed more kisses to his neck. 

“Yeah baby?” He murmured as he laid her down on the bed, her body heavy and weak as it hit the mattress. “What’s up?” Her arms dropped down to her sides as they unlinked from around his neck.

“Stay,” It wasn’t a suggestion or question, more an incredulously desperate request. “Please, want you to stay,” She tugged at the hem of his shirt, wrapping it around her fingers.

He gave her a knowing look before nudging her over in the bed, crawling under the sheets next to her. “You’re not going to walk out this time?” He raised his eyebrows, his teeth poking out over his bottom lip when he grinned.

“I’m gonna say it,”

“Don’t” His voice went serious.

“I’m gonna say it,”

“Do.. not.. say.. It,”

“..Sorry,”

Lando let out a long groan, hauling himself half on top of her to smother her with his arms. “You are such a pain in my ass,” 

“You love me,” She pecked him, fighting back sleep just so she could keep kissing him

“I do love you,” He caved and removed his arms, placing them on either side of her face to corner her and kiss all over her flushed face.

“I love you more,” 

“Not possible,” He tutted, “And you need to sleep- now,” He nuzzled into her neck, his nose bumping against her ear. 

“I just wanna stay up kissing,” She scrunched her nose up, her lip raising in disappointment. 

Lando’s laugh was breathy against her skin, his hand idly swiping across her stomach to maintain some sort of touch. “Tomorrow. We’ll spend all of tomorrow kissing- I promise,”

That was satisfactory enough. She stared up at the ceiling, a complete different scenario from when she’d done exactly this last time with Lando laying on her. This time, there wasn’t a single cloud of doubt in her mind. She knew how much he loved her, she felt right being so close to him, not worried for how things might change between them and if it would be awful the day after. She just needed to keep faith and keep communication.

As she felt her eyelids getting too heavy to keep hers open, she swiped her hand over Lando’s forehead to push his hair up and place a kiss there. He looked up at her slightly, and with a smile, “Oscar lives in Melbourne,” He looked confused, probably thinking that he was mishearing her from lack of rest. “Huh?” His voice all deep and scruffy from sleep. 

“The flight from Perth to Melbourne is over 3 hours- you can’t really just pop down the street to go visit Oscar,” Lando laughed weakly at that. He shrugged, wiggling up closer towards her so his chin was over her shoulder.

“He’ll come visit- he’ll be ecstatic to know that we’re on good terms again,” Her hand drifted up under his shirt, her thumbs pressing into the joints of his back.

“Oscar and ecstatic are two words that absolutely do not go together,” She mused, a complete disconnect from her mind and whatever her hand was doing. All she knew was that Lando was enjoying it based on the noises he was letting out.

“A half smile may dance across his mouth at the joyous information,” God , Lando had such a strange way with words. 

“You’re weird ,” 

“You love me,”

“I really do,”

[lilywoood]

You’ve got a mail 4/15

Hi guys I’m back, it’s been a long time and I missed y���all, things have been crazy on here so I had to step back, it came to a point where I truly hated writing, I was panicked and anxious every time I tried to get back at it, but it’s been take care of and I’m feeling better, I’m still anxious and trust me I’m super scared of posting that new part today, but I didn’t want to make you wait any longer so I hope you’ll like it and I’m sorry for being away for so long ♥️♥️

Tag list : @cherishingstydia @diazbuckleysworld @translucent-bisexual @impossiblealice @hardychick89 @felicitous-one @justsmilestuffhappens @comablog2 @gxtop @jb-ap-94 @chioink @peroquenotevean @tk-carlosforlifex @nighting-gale17 @fyeahhipsterdoctor @leslilupe @anthony-e-stark-3000 @haderofthesociety @iamonlyaliveformalex @wearelosersyoudumbfuck @serenabuckley @multi-fandom-writing @my-name-i-we

Word count : 1533

Song : Miss Americana & the Heartbreak prince - Taylor Swift

From TK: I don’t know how to be happy, it’s like when Alex left me, when he told me about the other guy, it felt as if he sucked all the good things, all the happiness out of me and now…now I feel like an empty shell, like there is a void that I have to fill…

From Buck: How do you fill it?

From TK: By ruining others people happiness, by breaking, hurting and deceiving them, by giving them reasons to give up on me…

From Buck: Well I’m not giving up and neither should you.

He’d remember his last conversation with Buck, remember how they talked for hours about happiness, about whether they deserved it, should chase it, or just hope for it...

He could feel the icy liquid running through his veins, could feel its poison penetrating every cells, every parts of his body, taking possession of his soul, of his being, he could feel each of his limits, each of his barriers giving way as it gained ground, spreading into his system, taking over his brain, his sense, his mind.

He didn’t try to fight it, didn’t try to snap, to take over, after all what was the point of fighting a battle bound to be lost.

Instead he passively watched how his body slowly started to disobey him, how his head was getting foggier by the minute, how strangers laughs faded in the background...

It took him less than five glasses to notice how he had miserably relapsed, spiraled, failed, it took three glasses for him to get more and more drunk, and four glasses to forget his name, his identity, his essence....

He didn’t really remember the why and how he ended up in such a shady place, he just remembered how he’d laughed shaking softly his head as he recalled that it was there that everything changed.

He couldn’t help but see the irony of the situation, of how the only way he could find comfort, relief and solace was in a shady, overcrowded downtown pub, the exact same he’d swore never to set foot again.

Yet here he was once again on a Thursday night four months later slumped over the bar, not caring one bit about the bikers and drunks laughing and slurring around him, too busy contemplating the bottom of his umpteenth whisky glass, admiring its amber color, anticipating its taste and the disastrous effect one swill of it would have.

His eyes were fixed on the golden liquid in his hand, his glass was almost empty but it didn’t fill the void in his heart no matter how many glasses he drank he couldn’t forget the devastated expression Carlos had when he stepped back, when he choose to let him go...

Memories started to cripple their way through his broken mind, his teary face, tossed hair, the feel of his hands gripping his shoulders tightly and the sound of his hoarded voice begging him to think about it...

-Can we talk about it, he’d pleaded grabbing his hand, please, he croaked.

-There’s nothing much to say, TK answered threading a hand through his hair, just give up already, he fidgeted.

-I have the right to know why TK, he demanded his voice quivering, you forced me out of this relationship, out of your life without giving me a real reason, he pursued fighting his tears, was I not enough.

-Truth is I tried loving you and I couldn’t, he lied turning away, I didn’t feel the same, he added squeezing his eyes shut, I’m sorry but there is nothing else to say, he articulated tears silently running down his cheeks.

His chest was aching, he felt his heart breaking even more, regret and remorse tearing it down, he needed the drinks, he needed to forget, needed to erase Carlos crestfallen expression from his mind, needed to forget how his touch lightened him in fire, how his kisses were like a breath of life, how the way he would scream his name was the most perfect melody he’d ever heard.

He needed to remind himself that he did the right things by letting him go, even if it hurt, even if it felt like some part of his soul had been torn away from him, he had to get over their relationship, however short it was, he had to erase Carlos from his skin, had to chase away the ghosts of his kisses, the memories of his caresses, of his touch, and quench the fiery burn of his love, of his devotion.

That was one of the main reason he found himself sharing filthy kisses in a shabby restroom with a total stranger on a Thursday night, any sane person knew how despair and alcohol weren’t a good mix, but TK wasn’t sane and the constant reminder of his recent break up, added to the far echo of Carlos’ voice in his head didn’t help either, and if accepting to be groped by a smelly drunk biker could make the memories go away so be it, if letting a closeted macho male have his way with him could temporarily erase Carlos from his mind, then to hell with it.

He would let any stranger, any blurry faces kiss him, touch him, caress him, screw him if it could for a brief moment, a mere second delete the one he truly wanted, the one he truly needed, and as he felt the burn of the biker beard against his skin, as he smelled his beer imbibed breath he found himself closing his eyes, clenching his fist in a pathetic attempt to keep himself from comparing them both, from letting his brain trick him into remembering how he was repulsed by the fact that someone else was touching him, how someone else was grunting in his ears, how someone else was ordering him to beg for his release, how someone else’s name was slipping from his lips.

He felt dirty, empty, ashamed even, he never thought in all his 26 years that he’ll one day feel this way, felt as if his core was rotten, corrupted, tainted, ruined beyond repair, he never felt that way, never felt so insignificant, so irredeemable, not even when he was hooked on the pills, it was as if the remaining of his soul, the last piece Alex left, had been destroyed, he was an empty shell, a living carcass, the world wasn’t gray anymore, alcohol and sex didn’t make it technicolor, the combination only darkened everything , it was all black and he needed some light, he needed to feel clean again…

From TK: Did you meant it when you said you won’t give up, please tell me you meant it…

From Buck: Of course I meant it, I’ll be there.

From TK: I…I had a slip up, I drank today for the first time in three months, and I never…I feel like such a failure, a disappointment, I feel so empty.

From Buck: You’re human TK, and with all the crap that happened I would have been surprised if you didn’t… what made you slip up thought?

From TK: I made Him cry, I ruined the only good thing that happened to me.

From Buck: You broke up with Carlos

From TK: Yes but trust me it’s better that way.

From Buck: For who you or him, didn’t you told me he was a good guy, that he understood and knew where you came from.

From TK: of course he’s a good guy, he’s everything Alex has ever been, it’s just…I guess I was afraid.

From Buck: Afraid of what, that he would love you?

From TK: No…I was afraid that one day he would wake up and realize that he could do so much better than me, that I’m a screw up, that I’m too much too handle, Alex left me and I nearly died because of it; I guess that letting Carlos go was the less hurtful option.

From Buck: I see where you’re coming from, but it wasn’t your decision to make, Carlos is a big guy, he knows what’s good for him, and he decided you were it, by leaving him without giving him a proper reason… TK by leaving him like this you became Carlos’ Alex…

He sighed glancing at his phone, he knew Buck’s was right, he knew deep down that he tried to take his revenge on Alex by hurting someone else, but Carlos, sweet and caring Carlos wasn’t responsible of the downfall of his relationship, he’d hurt him on purpose hopping that it would’ve reestablished the world natural balance when instead it hurt and destroyed them both, and as his glanced at his disheveled reflection he couldn’t help but wish, foolishly pray the godly force up there to grant him one more chance, one more try.

From TK: Man, sometime I really want you to be physically there, you’re the only one who get me.

From Buck: Seems like your wish has been granted this time…

[zoefandom127]

Hands Up With Me Pt. 3

part 3!!! show some love to this on AO3 and Fanfiction.net

"Can you please look again?"

 "I'm sorry Miss but we've looked everywhere."

 They'd been at the airport for at least an hour, waiting at baggage claim. Most everyone has gathered their belongings and left but Julie couldn't leave until…

 "But I swear I brought it with me on the plane," Julie murmured more to herself. In reality, it shouldn't have been that serious. She was 20 years old for goodness sake. But she'd had it since forever. The old fabric and loose stitching forever etched into her mind. It's one of the only living relics her mom had given her before she passed. The thought of it being gone isn't something she could fathom.

 "Miss, we haven't seen a stuffed animal in any of our ports. If we hear anything, we'll let you know." With that, the baggage handler walked away leaving Julie in a mess.

 Honestly, it's just a bear. An old, worn out bear that had been in her life for a long time. She never went anywhere without, always bringing with her on tours and keeping it backstage as a good luck charm before performances. Sometimes it would almost be as if her mom was there with her.

 She knew mentally that her mom would always be with her no matter what. Somewhere in her mind or heart or whatever. But emotionally, that bear was the only other thing that made her feel close to her mom besides music. Mr. Harmelody (when she was younger she stumbled over her words and accidentally combined harmony and melody, somehow the name stuck) was there all the time. And she doesn't know why but she needs it with her.

 "Come on, Julie, it's getting late." Luke laid a hand on her shoulder, pulling her out of her reverie.

 "But…" Julie looked towards the boys and they were almost falling asleep on their feet. It had been a long flight and they still needed to wake up early the next morning for their interview with Carrie. Glancing at her phone, she winced when she saw it was a quarter ‘til one am. "Yeah, okay. Sorry for making you guys wait so long."

 Reggie, who had been leaning on a concrete column, slowly waking at the sound of Julie's voice being directed at him, Alex, and Luke. "No worries, Jules." He gave a tired smile and kicked Alex, jolting him awake.

 "Are we at the hotel yet?" Alex yawned.

 "No, but the cab's outside." Luke grabbed his suitcase and started towards the exit with the boys dragging their feet behind. Julie was lagging behind the three of them sleepily as she tried to rub away the stinging behind her eyes. It's not that serious. Everything will be alright.

...

Everything was not alright.

 Luke had been sitting with Julie for hours trying to come up with lyrics but the girl was dead on her feet. Ever since she lost Mr. Harmelody (he could imagine 3-year-old Julie saying that name in all her adorable cuteness) she'd been so reserved. Her answers would be 3 words or less. And she looked so distracted lately, always looking at her phone anxiously. Like she was waiting for it to ring and tell her the best news ever.

 He knew the significance of the bear, how much it connected it to her mom. But he didn't think the loss of it would affect her this much. She was barely functioning what with all the singing and touring and late nights but she did it all with a smile on her face. Now she had a blank stare and barely said a word to anyone.

 Yeah, he needed to fix this.

 Once Julie left, Luke pulled out his phone and went straight to his text messages, clicking on the group chat with the boys.

 Luke: guys we gotta help julie

 Alexander: Yeah…

 Reginald: Help her with what?

 Alexander: Haven't you noticed that she's been kinda…

 Luke: d e p r e s s e d

 Alexander: ^^^

 Reginald: Oh i thought she was just thinking. I mean thats what i look like when i think too hard.

 Alexander: Nah you look more constipated

 Luke: ANYWAY

 Luke: we need to find Mr. Harmelody

 Luke: any, ideas?

 Reginald: Oooooo maybe we could bribe them

 Alexander: With what? Your stupidity?

 Reginald: *gasp* I take that very offensive

 Alexander: You should

 Alexander: Calling the airport would probably be the best option

 Alexander: Though I think if they found it they would've called

 Luke: right but maybe we just have to be more insistent

 Alexander: Oh wow Luke, broadening your vocabulary lately?

 Luke: haha

 Luke: instead of calling we could like go in there and demand the bear

 Luke: that could work right?

 Alexander: Not if we want to be carried away by airport security

 Reginald: Ngl thatd be kinda fun

 Luke: idk guys but we have to find it. Julie is not okay

 Reginald: Awww yeah for Jules we gotta find Mr. Harmelody

 Reginald: ...I still think bribing them could work

 Alexander: Wait maybe we could bribe them with a concert.

 Alexander: If they search, we play

 Luke: yeah that could work!

 Luke: i'll call flynn so she can set it up. that girl is more intimidating than our actual manager

 All the details would be figured out now but for now…

 "We're coming for you, Mr. Harmelody."

...

Julie was bummed.

 Well to be honest, she was bummed all the time now. It had been a little over a week since Mr. Harmelody has been gone. The fact that she was this upset over a stuffed animal made her feel like a child again. She was reminded of the time she lost Mr. Harmelody when she was 9 years old. Her mom had taken her and Carlos to the town fair and her mom warned her not to bring Mr. Harmelody but at the time she was at the age where her attachment to her belongings was fierce. Julie didn't have a good grip on her bear for the dropdown ride and Mr. Harmelody went flying from her hands and through the air.

 As soon as her legs were on solid ground she went running in the general direction of where the bear flew, leaving her mom and Carlos to follow behind her as tears trailed down her face. After an hour of crying and searching, Rose found Mr. Harmelody lodged underneath a vendor cart for funnel cake.

 Maybe she had been a little dramatic back then, especially when she cried "my life is ruined" in her mother's embrace. But all the memories and love engraved in that bear seemed to be lost without it with her.

 Just as they seemed lost right now.

 Walking through the hallway of her apartment building, Julie heard voices from behind her door.

 "Shhh."

 Furrowing her eyebrows, she placed her ear against the door gently so as not to alert the people inside the apartment of her presence.

 "Okay, I'm gonna set up the camera."

 "Reg, we don't need to record this."

 "Are you kidding? The fans will eat this up. A touching JATP moment, if you will."

 "I will not."

 Hearing enough, Julie unlocked the door and wandered in.

 "Julie!" Luke yelled, surprised.

 There Alex, Luke, and Reggie stood looking as suspicious as ever.

 Hesitantly, Julie continued her trek inside. "Hey…" She spoke wearily.

 "Did we figure out how we're gonna present it to her?" Alex asked after a brief moment of silence as Julie stared at them skeptically with her arms crossed.

 "Uh no. Not really." Reggie responded, still looking at Julie with a smile on his face.

 "What's going on?"

 The boys looked at each other as if making a small agreement as they nodded their heads slightly. Luke had both his hands behind his back, clearly holding something. He stepped up to her and proceeded to show her Mr. Harmelody in all of his stuffed glory.

 Everything was the exact same. The same worn clothes and stitches that were begging to be replaced, albeit a little dirtier than before. Julie reached a hand to touch the fluffiness of the soft bear, tears pricking the corners of her eyes.

 "How did you…"

 "Let's just say we're gonna be performing a private concert at the airport on Thursday." Luke smiled, proudly at her.

 Julie barely even heard him. She quickly gathered the bear from Luke's hands and clutched tightly to her chest, closing her eyes at the familiar yet nonexistent embrace of Mr. Harmelody. She bent her legs until her knees were fully folded against her chest, pushing the bear closer against her as her arms tightened around it.

 Tears streamed down her face freely and she almost didn't register the feeling of her boys kneeling around her. The proximity brought even more comfort.

 "Thank you." Julie croaked out, her eyes still shut firmly.

 "Anytime, Jules." Alex rubbed her back as she cried softly.

 Once her cries ceased, Julie looked up with puffy eyes at each of the boys who surrounded her. "Mr. Harmelody says thank you too." She grinned brightly.

 "Aw," Reggie spoke as he placed his arms around all three of them. "I can't wait to put this on Instagram."

...

The next day Julie got an Instagram notification that she was tagged in a post from Reggie. The caption read:

 "JATP moments like this>>>"

 Julie smiled down at her phone when she saw a picture of the four of them kneeled on the carpet floor of her apartment gathered in a warm hug. Obviously, he chose not to post the full video, wanting to keep some parts of their lives separate from their fanbase.

 After taking a look through the comments, she finally decided to comment one of her own.

 “Mr. Harmelody is back in commission!"

 lukepatterson replied to your comment: "damn right!"

 alexmercer replied to your comment: "The unofficial member of Julie and the Phantoms"

 Julie grinned happily as she laid her phone on her coffee table. Mr. Harmelody may have been her source of comfort then but now? She had her boys.

hope yall enjoyed!

[hes-writer]

One Of My Own (3)

Summary: Harry falls out of love

Warnings: angst, fluff

Word Count: 6.5k

Before you read: so the whole pt3 won’t fit in this one post. i’ll be posting the other part tmr, but for now, please enjoy this [badly] written piece. i think i just got too in my head with trying to keep up to standards so i don’t think its the best writing i’ve done.  ENJOY! (ps this is unedited)

It had been an excruciatingly agonizing past few months for Y/N. All of her assumptions had been proven true, and nothing hurts more than hoping and praying for days that what you presumed isn’t true, but life sometimes likes to take you by surprise hitting you square in the face. It obviously took a toll on her; not only emotionally, but also mentally and physically.

Her mind was an on-going cycle of paranoia and she couldn’t stop her heart from beating so hard every time someone she knew made a promise to her. Maybe Y/N had trust issues—it was a probable outcome—and it made her a little more hesitant when meeting new people, made her brain hurt from ruminating if what they intended with her was what they really showed.

Physiologically, it was as if her heartstrings had been stretched, pulled to their extent and it had broken—she felt like she could really die from a broken heart. A vast hole in her chest sucked in gallons of energy from her; she was tired. Y/N was exhausted of being used and abused over and over again–she couldn’t handle another blow, especially after Harry made the ultimate heartbreaking move by switching her for Daniella. There was a void in her that couldn’t be filled by anything, regardless of how much she tried. It seemed that only Harry and his love had the power to do that. Y/N knew that she shouldn’t even *consider giving Harry another chance with her, but she was extremely desperate to be fixed: to be normal again and most importantly, to not feel alone.

It was pathetic, really. Some people wouldn’t consider giving their ex a second chance, but here was Y/N daydreaming about what they could be doing now instead of hating his guts. She dozes off in the distance more frequently, chin in her hand while she stared at the empty space in front of her during lecture. In her mind, there was a screen that played happy times of her and Harry. Both of their faces glowing from the wide grins set on their faces. Her eyes were glowing and she could imagine that Harry’s green ones were filled with adoration meant for her and her only. It was a torturous move to let herself envision the good moments when in reality, Y/N looked and felt like the complete opposite of what she wanted to be.

Y/N was isolated from the world. It was a gradual process; she didn’t even notice how detached she became until her phone lit up in messages from her friends asking her if she could ‘hang out’ or some concerned emails about her health and well-being. That was the moment when Y/N discerned that she wasn’t the same person that she used to be with Harry. She could feel her whole being slipping into the abyss she once stood in before meeting him, and she didn’t know what to do. Would it be fair for her to live a fake, plastic life pretending to be happy with Harry when all she wanted to do was to yell at him and punch his chest to somehow project the pain she was feeling physically? Or would she rather live a life quarantined from the world even when she was surrounded by people who cared for her? (Did they really?)

As stereotypical as it sounded, it was as if everyone but Y/N was living life to the fullest. Even though some were breaking at the seems, they still held it together and plastered a fake smile whereas Y/N could feel her brows start to crease when a person began to tap her shoulder. Conversations were disappearing from her domain, and with that came interaction with people. Like she said, Y/N wasn’t the same because of him.

The version of herself that she personified when Harry brought out the ‘best’ in her had vanished into the wild; lost and hard to find. That person will never come back because things can never be the same no matter how much she wished for it—no matter how hard he prayed for it if he did. Sometimes Y/N wondered if Harry had changed–obviously, he did, otherwise, they would still be together right now– if he still slept on the right side of the bed. If he still pushed away his Brussel sprouts–surprisingly– because he was known as a health nut. Y/N questioned if he acted the same with Daniela.

It hurt to think about it, honestly. Although Y/N could reminisce the sweet moments, it soon becomes overshadowed by the image of Harry and her sister. She wondered if he held Daniela tightly to his chest at night because he was having a nightmare. He woke up in a sweat a handful of times, sitting up on the bed with his shirt drenched in sweat. His eyes were wild but glossy with incoming tears and he would look at Y/N staring at him with the utmost worry in her eyes. He would hug her, then, cradle her tight in his strong arms and whispered how much he was afraid to lose her. She wondered if it was the same with Daniela.

—–

It had been six months. Ironically, Y/N and Harry were together for six months, and in the exact same time, they broke up six months ago. They would’ve been celebrating their one year anniversary. Upon seeing the date that day, Y/N couldn’t help but let it affect her– as much as it shouldn’t have— because it reminded her of a ‘what if’. What if she nipped the growing distance between them right at the bud? What if she became more courageous and let herself run the thoughts running through her head? What would’ve happened if she sat the both of them down and confronted them about how she felt? Things surely would’ve been different and Y/N sometimes wished for a second chance at it.

Six months had passed since Y/N’s parents had seen their daughter. Their divorce had been finalized and they were officially separated. It was a mutual decision; their feelings weren’t the same and they were aware of it. It was best to split before things could escalate and they’d only hurt each other. They remained friends, however, because they had a family after all and they still needed to keep communication with each other regarding their children. Y/N’s parents reminded her of her and Harry’s relationship; they walked away before it got worse, except it wasn’t mutual and it definitely got worse way before they split. And it was only Harry who tainted the relationship with infidelity–emotional cheating was what they called it.

Parental concern was heavy in the household and Marga (Y/N’s mom) had contacted Robert (Y/N’s dad) because she was worried about their daughter. It had been a while since she reached out to them. There was no news heard from her and any parent would freak just by the thought of it. Marga contacted her daughter when Y/N was out of class; she had Y/N’s schedule, but she never answered. It rang sometimes, but recently it was always directed to voicemail, almost as if she didn’t want anybody reaching her. Robert, on the other hand, had suspicions as to why Y/N was acting this way. He wasn’t certain, but his hunch had been so strong that he couldn’t let but let Daniela and Harry’s name slip up

***

“Do you remember that boy, Harry?” Robert asked, sitting at the other end of the dining table from his ex-wife.

“Dani’s boyfriend?” Robert couldn’t help but shake his head.

“No, he came with Y/N for Christmas remember?”

“Do you think he’s got something to do with it?” Marga gasped out, hands flying to cover her opened mouth. She was already thinking the worst of Harry despite knowing him fairly well as Daniela’s boyfriend.

On the other side of the wall, Carlos sharpened his hearing to catch all the words his parents were saying. He was the only person whom Y/N kept in contact with the family. She had explained to what had happened in a phone call one night. Carlos answered the house phone when it rang urgently when he got home from school and heard his sisters’ broken voice through the speaker. He was alarmed– as any sibling would be– Y/N sounded absolutely distraught and she couldn’t stop the sobs sputtering out of her mouth, just like the words of the events flowed out as well.

Carlos felt anger and confusion. He knew that his other sister (Daniela) was sinister in a sense. She got what she wanted because she shoved everyone out of the way. She did it to him and she did it the most with Y/N. Carlos was the one that held her older sister in her arms when Daniela emerged victorious *again from capturing something that was Y/N’s first. He really shouldn’t be surprised by the news that Harry had gone for Dani.

Y/N and Carlos were probably the closest duo in their family of five and he had listened to Y/N gush about Harry multiple times. They texted each other like they were the best of friends and he sent a puking emoticon every time Y/N swooned over something Harry did; all joking of course. Carlos felt like he knows Harry, even though they haven’t met– the first being Christmas holidays when his favorite sister spent most of her time wallowing in her childhood bedroom. He knew that Harry was good to Y/N because she said so and he honestly hadn’t seen Y/N have as much fun as she did when she was with him. But seeing the way he acted with Dani during the holidays– he should’ve known that Dani was capable of hurting Y/N to the point where it was horrifying.

Carlos thought that it was impossible to hate somebody, much less your own flesh and blood but he was pretty close to detesting Daniela because of her actions. She was–in his own words– an evil step-sister that cared for nobody else but herself. In summary, hearing his parents formulate a theory about Y/N’s disappearance was hard because all he wanted to do was burst out of his hiding spot and yell out the reason why she was being like this.

It’s your other daughter’s fault, Carlos thought and he wasn’t one bit ashamed to reveal that he doesn’t consider Dani a sister anymore. And he knows that once their parents find out, they would put her through hell before accepting Dani again. They were fair models and they reprimanded Daniela back when she was in high school; it would be a repeat.

——

To say that Y/N was disconnected was an understatement. She was so cut off from everybody that she didn’t even know that Daniela had started studying in the same university as her. And God, did it take her by surprise when she saw her sisters’ head of hair, leaning against a guy while she bent over laughing. The flirtatious look in her eyes was strong enough that Y/N could see it from where he hid behind a pole.

What is she doing here? Y/N thought. Dani should’ve been out of the country by now, continuing her travels. But apparently not because she was standing right there and oh.

Harry walked up the stone path towards Dani, books in hand while he greeted her with a smile. He should’ve finished his History lecture by now. Before, Y/N would wait for him under the big oak tree beside the History building and they would lean their backs against it while they relaxed. Now, Y/N watched as Daniela stood under said tree while Harry pulled out a blanket from his bag to lay on the ground for them to sit on.

———-

It wasn’t always like this. Harry and Daniela were seated under the oak tree beside the History building and Y/N remembered how they would lean their backs against it while they relaxed. Now, Y/N watched as Daniela stood under said tree while Harry pulled out a blanket reminded that this was Y/N’s tree. This was the spot where she frequented in and where he found himself wandering too in hopes to see the beautiful girl again. And that woman became his girlfriend weeks later.

Harry shook his head in distress when he found himself reaching far back in his memories to play Y/N’s smiling face at him. Also, Daniela’s voice was steadily raising against his ear because apparently she’d been talking to him for a few minutes now and he hadn’t responded in a timely manner.

That was one of the things that rubbed Harry the wrong way. No matter what, Dani always found a way to start a shouting match between the two of them. He didn’t know if she thrived off of their fights (because they make up in the best ways) or if she just genuinely enjoyed pissing Harry off. Harry was a bit tired of its redundancy–the fights. It was all so unnecessary and sought after the tiniest things and he couldn’t handle it. He’d taken it upon himself to subtract himself from the room because his anger was about to reach a new level over Dani yelling at him for not telling her that she had a mustard stain on the side of her lip. He honestly didn’t even see the stain, but she had reprimanded him for ‘wanting to embarrass [her] in front of everybody.’

He knew that he shouldn’t but he can’t help but compare Dani to Y/N; a reminder of what he did before he decided to leave the latter. Comparing them was sort of like second nature to him. They were sisters, it was kind of hard not to pick on Dani’s exceptional talents where Y/N’s lacked, and how Y/N was much kinder than Dani. Y/N wouldn’t have shouted at him and probably would’ve laughed it off with him.

There he goes again, thinking about his ex like she was the best thing that ever happened to him–maybe she was though and he just didn’t see it yet. But he was bending backward and forwards weighing out the pros and cons of each relationship as if he still had a chance with Y/N. He was such a fool to let her down like that.

There was no verbal evidence that they broke up, but they both knew they did. The kiss they shared was the last one they’ll ever have with each other. With that single touch of their lips, an over-pouring load of emotions was drained from the thickest parts of their veins and coursed through each others’ in exchange to remember each other by. He was such a fool to hurt somebody the way that he did to Y/N and Harry was slowly coming to the realization that Y/N was the better Y/L/N.

———–

“Do you feel guilty sometimes?” Harry questioned in a ghostly voice. His eyes piercing a hole in the television screen while his mind became fuzzy.

Daniela looked up to his face from her position on Harry’s chest.

“Guilty? About what?”

“About us,”

“Why would I be guilty about us?” She asked, sitting up on the couch to look at him clearly. The brown blanket falls on the floor.

Harry gulped seeing his girlfriend’s stern eyes staring at him.

“I-it’s just,” He began, “What we did to Y/N was pretty shitty,”

Dani pursed her lips in acknowledgment.  “Don’t you think?”

“I don’t know, Harry. She’s probably used to it,” Dani answered, wanting the conversation to end right then and there.

“But don’t you think we should check in on her or something?” Harry tried to explain. “It’s been a while and I think it’s time we all talk,”

“What are you saying? You want to see her? Or maybe you want to get back together with her?” Dani continuously raised her voice at him. She was throwing accusations and jumping into conclusions with a far reach. “You’re going to leave me for her, aren’t you?

Harry gasped at her last statement, immediately shaking his head ‘no’ that made him dizzy. His hands shoot up from their resting position on his lap to grasp Dani’s flailing arms, trying to calm her down.

“No, of course not. I just thought it would be nice and all,”

“I can’t believe this,” Dani stands up, slightly pacing against the rug of her living room.

Harry copied her actions, his full height causing her to be intimidated, but she didn’t show it.

“What?”

And for a moment, Daniela almost spilled everything she worked hard for. “After everything, you still want to be with her?”

“I didn’t say that,” He was getting frustrated by the way she was acting and he couldn’t put his finger on it. “I told you, I feel guilty,”

“Guilty? You’re feeling guilty for Y/N?” She exasperated. “For that bitch?”

He furrowed his brows from the language. He didn’t expect Dani to use it, nor did he have a clue as to why she would describe Y/N as such.

“Why would you call her that?”

Fear flashed in Dani’s eyes and she had to come up with something believable before he found out the truth.

“Y/N, … she was very mean to me when we were younger,” Dani sat down on the couch. Harry urged her on to continue, assuming that this was a hard thing for Dani to talk about but really she was just stalling to get her story straight. “She got everything she wanted,”

“I really don’t see why you woul–”

“No! She got everything. She stole my friends, my boyfriends. She got everybody’s attention and I know she had you first but you chose me in the end,” Dani cuts him off. “Y/N’s not even here but she’s taking you away from me,”

Harry was confused. He could never imagine Y/N being as cruel as Dani had described her to be. After their lengthy relationship, all he saw of her was a genuine lady that couldn’t even hurt a fly. I guess I really didn’t know her, Harry thought.

“She really did that?”

Dani nodded, wiping away a fake stray tear. “I don’t know what I did to her and I asked her to stop but she still did it,”

“I don’t want to lose you too, Har” He pressed a kiss on the top of her head, leaning in for a hug that she voluntarily engulfed herself in. “I love you,”

“I love you too.”

It was a white lie from Daniela. She didn’t want to lose Harry, but it wasn’t because she loved him. Hell, no. After everything lengths and measure she went through just to take him away from Y/N, you would think that it was the action of someone in love. Not Dani, her actions had a completely different meaning and that was to hurt Y/N as much as she can.

Being older meant that Dani always got shit blamed for things she didn’t do and she’s had enough of it. When she came home from school with a ‘C-’ printed test paper in hand, her head was hung in shame. Her parents scolded her like no tomorrow and she could still hear their voices echoing in the back of her head. Then, not minutes later did Y/N enter the room with the same mark printed on her paper and she got nothing but praised for how much she ���did her best’ and that they were proud of her.

Daniela was enraged, to say the least. Everything she did wrong, Y/N got a free pass if she did the same thing and it wasn’t fair. Y/N had the nerve to not see what was going on and that made Dani really angry. So, she studied twice as hard to get better marks but she didn’t improve the way she’d like. Dani was getting impatient because Y/N was acquiring A’s left and right, and Dani didn’t know how many celebration dinners she could handle of her parents telling her to ‘be more like Y/N’.

Her last result was to cheat; she got better marks then. At first, she felt guilty, but there was something exhilarating in getting caught but she thought that *that feeling wouldn’t compare to when she sees her parents’ face when she hands them the paper. Except, they barely gave her a second glance, as if they didn’t care. It was heartbreaking for Dani. Especially when on that day, her parents proposed to eat dinner at a restaurant and she thought that it was a surprise celebration for her, but it turned out to be Y/N’s night. Again.

Maybe it was immature for her to act the way she did, but nothing could ever erase the hurt she felt. In Dani’s mind, Y/N deserved everything that she did to her. Stealing her boyfriends? Sure, it probably hurt, but it wasn’t the same as seeing their own parents’ eyes look at Y/N as if she was some saint when she corrected her mistakes when Y/N did the exact same thing.

———

Y/N was a ghost, not only in a sense that she didn’t really speak to anyone but also as if everybody could see right through her. She guessed that her face permanently withheld a somber expression because people would give her sympathetic looks when she walked down the large hallway. One professor even pulled her aside to speak to her about her dropping grades, asking if there was anything going on at home that could’ve triggered this change.

Everybody was treating her like she was fragile and she was absolutely sick of it. It was a reach, but it reminded her of the way Harry treated her when they were still together. He was the most gentle person towards her and her melted every time his voice caressed her ears.

“Hello, want to be partners?” A questioned interrupted Y/N from her thoughts.

“Uh, for what?”

The boy looked at her curiously as if he was trying to see if she was being serious or not. “Because the prof said to find a partner and I noticed that you didn’t have one so,”

Y/N blinked at him when he trailed off, heading leaning to behind his body to see that, indeed, the monitor read, “Find a partner”

“Oh, sure” She replied, ducking down to pull out a notebook which she should’ve taken out ages ago. Y/N could still see the boy’s legs, unmoving in front of her. “You can sit, you know.”

“Of course, I’m Niall by the way,”  He introduced himself and Y/N detects a hint of an accent.

“Y/N,” It was a simple response, and maybe she was a bit rude but she really couldn’t be bothered to acquaint with somebody new.

Niall was observant beside her. From her peripherals, he could see him intently listening to the instructions being given and she really should be doing the same but Y/N can’t help but observe his features. A twinge occurred inside her chest and she was briefly reminded of when her eyes looked at Harry’s face while he was still asleep. Y/N shook her head and faced the front completely.

“So what topic do you want to do?”

“Maybe defense mechanisms? That sounds interesting.”

“Sure!” Niall exclaimed, scribbling the topic down on his own notebook. The scrawls of pen on paper echoing against Y/N’s ears.

The professor dismissed the class before another word could be spoken between the two of them. Y/N gathers all of her belongings as quickly as she could, wanting to flop on her bed instead of being surrounded by people.

She just made it out of the door and into the hallway when she heard Niall yell her name. From the distance, Harry whipped his head towards the noise and his eyes search for Y/N.

“Y/N, Y/N, wait!” Niall was hopping on his toes, trying to catch up to her but she already paused her movements. She slightly smiled at his actions, having not done so in a long time.

Harry watched from meters away, seeing Y/N and Niall talk to each other. A pain in his chest knocked his breath out when he saw Y/N handing her phone to Niall.

“Hey! Gosh you’re quick,” Niall panted in front of her. “Can I get your number? Need ‘ta know when to work on this assignment,”

Y/N nodded but not before assessing him suspiciously; that was exactly what Harry said to her when he asked for her number.  She had to reprimand herself for thinking about him again, handing her phone to Niall.

She watched as his thumbs tapped against the letters on the keyboard.

“Wait, take a picture of me for my photo,” Niall hands her back her phone, starting to pose while Y/N comprehends the situation. “It’s hard to remember me, got one of those faces,”

Y/N chuckled lightly at his joke, but she could also detect a serious undertone. The screen captures Niall’s smiling face and she shows it to him for approval.

“Nice, your turn,” Y/N slapped a smile on her face, and she felt like it was a genuine one at that.

“I’ll see you around, Ni”

“Ni? We’re on a nickname basis now, eh?” He said, nudging her side with his shoulder. Y/N giggles before bidding a final goodbye.

Both men watch Y/N walk away. Niall’s eyes linger on her for a few more seconds, feeling the energy around him deteriorate with Y/N’s presence. He’s been noticing her a lot more often these days; he could see that she was broken inside and even letting out a smile probably felt like carrying a ball and chain on her back. And Niall didn’t want to be some sort of hero that changed her, he was just wanted to see her smile once in a while.

On the other hand, Harry watched his former love exit the building doors. Maybe it was the distance between them, but Y/N looked a lot smaller than he remembered; as if she lost an abundance weight. His brain was trying to figure out if that was really Y/N because it didn’t look like Y/N that he didn’t notice Niall approaching him.

“Hey Harry, what are you doing here?” Niall greeted him with a hug. “You don’t have class in this area,”

“Just waiting for Dani,” Harry explained.

“Ahh thought you got lost again, Styles,”

“Who were you talking to earlier?” Harry asked even though he knew that it was Y/N. He just needed a confirmation.

“That was Y/N, pretty girl, right?” To which Harry was left befuddled. “Say, weren’t you dating a Y/N a while back?”

Harry and Y/N’s relationship was pretty lowkey.

“Yeah, actually” Niall proceeded to ask him what happened between them. “Turn out she wasn’t who I thought she was,”

“What do you mean?”

“She just did some pretty shitty stuff to her sister,”

“The heck? That’s fucked up man, glad you broke it off,”

Harry almost agreed.

—–

Y/N got off the train, her footsteps thudding against the wooden platform. Her bags were beside her and she was reminded of the last time she stepped foot in this place. She swiftly hailed a cab to shield herself from the cold.

Her parents’ house comes into view through the cab window. There was a car in the driveway and she assumed that it was her dad’s since he was living nearby. Her footsteps were slow, reminiscing every moment that played out in front porch; how Harry kissed her with passion before entering the house to entertain Daniela.

Y/N rang the doorbell, hearing thuds from inside the house with the excited yelling of ‘I’ll get it’ from Carlos, probably.

The door swung open before Carlos came into view.

“Y/N! I missed you,” He said, engulfing her into a hug that made her drop her bags on the floor. The comforting feel of her brother’s arms made her feel loved, and the scent of her mom’s cooking wafted to her nose.

When Y/N opened her eyes, she could see her parents approaching them, but not before ushering them inside to prevent frigid air from entering the house. Hugs and exchanges fluttered in the atmosphere, catching up to what each party missed.

“Let’s get you settled in before Harry and Dani come,” Her mom said, picking up one of her bags. That statement made Y/N freeze on the ‘welcome’ mat by the front door.

“Harry’s coming?” She questioned, slowly turning around to face her family as if she was a deer in front of the headlights.

Her parents shared a look before nodding.

“Why’s he coming?” Carlos sneered from beside Y/N, his eyes turning into slits at the thought of *Harry.

“What’s wrong with that? He’s your sister’s boyfriend,” Their mom answered back.

“N-nothing’s wrong! Just surprised is all,” Y/N answered making her way to the stairs.

————-

The second doorbell of the day had rung and being closest to the front door, Y/N was given the task to open it. She was dressed in matching pajamas and she wondered what Harry would think of her outfit. From the kitchen, she could hear her mother ask who was at the door.

Y/N grasped the doorknob tightly, preparing to boast the fakest smile in the world. “Hey guys,” She said, but she faltered when her eyes caught sight of Dani and Harry’s latched hands.

“Dani! Harry! I’m so glad you could come,” To her relief, her dad greets the couple inside.

Y/N takes small footsteps backward, hoping that her absence won’t be noticed.

———————

It was little way before dinner time when Y/N’s parents decided that the cat has to be pulled out of the bad. Y/N had been stuck in her room for the remainder of the day while the rest of them had caught with each others’ lives and bonded for the first time in a while. It was hard not to notice Y/N’s absence especially when she was usually the life of the party.

The moment Marga asked the question, “What’s going on with Y/N”, everybody in the room inhaled a collective breath as if this topic was expected to be brought up sooner or later.

“What do you mean?” Dani asked in a sickly sweet voice, her index finger was twirling a strand of Harry’s curls.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how much weight she lost,” Robert agreed. ”She looks sick.”

It was true. Y/N hadn’t been eating much since the breakup. It’s not like she purposefully decided to stop eating altogether, she just didn’t have much of the appetite to devour the needed daily intake to keep her looking healthy. Thus, she lost weight without even noticing it, but others’ certainly did. Y/N didn’t even feel sick or anything, not much else actually makes her want to do stuff anymore. Her face was pale as if she hadn’t been outside in months and her eyes have sunken into her cheeks.  She was only existing now.

“I think she looks great, even better actually,” Dani murmured. “What? I’m serious, about time she lost some of that weight,”

“Please take this seriously, this is your sister we’re talking about,”

“Aren’t we always talking about her,” Dani huffed, rolling her eyes and a gasp could be heard throughout the room. Harry tries to shush, to which she shrugged the hand off of her shoulder.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure she’ll come to us if she needs help,” Harry answered, biting his lip to prevent him from saying anything more. Dani nodded in agreement with him, absolutely done with this talk.

“That’s a good idea. I guess you’re right, Harry,”

"I can’t believe you’re still letting him in this house after what he–they did to Y/N last time," Carlos scoffed, sitting up more comfortably on the couch cushions, “Harry left Y/N for Daniella and they don’t even feel guilty about it! She’s upstairs grieving right now while you guys don’t even care,”

Their parents are rendered speechless, instructing Carlos to check in on Y/N while they talk to Harry and Daniela.  “Is it true? Harry nods. “Did you really have to do this again, Daniela?”

“Do what?” She responded Harry was confused once again.

”You knew Harry and Y/N were together but you stole him away from her like you did before,“ Marga shook her head at her daughter, her heartbreaking even more when she thought of the future of her family.

“She didn’t say anything! I thought she was fine with it,” Daniel defended herself, putting her hand up and sitting. Harry was shocked by the information.

“How could anyone be okay with that? And you, what kind of sick person are you?” Harry looked up to Robert, feeling like a small child being scolded.

“W-what do you mean like she did before?” He couldn’t have prepared himself for what was to come next.

Marga sighed, head shifting from Harry to her daughter, “Every guy Y/N’s been with, Dani always somehow steals them away from her,” Harry gulped at the extent of his actions. “We’ve talked about it before because I was sick of seeing my other daughter cry herself to sleep for a guy that left her,”

"Oh boohoo, it’s not my fault they want me more than her,” Dani picks on a manicured finger. Harry was appalled by her snide comment and he finds himself comparing the two sisters once again. Y/N would never say anything like that and this time for sure, there were no doubts in his head.

“She never said anything but it hurt her so much that she didn’t want to introduce anybody to you,” Robert admitted in a somber tone. "She was so scared that you’ll find a way to take it away from her– her happiness. We didn’t even know about Harry and now we know why,”

Everything was silent, even Harry’s thoughts stopped their hustling and bustling and he swore his heart could burst with guilt.

“Are you saying it’s my fault?“

“Yes, she’s your sister. You shouldn’t hurt her like this,” Harry quipped.

Dani gasped incredulously,  “You’re taking her side now? God, why can’t she just stick up for herself for once!”

At this moment, Harry disconnected himself from the conversation. He was drifted off to the beginning of he and Y/N’s relationship; why Y/N never introduced Dani to him, nor did she speak about her. He was made aware of why she was so closed off from everyone when they first met and why it took a long time for them to get together– all because she was afraid and insecure of her sister.

And really, he can’t even blame Y/N for feeling this way. It must be so traumatic knowing that everything was done on purpose. Every horrendous action was done in the sole mission of hurting her. Harry felt bad, so bad that he wanted nothing more but to take her into his arms and never let her go. He would tell her that she was special and whisper sweet things in her ear– but he knew that she would never let her.

“We never raised you to be like this. You were aware of your actions but you still went through with them.” Marga spoke, “Are you that selfish?”

“So what if I am?” Dani retorted, biting back from her mom’s harsh words.

“Get out,” Robert said. Marga touched his shoulder, silently asking him to calm down and rethink his thoughts.

“Are you serious?“ and Harry himself was mute throughout.

“Family doesn’t hurt each other on purpose but you’ve done the worst to your own sister.” Her dad explained, “For now, I’m asking you to please leave until you’re ready to apologize to her,”

“You’re really pulling that one out? Then why did you and mom get a divorce, is it because you don’t love her anymore?” Dani aggravated. “Or you don’t feel the same way about him?”

Y/N silently tiptoes down the stairs with Carlos right behind her, hearing Daniela utter, “You guys act like you’re saints when you’re not!”

“I think that’s enough,” Y/N interrupted. Dani scoffed, “Look who it is, are you here to kiss their ass again?”

“I’m not and I never did,”

“That’s bullshit. And you,” She pointed at their parents, ”You really thought you were doing something, huh? Well, guess what, you guys really fucking suck and mom, did you know that your ex-husband here as a new family?”

Y/N warned Daniela again. “What? Don’t like hearing that dad has a new princess?”

“I said that’s enough,” Y/N balled her hands into fists, keeping them busy for the meanwhile.

“Can’t accept that you’ll always be the second choice? To dad and to sweet little, Harry?” Dani teased her in a mocking tone, lightly tapping her fingers on Harry’s arm as if she was taunting her. “How does it feel to know that he left you for me?”

“Okay, that’s it,” Y/N walked up to Dani, hand raising in the air to gain momentum for the hit that was about to come. Dani glanced up from looking at Harry’s face to be met with Y/N’s palm striking her square on the cheek. The sound of skin to skin reverberating in the otherwise silent room.

Dani gasped, “Mom! Dad! Harry, say something. She just slapped me,”

Harry speaks up, “I think you should leave,”

“I can’t believe you,” Dani rasped out, “You’re weak, Harry”

“At least I don’t hurt my own family,”

“That may be, but I’ll get over it,” She said while collecting her stuff. It was easier since all her luggage was left by the front door, unpacked. “Y/N here, however, probably won’t even forgive you for cheating,”

She tapped on Y/N’s cheeks, giving a mocking a smile before waving goodbye to her parents. Dani;’s figure disappears from view and they could faintly hear her put her shoes on. The door creaks open and slams in a matter of seconds.

Y/N lets out a deep exhale, eyes glancing up at her family and Harry. She pursed her lips, nodding at the events before heading upstairs once again. “Call me when dinner’s ready,”

A pregnant pause took place, both Marga and Robert heading to the kitchen to clear their thoughts and continue preparing and cooking the meal for tonight. It was only Harry and Carlos in the living room.

“Harry, who do you love?”

It caught him off-guard but one thing was for sure. He didn’t hesitate to let her name escape his lips.

“I love Y/N,”

————–

ugh,, please give me feedback (even if it’s about how bad this is)

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[gettoknowmysoul]

10/01/2018

My recollection of us.

It was junior year in high school; I had lunch with two girl “friends”. I say friends in parenthesis because after we broke up Luciel admitted she never liked me, hated me actually and Kelly stopped being my friend because of Luciel (PS the fact that Luciel admitted she hated me immediately after we broke is why it was so devastating to hear you were going to senior prom with her). Anyway, the three of us left lunch early one day and walked towards the history wing where we saw you standing outside of your history class. I remember my first thought was, “Ooo he’s cute! But I haven’t seen him around. He must be new.” You started coming to lunch with us and that’s how we all became friends.

Changing scenes, I remember leaving my eighth period class in the new wing that branched from the cafeteria and taking the outdoor route back to the front of the school rather than my usual indoor route and I saw you. Once I realized that was the route you took after school to go home, I started taking the outdoor route rather than the indoor route just to see you. One random day, I assume once we became good enough friends through lunch (haha), we stopped each other and you allowed me to walk you home. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but you revealed later on in our relationship it was because another girl, Lianna once asked to walk you home and you turned her down because you weren’t interested. Anyway, I walked you home and you walked me back to school. On our way back to school, I said “It’s so cold, my hands are freezing!” I was really just making conversation, but you grabbed my hand and I swear my heart sank to my feet, I was so happy hahah I’m lame! Anyway, I didn’t have practice that day so a few cheerleaders and I went into the gym and stunted for fun, you stuck around. I just finished a stunt, ran over to you and sat in between your legs, I turned around and we kissed for the first time ever. Some days after that I received a text message from Colby who asked if we were dating. I handed you the phone and you shrugged. I responded, since the 1st (November 1st) because that was the day all of the above happened and you responded, “I would’ve said the exact same thing.” Fast forward to after we broke up, you said I took it upon myself to say we were dating...another devastating thing to hear. You made it seem as though you never wanted to date me to begin with.

Anyway, the next couple of months, until February to be exact, we found ourselves in a whirlwind of what I thought was genuine love, after we broke up and even till this day, I’m not sure if your love for me was genuine, but I can say my love for you was. I remember a bunch of amazing memories that still till this day makes my heart light up. I remember our late night phone conversations, especially the one where we told each other we loved each other. It hadn’t even been a month since we started dating when we both told each other we had something to tell one another. I didn’t want to tell you I love you first, but you made me tell you what I needed to tell you before you would tell me what you needed to tell me so I did and I remember you saying you loved me too, but you needed me to tell you first because you didn’t want me to say it because you had. I remember you telling me when you first moved to West Hartford you were in the shower praying to God for someone to love and to be loved by someone and then I came along. I remember the first time we became intimate, it was the day before Thanksgiving. You took my bus home with me, but immediately after you had to leave because my parents were coming home soon and we were going to PA. I remember telling you for the first time we should break up, it was because I was afraid I was falling for you, I was afraid of getting hurt. You were so confused, but you told me you weren’t going anywhere. (PS reason why I can’t believe you when you said you had no idea all of my suggestions to break up were out of fear). Anyway, I remember feeling relieved we connected well on that level; I remember being afraid we wouldn’t connect well on that level because we connected so well emotionally. I remember you sneaking out of your house, walking to mine and sneaking in through a ladder so we can spend almost every night together and I remember you sneaking down the ladder the next morning hahah I would go downstairs first to make sure my mom wasn’t by the kitchen window hahah. I remember you giving me a swarovski bracelet before Christmas because you just couldn’t wait. I remember you carving a heart with a plus sign in the middle on a tree for us, you wanted to carve our initials with me there...unfortunately we never got to it. I remember you told me you chose that particular tree because it was on the route we took from school to your house when our relationship began and you chose a tree underneath a street light so we’d be able to see it even at night. (PS I’ve gone back to that tree multiple times throughout the years to follow. I think the last time I visited that tree was 3 years ago. I haven’t been back since Carlos and I became serious and committed.) I remember you going home after school then coming back with a ham and cheese sandwich and some cheese-itz for me before a game. I remember my mom taking us to go get me birth control. I remember going to church with you and you going to temple with me. I remember so much!

Though I genuinely loved you, I never failed to pick fights with you. I didn’t pick fights with you because you did or said something wrong, you were always absolutely perfect to me. I picked all of those fights with you because of personal insecurities, which were caused by Weslys and Sergeo, the two boys I was interested in before you. They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to be loved. So, throughout our relationship I picked a bunch of fights with you to test whether or not you actually loved me, because if you did you would fight for me right? In hindsight, that is absolutely ridiculous. Instead of fighting you and testing you, I should’ve just loved you and allowed you to love me, but I was damaged then... I mean, I’m still damaged, but now I know I deserve to be loved. Ultimately, all of these ridiculous fights pushed you so far away, you broke up with me and never looked back.

I remember the day we officially broke up. I ran after you as you were walking home, I kept telling you I didn’t want to break up and I love you, but you brushed me off as if I meant absolutely nothing to you. Before I turned around to walk back to school for practice, I told you I’d be waiting at home for you when you got back from Stamford. I remember that weekend I laid at home crying and listening to “Break Even” by The Script on repeat. That weekend felt like the longest weekend ever, but finally you were home. We met up at Eisenhower Park where I told you I still loved you and still wanted to be with you because I knew in my heart you’d be the one I marry one day. You responded, “so you mean to tell me of all the people you have met and have yet to meet I’m the one?” You also told me Andrea was your one so after that day I lied and told you Sergeo was my one. I never thought about a future with Sergeo, I just said that to not seem like the loser who got left and can’t move on while you already have. I’ve actually only thought about a future with you and now with my current boyfriend. Anyway, I guess I was wrong because here we are 8 years later, you’re married, but not to me...

8 years later and we finally talked about how we actually felt during and after our relationship. Though I expressed to you now more than I did then about how I felt about you and our relationship, I did not do so 100% and I wasn’t able to before you blocked me on instagram, hence this post.

First and foremost, how could you just block me? I guess the same way you were able to just break up with me and never look back...because you never genuinely loved me. I always thought our love was genuine, as I mentioned above, but throughout the years after we broke up you’ve always chucked our relationship up to be just a young fling you learned from, which is so incredibly hurtful every time you made it seem to be just that because I was actually 100% all into and for you. Now I know in our last conversation, you said you were 100% all into and for me as well, but I can’t seem to believe it. I can’t seem to believe it because of the events that took place immediately after we broke up. If you were 100% into and for me, you wouldn’t have brushed me off as if I were nothing when I ran after you after school that one day - you would’ve stopped and talked to me, you wouldn’t have had a fun weekend with Andrea in Stamford - you would’ve stayed loyal to me, you wouldn’t have brushed me off as if I were nothing when I tried to mend our relationship at Eisenhower park - you would’ve tried to mend our relationship as well. If you were 100% into and for me like I was into and for you, we would’ve gotten back together. Second, I had that conversation with you about us because I thought it’d give both of us closure and I guess it did give you closure because after that you blocked me, but it did the exact opposite for me. Instead of closure, our conversation reopened my heart to you. To be honest, I was better off before our conversation. Before our conversation, I held onto our memories, but that’s what they were, memories, memories of the past. Now, I can’t seem to stop thinking about what could of been and it’s so unfair, not only to me, but to my current boyfriend who is the first boy I’ve truly opened up to since you. Carlos is perfect; he’s handsome and talented and understanding of my family; he treats me like I’m a princess...

To conclude, I am walking away from you now with resentment. I resent you for breaking up with me and walking out of my life without a second thought leaving me completely shattered even till this day. I resent you for moving on by getting married and having kids before we had a chance to clear up how we felt about one another then and now. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for you for finding happiness because you more than anybody deserve it, but I resent you for finding it without me. 

All in all, I don’t think I will ever have closure from you and for that I resent you. I also resent you for blocking me, again, as if I were nothing.

Goodbye.

Addendum: Our conversation took place Saturday night. I felt an immense amount of pressure weighing down my mind and heart all day Sunday and Monday. In fact, all I did Monday was sleep. For that reason, I went back to writing and wrote this post. Immediately after I finished writing this post, I confessed to Carlos our conversation and how it made me feel. It wasn’t until after my conversation with Carlos that I felt at ease, at peace. You reentered my life and flipped it upside down, making me feel like a weak and vulnerable high school girl again. I don’t know what I would have done if Carlos weren’t here for me, if Carlos and I didn’t have a strong enough bond where we could communicate anything and everything with one another. Carlos reminded me I wasn’t a weak and vulnerable high school girl anymore, he reminded me I’ve become a strong woman. Maybe everything does happen for a reason... Because if things worked out between us, I would have never met Carlos - my rock, my peace of mind, my better half.

I will never forget you and all of our memories because you were the first boyfriend and my first glimpse at love, but I will no longer allow you to affect my mind and heart. I deserve more than what ifs, goodbye Kevine.