#if anyone makes a disease joke i'm going to be very angry

[yourfaveszodiacsign]

Lucrecia Crescent from Final Fanstasy VII is a Cancer who was born in the Year of the Gold Tiger!

[yeetmeoutthewindowdaddy]

Information about the Tav I ship with Rolan in my fics:

Figured I should describe the Tav that I envision when I'm writing about him and Rolan.

Unless otherwise stated, this Tav is the Tav who is in every one of my Rolan x Tav fics.

I used a mix of BG3 and DND 5e/ 5.5e mechanics to make this Tav.

This specific Tav isn't playable in BG3. But idgaf, horny brain go brrr.

I can't draw for shit, so I used the Tiefling Maker by Crowesn on Picrew to make the closest approximation of what this Tav looks likes in my mind. Please go check out the maker, it's amazing!

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Epilogue stats:

Level: 12

Class: Bard 7, Monk 5

Subclass: College of Dance, Way of the Drunken Master

Ability scores:

Very high: 18 CHA, 17 DEX, 16 WIS High: 15 STR, 14 CON Low: 8 INT

Basic information:

Name: Tav Atarmin

Age: 27

Sex/Gender: Male

Species: 1/4 minotaur, 3/4 human

Build: Big and beefy (think of Dwayne Johnson/Jason Momoa)

Height: 6'7" (7'2" with horns)

Weight: 315 lbs.

Hair: Black, curly, long, luscious, mullet-esque, often in a low ponytail.

Facial hair: Black, balbo goatee (sans moustache)

Eyes: Bright lizard green irises, black pupils, white sclera.

Skin: Sepia brown skin that turns into short fur the further out from the center of his face.

Piercings: Seamless hoop septum/bull ring, 2 (parallel) vertical eyebrow rings/hoops on left eyebrow.

Voice: Warm rich bass, has a wide vocal range, sounds like Colm R. McGuinness when he sings. (Please check out his covers of Enemy and Hallelujah, he is waaaay too underrated for how talented he is.)

Other: Beauty mark on right cheek, light splattering of freckles, cow ears, hooves instead of feet, ivory colored horns, sharp canines and molars, no tail, 5 fingers on each hand, ambidextrous, fingernails are naturally black and claw-like (files/blunts them so he won't accidently hurt his instruments or bedpartners), nails are often painted.

Diet: Omnivore. Prefers meat and most vegetables raw, but will eat them cooked. He eats beef— he knows he's part beef, he does not care "because beef tastes good." Is pretty sure he won't get a prion disease from what could technically be considered partial-cannibalism.

Likes: Spicy food, music, playing instruments, dancing, performing, snapdragons (esp. red and purple), "verbal jousting", sex, being thirsted over, quality goods, gold, flirting, Rolan, cats, fun, lazy days, adventuring, tea (both the drink and the drama), jokes, exercising, dime novels copper novels.

Dislikes: Bland food, injustice, discrimination, watered down alcoholic drinks, blood oranges, anyone who hurts those he cares about or the innocent, hangovers, creepy porcelain dolls, imaginary numbers, the Absolute, being bored.

Personality: Laid back, easy going, humorous, playful, flirty, bold, forward, mischievous, silver-tongued, charming, adventurous, helpful, kind, stubborn, cunning, cocksure, slow to anger (rages like a barbarian when angered), full of wanderlust, distractible, himbo, caring, indulgent, somewhat pragmatic, (secretly a hopeless-)romantic, suave, horny, goofy, generally level headed, proud, diplomatic, smooth, jovial, faux-naïf (uses people's perception of him as a way to make them underestimate him— he acts like a stupid drunk bard to catch his enemies off guard. He is stupid, but he's smarter than he lets on— his WIS score is doing some real heavy lifting.)

Background information:

Alignment: Chaotic good

Personality Traits:

Nobody stays angry at me or around me for long, since I can defuse any amount of tension.

I love a good insult, even one directed at me.

I judge people by their actions, not their words.

I’m confident in my own abilities and do what I can to instill confidence in others.

Ideals:

Respect. People deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. (Good)

People. I like seeing the smiles on people’s faces when I perform. That’s all that matters. (Neutral)

Creativity. The world is in need of new ideas and bold action. (Chaotic)

Freedom. Chains are meant to be broken, as are those who would forge them. (Chaotic)

Bonds:

I protect those who cannot protect themselves.

I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Those who fight beside me are those worth dying for.

Secretly— I am desperately searching for "the one", my soulmate.

Flaws:

Once I pick a goal, I become obsessed with it to the detriment of everything else in my life.

I can't resist a pretty face.

I'd rather eat my armor than admit when I'm wrong.

I have an insatiable desire for carnal pleasures.

Romantic information:

Sexual orientation: Pansexual, but has a strong preference for men/people who present or identify as masc.

Love Languages (G)iving/(R)eceiving: Words of affirmation (G,R), gift giving (R), physical touch (G,R), acts of service (G), quality time (G,R).

Type of lover: The "Get you a man who sexually dominates you but who also is caring and loving" meme.

His type: "Spicy", bratty, tsundere, smart, talented, tiefling, confident, easily flustered.

Relationship style: No strings attached/noncommittal until he finds "the one". After he finds his "true love" he'd be ethically non-monogamous or into swinging.

Other: Believes that lust and love are not intrinsically linked with one another. He is secretly a hopeless-romantic who believes he has one true love/a soul mate. His normally high charisma stat flies out the window when he tries to flirt with someone who he actually wants to date. Vacillates between cocksure and sheepish around Rolan, he's in love and doesn't know what to do about it. Lust, he can handle. But love? He's out of his depth. The dime novels copper novels he enjoys reading didn't prepare him for how overwhelming romantic feelings would be— he thought that love would feel like lust with a smidge more emotional intensity/intimacy, not a tsunami wave threatening to drown him.

NSFW information:

Genitals: 9", thick, veiny, semi-retractable minotaur penis. Big hairy breeder balls.

Piercings: Prince Albert, guiche, both nipples.

Sex drive: High, the horny bard trope exists for a reason.

Role: Prefers to top but is willing to bottom. Is a dom who will sub, albeit rarely.

Kinks: Breeding, daddy, brat-taming, spanking, shibari, size, exhibitionism, voyeurism, gaping, mild-humiliation, scent, piss, mirror sex, praise, tails, tail sex, oral, anal, belly bulge, light-degradation, edging, intimacy, overstimulation, body worship, begging, aural, dacryphilia, cross dressing, cucking (only when he is the stud/bull), BDSM.

Squicks: (Anything that's illegal irl), vomit, scat, prolapse, under-negotiated kinks/scenes, actual bestiality (he's down to fuck Halsin in bear form lmao), farting, burping, cake farting (he doesn't want to talk about why cake farting has a separate, independent listing), grapefruiting.

[stitching-in-time]

Voyager rewatch s1 ep13: Faces

I remember this one very well, it's definitely an interesting one, even if my feelings about it have shifted over the years. I don't like it now as much as I used to.

It's well directed, the actors do a fantastic job. The concept of separating someone's DNA to create two separate people is a little wild, but obviously it was meant to be an excuse for a character study episode for B'Elanna, so I'll go with it. It's an interesting story device for a character who feels caught between two worlds to have what they feel to be the two sides of themself actually talk to each other face to face, but I feel like the premise of that is actually kind of flawed.

Since B'Elanna's mixed species heritage is obviously meant to be a metaphor for mixed race heritage, I think it's iffy to have the whole crux of the story be that Klingons' and humans' differences are inately baked into their DNA rather than cultural, since the idea that people of different races are inherently different biologically was used to justify racist ideology in human society for centuries.

Secondly, I think it's too simplistic to make generalizations like 'her Klingon side is brave', and 'her human side is a meek scaredy cat'. Aside from the fact that it's incredibly misogynist to assume that human women are inherently meek and unable to control their fear (seriously? When women have to be on high alert, constantly vigilant, in risk assement mode just to walk down the street and go about our lives? Women are way tougher and braver than men will apparently ever realize) it's also not taking into account that both 'sides' of B'Elanna had the same upbringing, influences, and experiences, and would in all likelihood have the same response to any given situation. Are they really implying that only a Klingon woman would get angry and resentful and want to beat the crap out of people who cross her after being treated like crap by her own family and community? And that a human woman couldn't possibly feel or act that way? Are you kidding?

There were also a lot of weird little inconsistencies that bothered me; if the Klingons are the only species the Vidians have met that are immune to the phage, why don't any of the workers they've kidnapped have it?? Why didn't Voyager rescue any of the other people the Vidians captured when they had the forcefield down?? Especially that Talaxian guy that was helping them- Voyager crew really gonna be like 'thanks, bye, have fun being enslaved and harvested for body parts'?! And if that Vidian scientist was onto maybe curing the phage, maybe they should have captured him and taken a look at his work, because if by some chance Klingon DNA could have provided a cure, wouldn't it be in the best interests of everyone in the quadrant to not have Vidians marauding around killing people for their organs, to say nothing of curing them of a terrible disease? Isn't helping to cure plagues and stuff on distant planets what Starfleet is all about? (And was that a holocaust joke when the Vidian guard took B'Elanna away?! What. the. hell?!)

I'm sure they were trying to make an episode about accepting all the sides of yourself you don't like, but that's really hard when the assumption that her Klingonness is somehow a problem to be solved, is never challenged. The scene where B'Elanna talks about the racism she experienced growing up, and how she learned to feel ashamed of being Klingon, are truly heartbreaking, and sadly continue to be all too relevant in our society today. But it undercuts any message of acceptance by never actually having B'Elanna, or any other character, acknowledge that being Klingon isn't a bad thing in and of itself, nor is it something she has to fight or keep under wraps to be loved and accepted by anyone, including herself. That should have been the central message, but it was completely sidestepped, probably because a lot of her storylines end up being about having to control her 'scary Klingon side'. (Which honestly I think is also rooted in misogyny, since Worf never got told he was too scary or too Klingon by anyone around him, or tried to be less Klingon- in fact, most of his storylines were the exact opposite- trying to reconnect with his noble Klingon warrior heritage. Why is it noble for male characters to be tough Klingon warriors, but for female characters it's 'too much' and a 'problem' to be solved?)

The episode's ending basically outright said that B'Elanna can never be at peace being half human and half klingon, she'll always have to fight with herself. That's just awful, honestly. And from a psychological standpoint, very unhealthy. Othering and isolating parts of yourself that you don't like as separate from you is something that you're not supposed to do- it paves the way to dissociation and hinders healing rather than helping. (I have someone close to me who's struggled with Dissociative Identity Disorder, so I'm really sensitive when it comes to this subject.)

It makes me upset too that none of the characters B'Elanna talks to about any of these feelings reassure or validate her at all. Like, as a friend, you're always supposed to tell someone who's struggling with self-worth that they're good enough as they are, that they didn't deserve to be treated the way they were treated, and that they're loved and valued. How hard would that really be to have any of these characters say that?

I give Paris more of a pass for not knowing what to say when she drops this stuff on him, since they don't know each other very well at this point. He's lived a privileged Starfleet brat life and probably doesn't understand that comparing racism to a bad haircut is deeply tone deaf and unhelpful, but it's not surprising he would be awkward when someone who's really just his coworker at this point suddenly starts sharing deeply personal stuff. Chakotay, though, has been close friends with her for some time, and when she's tearfully telling him how she feels like she'll always be at war with herself, he doesn't say a damn thing, he doesn't put a hand on her shoulder, no gestures of kindness or encouragement, he just looks awkward and leaves silently like 'yeah, I guess you'll always be miserable! Bummer, nothing to be done!' Like, what?! No! No no no! That's just wrong, both from an in universe perspective- as her friend, he wouldn't be that cold- and from a story perspective- what a terrible thing to imply, that it's impossible to get to a better place or find peace with yourself after being mistreated. Why end the episode on such a negative note? I mean sure, they had the whole thing about how she needs her Klingon side, and it can help her in some situations, but that's still othering parts of herself and leaving her feeling just as bad as before. While Roxann Dawson was doing an absolutely fantastic job acting-wise with all of this, I feel like she deserved a better episode that didn't treat B'Elanna's existence as some kind of unfortunate, hopeless tragedy.

Tl;dr: While the acting was good, I don't like the dim view it takes of the possiblity of healing from a traumatic upbringing, or the implication that her mixed heritage itself is the source of her inner conflict, rather than the bad treatment she recieved because of other people's prejudice against her.

[screampotato]

I have a curious reaction to this that I'm thinking about. Because I also have to take medication for various reasons. The longest standing one is for congenital gastro oesophageal reflux disease.

And yeah, the meds are not a big deal, but at the same time they do have side effects. The fact I'm lumbered with this issue and with the meds that go with it is just a mundane fact of my life, I don't spend time wishing it away, but equally I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

But I remember when I was at university, some classmates joking about their binge drinking habits and one of them saying that he'd given himself a stomach ulcer. And I was kind of... angry? I was like, I don't get any choice in having this issue, but you're openly inviting it into your life just for... for the sake of looking like the coolest drunk idiot in the class?

Having a chronic health issue and having to take meds for the rest of my life is fine, it's whatever. But if you've got the choice NOT to be in that situation... I dunno... maybe don't?

In retrospect, however, I do wonder if he had an actual issue with alcohol, because drinking yourself into a stomach ulcer in your very early 20s seems rather more extreme than recreational drinking. So perhaps it was less of a choice than he wanted to make it seem.

was recently reminded by a coworker that, for some people, the idea of having to take a medication every day for the rest of their life is, like, a kind of curse, rather than a pretty mundane part of life

[wandsolsen]

Champagne Problems

Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Summary: In which Wanda rejected your marriage proposal, inspired by Taylor Swift's song Champagne Problems.

Warnings: pure angst, cursing.

Word Count: 1.8k

↳ Please, be aware that English isn't my first language, fell free to tell me if there are any mistakes.

You booked the midnight train for a reason, you wanted to contemplate your pain with your head against the train window.

The reason for your suffering had a name, Wanda Maximoff.

You sat down in one of the seats, feeling the hurt in your chest burning hard just for thinking about her. The train wasn't too much crowned, however, it wasn't all empty. There were people talking and people sleeping, you were not sure which was worse.

People looked at you, certainly worried about how miserable you were.

You finally rested your head on the train window, looking at the view from the outside. Unintentionally, you remembered Wanda's hand holding yours as the two of you danced on the dance floor.

Wanda smiled at you, and she looked happy. But she wasn't, at least, not complete. Not happy enough to say yes.

However, nobody could ever have thought that she would say no.

You felt the tears coming out, your mouth trembled as you remembered. Your heart was made of glass and she let it drop it.

You had prepared a speech, but when you got down on your knees, you didn't find the expression of emotion and excitement that you had imagined she would had. Instead, you saw Wanda's body tense and fear in her green eyes.

You were speechless.

She didn't even let you ask, she ran away, leaving you there, on your knees and crestfallen on the dance floor.

You were so broken that you hadn't the strength to reach out to her, Wanda's love escaped beyond your reaches.

You saw the pity look that your family and friends gave to you. You had told them that you were going to propose Wanda that night, you couldn't keep it a secret.

You had bought Dom Pérignon and one of your family members had already popped the bottle in an early celebration, it was humiliating.

"Maybe it's just one of her...What does she call? Oh, yeah," Steve remembered before anyone could answer him. "her champagne problems." Steve was trying to calm you down, but he wasn't succeeding.

Fuck Wanda, you thought, your veins filled with angry. Fuck her and her champagne problems.

But even with all the fury you were feeling, Wanda's picture was still in your wallet along with your mom's ring.

You didn't hate her for leaving, you could never hate her.

You remembered the first time you made Wanda blush, it was in November.

You both met in college, and you thought you were the luckiest person in the world for having Wanda as your roommate. She was organized, friendly and didn't ask too many questions, everything a person could want from a roommate.

"Someone said to me that this door was once a madhouse." You said to her, wanting to make small talk.

"Well, it's made for me." Wanda made a joke, and you chuckled.

"A beautiful and intelligent woman like you in a madhouse? I find it hard to believe."

"Beautiful people do have problems too." Wanda's face was getting flush.

"I know, I know." You said. "I just wanted to praise you because, well, you're definitely one of the most beautiful girls on the campus."

And there it was, Wanda's face all red and her shy smile on her lips. You felt your heart beating faster than usual at that moment.

"So do you?" You continued.

"Do what?"

"Have problems."

"Just champagne problems." She answered.

"Champagne problems?" You asked, with your furrowed eyebrows.

"Yes, nothing meaningful or worth mention," She explained. "when compared to the others issues around the world."

"Well, champagne or not, they're still problems."

She thought about your words for a moment, but didn't say anything. Wanda continued to devalue her own problems, claiming that her issues were insignificant and there were worse things in the world.

Wanda was very reserved in the beginning, it was usually you who started the conversations. It didn't take long for you to fall in love with her.

I mean, how could you not? She was gorgeous and caring. Wanda was kinder than the most people you had ever met. She was a dream girl, with her hair loose and long, her sweet smile and her funny laugh. The way she was always up to help someone in need, and how she tried to empathize with everyone.

Wanda was absolutely flawless.

You only asked her out on a date when you were sure she wouldn't reject you.

Now, seeing from afar, you could see how stupid you were. You should have waited, just kneeling after knowing for sure that she would say yes.

But that's the problem.

You had sure that Wanda would say yes with tears dropping from her eyes. Then, your song would have played, you would have kissed her and held her hand tight while dancing. Your friends would have cheered with joy, and Wanda would have hugged you with a radiant smile on her face.

You let out a breath of pain. You now lived with only wishes. Because she dropped your hand while dancing, instead of holding tight.

Just champagne problems, she would say, about this dramatic situation.

You had a black Chevy that Wanda loved, she enjoyed riding in your car, even if you never go anywhere special. And when the car stopped running and you decided that was time to buy a better one, Wanda didn't let you. Often you saw her on the passenger seat murmuring whatever song was playing on the radio.

Nevertheless, the Chevy wasn't going anywhere. Just like your relationship.

Feeling tired of sitting there in this hurt, you left the train and went to the nearest hotel that you could find, you didn't want to come back home anytime soon.

You lived in a small town, your failed marriage proposal was probably spreading in the mouth of people like a disease.

Your turn on your phone, there were many messages and missed calls from your friends, but no one of them matters to you. Except one.

There was one voicemail from Wanda. Just that. She didn't send you a dozen messages like your friends, just a voicemail.

You set down on the bed, before listening to her voice for the last time.

Hey, Y/N, it's me, Wanda. I think I owed you an apology for leaving you out there standing. I-I can't do this, I'm sorry.

Wanda's voice was trembling, it sounded like she was crying. Why was she crying? She left you, not the other way around.

You didn't know it was possible for your heart to break more, but it did. The sound of her painful voice would haunt you forever.

I really can't give you a reason, I guess I never was ready for commitment. Sometimes you just don't know the answer until someone gets on their knees and asks you, you know?

There was a long pause, so long that you thought the message was over. However, Wanda's voice filled the room again:

You deserve someone better than me, you always had. Someone who is not fucked up in the head like me, someone who will never hurt you like I did. You'll find a real thing out there, she will pick up the pieces of your broken heart and she will patch up your tapestry that I shredded. She will be so perfect that you will not remeber me, or all my champagne problems.

Your vision was blurred because of the tears that fall uncontrollably from your face.

Ours... your friends called, they all are worried about you, please contact them.

There was another long pause.

I lov...

Your heart started to race at the words she was about to say, but Wanda gave up halfway, as if realizing that the words were not true.

Goodbye, Y/N.

And that was it.

Four years of relationship saying goodbye in a voicemail of less than five minutes.

Your throat burned from holding on to crying for so long, you wanted to scream until your vocal cords burst.

You loved her more than anything, and she left as if it were nothing. As if your love meant nothing.

You took the picture of Wanda that was still on your wallet, and tore it into several pieces before throwing it in the trash.

Eventually, the sleep caught you while you were crying in the hotel bed, similar to a friendly hug in the midst of so much pain.

━━━━━━ ᗢ ━━━━━━

You heard that Wanda left town, without looking back, on the same day that she rejected your proposal.

Wanda's sweet perfume was still impregnate, along with your memories with her, in every room of the house that the two of you used to live. You didn't manage to stay there, it didn't take long for you to sell the house and buy an apartment in the city center.

You sold your black Chevy, there was no one around to stop you.

You also sold Wanda's things that she left behind, you didn't want anything to remind you of her. Because after the end of the day, you were still mad at Wanda. For leaving, for didn't give you a good reason, for making your waste four years of your life.

"She would've made such a lovely bride, what a shame she's fucked in the head." That was probably the last thing that someone spoke about Wanda, before another big gossip emerge in your town and they eventually forgot the humiliation that she put you through.

At first, you stayed in your new apartment with your heart broken, just watching futile reality shows and eating junk food. Steve, your best friend, was there all the time giving you emotional support, even though he didn't always know how to say the right thing.

But eventually you had to face reality, after all, you suffering or not, life still went on.

It took two years before you were ready to fall in love again. And two years since you had heard from Wanda, you didn't know about her even on social media, since she had deleted them all.

It was as if Wanda had simply disappeared, little by little, she became a myth in your life, a ghost that haunted you from time to time. Not even your friends and family mentioned her name.

Sometimes you wondered if she really existed, if you haven't invented her in your head.

It was in a bar outside the town, that you met Natasha Romanoff. She was self-confident and carried a death look in her eyes, rigid on the outside, but soft on the inside. She had short red hair and was not very fond of wearing jewellery.

Totally different from Wanda.

Natasha was fun to be around, it was easy to understand her because she was always honest with you.

You started to date her on the very first day of summer. Then, after spending all the four seasons together, you started to carry your mom's ring in your pocket and Natasha's picture in your wallet.

And when you got on your knees, she didn't leave you crestfallen on the dance floor. She said yes, and held your hand tight while dancing.

However, in the end, Wanda was wrong.

You still remeber all her champagne problems.

[animeyanderelover]

Hi! actually I'm kinda embrassed for requesting prompt because I already ask for hc...but can I request Black Butler number 26 with Ronald ? Thank you!!💓💓

You really don’t have to feel embarrassed about this, I don’t have a limit for sending requests though I appreciate it if a person knows when to stop. But two requests are fine with me.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, clinginess, death, killing

Prompt 26: “...Why do you cry?! Who made you cry?! Tell me their fucking names so I can rip their heads off for making my angel cry!!!”

You hadn't quite realized how much time had already passed by, the whole day had been gone by in a blur, you not even realizing that it was already night, sun nearly having disappeared from the horizon completely. Time flew by fast, didn't it?

If you would have known that sooner, maybe this sudden news wouldn't have hit you that hard. Of course not only the old people died due to their age or a sudden disease took someone, who could have actually spend a lot more time under the living, deceased all of a sudden. Basically anything could happen to someone, no matter how old or young anywhere.

That had today sunken in in you, having attended the funeral of your closest friend. He had passed all too suddenly away, even for his parents his death had been a shock. The reasoning of death was unknown, the only obvious fact was that he had been murdered by someone, all alone and most likely petrified before his life had been taken from you.

His parents had told you that he had wanted to tell you something on that night, what exactly they didn't know. He hadn't even told them, saying that for now it was only for your ears to hear. It stung incredibly that he would never get the chance now to tell you and you couldn't hep, but wonder what exactly he had wanted to say to you. Now it didn't matter anymore anyways, he was dead.

And you, you were deeply caught in your palace of thoughts, going through anything you could have and should have done whilst you still had the time with him. It was funny, people never seemed to think about everything they could have done better whilst they had a certain someone in thei life until this person was gone. Why was that? Why didn't you do more for him? With him? The only thing you had left now were your memories with him and a bleeding wound his sudden death had left in your heart.

So you didn't even realize the soft knocks on your door at first, nor even when they seemed to get louder and more harsher. You were too deep in your own land, memories flashing nonstopping in front of your eyes. Memories which had once been sweet and warm, but now were bitter and painful. Why had he leave this early? He hadn't even lived his life yet. He hadn't met a nice person yet, hadn't even experienced true love yet. And now he would never.

"(y/n)! Hey! I know you're in there! What's wrong did something happen?" A sudden voice finally made you very slowly turn your attention somewhat back to the real world, realizing who's voice it was. Was it already that late since Ronald had appeared in front of your house? He usually was busy during the day, working didligently before coming later always over to you and spend the time he had with you. He was your boyfriend after all. A clingy and very smothering boyfriend, but you still loved him a lot.

At first you didn't feel the real motivation to move. You had hit the bottom of your current misery, mourning over your best friend, the most idiotic, but lovable person you had ever met. Next to that you really didn't want Ronald to see you in your current state. Cheeks and part of your clothes, especially your sleeves, being stained with your own tears, hair disheveled due to having tossed around in bed the last few hours, meaning that your pillow had already fallen victim to your sorrow and crying. You didn't only feel shitty, you were convinced you looked that way as wel.

"(y/n)! Something is wrong, isn't it? What happened babe? You know you can talk to me about anything!" His voice was weakened due to the wooden door and the distance between it and your bedroom, being seperated by exactly one floor. But you still sensed it in his voice, the steadily raising worry and panic. Your eyes wandered to the door of your bedroom, thinking whether you should ignore him and spend this night alone or let him in and searching for comfort in him.

"If you don't open this door in the next minute, I'll break it! Come on, sweetie! Please let me in and help you!" You might as well have taken it as a joke at first, not believing that he would seriously break your door if it wouldn't have been for the following sentences. "(y/n). Open the door. Now."

There was this sudden switch in his voice, going from the typically 'overworried boyfriend' tone to something else. Just know he had sounded somewhat deeper and much more calmer than before, his voice somehow giving you the feeling that he wasn't kidding. You were talking about Ronald, he wouldn't do something like this...right?

Deciding that you didn't want to find out, you slowly started sitting up, blinking the exhaustion out of your eyes and wiping the wetness decorating your face as good as possibly away, hoping it wouldn't be too obvious what you had done the last few hours. But whom were you even trying to fool? Even the most oblivious person would have noticed that you had been crying.

"Don't break the door! I'm coming already." You had barely the strength to scream loud enough so that he would hear you, voice scratching uncomfortably against your throat, needing some rest after all the previous whimpers and small cries of yours. You actually contorted your face a bit when hearing yourself yelling those words, voice breaking at the end of the last sentence and the unpleasant hoarse sound your voice made. There was no way Ronald wouldn't have heard this.

He didn't. "Are you feeling well? You sound terrible! Please let me in!" The knocking sounds intensified together with his growing panic, making you hurry up, despite feeling like your body wasn't able to handle anything above just laying in bed. When hearing your steps approaching, you heard something akin to scratching sounds on the door, imagining that Ronald was getting a bit desperate.

Without any words you opened the door, instantly stepping behind it whilst holding it wide open for him to enter, hiding behind it since you didn't want him to witness how terrible you currently looked with your red and puffy eyes.

You heard him quickly stumbling in, almost falling due to having leaned his body against the door. But he managed to not be greeted with the floor, catching his balance and instantly turning his head around, searching for you. It took him less than two seconds before he had discovered your form, still hiding behind the wood.

One step was all it took for him to be by your side, grabbing the door and closing it quickly, shielding you and him from anyone outside witnessing what was going on in this house.

You had lowered your head to the ground, gaze focusing instead on his shoes which you could clearly see. They didn't really interest you, but you didn't want to look up in his face. A stupid thing to do, you knew he would make you anyways. But it was just how you acted right now.

"Babe..." His voice had gone soft, hands gently holding yours and squeezing them in a comforting manner. "What's wrong? What makes you currently feel down? Tell me how can I help."

You let out a bitter and pained chuckle, starting to grip his hands in a firmer hold as well, feeling the rising need to throw yourself in his arms and hopefully get rid of some of the currently heavy rain clouds of grief and aching surrounding your heart. "I don't think you can help me as much as you would like. Not in a wa you want to right now."

Bitterness was dripping out of every word you spoke and you found yourself quickly burrying your head in his chest and letting go of his hands, instead grabbing his arms and tightening your grip on them as you felt once again the burning and hot sensation of tears gathering in your eyes and tracing your cheeks once again. You were emotional and knew it, but who wouldn't be after such a shocking and heartbreaking loss.

Ronald himself felt his heart breaking a bit as well when suddenly feeling you clinging onto him so tightly, your tight grip on him being a silent and wailing plead for any sort of affection and comfort he could possibly give you. It hurt him seeing you like this, normally you weren't like this. The tears wetting his clothes in that moment were just adding up to this dolorous pulling on his heart strings and he felt himself embrace you rather quickly in a warm and slightly possessive hug, feeling himself growing slowly slightly angry at whatever or whoever had put you in your current condition.

"What's wrong?" Everything was wrong. You had just lost an important person and were crying rivers over him. "I...I...T-today..." You had barely time to hiccup anything, especially a full sentence out during your increasing sobs. You had thought that you had cried the worst part out earlier, but now that you had Ronald with you, the string that had seemed to hold your emotions in check seemed to be cut off, making everything inside of you turning up and down again. It was not a completely bad thing. it just meant that in presence of Ronald you felt like you didn't have to hide anything. Nevertheless, it only added even more layers of pain and heartbreak over your currently fragile heart.

You felt him tensing up the more your breath became erratic and the more you sounded like you would choke any minute on your own sobs, the more his grip tightened around you and his attempts to hush you and try to calm you down sounded more and more panicked. You hadn't even time to answer his questions, being too busily drowning in your own tears.

"...Why do you cry?! Who made you cry?! Tell me their fucking names so I can rip their heads off for making my angel cry!!!"

You stiffened up, slightly startled by the sudden loud noise which Ronald quickly noticed. "I'm sorry for scaring you just now! I'm...just panicking right now a bit because I don't even know why you're so upset. I want to help you and feel currently a bit useless because I can't do anything to make you feel better."

He had quickly lowered his voice, using a more gentle and comforting tone to not scare you again. You slowly managed to relax again in his hold, acknowledging the fact that he was right now just worried over you. "It's-it's fine. I'm just...my-my best friend (f/n) died today. Earlier his fu-funeral was held."

You felt slight confusion stirring up inside of you when you felt him shortly stopping in his movements, feeling his muscles cramping a bit under his skin. You lifted slowly your head, blinking up at him.

Maybe for the shortest of seconds you thought he had a weirdly guilty expression on his face, but maybe your vision had just been a bit blurred due to the still present tears in your eyes.

"I'm sorry to hear that. I remember that I've read something about this in the newspaper this morning. He was yesterday evening killed, right?" You just nodded, pushing the look on his face quickly away, deciding it had just been an imagination due to your tears. "Don't worry, it'll get better over time. I'll be here for you whenever you need me." You dearly hoped that you could believe in those words.

Maybe he should have thought about it more before doing it, he hadn't expected you to be in so much sorrow. Sure, he had definitely knew that you would go through a phase of sadness and pain, but he hadn't expected such an extreme reaction. He had needed about three hours to manage to calm you just enough down so you could finally give your mind a rest and go to sleep because he had realized just how exhausted you had looked, all the stress and crying tiring you out. His whole shirt had been soaked by tears and snot, but it wasn't like he cared. His focus had only been on helping you finally getting some sleep.

Maybe...just maybe Ronald could have done it a different way. But now it was too late to regret such things and thinking back, he had given the guy many chances to back off. He knew how close both of you had been to each other and the last thing he had needed would have been competing with your childhood friend. He had been unsure, feeling threatened. What if you would have chosen your friend over him?

But now that man was gone forever and whilst Ronald felt definitely terrible for having inflicted so much suffering onto you, he also couldn't help, but feel the tiniest bit glad that he would continue holding you whilst you were sleeping safe and soundly. You most likely wouldn't be that way if you would know that he was the one who had killed your friend.

But only him and your friend knew this. And that guy would never get a chance to tell you, he had taken that secret with him in the afterworld. Just like his love confession...

[otakugirl1228]

Do you write angst? I'm always up for reading sad stuff (voltron preferably but i'm good with whatever)

 You bet I do! I actually have quite a few I have written especially for Tokyo Ghoul Which you can find on my wattpad account or Ao3. But I can write you a quick little one-shot right now for Voltron! It’s been a while since I have written angst because I have been on a little bit of a fluff track as of late but  I hope that you enjoy it!

__________________________________

Lance watched Shiro and Keith with a frown on his face and pain in his chest. Lance knew the reason behind the pain but didn’t want to face the fact of what was happening. Coran had explained it all too well to him, and he had seen it happen one too many times in his own family, watching the life fade from two of his sister’s eyes from the very disease he now had. 

Hanahaki, or the flower disease, everyone knew the cause and it seemed unfair and unjust to everyone who contracted it. Unrequited love. Lance had vowed to himself that he would never under any circumstances fall in love with anyone too afraid of dying from the sheer fact his love was not reciprocated, and yet here he was in love with two people who he knew would never love him back. 

Now many people would be asking him how he knew this if he were back on Earth, and he would tell them that they were in a perfectly happy relationship with each other, and he knew that they were aware of his feelings he had made it quite obvious since the beginning that he had liked them. Flirting with Shiro, fighting with Keith in ways that resembled an old married couple. Lance had even gone so far as to tell the two of them that he loved them but was brushed off and ignored. 

Everyone on the team knew about his disease but no one seemed to really care too much that he was dying and even telling him to remove the flowers or his memories to cure him, after all the team thought he would just find another person to love by the following week, but Lance knew that wasn’t true. 

Lance knew that he wouldn’t ever want to forget them or have the flowers removed from his body after all the removal of the flowers would mean the removal of his feelings and he didn’t want to do that. So, of course, that only left him with two options, get them to somehow return his feelings or he would die. 

Shiro and Keith laughed and joked with one another across from him and Lance began to cough violently and several petals came out of his airway. Lance’s throat felt as though it were on fire as he continued to cough Hunk and Pidge coming over to try and help him and it took five minutes for the fit to stop though to Lance it had felt like an eternity, as he struggled to even his breathing out. 

Keith and Shiro looked over concerned and soon came over to them to make sure that Lance was okay and to try to convince him to remove the damn flowers in his lungs. 

“Lance you need to stop this…please just get the flowers out of you…I don’t want you to die you’re my best friend….” Hunk says trying to convince him to have the healing pod remove the flowers. 

“Just do it, Lance, you an important part of team Voltron and we need you…” Pidge says looking concerned for him. 

Shiro looks at Keith as if unsure of what to say or do to make the team and Lance do what is best for all of them, and Keith snaps. 

“For Christ fucking sake Lance just fucking get the damn flowers out of you. Are you willing to put the entire universe at stake just because you fell in love with some alien chick? Get over it!” 

Lance went stiff, and that was when he realized that neither Keith nor Shiro had paid attention to him when he had walked right up to them and confessed to the two of them. Had they ignored him? Forgotten about it? Lance was a mixture of angry and sad as tears streamed down his face. 

“Get over it! Get over it?!” Lance screams at Keith. “You’ve never seen how this disease works have you? It tears you apart from the inside, and no it wasn’t some alien chick that did this it was you and fucking Shiro!” He practically screams at them crying and messy as blood drips from the corner of his mouth from when he was coughing. 

Keith and Shiro looked at each other confused, not knowing this. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” Keith shouts back. “Do you think that just because you love one of us it is okay to just go off and die because you don’t have your lover?! Get your shit together and have Coran put you in a damn pod to do it!” 

Lance feels more tears stream down his face and he bites his lip. He knew he had a duty to the universe but he also had a duty to himself. Keith grabs the collar of Lance’s now bloody shirt bringing him closer. 

“Well, Lance what the hell are you going to do?!��� Shiro comes over to put a hand on Keith’s shoulder looking as if he had realized something. 

“Keith wait let’s hear him out he may-”

“Hear him out? No, he is the idiot who got himself into this, go do something for the team for once instead of only caring about yourself! Do you know how much trouble we have nearly gotten into because you couldn’t do your job?!”

Lance flinches recalling each and every time he had fucked up and nearly cost the teams life and his own. 

“The only thing you have done for someone else is saved Coran Lance, otherwise you were completely selfish, so go do something for us for once in your damned life!” Keith shouts, and Lance looks at the ground, and he had made up his mind. 

“Fine….I’ll take myself to Coran….” Lance says after a few minutes looking completely shattered. 

“L-lance-” 

“It’s fine Shiro….Los amo,” Lance says crying still but repeats it again to them smiling and crying to trying to hide the unbearable pain he was feeling, as he removes Keith’s hand gently leaving a very confused Keith as he repeats those words again to the two fo them leaving them stunned as he runs off to Coran.I

Hunk and Pidge immediately run after Lance while Shiro and Keith stayed behind looking stunned. IT takes Shiro a few minutes to process what had just happened, and slowly he puts the pieces together. 

Lance was in love with both Keith and himself. He hadn’t understood what he had said the first time and brushed it off as something stupid but now he knew how utterly wrong he was. 

“Keith…Lance just said he loved us…” Keith rolls his eyes at Shiro. 

“No, he didn’t he said he only loves one of us and I…I don’t want to be in a relationship like that where there are two people madly in love and I get ignored because that person doesn’t love me too.” Keith says looking at the ground. 

“Keith Los Amo means that he loves us both! He just said I love you both!” Shiro says looking panicked. 

Keith’s eyes widen and he remembers everything he had just said to Lance and starts running towards the medical wing of the castle, Shiro close behind. They cursed themselves for not understanding the first time, for not taking Lance’s feelings into consideration or even asking for a clarification when Lance had confessed, and now they could get there too late, too late to stop him from having the flowers and his love for the two of them to be removed. They prayed that they could make it to LAnce on time to stop him. 

To tell him they were sorry and they hadn’t understood the first time he had said but they knew they felt the same way but were just scared of being left alone if Lance only loved one of them.Their hearts were pounding as they sprinted as fast as their legs could carry them hoping that they would make it to Lance. No, they had to make it to Lance before he did this before he took those godforsaken flowers out of his lungs they just had too. 

They skidded to a stop in the medic bay breathing heavily as their eyes looked up to see Lance already in a healing pod where they knew the flowers were being removed carefully one by one, and they felt their stomachs sink. 

They were too late, and they knew when Lance awoke again��they would love him but he wouldn’t feel the same way, and they both knew that they only had themselves to blame. 

[callicalliope]

Okay so

I did not plan on writing this one, but I feel like I have to share it at this point.

I used to be in a relationship with a guy, let's call him Nathan.

We got together May 2019 after a trip to Budapest. Everything was picture perfect.

Now, I suffer from anxiety, and I was extremely worried of being abandoned as I have been before, but turns out it was not the case with this guy. He was sweet, charming, caring, and he obviously loved me very much.

I went to an other trip, also in Hungary, which he refused to participate in.

While I was there, Nathan's puppy got really sick, turns out she was born with a disease which I cannot explain in English. The puppy died while I was away. Nathan had an arguement with his best friend and cut off contact.

Now, Nathan was always a kind of weird guy. He never really had friends and was extremely antisocial. It was not a problem in itself of course. But when I got home from the trip a week later, I found him severely depressed. He only talked about negative things and often scared me. He told me he was unsure if he even loved me, which wrecked my heart, but I ignored everything and tried to help him the best I could. I did everything a 16 year old could have done in that situation. He refused to get helo, which worried me. He also had some physical problems, but he refused to see a doctor. All in all, he got better sometimes and went downhill again. His mood changed in 0.01 seconds. I ignored everything. I wanted to help him, I loved him. I also noticed that I was unable to bring him along when I was with my friends. When he did show up, he barely talked. It stressed me further, but in the end I let it go, because I knew how it felt. I only had those 3-4 people in my life and I had an extremely hard time making friends.

School started again, he was in his last year (Nathan is one year older than me). He is an extremely smart guy, but he refused to study. I was worried about him, because his parents were rich and he had everything, but that will not be the case forever.

I came over once to tell him that he needs to study and think about his future. He became extremely angry, told me to get out of the house and refused to talk to me. In the end, turns out he was going to break up with me because of this. Anyways, we did not part ways. I went to an exchange student program. When I got home, everything was fine for a few weeks.

There is a school tradition that every 11 grader goes to a trip to Budapest. I was preparing for the trip and asked Nathan to come with me to shop for food. We went by foot, and I accidentally missed a street so we had to walk for 5 more minutes. He became extremely mad and refused to talk to me. It was nighttime and extremely dark, but he turned around and started to walk away. I threw a tantrum and he told me he is breaking up with me. He called me awful names. Well, we talked for hours, turns out he felt like he was too sick for me. So we stayed together once more.

Things got better, and I started to blame myself for everything that happened in the past.

Nathan did not hide some of his awful traits anymore. He lives with his grandma, but he treats her like shit. He yells at him all the time. He also yells at his mother, and it gets physical sometimes. I became terrified of my own boyfriend.

The holidays passed and as Nathan began to show more and more of his true colours, I slowly began to develop some sort of panic disorder. I blamed it on my mother, I was scared of him.

Quarantine came, and I started to feel empty. Like I did not love him anymore. He was angry a lot, too, but I blamed it on the exams.

When the lockdown was lifted, he began to attend classes again. One time my mother allowed me to go to his place after singing class which I attended. Nathan told me to wait for him at his place, but I was anxious about being there alone, so I waited for him at the park. For 2 hours. He was extremely angry, he told me he expected to get home and find his loving girlfriend waiting for him in his bed. Well, he did not speak to me while we walked home, then he shut the door in my face. I had a panic attack, one of the worsts. I knew I could not go home because my mother would not let me meet him again. I stood there, terrified and begging him via texts to let me in because I'm sick, which he refused. I was in an awful state, but I managed to call my best friend and she came to the nearest park to calm me down. He soon forgave me and I did not talk about the accident again.

The summer was awful. He spent it arguing with me and hating on my friends. I tried to conceal everything, but my mom discovered some bits. She couldn't do much so she had to let it go.

It became harder and harder for me to fall asleep. One night I was feeling pretty decent and ready to actually rest, but he told me he needed a break right before bedtime. I was shattered.

Earlier he told me he did not like the fact that I was pansexual, because he felt like I was part of something he was not. So I told him I was no longer that.

He instantly regretted asking for a break and I once again felt pained and powerless.

He threw a tantrum via text during my mom's birthday, ruining my mood. Next day, when we were celebrating with friends and he attended too, he was mad that I did not greet him happily after the incident. He once again wanted to break up.

My mental health was circling down the drain by this point.

He hated my friends. He did not even try to hide it anymore. He even wanted me to drop them, but he was careful to not speak that out loud.

I invited him to another get together and he ruined the mood. He did not talk to anyone and accused me of degrading him when he thought I told something to my best friend. He was also offended by a joke: when my best friend said something about me being stupid in a joking way, my boyfriend agreed, once again joking, so I pretended to be mad and moved from him to her side. He was furious. He argued with me all the way home, calling me awful. He said he was only with me because he did not have other options.

He continued degrading my friends and me. He was also extremely jelaous. He also threw terrifying tantrums. I woke up once to him throwing a printer on the ground, slamming the table, screaming. He even broke a door once. All while perfectly aware that these things triggered my panic attacks. But this was not the worst.

TW: sexual abuse and self harm

After lockdown ended, I allowed him to tie my hands behind once. He became addicted and one day he showed me he purchased objects like a whip etc etc. I was scared, but I also knew he would be mad if I refused, so I instead set boundaries. Sometimes I had to be the dominant one, but most of the time it was him. I did not enjoy either.

On his birthday, he decided there were no boundaries. I do not like pain, I do not like to be hit, I do not like to be degraded, but I tolerated it. But that night was different.

He told me a safe word which was so ridiculous I knew it would ruin his mood, causing him to hurt me more. That night will haunt me.

It gets blurry, but I remember being put against the window, no one could see us, but I saw a car and a man in it. I wanted to scream down for help. I remember crying the whole fuckin time, asking him to stop. I remember collapsing and him getting mad at me for it. I remember nearly breaking my leg. I remember him pulling my short hair behind so much he nearly broke my neck. I remember me finally refusing something and him getting mad, telling me to take over, which I could not, because I was horrified. I remember him getting mad and telling me I ruined his birthday. I remember the pain, the humiliation, the disbelief that this happened to me.

And I hid it. I did not tell anyone. I harmed myself, I had panic attacks, I had anxiety, but I did not tell. He did not have anyone in his life, just me.

In early december, he called me a degenerate bitch, a slut, he said he hopes I'll die. Because I, someone interested in history, told him an other perspective. By this time he became alarmingly anti-woman, anti-anyone who disagreed with him and so much more. I did not dare to tell him when I went out with friends. He was obsessed with being right, and he was suffocating. So he degraded me to this level, and I stormed over, dropped his stuff and broke up with him. He came over and began begging me to take him back. I agreed. I was scared. I was also having a panic attack because my mom thought he might do something to himself.

I fell in love with my classmate in the meantime. It was nothing serious, but being with him comforted me. I knew we could never be together, but I clang onto the feeling and pulled myself together. Three days later he called me names once more for refusing to allow him to call my best friends sluts. I broke up with him again. My mother told me I won't be able to break away from him this way. I decided to change tactics. I reconciled with him and decided to distance myself instead. One thing Nathan is good at is manipulating people.

My birthday was coming up. I celebrated with my family earlier. As I was cleaning the house, my boyfriend texted me. He told me he almost killed his mom. Because of a stupid arguement about cookies. I was horrified. When family came over, I called my aunt to come with me to my room and I I told her everything. She was in an abusive marriage before. She only told me to run. With this courage, I told my father and my uncle (who is like a second father to me). My father was diabolical, nearly crying. I had to block Nathan on every platform. My father told him to never be around me again. So he started harassing me. The night before my birthday he started pulling up the shades, leaving messages that he would come back an hour later. My father threatened him. After my birthday, his mom called us and begged me to visit Nathan. She wanted to get me to go to couple therapy with him. I am only 18. 18.

We had to go there because he began to cut his arms. It was a horrifying sight. But he did not have any serious injuries.

He wanted to coerce me into resuming the relationship 2 months later, saying he would get help. I knew he was not taking his meds. I knew he was lying. And I left. Now, I cannot walk the streets alone.

On New Year's Eve, I got together with another man. I love him. So far, he makes me feel like a real person, a valid person, and I never felt safer than around him. He makes me happy and I feel like crying whenever I think about the fact that this nightmare is over and I can still be loved. It's hard to heal and he understands. And I am truly happy.

Solid advice: do not stay. You are not your lover's psychologist. You help them, you are there for them, but in the end, it is up to them to grow. Have power to let go. Do not let them manipulate you like Nathan manipulated me. And never be afraid to get help, to talk about it.

[sportsfan4748]

2/frightening full of weird & nasty Ass black magic that's full of mentally ill chronic paranoid schizophrenics who are suffering what I've been through over the past 46+ months of shit & abuse & threats & blackmail & garbage treatment from the CIA who are the world's real devil collectively as an entire group of people but on the bright side the CIA as an organizational group of entire collective 50,000 estimated very intelligent & good & decent(probably) men & women who are employees of the CIA likely also are probably the real God from the Holy Bible as well, at least it's possible because the CIA has an incredible array & arsenal of amazing& incredible mind blowing powers in which yes indeed some of the potential powers in which the CIA may lead on that they have the power to do & pull off may in fact just be tricks, f-f-f-foolin' attempts & is CIA deception & manipulative tactics, plots, ploys & schemes in play & the CIA makes almost all of their deception & manipulation tricks of f-f-f-foolin' gullible people of any & all ages a real display of seemingly ingenius incredible feats & real magic that can amaze people & leave people astonished at how the CIA could possibly pull off certain tricks & f-f-f-foolin' attempts on people but in my opinion I wouldn't at all be surprised if the CIA can do many or possibly damn near all of the over 5000 amazing & incredible magic tricks which will blow anyone away with sheer amazement & astonishing incredible talent & wonderfully crafted beauty of the world of magic being perfected by the by far the best & most talented & intelligent magicians on wonderlust & unbelievability possibly really done & pulled off successfully by the CIA in more cases than not of the over 5000 real life fantasy game spells, curses, diseases & cures from all types of mostly played by teenagers fantasy reality board games like Dungeons & Dragons & many other similar type of games played by teenagers & mainly young adults but I'm sure that many older adults are familiar with the Dungeons & Dragons game which I believe has been around in some capacity & available for public game playing since 1977 or so & likely many other similar type of fantasy reality typr of games followed in the years proceeding release of Dungeons & Dragons first edition. I know that the CIA does have some incredibly amazing powers & I know that personally speaking that the CIA has most likely saved my life on probably many more than only a few occasions during my first 47+ years as a boy & man in the real & normal regular world of the Napanee, Ontario, Canada & area & the fake fantasy reality version of a magic filled crazy, goofy, scary & spooky version of the to scale Napanee, Ontario, Canada area which upon a not paying close attention person's eye is quite a bit different in stangeness, oddity, weirdness, spookyness, freaky, goofy, paranoia causing bad actors and/or possibly all either controlled people and/or possibly are all pre-programmed style of crazy weird people who act, talk, move, drive, run, converse, mingle & hang out like a bunch of appeared to be style of human robots who all say things, drive places, drive like, move like, go, do, walk, run, show up, meet up with you by chance(but it isn't by chance, it's pre-set up by the CIA) or that the game player in my shoes who feels like I was in control of myself most of the last 28 months or so & beyond but I know that the CIA controlled me to say, do, act out in anger, rage out, tell dirty jokes, scream at the CIA, cut people up, swear like a drunken sailor who hates being at sea & suffers from sea sickness, be very angry, mean, bitter & pissed off & disappointed but be funnier than I normally am & would normally be as funny & have such a wacky sense of humour like, or perhaps my every spoken, written, yelled, screamed & every dirty joke that I told, every angry outburst, every fit of rage & all of my blow my lid insane goofy nasty swearing rants of cleverly crafted & creatively used display of foul language that spewed out of my dirty split tongued mouth was very..

[myvelouri]

Update:

Well I have hsv-1

That's basically saying I have herpes. Um. I literally haven't been with anyone. The only girl I was with doesn't have it. I asked her back then and she had been tested and everything too.

Um. I kissed a random girl who's name I can't even remember WAY back then. I'm wondering if I got it from that.

So my parents are being retarded and saying oh it's not the "bad one" and oh everyone has it. NAH NIGGA, herpes is fucking herpes. It doesn't matter where .

I'm not totally sure that's the only problem. But maybe. I don't have it on my dick. I basically get these scabs in my nose. You can't always see it. But it's really painful. Sometimes I get a horrible painful fever. And yeah. It's been happening every month.

The doctor is down playing it. Acting like I'm not supposed to freak out. Like, first of all, this fucks up my future possible relationships, this fucks up just having fun, sure, that's all there. But the thing that's really fucking me up is how bad I'm affected when I get this shit coming back, the pain, the fever, being bed ridden. My body can't handle this well.

Apparently 90 percent of the population has hsv. Apparently all of you would test positive for this too.

The doc, a specialist was so unclear. Maybe a bit of a language barrier. I kept asking, so is it MRSA in my nose I keep getting, or herpes.

I'm so angry. When this first happenened, I went to the doctors and adamant about it being herpes. They kept saying it's not. Like hardcore about it not being herpes. They said what I have isn't what herpes does.

So to be fucking honest, I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't FUCKING get it. I just have the bloodwork that says I have hsv-1. Even the doctor said he has that and he would also get a positive result from that. Like. Okay. He said he hasn't had a flare up in 30-49 years.

He's so old fashioned that he said to forget girls. (Lol yeah okay) and forget drinking, drugs and bad friends.

Like dude. I don't do any of that shit. But I'm so young. I'm not forgetting girls. Are you nuts.

He said focus on school and your degree. And get married. BRO I DONT WANT TO BE MARRIED

And for FUCKS sake, I AM focusing on school and working. What the fuck do you think I'm doing here? I'm here because I keep getting sick every month, because I keep getting so ill that I become bed ridden for 3 weeks. EVERY MONTH. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO WORK AND STUDY WITH THAT SHIT HAPPENING. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I haven't been sleeping around or anything to be honest. I've hit on girls but I do that so I can get to know them first. Like, I'm not trying to hit on girls just to fuck and go. I LIKE people, it's not, it's not like I'm trying to just fuckin be a hoe. I try to make friends, if we have sex, we have sex, big deal. But I won't just fuck anybody. And I'm devastated

I'm devastated. Literally everyone I know has sex constantly, new people every month, I swear all my friends are hooking up so much. None of them get any STI or STDs. Me? I was in a relationship for 3+ years, got out, kissed a girl and your telling me I got herpes? LOL.

KILL ME.

I'm such a clean freak too. So I feel disgusting having this. I also have that other virus... But that one will go away, it's not permanent.

I absolutely haven't been with anyone so I don't know how I got that virus either.

Also my back pain hasn't been properly addressed. I don't know what's going on... It's bad. Very bad.

I can't believe the specialist looked at my bloodwork and said everything looks good. Ffs it says I have hsv. He said I have no STDs. This is just fucking WORDS. I have an STI, right? You think I give a fuck if I have a DISEASE over an INFECTION? they're both as bad as one another to me. Ffs this is for life. Apparently the flare ups might stop after a while.

I'm not contagious. I don't have any flare up now. In fact, when I get the scabs, well, last time I had it, it went away in like ten days and it was a lot more mild than before. So I'm hoping it just never comes back again.

I told my family to get tested too. Cause I don't see how I got this. It's absolutely ridiculous and absurd. My luck can't be this bad. Are you kidding me.

Am I gross now?

I am really thinking about suicide and ways to kill myself. This was the last straw. After everything I've had to endure that a lot of people probably wouldn't have by now, with all the extreme bad luck, this? This was a fucking satirical joke I used to say to myself "lol bet I'd have all these sex problems, body problems, health problems, everything but I BET I'LL GET AN STD/STI WITH THE FIRST PERSON I'M WITH LOL" and now it's reality. Are you fucking kidding me.

And don't give me that shit, where I'm being told "well, people live with cancer" FUCK YOU, I've done that my whole life and with every single ailment I've had and CURRENTLY live WITH. I'M DONE GIVING A SHIT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT, OR HOW BAD THEY HAVE IT, I USED TO SAY THAT TO MYSELF. "Man, other people have it worse, I shouldn't complain, I can't." NAH, FUCK THAT. I'M HURTING AND I'M TIRED OF ACTING LIKE IT DOESN'T COUNT -JUST- CAUSE SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE HAS IT WORSE. As if I don't already know. It makes me feel WORSE knowing people are out there having a worse time than me. It does NOTHING to help me, it's just awful. Everything