#if I ever do craft fairs again I think I’d totally make some bags to sell

[tj-crochets]

Beetle bag! Bag of beetles!!!

This might be my favorite one yet, I love how these fabrics look together and this beetle print is just fantastic

[parchmints]

JuLance Day 28 - BIRTHDAY!

Check out my thread on twitter to see all the prompts at once (the tumblr app messes with formatting so I recommend twitter if you’re using mobile)! All prompts connect together to form one overarching story!

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day 28/31 - BIRTHDAY!

Lance’s last day of his week visiting Cuba. 

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LANCE!! Here’s my bday fic for the BEST boy. Hope you all like as we get near the end of this fic! Thanks to��@angst-in-space for the beta!)

Day 28: BIRTHDAY!

It’s Lance’s last full day in Cuba and there’s a knot in his stomach that just won’t go away. He knows he’ll still be able to visit while they’re on Earth, but he’s really liked spending all day with everyone. There’s a part of him--a very small part of him--that wants to take his mamá’s offer and hang up his blue helmet, stay in Cuba forever, but he can’t. He won’t.

“You’re getting all mopey again,” Marco says, snapping Lance out of his daydream. They’re side-by-side, grocery bags in hand, and walking along the pier to the path that leads to their house. Mamá had asked Marco to buy some groceries for tomorrow night (which was admittedly odd--she usually goes grocery shopping once a week and gets everything at once) and Marco had dragged Lance along. Normally, Lance would have resisted, but he’s happy to spend some time with his brother.

Being present has proven difficult, however, as Lance is constantly thinking about his departure tomorrow.

“Oh. Sorry, Marco. I’m just--”

“Sad you’re leaving?” Marco asks, his usual smirk faltering.

“Yeah…”

“Well, I mean, you’re gonna come and have dinner with us all the time, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re probably gonna have some time off too. You said it was probably gonna take a while to build the castle, so we have time.”

“No, yeah,” Lance says, frowning, “I know. I’m just...it’s been a really great week, y’know?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

As Lance and Marco sink into silence on their evening walk, Lance’s cell phone vibrates in his jacket pocket. Lance slips the grocery bag handle from his hand to his wrist and fishes out his phone, already fairly certain who’s contacting him.

Keith <<5:54 PM>>

Hey, Lance. Don’t want to interrupt your time with your family, but I know you’re probably pretty bummed since it’s your last night in Cuba and I thought I’d check in on you.

<<5:54 PM>>

!!!! awww!!! babe!! that’s so sweet ur so tjoughtful <3 <3 <3

Keith <<5:55 PM>>

Ugh. Stop.

<<5:55 PM>>

BABE BABE BABE BABE BABE

Keith <<5:55 PM>>

YOU’RE THE WORST

<<5:56 PM>>

:P youll learn to like it

Keith <<5:56 PM>>

…

Keith <<5:56 PM>>

Maybe.

Keith <<5:56 PM>>

Well, I’ll let you go. Have fun. I’m excited to see you tomorrow.

<<5:57 PM>>

thnx!! me too!! love you xox

Keith <<5:57 PM>>

…

Keith <<5:56 PM>>

Love you too.

“Ugh, oh my god, stop! I can feel you being gross from over here,” Marco says, groaning. “Put the phone away before I get secondhand cavities.”

Lance’s cheeks heat from Marco calling him out, but the dopey grin that plastered itself on his face since he saw the text is still firmly in place.

“Shut up,” Lance says, slipping his phone back in his pocket, his mood ten times lighter.

“Nuh uh. Until I get myself a cute girlfriend, you’re fair grounds for teasing, bro,” Marco says, swinging his grocery bags back and forth. “But it’s going well? You and Keith?”

Lance’s eyes stray to the ground at the question, his grin fading into a smaller, softer smile. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s going well.”

In fact, it’s going very well. Kind of better than Lance’s wildest dreams, if he’s honest. It’s only been a few days since they confessed to each other, but it already feels like they’ve found something good. Something that will last.

After they got together, they both agreed Keith should stay in Arizona while Lance finished his vacation with his family. They both knew they’d distract each other and Lance still has a lot more time Keith when compared to the time he has in Cuba, so they both thought it was for the best. It’s been a little hard because now that Lance has a boyfriend he wants to see him all the time and do all the fun boyfriend stuff he gets to do now, but he reminds himself that there’s a time and place for that.

And now isn’t that time and Cuba isn’t that place.

Cuba is for family.

Lance has been spending the past couple days hanging out with everyone--facials with Veronica, early morning fishing with papá, guitar practice with Luís, practicing his French with Marise, arts and crafts with Diana, Hilario, and Ana, and of course, big family dinners every night.

He’s going to miss those the most. With everyone so busy all the time, it’s the one place they all get to be together and it’s something mamá insists upon. No matter what, the McClains eat their dinner together.

Lance has never been more grateful for that rule.

Finally, they reach home, the sun starting its descent towards the horizon and Lance feels a pang of loneliness shoot through his chest. Tonight’s his last dinner with them all for who knows how long and it weighs heavy on him.

They climb the porch steps to the front door and Marco nods for him to go ahead. Lance does so without question and opens the door.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!”

There’s a flash, a series of loud popping sounds, streams of color, the whir of kazoos, and Lance is very, very confused.

He blinks rapidly trying to absorb the scene in front of him, but it’s all so overwhelming.

“Oh man, look at his face!” a voice says. Pidge?

“Oh, we totally got him. We got him so good!” another voice answers. Hunk?

After a few seconds, Lance finally understands what’s happening--his entire family is in the hall with the entire team and they’re all looking at him with big smiles and mischievous eyes. In the back of the large group is Hunk and Luís holding up a large banner that says “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LEANDRO!” in finger paints and Lance can tell it was made by Hilario and Ana with Diana’s supervision.

“I--it’s September!” he says, incredulous and they all laugh at him.

“Oh, we know, we know,” his mamá says with an unbothered wave, “but we missed two of your birthdays while you were in space so we wanted to make up for lost time.”

“Aww mamá, you didn’t have to do that.”

“We wanted to!” she says, coming over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Happy birthday, mijo.”

Lance smiles at her and then looks to his team members. “How did you guys get here? I didn’t see a Lion.”

“We all took Green and I put on cloaking while we rode in and parked far away,” Pidge says, looking smug. “I’m a genius.”

“Seriously?! Who even told you guys?”

Marco steps away and walks over to Keith, casually leaning his arm on Keith’s shoulder. “Keith and I coordinated the whole thing! We missed twice the birthdays so we need twice the people to make up for it.”

Lance beams at Keith and sends him the biggest smile he can manage, which Keith returns. He quickly looks away, however, as they haven’t told the rest of the team about their relationship yet and they don’t want it to be exposed before they’re ready to tell them themselves.

“Aww, you guys! That’s awesome, I’m so happy. It’s so cool that you’re all here,” Lance says, beaming at them.

Shiro roughly puts his hand on Lance’s shoulder and gives it a little squeeze. “We wouldn’t miss it, Lance.”

“Yes! Plus, Hunk informed us that your household’s cuisine is to be revered which I am glad to hear because so far, Earth food has been...not what I expected,” Allura says.

“Yeah, ‘cause you’ve been eating standard issue Garrison food,” Hunk says. “I’ve only ever had Lance’s mom’s home cooked empanadas the day after and man, I dreamed about those puppies for weeks.”

“Oh, Hunk, you’re so sweet,” Lance’s mamá says, blushing at the praise.

“Yeah, they’re really good,” Keith agrees.

“Alright, alright! Enough!” Veronica says with a sigh. “Let’s eat them already before they get cold.”

Dinner is...an experience. They’re all crowded onto the McClain family table, elbows bumping elbows, plates only centimeters apart, and every extra chair in the house being squeezed in. There’s so much conversation happening, Lance can hardly follow it. Hunk is talking to mamá about her family recipes, Shiro is talking to Luís and papá about his arm, Pidge and Marise are prattling away about genius stuff, and Coran has Marco, Veronica, and Allura swept up in a story about the former Paladins. Marco and Veronica listen to him with rapt attention, but based on the identical line between their brows, they’re also very confused.

Lance sits at the center of the table, talking and chiming in to as many conversations as he can, while Keith sits beside him. They’re all so squeezed in that no one notices that they’re holding hands and that Keith is gently brushing Lance’s thumb underneath the table.

And it’s a bittersweet feeling. He’s not sure if he’s ever felt happier, surrounded by both his blood family and space family, but there’s a subtle sadness to it because he’s not sure when this will ever happen again, this incredible clashing of his worlds. Soon, he’s going to have to leave one family to be with the other, but all he wants is to just live in this moment forever with all of them.

Don’t worry about that now, he thinks. Enjoy it while it lasts.

There’s cake--of course, there’s cake. Luís brings it out with a big grin and it’s probably the ugliest, greatest cake Lance has ever seen in his life. It’s two-tiered but the layers are uneven, so it slants and it’s covered in baby blue icing with little icing doodles of the Red and Blue Lions on the sides. The amount of candles on the thing is probably illegal and they’re a glittering mess of sparklers and regular wax ones. It’s a total mess, but if Luís baked it, Lance knows it’s going to be delicious.

Hilario whoops and yells, “CAKE!” as soon as he sees it and the rest of the adults “ooh” and “ahh” as it comes in. Luís places the cake right in front of Lance, squeezing himself past a long line of chairs, and Lance can feel the heat of the lit candles radiating from it.

“Alright!” Luís says, clapping Lance on the shoulders before grabbing a guitar he tucked away in the corner of the room. “Let’s sing Happy Birthday to Lancito before we burn the house down.”

Luís strums his guitar and starts the song, his full-bodied voice filling the room, and the rest all jump in. Nobody’s on pitch (as it should be) and they’re not quite in sync as Allura and Coran are learning as they go, but Lance is grinning just the same. And as awkward as being sung to may feel usually, today it just fills him up with so much happiness, so much gratefulness, so much love that a lump forms in his throat.

Oh my god, no. You are not gonna cry, you sap, he tells himself. Luckily, his body listens to him and he’s able to swallow down the emotion. He feels Keith give his hand a squeeze under the table and Lance flashes him a quick smile. Keith’s eyes are soft and sweet when they catch Lance’s and his whole torso flutters at the sight of them. When he turns back, Shiro is wearing a knowing smirk, and, embarrassed, Lance quickly looks back to Luís as he finishes the song.

Of course, Keith told Shiro, he thinks, a little annoyed, but the feeling passes quickly.

“--Happy birthday to youuu!” they all finish with hollers as Luís strums his guitar erratically. Hilario has started listing all the birthday channel additions he remembers--”and a big fat lady on channel 80! And Scooby Doo on channel two!”--and Lance’s papá pats his shoulder next to him.

They all watch Lance as he halfway stands from his seat to reach the candles and with a brief moment of introspection, Lance closes his eyes and makes a wish.

I wish...I wish that I’ll get to spend the rest of my life with these people.

Lance takes an exaggerated, cartoony inhale and with all the power his lungs can muster, he blows out the ridiculous amount of candles on the cake. The sparklers don’t go out, but all the wax ones do and from all sides of him Lance hears cheers and clapping.

He sits back down and he’s met with dozens of bright eyes and happy smiles staring back at him.

And it’s in this moment that Lance’s eyes water--he’s too overcome with the weight of his gratefulness to be here, to be surrounded by the most important people in his life, at least for one night, that his emotions get the better of him.

He’ll never forget this night--the one where he was surrounded by all the people he loves most in the world--the universe--and the people who love him back just as much.

And there’s no better birthday present than that.

[swanqueeneverafter]

After The Sunset, Pt.31

Wonderland. Marketplace. (In an attempt to mend relationships after the events beneath the dark cloud, Queen Tiana, at the suggestion of Will Scarlett, declared that beer would be given to everyone to celebrate. So, after much drinking and merriment, the streets are littered with villagers sleeping off the effects of the previous day. The occasional snore, the clucking of chickens, and the tinkling of wind chimes in the breeze echo through the quiet streets. Suddenly, all the background noises fall silent. The only sound coming from footsteps made by a tall dark figure. Winding her way through the sleeping villagers, the Jabberwocky chooses one as her target. Walking over to a slumbering man, she leans down and blows into his ear, causing the man to jerk awake.) Jabberwocky: "Did I wake you? (In the next moment, she is behind him:) Going somewhere? Not so fast. (She beckons him closer with a curl of her finger:) Tell me where to find more heroes. I have quite a few of them locked away safely in my collection but, you see, I'd like the full set. (Puts her arm around him:) Or would you rather talk about your two children, who are being bathed by their mother in the river as we speak? (Gasps:) 'How quickly can she get there?' you're wondering. 'How will she kill them?' 'Will she have mercy on the baby?' The answers are very fast, very slow, and no. I don't care much for babies." Man: "Please." Jabberwocky: "Shh. Jabber, jabber, jabber. All you people do is jabber. The heroes, where are they?" Man: "They were here, but I don't know where they went. (The Jabberwocky turns the man’s head and whispers something into his ear:) Please... please don't kill me." Jabberwocky: "You misunderstand. I don't have to kill you, because you're already scared to death." (The Jabberwocky releases the man, stands and walks away as he falls to the ground, dead.)

Enchanted Forest. (Rumplestiltskin and Hook stand talking, now dressed in clothing less likely to raise an eyebrow in The Land Without Magic.) Hook: "So do you have any idea where to look for them?" Rumplestiltskin: "Paris." Hook: "Paris?" Rumplestiltskin: "Yes, it's where Belle and I... well, it's where I told them to go when Drizella and the Jabberwocky still held Belle and Gideon captive." Hook: "But why Paris?" Rumplestiltskin: "It's a beautiful city for a honeymoon. Look, the point is, the Jabberwocky wanted Emma and Regina gone, so I convinced them to go. All we need do now, is find them." Hook: "Alright, well let's get going. (Pulls the magic bean from his pocket:) I have this." Rumplestiltskin: "A magic bean won't help us here. You can't use magic to enter a world where magic doesn't exist." Hook: (Looking down at the bean:) "Ah." Rumplestiltskin: "But hold onto it, we may need it for our journey back." (Hook nods and puts the bean back in his pocket as Robin and Alice approach.) Robin: "Wherever you're going, we're coming with you." Rumplestiltskin: "No, you're not." Robin: "Emma and Regina are my aunts. Henry is my cousin, so I have as much right to go as either of you." Hook: "That may be so, but Alice-" Alice: "No, please, I have to come. It's my fault Henry is... wherever he is. I have to help get him back." Rumplestiltskin: (Sighs:) "Very well, but I warn you, Regina may react badly once she learns the truth of what happened." Robin: (Places a reassuring hand on Alice's shoulder:) "I can handle Aunt Regina." Hook: (Rubbing his hands together:) "Now that that's settled, you two will be needing a change of clothes for where we're going." Summer Palace. (David and Snow White arrive at the Summer Palace.) David: (Looking around:) “Snow, this is amazing.” Snow White: “It's been so long since I've been here. Since anyone has. Oh, I miss this place.” (Shaking herself from her memories, Snow White walks over and uncovers a storage box and takes out a quill of arrows, a bowstring and Prince Charming's sword.) David: “So, what exactly is the plan?” Snow White: “When I was a little girl, the palace servants used to tell stories about a fearsome creature that lived in a nearby cave.” David: “What kind of creature?” Snow White: “The kind, that if you were to look into her eyes, she would turn you into stone. They call her Medusa.” David: “And you thought what? That we could turn the Jabberwocky into stone somehow? By capturing this Medusa?” Snow White: “No, no. By cutting off her head.” David: “And what? Sending it in a box?” Snow White: “I haven't gotten that far yet, but if I have the head, we just need to make the Jabberwocky look at her for a moment to turn her into stone. And I can figure that out part after I have the head.” David: “Well, half a plan is better than no plan. Let’s do this.” (Snow White hands him the sword and they leave the Summer Palace.)

Hook's Hideout. (Hook leads Alice, Robin & Rumplestiltskin to his place by the sea.) Hook: “My old hideout. I-I know. It's a bit cluttered. But it is beachfront property.” Alice: “This looks like the inside of my tower. Only on the ground, and by the sea.” Rumplestiltskin: “Can we get to the solution you promised? Because all I see is a cave where booze goes to perish.” Hook: “Truth is, this is where I came to do the same. Whenever I had a falling out with Mal or Lily... or both of them. (Opening a box, Hook pulls out a conch and blows into it. With a large splash of water, Ariel arrives upon a rock. Smiling:) Ariel.” Ariel: “It’s been awhile since I last saw you, Captain. (Notices Rumplestiltskin:) Look out! The Dark One!” (Ariel holds up her trident, but Rumplestiltskin uses his magic to shrink it before any damage is done.) Rumplestiltskin: (To Hook:) “Perhaps you should bring your fish-tailed friend up to speed.” Hook: “Uh, short version, Ariel, he’s no longer the Dark One and we’re sort of friends now.” Rumplestiltskin: “The truth is, I'm here to help rid the world of a threat far worse than the Dark One ever was.” Hook: “Really?” Rumplestiltskin: (Defensively:) “She’s had far longer to perfect her craft.” Hook: (Under his breath:) “Apparently several hundred years wasn’t enough. (To Ariel:) We were hoping that you might be able to give us an advantage. We need to travel to a land without magic and the fastest creatures in all the realms that can do that are-” Ariel: “Mermaids. I’d like to help, but what am I supposed to do, (Glances over at Robin and Alice, who wave to her:) carry the four of you on my back?” Rumplestiltskin: "Actually, that won't be a problem. I trust you still carry your bag filled with treasures? (Ariel nods:) Lovely. I'll shrink the four of us down, and, if you'd be so kind, you'll take us inside your bag-" Robin: "Under the sea?" Rumplestiltskin: "Precisely."

(Without further delay, Rumplestiltskin uses his powers to shrink himself, Hook, Robin and Alice while Ariel begins emptying her bag to make room for them.) The Enchanted Forest. (In the forest, Prince Charming hacks away at branches as he and Snow White venture towards Medusa's hideout.) Snow White: “According to the legend, Medusa's cave shouldn't be much farther.” David: “Huh. If Medusa could turn her victims into stone, is there any way to lift the curse; turn them back into flesh and blood?” Snow White: “The only way to free Medusa's victims is to kill Medusa.” David: “And no one's figured out how to do that.” Snow White: “She's immortal.” David: “So cutting off her head won't—” Snow White: “Well, it won't kill her. It'll just make it easier to turn the Jabberwocky into stone. (Walking a little further they spot the entrance to Medusa’s lair:) This is it.” (Readying themselves, they enter the tunnels through the stone archway.) The Land Without Magic. Disneyland. Paris. (Regina stands with her arm around 'The Beast', posing as if to rip his heart out of his chest, for a photograph that Emma is taking on her phone.) Emma: (Smiling:) "Got it. Thank you, Beast." Regina: (Rejoining her wife:) "Well, that's got to be one of the more flattering depictions of Rumplestiltskin I've seen." Emma: "That's not who he's supposed to be." Regina: "It's the beast from Belle's story, right?" Emma: "Well, yeah..." Regina: "So, that is Rumplestiltskin." Emma: (Chuckles:) "Whatever you say." Regina: "So what's next?" Emma: (Looking at her map of the park:) "Hm, let's see. We've done 'Peter Pan's Flight'." Regina: "How these people see that arrogant adolescent as the hero, I'll never know." Emma: (Nudges Regina with her shoulder, playfully:) "Compared to Captain Hook?" Regina: (Considers:) "Hm. Fair point." Emma: "We've been to 'It's A Small World'." Regina: "Ugh. How cloyingly quaint was that? Remind me never to book us a cruise around the realms." Emma: (Laughs:) "That's a deal. Oh, there's 'Pirates of the Carribean'? (At Regina's withering look:) Okay, moving right along... We could try 'Phantom Manor'?" Regina: "What's that one about?" Emma: "I think it's supposed to be some sort of haunted house." Regina: (Looking at the map, scoffs:) "The Sorcerer's Mansion looks scarier than that. Next." Emma: "There's always 'Space Mountain'?" Regina: "Isn't that a roller coaster?" Emma: "Yeah, but it'll be fun! (When Regina seems unsure:) C'mon, you can hold my hand the whole time, and it's in total darkness so no one will even know who's screaming." Regina: (Laughs:) "I have never screamed in my entire life." Emma: "So what's the harm? Go on, Gina. I know you'll love it." Regina: "Hm. Alright." Emma: (Beams:) "Great!" (Suddenly giddy with excitement, Emma grabs Regina's hand and pulls her toward the queue for 'Space Mountain'.)

Enchanted Forest. Tavern. Recent Past. (Hook walks into a port-side tavern and is immediately welcomed by Smee.) Smee: "Captain. Is it really you?" Hook: (Shaking his hand:) "Mr. Smee. It's been too long." Smee: "That it has. In fact, the men and I were wondering when we'd set sail again." Hook: "Well, as much as I miss the open seas, I'm just visiting. I came for a quick libation before my date with Maleficent." Ahab: (From across the tavern:) "So, the rumours are true. (Stands, walks towards Hook:) Captain Hook has gone soft. (Scoffs:) The legendary Captain Hook. (Tips his hat:) Well, it's nice to finally meet you. And, you know, people, they always tell me that I am what you used to be, huh?" Hook: "No, I'm what I used to be, mate." Ahab: (Laughs, draws his sword:) "Care to prove it?" Hook: "Well, look, I'm not interested in fighting. I just came here to-" Ahab: "Settle your nerves before your big date, yes I heard. Pathetic really." Hook: "You know, I have heard about you. Ahab, isn't it? (Ahab bows:) They say you're currently in possession of Maui's Fishhook." Ahab: (Chuckles:) "That's true. (Ahab's first mate holds up the fishhook:) But no washed-up former pirate is gonna take it from me." Hook: “Careful with those threats, lad. If you really know who I am, then you know how this will end. Anyway, I'm not interested in bloodshed. I see you have a taste for the dice. Now, how about we place a wager, right? Your magical fish barb for, let's say, the Jolly Roger herself?” A Short Time Later. (Ahab and Hook stand at opposite ends of a table. Smee is officiating.) Smee: “Three dice. One roll. And may the best captain win.” (Ahab grabs the cup from Smee’s hand and makes the first roll.) Hook: “Oh. That's quite a toss. It's gonna be hard to beat that. But, Lady Luck has been on my side before. (Hook takes the cup and rolls the dice. He rolls three ‘6′s and wins. Laughing:) Well, come on, then. (The first mate takes the bag off his shoulder and hands it over. To Ahab:) Sorry, mate. I hope you have better luck with that white fish of yours. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a previous engagement.” (Hook picks up the bag containing the fishhook and heads for the door.)

Ahab: “You may be lucky, but you're no pirate anymore. I see right through you.” Hook: “I'm sorry?” Ahab: “You see, that white whale keeps me sharp. But you? I heard that you gave up your crocodile.” Hook: “Don't believe everything you hear.” Ahab: “People are talking, saying that Hook lost his edge.” Hook: (Holds up the bag:) “You want to know what I’m going to use this is for? I'm gonna use it to kill the Dark One. Believe me, I never lose sight of what matters most.” Ahab: "Well, I don't believe you. I'm calling you on your lie, Captain. I mean, not only are you not going to kill the Dark One, but you're going to see a woman who kept your own daughter from you. Tell me, what's her name? Lily?” Hook: (Finally draws his sword:) “Don't you mention her name. Don't you ever mention her name! You want to see the real me? Then I'm happy to oblige.” Ahab: “Oh, no, no, no, no. (Chuckles:) Not here. I want people to see me defeat you. By that, I mean a duel, in public in the light of day. You see, I think it's time that everyone sees the Hook that I see.” Hook: “It's a duel you want, hmm? Oh, it's a duel you'll get. Pistols in the town square. One hour.” The Land Without Magic. Present. Disneyland Paris. (Having survived the rides, Emma and Regina find themselves at Disney Village. Regina is seated, taking a sip of her drink when a young girl dressed as Snow White skips by.) Regina: (Frowning:) "Seriously?" (Across the way, Emma is trying on hats at one of the gift shops.) Emma: (Calling out:) "Hey, Regina. How about this one?" (Turning her attention to her wife, Regina laughs heartily at the sight of Emma in a pirate hat.) Alice: (Appearing beside her:) "Glad we caught you in a good mood!" Regina: (Startled, Regina spills her drink:) "What the- (Alice lifts her mask:) Alice? What are you doing here?" Alice: "We've come to bring you home." Regina: "Who's we?" Rumplestiltskin: (Sitting on her left side, doused in Regina's drink:) "That would be me." Emma: (Walking over with Hook and Robin:) "And them. What's this about?" Rumplestiltskin: (Shakes his head:) "Not here. We need someplace discreet." Regina: (Nods:) "Come with us."

[higuchimon]

[fanfic] Rebirth of Kaiser:  Chapter 10

Yuusuke tapped on Ryou’s door, waiting patiently for his friend to open it. Sometimes these days he had to fight to remember that they weren’t going to classes or out shopping or whatever it was they’d done in the years between his return and when Hell Kaiser succumbed to his heart issues. The fact that the door he knocked on wasn’t anything like the doors at Duel Academia or Ryou’s apartment helped.

There were still moments where if he let his thoughts slip away, he found himself on the verge of mentioning class or the grocery list, however. So far he hadn’t slipped. But there could be that day.

Ryou opened the door, nodding in greeting. Yuusuke saw the traveling cloak he’d wrapped around himself.

“Going somewhere?”

“The market. Did you want to come?” Ryou asked, tilting his head a small touch.

Yuusuke blinked in thought before he nodded. Ryou mentioned going to one of the markets and how it would help to know something about the bartering system used there. Whenever he’d had the time since then – it had been days since he’d arrived in the village – he’d worked hard to develop little items that would be useful around here, and for potential trading.

“Let’s go.” Ryou closed the door and settled a small jewel into a crack in one of the stones that made up his home. Yuusuke had crafted that one himself; it would bar anyone from entering the place while Ryou was gone.

Yuusuke hadn’t come over with plans to head out for any length of time, but it only took him a few minutes to nip back to his home and pick up the small items he wanted to deal with. Catching up to Ryou also took little time and the two of them headed out of the village together.

“Where’s Honest?” Ryou asked curiously, once the two of them were out of sight of the stockade walls. Yuusuke glanced back for a second.

“Visiting his brother. I gather they have a lot to catch up on.” It had been a long time since they’d seen one another, counting from when Honest crossed between dimensions to befriend a very young and very scared little boy.

Ryou nodded. The two of them walked in silence for a short time, until they were in a long stretch of the path where no one could listen in without them being aware of it. Ryou caught Yuusuke’s attention, one eyebrow cocked up for a quick moment: a silent question that he knew the answer to.

He knew so much of what Ryou wanted to know, but he asked a question for himself first.

“Have you remembered anything new?”

Ryou gathered his thoughts in silence. “Last night I had a dream. I saw a dragon: a powerful, metallic dragon. I don’t remember the name, but I knew it. And it knew me.”

“How many heads did it have?” Yuusuke wondered. He wasn’t surprised to see the way Ryou looked at him when he asked the question.

“Only one. Why?”

Yuusuke shook his head. “If you’re remembering that, then you’ll remember the rest of it sooner or later. We can’t rush this.”

A faint flicker of annoyance crossed through Ryou’s eyes but he said nothing to argue the point. Their agreement to have Ryou recover what memories he could on his own before Yuusuke told him everything that he knew remained.

He’d almost forgotten how stubborn Ryou could be, in all fairness. But the last few days reminded him of it vividly. Ryou would drag every scrap of memory that his mind held out of the deepest depths of himself before he truly asked for help, no matter how much he might want it.

If he’s remembering Cyber Dragon, he might remember more. He’d spoken that first day of a point that could be used to spring forward to other memories. His Cyber deck had always been important to Ryou. It wasn’t a surprise that was one of the first to return.

“Did you just dream about that? The dragon?” Yuusuke had to remind himself not to use the name. He had to remind himself of quite a few things now that he lived near to Ryou again.

I think I want him to remember as much as he wants to remember. It would make talking to him so much easier.

“I was… fighting someone, I think.” Ryou’s eyes fell to his left arm before his gaze rose again. “I don’t remember it very well. But it was very familiar. As if I’d done it before.”

Yuusuke considered for a heartbeat before he spoke. “You have. Many, many times.” How often had he seen Ryou dueling with that deck? Then again with the deck he’d built after his return? Even he couldn’t remember. Only that it had been so much, and no matter what deck he used, Ryou would always be amazing when he stood against an opponent as strong or stronger than he was.

Ryou turned his look toward the road ahead of them. Yuusuke recalled seeing that look on his face many times before, always when he searched for some answer that he didn’t have.

“I’ve had a few other dreams. I don’t remember them all in any real detail. But I think I lived in a palace once. Or something very like a palace.”

Yuusuke didn’t have to think about that. “It wasn’t a palace. It was where we went to school. We were both in the highest ranked dorm.” His lips curved briefly. “Some people would call it a palace, though.” Matters had changed since their day, but Obelisk Blue being the most impressive of the three dorms hadn’t.

Ryou fell back into silence for a brief span of time. Yuusuke made up his mind.

“It’s called Duel Academia. There are three dorms: Osiris Red, Ra Yellow, and Obelisk Blue. Things are different now, but when we were there, Osiris Red was considered the least of the dorms, and Obelisk Blue the greatest.”

He chose his words with care. Ryou wanted to remember on his own, at least as much as he could, but Yuusuke wasn’t talking about his past. He was talking about a place he’d been as a teenager. The fact it happened to be a place Ryou had also been was irrelevant at the moment.

He wasn’t at all surprised to see Ryou drinking in every single word.

Ryou wanted to think that hearing about this unlocked other memories. Yuusuke spoke of dorm buildings, of lessons and teachers, of adventures that the two of them and someone else – he barely mentioned there was a third to their group and he wouldn’t say the name but what he’d said made it clear regardless – experienced.

Unfortunately, the stories couldn’t last forever. Yuusuke, it seemed, had barely spent a year there before something happened to him. What it was he refused to say in detail, and Ryou suspected he would have to bring up those other memories all on his own.

He’d always expected no less. He wanted to talk to someone who knew him and his past and could tell him of who he’d been in a matter of moments. But now that he’d met someone who could do that to some extent, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wanted to regain himself on his own, at least as much as he could.

“How long will it take to get there?” Yuusuke asked a short time after he’d reached the end of his brief collection of tales.

“We’ll be there tomorrow. It’s not that far.” At least not by the standards of those who had to walk. Those who could fly would have made it that very afternoon. Fly or ride or do something that wasn’t walking.

Yuusuke nodded; he didn’t look very happy about it. He’d mentioned other means of transportation that his world had, and they did sound as if they would be much faster than this. Some of them conjured up images that he wasn’t certain of, but which did feel far more familiar than he thought they had a right to be.

For the moment, however, he let those slip to the back of his mind. They’d already walked for hours, and it was time for lunch. Ryou chose a mossy rock by the side of the path, near a trickling stream, and settled down there, Yuusuke joining him.

“I stop here when I’m going to the market,” he said as he dug into his bag for the food he’d packed. “I like it.”

It was one of the rare places he’d ever encountered where he felt as if he’d seen it before. Every now and then his attention strayed to the far side of the stream and he often wondered what there could be over there. He’d never gone there; he preferred sticking to the trip and not wasting time. But there were several times he found himself tempted to make a trip that way, just to see what might be there.

That day would not be today. Today he intended to get some of the better teas available, as well as check for dueling cards – again, though he refused to expect anything to catch his attention. The more he’d spoken with Yuusuke, and a few words dropped by both Honest and Shine Angel, the more he suspected that he’d had a deck before, and for whatever reason, it hadn’t crossed over with him.

Which meant the best person he could ask about it would be Juudai. If anyone knew where his deck had ended up, it could very well be him.

Perhaps when Juudai turned up again, he would ask about it. Juudai departed their world the night that he’d brought Yuusuke there. He’d never said when he’d return, but Ryou knew he would, sooner or later. He would be patient. It wasn’t as if he had many options.

Yuusuke nibbled on the small loaf of bread Ryou gave him, his gaze roaming all around, fascinated as Ryou himself had been on his own first trip here. He said nothing, his mouth full, but the longer he looked, the more hints of worry slid into his expression.

Ryou glanced around as well, not surprised to feel a faint hint of wariness creeping up through his shoulders.

“Someone’s watching,” he murmured, trying to get some sort of feel on where the sensation came from. He’d chosen this place not just for the view but for the fact that grass spread out in every direction from here. The nearest trees were too far away for anyone to lurk in there and be able to hear them talk, not unless they yelled at the top of their lungs. That wasn’t an option for either of them.

Yuusuke nodded, his own wariness not having eased for a moment. He closed his eyes and his lips moved, whatever he said too low for Ryou to hear. Ryou had seen him doing this before over the last few days: this was shadow magic. There were shadows almost everywhere, to some degree or other.

A shadow mage, such as Yuusuke, could learn a great deal from those shadows.

Ryou waited. He tried hard not to look as if he were especially interested in anything, glancing up the path that led to the market. He didn’t want to be interrupted. It annoyed him if he were interrupted.

Yuusuke’s fingers brushed against the back of his hand, drawing his attention back there. He still said nothing, but he glanced over to the far side of the stream. Ryou checked out the area, gaze eventually coming to rest on a rock on that side. It was about as big as the one they were sitting on, and as far as he could tell, it was just a rock, nothing more.

But he trusted Yuusuke’s magic and more, he trusted Yuusuke himself.

“I’ve never been over there,” he said. “I plan to one day, but not today.” Ryou tilted his head back to check the position of the sun. “I think it’s time to go.”

Whatever was over there wouldn’t be able to leave while they were there, and unless it could become invisible, they might be able to see it when it did. Ryou found himself anticipating whatever would happen. Whatever it was, it would be something interesting, and perhaps he could even learn a few more points about what had been his life before.

To Be Continued

Notes: I am having far more fun with this than you can imagine.

[wilwywaylan]

"You know I'd never refuse anything you asked of me." - Yuki / Misha (maybe FE version ?)

Misha had joined their weird little groupe for two days now, and after his rambuctious entrée en scène, his presence was... quite subdued. To be honest, there was enough chaos aroud with Pasiphaé ragtag bunch of misfits that anything short of a giant dragon or a whole marching band could have walked through the camp unnoticed, but... But even in a more discreet (and less crazy) compagny, he would have seemed particularly silent and restrained. Walking silently around, talking in a low voice, sitting quietly by the fire... the opposite of at least half the company. And opposite of everything Yuki was expecting from someone his side who introduced himself after killing two persons without batting an eye. She thought that her newfound bodyguard would sit with the others, drinking ale and half-yelling songs, stories or whatnot. Instead, he was sitting near the fire, a book in his hand, only moving to turn a page from time to time. When someone passed by and spoke to him, he answered politely, chatting a bit before going back to his reading.

And that was... Weird. Very Weird. More than that, it was contrary to everything Yuki had learnt about how people worked. Random mercenaries didn't fall from the sky to swear an oath of protection. Tall, muscular men didn't sit around, a book in their lap, like any scholar. Either they tried to fight anything that moved, boasted their own strength and tried to score with any lady around ("what a vile expression !"), or they sat sullenly, draped in their morgue, sneering at anyone daring disturbing them.

But Misha was different. He wasn't boasting, or looking at others from atop a high horse. He was curiously friendly, amiable even. And he was the most gentlemany person Yuki had ever met. Even when meeting her, he had proved himself to be perfectly polite, offering her his hand to help her get down from the wall she had climbed, when he was covered with blood. Other people's blood. Other people who he just killed to reach her. And then announce her that he was here to escort her and protect her from anyone who would want to hurt her. That a couple of her grandfather's old friends had decided to pay a mercenary a huge quantity of cold, to send him on the road looking for a small lady and whisk her away from the dreadful fate that awaited her. That... was stuff direct out of a fairy tale. Straight out of those stories Lady Pasiphaé liked to sing and her weird companion liked to tell. Then again, he didn't really have the profile of a dashing prince coming on his white horse to rescue the lady of his dreams. Did he even have dreams ? About her, she meant. Did he have something in mind, other than the money he had recieved to protect her ? THen again, that money probably didn't cover the gentleman part, and he didn't *have* to treat her like a lady. Then again.... that was a real headache.

She looked at him, long and hard. Sitting near a group, near enough to seem included, but with a little distance to be left alone. Menthe and Shizuka just threw her knowing glances and went back, one to her bow, the other to his book. She settled to mend a few tears and wears in some clothes, but she kept glancing at him over her work. He seemed pretty fascinated by his book, which made her task of studying him discreetly easier. He was... really an unusual sight. No one had hair as red as his, not even Lady Pasiphaé. It was almost blood red, highlighted gold by the dancing flames near him.

And one would have thought that wearing an eyepatch would have hindered his ability to fight, but Yuki had been a witness of his skills, and knew that he was as deadly as anyone with both eyes. The remaining eye was an amber color, cold as a stone when glaring at someone who was standing in his path. But Yuki had found that it became softer when looking at their other friends, and maybe at her too, but that wasn't something she wanted to assume.

And then, there was the teeth. She thought she was mistaken at first, but no. Misha's teeth were very white, very straight, and very, very pointy. It made him look... alien, like not totally human (and maybe he wasn't, after all). Every word he sad sounded... dangerous. Menacing. But not when he was talking to someone he seemed to like. Then they looked harmless, without their threatening glint.

As for the rest... Well... He was everything a mercenary should be. Muscular, but not overbuilt, with strong hands that looked like they could fold a sword in two as easily as a twig. Sturdy leather clothes in earthy tones, a large belt with a sword hanging, some well-dented armor pieces covering his shoulders and arms. Right now, said armor pieces were in the hands of [...] who was trying to fix them a little. Giving her a perfect view of his muscles, of course. She would have enjoyed the view very much, was it not for the voice at the back of her head. A voice that sounded a lot like her grandfather's, hissing endlessly that women who looked at men with lust in their eyes were whores, tramps, and would end up pregnant outside marriage, abandonned and shunned by everyone, and destined to a life of servitude, prostitution and shame. How do you exactly lust after someone, Yuki wasn't sure, that wasn't really something that was covered in the books she liked to read, but it probably had something to do with that weird feeling of warmth on her cheeks, and the butterflies in her stomach. She wasn't sure there wasn't a step or several between looking at someone with that weird feeling, and ending up as a destitute, but years and years of browbeating did their work, and she tried not to look at him too much, in fear of what could happen. In shame, too, because she was a princess, she was supposed to be above every inclination of the flesh. She was supposed to be enlighted, gracious, to not leave all those things reach her, and to ignore any feeling that wasn't pure, delicate and feminine. Which left... not too much. A vapor shaped as a woman, and not a tall one at that.

Which, of course, made for difficult feelings to deal with. Misha looked... nice. Really nice, with his golden eye, and even his pointy teeth. It was... pleasing. And very disturbing, because she absolutly didn't know what to do with all those things and situation. In her books, the dashing prince always went to the princess, saved her from an ogre or a dragon, and wisked them away on their white horse. But Misha didn't have any horse, white or otherwise, there was no dragon around except Shizuka's, and he would have killed anyone trying to scratch a single scale from Rosalind, and Yuki didn't see herself being wisked away anytime soon. Then again, why would she ? Not to sound all self-deprecating (which she totally was), but she wasn't exactly a fairy tale princess herself, with her white hair and pointy elbows. Maybe a pocket-sized plaything, and even this...

No. It was time to nip that stupid self-hating circle in the bud, or she'd end up lonely and sorry for herself when everyone would leave her for people who didn't make playing the victim an art form. Or she would find herself without any friend or company, while all the others would go away to live their happy lives somewhere else. Of course, it was difficult. But, she thought as she tried to gather her courage, lots of things are, aren't they ? And the things that are worth the effort are often the best. Still, it took thinking about her grandfather, as much as she hated it, to get her to move. Because he would hate to see her try to climb out of the shell of shyness, of properness, of distrust and self-hate that he carefully crafted around her. He would try to push her down and keep her forever as a dainty little lady.

She put her sewing work in her bag, got up under Menthe's and Shizuka's knowing gaze, took the time to straighten her dress. She almost did the same to her hair, but finally decided against it. Not that it would have changed anything, except buy her some time. Or losing some. With a soft sigh, she crossed the circle of trunks around the fire, and went to sit beside Misha. She half-expected a look and a grunt of acknowledgement, nothing more, maybe not even a reaction. But the mercenary slid a piece of paper between the pages before closing his book. She cringed a little when he turned to face her. Couldn't he ignore her ? That, she could deal with. But no, that was what she had wanted, why she got up. Well... kind of. Once he made eye contact, Misha asked, softly :

- Lady Yûkiya. Is everything alright ?

- Y-Yes, of course, she tried not to mutter. Why... why wouldn't everything be alright ?

- I... don't know ?

- Do not worry, please. About me, I mean.

- You know, Misha answered with a chuckle, I'm your bodyguard. It's my job to worry.

- Yes but... I mean... how....

She clenched her fists, trying to convey what she meant. To be fair, she wasn't sure she herself knew really what she wanted to say. Very gently, Misha put a hand on her arm to calm her, just for a second.

- I told you, he said. I'm your bodyguard. It means that my job is to make sure that you're safe and sound. This will go for any physical wound, and for your peace of mind.

- What... what do you mean ?

- I mean that I'm going to protect you from enemies, and from things bother you. I'll put all my strength to your service, and do my best to make you feel at ease.

Yuki couldn't believe it. Never, in a thousand years, would she have thought that a devotion as strong as Misha's would be directed at *her*. These were words from a fairy tale, and they were for *her* !

- R-Really ? she stuttered ?

- Really.

- What if... what if I told you to go and hit someone, someone who would be a bother ?

This time, Misha smiled, a gentle half-smile that made her cheeks heat.

- Just so you know, I'd never refuse anything you asked of me.

- Really ? Really-really ? Anything ?

- I took an oath to protect you, and I intent to fulfill it to perfection. Any order from you, I will obey.

- Even dangerous ?

- Even then.

- But... how can I repay you ?

- You don't have. I've already been paid. Don't worry about it.

There was a moment of silence during which Yuki rethought the whole conversation. Then, shyly, she asked :

- Any order, you said ?

- Any order, my lady.

For the first time since the start of the conversation, she smiled.

- Then, maybe you could call me Yuki from now on ?

- This will be a pleasure.

[howellrichard]

Eco-Friendly Vegan Leather: Everything You Need to Know

Hiya Gorgeous,

I was blown away by the response to one of my recent blog posts, What the Fast Fashion Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know. I know how passionate this community is about the environment, animals and other humans. But your overwhelming positivity, support and enthusiasm for this topic really knocked my socks off!

Your excitement also left me more determined than ever to band together to save our precious planet. When our individual contributions start to add up, we have the power to change the world.

Something else stood out to me about the fast fashion blog post: I got a lot of questions about my favorite ethical, sustainable and cruelty-free brands. Many of you wanted more specific eco-friendly shopping how-tos and tips. I’m thrilled to say that today’s post is the first in a series all about that—and we’re kicking it off with the ultimate guide to vegan leather!

What’s the problem with leather?

If you read my post about the fast fashion industry, then you’re already aware of some of the issues that come along with exploiting animals for their fur, skins, etc. Animal agriculture requires massive amounts of land, water, fuel and feed. This industry is responsible for more greenhouse gas emissions than all of the world’s transportation systems combined, and percent of the Amazon rainforest has been cleared to make way for pastures or for growing feed crops (source).

When it comes to leather specifically, the picture doesn’t get any better. The leather tanning process is often incredibly toxic. People who work in tanneries or live near them are exposed to harmful chemicals used to process, treat and dye animal skins. This often takes place in developing countries where child labor isn’t regulated, proper waste management systems aren’t in place, and workers aren’t well-protected or paid (source).

And our innocent animal friends endure horrific conditions. They’re often confined to overcrowded indoor spaces without access to sufficient food, water or fresh air. They suffer through painful procedures without anesthesia (like castration and branding) and face countless other forms of unimaginably cruel treatment (source).

We can do better. Animals, other people and the environment do NOT need to suffer for our wardrobes. That’s where eco-friendly vegan leather alternatives come in!

What is vegan leather?

Two vegan leather alternatives you may have heard of are PVC and PU. PVC is a petrochemical product that is heavily processed from start to finish. Many companies have moved away from using it because it requires fossil fuels to produce, contains toxic chemicals like Phalates (not safe for the environment or people!) and creates an enormous amount of waste (source). If you see PVC or its derivatives on a tag, you can bet it’s not a sustainable vegan leather alternative.

What is PU leather?

PU (polyurethane) is a popular vegan leather alternative. Many brands say it’s more eco-friendly than PVC, but do a little research and you’ll find a lot of mixed opinions. Some say that PU production results in just as many toxic emissions and waste as PVC, and that calling it sustainable is simply not true (source).

PU proponents, on the other hand, say that it’s a better option than animal exploitation and overall its environmental footprint is smaller than that of leather. My team and I did a lot of research on this since we know PU is widely used by the brands we’re sharing later in this article. There’s no easy or straightforward answer, but for the most part we agree that PU does less harm than leather.

A note on conscious consumption.

That brings me to an important reminder: Products of all kinds (purses, shoes, sheets, kitchen tools, you name it!) are only as sustainable, ethical and kind as the company they come from… no matter what they’re made of. Know the brands you buy from. Learn about the materials they use, their factory standards, how they treat their workers and how they manage waste. A purse made with PU from a brand with strong environmental and social practices is very different from a similar bag from a less conscious brand.

And here’s a hint: If a brand doesn’t provide clear, specific info about how they’re protecting people, animals and the environment, proceed with caution. Companies who prioritize this stuff speak up about it. Let’s demand more transparency!

Love the environment as much as I do? Get more sustainability tips and my free Starter Kit:

A peek into the future: more sustainable vegan leather alternatives!

Some brands are creating truly innovative vegan leather options out of organic and recycled materials. They’re more eco-friendly than the standard alternatives we discussed above, but are often more expensive, harder to find and not as broadly appealing (either because they don’t mimic the leather look and feel people want, or aren’t as high-end looking). But as the demand for sustainable vegan leather grows, I suspect we’ll see these options continue to improve and become more widely available.

Here are some of the coolest, most innovative materials that stood out to me:

Piñatex: Fruit is even more awesome and versatile than I thought—this incredible vegan leather is made from pineapples! It’s beautiful, watertight and durable. Plus, the company that manufactures it has some fantastic sustainability and social practices (learn more about them here). My fave cruelty-free watch brand, Votch, has an entire  collection of piñtatex watches.

MuSkin: This vegan leather is made from another one of my favorite plants—mushrooms! More specifically, it’s made out of the cap of a parasitic, inedible variety called Phellinus ellipsoideus (source). I don’t see a whole lot of MuSkin products available yet, but I bet that’ll change soon.

Apple peel leather: You read that right! An apple a day does more than just keep the doctor away. Companies like Veggani are using industrial apple peel waste to create environmentally friendly pieces like this gorgeous crossbody bag.

Recycled materials: Recycled rubber, recycled car tires, recycled plastic… oh my! Lots of companies are repurposing materials that would otherwise sit in landfills (or the ocean, rivers, forests, etc.) by creating shoes, bags, belts, etc. out of them. Rothy’s, for example, uses plastic water bottles to make their super cute (and machine washable!) shoes.

Get the ultimate guide to eco-friendly vegan leather alternatives—the best materials, top brands and more!

18 Eco-Friendly Vegan Leather Alternatives

There are so many wonderful companies out there dedicated to making fashion a kinder, more eco-conscious business, and I’m thrilled to highlight some of them today! This list is purely for your info and to support you on your eco-friendly journey—I’m not sponsored or getting paid to promote any of these brands. 

Note: These brands use a variety of materials. There are plenty of options if you want to avoid PU!

GUNAS (maker of high-end purses, wallets and shoes) believes that just being vegan isn’t enough—they’re looking out for other humans and the environment, too. And here’s something that really sets them apart: They encourage conscious consumerism. So rather than pushing you to buy fast and often like so many of the brands we’re familiar with, they want you to take your time and make careful decisions. I love this more purposeful, minimalist approach!

Whatever the season or occasion, you’ll be able to find the perfect pair of vegan leather shoes from Bhava. I’m eyeing these strappy sandals—what color is your fave? Bhava also does a great job explaining some of the problems with leather and fast fashion, along with what they’re doing to change the face of footwear.

Svala helps protect animals in more ways than one. Not only is their line of purses and wallets cruelty-free, they also donate a portion of the profits to charities like WildAid, whose mission is to end the illegal wildlife trade. Svala also buys carbon offsets to reduce their environmental footprint and uses recycled plastic bottles to line their bags—yay!

Rafa makes beautiful, hand-crafted vegan shoes in Los Angeles, California. While they keep a few things in stock, most items are made to order. This allows the Rafa team to dedicate time and quality craftsmanship to each unique pair. Check out this short and sweet video about how (and why!) they do what they do.

This is a trend I didn’t think I’d see again—fanny packs! HFS Collective’s belt bags are designed to “free you from your baggage.” That means more hands to pet every pup you meet, carry green drinks and do other stuff you love.

I mentioned Rothy’s in last year’s eco-friendly holiday gift guide, and this is still one of my fave brands for comfy shoes that can be dressed up or down. Their pointed toe flats are the perfect versatile basic. The uppers are made of 100 percent post-consumer water bottles, and the other parts of the shoe are made of a mix of recycled, non-toxic, vegan materials. Even their shoe boxes are biodegradable!

A pair of easy-to-wear slides is a must-have for the warmer months of the year, and Indosole has totally nailed an eco-friendly option. Not only do they come in some great colors, they also give a second life to a pervasive waste product—car tires!

Noani (meaning No Animal—yes!) has vegan leather belts for everyone in your life. They use innovative eco-friendly materials like eucalyptus and apple fibers. Plus, they’re committed to maintaining safe, fair working conditions for everyone involved in creating their products.

I love how transparent VEERAH is about the materials they use to make their luxury, sustainable, vegan shoes (check out a detailed list here!). Plus, can we talk about these gorg bright blue pumps made from apple leather? Anyone who thinks eco-friendly and fashionable don’t belong in the same sentence should get a load of those!

MooShoes is a vegan leather lover’s dream. Unlike the other brands on this list, this store is a hub where you can get goodies from a variety of cruelty-free brands. Their NYC location was the first cruelty-free retail store of its kind when it opened back in 2001 and they’ve since expanded to LA. But no worries if you’re not close to either of those locations—the website is easy to use and jam-packed with shoes, bags and more that’ll satisfy all style sensibilities.

I think that Angela Roi makes some of the most beautiful cruelty-free purses out there. That said, I’d love to see them expand the info available on their site about their sustainability practices and working conditions. Transparency is where it’s at, folks!

Looking for some comfy kicks for walking the dog, running to the store and everything in between? You’ll love Native Shoes, which are cruelty-free AND easy on the planet. In fact, Native has committed to making all of their products 100 percent lifecycle managed by 2023 (learn more about what that means here).

This circular purse from Hozen is so cute! And there’s a lot more than meets the eye here—Hozen donates 10 percent of their profits to Mercy for Animals (one of my favorite orgs!) and makes their products in small batches to avoid wasteful excess stock.

Nae (stands for No Animal Exploitation—so good!) has something for everyone. These desert boots are a great wardrobe staple. And who doesn’t need a simple, everyday black belt?

One of the wardrobe essentials I’ve had trouble finding in cruelty-free form is a vegan leather moto jacket! Then I came across this piñatex stunner from Altiir. It’s certainly not cheap, but could be a worthwhile investment if you wear it a lot and keep for years to come.

Labante London makes gorgeous purses, wallets and other accessories out of recycled materials. According to their website, they’ve already saved 10 million plastic bottles from languishing in landfills! I’m a big fan of this functional, timeless wallet.

Beyond Skin has a wide range of sandals, boots, heels, flats and more available in a variety of fun prints and fabrics. They’re also really upfront about their business and sustainability practices, which means you can buy with confidence. And how about these must-have mustard sandals? Love!

Have a favorite sustainable, cruelty-free brand I didn’t mention? Shout them out in the comments below!

I want to hear from you!

What other topics would you like me to cover in this eco-friendly series (home goods, skincare/makeup, etc.)?

Peace & cruelty-free fashion,

The post Eco-Friendly Vegan Leather: Everything You Need to Know appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

[envirotravel]

Kicking the Can: How I Broke My Addiction to Diet Coke

For about a full decade of my life, I was a full fledged Diet Coke addict.

It was a part of who I was — I cracked open a can first thing in the morning, friends sent me Buzzfeed articles about things only Diet Coke addicts could understand, I had a little Diet Coke keychain and a Diet Coke mousepad, and my family I would send each other level red, full blown SOS texts when the fridge was running low. I was drinking 2-3 cans a day, plus fountain (my preferred delivery of choice) whenever I could get my hands on it, and I really had no true interest in stopping.

And then, suddenly, I did.

On March 1st of 2016 I started a one month Diet Coke free month while in Thailand, and on April 1st I decided what the heck — I extended another two weeks until I flew through the USA. After six weeks, the spell was broken, and I no longer feel powerless over the pull of the silver can.

So why cut the cord? I admit, of the many reasons people kick Diet Coke habits, I did so for pretty superficial reasons. I was trying desperately to lose ten pounds that had creeped on slowly, and I’d been reading a lot about the connection between diet sodas and weight gain and was curious to see if I’d magically become a size zero again. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.) But the connection between diet sodas and out-of-whack metabolisms and insulin production were hard to ignore, and the more I learned the more convinced I became that a trial period without it was something I needed to try.

But also, it was at times a very inconvenient addiction and I hated feeling so beholden to a particular can of fizz. When I woke up in the morning, it was the first thing I drank, and I was cranky and irritable when I couldn’t source it — which was fairly often, considering I often travel to remote areas, and Diet Coke is still rare in many corners of the world.

At the time, I searched pretty desperately for first-hand accounts those who were also trying to kick a soda habit, and came up surprisingly empty. So, my fizzy drink loving friends, here is mine.

My uncle — who once ran a Coca Cola museum! It runs in the fam!

How I Did It

I never intended to cut Diet Coke out of my life entirely. Drinking Diet Coke was so much a part of both my daily routine and my identity I don’t think I ever could have started had that been my intention. Yet after years of trying to casually “cut back,” I knew I had to do something drastic if I ever wanted to make it a reality.

Today, I am no longer addicted to Diet Coke and that is all thanks to an initial six week cleanse that I did in which I did not consume a single sip (more about my current consumption later.) In fact, it started as just a month long challenge which I extended for two weeks based on how good I felt! That cleanse was completely necessary to sever my dependence to the stuff and allow me to start living with a normal, non-crazy person’s relationship with soda after it ended. I should probably note that Diet Coke was the only soda I ever really drank — I think Coca Cola tastes repulsive and outside of the rare diet root beer or craft soda on some sort of special occasion (hello, artisanal sodas at a county fair!), so Diet Coke and I had a pretty monogamous relationship.

Everyone warned me about the withdrawal symptoms I’d have. Aside from a few terrible headaches the first few days, I actually didn’t find the physical side-effects to be too dramatic. I attribute the ease with which this cleanse went to my research ahead of time, the replacements I used, and where I did it.

I did a ton of research

Once I decided to do the cleanse, it was actually pretty easy in practice. And that decision was inspired by research I did as part of my DIY Health Retreat.

Watching documentaries like Fed Up and reading books like What Are You Hungry For? made the transition really easy. I was also recommended the documentary Sweet Misery, which I plan to watch on the plane back to the US to strengthen my resolve for another addiction-free summer. Also, I’m not going to lie, I read several interviews with skinny people — LOL — who said that they never drink diet sodas, and message board accounts from those who dropped pounds doing so. In the spirit of full disclosure I also read a ton of comments and message board posts from those who quit and never lost a pound, but everyone who did so seemed to feel it had a positive impact on their life.

Those books and movies really spoke to the specific reasons I was personally looking to cut back — vanity, duh. They dove into how aspartame disrupts the body’s metabolism and craving systems and lead to unintentional weight gain, despite being zero calories.

Now look, it’s not like until last year I was walking around thinking Diet Coke was this super healthy product that I was treating my body like a temple by consuming. Not in the slightest — I knew Diet Coke was bad for me and I literally did not care, at least not enough to make me change. Thankfully, in this case, my desperation to lose a few pounds led me down an unlikely path that has had a holistic and positive effect on my life.

I told my friends

So strong was my resolve that the only serious cravings I had in those first six weeks were the two times I was tragically hungover. And because I had already told my friends what I was doing and they knew how important it was to me, they stopped me from giving in, reminding me how proud I’d feel when I hit the four — and then six — week mark.

I replaced it with something else

One of my primary concerns going into this cleanse was that Diet Coke made up the vast majority of my beverage consumption. Like literally, what the heck was I going to drink? Well, I now drink tea like it’s going out of style, as well as one or two carbonated waters per day and a TON more straight up tap water than I’ve ever drank in my life. Let’s get into each of those:

Tea

I have never been a tea drinker and so I did a bunch of research to find out which teas had caffeine — which I wanted — and which I would actually like. I absolutely loathe black tea (sorry, Brits) but found green tea sort of tolerable, so I started out my putting one green tea bag into a mug with another herbal flavor that I enjoyed more, like lemongrass. For the first week or two of my cleanse, I sweetened my tea with local honey, though I quickly phased that out and I now drink my tea straight up, no sweetener.

A year later, I am a complete and total tea fiend and start every day with a mug of green tea rather than a Diet Coke, and usually go for an herbal tea over ice in the afternoon. I love trying new flavors — this brand from Hawaii is a recent obsession. Still no black tea though — which yes, makes trips to the UK a challenge.

Water

I have struggled my entire life to drink water. My cleanse kick started a new habit in which I drink more than ever. I generally try to drink a full 17 oz. bottle between breakfast and lunch, between lunch and dinner, and whenever I work out. Combined with my carbonated water at meals and my morning and afternoon tea, I now easily exceed the recommended 64 oz. per day without too much trouble.

My recommendation? Get a fun, easy-to-drink stainless steel bottle that you love and will want to take everywhere, and have a jug or filter in your fridge so you have easy access to cold, ready-to-go tap water anytime. If you live somewhere with great water you can literally just use a nice pitcher, if you live somewhere where drinking tap water isn’t advisable — like I do — I highly recommend this Clearly Filtered Pitcher.

Carbonated Water

Or seltzer, or if you’re here in Thailand, soda water. To this day I can’t stand to drink straight up tap water with meals, it just doesn’t feel right. Seltzer is literally just regular water infused with air, and is just as safe and hydrating to drink as regular water (though studies do show it can be slightly more filling, and does have some extremely mild effect on dental health.)

So I now have unflavored seltzer with pretty much every single lunch and dinner. When I’m in the US, I sometimes I have fun with the naturally flavored ones. I drink so much of the stuff I’m thinking of getting a seltzer machine like my mom has at home, and bringing it with me back to Thailand.

I did it somewhere away from the USA

I know this probably isn’t exactly replicable for most people, but it was a huge factor towards my success. Doing the Diet Coke cleanse in Thailand, where I’m not a fan of the local formula, made it so much easier than had I tried it stateside. If you can find some way — any way! — to shake up your routine, I think that will make all the difference in helping you to snap out of deeply ingrained habits.

While you may not want to mar a trip or vacation with withdrawal symptoms, starting a few days before you leave and your enthusiasm is still strong might be the perfect way to distract yourself just as your willpower might be wearing off. (And ya know, now that I added this, it’s totally relevant fodder for a travel blog! Nailed it!)

Make a calendar

I actually didn’t do this, but if I started to struggle or stumble I would have bought or printed out a calendar, and marked off each day I made it without Diet Coke. I always find tracking and visual aids to be incredibly effective in helping me meet goals and stay strong through a challenge.

What I Learned

I have always considered myself to have an insane sweet tooth and ravenously consumed candy, desserts and all kinds of sugary goodness on a near-daily bases. Very quickly after giving up Diet Coke, those cravings have all but disappeared. I still loved my sweet treats but I noticed that I didn’t HAVE to have them, and so throughout the course of my cleanse they were more of an actual occasional treat instead of a daily obsession. I even noticed my cravings for/consumption of things like bread and pasta subsided.

I was somewhat disorienting to realize that this thing I thought was just a core part of who I was was actually induced by a chemical I’ve been consuming daily for the last decade and a half. Some researchers believe artificial sweeteners like the aspartame in Diet Coke actually fuel the brain’s desire for the real thing, and after six weeks, I agreed with them.

Today, recognizing that my cravings are at least partially a result of choices I’ve made has actually been incredibly empowering. When I’m perusing 711 for snacks before a late night work session, I can no longer grab a bag of M&M’s with the excuse that, “Well I’m just a sweet-tooth having, sugar-loving fiend and there’s nothing I can do to change it!” Instead I think, “Well, I’m craving candy right now because I made the choice to have Diet Coke with my lunch. I can choose to go for it, or I can choose to have a banana instead.” It actually feels really good.

No, I didn’t drop a dress size. But I did find a new awareness of what was fueling my cravings. And as someone who considers herself to have like, zero willpower, it was kind of cool to set such a lofty goal and not just meet but exceed it.

One Year Later

Like I said earlier, I never intended to give up Diet Coke entirely — and I didn’t. Some warned that after six weeks I wouldn’t be able to stand a sip of the stuff, and I can assure you that did not happen. But I do feel like I have a normal, non-psycho person’s relationship with Diet Coke now, and that is a beautiful thing.

For the most part, I probably average about a can a week. When I’m extremely stressed and sleep deprived, I definitely fall back into a can a day. But that has only happened a couple times and within a few days I actually now see it as a big red flag I’m waving at myself — whoa girl, pull in the reigns on your life. Something isn’t right.

I split my year between Thailand and the US, and I admit that it’s much easier to go without here in Thailand, where I never even really liked the local formula but drank it out of pure dependence. In the US, I still love the taste of the stuff, especially the fountain version, and so it is much harder to avoid — especially because when I’m stateside I bounce between staying with various family members who are all still hardcore hooked. What I tried experimenting with last summer was not allowing myself cans at home, and instead only treating myself to fountain Diet Cokes when I was out and about running errands. Therefore it felt more like a special treat that I savored every second of, and less like something I was mindlessly downing out of habit. If I’m staying in a house where I have any input over what’s in the fridge, I keep it Diet Coke-free to avoid the temptation.

While there are definitely certain locations that tempt me to spiral out of control again (hello, my mom and dad’s houses!), overall I feel incredibly free from my old aluminum shackles. It kind of grosses me out now to think that in the past I would drink Diet Coke out of a bottle, or even, heaven forbid, the occasional fountain Diet Pepsi at a restaurant — thing I literally don’t even like — just because I felt like I was powerless not to.

It feel so good to go to a four day festival where there’s no Diet version of Coke and not loose my shit. It feels so nice to stay at a resort that stocks Pepsi (gross) and not freak the flip out. It feels very freeing to no longer wake up in the morning, bug out that the fridge is empty, and disrupt my day by sprinting to the closest minimart to stock up before my dang day can start.

While breaking my Diet Coke addiction didn’t make me the size zero supermodel I had hoped — just kidding, there are no catwalks in the future of this 5’2″-er — it was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It made me feel empowered, it removed a frequent hassle from my life, and it was a major game-changer in the healthier lifestyle I am always trying to cultivate.

Are you a current or reformed diet soda addict? Tell all in the comments!

Please note I know there are a lot of different opinions out there about food and addiction and if you happen to disagree with what I write here, please know it isn’t meant to offend you — I’m just sharing my own personal experiences and thoughts, and I respect that other people’s will be different! Feel free to share your own experiences in the comments.

Want to learn more about the science behind Diet Coke addiction? This article is a good place to start. 

Kicking the Can: How I Broke My Addiction to Diet Coke posted first on http://ift.tt/2k2mjrD

[nancypullen]

Country Living Fair Frenzy

I woke up on Friday morning feeling like it was Christmas.  Skies were gloomy and rain was imminent, but I didn’t care.  I was up, dressed, fed, and itching to get going in record time.  I tucked my hair under a hat to keep it from becoming a dark cloud, I put on comfy shoes, and then grabbed a tote bag.   I still had an hour and a half before I could leave.  Think I was excited? For the last two years I’ve gushed about the Country Living Fair and I’m about to do it again.  It never disappoints.  Whether you’re looking for unique decor, vintage clothing, one-of-a-kind jewelry, beautiful art, funky finds or even good food - you’ll find it there.  When I pulled in I had a couple of things in mind that I wanted to look for, the dough bowl that I mentioned last week and some sort of old plant stand for the front porch.  Other than that, I was open to whatever treasures came my way.  I have a deep and abiding love for anything old, chippy, faded, patched, floral, and well-used.  I knew I was in the right place.

You know I pawed through those linens and found something sweet.

This old French wash stand was about 6 feet tall.  I wanted it. I had visions of a dozen beautiful ways to use it - but there’s not a single room in our house where this could go. 

I had no use for this guy either...

I almost picked up this wicker table for the porch but it wasn’t a good enough deal for me.  I checked on it again at the end of the day and it was still there and the price hadn’t been lowered.  I’m tempted to go back today (Sunday) and see if it’s hanging around.

 I was very tempted by some of the pretty clothing, but I thought it was ridiculously overpriced.

Those little tops were $78.  I understand that they’re one-of-a-kind, made from vintage pillow cases and tablecloths....but, no.  Pretty, but no.

I loved all of the stuff at this booth, but it was all yards too long for a short girl.

I did buy a hat at Sue Handman’s booth. I adore her stuff.

It’s true.  I’ve lost my filter.  Wish I cared.  No I don’t. She had some fabulous tees in her inventory.  I’m past the age where I need to draw the eye to my bosom, so I didn’t buy one.  I did pick up a little something for framing though.

I soldiered on...it sprinkled a bit around noon, but never poured, and then the skies cleared. It was a miracle!  I picked up a vintage teacup birdfeeder...then found my dough bowl...and a very pretty old sifter that will sit on my kitchen counter. I added those items to the tea towel in my tote.  The dough bowl was heavy and the stand for the bird feeder was awkward, so I stopped by one of the many bag check stations and dropped my goods and received a claim ticket.  You can add to your pile throughout the day and there are even people available to help you get large items to your car.  I think one of the reasons that I enjoy this huge fair so much is that it’s so organized and pleasant.  They’ve thought of everything and it all runs so smoothly. Anywayyyy, I browsed and browsed.  I almost bought this painting.

And again, I realized that I loved it in the setting, but couldn’t think of where it would fit in my home.  It just made me happy. One of my favorite artists, Mary Gregory, had a large booth.

And I flipped over the art of Tiffany Foster Smith at The Painted Jackalope.

Still thinking about those. I may have to have one.

If you need fancy boots or southernized tees, I found a place.

I totally should have bought this tee.  It’s my childhood in a nutshell.

Saw a lot of women sporting these.

I’d vote for her.

No surprise at all that I bought some pretty things at this booth.

I should have purchased more - I loved everything!  I did grab a card because I know I’ll want to do a bit o’ online shopping.   They’ve got a wonderful blog and shop - https://www.underatinroof.com/ I shopped and shopped and, folks, it filled my soul.  As silly as it sounds, it did.  Spending a day wading through beautiful, old stuff and imaginative new stuff is good for the heart and mind.  There were a few things that I eyeballed and thought, “Hmmm,bet I can make that...” and there were things that just made me smile.

You know I had to buy that sign.

If I ever own a shop, I’m putting this on the front door.

Story of my life.

Who doesn’t need a kitchen cat?  I actually liked the Kitchen Queen, but again...where would that go?  Sitting atop my cookbooks maybe? 

Women were going absolutely nuts for these crates.  They were $20 or 2 for $35 (I think).  I stared at them for a long time, thinking about what I could do with one....maybe fill it with clay pots of kitchen herbs? They’d be great for organizing a mudroom or craft room. I have neither.

I might be the only woman in WIlson County without a Maine Blueberries crate, but I think I’m okay with it.  They would be cute with some legs attached and used as side tables on a screened porch or a deck.  Dang it.

There’s no way that my photos can capture the delightful amount of whimsy, fun, and amazing creativity on display.  I already can’t wait for next year.  In the end, I picked up my packages and headed to the car.

A tote bag full of goodies, a dough bowl, and an old plant stand. SUCCESS!  That weird item wrapped in plastic is the stand for my teacup birdfeeder.

And here’s my pretty sifter and vintage tea towel.

My big ol’ dough bowl.  I love it!

These purchases sum me up.

The plant stand...it doesn’t look like much now, but I have big plans for it!

There was another booth there selling beautiful leather goods.  I didn’t need anything, but I did buy a t-shirt from them.

When I explained that Holtz is my mother’s maiden name and the last name of the dearest grandparents who ever lived, they gave me a free leather keychain with their logo on it.  When a 50-something woman stands at your booth clutching a tote bag containing a tea towel and sifter that remind her of her grandma,and she has tears in her eyes, you give her free stuff.  I didn’t want to tell them that it was probably allergies.  Still, I so rarely see the name anywhere that I did get a little excited.

Besides my hat,

I also picked up this fabric collage to put in a frame. It speaks to me.

That will sit on my writing desk, also where I paint....and I feel a flurry of painting coming on this week.  I’m inspired by the wonderful fair, the spring weather and how quickly the landscape is changing, the new calves frolicking in pastures around us....LIFE! So there you have it.  I went armed with a fistful of money, prepared to make a big purchase if the moment was right...and just couldn’t do it.  The French washstand will have to live elsewhere.  But I did bring home a happy heart and a trunk full of treasure.  I also renewed my Country Living subscription - when you do it at the fair it’s just $8 and you get a pack of ZInnia seeds. What’s not to love about that?  Once again, a fabulous experience. I’m fighting the urge to drive over there for the last afternoon of the fair, but I’m going to show some self control. Besides, the mister has gone up to Lowe’s to get some special screws for a project I assigned him (saw it at the fair for $24, knew we could make it for far less) so I have to stay here and supervise.  I know he’s going to appreciate that. Signing off now, I’m going to go pet my sifter and sing to my dough bowl.  Perfectly normal.   Sending you love on this soggy Sunday.  Make your own sunshine, do something that makes you happy!   XOXO  

[ouraidengray4]

Why Not Everyone Is Worth Forgiving

Have you ever seen two kids have an argument? As a teacher, I mediate kid arguments all the time, and man, is it a fast process. Usually, I just listen to each kid yell their grievances at me (Why are you shouting? I’M NOT SHOUTING!), then I get to demand they apologize to each other, and enjoy what is almost always an instantaneous resolution. When you’re a kid, forgiveness is usually the cheapest, easiest thing in the world; it’s a hug, a laugh, and, boom, instant friendship!

It doesn’t always come so easily though, even for kids. I remember when I was in elementary school, a friend of mine told me she had a sister and months later, I found out it wasn’t true at all. Boy, was I mad. I didn’t speak to her again until middle school, when she totally called me out on it in the locker room, that I had refused to forgive her for such a stupid, little thing. There I was, in my gym shorts and training bra, being publicly shamed for having held a grudge for so long. I decided, from then on, that forgiveness would be a virtue everyone would come to associate with me: I was gracious. I was understanding. I was forgiving. Never again would I be that 12-year-old in the training bra, bitterly refusing to let go of a past slight. Never!

But as an adult, forgiveness is like Pilates class; when you do it, you usually feel great afterward, but sometimes you feel awful going, awful doing it, and awful afterward, and you know you should have just stayed home, watched Hoarders, and gone some other time.

Almost a year ago exactly, I had a pen pal. Yes, that’s sort of weird, and yes, it really happened: I had an adult pen pal, a former college acquaintance. Truthfully, I knew I had met him in college, because those were the Facebook friends we had in common, but I didn’t remember him in any way. He hit me up on Facebook with this completely random and unexpected gesture, saying, Hey I think everything you post is rad, and you’re rad, and we should be friends. It happened to be a really solid time for me; I had finally learned how to effectively manage my depression and anxiety, and was really living a half-decent life, going to back to school, getting my sh*t together in a really grown-up way. He asked if I wanted to be pen pals. I said, "Uh, sure."

You can probably imagine where this is going if you’re human and have a pulse.

I had no idea what that meant. I was hoping he understood that clearly he would be the first to write, because I had no idea how grown-up pen pals worked. He was living abroad, enjoying what appeared to be a very glamorous, bohemian lifestyle. In the photos he posted, it was clear that he had a dog and cool-dude digs. And oh, he was handsome. I wondered where the hell he’d been in college, when I was pining after some miserable artsy kid who eventually left to study acting in England.

And then his letter came.

It was a four-page explosion of scribbled drawings, backstory, hopes, and dreams… and it felt like a masterpiece. I spent hours pouring over it; I brought it to work with me, carefully enclosed in a book, like something precious, secret, almost sacred. I showed it to my best friend in quiet wonder, asking,Who the hell is this guy? And what the hell is this wonderful thing? I spent days crafting a reply. I poured my heart into it; this process was fun and new and wildly curious and exciting. The next few months proceeded like this, eagerly awaiting letters, trading ecstatic Facebook messages, pinging each other to exclaim that the mail had arrived—we traded exclamations of I got it! I got it!!!!

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We shared our hopes and dreams, our greatest fears, our weirdest inclinations; soon I felt like I knew him better than I knew most of my closest friends. Trinkets were exchanged. He sent me a little drawing pad, a cartoon, and a dedication on the first page. I sent him a friendship bracelet (remember how easy those were to make? Apparently not so much for adult hands). Our avoidance of any topic even remotely romantic felt electrically deliberate, the implications present at every turn.Where do you see yourself in five years? With someone I love, somewhere good.

You can probably imagine where this is going if you’re human and have a pulse. I fell head over heels in love with him. It was the single most romantic thing to ever happen to me; it was like a movie. It actually might be a movie, probably one starring Rachel McAdams.

Yes, that is a matronly support bra under my cool leather jacket. What of it? / Illustration by the author, Mikayla Park

We arranged to meet in DC in the spring. At this point, everyone knew this special thing that was unfolding in my life. What will you wear? What will you say? This is it! He and I texted for days beforehand. We chatted about everything, as we usually did, easy and effortlessly, as though we’d known each other forever. The conversation veered toward romance. My pulse quickened. It’s hard to find love, he wrote. Sure is, I said. Well, I’m going on a weekend trip with this girl I’ve been seeing, so we’ll see how it goes. Cross your fingers for me!

Girl. I’ve. Been. Seeing. The words punctured all the air in my tiny apartment as I stared at my phone. Even as I began to tear up, I furiously started making excuses for him. Of course he’s seeing someone, Mikayla. What did you expect? He’s a guy. Guys have needs. This is understandable. I forgave him immediately, because that’s what you do. Back in that middle-school locker room, I’d stood there in my training bra and chosen to become someone generous, so I wasn’t about to become an ungenerous girl in a matronly support bra in my own living room, butt-hurt at my pen pal for taking girls on dates.

So instead, I cheekily told him that I couldn’t really cross my fingers, because I was in love with him myself. I tend to go balls to the wall with stuff like that. He rambled on a little about feelings, and timing, and distance, without ever really saying anything in reply.

I went to DC anyway, of course. I had a plane ticket, and my mother was expecting me, and when your mother is expecting you, what the f*ck else is there to do? I wasn’t giving up, either. No. I didn’t care who the this girl was; he and I had something special, and I had pages upon pages of letters to prove it. What was he thinking? I felt like I was gearing up for the fight of my life; he belonged with me. Why couldn’t he see that? I wrote him a good-bye letter just in case, feeling positive that I would show it to him someday, when we were old and married, and laugh about how he almost lost me entirely once. I tucked it into my pocket for good luck.

We planned to meet at a coffee shop at noon. He was two hours late. I cried into an overpriced latte and told myself he was probably late because he was losing his mind in confusion. I forgave him immediately, trying to feel magnanimous while wiping the snot from my nose.

When he finally arrived, he gave me a bag of coffee as a gift and asked why I was crying. I told him, mustering up my best Rachel McAdams, that I had fallen in love with him, that this was something special, something worth fighting for, that I would move to his far-off country for him if that was what it took, that I could teach anywhere, if it meant we could have our shot. He rambled on a little about feelings and timing and distance, looked sad, and then asked if I wanted to get gelato. I wanted so badly to ignore it, but the no was written all over his face, all over the way he very delicately physically separated himself from me. I tearfully shrugged and said OK.

We spent the rest of the day together, exploring DC, eating food, taking photos. I felt like I was holding myself hostage. I really just wanted to punch him in the face and leave, but I felt guilty. I couldn’t leave him like that; he hadn’t asked for any of this. We drove around in his mom’s convertible, listening to old indie rock. We drew pictures and left them in a box by a garden. Two cartoon characters saying I don’t know and I don’t know either. At the end of the day, I gave him the good-bye letter I wrote him. It was generous and sad. I couldn’t be his pen pal anymore; it wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to the girl he was with.

No one seems to know! / Illustration by the author, Mikayla Park

That night, he told me he had reread all of my letters (which he had inexplicably brought with him) searching for signs, for clues, wondering where he had gone wrong. Had he missed romantic signals somewhere? He thought we were clearly just pals. I felt guilty, like I had ruined this wonderful thing we had by breaking an invisible rule. I didn’t forgive him, because there was nothing to forgive; it was all my fault. As I sat on the plane the next day, I texted him that I missed him already. He texted me back a link to a song in Portuguese. I desperately searched it for some hidden meaning.

Within my brokenheartedness, I felt an undercurrent of guilt, like I had wronged him by falling in love, that I made something out of nothing, that his intentions had been pure and I had somehow sullied it with my own agenda.

I don’t feel that way anymore.

In hindsight, I’d like to go back to that day and punch myself in the face, then get the hell out of there, as far from him as possible. I’d like to tell my former self that I didn’t do anything wrong.

Look, even now I want to believe him! Maybe he didn’t mean to lead me on; it is so ingrained in my nature to forgive him, to try to understand, to make excuses. Maybe he never meant for it to go that way at all; maybe he honestly, truthfully, never even thought about it. Maybe he’d ignored the scribbled hearts ALL THE F*CK OVER MY LETTERS. Maybe he has intimate female pen pals all the time, and nothing like this has ever happened… but seriously, that just makes him stupid, which is almost as bad as being cruel. And guess what? You don’t have to forgive stupid, either.

His relationship with that girl was just slightly more serious than he’d led on; they’re now married and have a child. I unfriended him on Facebook and unfollowed him on Instagram, although he doesn’t seem to know it yet because he still likes all my posts (hi, I guess you know now).

I unceremoniously tossed his letters out with the trash one day.

Yeah, no one wants those letters. / Illustration by the author, Mikayla Park

Intent is a thing, I know. It’s a thing, and it matters. And forgiveness is also a thing, and it’s nice, and it feels good. But for f*ck’s sake, not everyone is worth forgiving. I don’t feel weighed down by any continued resentment, but I feel free from the obligation to be gracious and forgiving. There is plenty of room in my heart for both.

Sometimes things don’t end in a hug and a laugh and, boom, friendship! Sometimes the most someone deserves is not you—and that’s not heavy, that’s not a burden. The girl at the coffee shop who waited two hours for a guy who didn’t appreciate her? She deserves my forgiveness. As for the rest, I’ll be the girl in the matronly support bra opting out of Pilates class, waving my middle finger from the couch as I watch Hoarders. And I don’t feel bad about it one. Single. Bit.

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