#idontwanttoaddtags

[chewinglass]

hello void, nice to meet you. Your eyeless gaze comforts me. No eyes to judge or ears to hear my screams. Just empty infinite space to let it all out.

I will fill you void, I’m not sure with what yet.

I will empty my guts into you. Unfiltered, besides though the unavoidable selection biases that make up my brain.

I will use you as a tool, to see my life through an alternate lens. Through the eyes I project onto you. Through the pinhole perspective of my life you get to see. Though the way my mind refactors information to sound more aesthetically pleasing to fit this platform.

This platform reminds me of being 14 and [really fucking sad]. It reminds me of all of the eras of my life I’d rather sweep under the rug and forget. I’m in such a different place now, but she’s still inside of me. Coming out when she needs to feel everything I try so hard to suppress. There’s a catharsis in indulging her in her misery. she developed Stockholm syndrome towards it. And now I’m stuck with the remnants.

It’s no longer as extreme. It’s hard to be truly sad when I can look back on my life with pride and immense gratitude. Back then all temporal directions looked bleak.

I experience more emotions than her too, like right now I am feeling the weight of impending sadness, pressure in my eyes that are too exhausted and apathetic to cry, stress in my shoulders and tension in my ears. Emotions like these don’t have names so the best I can do is document my physical condition but they poorly capture the beast.

I also have a deep sense of calm in my torso and legs, I feel rooted, things are ok. The sadness isn’t strong enough to cause full discomfort in my body.

I have an infinite amount of things I need to be doing. Things I want to do. And I’ve done so much already. I wonder how the story of Sisyphus would shift if the number of times he needed to roll the boulder up the hill was limited. Rats in buckets of water slightly too tall to escape from live longer when they think their chance of escape is nonzero. They just keep swimming until they die from exhaustion.

I bought a shark ring on Etsy. It’s cute. I got it because sharks can’t stop swimming or they die. Swimming is breathing for them. So they swim forever. And that’s how I want to be. Just keep swimming. All of my concerns for the future are solved by continuing to move forward. Time cures all wounds. All pain and stress and worry drift away if you just keep moving forward. Even if the water is dark, and you don’t know what’s ahead. A shark would never stop.

I am pushing myself past exhaustion, it’s thrilling in the abstract. I get to accomplish so much. In the particular it is horrible. Something needs to go, you can never have it all at once. Every option is also a negation of the others, I have so many flowers to water and limited water.

I think I need to stop seeing the boy I’ve been seeing. It feels like I need to decide between his company or my company—my baby, my dent in the universe. Everything I’ve been working towards. I won’t forgive myself or him if I think he detracts from it at all, and it’s starting to seem like he will. Simply due to my own incompetence. My own stress about this. I wish I could balance it but I’m not a balanced person. I’m all or nothing. The guilt has contributed to the feeling of exhaustion currently burdening me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess making these types of decisions is important for me to learn. Build the tolerance to make decisions that seem painful in the moment but are better for the long term. I’m not convinced this is the right decision though. I am worried i will regret it. Decisions are never binary. Maybe we will reconnect in the future? Maybe only if I’m able to handle this properly in the moment? Maybe I don’t need to do anything? We should probably just have a conversation. I’m going to take a shower. Ttyl.