#idontcapitaliseigetoverit

[absquatul-ate]

my fucked love situation

70 weeks, 490 days, 11,700 hours. 

That is how long my breakup has been happening for. 

i know that must be very difficult to comprehend but i will try to explain as best as i can. we broke up with a simple “i think we should break up��� and a reluctant “i guess..” from me. i had admitted to being attracted to a workmate of mine as i struggle to ever lie to my boyfriend. that was how the initial breakup had gone but was it really a breakup? our relationship started with me absolutely doting over him. i always liked him from the beginning of high school until now currently... weeks until the end of my high school career, he has taken over my mind and held my heart for 4 years. my heart belonged to him and the culture of the relationship revolved around me bettering myself to impress him and make him happy, the more i did to make him like me the more serious he became about our relationship. he decided we were to be a secret relationship and he didn't say a peep to anyone, not even his best friend of 11 years. that’s just who he is, private.. so began the game of being a good girl so he would consider me serious enough to have as a girlfriend. i was a secret until he was certain he liked me. i was introduced to his parents as a friend and they joked about us dating but we actually never uttered the words girlfriend/boyfriend. our relationship was so unique and i believe that is part of why i struggle to let it go, when i said forever i was serious. i feel as though no matter how “broken-up” we are i still belong to him and my actions will always make him happy or mad and i just want him to be happy with me. 

after our breakup things got messy, we were going to get back together but he kissed someone else in spite of me after i sent nudes to a guy friend of mine the night after being broken up with. this may not seem like a big deal but i was 15 at the time this happened and i was the only person he had kissed up until then. it was a sacred thing between us. i broke after that and he felt bad, he was in the wrong for once. i seem to have blacked out what happened after that but i remember the trust being diminished. we were never the same, i was never the same. we continuously talked and were kid to each other hanging out occasionally but every time we had a fight after that i just wanted to hurt him how he hurt me.

 i slept with someone else. 

we had only ever been with each other so there are no excuses for this cruel thing i decided to do. it came from a place of betrayal and is possibly the worst thing i have ever done and is most definitely what i regret most in this world. although we were properly broken up at this point, when he found out he was disgusted, mad, hurt and so so betrayed. i knew as soon as i told him another deep bond we had was destroyed and i will forever be guilty of doing that. no matter how he treats me i will always be the one who ruined what we had. 

people who have more things they love in the world, things more fulfilling than high school relationships will be reading this and will not be able to understand why i am putting so much of how i value myself depending on this relationship but the only way i can describe it is. i never had a hobby, genuinely i never got into sport or music or even things like games or chess. i was just me. i have been depressed most of my life and hated life also, with low self esteem from a very young age. never even had a best friend type of thing. this boy came into my life, gave me cuddles made me a better person who studied well and enjoyed school and worked out.. A LOT i owe him so much for bringing me to life and giving me a best friend and life partner in the process. here’s where we begin to have a problem. the trust was lost but we still cared deeply for each other, the unhealthy dynamic of our relationship caused him to worry about me constantly and me rely on him heavily. so after publicly breaking up we stayed in each others life talking every day.. for months and now years at this point, we went through cycles of being friends then gaining intimacy and then blowing up over something and fighting, usually fighting about making our relationship public again. not talking for a while and then repeating that whole cycle. 2 years later he has finally stopped caring, i can feel and see it. i should not blame him for trying to move on with his life but i really really do. i am so deeply in love with him still and i am so so stuck and it feels uncompleted. i feel as though it will always seem unfinished as it ended this way. i cannot let him go and it makes me seem so crazy. the worst thing is i do look cray to his friends or perhaps his next love as he has not told anyone what we are, everyone that knows i told bc i have no issue keeping it private but he denies it and calls me a liar when people ask if i’m telling the truth. on top of all that i have severe self esteem issues and paranoia. i am the perfect candidate of crazy ex girlfriend. all i want is for i’m to tell the truth. i want to be loved. i deserve to be publicly loved. and for my man to be proud of me??? i don’t really believe that statement anymore. 

i am not trying to guilt i am just a extremely fucked up woman who will probably not recover. i don’t want to be the bad guy i just want to be okay.