#idonotmisshim

[bigjumbledthoughts]

“I do not  miss him”

“I don’t miss him”, I tell myself ten times a day. Who am I trying to convince? Friends, both old and new? Family? Him? Or worst of all, myself? 

“I don’t miss him. I don’t miss the way his rough hand held mine, all roughness gone, and only gentleness remaining. I don’t miss his laughter, his jokes, as stupid as they were. I don’t miss how he’d always need to touch me, as if reassuring himself I was still there, or reassuring me he was. I don’t miss how he’d twitch while asleep, and only stop when I held him. Were the dreams that plagued him the same as mine? The emptiness of being apart? For him, those dreams are gone. He does not care anymore. For me, they have become reality. I do not miss him, or the way the dark clouds that are my thoughts parted in his presence, bringing warmth, sunlight, and the smell of asphalt after summer rain. I do not miss how he wrapped his arms around, and held me close, while I cooked, while I slept, showered, shopped. I do not miss how excited he would get when talking about his passions, raising his voice more and more until my ears hurt. I do not miss how he’d catch himself, speak more softly, just for me. I do not miss planning for the future; an apartment, a cat, maybe a dog. I do not miss the kissing, the touching, the gentle (or not-so-gentle) undressing. I do not miss the love. Loving him. Being loved. I am okay. And I do not miss him.” 

Are you convinced? Am I?