#idk. lots to think about. and like i just have different furniture tastes. layout tastes. i'm too aware of the structure of a room lol
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my cottagecore toxic yuri cousins who claimed to have good taste totally ruined me for a second there lmfao
#i was soooo put off by their taste + it's not like it was bad at all but it just wasn't for me#and like to only have them as role models was just too scary haha#i just hate isolation too much for all of that + there's an ignorance that comes with isolation + peace as well#idk. lots to think about. and like i just have different furniture tastes. layout tastes. i'm too aware of the structure of a room lol#i also just don't like being yelled at + i don't like being talked down to lol#i think it's hard when a lot of your family has gone. you have these great role models in youth and then they're gone and you can't#ask them for help and you might try to remember the layouts of their houses or the titles of their books but they're just gone#and you were too young to ask them about what really mattered when they died so it's like just too unfortunate.#but who knows. maybe it's better to have a space like that in your mind that's so untouched by adulthood. you can go back to a place#of pure idealism and twist it without realizing to become anything you want and then you can see in it just what it is that you want when#you've lost track of it in reality.#like i don't know a lot about the people i really looked up to but the impression i got was that they were insanely deep thinkers who#weren't afraid of living during tough times. who can say if that's true through and through but maybe there's a certain longing in grief#that's sort of liberating. like someone who you really admire becomes a place for you to look at the sort of person you'd like to be#i pick up books and think 'if she was alive today maybe she'd enjoy this too' and then i find myself pursuing something i wanted to pursue#but couldn't find the personhood within myself to do so
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