#idk. don’t worry about me btw i’m all good. but sometimes there’s the Loneliness

[saltinesinsoup]

had some thoughts about the characters i tend to blorbo lol. it’s the fuckin lonely guys man

[peachymess]

Hhnng I had forgotten how sucky it is not being able to fall asleep. I’ve struggled so much with sleep throughout my life but I was having a really good period of just... being able to fall asleep when I try. So much so I forgot what it feels like. Just how I always forget just how painful loneliness is, until it comes back.

... for the last, what, three weeks? I have started having trouble falling asleep again. I know it’s because of stress but knowing the reason doesn’t make it any less hard to overcome. I’m really starting to worry. Two days ago, I crashed mentally due to finally having pushed too far. I’m also not eating well due to... well several things.

It’s all just culminating.

This is another late night rant, btw. I just need to get it out, it helps, no need to worry or try to help. The only thing I can do is continue to ride them out - these waves of good and bad mental states - and tackle them with the tools I’ve acquired over the years.

It’s quite humbling. Having those rare, big periods of good where I finally start to hope and believe that “... I’m finally healthy! I’m finally mentally healthy! I conquered my mental illness’” and then... again... there’s another crash and I’m reminded that no,... it’ll most likely always be a roller coaster. How could I be so gullible again.

And it’s scary. Really scary. Much more so than before... I made the final decision not to consider suicide an option anymore, on December 7th of 2017. Ever since then, being able to escape a little by daydreaming about the fact that I could end it all, all the pain, the worry, the shame... that escape went away. I don’t know if I can truly explain it to someone who’s never been suicidal, but I’m sure those that have been or still are, understand... the relief that the presence of that option is. Having that out. To us, the thought of suicide is a sweet thing, not a pain. If you truly hit rock bottom and you can’t take it anymore; there’s always that out, plan Z. Knowing you’re stuck with this life, regardless of how it plays out, regardless of how much pain you’ll be in, is terrifying and painful. I remember watching this documentary about a young woman who wanted to be granted assisted suicide due to her depression. It was a long battle to get accepted... but once she was granted this terminal treatment... she chose to keep trying to live. I feel like I understand why: life was so painful for her, she wanted the pain to stop. She didn’t necessarily want to die, she just wanted to not live. There is a major difference between the two that needs to be understood... Anyways, as soon as this young woman was granted the option to pull the plug for good, if she finally reached a point of not being able to handle another second,... she decided to keep trying. Knowing that she had the ability to opt out, that she was the driver of her life, she made the call on how much she was gonna take, it felt less oppressive, less forced. As soon as she had a safety break, “just one more step” became a less daunting task...

In case someone suicidal is reading this, I just want to make sure you also understand this: you cannot give in to the “sweet” thought of death. It isn’t the out you think it is. I heard once that every suicide jumper who survived jumping off a bridge, regretted it as soon as they got in the air... I don’t know if that’s 100% true, but I appreciate the notion. Just because there is some relief in daydreaming about giving up, that doesn’t mean the actual deed is as sweet. Again, there is a massive gap between wanting to stop living, and wanting to die. Also, plus: you’ll only transfer that hurt onto your loved ones, if you opt out of yours. It’ll multiply. Become even uglier. Please don’t. Coming from someone who also “wants to die” (though in this context it’s actually just not wanting to live): please don’t kill yourself.

... because I do. Want to stop living, I mean. These past few days... I’ve wanted to give up so bad. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow that even though I made that final choice of living, and having Armin’s name tattood on my body for strength,... not even him, not even my own promise to myself, could undo the wish. The pain. The illness is still there. Not the wish, but the hurt that gives me reason to want to die.

I didn’t mean for this to become a long post about suidice. I’ve struggled with wanting to just get this out there and not wanting to say it outright. I’ve made so many posts like these throughout my tumblr stay, and I don’t want to worry my friends and mutuals... but writing to the void has always served a tiny bit of help. And I guess there is no way around it anymore. I can’t be cryptic anymore. All this talk about feeling trapped in the wrong timeline, feeling stressed and exhausted or whatever... what I really need to say is that I want to die very strongly these days and it’s really scary, because I don’t want to want to die. Sometimes, when things start to hurt really badly, I’m scared that some form of second consciousness will take over my body and do something against my own will. I’m afraid my choice will be taken from me. I always said that I would be terrified of being handed a gun, because If I were, I can’t trust that I wouldn’t just... put it in my mouth and pull the trigger before I could stop myself. I’m afraid of that entity in me that’d say “let me make this easy for you. Let me save you before you have the misguided courage to resist”. I’m afraid I’ll jump from my balcony. I thought I would, but then I realized it’s not far enough, I’d just break my legs and lie in the cold grass until my neighbors found me in pain the next morning.

I’m sorry, I don’t know where I’m going with this... it’s 5am and I’m awake, again. I need proper sleep. I know it sounds awfully stupid and weak, but I rely on proper sleep to keep suicidal thoughts at bay. No matter how good I am doing, when I get tired enough, I lose my mental strength and all the pain and exhaustion is able to breach the barrier all of a sudden. It sounds so over dramatic to say, but I get suicidal when I get tired. I just don’t have the strength to maintain that protective wall that I put up every day in order to keep going.

So I guess.. idk.. I’m struggling to sleep properly and it’s making my mental health nosedive (though the lack of sleep is just a symptom of the bigger issues I’m currently dealing with). It’s just another rodeo though... even if it doesn’t get easier or less painful, at least I get better at handling it and understanding and reading its patterns... but damn it, what I really need is just to be able to sleep, then I’d be more equipped to handle what’s going on. I’m so so so tired, and I still can’t sleep...

[mcrmadness]

Gosh I love the feeling of being an outsider. This has been a huge problem for me like... forever. Or not really even a problem but just something that has occured ALWAYS and there’s not a single thing I can do about it and I’ve got so used to it that I have accepted it that I’ll be an outsider forever. And I’m also isolating myself and leaving myself out of everything because I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be a part of anything.

Like. For example, Die Ärzte fandom is probably the biggest one with this. I loved it so much to be to the concert in Warsaw as it felt like meeting again with a long lost family. But now I’ve again feeling quite lonely as I can’t fangirl with anyone really. And I’ve got used to fangirling all alone. 10 years and only people I could have been talking to are my siblings and my dad (thanks to him I even know about DÄ at all!), sometimes talking to or fangirling to online friends but it’s different when these people do not like the band or at least not as much as I do or when they don’t see why I like them SO MUCH, even if this person also liked them a bit.

I was just browsing my old drawings yesterday. And there’s so many stupid brainsless DÄ sketchings too that make absolutely no sense - I have drawn them while fooling around with my siblings at the time, or maybe alone, idk. And I felt like I wanna show them to people. But they are making me so embarrassed, because I have drawn them when I was a very fresh fan, just 18 or 19 and I spoke no German (now I’m like on the intermediate or almost advanced level) and it’s embarrassing to me to browse those because I have written down phrases or things that were the only things I knew something about, but now, as I understand German quite okay and know a much more about the band itself, these drawings are just getting on my nerves :D And I feel like if I showed them to people, I should do some really long disclaimer about how “I spoke no German at all and they’re stupid as hell but at least I had fun, right?” And well, maybe we can also blame the fact I was just _18-19 years old.

However, I was also browsing those comics I made. It seems to me that I have drawn my first humans-DÄ comic in the early 2010. Before that I had no idea how to draw human comic book characters but I definitely wanted to create something as drawing them all the time as horses or rats was starting to annoy me A LOT :D And I also felt like they’d come off just weird and creepy to other fans lol. (Btw: A veeeeeery long time ago my 16-years-old self draw the guys from MCR as horses and I remember browsing some kind of a forum where was asked what was the weirdest MCR fanart they had seen, and someone said MCR horses, and it’s very likely it was not mine they had seen because I was not the only fan in the world; but somehow I still thought what if it was mine and since then I felt awful for drawing people as animals but I couldn’t stop because I had no idea how to draw humans and I needed to draw something :D)

But yeah, the feeling of being an outsider. It’s also something that... just always keeps happening. If other people have fun without me, I start isolating as I feel like everyone is actually better off me and I shouldn’t bother them and I can’t trust people being genuine when they say they enjoy my company. And I’ve been so lonely lately again that it is never a good thing as I slowly start turning everyone against me. I mean, I start having delusions of people being angry at me for reasons I don’t know just because I sometimes don’t see it when I’m being stupid unless I’m told about it. Maybe it’s the bullying stuff coming back to me. “Maybe if we acit as if this person doesn’t exist, they will give up and move on and leave us alone..?” Also it’s the seasonal affective disorder speaking here a bit.

Another thing to this outsider thing. For example if I think about myself as a DÄ fan, or just anything I like. I never include myself when these “idols” or other people talk about their fans or viewers whatsoever. I’m always like “oh they’re acknowledging their fans? Nice, good for them!” and I’m genuinely happy for that, but I am excluding myself from the word fans. I am a fan, but I feel like I’m this weird outsider individual who’s just somewhere far away enjoying their time and taking part to the overall mood and hype outside of the venue but not being invited to the party, you know? This is why I can relate a lot to the Oingo Boingo song On the Outside. That is literally me...

Another example: DÄ has this song, “Nicht allein” I’m now somewhat aware of the lyrics and this is also something, like, I can relate to many things but here as well I have this feeling “everyone BUT me”. I relate more to lyrics that talk to “you” or about “I” instead of “we” because I feel like I’m not allowed to be a part of any group unless I’m personally told “you’re welcome here”. That’s why I’m this loner who doesn’t really belong to anything or anywhere, I do things on my own and I’ve got used to fangirling alone and I learnt to how to have fun alone and I’m basically imagining that I’m spending time with people when there actually is no one else there.

I think I started having hallucinations and other stuff when I was 14 just from the pure loneliness. I talked about ghosts and supernatural phenomenons a lot and of course the psychiatrists got worried by that (sent me to a psych ward too) and thought I’m psychotic or something. But now I know I was just so lonely and my social needs were so so so low I started creating “people” around me just to have some company. I also had “voices” in my head, I called them ‘crazy one’ and ‘boss one’ and I was talking with them in my head cos I had no one else to talk to nor with and I had a blast. I had online friends but no friends at school and everyone hated me, the place where you need friends the most as a teenager and turning to adults all the time starts to get too embarrassing. And this all stopped once I finally had friends, finished with school when I was 16 and started antidepressants at the age of 17. Now have been without meds for over 6 years, tho.

Anyway, it’s crazy what just loneliness alone can do to one’s mind.

[shirohibiki]

@where-fading-princesses-live​

responses to your lovely comments!! thank you so much for being so sweet and writing such an in-depth response ;A; it’s really kind of you and it makes me very happy!!!! responses under the cut <3333

-FINALLY finished it, yay, sorry it took so long!

no apologies SHUSH UR FACE YOU DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO READ IT

-Once again your prose is amazing, the way you describe the Christmas party down to the very last detail is nothing short of astounding.

GAH THANK YOU////// tbh i feel like my descriptions are really lackluster but thank you very much ;;;;;;;;

-Sandy in gold eye shadow and purple lipstick, hell yes <3

agree <3

-Plabs moment?

kinda!! i’m considering having them either together or like... sort of exploring their relationship in my AU. karen and plankton are finally divorced and she’s going to find someone so much better for her. so yeah i’m not completely sure what i’ll do yet

-I really love that you touch on Sandy’s daredevil side, it really is her character flaw. Often times she’s having so much fun taking huge risks in her reckless adventure seeking that she doesn’t always see the irrationality in it.

yes, and also blinded by her desire for her friend to be happy... she’s wanted to do some risky things XD she’s like “NOW KISS....” she’s a BAD GIRL

-I absolutely adore this passage: Squidward’s mind went completely blank, any and all thoughts evaporating instantly. His entire body went rigid and the wind was knocked from his lungs. He didn’t return the kiss – the world around him had disintegrated and he was lost in a sea of nothingness. Time ceased to exist. Was he dreaming? Had he himself gotten drunk and passed out? Where even was he? What was he doing? Who was with him? Who was… What was…

It perfectly sums up all the mixed emotions of someone’s first kiss, or at least someone’s first meaningful kiss. It’s usually more confusing than pleasing.

i can’t even remember my first kiss so i can’t say for certain, but definitely if it’s an unexpected kiss heh. thank you <3

-The kiss was very hot btw, oh Lordy Lord, I think I sweated a little. O///O

i’m so glad!!! i was hoping it was hot enough so i’m happy you think so :D

-You jump into Squidward’s mind fairly well. I love all the oxymorons, such as delight displeasure to really emphasize the apparent contradictions that are racing through his mind. And the pacing’s really nice.

!!!! THANK YOU!! i’m always nervous about writing him bc i feel like it’s not my forte, but it is getting a little easier as time goes on. it’s great to hear that my pacing is okay!! i worry a lot about everything so the reassurance is nice dkjghdfghfh

-Drunk SpongeBob flirting with lamps. I’m sorry, I’m dead. XD

Spongebob slings an arm around the lamp, a grin on his face. “You come here often, miss?” He slurs, swaying a little with with it. “You got a real pretty dress on...” As if it weren’t bad enough that he was flirting with a lamp, he dares to take a peek up the lampshade and giggles drunkenly. “Ooops~... ’M real sorry, miss, I accidentally saw yer... Heehee... Hope y’don’t mind~...” He seriously looks about ready to start making out with that lamp. Sandy watches the show, guffawing with each advance Spongebob makes. Patrick cheers him on, and Squidward looks on, dumbfounded. This wasn’t the first time, but it honestly shocks him each time. He could only wonder what that piece of furniture looked like to Drunk Spongebob.

-Love this part: Time to wash away the impurity and the sin! Because that’s why we all take showers, right?

not me! i could never wash it away so i don’t bother 8)

-His little breakdown is perfect. I hate to see Squidward suffer and yet at the same time it’s so fitting, and it’s really his emotional investment, it gets us, the readers, on his side, blim blam.

i love his tears. i mean they make me sad but i love them at the same time. Delicious. thank you ;v;

-I like how you touch on Squidward’s loneliness, and the idea of him being without physical love for such a long time that he’s literally deprived, and of course SpongeBob being virtually the only one in Bikini Bottom who loves him the most, it’s funny how he puts up those walls and pushes him away, and yet he could easily take SponbeBob’s love for granted. Deep down, I always regarded Squidward a hopeless romantic.

he is a hopeless romantic. absolutely. it’s displayed multiple times in the show -- it just takes him actually WANTING to date the person first. and i think he does take spongebob’s love for granted in some way even if he “Hates” it... without it, perhaps he’d feel even MORE lonely and he just doesn’t realize that. because something he was used to wouldn’t be there anymore. just a thought :V

-I love the little Mr. Krabs/SpongeBob father-son moment. When Mr. Krabs isn’t tunnel-visioned over money, he can be a great voice of reason. It was just really sweet and cute, and so organic rather than contrived.

i like krabs and bobby father-son moments c: i like to think of mr krabs as kinder and more in-tune with spongebob and more willing to give him advice and help him out.

- Ironically, Spongebob reminded Squidward of himself

Personally, I always felt that too. One of my headcanons is that SpongeBob is like Squidward’s former self, how he used to be before he lost his innocence and became disillusioned by how life didn’t turn out how he anticipated. Sometimes we don’t like people because they reflect certain qualities in ourselves that we disprove of. And then there’s the Looking Glass Self theory, how we think others perceive us compared to how we perceive ourselves, so I like that you have the same fan theory as me about why Squidward ‘’pretends’’ to abhor SpongeBob, mainly because he possesses the youth and happiness he once had. Also the backstory with Squilliam, I always imagined that too.

yes indeed! they’re far more alike than squidward likes to admit or realize -- even now, they do actually have some interests in common whether it’s books or art or whatever else. someday he’ll acknowledge that <3

-I hate seeing Squidward so tortured over this, and as I keep reading, knowing it’s going to have a cliffhanger and no absolute closure till your next fic, I want nothing more right now for them to just end up together and be happy. I love how you get us to root for them by playing this cat and mouse game. Writers should always leave the readers wanting more, and I must say you succeed in that department.

HHHGHGHG idk if there will even be closure in the next one haha (if i ever finish it)i have too much fun torturing him,,,,i do really want them happy and together but i also love the chasing. i’m glad i’m able to make it interesting enouhvh ;v; now god give me strength to finish the next...

-I like the scene in the music store. You write character interactions really well. And the Julien guy is quite a character.

thank you!!!! //// it’s so nice to hear these things kjdfgdf <33333 and i’m glad you like him haha. he cares about squiddy. <3

- Overall, you’re a very good writer and I love how this ended, and I seriously can’t wait for your next fic!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! IT MEANS A LOT TO ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-My only criticism for this piece was that there were minor grammar errors, and some occasions where you switch back and forth between active and passive voice, and if you ever need a proofreader in the future, I’d be more than happy to proofread for you. :)

-I just loved the emotional charge of this story, how it was more focused on the psychology of the characters. I always find stories like these more fascinating and deep.

feel free to let me know what i did wrong! i’m curious to know what areas need work!

-Otherwise, I enjoyed this piece very much, and apologies it took so long for me to finish!

YOU ARE THE SWEETEST STOP IT <33333 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU YOUR WORDS MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!!