#idk yall im just very tired of it and its so disheartening

[wrathofrats]

Does the ghost fandom know that we don’t always have to be fighting? That not every single thing that you don’t like was made in bad faith and you need to “call it out”? Like I’m sorry but everyone has been so insanely negative recently and it’s draining! We don’t have to be at each others throats 24/7! Most things are not done with bad/weird intentions or maliciously! We are all just weirdos who like the Satan band ok let’s please love each other because whatever the fuck is going on rn is making people not wanna create due to fear and is just not helping when everyone’s stressed for various reasons

[ladycavalier]

yesterday i found out that someone i thought i was friends with actually secretly hates me and i am here to vent

I forgot to go to a small class i have on fridays (got there late, better than never). My friend hanna was in the room and she said the person in question said “Thank God she isn’t here,” and Hanna asked why and he said “She’s so freaking irritating”and when the teacher said maybe i just forgot, the person said well maybe if i had actually come to class the friday before (i was at NATS, with all the other vocalists) i would have known there was a test that day. Hanna said that she told them i DID know there was a test bc i studied for it with her, and the person said then i was either dumb or didn’t care. Nobody else said anything in my defense

This is in addition to finding out yesterday that my group of friends’ first impressions of my ranged from annoying, to ditsy, to creepy. Which didn’t bother me too much, i thought, bc they all said that they liked me and it wasn’t creepy or ditsy in a cringe way, and these are the same people that asked me out to dinner with not a day before, but after hearing about the way the previously-esteemed person thinks of me, it’s really really disheartening

I have been struggling this whole month with not liking myself as genuinely as i ever have before, and that just brought it home how much there is to not like, and it’s not even a matter of “well look at yourself and make a change then” bc it’s not just things like being codependent, it’s just my personality. And it’s worse that people on here have been so encouraging, stupid as that sounds, bc A) i feel ungrateful for still feeling so icky abt myself when they think so highly of me, like it’s like my brain is going what they think doesn’t even matter, and i hate that, and B) it just makes me wonder if someone can only be my friend for so long/get to know me so well before it stops. Every. SIngle. Friendship/relationship i have EVER had has had these exact phases: likes me but doesn’t know me that well; gets to know me better and still likes me; prolonged rough patch; and finally, either gets use to me or stops. I have seen it over and over and over again enough to know it’s completely true, and i can count on literally one hand the number of people i have loved dearly who have survived the process and stuck with me. People i thought would be lifeloing friends, people i respected and liked a lot, even my very very favorite teacher, so many people have ended up not getting past the rough patch stage, and i always just thought that either we had to part ways before they got used to me and it was just bad luck, or they just didn’t like me enough to stick it out, and if they had they would have come back around to liking me. But no im thinking its not just that, and that’s not just ok, its not ok that half of the people i make friends with might grow to dislike me, and that idek if Hanna will still like me at the end of the year or not bc there is no way to know. Its really come home that i somehow drive people away and the better they get to know me, the more time they spend with me, the more chance there is of them not loiking my anymore. Srsly, my BFF has told me herself that once she graduated and stopped seeing me everyday at school, she liked me better. If she sees me too often, she gets tired of me. The same with my own mother. Idek what the heck im supposed to do when i get married and see that person everyday.

That’s why people like tallestsilver and epwhales liking me makes a part of me even sadder, bc maybe they do see the best in me that’s really there and maybe do actually like me, but thats just bc its the internet and only certain parts of me show. If yall knew me in real life, maybe i wouldnt even be that different than on here, but after knowing me for a year or two that could all change and there is know way to know. I dont know whether its something genuinely wrong with me, like stuff i can fix if i work hard enough, or if it really is my personality and “theres nothing wrong with that” and just 80% of the people i meet wont like me and “thats their problem,” and i know wanting people to like you but not everyone likes you is just a human thing, but thats not ok with me. Its not ok that i am genuinely questioning what are the chances of my current good friends getting to know and dislike me, wondering whether it will last, genuinely and unironically hating myself for the first time ever, genuinely considering whether its better just to keep some relationships distant that way the person will keep liking you. Like, if anyone else came to me and told me they were feeling those things, i would be like no that is not good. Prolly tell them to see a therapist. But thats to fix things and accept yourself, but if my self is the problem and its things i cant change that are driving people away, idk what could possibly be done with that.

ANd then i am just too lazy to actually get help and try to fix the things that can be fixed. A whole other layer of self loathing.

I have never hated myself before, but i have cried in frustration at the way i am so many times this month, more and more and more im seeing the ways i suck, how people just get tired of me, and if i am too lazy to do anything about it, or if i really can’t change it, or if something is wrong with me that i can’t appreciate the people who actually appreciate me,...that just sucks. And evne then my brain goes “yeah but how long before THOSE people end up the same way?”

People get tired of me, but if someone said that to me i would be thinking, well maybe it’s YOU not them? ANd that’s what I’m thinking. 80% of my good friends either end of getting tired of me and ghosting me, or outright disliking me. That’s a pattern that says I need to fix something badly, but idek where to begin, and what if it’s really JUST FREAKING ME, my personality, things i can’t change. I’m freaking doomed. I really really am starting to see that, and I’m starting to really hate myself for it, which i know is not the right thing to do, and pardon the melodrama here but who wouldnt hate the person who is resposnible for so much of your misery.