#idk why I even bother with instagram anymore like no matter how hard I TRY dude

[ki1ldeer]

Oh pinterest my beloved, for so long I underestimated the worth of your silly pictures for drawing references 🙏

[thisnoodlewritesao3]

Please Don't Say Goodbye | Tsukishima Kei/Reader

Characters: Tsukishima Kei, Reader, Yamaguchi Tadashi

Pairings: Tsukishima Kei/Reader

Warnings: light swearing, crying, implied panic attacks, arguments, yelling, ummm lemme know if I missed anything

Word Count: 2181

A/N: This was meant to be a drabble- okay, in my defence, I've had such writers block and apparently the feels were necessary soooo. This is 1 of 2 fic ideas that were sent to me by @satan-ruler-of-hells for a prompt thing I did (idk if I can find the thing) and the next one is Tendou. So, maybe get ready for more feels of my almost 5 am angst. I also did not proof-read this, sooooo

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How had things ended up like this?

Every little thing was like the calm before the storm - the most tense calm that had ever existed; you were walking on eggshells, and maybe so was he, but you couldn’t help it. At least, you thought you couldn’t. Each attempt to try and fix the mess around you only ended up in more heartbreak.

The storm that always seemed to be headed in your direction had tore apart the home you’d meticulously built together. Plates and picture frames shattered to the ground; glass leaving you walking on bleeding feet. The flowers of your love torn apart somewhere in the distance now. Breath stolen from your lungs, but not from those kisses he’d give you back in high school, not from the way he’d dance with you around his bedroom (only to shove you onto the bed when his brother barged in), not from your outrageous laughter at something stupid that had happened. This was a breath stolen from countless nights arguing, screaming, trying to gain the upper hand in a situation where you were both at a standstill. A breath stolen from your heaving words as you scrunch your hands into your roots, pull your legs close to your chest and shove yourself into a corner while he slammed the door and left to God knows where. Breath stolen from the realization that maybe things just weren’t working like they used to, and that it was okay to love him, but to not be in love with him.

Tonight was just another picture perfect example of why you weren’t meant to be together. You’d come home late from work (because of some stupid assignment that you just wanted to finish today). He was sitting on the couch, scrolling through Netflix for something to watch. Honestly, you just wanted to eat something, so you didn’t bother greeting him, but the moment he noticed your presence in the house, he was hot on your tail.

“Where were you?” His voice sharp as daggers, digging under your skin and tearing you apart piece by piece. His arms are crossed over his chest, eyes so judgmental you feel like you’re in court. Nothing you say is the right answer, so you choose to not say anything. Apparently, that wasn’t the right answer either - this you find out when his iron grip settles on your shoulder and forces you to turn around.

“Hey-” you winced, trying to pry his fingers off.

“Where were you?” He repeated, basically growling at you through his gritted teeth.

“I was at work.” You rolled your eyes, turning your attention back towards the fridge, trying to ease the beating of your heart. In, hold, out. You repeat to yourself, barely remembering what all those instagram therapists had told you.

He scoffed, finally releasing his grip in favor of slamming the fridge door shut, “really? Because the last time I checked, your work ended two hours ago. What could you possibly have been doing for two whole hours?” He was in your face now, making you know how pissed he was.

But you already knew. You’d always known. Why did he need to try and make it so blindingly obvious to you?

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Kei, I was working. What part of that is so hard to understand?” You snapped back, moving away from him with a heavy sigh. At this point, you didn’t bother holding back the venom in your words. You knew he had issues (and you knew why) but did that mean he should take it out on you? No. Fuck.

“Two hours! Y/N, I was waiting two hours. I was going to take us to dinner, we were going to have a nice time.” He followed after you, closing every cupboard door you opened, trying to get your attention. “But you didn’t even send me a text. Were you too busy fuck-”

“Oh my God!” You yelled over him, spinning around to face him with your pure unfiltered aggression.

Back and forth you went for what felt like hours. Tears were acid down your cheeks, your spit a very special concoction of venom just for him. And yet, even as you were dry heaving in the kitchen sink, yelling more obscenities at him, you could never seem to stop. Neither could he.

Tsukishima Kei was known for a lot of things, being an asshole was one of them. That you knew too well.

For a while, though, things were good. He loved you. You loved him.

As he sits there, accusing you over and over of cheating on him, even though you hadn’t and you wouldn’t. God.

When had he become so anxious and persistent that things were going wrong? Yes, they were going wrong, but not for the reasons he keeps saying. It’s driving you insane, to the point where you can’t even remember those stupid breathing techniques, or grounding techniques, or anything.

This argument had lost the plot at some point around when he started yelling at you for doing the dishes wrong (you still insisted there wasn’t a wrong way to do them). So you bit back that his clothes were stupid, or that dinosaurs were stupid, something. Something was stupid.

“If you have so many problems with the way I choose to live my life, then get the fuck out.” You screamed, slamming your fists down onto the table and pointing to the door. His expression was scrunched up into something completely unrecognizable - a fine mixture of hatred and anguish. His chest rising and falling so rapidly you’re amazing he’s still standing. His hair is a complete and utter mess, so many times he’d ran his hand through it to try and make sense of the nonsense you were both spouting.

“Fine, I will!” He yelled back, voice hoarse from the past two hours.

You watched him head towards the door without a second thought, grabbing his coat, shoving his shoes on. You didn’t have the energy to call out after him, no matter how much your heart begged you to.

And your heart did beg you to; but it had already accepted that the end had been coming for too long.

You lean back against one of the cupboards, looking up at that one crack in the ceiling that he’d insisted he’d get around to fixing but something had always come up.

If you had to say what was wrong in your relationship, it would just be something. Something was wrong, and neither of you knew what it was, but something would be your downfall. Something filled the air with poison and made you destined to hate each other; something danced around in your words and twisted the meaning; something caressed your cheek as tears fell.

Something was your downfall and you didn’t have the energy to fight it.

So, maybe you’d call in sick the next day, and your boss would believe you because your voice sounded like hell; and maybe you’d spend the entire day lying in bed despite the fact your stomach was beginning for some nutrients; and maybe it would feel good to not have that nagging voice that you shouldn’t sleep in all day.

But today would have felt nicer with him by your side.

If there was one thing Tsukishima Kei was good at (after a lot of practice), it was making you feel just a little bit better with his empty promises and sweet nothings.

So, maybe you’d dressed yourself in his shirt and breath in him; and maybe you’d grab that dinosaur plushie you’d bought him for his birthday so many years ago and pull it to your chest; maybe you’d sleep on his side of the bed even though his pillow wasn’t as fluffy as yours; and maybe, just maybe, you watched his favourite movie on repeat, hoping it would bring him back to you.

Those were all maybe’s. But maybe they did happen, and you wanted nothing more than to be in his arms and tease him for his glasses that he insisted were cool. Or to have him laugh at you for the fact you majored in literature, despite the fact you weren’t good with words.

When your phone rang, you didn’t hesitate in picking it up, almost too excited for his voice, “Kei-”

“Y/N…” Yamaguchi’s voice was soft, understanding. It killed your fire of excitement in an instant.

You listened to him talk, something about how Tsukishima had decided you needed a break and would be staying at his place for a little while. Something about how he still loved you, but he didn’t want to keep hurting you like this.

It wasn’t a surprise that you didn’t manage to keep it together and broke out crying all over again, basically screaming and begging for things to be okay. There was no doubt in your mind, if Tsukishima was in the room with Yamaguchi, then he’d heard your cries.

“I’ll be better…” you whimpered, after far too long, “I’ll be nice. A-and… I won’t make fun of his glasses. Or dinosaurs. Please… please, Yamaguchi, please tell him to come home!” You cried out, unsure if you even managed to breathe.

He was silent on the line. You couldn’t take it. The silence, you wanted the noise. You’d prefer the arguing over this.

“I’m sorry…” Yamaguchi said weakly, and you knew how much it was hurting him to say this.

He hung up the phone and you were left as a shell of yourself.

And yet, your life must go on. So, for two months, you pushed your problems to the side and kept dredging forward in the hope that the answer to your problems was in one of these articles. Hoping that your co-worker would tell you some shitty anecdote that would distract you for just a little while.

Yo couldn’t look at your apartment anymore, not as little pieces of him were still littered everywhere.

Only, one day, you came home and he wasn’t anywhere. You didn’t notice it, not at first, but then you saw his mug from your museum visit in his third year of high school wasn’t next to your matching one. And then neither were his books on the shelf in your living room, or under the coffee table. His clothes gone from the closet. Every inch. Every detail. Every bit of him you had left had disappeared in the span of one work day.

And you were left with nothing.

With as much energy as you could muster, you turned and ran in the general direction of Yamaguchi’s house (which was hopeless, considering you had the directional capability of a broken compass and the stamina of a dead horse). You really were hopeless as you dialed his number, ignoring the way the moon taunted you in the sky.

He answered, for whatever reason, and you let out a breath. “What is it?” His tone was even, but something told you he was barely holding it together.

“Is this it?” Was all you could say. Head dizzy as you looked for Yamaguchi’s house - which you just knew was somewhere around here.

“It’s been it for a long time.” He really sounded robotic, like he was reading from a script.

“And you didn’t think to tell me?” Your voice broke as you ran, ignoring the splintering pain in the balls of your feet, “you thought making Yamaguchi say you needed a break, and then disappearing for two months, and then only reappearing to take your things back was the answer?” You cried out.

“You know-” his voice cracked and he stopped speaking. God, it hurt you so much.

“I never wanted this.” Tears were pouring down your cheeks.

“You think I did?”

“No-”

“I tried, Y/N, I tried so hard. But you would never listen to me!”

“I tried too, Kei!” You tried not to yell, and you hoped that it worked.

Some miracle brought you to Yamaguchi’s door, the one you only recognized because of the little frog statue on the windowsill. You pressed the doorbell, hoping for the best.

“I tried because I loved you. And I waited for you, I waited and hoped you’d come back. I-” you ran your hands through your hair once again. “I know we aren’t the best, that something is always wrong, but we can work on this. We can… fuck, I don’t know. You were the smart one…” he let out a low chuckle laced with pain. “But we can work something out, can’t we?”

There was a pause, and Yamaguchi opened the door, shocked to see you. Your breath hitched but neither of you spoke.

“I… I can’t do this anymore…” he admitted, and you felt your heart shatter. “Y/N, this is it…”

You could see Tsukishima pacing in the living room just down the hall, and you know Yamaguchi knows you’ve seen him. His phone pulled away from his face, finger shaking over that familiar red button.

“Please don’t say goodbye…” you called out.

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[snarkwriteswrasslin]

one | hard to forget | hangman.

↱ authors notes: ↲

Ahhh okay. Here we go. This is going to pick up where Darlin left off, give or take a few days so... if you haven’t read that, you might want to stop everything and go click on the link above and do that. I’m a little excited right now, because I purposely ended that one-shot on a cliffhanger. Because I wanted to try this so... Here’s to hoping it doesn’t flop.

↱ pairing ↲

adam hangman page x ofc! rosalie.

↱ summary↲

Adam and Rosalie shared a night together. A night that neither one of them can forget and yet, neither one of them seem to be able to talk to the other about. Between their own personal issues, backstage gossip and other awkwardness, will they eventually find their way together?

↱ warnings↲

I switch back and forth between first and third person (first=rosalie and third=hangman) and I realize that can be jarring for some, so I thought I’d warn you about that now... Now on to the actual warnings you need to be aware of...slow burn. angst. two stubborn fucking people both going through their own issues. alcohol mentions. probably smut at some point, idk. for now, that’s all I got.

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↱ other stuff ↲

[ tag list doc | masterlist | soundtrack to this fic | about page ]

                                                ONE 

[ ROSALIE]

I could feel Adam’s eyes on me, but like I’ve been tending to do lately, I trained my eyes intently on my Instagram app. I was only half listening to what Swole was saying at this point and I think she knew it, because she cleared her throat to get my attention as she nodded in Hangman’s direction.

“What?”

“Did you talk to him?” she gave me an expectant look as she licked the pudding off her spoon and I dropped my head, sighing quietly. “What do you think?”

“I think that if you don’t at least say something, you’re never gonna know.”

“And maybe that’s the way it should be, Swole.” I shook my head as I picked up the bottle of water sitting to my left and sat my cell phone down.

Sonny Kiss flopped down into the chair next to mine and took one look at me before bursting into laughter and shooting Swole a look. “She still hasn’t said anything.”

“Did you really think she would?” Swole scoffed at Sonny, shooting me a playful dirty look. “That man is over there suffering right now, girl.”

“It’s got nothing to do with me though. Besides, look at me!” I shook my head, picking at my salad as I lowered my voice and finished, “I’m a goddamn mess.”

“I swear to God, if one of them doesn’t bring up what happened soon, I’m taking matters into my own hands and shoving them in a closet together.” Thunder Rosa spoke up from her spot at the table. 

All I could do was open and close my mouth, trying to stammer out something in my defense. There wasn’t anything, no excuse I could offer to justify not attempting to find out what the other night meant to Adam, if it even meant anything at all. I just simply couldn’t bring myself to do it.

To hear it one more time. And this time from someone who’d managed to get deep under my skin. Who now lived in my head -and my heart, totally rent free.

I knew I’d never be able to handle hearing the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” shtick again. And I knew that Adam Page was a far better man than I could ever hope to even come close enough to being worthy of.

“So you’re a mess. I mean… He’s been a train wreck too, as of late.”

I gave Thunder Rosa an evil look almost as soon as she said it, but I found my gaze drifting off her and settling on him. Sitting alone in the corner of catering. It took everything in my power not to get up and go over to him like I wanted. But somehow, I managed to keep from doing it. 

“I know! And that’s probably the only reason he stooped to hook up with me! Guys, look. I love all of you but the facts are the facts...Sometimes, things just happen. Me hooking up with Adam last week? He was in a bad place. We know he never would’ve done it otherwise. Kinda sucks because we all know how I felt about it happening. I love the guy. And I just…” I trailed off because I’d been about to remind myself for the millionth time that it was ridiculous, we barely spoke. And he probably didn’t know my actual name, hence the reason he referred to me as darling the entire time. It wasn’t a term of endearment, but more likely, a way for him to distance himself from what was happening. A placeholder name because given how fast we got to that stage, it wouldn’t exactly have been anything short of awkward as hell for him to stop and ask my damn name.

I was determined. It was drilled into my brain. That night probably didn’t mean anything to him. He was lonely, hurting and I was a comforting warm body. We’re both consenting adults, sometimes things happen that way. God, did I not want it to be true. But, I was trying to really hammer it in my brain that more than likely, it was true.

“I mean I beg to differ, but go on, Rosalie. Show your whole stubborn ass, girl.” Sonny insisted, giving a snort and shaking their head at me. Thunder Rosa glanced from me to someone just behind me and as she grumbled and continued to stare behind me, my stomach churned.

“Well, if you didn’t want word getting out, that’s probably not gonna be a possibility anymore. Especially the part about you being in love...”

I felt my stomach starting to churn and I dropped my head to the tabletop, lightly banging it against. “Seriously? Who heard it?”

“Oh, only Matt fucking Jackson.” Swole rolled her eyes as she told me who’d been eavesdropping.

“Well that’s just fucking splendid.” I grumbled quietly, biting my lip as I watched Matt walking across catering towards his brother Nick. He winked at me before whispering something into Nick’s ear and if I thought my stomach was churning before, whew.. It was really churning now.

“Welp, that settles it. Time to look into selling a kidney. To buy a private island.” I tried to make a joke out of the situation, standing abruptly and gathering up my wrappers and the empty water bottle. Bracing myself to walk right past Matt and Nick’s table on my way to the bin.

And then Adam’s table on my way out of catering.

I’d just thrown away my trash and turned around, finding myself body to body with Matt.

“What?” I eyed him, trying my best to play casual. Pretend like I wasn’t fully aware he’d overheard my dirty little secrets. He eyed me up and down, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

“Just find it interestin’ is all.”

“What?” I rolled my eyes, attempting to make a step to the side and get the hell away from him. 

“You and Hangman.”

“What about it? Look, if you’re about to be sleazy, just know that Adam and I were a one time thing. And I do not intend to repeat what happened with anyone else. Especially not you.” I took a deep breath as I finished speaking, my body tense and prepared for battle. I know how men like Matt are when their ego gets a little wounded.

He pouted a little, leaning in closer. “Oh? But you were just sayin you loved the guy. I was just thinkin… If he’s not into you, darlin.. Maybe you could give me a shot?”

“What I said is precisely why I wouldn’t bother with you.. I’m not into flings, thanks bye.” I snapped at him as I gaped up at him in disbelief. I shoved past Matt with my ears burning, not daring to look anyone else in the eye on my way out. 

“You know you’re curious, sweetheart.” Matt taunted after me. I didn’t even bother dignifying the remark with a comeback because honestly, I was just still seething from the audacity of the guy to even say it to me.

Adam and I collided hard. He reached out to steady me and like an idiot, I shrank away, flinching a little because I was still unnerved by Matt’s whole attempt a few seconds before. Staring up at him a second or two, willing my brain to work. 

The second I saw his eyes darken and get stormy, I swallowed hard. 

,, welp, that confirms it. Guy can’t even look at me without being disgusted.” I thought to myself, taking a deep breath, muttering quietly, “Sorry, I.. I was in a hurry.”

“Yeah, I can see that, Rosie.”

Him actually using my name and not simply settling for Darlin’ had a little flicker of hope daring to spring to light. It was hope I quickly dashed. Nope, not likely.

Those baby blues were fixed on me and I felt my thighs clench all over again. My mouth opened and closed too. I couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t make everything so much more awkward than it was just leaving it be like I had been.

“I.. I have to go.” I pushed past him and hurried out of catering, down the hall and into the hair and makeup room. I leaned heavily against the wall, taking a few shaky breaths. There was so much I would’ve said if I hadn’t left in a hurry. Everything I felt, everything I wanted and needed, it had all been literally a breath away from spilling out. 

[ ADAM ]

,, Well, that’s that.” Adam sighed as the thought came, shaking his head sadly. He’d been trying for a little over a week now to get her to herself because someone had to mention what happened. It obviously wasn’t going to be her. 

And if the way she flinched back at me a few seconds ago is anythin’ to go by,” Adam thought to himself, “She doesn’t want me to bring it up either.” 

Just the thought ate him up. It added to everything else already happening, everything that was spinning too far out of control for him to even attempt fixing now.

He flopped back into the seat he’d been sitting in and propped his head against his hands, eyes closing tight.

There had to be some way out of all this. 

He really couldn’t stomach the possibility that he was going to lose everyone. Her, before he even really got a chance to have her like he wanted. All to himself.

,, figures, she agrees with the rest of ‘em. Well, fuck it.” the intrusive thought crept in and Adam fought to keep it out.

But lately, it was getting harder and harder to fight these pesky little intrusive thoughts. He was starting to resign himself to the fact that everything about his current situation in life was fucked 10 ways to Sunday and he was starting to realize that while his friends may have set it in motion months ago, he certainly hadn’t helped matters only.

Finishing his bottled water, he stood and made his way over to the garbage, tossing the bottle in. He didn’t particularly care to stick around. Making conversation with any of them seemed a bit of a moot point now. He didn’t even begin to know where to start, making things right with his friends.

And Rosie? Still a huge goddamn mystery to him.

He felt like they might have connected that night backstage. But then she made herself damn near invisible. And she was nothing if not good at it, too. And asking around didn’t help anything. Asking around only seemed to highlight the fact that nobody actually knew her. 

All he wanted was one chance. One shot to explain that if he didn’t already want her so badly he could feel it in his bones way down deep, that night never would’ve went down between them. That he hadn’t just been doing it as a heat of the moment thing. That she hadn’t just been a source of comfort that night.

He spotted Sonny on his way out of catering and he stopped them.

“How well you know Rosie?” Adam asked the question cautiously, eyeing Sonny intently, hoping maybe he’d get some form of answer he could work with. Anything right now would be nice. Because right now, he was officially out of ideas. ,, aside from the obvious one, goin up to her and demandin to talk. Because of course, that’s outta the damn question. I can’t handle hearin’ here politely tell me that night was a one time thing when I want it to be more than that.” Adam thought to himself as he shuffled his feet, waiting. 

Sonny eyed him, a hand on their hip as they did so. “Well enough to say that if you don’t say something first, nothing will ever be said, Page.”

With that said, Sonny turned on their heels and walked out of the area, leaving Hangman to stand there, his hand against the back of his head as he tried to figure out what his next move was.

,, If I even bother with one. That flinch ought t’ be my answer. People don’t flinch without a damn good reason. The reason was obviously me. She regrets it. I need t’ leave it alone. Let her be.” 

[ ROSALIE]

The door banged shut to hair and makeup and I caught sight of Thunder Rosa making her way in, flopping down into my hair and makeup chair again. 

“Girl, that new guy in Lights. He asked for your number again.”

“Yeah, no.. He wants a hook up. God knows I’ve made enough of a mess lately.”

“And you’d only sleep with a co-worker if you really love them. Like Adam?” Rosa teased and I grumbled at her, shrugging. “I never said that.”

“You don’t have to! You’re a shitty liar and you can’t hide anything to save your life. The only thing saving your skin is the fact that the poor guy has a ton of baggage heaped on him right now.”

“Speaking of… That interview with Tony earlier.. Is he okay right now?”

“You’d know if you’d fucking talk to the man.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. The sting of the words he said about himself earlier came rushing back all over again.

“I feel like from head to toe, I’m full of poison.” 

No matter what I tried, I couldn’t un-hear the words. And all I’d wanted to do when I heard him say it was go to him. Show him that he wasn’t.

I kind of have the feeling that right now, he’d never believe me. And it bothers me.

And the fact that it bothers me bothers me even more.

I grumbled at myself in frustration all over again as I dug around in my kit, getting out the stuff I used to do Rosa’s lashes and the other makeup she’d need to paint the half of her face and I sighed.

Yeah, I know everyone is right. I should talk to him. But here’s the thing. I fucking can’t. I’ve literally been outside of his hotel room. A speech all prepared in my head. About to knock on the door. 

And then all I can hear is everything I’ve ever heard out of anyone else when I dare hope that maybe just once I’ll be enough.

Or all the stuff my ex liked to say to try to keep me with him. 

Once that stuff gets in your head and it fucks with you, it never entirely stops. And I know that even if I had him, my own insecurities would probably drive him running for the hills if nothing else did first.

“You know that doing this is letting Jonny win..Right? The only out is through. You need to work through all this stuff in your head that keeps insisting you’re not worth it for somebody.”

“Did you just shrink me, Rosa?”

“I call it like I see it.”

“And all I’m saying is that maybe.. Throwing myself headfirst into… this.. Is not the best idea for either of us right now. I had him, okay? For one night, I had him. If that’s all I get, that’s all I get.”

“But you could have more. You could talk to the man. You could work through whatever happened. Because I don’t think he’d just fucking sleep with you if he didn’t want you already, okay? He’s not exactly like the other jerks we work with.”

“I know.” 

God, did I know. His being completely different than other men was what drew me to him. Because he wasn’t  

He stood out among all the douche bags and dogs that seemed drawn to me like a magnet. For whatever reason, the calm I felt whenever he was around was almost overwhelming. It terrified me because I hadn’t ever felt it before.

It made it entirely too easy for me to just let go. Take the risk of opening up all over again. Something I hadn’t done in so long that now, faced with the desire to do so, I was actually terrified of doing it. 

“It’s driving you crazy, Rosie. Either you do something about it, or you let a shot pass you by. I thought you were the kind of girl who doesn’t scare easily.”

“This is different.” I emphasized my point and gave a pleading look, hopeful that maybe she’d leave the situation alone. But no, of course not. She pressed further.

“No, it’s stupid, that’s what it is.”

And yeah, I knew she was right. It was stupid. And I did want to say something. I couldn’t keep avoiding the guy. But damned if I knew how to go about bringing up what happened between us, let alone anything else I might want and need to ask him.

Besides, the way he looked at me earlier in catering hadn’t exactly inspired any confidence to do so.

“At least think about it.”

“I am. Constantly.”

“I can’t with you.”

“I can’t with myself right now, honestly. I really went all out with this one, huh?” I laughed and shook my head as I sank down into a chair and took a few deep breaths. “It doesn’t have to be this damn dramatic.”

“Exactly!”

‘But then I think I have the nerve to talk to him and I think of a million and one good reasons not to.” 

“Damn it, Rosie.”

“I just… I need time. I need to ease into this.”

The door was knocked on and Rosa and I shared a look. I stood and made my way over, throwing it open. MJF stood there, that little smirk as he eyed me up like a piece of meat. I scowled at him.

“What the hell do you want, Max? Was my not unless hell froze over not clear enough?”

“Oh.. it was clear. But here’s the thing.. I refuse to believe it.” Maxwell stepped into the room and I grumbled, flipping off his turned back after rolling my eyes skyward.

Did anybody backstage know how to keep their goddamn mouth shut?

“See. I heard something interesting about you.” Maxwell held my gaze, a calm smirk playing at his lips as he looked me up and down. I could feel my stomach churning already and honestly, it took everything inside of me NOT to just reach out and strangle Maxwell... First Matt, then him.. Because obviously, Matt’s been running his mouth about what he just heard, that has to be it... I reminded myself, taking a deep breath as I tried to calm down.

“Oh yeah?”

“I heard you actually did get mixed up with somebody back here. Contrary to what you told me.. You know, that crap about not mixing business with pleasure.”

“See, here’s the thing, Maxy boy. I never said I considered… anything… involving you… Pleasure. So… there’s that.” I pointed to the open door and he eyed me, rubbing his chin. “You’ll wind up giving in. Everybody does.” I stood taller, giving a firm glance to the door before glaring up at him and tapping my foot. All I wanted was Maxwell to get the hell away from me. I mean.. Sure that was tied with the firm desire to find Matt Jackson and punch him in the cock because somehow, he must have been running his mouth and now, naturally, my personal business was all out there for the world to know, but hey.. Getting Maxwell the entire fuck out of my sight was up high on that list.

“Pretty sure I’d rather bind my legs shut with molasses first. Are you done making an entire ass of yourself? Because I’d really like to get back to my actual job.” I rolled my eyes and again, I pointed at the door. The guy had three seconds and I was going to let my inner bad bitch out to play. Lucky for me, Maxwell seemed to finally take the hint and he made a retreat, eye-fucking me one last time on his way out the door.

Once the door was closed behind me, I leaned against it and lightly beat the back of my head against. “I swear to God, this is… Why am I the kind of person who goes without being messy until suddenly, I go ham and it’s a literal shit-storm?”

“I mean, look on the bright side. Sooner or later now one of you has to bring it up?”

“Fucking hilarious, Rosa. Fucking hilarious.” I muttered sarcastically as I poked my tongue out at her and pouted.

“If the poor guy wasn’t disgusted enough at doing what he and I did last week already, pretty sure he’s gonna fucking LOVE this going around.” I rubbed my forehead, pacing back and forth in front of the door.

“Nobody’s gonna even think about this longer than a day.”

I eyed her with a brow raised. Somehow, I doubted. 

“I’m being serious. This is not a big deal. Tomorrow something else will happen and nobody’s gonna think about it.”

“ God, I can only hope.” I mumbled quietly as I made the choice to shove it all out of my head, get to work on Rosa’s makeup for the night instead. In the back of my mind, I found myself wondering just how far spread everything had gotten by now.

Knowing Matt’s tendency to shoot off his mouth, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m the talk of the men’s locker room. I pretty much resigned myself to the realization that if I wanted things to go smoothly between me and Adam, this getting out probably guaranteed they wouldn’t.

And in a flash, something intimate and private, between two people, became this publicly known thing. And it annoyed me, because that was never what I intended. Especially granted what Adam’s already going through with the guys.

He didn’t need this shit on top of it.

[calypsoff]

Seven. Part 2

I am still angry; I am so angry at everything. Pushing the motel door open, it banged on the wall harshly, I am angry at that bitch and she is still here following me, the fucking nerve “TJ, take Seiko and take her into our room” Barry said behind me, turning around facing her. Seiko is still here in front of me “let’s speak like adults, did you cheat on me with Rihanna?” she is being deadass “do you know how crazy you sound right now? Me? Rihanna are you crazy. I ain’t cheat, you are losing your mind. Either way we are over” I pointed between us, I want her gone “Seiko, let me speak to him yeah? Then we can take it from there” Barry stood in front of me “speak to your damn friend, he has lost his mind. I wish he never took me to see that bitch!” Seiko is fucking crazy, this toxic bitch is actually bringing out a shit side to me “just take her yeah, I will come to the room when he has calmed down, when everyone has calmed down” I feel so stressed, I feel her voice is ingrained in my mind and it’s not because I dislike her but because I have been trying to hide away from her mostly, I feel I am at this crossroad where I keep making stupid jokes to make it seem like everything is ok when it’s not, it’s really not. I see pictures and I am like I could have that but she’s just up there, top tier “so shall we finish what we started, you came back and said nothing really happened, all was good and shit. What the fuck? I am trying to comprehend this; see in High School I thought you both dating like I saw it. We all would be hanging out but you two would be stuck together, like twins. Then you would play her off because we would tease you but wow, she actually admitted to loving you or love you now?” turning to Barry “yeah” I breathed out.

Sitting on the bed across from Barry “she loves me, she said she loves me, and she said it twice. I think twice but I didn’t say it to her, I mean I just went there to see what is up. I didn’t expect to go there to see her, to sit in that SUV and feel what I did with her. My intention was not sex, I promise it wasn’t because we never had sex that time, even thought you assume. Robyn at the time, I tried it and she wasn’t ready, she didn’t want it. I was ok with that, but she left, I always thought it was me. But y’all ran with the fact I did when I didn’t so yeah, she said that she was scared at that time, she was a virgin she lied to look cool I guess, but it’s like. When I was looking around the apartment, I stood in the bedroom overlooking central park. I felt her there, I felt her every time near me. She did initiated sex, and I think she knew that I wouldn’t after I told her I thought it was my fault but without even thinking, without even trying Barry, I made love to her. It happened, it just happened, and I couldn’t control it at all, I just felt the connection go deeper then me knowing my school friend. Like I was holding her hands having sex with her, looking into her eyes. Bro, it’s bad. And then she got me angry on the last night, and I was like fuck it. And I fucked her without even caring and I hated that. Because I think I hurt her in a way, not sure but I laughed it off. I don’t know bro. I am in this mess” I laughed; Barry stared in shock “I need a moment” he said.

Barry really meant it when he said he needed a moment, this nigga is thinking hard “so you made love to her without you even realising?” nodding my head “so what is the deal, why are you still here then?” I laughed “it’s not easy Barry, like people think I should jump and go to her because she is Rihanna and she’s got money. Yes she does, but I am a man bro. I haven’t seen it first hand, but I looked at every picture on her Instagram and she lives that life niggas want, man. She is taking pictures with the biggest rapper out there, private jets, driven everywhere, five star apartments. You know? And there is me, borrowing off you to get there and I still owe you eight hundred dollars, I need to be in line with her to be at her level. She is so unreachable to me; my fear is that. My fear is that I can’t reach her, and I want to reach her, but she’s above me no matter what words she tells me, no matter how she says I am not that, she is. She is there but I can’t get to her, I am just stuck” it takes a lot to admit to it, and I have verbally now “you seemed pretty sad since you have come back, TJ even said it must have gone bad, but it has gone bad I guess, you have formed this feeling with her. You can’t explain it, but we know, we both know. But I see it, I get it. Like Rihanna is out of our reach but I don’t think she is out of reach for you bro, I think she loves you like you said so I think maybe you should take it slow. If you want to make some easy money I would say drug deal but then you just ruining your chances. Ok let’s take it out of the equation, let’s say you go to her as you. What would she treat you like?” I paused thinking, sighing out “good, I know Robyn would treat me good. She just wanted me to give, and I couldn’t. I uhm, I just closed off and got angry at myself. I paid for this fancy meal she took me on, we argued again then” Barry chuckled “nigga, get her pregnant. Be a stay at home dad, that is the plan” I laughed shaking my head “but I know you, you feel bad. I can’t believe you roughed her up in bed? Was you that bad?” nodding my head “I think I was; I was angry. The hug was cold, I tried to catch her attention by holding her hand, but things were sore between us, so yeah. I have a lot of shit to think on” rubbing the top of my head “she loves you, and if we being real you do too” putting my head down.

Staring at Mel laughing to myself “eat your damn breakfast bitch!” I spat, Mel put her hand up and got up from the chair “she is suffering bad” Leandra said, watching her run off. She deserves it, I had to drag her ass back to the home, not only that she started drinking when we got back again, I don’t know why she was trying to go all out, maybe something is going on with her “so girls, did you all have a good night? Are you all staying with me here? I have the River Island meeting, bitch is about to design some clothes” I clapped my hands together, I am so excited “of course, we can just discover London while you do that. But I was speaking to Monica, she said that she is so proud of you. Something you always wanted to do, to design clothes” I am actually nervous and excited about this venture “Jay Brown is coming tomorrow so that will be fine, that nigga be making me work! Like nigga please. I need to breathe but yeah, I got that venture and then album, and then tour. It rolls on like that. Make that money” my phone started to vibrate on the table, frowning looking over “uh” why is fuckyopictures trying to facetime me through Instagram, that is odd but will ignore it “who is that huh?” Leandra peaked over to see “nobody” waving her off, the call stopped. I am not giving him any facetime privilege; he lost that one a while ago. Going onto Instagram, tapping on my inbox and ignoring the amount of random shit that is being said, tapping on fuckyopicture, he doesn’t even message me on this anyways.

Badgalriri:

???

Pressing send and placing my phone on the table “very secretive I must add, I really don’t understand why are you being this way” rolling my eyes “its that skinny man she likes, erm. Christ? Chris? Whatever. He is a tall skinny man with a tiny little nose” Jen is such a bitch “shut up, please ignore her” Jen just cackled “oh is it that Christopher, oh ok. You both getting on?” she winked, looking at my phone, he has messaged back.

Fuckyopictures:

Did you enjoy when we met last time? Was the sex good?

Badgalriri:

You got a fucking nerve

Fuckyopictures:

So did you?

Badgalriri:

Why aren’t you just normal!? Seriously, you text me dumb shit like that. This is why I don’t bother, and don’t bother facetiming me either.

I am literally over him, like he’s just full of shit and at that moment my phone started to ring, he has a nerve to call me also “what?” I answered “because I didn’t want to answer your facetime now you calling me? What? You’re going to ask me something stupid now” I snapped, I snapped because I am sick of it, he can’t have a normal conversation with me “I didn’t facetime” he said, I sniggered “you did, you tried to facetime me on Instagram, just because I followed you don’t mean you can use that privilege to contact me on there” the phone line went silent “that isn’t me, the bitch is on my Instagram. You didn’t say anything to her, Barry you better get her before I do” what bitch is he on about, then I realised “oh, your girlfriend huh. Ok, well this is fun. Well have fun with dealing with that. I am eating breakfast, bye” disconnecting the call “girlfriend? Oh my god, what drama have you got yourself into” placing my phone on the table “short story, Chris has a girl that he refuses to get rid of, she doesn’t trust him, has his passwords. We had sex and I guess she knows and is messaging me on there, I am now waiting for a shade room post on me whoring myself” Leandra cackled “fuck me, girl you having sex with regular hood niggas now? I mean ok you knew him before, what happened? You know this is going to blow” I shrugged “I stopped caring, I did care but I stopped. I didn’t text her anything that confirms we did anything so there is that” she can go and cry into a pillow or some shit, I don’t care.

New Year’s Day and I have nothing to do but just rest, me and the girls are re-watching Bridesmaids, but my mind is not really in it, looking down at my phone and it’s like he knew I was going to text him because he has text me first.

Twin:

Sorry about her messaging you, she doesn’t have my passwords anymore. We split….

Robyn:

That is nice to hear, she sounds like a psycho

Twin:

She is…. So when can I see you again?

Robyn:

Idk………. I am here for two weeks now and then Miami. I am unsure when I will be near the vicinity, I have my album to work on and this clothing deal I did. Couple of shows around there too. I will let you know when I need a service

Twin:

Lmao! Uhhh well when you can fit me in your busy schedule I don’t want to service you but I would like to see you but I guess you too busy for me

Robyn:

Busy yes but you can call, hope you had a good New Year anyways. Least you started it being single! You didn’t even like the girl anyways but I full on expect some drama to appear with that.

Twin:

Just remember me when you can make time….. like I did you

I am not even sure what he wants me to do, fly over to him when he has half assed done things. Now possibly got his psychotic ex speaking to the blogs with the notion that Chris and I had sex, it’s not a lie I am busy, but I am not going to put myself out there like I did before. I will probably be able to pop over to see him when I go back to the US but I will mention that closer to the time I guess, let him sweat it out but it will be for sex I can imagine.

[outerspace-castaway]

just found out that there are people who hate taylor swift so much that they make videos on youtube explaining why they hate her.

so far I've only watched 3 and wow these girls know nothing about taylor but they hate her so much. I did rant in their video comment sections:

video 1:'why I hate taylor swift' channel: daniella

my rant:

 you literally say what you know about taylor is what the media portrays yet that set you off enough to make a video about her being a horrible, fake person. really? fucking really/ there are a lot of parody videos of taylor /fan made videos etc, and they have not been taken down. 1 famous youtubers video gets taken down and yall lose your shit. btw taylor's mgmt team is more than just her. taylor didnt have a guitar teacher. when she was about 11 a computer guy came over to fix her families computer before he left he taught her a few begginers chords then years laters trys to profit off of her name. taylor has a right to me pissed by that. taylor isnt the first or last celebrity to get thing copyrighted. kanye and beyonce for exaple have hunders of things copyrighted. also taylor isnt getting things copyrighted just bc, she's doing it so big companys cant used her image without her knowing. and ps she doesnt have any lyrics that say "party like its 1989" im guess youre getting that confused with prince's 1999, where he says 'lets party like its 1999' its called being HUMBLE do you not know the meaning of the word humble, i guess you dont, futhermore even tho taylor is surprised when she wins, she does not cry every time. and even if she did why does someone crying bother you? she literally wrote a message about why she took her music off spotify saying that "she doesnt need anymore money", she said she "has enough money to pay her dancers from her tour alone' she pointed out how smaller artist, like indepent artist dont get paid properly by spotify bc spotify takes most of the money for themselves, she also said music is art and art should be free.....adele too her music off spotify too, i'll be waiting for your video attacking adele... btw what your obsession with sticks being in asses? this video was pretty much just full of lies instead of going by the medias portrayal of a person how about try and look for the truth. who am i kinding you as well as everyone in the comments dont care about the truth do you? just sad and pathetic really.

 video 2: 'why I hate taylor swift' channel: july2ish

my rant:

 kim exposed taylor: taylor was not told "i made that bitch famous" she should clarified that was the lyric but she didnt lie --- omg you hate her bc she dated harry are you in 4th grade, he asked her out. "im about feminism" but you hate her for dating hs taylor doesnt like papa following her -- you hate her bc of her wealth --- dont people pay for spotify too???? -- she didnt sue fans they were sent ciest & disist letter until their copyright issues were straighted out --- the guy wasnt a guitar teacher he was a computer guy who came to the familys home and taught her a few chords before he left, and he wasnt sued -- she copyrighted a stylized version of the year 1989 that was made for her tour not the year or number 1989 here is who taylor swift sued: THAT GUY WHO SEXUAL ASSUALTED HER BY PUTTING HIS HAND UP HER SIRT AND ON HER ASS.

video 3: '6 reasons i hate taylor swift' channel: queen maryah watkins productions (comments were disabled so I left this on her channel)

1. her pr team didnt clarify which lyric she was offended by, she thought kanye was going to use "i made her famous" that is what taylor said in the video kim posted. kanye didnt tell her "i made that bitch famous" "perfessional victim" thats some bullshit. she writes aboutr her feeling, a majority of her songs are NOT about breakups but love songs. ps she isnt the only artist to write about break ups 2. taylor's dad invest in big machine records after she signed to the label. shes very talnted, she does work hard and she walked away from a record label who wanted to sign her because they would alway taylor to write her own music so she walk away then was discovered and signed by scott borschetta then her dad invested in big machine records

3. she doesnt have to dance, really why the hell does that matter? no her voice isnt like whitney or beyonce, its softer, she cant do big notes like they do that doesnt mean she can sing. shes a great guitar player why doent you actually watch her play and she plays multiple intruments well as fpr her lyrics she writers masterpieces, listen to something other than shake it off or wanegbt.

 and are you really saying you hate her because of her look and her fashion choices do you not hear how petty that is 4. calling out nicki is the ONLY time shes ever did anything like that. and are you seriously mad bc she gets excited for friends accomplishments? ed sheeran is her best friend. she didnt say she was looking forward to controversy, she said she was looking forward to telling people she knew about the song, not about wanting controversy from it. 5. "has not integrity for music.." she wants people to understand that music is art and should be treated as such, as for writing TIWYCF under a fake name, she and calvin agreed to do that together 'catfished, disillusioned, perplexed', are you fucking with me? swifties were excited when we found out taylor wrote it. you think she lies on her album credits bc of one fucking song? my god could you get anymore stupid? 6. im tired of this "greedy" bullshit. its a lie she didnt say she wants more money for youtube y\this is some bull you pulled out of you ass. she literally said in her apple music letter that she did not need anymore money. go fucking read the damn thing its on her tumblr page. i cannot tell you how pathetic and stupid you sound in this video, this video is filled with lies get a fucking life

video 4: 'rant why i hate taylor swift explicit' channel: lacye leuko

her pr team didnt clarify which lyric she was offended by, she thought kanye was going to use "i made her famous" that is what taylor said in the video kim posted. kanye didnt tell her "i made that bitch famous" therefore she did not have full compltee knowledge. kanye deserves shade but her point was to uplift young girls, something she been doing for years, she used kanye lie to her benefit

kanye is an ass who does & says bad things to many people dont act like he doesnt deserve to be shaded.

her rep leak the info, he should have informed first but why does that bother you?

taylor never confirmed bad blood is about katy, katy did that herself. taylor doesnt have a prolem with tina and amy she was just pissed about the joke.

she's not a snake the video proves kanye didnt say 'i made that bitch famous' the lyric she was told ' i made her famous'

nothing was wrong with selena defending her friend.

i cant believe how you and other taylor haters really dont want to see the truth about taylor.

a few etsy fans were sent Cease and desist orders because of copyright issues, there are still thousands a taylor swift fan artwork on etsy. if those copyright issues were fixed those fans art were probly put back on etsy.

the only female she is fueding with is katy and by that i mean, katy keeps findong ways to talk about her but she keeps her mouth shut about katy.

taylor swift: does charity work. ispires many young girls, is a great role model. you know nothing about how she influences her fans for the better. how she gives speeches and messages of positivity to her fans. you know nothing about the reall taylor swift, just tabloids and bullshit

// 'So, About Taylor Swift Getting Put On Blast... Watch white Feminism Work'

channel Sensei Aishitemasu // its a 33 minute video. this person wasted 33 mintues of their time to talk aout why they hate taylor (im definitely NOT going to watch that)

i still said something anyway: im not watching this video bc im sure its bullshit just like the others, but why did you waste 33 minutes of your time to bitch about a pop singer and her "white feminism" you hate taylor swift GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND GROW THE FUCK UP. and black people idk how this little white girl hurt you so damn much, I can say that be im black too and get bullied on twitter by other black ppl who are offended I like this white singer. she doesn't do the things you like, shhes not an activist, she writes breakup song songs, she cant sing like whitney, who tf cares? IGNORE HER!. change the channel, turn off the radio when shes on, don't pick up magazines with her face on them, stay off her twitter and instagram. just fucking leave her alone, its not that hard to do.

i just cant wrap my head around these people having so much hate for taylor. shes a good fuking person. no shes not perfect, yes she makes mistakes but for the ove of god there are worst people than her in the entertainment industry but shes treated like the devil

how does taylor have these people so easily pressed and bothered?

[zipsiii]

I ask you to answer 1-100 go!

1. What's your middle name, and do you like it?

It's Inkeri. I don't really have any strong feelings about it

2. are you artistic?

nooo. the most artistic thing I can kinda do is makeup.

3. Have you had your first kiss?

yes

4. What is your life goal?

to be in a situation where I don't have to stress about money

5. Do you have any expieriences with a famous person?

I met Vic Fuentes when I was queuing for their gig in 2013. It was freezing cold so he couldn't take photos with us all but he took one group photo and posted it on his instagram. 

6. Do you play any sports?

nope

7. What's your worst fear?

idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

8. Who's your biggest inspiration?

is it wrong if I say Harry Styles

9. Do you have any cool talents?

well I can sit on the couch for two days straight without doing anything special, if that counts

10. are you a morning person?

hell no. I can wake up early if I have to but I prefer not to.

11. How do you feel about pet names?

they're okay I guess

12. Do you like to read?

I do though I've been in a reading slump for a while

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

Queer as Folk, Supernatural, Skam, Charmed, Moomins... 

14. Do you care about your follower count?

not that much anymore

15. What's the best dream you've had?

the one where I had my life figured out

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

yes

17. Do you have any pets?

nope

18. Are you religious?

no

19. Are you a people person?

definitely no

20. Are you considered popular?

no

21. What is one of your bad habits?

overthinking

22. What's something that makes you feel vulnerable

not knowing simple things 

23. What would you name your children?

idk some cool name

24. Who's your celebrity crush?

atm it's Cody Rhodes

25. What's your best subject?

//

26. Dogs or cats?

both, the more the merrier

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

twitter

28. best friends name

//

29. who does your main family consist of

Mom, dad, and a brother

30. Chocolate or sugar

both ofc

31. have you ever been on a date?

yes

32. Do you like rollercosters?

I don't have strong feelings

33. Can you swim?

yes

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

I'd like to say that I'd try to survive as long as possible but that might be a lie

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

yes

36. Are your parents together?

yes

37. What's your favourite colour?

Purple

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

Finland

39. Favourite singer?

There's too many to list

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

nope

41. Do you like dresses?

omg yess!!

42. Favourite song right now?

Kingdom by Downstait and Dust Into Diamonds by Lovex

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends who I'm talking about it with

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

9 I think

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

no

46. Have you ever done yoga?

yes and I love it

47. Are you a horror girl?

no

48. Are you good at giving advice?

hehe no

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

can't be bothered

50. How are you doing today?

good

51. Were you a cute kid?

probs, idk

52. Can you dance?

no

53. Is there anything you do that you can't remember ever not doing?

tumblr

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

yes, I don't have purple hair naturally

55. What colour are your eyes?

green

56. What's your favourite animal?

any animal

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

too many times to count

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

it's pretty good

59. Do you have good friends?

yes

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

well I'm pretty close with myself

61. What's your favourite class?

any class that ends before it's supposed to

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

Criminal Minds, Supernatural, Code Black, Vikings, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Quantico, HTGAWM, Modern Family, Travelers 

63. Are you organized?

I try to be

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

Kingsman and I looove it

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

idk

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

anxiety and laziness

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

watching tv probably

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

eternal life sounds horrible so I'd find a way to die 

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

go running or go to the gym

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

probs many thing

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

yes

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

I don\t even remember cause it's been so long

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

safety

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

studying

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

I didn't really have a dream job as a kid but I think I wanted to be a teacher at some point

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

what dreams

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

//

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Study and graduate.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

productive

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

As I already said, I'd try to find a way to die

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

charity and kickstarters

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

past

85. What motivates you to succeed?

the fear of failure

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

idk I never remember my dreams that well

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

in the city

88. Do you believe in life after death

no

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

none

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

gardening with my parents

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Louis Tomlinson

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

a very good pro wrestling match

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

that life isn't fair

94. What do you think happens after we die?

hopefully we just die and nothing happens

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

I'd find out all the Larry secrets

96. What's something you can't do no matter how hard you try?

run a marathon

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

what kinda question is this

98. How did your first crush develop?

as if I remembered my first crush

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Yeah, the feeling that I'm just a huge disappointment to all

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

do I exist. Am I real. No one knows

[theressomethingaboutpictures]

3 July 2017

Change is evident. No matter how much you don’t want it to happen, it needs to. Which brings me to how the relationship with my best friend is changing, no matter how much I don't want it to change it is, right in front of me. For the sake of privacy, we’ll call him Austin. Austin and I initially met at our parent’s annual Christmas party for their jobs. He was very shy, quiet and short with me when I came up to him that night; he was wondering why I was talking to him and honestly it was just because we were the same age and in a room for of small children it was nice to just talk to someone who could hold a conversation. Anyway, turns out that we went to the same middle school and we would say hi to each other or that head nod of acknowledgment when we pass each other in the hallway. We had a few conversations here and there, but it wasn't until high school that we really got close. It was due in part because we ended up choosing to do the same sports (Cross Country & Track) and would see each other every day after school and since we knew each other somewhat, we naturally gravitated towards each other. Talking at practice turned into texting pretty much every day about dumb sophomore stuff then into hanging out at each other’s houses and with a group of friends who were older. I remember those days because they were epic, him and I as sophomores hanging out with juniors and seniors on a daily basis at practice then after meets and on the weekends; it was what I had envisioned high school to be like, always fun. Once those seniors had left our friend group changed once again which wasn’t a bad thing, we always found ourselves surrounded by good people and good times. For a while, we had another friend named (again for the sake of privacy) Andrew. It was the 3 of us who stuck with each other even when our other friends didn’t. We knew we had each other and having a regular group of friends even if it was just 2 others, was comforting. We talked about everything with each other girls, sports, you name it we had probably talked about it. That’s also what had kept us close for so long, we knew things about each other that no one else did we understood each other well. We knew about each other’s hopes and dreams, fears, and nightmares. As time went on the shy little Austin I had met wasn't shy or little anymore, he had grown into this uber-athletic and intelligent person who was kind and awkward and sometimes a bit weird but in the best ways. I remember I got my license before him so I would give him a ride home, and instead of just dropping him off we would sit in my car just talking about life, listening to music, we would be sitting and talking for almost 2 hours every day after practice. That was just a thing Austin and I did, when they day had been shitty, or something was bothering us we talked about it. Then it was senior year, and up until then, things were good. 

Actually, let me really tell you how they were. I told you all the good stuff in our long friendship but never told you the bad, and I’ll lay it all out for you guys. We were close there is no doubt about that, but the way I treated him early on was so disheartening looking back at it. I was over protective, and jealous at times when he would go and hang out more with other people, or ignore my texts. I guess you can say it was something like a relationship but that’s what friendships are, relationships. I would make Austin’s life hell at times by pushing his buttons over and over, making him paranoid, starting to tell him stuff then not telling him fully or getting too involved in relationships he had with girls. Yeah, I did all those things to him, and I wish I could tell him in person how sorry I am for all those shitty times. But time and time again he gave me another chance, he let me back into his life as if nothing happened, he trusted me even after I had betrayed him multiple times, year after year he remained my friend when he shouldn’t have. To this day I still don’t understand why, he was liked by so many people, he could have easily replaced me. I don’t understand it one bit, he always understood he always forgave me and I wasn’t even half of the type of person he was. He has drive, he has ambition, he’s gracious, he’s intelligent, he’s a fighter, he’s everything a person should be. He comes from the most welcoming family I know, I never once felt unwelcome. I had conversations with his parents and brother, his parents trusted me to even drive him and his brother to the movies when he had a broken leg. His family was amazing to me. I will never forget the times I had with him and his family.

Things began to get worse when I made his ex gf at the time question him about another girl he was flirting with. It ultimately ended that relationship and started his relationship with his now amazing gf “amber.” That caused so much tension, and I had never seen him so angry, yet he forgave me then i fucked up once again soon after at gradnight. I said to our friend group we were with I was glad his gf Amber (who was a grade below us) wasn’t there because she would have taken him away from the group and we would have hung out and had fun like we did. The reasoning behind this is because they were always together it seemed like and that’s what you expect from a new couple but it got to the point he was never with his friend group (his gf was also in the group) so they would go off by themselves, and we wouldn’t see them or hear from them for hours when we all wanted to get together. That was my reasoning and looking back I was wrong. But this was the last straw for him, and he completely shut me out of his life for what seemed like forever, and I don’t blame him; word got out to his gf and she shut me out as well and was so hurt. The feeling you get when a friend who you shared so many memories with just shuts you out is a feeling no one ever should experience. The best part about it all was it was a month before he was suppose to leave to college, just knowing that I had a month to hang out with him as much as possible but couldn’t even get a text back was awful. Then graduation came at the beginning of June and I just wanted the night to be happy so I went and I apologized to them both and I was forgiven but Austin wasn’t the same. So the end of June came around and we had only texted a few times simple and short conversations, ones you have with a person you hardly know. He was leaving and we were on better terms but it wasn’t the same I went to the airport to see him leave along with a bunch of out friends and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. I had so much to say to him but I couldn’t. I hugged him goodbye trying to hold back tears but everyone who came to the airport was in tears so I let them flow. He of all people wasn't crying he stayed strong for us which I admire him for. So he left and we could only write to him and I did because I wanted to keep this friendship, I wanted to keep him in my life. So we wrote to each other and the distance helped us come back to how were once were and everything was good. I had changed I had realized what I did to him was immature and I shouldn’t treat people like I did him. When he got his phone back we started texting and everything was good again for once.

 That was a little less than a year ago. Recently we’ve been getting more distant, I try texting him and I won’t get a response and I don’t text him every day because I understand he is very busy but now I just feel like I was forgotten. My family doesn’t live in Californa and his does, he doesn’t go to school in California but I do and right now it’s summer so we aren’t in the same state so I can only text him. Every so often I send him something I see on Instagram or just check up to see how he’s doing but its rare I get a reply from him now. I know he has new friends and he is seeing his friends back home, but it’s tough to feel like I’m the one being forgotten. I don’t blame him though, and I have no hard feelings towards him. Sure I wish we could talk more so it doesn’t feel like I’m losing someone important but I can’t change what he does. I will always support him, I will always speak highly of him, I’ll always cherish the incredible memories we had, and i can’t thank him enough for being the person he is. Everyone needs an Austin in their life. If we end up not being so close in the near future I will never have resentment towards him I will love him like a brother, support him fully and if he ever needs me out of the blue, I will be there for him no matter the circumstance.

If you ever get to read this Austin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything. I’m thankful for you and the memories and support you have given me. You’ve helped me grow as a person in so many ways which you will never understand. I know I’m not always the nicest person to you or the most supportive but I wish you nothing but the best and I hope all is well if you ever need me I’m just a text away. I never expected to meet a person like you but I did and I also never expected to feel like I’m losing you but I do. I'm not sure what's going on with you because you aren't the same. Your friends that gave you so much love and inclusion into everything are feeling neglected. Is this purposeful? Idk but please let me know what's going on. This isn't like you at all. Anyways stay safe, Adventure, and hopefully I’ll see you soon.

Your Lifetime friend,

-AG

Guys don’t neglect your friends, especially ones who put up with you over and over. Keep them close and if you feel like you’re losing them don’t get mad just never cut the line of communication. Let them know you are always going to be there. 

Cheers