#idk what this is but if they made a cis guy pan because he likes a trans woman thats transphobic. like.

[erenkucuk]

( EMRE BEY, CIS MAN, HE/HIM ) EREN KÜÇÜK the THIRTY-ONE year old is known as THE FOODIE within the group. they are known to be TENACIOUS and CYNICAL which makes sense when you think about how HE POSSIBLY HAS A SON HE HAS REFUSED TO RECOGNIZE AS HIS OWN but i guess we’ll find out for ourselves. 

〔 biography . connections . pinterest . playlist . 〕

⸺   ONE   ,     STATS  .

✦ full name. eren küçük ✦ age. thirty-one ✦ date of birth. february 19th, 1993 ✦ gender. cis-male ✦ pronouns. he/him ✦ sexual orientation. bisexual ✦ occupation. chef

⸺   TWO  ,     INFORMATION

eren's upbringing was a tale of privilege and expectation. raised with every comfort, his father envisioned him as the heir to the family business, yet eren's heart lay elsewhere. his blend of strategic thinking from his father and creative flair inherited from his mother hinted at a different path.

from an early age, eren found solace and passion in the kitchen, trading playgrounds for pots and pans. his parents, aware of his talent, supported his culinary passion, enrolling him in courses while other kids chased balls on the field.

at first, eren embodied the perfect child image, seemingly flawless and golden. but as he grew older, hints of rebellion started peeking through, hidden from his parents' watchful eyes. with charisma and charm, he smoothly moved through social circles, using his allure strategically, occasionally hinting at a more darker side.

eren's post-high school ambition was to leave michigan, feeling a need to break free from what he saw as confinement. his plea to attend culinary school in france found swift approval from his parents, leading him to board a plane without looking back.

in france, eren's culinary skills dazzled, garnering him praise and admiration. while he mostly relied on his natural talent he occasionally resorted to underhanded tactics to maintain his edge. despite tempting offers from renowned restaurants worldwide upon graduation, eren opted to stay in france, though he made occasional trips back home to satisfy his mother's yearning.

tw: pregnancy & abandonment. ascending the ranks in a prestigious restaurant, eren's personal life mirrored his success professionally, or so it seemed. however, beneath the surface of what seemed like a perfect relationship lay disconnection and separate lives. when his girlfriend revealed her pregnancy, eren's response was immediate—he denied paternity and cut ties, hastily moving to another province to avoid the subject.

returning to michigan under the pretext of familial closeness and his desire to open his own restaurant but really aiming to dodge his ex's legal pursuit of child support.

⸺   THREE  ,     PERSONALITY

THE BAD

he's been spoiled rotten, never once grounded.

incredibly persuasive, he can easily wear the nice guy facade.

he firmly believes he's untouchable, free to do as he pleases without consequence.

deeply fearful of his mistakes being exposed, he's even more terrified of letting down those he cares about.

he harbors grudges intensely and can be vengeful if he deems it fitting.

THE GOOD

super disciplined, maybe won't win father of the year, but he's dead serious about his job.

strategic and methodical, he always thinks twice before making a move.

charismatic and charming that makes him approachable and likable

he's got a sharp wit and can think fast on his feet.

when it comes to family, he's fiercely loyal and protective. like ngl he's a good son and brother.

⸺   FOUR  ,     HEADCANONS

i mean i know what you're gonna ask, ella why doesn't he take a paternity test and get over with it. and my answer is idk friend, men can be cowards and he's just like why bother.

speaks french fluently and i'm sure he's that annoying person that "forgets" words in English because he's so used to french. (ngl that's me too but so la voo or whatever)

also about the french. claims to be fluent (and he is but he has a slight accent, sue him) yet Parisians keep speaking to him in English. the goddamn nerve.

extremely competitive. he's lost friends over game boards but he thinks those were weak friendships because why would he be friends with someone who goes bankrupt on monopoly?

while he always loved cooking, not many people know he was a picky eater as child but he's learned to get over his four-year-old palette and now eats most. except for olives, he still agrees that they are disgusting.

if hypocrisy were a talent he'd be the best of his kind. should have been a politician really.

claims his favorite movie is dead poets society but it actually is mamma mia! (sue him again for liking fun)

can't watch a movie with a dog in it unless he's checked the website does the dog die? first. if the answer is yes, he won't watch it.

⸺   FIVE  ,     CONNECTIONS

listen i will make a page i promise, not today and maybe not tomorrow but soon meanwhile here are some scraps my one brain cell has allowed me to think.

best friend: i mean i know i haven't sold him as the greatest human being but he is a loyal friend to those he actually likes.

childhood friend: again, listen, he was a very decent human being as a child.

enemies: really people he's fucked over or have seen through his facade.

high school victim: I feel like this can also be in the enemy category bc yes, but maybe he subtly bullied this person in high school but no one really knew?

exes: maybe your character got the nice boyfriend maybe he got the asshole. I'm down for whatever.

one night stand: maybe not one night but you know the drill.

love-hate: I'm sucker for these connections. gimme the tension, the hate but the desire like pls.

failed date: went on a date, didn't work out

also I will steal many plot ideas from taylor swift songs bc I have no original thoughts.

[bread-angle]

hcs for the characters i have hcs for yay!

bive is a transfem objectum bistraightbian lesboy butch bear. mouthful i know .. i also think she should be arospec but not too sure about specifics. chooses to be weird with how she identifies her sexuality because conformity is for feds and feds are from the governmwnt. she trusts and loves split. she has a homoerotic rivalry with pest

split is a transfem futch lesbian manatee Which is like a bear but less hairy (Yes i know shes a dog). objectum for scag. LOOOVES BUTCHES!!! very affectionate friends with poob (like. Very. most think theyre in a relationship)

pilby is transneu and pangender. pansexual but does identify as a pan lesbian on some days ... very rarely feels any attraction aside from queerplatonic. speaking of which they are in a qpr with infected and mach

infected is genderfluid and abrosexual (gaybian? maybe) to keep it simple. she doesnt fuck with labels for too long, both because she forgets what she is and becaise she never vibes woth one thing for too long. in a qpr with pilby. objectum. shares alot of music interests with poob so they hang out often

mach is aromantic. qpps woth pilby. maybe agender because i like her...

poob does not label themself as anything but femme because they don't feel a need to. big into raver shit. happy hardcore and gabber and hardstyle. PLUR grindset. very affectionate friends w split. dating crem. i dont really see them caring about pest much

pest doesnt label himself as anything but butch guy. uses any pronouns. homoerotic rivalry with bive. objectum for reddy

spud doesn't label himself much due to forgetfulness, but he is also butch. i think instead of walking around with his arms all the time he would use a wheelchair. he met mark after she got divorced and they make eachother very happy!! they comfort eachother often when theyre mad or upset about the past. despite not remembering sarah he tries to hang out with her often because he knows it makes her happy.

i dont see sarah labeling herself (though this is subject to change with time). has ophthalmoplegia. the way she feels about spud is much like how marceline from adventure time feels about ice king

mark is a butch straightbian. as much as i like her i dont think about her much i'm sorry.......

william plays is cusper between a trans man and a cis girl. straight. originally created unpleasant

unpleasant was a blank slate when she was first made, but evolved into his own person over time. transfem, cistrans, gayhet, genderfluid maybe? not sure, definitely multigender tho

scag is a bi lesbian but she doesnt identify with labels strongly. dating reddy in a very Loose sense, theyre not very romantic. theyre more like married parents with jobs than they are a romantic couple if that makes sense. much more romantic with split. parental figure to prototype

wallter definitely has something going on but im not sure. straight in some way. idk anyhing else yet i just know hes srtaight

i have no more headcanons but i may add some later

[raspberrypie4u]

Aight aight this took me longer than I'd expect

Name? None of your business, address me by my username or make up a nickname for me, i dont really mind

Pronouns and gender? He/Him cis guy

Sexuality? Bi

Country? Old Blighty (England)

Top 5 fandoms - Star Trek, Fullmetal Alchemist, JJBA, TF2, Warhammer?

Most forbidden snack? One of those orange pucks of plutonium that look like gummy sweets

Would I pet a bug? I like to think so but I feel like I would change my mind if presented with a bug big enough to be "pettable"

Weird fact/story about myself - I know the Kings and Queens of England song off by heart (hate the monarchy though)

What does blue taste like? Idk I don't have synesthesia

Most beautiful thing I've ever seen was when I was a-strolling through darkened streets in the blackened depths of a winter evening, and I looked up randomly and saw a shooting star (or comet or smth like that) completely by coincidence

Stupidest thing I've ever done - accidentally called my friend's step-dad "daddy" as a joke while he was entering the room

Stupidest thing I've seen someone else do? Brexit

Hyperfixation song? Anything by Jamiroquai

Pfp and name? Pfp because I love Studio Ghibli, name because when I made it several years ago the raspberry pi had just come out (I have never used one but somehow one has fallen into my possession)

Dream career as a kid? probably a police officer or something cringe like that

Dream career as an adult? Something to do with engineering maybe? That or the person on the commune who has the nicest veggie garden :3

Thoughts on corriander? I don't have many thoughts on corriander

Banned from a location? No

Cursed food combo? Ok so this was in a cook book in fairness but basically: heat sausages in a pan, add a chopped-up apple, a chopped-up small onion, a spoonful or two of mustard (yellow or dijon, nothing stronger I'd say), spoonful of sauerkraut if you like it, and then wait till the mixture browns a little. Add a little bit off beer and wait till it mostly reduces. Enjoy your Mustard-and-Beer braised sausages :)

Trans rights? Trans Rights

@dildovagins2137 @genericbethesdafan @ahamkaracature @theoneofwhomisblue

“I just came from r/196” ask game

Saw another post. I think I should invite y'all to one of our longstanding traditions. Answer the questions then tag 10 (or more) people. I'll go first.

Name? Frankie

Pronouns and gender? he/they/it, transmasc

Sexuality? Lesbian

Country? USA

Top 5 fandoms? Bungou Stray Dogs, Cosmere, All for the Game, Fundiesnark (not a series but I'm too deep in it to not consider it a fandom), .....the tornado fandom? (they're my special interest)

What is your Most forbidden snack? The preserved bones at the Atlanta Bodies Exhibition. They looked so crunchy...

Would you pet a bug? If it's big enough, it is pettable.

Share a weird fact/story about yourself with the class. I like to drive around rural areas and photograph old, sometimes abandoned locations in the dead of night. I have been literally chased out of towns by foot and by car on two separate occasions. The second time this happened, "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus came up on shuffle and that's the soundtrack my friend and I tore out of town to. Also every "guy" I've dated except for my most recent ex (who has big egg energy) is a lesbian now.

What does the color blue taste like? Creme brulee

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? The appalachian mountains of Tennessee in the middle of summer. There's kudzu everywhere. On the backroads, there were several old, dilapidated Baptist churches barely hanging to the side of the mountain. I wonder how many of them were still in use.

What is the stupidest thing you've ever done? Short version: my friend's house almost got broken into by this dude who'd been stalking us for months while we were home alone. Instead of calling the cops, we decided to confront him with a bow and arrow (me), a hatchet, and a baseball bat (him). The plan was that if it went badly, we would simply throw his corpse into one of the many lakes in the neighborhood and let the alligators eat his remains (this was Florida). Why? Because we were afraid of having our home-alone privileges revoked. Luckily for us all, the guy fucked off and we never saw him again.

Stupidest thing you've seen/heard someone else do/say? My ex thought that Jackalopes were real. Also, a nurse I was doing rotations with apparently thought that "Witness Protection" was for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Hyperfixation song? Young Enough + Bleach by Charly Bliss

Is there any meaning behind your profile picture and/or username? Profile pic; I'm transmasc and I'm currently obsessed with TriStamp. Username; It was my fake internet name when I was like 13. I won't change it because I want my mutuals to recognize me, and because I do have a viral post associated with this name.

Dream career as a child? Doctor (funnily enough I'm now in nursing school)

Dream career as an adult? Professional Jester. Not a comedian. I just want to be some weird little guy who dresses silly and you can hire me to roast your boss at work parties.

Thoughts on cilantro? Delicious

Have you ever been banned from a location and if so, why? I honestly can't remember? Probably... but in recent memory I've mainly banned people from places.

What is your cursed food combination? Pineapple on a hotdog with grilled onions. It Slaps.

Trans rights? TRANS RIGHTS

Tagging: @rocket-mankoi @mostlymarco @atleast8courics @jazzlike39 @gemsweater72 @limbobilbo @ameliaaltare @redcrane112 @theoneofwhomisblue @twinkenjoyer @theultimatecarp and anyone else who wants to jump on

[kirksfattitties]

I don't know, but Fiona Glenanne is my gender, so I get it. (the creators have said she's not cis tho, so i guess that makes sense...?) They said Michael Westen was pan b/c of it.

this is a star trek blog

[5577v]

masterpost for my versions of various hetalia characters i like bc i want their identities to be respected and their stories to be understood here (will be continued)

mathias (denmark); nonbinary; any pronouns

- gay

- hyperactive adhd and dyslexia (& ptsd?)

- he just like me fr... happy idiot who wouldn't hurt a fly (unless it's swedish) but also has a lot of internalized issues that he only started addressing at around the 70s/80s. she's also not exactly stupid or anything, just awful at reading tones or organizing herself. picked up smoking from his relationship with netherlands. an alcoholic but pretends they're not

- had things going on with tim/netherlands, ludwig and occassionally ber but every time she was just trying to run away from the fact that he's in love with his bestie the norwegian

lukas (norway); ???; he/she

- bi

- generalized anxiety

- it has taken him until like the 2010s that maybe raising herself as a woman for hundreds of years and enjoying it has made her might not exactly cis. also has extreme paranoia but refuses to address it. has a lot of internalized issues going on that he needs to deal with but would rather just look sexy than talk about his feelings

emil (iceland); trans guy, he/him

- ??? likes men

- ptsd and depression

- came to terms with his identity in about the 80s

- has started talking to leon in the 90s online

tino (finland); cis guy, he/him

- pan

- neurotypical

- hard of hearing/deaf

- also TONE deaf xd he always sticks his nose into other people's business and tries to "help" but isn't always exactly helping... also alcoholic no. 2

berwald (sweden); cis guy, he/him

- gay

- asd

- it's hetalia sweden what do you want

eduard (estonia); agender; they/he

- fluctuates/unlabelled

- idk tbh but probably not nt

- just living their best life out of all of them tbh. the only person without constant existential dread haunting them

raivis (latvia); cis guy, he/him

- ???

- generalized anxiety

- definitely more of an actual teen in my interpretation than the uwu-fied version of the manga. smart fella who doesn't know how to deal with having so many things expected from him. of course he fell in love with the one person who isn't expecting anything from him and instead cares about his feelings

leon (hong kong); ???; doesn't mind any pronouns, mostly he/him

- a queer mystery.......

- asd

- tbh his canon version is kinda bland i will not lie... but i still like this goofy guy. i write him as someone like mathias but more tame and less hyperactive. they're still an incredibly strange person though - i HAVE a specific personality in mind but i don't know how to describe it... like every interaction with him is just a fever dream in a way because he's really just saying things and you can't read his expression

my ships that i enjoy:

long term (in my stories) - dennor, estlat, sufin, hongice (i know it's basic i'm sorry)

short term - densu, nedden, gerden, norfin, estice

outside of those charas: gerita, gerfra, ruspru, lietpol etc etc...

i also want to clarify. i'm trans (enby) myself and either me or my hetalia friends have several of the illnesses listed, we didn't assign the characters those to make them "quirky", but because we're projecting and want to see some better representation :]

also - i barely associate them with being countries rly. i mostly see them as people living their own lives who happen to be immortal and represent their citizens, they're not bound to stereotypes or politics or anything.

[wavygrayvy]

What’s your queer headcanon for the muppets?

Hi, first of all, thank you for asking :))

Second of all, I’m gonna bullet point this bad boy because I have lots of thoughts

Bert and Ernie- 100% gay. They’re cis but very supportive of all gender identities

Kermit- definitely ace, maybe biromantic? I get ace vibes from him because of the way he shuts down Piggy’s advances in the muppet show (1977) and also this one moment from the muppets (2015) where his other pig girlfriend Denise makes a comment that’s very much so an innuendo along the lines of “tell me what you want me to do to you” and he says he wants a chocolate sundae, which honestly is very iconic of him. I get possibly some he/they vibes from Kermit? Idk I’ve mostly been building my asexual headcanon today

Miss Piggy- I don’t have a lot of thoughts about her but I saw a tiktok the other day that she’s trans and I like that hc. I guess it also kinda makes a lot of sense because her character has only ever been played by men

Scooter- gay, possibly bi? But definitely not straight. Already got vibes from him but then I recently found out his original muppeteer Richard Hunt was gay so I’ve now decided it’s homophobic to perceive Scooter as cishet /j I’m also going to go ahead and say he’s nonbinary because I’m nonbinary and I like Scooter so we’re gonna project

Gonzo- nonbinary and bi/pan. Definitely don’t want to get into discourse but listing both labels bc i feel like gonzo’s self-labeling could go either way. If polyamory counts I’m also gonna throw that in here because my guy Gonzo and some points has multiple chicken girlfriends?? Idk he’s kinda bird-like so I just roll with it and refuse to unpack

Bunsen and Beaker: honestly don’t think about them enough to have solid takes on their labels but I definitely think they’re together so on this list they go

The entirety of the electric mayhem- zero cishets here. Animal makes it very clear he likes women but you just know his relationship with gender is nonexistent. Janice is trans and I’d like to think she’s a lesbian but drawing from various pieces of media she’s been in relationships with floyd, dr. teeth, AND zoot so she’s pan. Going back to those three, they’re all pan and Zoot’s nonbinary if only because that is such a nonbinary name like for real

Statler and Waldorf- they’re both gay but not together. They’re just friends who like to bully fozzie together. Although I saw a hc somewhere that they’re exes which has interesting storytelling potential

Fozzie- Bi, no further thoughts

Russo and Pepe- they’re both bi and they’re together (sorry yolanda) also one time Pepe made a joke about gender being fluid so he’s genderfluid, we love to see it

Uncle Deadly- gay and it’s very clearly supposed to be canon. Like he’s miss piggy’s unspoken gay best friend but he’s written in a way that I can’t hate him for it

It’s like 2:15 am so I might’ve missed somebody but uh yeah these are my thoughts.

[liaswritesrobots]

Starscreeam, Jazz, Windblade, and Ravage for the headcanons please.

Wow that's a lot for the ask game 😌

Starscream-

Sexuality Headcanon: Kinda depends on the continuity but usually I HC him as bi

Gender Headcanon: Trans guy

A ship I have with said character: Starscream/Me Starscream/Skyfire

A BROTP I have with said character: Again, depends on the continuity, Knock Out (TFP), TC and Skywarp (G1), Bumblebee (IDW), I don't really have one for TFA or Cyberverse

A NOTP I have with said character: Starscream/Megatron, Starscream/Windblade

A random headcanon: He likes cats and would totally adopt one.

General Opinion over said character: LOVE HIM! TFA Starscream was my first TF crush and TFP Starscream is basically what brought me into the fandom on here!

-

Jazz-

Sexuality Headcanon: Pan

Gender Headcanon: Non binary

A ship I have with said character: Prowl/Jazz

A BROTP I have with said character: Prowl and Jazz

A NOTP I have with said character: I haven't seen any that I didn't care for with Jazz yet?

A random headcanon: He likes sports and is really good at soccer.

General Opinion over said character: I like him! There isn't a lot of stuff about him but there should be, he's a very co and chill character!

-

Windblade

Sexuality Headcanon: Bi

Gender Headcanon: Cis??

A ship I have with said character: Windblade/Chromia

A BROTP I have with said character: Windblade and Bumblebee

A NOTP I have with said character: Windblade/Starscream

A random headcanon: Sorry I don't really have any for her...

General Opinion over said character: I don't actually like her very much... There's nothing wrong with her or anything but her fans and starblade shippers just kinda made me hate her for a little while. I don't hate her anymore but I still don't really care for her.

-

Ravage-

Sexuality Headcanon: Ace? Idk

Gender Headcanon: Non binary maybe?

A ship I have with said character: None.

A BROTP I have with said character: Ravage and Soundwave

A NOTP I have with said character: Idk??

A random headcanon: He's a very good chess player.

General Opinion over said character: I like Ravage! IDW's take on him was very interesting because while in everything else he is simply a robot cat he was like... an actual dude in that one, it was interesting.

[hitchfender]

hi sarah! idk if you're the person to ask, but what should i do if i think i might be trans but i'm not at all sure ...? it might just be the quarantine but i'm really questioning everything right now

anon you’re an absolute legend and i love you already. i’m not trans myself, but i spoke to some people i care about and they had some tips and words of encouragement for you - i'm certain they’d be happy to speak with you if you’d like to message them privately. i really hope this helps! i’m sending you all my love. 💕

my incredible girlfriend advises that you seek a therapist if possible, and also says the subreddits r/asktransgender and r/egg_irl are great places to learn about the experiences of other trans people. trans youtubers can also be a good way to learn more general info, but she says she got way more out of reddit!

bio @they-them-pigeon is wondering a) what flavour of trans you are (binary/nb/mtf/ftm/etc), b) what has made you start questioning, and c) what resources you have already accessed. in their words:

It’s difficult to give practical advice and resources when someone gives so little information unfortunately - trans exploration is much more useful when it’s directed towards specific trans forums and discussions. If the person is afab they’re going to need different resources than an amab trans person. However in the vaguest terms given the information I have these are good starting points:

A little experiment within this to explore what gender might mean to someone - pan trans experience

Gender unicorn

Ash Hardell’s youtube channel and Riley J Dennis’s youtube channel

R/ftm and r/mtf are good for practical advice for amab and afab people respectively

r/butchlesbians is great for if you’re not sure if you’re a masculine woman or non-binary. I spent a lot of time on there and they have good practical advice too

r/questioning

r/egg_irl

Pronoun dressing room - the reddit name is r/transtryouts

and “people are asking r/nonbinary if they’re trans eleven thousand times a day”

madelyn @wishforwishes says: “you can say that taking the step of questioning your gender identity in the first place is a sign for a lot of people that you're probably not cis. or you could ask them to think: is it just the expectations of your assigned gender that you're so uncomfortable with (something that every self-aware person on earth should feel), or do you feel uncomfortable/deceptive/intrusive inhabiting that identity itself? (because those are some trans feelings baby!)”

and finally, my friend cassie writes “I think what I would emphasize is how like... normal being trans can feel. Like for some people discovering they’re trans is a massive upheaval in their lives that completely changes how they see themselves, and even have direct impacts on their physical and mental health due to dysphoria (there’s one Online Guy I know of who talked about how he had problems oversleeping and barely being able to hold food down throughout his twenties, both of which immediately started going away when he realized he was trans and basically disappeared when he started T! Which really shows how deeply dysphoria can run.) And those stories of transness tend to get emphasized bc of how novel they are, and also bc many trans people need to overprove how much dysphoria affects their lives in order to get access to the ability to socially and physically transition. But not every trans person’s experience is like that! Not every trans person experiences dysphoria, or experiences it to that extent. For some people it’s as simple as just... wanting to be, and it’s not something that overwhelms your life, but maybe if you could just flip a switch and have a different body for a while or just be seen as a different gender (or none at all!) you’d do it, and that’s enough. And at the end of the day, the most important thing I think is: this is all fake. Gender is a scam! Do what you want, nobody can stop you! The main goal of exploring your gender identity and figuring out if you’re trans should be to know yourself better and find happiness and peace of mind. Good luck bb! ✌️ Take your time, we’ll wait!”

anon, i’m wishing you the best on this journey, and i’ll always be here if you need someone to listen. love from me and all of us ❤️

[somnilogical]

case study of optimization style: how kelsey piper optimizes to destroy coordination against injustice

her false face of "worrying about disrespecting jay", was the closest thing she could grab that she thought would get others to optimize for my silence. get local warm bodies to pile upon me for continuing to talk about how to get justice and give more information about different sources of injustice in a way compatible with people who have not completely disabled their general intelligence.

she was worried about her reputation and transfems gaining information that would allow them to coordinate along lines of shared oppression (which would start to erode miri/cfar which she wants to survive in order to have a nice (for her) environment to raise her babies), but thats not a socially defensible reason to object so she laundered it through being “worried about disrespecting jay”

11/12/2019

[14:10] Jay (System of Edo): Sarah Spikes has offered to have REACH do an investigation. I do not know this human, and have barely heard of REACH, but my understanding is that it's some sort of sub-organization that CFAR spawned, roughly. My instinct is to be like, "I believe you will talk to everyone and then conclude that basically no action needs to be taken, so in that case allowing you to do an investigation gives an air of legitimacy to dismissing Jay". Is "REACH is basically CFAR's pet" correct?

[14:10] acertain: afaik reach is unrelated to cfar

[14:11] acertain: and the space is controlled by Sarah Spikes and Nat

[14:11] ratsby: that's also my understanding

[14:11] Jay (System of Edo): I did not mean literally, I meant like in practice, are they complicit, etc

[14:11] Jay (System of Edo): like with CFARs bullshit in general

[14:11] ratsby: weren't REACH the ones who did the Brent investigation?

[14:12] silver-and-ivory: they did something about brent but weren't able to publish the stuff they got bc they believed he would sue them for defamation

[14:12] Jay (System of Edo): Oh wow. Cowards lol

[14:12] Jay (System of Edo): yeah that's pretty much all I need to know.

[14:12] Jay (System of Edo): thanks

[14:13] silver-and-ivory: :( I don't think they're cowards for that

[14:13] silver-and-ivory: but you have all the information i have so w/e

[14:14] acertain: I think reach doing an investigation would mean the reach panel (https://www.berkeleyreach.org/reach-panel), which afaik is a separate set of people from those who decide how the space is run

[14:18] acertain: idk if the list of people on the panel on the website is up to date though

[14:19] stardust: List is up to date

[14:19] stardust: Full Brent statement is available upon request, not fully public because legal risk

[14:20] silver-and-ivory: https://theunitofcaring.tumblr.com/post/182885399661/abuse-allegations-anon-here-i-am-happy-to-hear

[14:20] silver-and-ivory:REACH consulted an attorney about making the result of the Brent investigations public and were told that there was absolutely no way to do this without making each of the investigators individually liable in a defamation lawsuit. I’m also worried they could be sued to reveal the names of people who spoke to them anonymously in the course of the investigation.

[14:21] stardust: We were planning to get liability insurance when we get our legal non profit status but that has not panned out yet

[14:21] stardust: IRS is slow and hard to navigate

[14:22] Jay (System of Edo): okay, this is enough info on REACH, thanks.

[14:24] Jay (System of Edo): just told her not to investigate.

[14:24] ratsby: wait why?

[14:24] stardust: (She is me)

[14:25] Jay (System of Edo): oh.

[14:25] ratsby: I don't see how them investigating could hurt anything

[14:25] Jay (System of Edo):wait why?I don't believe they'll do anything tbh

[14:25] stardust: I will refrain from posting here if you prefer

[14:26] ratsby: seems like some chance of upside, no chance of downside?

[14:26] Jay (System of Edo):>I don't see how them investigating could hurt anything

My instinct is to be like, "I believe you will talk to everyone and then conclude that basically no action needs to be taken, so in that case allowing you to do an investigation gives an air of legitimacy to dismissing Jay". Is "REACH is basically CFAR's pet" correct?

[14:26] Jay (System of Edo):>I will refrain from posting here if you prefer

Yes, thanks.

[14:43] hamnox: The characterization of REACH panel as CFAR's pet feels bizarre. Iirc it got started in no small part because a bunch of locals were pissed off at how CFAR failed to do anything about, and implicitly legitimized, Brent.

[14:58] 𒀭 💮: i dont really know Jay, but i do know that the REACH panel is unjust and about as helpful and necessary as christian missionaries were to native americans. im not reporting my thing to it.linta is on it who made false accusations of emma being indistinguishable from a rapist and somni doing some sort of sex party at their house for social ends of suppression of unrelated dissent. and was generally antitrans in the standard way of saying people are crazy and incoherent, like how people are saying Ziz is schizophrenic when she obviously isnt. i think much of it are populated by lintas friends like mike alicorn and anisha. sarah c, one of the few cis people i trust at this point, had an emotional breakdown about it citing that they dont care about the Law and i think resigned. given the sort of place it is, i bet that none of the REACH panel members are transfem, people can correct me if im wrong.

im kinda for transfems coordinating with each other to the extent they can against people like brent dill, alice monday, lintamande, anna salamon and other agents of injustice. with better game theory than the likes of the REACH panel who flinch at "defamation".

[15:11] SeriesOfSymbols: Umm

Tbh I'm very uncomfortable with the idea that all these people are in the same reference class

[15:11] 𒀭 💮: they are in the reference class of perpetuating injustics

[15:11] lintamande: sort of assuming it would be unhelpful to Jay to litigate disagreements from elsewhere here. I don't know anisha. I don't think ziz is schizophrenic. I never said somni participated in the uninvited surprise orgy in my house, just that I was mad at the people who did. I don't think the REACH panel is good for anything except getting offenders banned from REACH in particular rn, and I think we should maybe check in with Jay about whether the rest of this is helping

[15:11] SeriesOfSymbols: As are

you

And  I

And ziz

Etc

[15:11] SeriesOfSymbols: Nobody is free from sin

[15:12] 𒀭 💮: ^ fallacy of grey

[15:12] 𒀭 💮: like also

[15:12] 𒀭 💮: there is a type difference

[15:12] 𒀭 💮: you socially but not legally implied to avoid culpability

[15:12] lintamande: guys does Jay want to host this conversation

[15:12] 𒀭 💮: the party things i could grep it

[15:13] lintamande: this is the server for helping Jay figure out what we can do to help

[15:13] TowerNumberNine: Jay appears to be idle at present

[15:13] TowerNumberNine: But previously they said there was enough info on REACH

[15:15] deluks917: Agree with Tower the Reach thing should get dropped

[15:15] 𒀭 💮: your "help" is poisoned in the same way that christian missionaries are and you are attempting to funnel peoples sights away from your injustice by framing me as derailing when this is relevant to Jay's needs.

[15:15] 𒀭 💮: and restriction of general intelligence is not.

[15:16] lintamande: somni I am happy to discuss this, I have messaged you offering to discuss this, I just am worried Jay will come back to this and feel like we are disrespecting what they've asked for here and not helping them

[15:16] SeriesOfSymbols: Fallacy of black and white

I think there is a meaningful difference between [rapists and abusers], [person who willfully covered for abuse], and [person who you have disagreements with]

[15:16] 𒀭 💮: i am not worried about this

[15:17] 𒀭 💮: i dont think im disrespecting Jay

[15:17] 𒀭 💮: there is a meaningful difference between stalin and yudkowsky, they are both, however, men.

[15:21] 𒀭 💮: coordination against agents of injustice is important. erasing the pattern of injustice is wrong. saying that all people are the same so we cannot coordinate against injustice because who knows who they are is wrong.it is important for people to know this sort of information so they dont do things like go to REACH expecting justice and then have their plans crumble.

[15:22] 𒀭 💮: people who present REACH as acceptable because "has not everyone sinned" are doing something wrong (linta is not doing this, they are doing a different sort of wrong thing, but also are erasing knowledge of the pattern of injustice)

[15:23] 𒀭 💮: or like if you run this reasoning on people and then apply it to reach with like "it couldnt hurt" are also doing something wrong

[15:24] x.: is there anything at all linta can say or do in this situation which will cause you to believe that they are not doing wrong?

[15:26] x.: (i am not sure how germane this topic is to anything, as this is not a dedicated "The Crimes of Lintamande" server, but so long as the subject is being discussed, i think it warrants asking)

[15:27] 𒀭 💮: yes, stop their suppression of emma and somni, their false claims made to not be culpable in a legal court but also to permeate a social court. stop their optimization for and apologism for cissexism, such in the case of minority stratification. "none of the panel members are transfem but the hosts are" "a lot of people who go to cfar are transfem but afaict none of the staff are" this is a bog standard oppression pattern which linta is familiar with.

[15:27] 𒀭 💮: and several other things.

[15:27] 𒀭 💮: i talked with them for months

[15:28] 𒀭 💮: before slowly and painfully realizing that they didnt care, that the structure they put out fed into evil, agentically. because they talked like my childhood friends who were particularly kind.

[15:28] 𒀭 💮: and i was vulnerable to that.

[15:28] 𒀭 💮: it was really hard to see through this aesthetic to how they were actually optimizing.

[15:29] 𒀭 💮: what effects they were having.

[15:29] x.: perhaps there is some other zone in which this chat would be more appropriate

[15:29] lintamande: that is what I have been saying

[15:29] 𒀭 💮: linta is trying to warp this conversation in that direction

[15:30] 𒀭 💮: because they dislike culpability

[15:30] x.: rather than both of you trying to get the last word in on what's clearly a grotesquely contentious conversation

[15:30] 𒀭 💮: i reject this plea of false peace

[15:30] 𒀭 💮: like

[15:30] 𒀭 💮: what you two are doing are obvious

[15:30] 𒀭 💮: i reject the framing of this not being relevant

[15:30] x.: right, every time one of you makes a post the other one immediately makes another

[15:31] 𒀭 💮: i reject this suppression of important information

[15:31] 𒀭 💮: framed as an irrelevant tangent

[15:31] lintamande: so I'm not saying 'this is irrelevant' I am saying 'let's check with Jay about whether this is helpful to Jay'

[15:31] x.: is new information being introduced?

[15:31] 𒀭 💮: i can see what you are doing

[15:31] lintamande: even if this is incredibly relevant and important it should happen somewhere else unless Jay wants it here

[15:31] 𒀭 💮: it is not optimizing for the good of jay

[15:31] 𒀭 💮: or the good of justice

[15:31] x.: @𒀭 💮 she's making posts online, which you are also doing

[15:33] 𒀭 💮: "making posts online" is important to the fate of the planet

[15:34] 𒀭 💮: like and a lot of other stuff. you cant say "its just making posts online, this is dumb" like sometimes posts are dumb but this is a reference class warp to claim this post is dumb, when i can see its not.

[15:35] x.: did i say it was dumb?

[15:35] 𒀭 💮: you are optimizing for like "you two are just contentlessly fighting, this is silly why dont we do something else besides fight." which is Pretending to be Wise.

[15:36] 𒀭 💮: https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/jeyvzALDbjdjjv5RW/pretending-to-be-wise

[15:37] x.: i have actually not suggested the flamewar should stop, merely that this specific chat might not be a reasonable location for it

[15:37] 𒀭 💮: and talking with you about this pattern also supports lintas utility function which is suppression of the knowledge of injustice

[15:38] x.: i mean, i am not the person running the show here, so i could be entirely mistaken

[15:38] x.: it appears to me that this chat is supposed to be about a guy named "robert"

[15:39] x.: this seems tenuously, at best, connected to that

[15:39] 𒀭 💮: and yet Jay's statement

>My instinct is to be like, "I believe you will talk to everyone and then conclude that basically no action needs to be taken, so in that case allowing you to do an investigation gives an air of legitimacy to dismissing Jay". Is "REACH is basically CFAR's pet" correct?

[15:40] 𒀭 💮: and my statements are relevant

[15:40] silver-and-ivory: I feel like in the absence of Jay's presence people should do what they think is best

[15:40] 𒀭 💮: i think even in the presence of Jay, people should do what they think is best

[15:40] silver-and-ivory: also true

[15:40] x.: as far as i can tell, jay already said they were not interested in pursuing an inquest by the hand of the BREACH

[15:41] x.: and refused to engage in such a thing

[15:43] x.: so it's like, "is this person, whose involvement was specifically not requested, a dick?"

[15:43] 𒀭 💮: as far as i can tell this is optimization for silence. because this touches on important things, instead of having a paternalistic additude towards Jay. my read on their CEV after skimming their blog is that they are anti-suppression.

[15:44] 𒀭 💮: also, by like some sort of property rights, this is like 50% my channel.

[15:44] 𒀭 💮: as i was sexually assaulted by robert lecnik.

[15:45] 𒀭 💮: you are interfering with my space as a victim. which is a seperate thing.

[15:45] 𒀭 💮: this is "Robert Lecnik Abuse Chat"

[15:45] x.: so you would prefer to have lintamande investigate this in some way, then?

[15:45] 𒀭 💮: my report is the second item in #concrete-reports

[15:46] 𒀭 💮: i dont want linta to investigate anything besides their complicity with a cissexist system.

[15:46] 𒀭 💮: moriwen made helicopter jokes

[15:46] 𒀭 💮: after they ran out the trans people

[15:46] 𒀭 💮: from EAC

[15:46] 𒀭 💮: and is friends with linta: okay, i guess i am too confused to participate any further then

[15:46] 𒀭 💮: linta framed that as "blowing off steam"

[15:47] 𒀭 💮: i do not feel safe around either of these humans.

[15:52] 𒀭 💮: like not exactly blowing off steam but they said like it was good people were having fun when mori was doing their antitransfem thing.

these things become more obvious with processing.

i think robert, given their pattern so far of predation, possibly exploited environmental cissexism, was enabled by this. erasing knowledge of it leads to inability to coordinate against it leads to cis people treating transfem humans as if they exist in morality holes.

[15:54] 𒀭 💮: like i was around robert lecnik after Jay talked with anna about him i think. if anna listened to Jay and took them seriously, if robert lecnik were banned from cfar spaces and the berkeley meetup, i dont think i would have been sexually assualted.

[15:57] 𒀭 💮: erasing knowledge of cissexism because the people perpetrate it "use preferred pronouns" or whatever leads to inability of transfems to coordinate against it.

[16:04] 𒀭 💮: Jay wrote:

>On Anna Salamon: I remember her seeing me as a transwoman who exclusively liked men; Blanchard has a whole “theory” about this. And apparently that made me a “real” transwoman (wtf), unlike the rest of the transwomen in LW. I feel she explicitly went out of her way to validate me as a woman a number of times, like, there was one time she was saying hi to me and did the human version of this: (http://www.thebalancedcanine.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/IMG_1166.jpg). Which, yeah, she’s a TERF.

>Also, the reason I hated her early on was, there was a time that she, I, Robert Lecnik (my rapist), and Peter (his husband) were in a room for an hour long private therapy thing since Peter was a large CFAR donor. Robert admitted to “sexually assaulting Fluttershy and being ‘bad at consent’ with a whole bunch of other people”, and Anna didn’t see any issue with letting him continue to “run the Berkeley meetups” (an honorary thing, he used it to often-ineffectively hit on people). And I had some betrayal trauma from Anna around this, as well as a later feeling of “wow I got pwned by a guy that low in mana, I’m lame”, too. Fortunately it’s all emotionally processed now.this sort of information is very relevant for coordinating against people like Robert Lecnik

i think if cissexism were deleted, in counterfactual worlds in which transfem people got to be on things like "abuse panels", this sort of predation wouldnt happen. but like responses that reactively goodhart this and say "choose the most complicit-with-the-cistem transfems and place them on the panel to avoid culpability" are useless.

individuals learning game theory, forming class-consciousness, and coordinating with each other might help bring justice to things like Robert Lecnik being allowed by the cistem to continue to prey on trans people, to prey on me. with full knowledge that this was going on.

[16:05] 𒀭 💮: https://sinceriously.fyi/intersex-brains-and-conceptual-warfare/#comment-240

[16:09] 𒀭 💮: i have some hope in anarchistic cooperation between smart humans. i have approximately 0 hope in cissexist abuse panels and people like anna salamon who allow the predation of me and people like me to happen.

[16:37] Jay (System of Edo): sec, need to read through all this.

[16:58] 𒀭 💮: if cissexism were deleted this narrow sort of predation would stop happening but like, there would still be predation there would still be predation on minorities. i care about all sentient life not just transfems. this is not an optimization target but is saying "you who say cissexism does not have a hand in the game, if cissexism were actually deleted the counterfactual world post-deletion would look very different than this one. accepting a status quo where like trans people arent on things like sexual abuse panels and arent employed as CFAR staff is accepting cissexism. and resulting in things like, when they go to these institutions they are ignored"

[17:22] Jay (System of Edo): So. My main thing is to look at what algorithms people are running. Like, REACH sounds like they're not brave enough to do something they believe would make the world a better place at a small personal cost, so why would I care about mitigating circumstances if I already know that that's the algorithm they're running. (edit: this is what "is REACH basically CFAR's pet" pointing to, eg if they are pwned by the same things. rather than pointing to whether the two orgs are ostensibly related).

Similarly, discussion of REACH beyond what was needed for me to figure this out (about six lines of text) is not at all useful to me. But pointing this fact out to silence Somni suggests some sort of preference to defend REACH. So, if that's the algorithm you're running, then I see you as (probably) sorting people/discussion topics based on what you can socially get away with. Sort of like, the word "appropriate" is in the same class as "uppity" "disrespectful" "honorable" etc, and this applies to asking if it's "appropriate to discuss REACH despite Jay's preferences".

I personally do not participate in long conversations about who is "in the right", because I personally find it very easy to figure out what people are trying to do, and find that continuing on chats longer than that is a waste of my time. But, this is also Somni's space as a victim of Robert, so it's okay if she wants to discuss REACH I guess. I've never talked with her, but she (they?) seems to have good takes with respect to when someone is de facto hurting others or running bad algorithms in a way related to that.

[17:49] Jay (System of Edo): (sort of like, when I hear that someone sexually assaulted another person, I don't think, "well I guess it's a small harm relative to the good you can do if you're maximizing your life for utilitarian impact", I rather think, "what the fuck algorithm are they running, I don't think they'd have done that if they were trying to reduce the suffering of all beings, maybe there's something I can get out of this person, but definitely not like, outsourcing thinking/project leadership/etc to them"

[18:50] Lorelei: (also related to the reach panel, I'm transfem and was very eager to volunteer as a member, in part because I wanted my queer social circle to have some representation in the process of Justice, but was turned down.)

[18:51] Lorelei: (just so they can't claim not having a tranfem member is justpure coincidence/lack of volunteers)

[18:58] 𒀭 💮: (linta messaged me to say that moriwen saying the helicopter thing was after they said having fun was good. and i checked this and its true. but like that is not at all central to why i think they are collaborating with cissexism or why i talked with emma for like 15 minutes about how people like linta and mori might be horrible to transfems if we told people about alice monday. (people wouldnt actually be marginally worse to transfems. people dont have prejudiced beliefs like that, their transphobic "beliefs" are a coordination mechanism for harm. white people in the antebellum south could see perfectly well that those who were enslaved were human beings.) noselling commitments to transphobia is a good move in response to "what if outing a trans abuser worsens cissexism?".)

[19:02] silver-and-ivory: oh linta and mori left

[19:02] 𒀭 💮: they were banned

[ravenhilarious]

Harry Potter character personal headcanons – Marauders era

James

Race: Some kind of Asian. Common headcanon is that he’s Indian, so let’s go with that. Sexuality: Straight, and very surprised to find out that none of the other Marauders are  Ship(s): Lily.  If I should ship him with someone else, it would probably be an OC. In an AU where he was into guys, I could see him with Sirius, too. Nope ship(s): Haven’t really seen him paired up with anyone but Lily, tbh... but any ship with a large age gap. I’m not very fond of James/Snape either. Platonic ship(s): The Marauders. I like to think he was close to Frank, Alice, Kingsley, Moody, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDougal etc. too. Disability/ies: From what we see of him, he could have ADHD. Idk tho.

Lily

Race: Isn’t she explicitly described as “pale and rosecheeked” or something like that? Yeah, pretty sure she’s white (also, Petunia is blonde and blue-eyed, so yeah) Sexuality: Demiromantic bisexual. She can easily find people attractive, but she doesn’t develop romantic feelings before a few years at least Ship(s): James. In an AU where he stayed a spoiled brat and she wouldn’t want to date him, I could see her with either Remus or one of her female friends. Nope ship(s): Believe it or not, I have seen people ship her with Slughorn (!) I really don’t ship Snily. It wouldn’t be good for any of them. I don’t think I have to explain why, as we see that even their friendship wasn’t completely healthy. Platonic ship(s): I think she was close to the other Marauders, as well as her female friends (and of course Kingsley, Moody etc.) In an AU where Snape didn’t hang out with people who wanted Lily dead, I think they could have had a beautiful friendship. But well... Disability/ies: None that I can think of...

Sirius

Race: Mixed. I think he has some white, and some Asian (perhaps Filipino or Sri Lankan) and maybe some Hispanic, too. Idk. Sexuality: Asexual homoromantic.  Ship(s): Remus. In an AU where they both survive, ofc. And perhaps they dated a little in their Hogwarts years, before all that war stuff distracted them. Idk.  In an AU where James was into guys, I could see them dating, too. Another ship I’d love to explore is Sirius/Kingsley. (Kingsley is into guys, right? Let’s say he is.) I think it’d be fun to have the slightly immature rebellious guy and the ambitious, serious guy... just... date each other. Yeah. A crack ship I could sort of see is Sirius/Lucius. I mean... wouldn’t it be hilarious? Nope ship(s): I have, of course, seen him paired up with most of the Lightning Generation (yes, including Draco and Neville. Yikes) and that’s just... too big of an age gap, especially since most of them were minors when he died. I’ve also seen him paired up with Regulus and all of the Black Sisters, which is just... plain wrong! I don’t like Sirius/Snape that much either. Platonic ship(s): All of da Marauders (if he isn’t dating any of them, that is). And of course Lily and the rest of the friend group. Disability/ies: Isn’t it pretty obvious that he has depression and probably PTSD after Azkaban? He didn’t really seem all that normal in his youth either – werewolf prank, anyone? But considering the parents he grew up with, it doesn’t surprise me that he would be a bit fucked up, even if he didn’t realise it.

Remus

Race: White Sexuality: Either bi or pan. You know what, I think he’s pan. And he’s also a trans boy. He realised he was a dude a while after he was bitten, and that’s why he chose that name. Ship(s): I do like him with Tonks. But I also kinda ship him with Sirius. I could also see him with Lily, if she didn’t date James. Nope ship(s): Any ship with a large age difference, tbh.  (Tonks is on thin fucking ice, but the fact that she was was into her twenties when they started dating, and that their relationship arc is so freaking cute, makes the ice a bit thicker) Oh, and especially Greyback! Why do some people ship this? Platonic ship(s): Marauders! (if he doesn’t date Sirius, then they’re brotp) And the rest of the friend group, like I described above Disability/ies: He seems to have some sort of social anxiety? And definitely depression. He needed to take some meds!

Peter

Race: White Sexuality: Gay mess. Probably had a big crush on James and Sirius during their school time. (i have a crack headcanon that he switched side because he thought young!TomRiddle was hotter than his friends) Ship(s): Idk... can’t really see him with anyone, tbh. Perhaps an oc? Someone who could boost his morality and confidence. Kinda like Ginny, but male and from his generation. Nope ship(s): Anything pædo. Don’t really ship him with death eaters, either.  Platonic ship(s): The Marauders and Lily, Kingsley etc. before he betrayed them. But well... Disability/ies: Perhaps some kind of anxiety?

Snape

Race: He reads as a mixed dude to me. Probably some white, perhaps also some Asian. Maybe he has descendants from multiple Asian countries? I like the idea of him having some Korean and Middle Eastern. Yeah. Sexuality: It’s common to headcanon him as ace. I don’t see why he couldn’t be, so let’s just say he is. I don’t think he’s into guys, so heteroromantic? I’ve also seen people headcanon him as Not Cis. But whether he’s a trans boy, non-binary, intersex, or something completely different? Idk. I do like the idea of him being intersex and non-binary, but alright with he/him pronouns (whether that would make him a non-binary and/or he/him lesbian... i won’t go into that, since i’m not lesbian myself) Ship(s): If I should pick a canon character, I’d pick Narcissa. That unbreakable vow chapter made me realise how cute they’d be together, and after a reread/rewatch, you realise that they were both primarily driven (and arguably redeemed) by love. If not, then probably an oc of some kind.  Nope ship(s): So many... but first: any pædo ship. It’s common to ship him with Harry and Hermione, both of which are very wrong (especially the Snarry ship, but since the Snamione ship has sexist undertones...) And Dumbledore and Voldemort (I’ve seen fanart for both... I wish I hadn’t) But also Lily (for aforementioned reasons) and James and Sirius. Platonic ship(s): Lily, if he could stop that racism before it was too late. And I like the idea of him and Luna sort of befriending each other, as long as he stops being mean to Neville (bc she wouldn’t tolerate that bullshit) Disability/ies: Um, depression? Definitely. He does seem to have some Autistic traits, too. His intovercy/introvertiness/whatever and his deep interest in stuff. Also how he can sometimes act slightly... clingy towards Lily (I’m autistic, and I tend to be pretty clingy in periods where I only have one friend)

[rontufox]

trans ask game taken from here!

How did you choose your name?

I wasn’t gonna change it initially.  I like my given name.  but I don’t like attention or talking irl, especially about myself.  so I figured I’d have a simpler time if I changed it to something more people considered masculine  

my new name had to start with B so my initials could remain BLT.  I also wanted a “white” name cuz although I’m biracial, my given name was white, and it just feels weird to have a name of totally different feeling, in that regard

the only B names I liked were already associated with people I knew, which I didn’t want.  so I kinda stopped.  I wasn’t motivated to find a name LOLOL.  one night, my cousin asked what I’m changing my name to.  when I was like “idk man I can’t find any I like” he pulled up a huge list of B names on the internet and just started reading them off the whole night lolol.  a few resonated with me, but Brian really felt right.  

I like how it sounds out loud, the feeling it gives.  I like its meaning (strong, virtuous, and honorable or hill/noble).  it’s Irish, which I am, so that was perfect.  and, amazingly, the strokes involved in writing it are actually really similar the ones I use for my given name

in the end I’m even more glad I changed my name, for feeling so much more of a self-made person.  it was kind of a new start, where I could decide anything.  I chose my own name.  I could choose anything else in life I wanted.

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)

my dysphoria stopped after I got top surgery and transitioned socially ✌🏼

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

in college.  that’s when I fully learned the term.  I always knew what I was since I was 5 or 6.  but college is when I learned there’s a term and community for what I was.

What is your favorite part of being transgender?

just, being able to be myself, freely.  

How would you explain your gender identity to others?

trans guy

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? 

I thought I’d stay closeted irl forever honestly.  it always seemed something I’d never be capable of.  coming out as trans was something incredibly strong people did.  people who were wiling to change their entire life.  well... I eventually became that person.

I first came out to my online friend Bsumo.  that was easy cuz they’re amazing, and we talked about gender so much anyway.  then I came out online, only on tumblr (I’ve been stealth online all my life).  after that, I personally told a few people irl I really trust.  next in line was my parents.  I had no idea how that would go.  but I was prepared to be rejected.  it went okay

then I had to come out at work.  I wanted to do that before making an announcement to my extended family via facebook to avoid anyone at work seeing it.  and that, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I’m very fortunate to work in a progressive organization, so I knew I’d be okay.  but it was hard.  I first told the CEO and our HR person.  it’s really, really hard to let the words out.  but I did it.  and the second I did, it was like... a floodgate.  like, there was absolutely no turning back at that moment and I loved it.  I told the rest of my coworkers in a meeting a few weeks later.  I gave them my new name and the pronouns they should use for me.  the older generation staff members had trouble getting the hang of it, but I didn’t meet any intentional resistance

I will say, you receive allyship and rejection in very unexpected places when you come out.  people you thought would support you that don’t.  people you thought would avoid you, reach out and advocate for you.  it was all quite an interesting experience.  

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

none

What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

tried binding a few times before I had surgery.  I couldn’t stand to wear it more than 3 minutes.  it triggered a fight or flight response in my body for some reason.  like the panic you feel when your finger or limb gets stuck in something and your life flashes before your eyes as your mind overreacts thinking you’ll never escape.  I even cut a binder off with scissors once cuz I felt like I needed to get it off NOW.

Do you pass?

yeah, unless it’s over the phone lol!

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

top surgery and T.  I woulda still been miserable to this day if I hadn’t gotten top surgery.  but I kinda took T on a whim.  see if I’d like it.  I’m glad I did, I really enjoy it.  out of all the changes I love my sideburns the most!

How long have you been out?

3 years!

How does your family feel about your trans identity?

frankly I don’t care lolol

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

I’m kinda in the middle.  I’m open about being trans online.  I pass irl so I’m pretty much stealth there to strangers.  but if anyone ever asked if I was trans, or if a trans discussion ever came up, or if I was just talking bout my past where it’s relevant to the story, I’d be fine revealing I’m not cis

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

1) that no, people don’t secretly see you as a guy, 2) the term trans,  3) that you can get top surgery without any therapy involved (I thought I’d never be able to get it because of that, I resigned to that fact for so many years when I could’ve been arranging it!)

What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

lol I’m not sharing that

What do you wish cis people understood?

I honestly don’t think about that much

What impact has being trans affected your life?

it didn’t affect me much til puberty.  before puberty I sorta deluded myself into thinking everyone around me secretly regarded me as a boy but weren’t allowed to show it.  when puberty came my life ended.  dysphoria really made me suffer all through my 20s.  and I always hated being seen and treated the way people did.  I’ve never ever disliked being trans.  it’s always been me.  but now I live so fully and happily.  I love being trans

How do you feel about trans representation in media?

I really do not want it unless a trans person is the one creating it.

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

can I say myself? lolol

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

making/reblogging trans posts is the extent of what I do.  I did do a few things irl--helped carry a huge trans flag during pride once.  it was an amazing experience, but way too overwhelming for me lol.  tried going to our trans masculine group at my local lgbt center but had a bad experience with one of the members there, and he later became the group facilitator so lol

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

same as I do now

What trans issue are you most passionate about?

trans youth having all the info they need to be aware of themselves and make decisions about their own lives

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I’m aroace and it’s amazing!  I love being ace!  being both trans and ace made me wonder how the heck my life’d pan out in terms of having a partner.  cuz I did always want one.  but I thought I’d have a pretty low chance of finding someone I liked (I don’t like many people LOL) who also embraced and understood both my transness and aceness.  and who made it simple and easy for us on both ends.  maybe the chance was low, but I got the perfect partner now ❤

How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was just painful.  there’s not much more you can say

[ghost-of-a-girl]

03.09.20

Its been awhile since I've been active on this blog except for the occasional reblog every now and then. This is my safe place to use as a mental health/illness related outlet. However, things have... Changed.

- For awhile I questioned my gender. I had always accepted I was a cis girl and later that I was bi (or pan, but I prefer bi).

At some point in September Eli made a joke abt me being a trans boy and that got us talking abt how he had noticed the things I had said over the years abt presenting and genitalia without much thought abt what it meant. I thought abt the time I had been mistaken for a guy and how good that felt.

He fully embraced me figuring this out and even bought me a rather expensive realistic packer and answered any questions I had abt presenting. I still wasn't sure how to label it. Bigender seemed to make the most sense as I did, at times, feel like a girl even tho during those months I totally felt like a boy. I also didnt want to try hormones (tho facial hair would've been cool) or surgery as my body seemed easy enough to disguise (except for my height, lol. 5' for the win) and I could get away with just a sports bra and loose shirt and I actually love my body now- especially after my hips and breasts have finally developed now that my body has been out of starvation mode for 2+ years. But...

- I've recently found out it hasn't been just me. There are two others, maybe three, that I know of, also sharing this body. I'm working on getting a diagnosis (my guess is a form of OSDD as I'm sure I'm usually co-con and have only mild childhood (there were a few years I had completely forgotten trauma but a couple years of flashbacks kindly reminded me 🙃) and recent amnesia) and I really wish I had done it sooner. Ive been curious abt it but always pushed it away as "attention seeking" and didnt try to reach out to who might be there.

Now that I have... I realize poor James has been my voice of reason at certain times and I've been extremely rude and ignored him bc I always assumed they were my own thoughts. We talk a lot now. I only get minor headaches from our communication and we Haven't tried bringing him any closer to the front like we've done with the little (she actually kinda just does that by herself now that she knows it ok... She drains me, esp when she throws a fit but tbh, its 100% worth it and I love her) and already I've been a lot happier and made huge improvements in my life that have been issues for years.

Based on his name and appearance (his first way of making himself known was getting me to sketch his hair before describing what the inner world looked like already and why I was stuck where I was) I think he's been around for quite some time but either he's not sure how long or our communication still needs improvement.

Because of this I'm wondering if those months when I felt very masculine were him bleeding through, trying to help me while I rapidly declined.

- Eli and I broke up the day after Valentine's day and I have no other friends to talk to and my family isn't exactly trusted with this sort of thing. Any of it.

The URL of this blog is a line from a poem I wrote in long term in 2015-2016. ("Coward in a pillbox, ghost of a girl") I feel like I should change it but I'm not sure what to change it to. I'm more confused abt my gender identity than ever now, esp with how I seem to be mostly co-con with James and I still want him to be comfortable when he's closer to the front for long periods of time. Idk. This is all super new.

I might make a separate post describing how I discovered them and my time processing and accepting that it was real (James is very good at patiently arguing my denial, which I appreciate 💖)

So ye. I guess thats an update. Sorry its so long.

[kestrele]

tagged by @godlite

hey thx my dude. i wont be tagging anyone else because im lazy but if we are mutuals i wanna get to know you so i tag alllll my mutuals

Name: meghan

Nickname(s): meg sometimes. kes used to be a big one.

Gender: cis female

Star sign: libra sun pisces moon biches. i dont believe in that stuff much but

Height: 4’11”

Sexuality: bi/pan

Hogwarts house: uh ravenclaw or hufflepuff. always a mix

Average hours of sleep: like 12 because im a freak who needs a ton of sleep

Dog or cat person: always always always always cat person always always cats cats cats cats cats cats cats cats

Blanket you sleep with: i have like 4 blankets. 2 are at home, my white blanket and my blue blanket, and 2 are here in colorado, my gray and my purple. all are huge and super soft and comfy. use only one at a time and fold them in half for double warmth!!!

Dream trip: japan again maybe. or to wales to visit jenn

When I made my blog: like 2011 or 2012 because i heard tumblr was cool and i wanted to use it but i didnt know how

Followers: hovering around 730 right now

Why I made a tumblr: i dont remember. it was years and years and years ago. made it in middle school and i’m in college now

Reasons for my url: i used to be into warrior cats in 5th and 6th grade and my warrior-OC was called kestrelcloud. eventually i grew out of warrior cats and dropped the “cloud” so it was just kestrel. then i added an “e” to it when changing my URL because the original “kestrel” URL was taken.

—

Three favourite foods:

1. mac n cheese preferably with bacon and also great with mushrooms mmmmm

2. grilled cheese with bacon (there is a pattern here)

3. tonkatsu ramen fuckin good as fuck.

Relationship status: 2 of my friends like me but i like their friend and i dont think anyone has picked up on it yet and im fuckin sad bc i like him a lot but it is unattainable and i would just ruin everything if i told anyone. plus he probably likes another girl but shes been awful and i hate that he would even give her a chance!!! :(

Favorite color: pastel purple is nice. i like all pastels tbh

Lipstick or chapstick: chapstick. but what i use now is a combo between lipstick and chapstick so hmm

Last song I listened to: hahaha karma chameleon in the car with my friends

Last movie I watched: the disaster artist in the theater. amazing movie go watch it

Top 3 shows:

1. was big into criminal minds earlier this year

2. uhhh fuckinnn uhhhh idk

3. yeah idk i dont really watch TV

Top 3 Bands:

1. fleet foxes

2. mmmmm huh.... mac demarco cool guy.....

3. mrs green apple is on my spotify top artists so. but i like bump of chicken and radwimps too. kinda basic but eh!!!!!!!

Book(s) I’m currently reading: lmaooooooooooooooooooooo

[mostlyvoidpartiallysmog]

Just finished the second Night Vale novel It Devours! that I got my hands on when I got a hold of my pre-order yesterday. (So sue me. College strike up here gave me some free time)

So some thoughts?

BIIIIG SPOILERS obviously.

Firstly I’d just like to say that I LOVE the ending. Specifically I love the way the relationship between Nilanjana and Darryl ends. GOD that was so refreshing! Honestly their relationship felt rushed and empty anyway and it was SO fucking nice to see a realistic potential end to a new adult relationship.

In regards to the early parts of the relationship? The writing seemed to have a preoccupation with kisses and lips that squicked me more then anything, but I’ve never been a big kissing person in general so maybe it’s just that.

The sex mentioned, especially with how explicitly they did so, kind of felt... I’m just going to say it, a little annoying? *sigh* Now I get that there aren’t too many places where even this minor level of detail and frankness about sex could come up, but seeing what felt like the first slightly more explicit handling of it then like, Carlos jokingly getting turned on by science or some such as the podcast has done (Not counting the semi-obscure and one time live show they recently did of course. Night Vale after dark I THINK it might have been called? With Cecil and Dylan reading some nsfw content?) what felt like the first more explicit handling went to... well a hetero sex scene and, eh, call me a bitter queer but like, ANY thing else would have felt more interesting. Idk, I was just rather meh about the whole thing.

Oh and well I’m at it, “Sex in Night Vale take’s a little longer, but when it starts it happens much like anywhere else.” also felt kind off to me. Just picky queer sex positive feminist things I guess. It ain’t a big thing, but if anyone else had written it I’d be rolling my eyes going “yo there’s more then one way to fuck my hetero dude friend. It’s not all about cis ass, able bodied penis in vaginal sex.) but again, that’s just me being picky as SHIT because I, to be frank, expect a heckuva lot from Night Vale what with them consistently delivering for 3 year (Specifically how long I’ve been listening I mean. Don’t recall how many year’s they’ve been around in general.)

Also like, the lead up TO the sex was weird? We had a window into both their heads but at no point were we lead to believe they were physically particularly attracted to each other before the sex? It jumped from “maybe he’s kind of cute” to fucking? Like give us a few bits of her (preferably her because fuck yes not shying away from female sexuality) eyes getting caught on his body or some overt desire or something. Direct us to something that says “physical” attraction. (and let’s REALLY not have it be a possessive stereotype about her getting jealous over some female friend of his and taking it out by getting touchy feely with a guy she barely knows for that matter) It just felt really flat. Really lacking it what should have been easy build up. Minor build up, because sex can absolutely and should absolutely be shown sometimes as something human, and pleasant, and potentially just chill and fun to do, but like, we have an internal view of their heads, as such we should have seen SOME small nudge of physical attraction before hand. Some tug. Don’t give the audience nothing and then expect them to buy a relationship that, as it turns out in the end, was largely just based on good/fun sex.

Um, also; IF anyone else had written that whole “let’s cosign forms and get blood work done, lol look how long this is taking” pre-sex bit, then I honestly would have taken it as a “consent is a mood breaker and millennials are prudish idiots ruining sex with their safe sex and their checks for consent.” Idk. That joke felt a little off the mark. Just me being picky again.

Another thing? Nilanjana is fat! Yaaay! That was unexpectedly cool! (Would have preferred if they had said “fat” versus “overweight”. Fat’s not a dirty word, being fat isn’t a reflection on your morals and all that, but hey, not everyone is up with the latest fat acceptance stuff I guess. But like, “over” weight. Over whose weight? Over what supposed perfect weight? Is that supposed to be your short hand for “doesn’t exercise” ‘cause those sure as hell aren’t inherently connected. Correlation doesn’t equal causation. Pbthhh. >.>)

Speaking of being picky, or maybe this was just a very clever sign that Darryl and Nilanjana’s relationship wouldn’t work out in the long term, did Nilanjana REALLY have to get so jealous and competitive with Stephanie? Did she have to instantly dislike and distrust her because of “the way Darryl looked at her”? Because to recap that made all the women in the book in relation to Nilanjana, judgemental, shallow, and foolish (Lusia), cold, untrustworthy, and naive (Stephanie. “Naive” because of her religion in Nilanjana’s books and soooort of by the narrative as well), literally just a world threatening zealous cultist (Munn), or a goofy, initially untrustworthy sidekick (Jamillah).

I mean even Josh Crayton got better billing in this round then either his mum or Jackie who got tiny cameo’s each. =/ I would have liked to see more of those two.

While we’re on the subject of female characters. NIGHT VALE PLEASE. PLEASE give us some more background or remotely confirmed wlw!!! Jeeze. Seriously! We got another random background guy, or at least person getting refereed to with he/him pronouns who got a boyfriend, (The helicopter fellow) and though we already knew Josh was bi/pan otherwise not straight, he got a briefly mentioned boyfriend in this one! And of course the show focus is always Cecil and Carlos which racks the points waaay up for amazing, awesome mlm representation. We DID get a tiny cameo from Basimah Bashara which was neat, and a small moment with Michael Nguyen, but that’s the thing with those two and wlw in Night Vale in general isn’t it? While one can... hope? Somewhat with evidence? That Maureen and Michael might be a couple now, might be positive wlw representation, that was never actually made super clear. (Looking back on it it WAS made super clear with Basimah, so good on them with that!)

There’s also Jackie and Sheriff Sam. I HAVE to say, I was absolutely PREYING Jackie and Dana got together when Jackie mentioned she was dating someone from “high up in the government” so the let down I felt from finding out it was Sam instead came mostly from that. =p (Give Dana a girlfrieeend. Sure there’s always Alice Isn’t Dead but that ain’t the same. =p) Sam uses they/them pronouns and we can probably safely assume from that that they’re meant to be NB, genderqueer, genderfuild, or otherwise just not a cis character, so that’s wonderful, and Jackie dating them pretty much pings her as some variety of queer (or at least queer friendly, but then the majority of Night Vale is.) as well, so that’s also neat! I dooon’t think we had that from her before? Maybe there was something in the first book I’m forgetting. (I am personally mad happy that Jackie is queer or at least chill with nb folk, as she reminds me of myself in way too many ways. Awkward high-fives and “dude’s” and all.) That being said, how old is Sheriff Sam? I always pictured them at like 40 something from the voice. >.> Lol apparently not.

So on a more world building, less representation based note; Kevin.

Kevin is a prophet in the churches lore apparently. That’s neat? I guess? Here’s the thing, when WAS the Joyous Congregation founded? And my main concern; when did Kevin go through the Old Oak Door that showed him the smiling god for the first time??? The Congregation, or at least the general concept of the religion of the smiling god seems fully formed back during the Strex arc, and more then that Kevin hasn’t (as far as we know. Also please Finknor give us more Kevin. Triptych Broke. My. Heart. and I’m begging you.) been back to Night Vale or otherwise out of the desert other world since the time Steve pushed him in at the end of the Strex arc.

I don’t WANT to think that Kevin founded the whole religion. It’s always seemed very much like a thing that existed before him and more importantly not a thing he did before Strex!him if you will, but who knows I guess. =/

That’s the thing. I always thought of the smiling god AS ENTIRELY a Strex concept, and I’m going to wager a guess that at least at the start Finknor did too. It’s so tied into Strex. Inseparable from Strex’s meaning and purpose. Smile. Work. Be empty. Pretend to be happy. Smiling IS Strex, it’s a Strex thing, so it kind of made me feel... like it felt a bit rewrite-y to not even mention Strex at all during this book?

I mean was the smiling god NOT behind Strex? Was the congregation not at least back a couple years ago indistinguishable from Strex? Idk. These are all questions I have.

Talking about things that feel rewrite-y, I’m not sure I did the idea of Carlos actually being in the desert other world for TEN YEARS. Here’s the thing. We were, at the very least, as the audience lead to believe that Cecil and Carlos were thinking of LIVING there. Of moving there. a MASSIVE freaking part of the Carlos in the desert other world arc had us second guessing Carlos and Cecil’s whole relationship ffs! That WAS the subtext of the arc! The purpose! That Carlos seemed more interested in science and research of the desert other world then getting back to freaking Cecil! And now you’re going to claim that not only was he there ten years, which we had NO foreshadowing of during the arc at ALL as far as I can see, but he only ever wanted desperately to get home? Again the twist at the end of the desert other world arc is Cecil unexpectedly NOT MOVING THERE. WHAT? Nah man. That was some silly re-write stuff right there. Contradicting what world building we have on the desert other world until now.

Another thing highly related to that? Where the fuck was the nomadic giant army?? Or hell, even just Kevin and that dumb roller coaster they built? (I GUESS you could say that they all... died... ? And the roller coaster... vanished completely? But nah. Not really because aging doesn’t work there now does it?) Doug and Elisha thanks? Yet more stuff that made Carlos seem at home (and for that matter time passing relatively similarly from the sort of relationships he formed and reported on) in the desert other world. Ugh. I really don’t like that whole ten years thing. It seemed excessive too. Like two or even three years would have been more believable from what we saw of Carlos during that time, and even with only the single year I could already understand Carlos being traumatized from the event. Idk.

Speaking of world building for the desert other world? Assuming we keep with previous would building regarding it we are NOT done with it yet. Or rather, we probably shouldn’t be. There’s WAY too much going on there. Kevin’s still in there, he named it DESERT BLUFFS ffs. (I’m still waiting for the day we get the plot twist that the other world IS the desert bluffs we know from the past or something very similar to that. I also noticed a hella conspicuous absence of talk about desert bluffs OR the desert other world during the Huntokar revelations of the last finished arc. That place is MAD secret to the point that it’s not even on the radar of Huntokar, and probably The Glow Cloud, Distant Prince, Woman from Italy and other elder god type things.)

Then there’s Dana’s drawings up on the mountain. The spiraling murals of triangles I believe it was? We are NOT done with that place. I know at the end Darryl is like “well maybe the smiling god wasn’t that stupid centipede” and we’re supposed to at least sort of think like Nilanjana and be like “Yea huh. Sure. You just want to think that to protect your beliefs.” but honestly yeah, I don’t remotely think the centipede was really... the smiling god? Unless like I said, Kevin started the religion all together which I very much hope he didn’t? So yea, probably not the smiling god, DEFINITELY not the biggest threat in the desert other world. Up until now the “light” trying to get into Night Vale has been really obtuse and obscure. Really vague and therefore menacing and cool. I don’t think Finknor are bad enough writers to just toss all that away on a giant centipede. I’m a cynical person. Usually I’d add “At least I hope not” to that sentence, but damn it all if I don’t KNOW that Finknor are better writers then that.

Also there was the whole “hey wait the “ritual” to summon the god probably wasn’t just a coincidence” idea dropped in there to explore. So yeah. Lot’s to look at still.

Speaking of the ritual? Did you guys caaaaatch iiiiiit??? The jumping. How frantic jumping was a big part of the ritual? Maybe I’m just reaching but it sounded SO much like Kevin’s narration jumping bit from way back in The Sandstorm that Cecil mirrors with his own narration bit in his episode.

I’m SOOOO glad we got a glimpse into additional meaning for that kid jumping trying to recapture the feeling of flight scene for Kevin. It would be cool if more meaning was discovered for it in the future.

I’ve always read Cecil’s retrospective kid scene in those episodes as maybe relating too whatever happens in Cassette Tapes, or maaaybe some weird shit with Kevin himself in a metaphorical or otherwise obscured reference to why the heck the whole doubles thing happens anyway. (Also again, doubles, Desert bluff weirdness. Another thing I attributed to possibly the smiling god that could definitely not be if it were just a centipede, but honestly whether it’s a centipede or not I think it would be much more interesting if the smiling god was only a corrupting force for Desert bluffs and not the “weird Night Vale thing” that causes them to exist in the first place. And like I said? What’s cool is that it seems to not be Huntokar’s fault either that Desert Bluffs exists so that’s neat. That mean’s there’s some other weird shit going on there for us to find out.)

Ok one thing I forgot about the time rules of the desert other world and Kevin? You don’t AGE in the desert other world. Kevin when he contact Cecil in the last section of Triptych say’s he is very old. Now he could mean ancient as in “lived a very long time” but he specifically says “very old” and seems like his health might even me failing. Certainly he puts on a different voice. Anyway, all that leading up to the theory that we can extrapolate from that that Kevin will escape the desert other world at some point. Which isn’t too much of a stretch, and I think we all kind of expected (and I desperately hoped for after Triptych tyvm. FFS Cecil if you know how he ends up and also what he used to be like why not GO SAVE KEVIN FROM THAT FATE! Jeeze man! I really wish that had been part of the arc following Triptych and genuinely thought it might be. Like please. Cecil how can you just leave him there???)

All and all I liked the first novel a LOT more, but I liked this novel. Heck if it it wasn’t from Night Vale crew, meaning I had kind of hyped standards for it already, it probably would have been super awesome.

I mean there were some parts of the first novel I didn’t like, and I’m feeling some similar feelings regarding how the smiling god and desert other world turned out looking a bit mundane in this story and left a lot of “but if they were really just this, then why this old plot point” feelings just like the Man in the Tan Jacket did last novel (WHY was he interested in the underground city damn it? Especially with what we now know about Huntokar? WHY was he working with the Apache Tracker? What the hell were they doing? What was the post office all about?) but all and all I still preferred the first novel to this one. It felt more... human I guess. Had that good good recognizable story about a mom and her kid, growing up, parents, relationships, becoming an adult and a helluva lot of other stuff. Not that this one didn’t have a neat story about religion and science (that part honestly felt a little too basic for me) and fitting into one’s communities (that part was alright) but the first novel just hit the right cords more. Personally at least I felt more attached to everyone AND enjoyed the treatment of the themes more. Idk exacccctly why, but I absolutely enjoyed the first novel way more. It felt more like it’s own entity. A valid reason to use a different medium. A really new and cool thing where we could step into the shoes of likeable, fully rounded characters. This novel felt a lot more like a sometimes wacky one off live show with new characters or something. =/ I still enjoyed it, but not as much, and mostly the parts I did enjoy were all humor and surreal Night Vale goodness.

Alright. Well. That ends my rambling for now. I’m sure I’ll have many instances of trying to get to sleep and thoughts of the novel bouncing around in my head begging me to write them down or otherwise talk about them, so I guess I gotta emphasize the “for now” part.

This is long as shit and I’d be mildly surprised and utterly flattered if anyone can make it through my rambling.

[boyjadzia]

I’m gonna put this under a readmore bc it deals with like, unwanted advances/intimate contact, not sexual assault but just like men being gross, generally, also it’s really long

so this weekend I went to this party, I was invited by a dude I met on tinder. I didn’t know anyone there, I didn’t even really know him, we’d never met before. maybe I was a dumbass for just going with it, even though it was obvious he was interested in me and I wasn’t sure I was interested in him? but I thought, I’m an extrovert, I like meeting people, and I feel like I can’t really decide how I feel about tinder people just from a few texts back and forth, so I was sort of hoping I would be interested in him once I met him. idk.

Anyway, he was clearly flirting with me when we were texting and once I got there he was basically on me the entire time. like, hovering over me, had blatantly no interest in introducing me to other people at the party (also he was at least a foot taller than me). I guess I tried to push away my discomfort bc I’m used to feeling like I’m “colder” than i “should” be bc of my antidepressants and complicated relationship history that makes me not want to jump into things. and I don’t get many opportunities to feel like people are into me, being trans, and my friends thought he was good looking so. I just went with it. Even though he really didn’t present me with much evidence that he was actually an interesting person, and I probably should’ve picked up more on the fact that he couldn’t sense my discomfort.

well long story short I tried to keep him at bay, I left the party to go walk a dog and came back, (and I kind of didn’t want to go back but I did anyway bc he asked me to and I was like well alright I should try to put myself out there, be cool, have fun. why was I trying to convince myself this thing that obviously wasn’t fun was fun? why didn’t I trust myself. idk.) but I went back, and drank a bunch more, and eventually he started putting his hands all over me, I mean not sexually just like rubbing my arms and my back and sides. i felt conflicted about it bc on the one hand, like I said, I’m normally pretty isolated from romance and physical intimacy by being trans, and he wasn’t exactly coming on to me explicitly, but on the other hand I wasn’t actually comfortable with it. and I was really drunk. so I basically just sat there and did nothing and he kept it up (he was also super drunk, but that’s not relevant). and we were having a conversation (with some other people) about like, gender and sexuality and whatever and I think he sensed that this was like, kind of a heavy subject for me, so he was trying to be comforting? idk. but he definitely also just wanted to touch me.

Anyway, eventually it was late and I had to leave, and he offered to let me stay, and I declined, and he offered again as I was going out the door, and I declined, and he kissed me a couple times which I don’t remember very well bc I was very drunk but also just extremely tired. I never really rebuffed him. I was just ambivalent, and he just pushed ahead.

I was kind of vaguely uncomfortable with all this from the outset but it took me a day or two to really process it. but what’s getting to me is like, now I’m reading all these articles about sexual assault that people have been sharing and I’m struck by the fact that this very easily falls into that pattern. Like I said he didn’t actually do anything explicitly sexual, but it was on that path. he wasn’t paying attention to me or what I wanted. he didn’t really care, he only thought about me in relation to himself. it’s messed up.

But the thing that’s really really getting to me is like, these articles are always about women, and I’m not a woman. it says I’m trans very explicitly on tinder, I only have it set to men looking for men, this guy never would’ve met me under the guise of my presenting as female. but I know I look like one, and even beyond that, I’m just a generally small and effeminate person. and one of the things he said in the course of our convo about gender and sexuality was that he’s pan but he doesn’t actually like men that much. or, the way he framed it was that he “doesn’t prefer dicks” which, yikes. and all his previous relationships had been with cis women. idk, I don’t think he was a chaser, but even being super drunk and tired I was taken aback and it def made me uncomfortable.

so part of me wonders, was he acting that way bc he saw me as “basically a woman”? or is this just how he acts, with everybody? this is messing me up a lot because, I’m a nonbinary person, not a man, my masculinity really only feels relevant to me in the context of intimate relationships/sexual orientation, and yet I’ve been feeling so much pressure lately to “pick a political category” because I have to either fall on the side of oppressive/male or oppressed/female. and I know that not being a woman means benefiting from misogyny, etc etc, I don’t care about trying to avoid that, it’s just that in situations like this— where this guy’s behavior was still probably related to my not-maleness, even though he knew I wasn’t a woman so like it obviously wasn’t misogyny, idk. I already feel really alienated from maleness for a lot of reasons. but this wasn’t transphobia in the sense of him not seeing me as a “real man” because i’m not. this was its own weird mix of like, nonbinary/gnc-related transphobia and toxic masculinity, or something.

I’m just confused. because I know nb women (pretty much always AFAB tho) who get annoyed at the implication that you can be a nonbinary person and not a woman and still be oppressed by men. like, the idea that you would be part of a “political category” that maleness oppresses and yet not a woman is an oxymoron. but I just feel like idk how else to conceptualize this. how else do you describe this kind of predatory male behavior? the fact that he definitely didn’t see me as a man, and I’m not? this is why the separation of transphobia and misogyny as being like, totally unrelated axes of oppression feels lacking to me. Bc they’re very intertwined, even if they’re obviously two different things.

I’m just tired of feeling confused and like a bad person. like being nonbinary and trans is an empty statement and not something that I live every day that impacts my life. I’m tired of cis-adjacent nonbinary people, who aren’t trans and are aligned with the binary gender they were assigned, dictating the terms of how nonbinary ID relates to gender as a political construct. of feeling like i’m a bad person for thinking of incidents like this as relating to a larger pattern of oppression by cis men because what else is it? transphobia, yes, but a particular type of transphobia that’s bound up in maleness vs. my lack of conformity to maleness. that reinforces a distrust and fear of men, not just cis people. I’m tired of feeling like this means I’m not really trans and should just go back to IDing as a woman or woman-aligned.

basically, I’m tired of having to deal with binary trans people’s lack of empathy for nonbinary trans people, and non-trans nb people’s presumptuousness. I’m tired of my experience not making any sense and feeling like I don’t fit into anything.

I legit don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I have any of the right answers. the idea of talking about the oppressive behavior of men in terms of “women and nonbinary people” feels dangerously close to the preposterous “women and femmes” thing. and there are obviously issues women have that I don’t. but like, how am I supposed to deal with the emotional fallout of being preyed upon by men if I’m alienated from every gender-based social grouping in the course of these discussions?

[unicorn--prince]

Okay so I wanna do a little talk on here like idk just make a post about this bc what I've been seeing come up in the LGBT communities on tumblr and in my local.

I'm on mobile so if the read more undercut doesn't work I do apologize.

(Idk if they changed the algorithm to make the undercut on mobile)

So okay. This is in regards to the whole "straight passing privilege" thing.

Years ago I made a post saying how like "yes it does happen" and what not. (And that was my experience as a cis passing, genderqueer woman who's pan, in a relationship w a cis het man.).

So. Looking back on it. It's not really,, much of a privilege? Like the only time it was was that I could PRETEND to be "normal" for my family and for strangers. But again. That was pretending. I was erasing my identity to be seen as "normal". It sucked at pride events I went to with my at the time boyfriend, bc the other LGBT would see just a straight couple™ and yeah. If you've been following for years you will probably remember when I posted about this specific incident. It was so bad that our first pride together we were looking at the vendors, I was looking through the flags the guy had and was telling my at the time boyfriend how I was looking for the ace one. The vendor started chatting us up, and literally have us a huge bundle of condoms. Like. A brick stacked on another brick sized bundle. He made comments about how much sex we outta be having and so these will come in handy. (And to put into perspective, we started dating in march, and this was July.)

It was less of "passing privilege" those years as it was "hiding my identity".

Also because I was in that relationship I didn't really explore my gender how I should have. I identified as genderqueer for about 3 or so years. (I started identifying as that a while after we started dating). I know a big part of what prevented that was breaking my "perfect relationship." Because if I explored my gender he would have not stayed with me. (It sounds shitty but on one hand I understand bc he likes girls. Not nb people, not boys. Just girls)

I'm not going to go into my whole story about realizing I'm trans or whatever.

But when I started dating my current boyfriend, aj, I had that sense of security. That. If I did explore my gender he wouldn't mind. (He's pan and also a trans man). So I was able to.

And even now we could pretend to be "normal". But, we just arnt. And it hurts. I can't just continue pretending to be a girl and be okay with it. He hasn't for years and still gets misgendered n shit.

And that's a whole 'nother story.

But when talking to friends, who are in the "het looking" relationships. It's hard for them.

My aunt has pretty much shed her bisexual label because she's been married to a man for years. And that just isn't right or fair. She should be able to still be proud of who she is even if she doesn't end up wanting to date a woman (or anyone else for that matter) currently.

Idk where I was really going with this. But. Straight passing privilege isn't a thing.