#idk what i'm saying anymore i'm just so mentally exhausted from this whole shebang

[hikarry]

Apart from my sticker problem, today is really not a great day

I woke up at 6 am to go to my 9 am class ("Why did you wake up so early?" - everyone asks me all the bloody time: because I have anxiety and I need an hour to take a shower and do my hair - which, ya know, takes long because I'm a perfectionist and short hair is A PAIN IN THE ASS to deal with -, another hour to chill and drink my coffee and another hour to catch the bus) and like, did my usual stuff all the while looking through the window. It wasn't raining. So, logically, I didn't take my umbrella.

As soon as I step out of my building, it starts raining. But like, that stupid lil rain that barely wets you, so I was like "Eh okay, I can deal with this".

I was mid-way up the street to the bus stop when it starts raining like the bloody sky is falling! I was only wearing a t-shirt, a lil button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and my stupid all-stars and I got SOAKED. So I ran back home and went to grab my umbrella. I live in the 3rd floor, mind you. Without an lift. There are 51 stairs in total. Believe me, I've counted them, multiple times. If you want to know why my ass and my thighs are great, that's why.

Anyhow, Spencer - still drenched in water (because I was stupid enough to go to my flat and not grab my raincoat. Yes, I left the house again only in a t-shirt and a button-up shirt) went back to the bus stop. The bus was late. 30 minutes late. And I waited for 30 minutes until I started feeling light-headed and mentally confused as if I was going to faint. So I grabbed my two lil legs and wandered my way back home trying to keep myself awake and "Dont faint in the middle of the street please God don't do this to me I'm begging you I swear I will convert if you just let me get home before I faint".

As soon as I get home, I lay down and the fainting feeling thingy vanishes, but now I'm too late to get to my class in time. I still thought of calling an Uber, but I would not arrive in time anyway

So yeah, I did my hair for nothing. I wasted perfume for nothing. I got soaked for nothing. And, as I'm writing this, it's thundering like the world is ending so, if you don't mind me, I'm going back to sleep and pretending this day didn't happen

[appletechnogeek]

another one of those 2:30 am ramblings about my life and how i feel

that time of year again

where i am feeling a thousand things all at once

where i am uncertain about the future

experiencing a hundred feelings, some old some new

lamenting over the past, but still hopeful for the future

idk what it is with me and autumn where i simultaneously feel both, like a whole new person and a husk of my former self

i wish i had a cigarette right now

on the off chance you're reading this, maitreyee, hi. i hope you're doing well. i wanted to let you know that i don't hate you. i just hate what happened between us.

dunno why i continuously hold on to the past, i need therapy

life updates, i guess?

been taking care of myself more and more. going to the gym, eating well. didi's got me on a decent-ish skin and hair routine. it feels nice

applying to masters programmes and internships is a mentally draining process.

i'm trying not to be too apprehensive of the future now

i know i have good things headed towards me. a good masters programme, a good job, a stable life, yada yada

but still can't seem to shake off the feeling that shit's gonna go south anytime and i'm caught with my pants down without a contingency plan

sorta like how when we were together and i was constantly worrying about the future and spent less time in the here and now

trying not to do that anymore but my mind finds new ways to make it worrisome. meh. i'll get the hang of it eventually, i hope.

i miss my friends. all of them have their own things going on, can't blame them. but that's life, i suppose

still navigating with the finally dealing with feelings you've been repressing for all your life so far part of adulthood. i must say, i'm not built for this

i'd go to therapy but let's be real, there's a better chance of us getting back together than that happening, lol

trusting the process, i guess. i say that a lot but more often that not i don't. i should probably start from there.

i try to stay hopeful of the future and i don't know how much longer i can stay like this. it's exhausting. but i honestly don't want to give up. hope is something i cannot afford to lose.

onto other things, i guess

there's this lady i'm kinda seeing for now, things are going well. idk if she really likes me or is it one of those things where you're only there for casual stuff. i don't want to ruin what we have going on but i'm still scared

but there are things i wish were there. like the mutual sense of humour we shared, the inside jokes, the references we knew the other would get in an instant, all that shebang

but i guess the absence of it is probably why this one feels like someone worth pursuing, because it is the same thing that made me question the legitimacy of my feelings for the lady i had a crush on in 3rd and 4th year of college

but i guess the good thing is that i can pursue this however much i want because i know it definitely has an expiration date, either her project getting over or me moving somewhere for my internship/going abroad for my masters. whichever comes first. with aditi i had something to lose. here it is minuscule, if something at all

idk why i'm telling you all this still but it probably means some part of you never left my heart till now

moving on is a tough process but i think i'm getting there. slowly but surely. (prolly shouldn't type paragraphs like this at 2 am lmao it is NOT helping the cause (oh look self awareness i won't be acting upon anytime soon lol))

anyway, i hope things are good moving forward for the both of us