#idk what i'll do . like . the thought of working a job makes me physically nauseated i cannot do that shit again

[aropride]

bloody stick figure image

[builder051]

Happy Starbucks Sunday

and my goodness, can you believe it's already April...?

I'm so sorry I'm late getting this up; I'm having a lot of trouble with... typing aphasia? That's what I'm gonna call it. I know the word I want to put down, and I can usually type without looking, but all the sudden one hand's going faster than the other, and I'm a key off, and the total word is gibberish, so I delete it and try again, and I can't recall the original word... Frustrating. And not a great sigh of health in any light. :(

I hate spring (Spring?--depends on the style guide... :/ ) I hate it so much. (Rambling ahead. Feel free to skip, but if you want to know WTF is going on over here, well, thought spillage is below.)

Too many stressful/unpleasant happenings in my past during this time of year, including, but not limited to: my beta and me, scrabbling to push Beautiful Oblivion from the doc into publication, as my mother shoved helpings for 12 of Easter cake into tupperware to 'take home and enjoy;' several years prior to that, having a very tense college grad party in my parents' living room (it was raining) while my on-and-off tried to be super friendly and sweet to me as if to prove to my parents that we were still on (but we were totally off); and several years prior to that, using my new powers of being 18 years old to leave rehab ama without anyone being able to stop me...

So, for the here and the now, things are awfully shitty. I'm trying to sort of plot out my current demons (which, in short, seem to be a BPII 'down' with a side of overwhelmed based on the number of appointments/what they're all for/panic if they change dates or times). So, with DD carefully prodding me, I'm going 'back to school' with my autism and emotional journaling workbooks to see if it's possible (on try number...3 I think this is?) to get a handle on what is going on with the neurotransmitting tadpoles up there in the grey matter, and why the fishing net is always too slow or woven too loosely to catch them and give them a good talking-to before releasing them back to do their jobs--correctly this time. We have a giant desk blotter, too, and it's going to be put to use again to write out the entire week, instead of looking at the Google Calendar, which puts me in this weird false sense of security that all we have to do today is "dots."

Anyway... Physical health is shitty (again, in a nutshell)-- lots of headache, and lots of exhaustion/CFS symptoms. Docs upped my dose of IVIG to try strengthening my immune system even more--attempts 1 to 3 at lvl 20 haven't worked, so a couple days ago we tried lvl 30. IDK if I'm supposed to feel a difference. As of yet, I do not. This coming Friday I'm having a spinal procedure under sedation to check for CSF leakage and apply a blood patch, if needed. It's attempt level, like 120,000 to track down the nexus of he headaches and try to make them better. I have, like 1 gram of hope, and about 99 grams of prediction I will end up nauseated on a sofa for at least a day, because CSF imbalance sucks rocks. Other random upcoming appointments that may bring better news are a consult for superpubic catheter (which involves another surgery, but would solve a horrible and embarrassing problem of the more private variety), and 2 appointments to get me into an updated wheelchair (maybe so I'll be able to self-propel, which I can't in what I'm currently in--just a facet of how the wheels are made).

AND now for today's SS plan:

-Take your prompts- keep them brief, please. I want to get to more than 1, if possible. Here are some suggestions to inspire you:

-Springtime is the worst time (college exams coming up/other end-of-academic-year shit; ballet recitals/exams; competitive sports-that's drawing from Chasing Ghosts' Steve and his swim team)

-Seasonal Allergies--please take note-- I WILL NOT write folks "coming down ill with allergies." It's a little medically unrealistic (I mean, I know allergies feel terrible, but anyone with Google and body familiarity and a healthy dose of common sense will probably know the difference between fever-flu-sick and snotty nose-clogged sinuses-sick. Also, it can sometimes --> snz, and while you're cool, and I give you mad props, I just don't exactly understand how it works, and I'm not a participant in that community. What I WILL DO, though is a mild play off the "oh, you look sick." "Nah, I think it's just allergies." *time passes* "Uh, yeah, I think I am sick."-trope. Must be handled with care, though, so it's not a dupe or a dud.

-In Powers/No powers, some kind of Easter fiasco involving the boys and the Barton clan. (I know I tell you no food stuff, though that often is a thicker barrier than strictly necessary to keep me away from my squicks and triggers and discomforts.) What I'm temporarily loosening the lock for is the inclusion of a religion mix up, where Bucky as a very non-practicing Jew winds up very weirded out at a "commercialized" Easter family party (like with a ham and kids opening Easter eggs and such). Feel free to bring any other ideas, and I'll ok/include/tweak them as I think they can fit in.

-Chasing Ghosts, college stress x3. Foci can be James (exams, studying, doing drugs/slipping sobriety,etc.), Steve (swim team, exams, studying, making everyone shut up and stop bickering while he watches the Oscars, etc.), or Tasha (ballet shit-short notice performance, wrangling kids for recital-and doing any of it whilst high/hungover, the obvious college exams, taking drugs to stay awake, bickering with the boys about self-care, prepping for a no-notice social worker visit, etc.). As always, more ideas welcome.

-Ask game--I've prepared a new one, which is hopefully fun. It only runs on a single topic (movies), but I think it will elicit some conversation, especially if you guys comment back with some of your favorite films in the category as well.

I'm going to try to stay on a little later into the evening to make up for starting soooo late. Sorry!!

Regarding Schedule--

Next week's SS will proceed normally.

The following Sunday is Easter, and I expect to be able to proceed normally, but we haven't made plans yet (and there's always a chance the in-laws or my roommate's parents will call the night before and expect us to host them from -hour- to -hour- without regarding things such as our grocery budget, sleep/wake cycles for small humans and big people with CFS, and the fact that they've been on airplane in the past week and posted pics on social media sans-masks--I put on a mask to cross a parking lot.)