#idk what got into her. maybe she was just tired and overstimulated. doesn't matter

[knifebun]

you'll never guess who absolutely refused to work in the show ring, decided the judge's vibes were off, granting her such great descriptions like "topline too short" and "no neck" because she roached her back, and made me look like an absolute noob because the judge's assistant was constantly hovering around me and telling me what to do.

[mindself]

Ruined fireworks yesterday i was in such a crazy mood. I barely even looked at them. Mostly thru trees i seem to get kind of crazy during fireworks for some reason. Maybe it's overstimulation. But nothing compared to this. River was very high, up to the benches and walkway where slightly lower. I thought maybe i should go in it. (Not even thinking about my cats) i wanted to do something no one else was doing

Well . I already had a headache all day. (Yesterday at sisters, drove back partly) and my leg hurt from the giant dog running into my calf while playing volleyball, which im really bad at, making my niece respect me even less. No fireworks on 4th bc rain. I hadn't been to fireworks for like 5 years, i think before covid bc no one wanted to go w me and i didnt want to drive in that mess, even less now that my insurance is skyrocketing. Mom agreed to go down even though 8 is her bed time. Parked a ways away to get place to park. Hard to walk bc my leg hurt. Instead of empathizing mom said walking is good for injury (?!?) That's what my dad always said. And im like, not even a day for rest? And she doesnt agree at all u need to rest to heal which makes no sense to me but she doesn't back down and at that moment i felt i needed empathy not a peptalk. And i was feeling bad bc headache just got over. And stress of being w ppl all week (2 days) and driving. Ans maybe im sick or sth ...

I sat on bench w sister and niece and she tries not to sit beside me again idk where that came from i knew her all her life suddenly she decides not to like me sit besife me or talk to me. You knie what that does to someone w self esteem issues and social anxiety. There is no way i can approach her i get mad. She asks sister and mom to play a game but doesnt w me. I might blow up. So i walk away. But that tutned out to be a bad idea too

Go thru crowd thinking theyre all looking at me and go look at the rising river. Interesting. Cool. And the fair... i have no moneey. The one time i decide not to bring my purse.... jewelry ina booth i have no money, sorry. Well at least i cant spend anything.

Im also mad at men for some reason. Probably the root reason-- dad never pays attentjon to me or acts like im a hunan being im all in a up and weird mood. I don't back down as men cone toward me i hit one w my elbow. That feels good to not give way to men all the time. I keep doing that by "accident. They say theyre sorry (1)

Then get to paying oart accidentally and panic theyll find me and so i go back thru crowd

But.

Someone took my seat on the bench beside my family and besides they dont care if im there so i keep going look for place. Want to do somethjng no one else is doing (1 guy on bench in water -- i wouldve done it if he didnt). Fireworks starting. I go down to some rocks at end of walkwat but some suspicious looking men there in a Group im like i dont want to be raped in the dark. I go uo and down agaij to flat rock just above where river surging. And i tear leaves off of buckthorn branches bc theyre invasive anyway. Some girl is down there ln another rock im tired by now. Can't see Fireworks very well but no other places to go now and too tired to look. Some other older lone large man sitting up there looking at me. Ugh i lay down on the flat rock.

Then someone comes down i think theyll see me but they dont and nearly step on me and the dog steps on my hair. After all this. I try to get io but my leg goes into water getting my shoe wet i hate wet shoes, they begin to smell, and i don't have money for more. I am so mad at that man and also his dog. I go up and say :i hate people audibly. That fat guy watching. Im like im not going to let them win and chase me out. People that feel theyre all that better than me bc they dont have old clothes and frizzy hair and glasses (i didnt want to do anything to look nice etc . I felt too bad all day. I thought it shouldn't matter and. Ppl blend in crowds..) i hardly see the fireworks. Then the man goes back up and . I . Run into him. "Accidentally"