#idk what else.... i'm just. tired. cant sleep. want to make things worse because i feel miserable (sick flavor) but i KNOW that's like the

[talkorsomething]

Update on The Illness. I think i huave covid

[tatoasting]

I feel like I am explode today?? I didnt get anything done and I dont remember anything about today at all. I'm too scatterbrained to do anything, writing this post is really hard. I just feel like everything is crashing. I have to work of I dont get payed. I have to do fun things or I lose my mind. I have to... probably do something... helpful to myself...?? This doesnt make sense. I think I figured out whats causing all of this this week though but I dont want to have to tell my therapist.... I dont want to have to address this... what if it ruins me and my chance at living alone? What if it ruins me all over again? I dont want to see him. Moving would help that for now, and then, not. Very much so not. Would I have to get my shit together that fast? How do I do that? I dont have the support I need, I would have to find it there. I dont know if I can do this. I'm going to explode. I'm so sorry for complaining like this. I'm so sorry. I'm really struggling. I dont want to be. But I am. I dont know if I can tell my therapist. I'm so scared im wrong. I'm more scared I'm not. I'm just.... idk. I've been clinging to my new coffee maker so hard because I have nothing else I think uh... I think um.... I dont think. I dont know. I'm just like, what if I just start drinking so much coffee. What if I just make myself so much and I drink it all at once and then I explode? I want to curl up in a ball on my floor but I haven't vacuumed in a while and I think that would make me feel worse. I just want to dissappear. I hate everything. I just want coffee. I dont know how to distract myself because I cant focus on anything else. This is the most focus I've had in... I dont know. I dont know how long ive been sitting here. I dont know who I am. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I dont want to do tomorrow. I want to sleep in and wake up and find out my therapist decided she hated me so much she stopped scheduling appointments without telling me and I dont have to pay the bullshit no show fee and I dont have to talk to her and I dont have to tell her how much I'm struggling. And I can just dissappear from the only people I care about and just.... sit in a hole for weeks and weeks until I stop. This isnt really a good tumblr post. I shouldnt tell you guys all this. I dont care. I dont care about anything. I want to dissappear. I want to dissappear. I want to dissappear.