#idk what else.... i'm just. tired. cant sleep. want to make things worse because i feel miserable (sick flavor) but i KNOW that's like the

[talkorsomething]

Update on The Illness. I think i huave covid

[trolagygirl2022]

im not looking for a reading but mainly advice do u have any tips on feeling less apathetic? ive ruined my once good sleep so many times that i no longer have the energy to truly enjoy something for myself because my energy is always taken by something ir someone else. im not kidding it takes me 5 minutes around some leeches and my batteries will be drained in an instant.

i couldnt even watch a whole programme the other day because my dad likely has adhd and or is just attention seeking and kept being a distraction all the way thru it and on top of that and other people who have usually been arseholes or they jsut like to make my life harder than it needs to be. i dont really like them anyway i have no desire to fit in socially anymore, my cat is messing up my sleep and ive got a concert im going to that now i dont know if i have any particular feelings towards it cause im just wasting away atp and concerts or anywhere where theres lots of people is incredibly draining but i didnt want to pass up on this group i love and its weird i love a foreign group but i cant find the same love for anyone around me all the time is that normal? and i had been trying very good to keep sleeping at right times and i just feel thay im losing my mind slowly but surely cause i keep getting these distraction campaigns and other shit i have to do or react too. people just take my energy and drain it then wonder why i dont want nothing to do with anything anymore that and its like i can pour my heart into a friendship only to realise the same "friend" didnt really gaf about me anyway so yeah im rather bitter and apathetic and it sucks so any advice would be moderately more delightful rn. i dont think therapys going to do nothing ive tried it before but i wind up with the same feelings i had some time ago and nothing really amends it honestly shits been getting bizzare for years now and it just slowly pushes ur buttons. even if i try something im too tired to keep going with it or i force myself to like it because if i dont then ive got nothing else i really like doing so i overdo it on my interest then also get burnt out and bored of it quickly. and i dont want to fix this issue with filling it with things that in the long run still wont make me truly enjoy whatever it is i want to do. honestly ppl in victorian times were lucky they had the plague and some other shit going on that got rid of them quickly but modern life is like a slow painful forced existance where i dont end up caring much for anything.

also nothings worked out in the past literally it feels like people are against me being happy and successful. and if im not a social person due to having always been around the worst sort of personalities then what is there to really seek out in people? they all end up being the same knobhead as the previous one aka usually a self entitled prick who only cares about themselves. then theres the whole its usually the attention seeking pricks who are most adored praised and pitied for just about anything even tho it should be clear as day that they are the biggest arseholes to ever exist whereas quiet people often get nitpicked at for simply trying to exist in an overcrowded place where people mainly want something for themselves and they often dont seem to care how their actions affect others anyway? do u get what im yapping about. its been my problem for years now in fact more than a decade people have been purposefully trying to bother me even other alleged grown adults have acted like worse toddlers that are stuck in adult bodies. sorry for yapping but idk what else im supposed to do. jts like when people do something just to prove u right about them and im like yeah ok i get its how theyre wired but it dont make me care that deeply for wanting to belong anywhere yet it feels like if we dont belong anywhere fomo kicks in and that sucks even more.

For me I think the best way is to put myself in their own shoes. Like I would say most times I'm a pretty empathetic person but especially when I think about myself in that person's position. You should also try discussing this with a therapist or some professional! Take care 😊

[tatoasting]

I feel like I am explode today?? I didnt get anything done and I dont remember anything about today at all. I'm too scatterbrained to do anything, writing this post is really hard. I just feel like everything is crashing. I have to work of I dont get payed. I have to do fun things or I lose my mind. I have to... probably do something... helpful to myself...?? This doesnt make sense. I think I figured out whats causing all of this this week though but I dont want to have to tell my therapist.... I dont want to have to address this... what if it ruins me and my chance at living alone? What if it ruins me all over again? I dont want to see him. Moving would help that for now, and then, not. Very much so not. Would I have to get my shit together that fast? How do I do that? I dont have the support I need, I would have to find it there. I dont know if I can do this. I'm going to explode. I'm so sorry for complaining like this. I'm so sorry. I'm really struggling. I dont want to be. But I am. I dont know if I can tell my therapist. I'm so scared im wrong. I'm more scared I'm not. I'm just.... idk. I've been clinging to my new coffee maker so hard because I have nothing else I think uh... I think um.... I dont think. I dont know. I'm just like, what if I just start drinking so much coffee. What if I just make myself so much and I drink it all at once and then I explode? I want to curl up in a ball on my floor but I haven't vacuumed in a while and I think that would make me feel worse. I just want to dissappear. I hate everything. I just want coffee. I dont know how to distract myself because I cant focus on anything else. This is the most focus I've had in... I dont know. I dont know how long ive been sitting here. I dont know who I am. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I dont want to do tomorrow. I want to sleep in and wake up and find out my therapist decided she hated me so much she stopped scheduling appointments without telling me and I dont have to pay the bullshit no show fee and I dont have to talk to her and I dont have to tell her how much I'm struggling. And I can just dissappear from the only people I care about and just.... sit in a hole for weeks and weeks until I stop. This isnt really a good tumblr post. I shouldnt tell you guys all this. I dont care. I dont care about anything. I want to dissappear. I want to dissappear. I want to dissappear.