#but fr idk what else it could be ... one of my roommates was sick at somepoint recently and it COULD have been 2 weeks ago for all i know.

[talkorsomething]

Update on The Illness. I think i huave covid

[nectarine-neuroticism]

SEVERANCE TALK

Need to talk about Severance, BAD. I watched it first with my mom back in Feb/March 2022. I have said before that I will never EVER forget about how that finale felt (me pounding my fist on the ground). God, it has really been THREE YEARS. I'M SICK. Anyways, watched first episode last week with my mom and my roommate (separate occasions), and I just want to put down some thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain for a while.

Pre-S2 Thoughts

Just some things I accept in my mind from the first season (before watching S2E1):

- Mark & Gemma were coworkers to lovers, their big professor brains, and their love was too powerful for the world (Lumon took her ass out).

- Ms. Casey (aka Gemma) behaves so bizarrely because she has limited "awake" time; often getting experimented on down on the testing floor. She has minimal experience as an innie and she is just one of many test subjects Lumon utilizes because people who are presumed dead, missing, or whatever else/poor/homeless/what-have-you "won't be missed." I don't know if they took advantage of her situation and utilized the crash to their advantage, staged a crash, or wanted to get Gemma specifically (because she was also really smart). IDK. Maybe she even signed up for something (inspired by connections at the university), and got more than what she bargained for.

- Irving's dog, Radar, is inspired by Radar from M*A*S*H. He COULD be a service dog. I don't know if Irving was a veteran, following in his dad's footsteps. He could have gotten severed due to PTSD (we have no idea what wars have went on during this alternate timeline that the Eagans have ruled since the 1800s).

- Irving is reintegrated (maybe unintentionally) explains the zoning and drifting/goo/whatever. His Outie constantly paints (what we learned to be) the testing floor. OBSESSIVELY, which implies he has been down there. He is trying to figure out what's going on down there bc he was either suspicious of Lumon from the get-go, or experience symptoms (related to possible reintegration or a failed integration) and was probably being gaslit by medical professionals.

- HOWWWW does he know so many severed workers? Was Irving a part of a group of people intending to infiltrate Lumon to some degree? (I'm realizing a lot of these are about Irving, but it was mainly because we had the knowledge that Dylan had a family, we knew Mark's story, and we realized Helly was Helena Eagan. We only had Radar and tangible things to tell Irving's story, he was alone).

- Helena Eagan could've definitely been groomed to fit the position. She might be the nasty bitch she was painted to be (from Helly's perspective) (and our perspective, honestly, "I am a person, you are not" eeueugh)), she might not be a believer of what she was sharing to the public. She might have doubts. Her dad is such a creep omg. Her body and soul easily could have been molded to fit atop the throne, and her skull carved to support the crown (I don't know what the fuck I'm saying). Some monsters are made, but some... who knows, some aren't monsters at all.

- We all know why Mark got severed, and we know Petey's severance was inspired by his divorce + strained relationship with his daughter (or at least that's what the show seemed to imply TO ME)... Helena's could have been out of obligation, Irving's could have been due to PTSD/grief/pursuit of knowledge/infiltration... but what about Dylan? He has a family, but does he have a spouse? Is he a caregiver? Was it hardship that pushed him to this job? I think it has been shown to us that most people who were led to this job (at least severed positions) due to pure desperation, or potentially manipulation. Were there any aspects of Dylan's life that were darker/pushed him to this? His Innie things the world is a shitshow up there, and the numbers are... eels??? (Idr what his ass said fr), but he also thinks he's got yachts and bitches for days. Obviously, not all of that is factual, but maybe he was pursuing the job as a promotion (already working for Lumon) and just thought it seemed "sick as fuck" and more efficient.

- Thinking of trans folks... idk how to put this into words, but imagining the transference of dysphoria and not having the words or material to understand it - in the same way grief seems to transfer. "You feel it down there too," thank you, Petey... that's devastating. Is there any room for exploring that? Does this make sense? If your feelings aren't spatially deviated – your wants and needs – repression or avoidance does nothing. Anyone (if this is even read by another person) feel free to add to this, or direct me to someone who HAS talked about this. I'm... unable to articulate what I'm saying, or even figure out what I'm asking. But there is definitely avenues to touch on here.

- This also brings me to pregnancy. We know about the senator's wife who got severed just to give birth (horrifying), and we heard about the Innie relationship drama/affairs that was on the news Mark clicked past. Regardless of where conception occurs, the body will carry that everywhere regardless of the mind's deviation. Are there clauses that prohibit Outies from getting pregnant while working on the job? Are they granted maternity leave the moment they start experiencing symptoms (so their Innies don't experience that), or do they make them work through it knowing that no matter what happens - they have no control over what is growing inside them? This is horrible and making me shudder, but it's definitely a twisted question I have. It would be cruel for the Innies to know this, to experience this, then to live without knowing. Just a vessel for something they cannot understand beyond those walls.

- How many departments are there??? Goats??? Purple rooms??? Is Lumon global? Are there "Lumon towns" in the way there are coal mining towns? (Thinking of the subsidized housing)

- Girl scouts, boy scouts... Kier scouts. What the fuck was on Harmony Cobel/Selvig's wall? Is this a societal thing? People being raised in community-based things instead of cult... stuff? Because it isn't like the Lumon principles are universal (people protest it, it's newer technological advances the company has made) ... idk, I think I'm losing myself in this. I think I should stop on reflections I've drafted in relation to S1.

So, NOW.... reflections post-S2E1.

Episode One Thoughts, Pre-Episode Two

- Ahhhhhhhh. An episode all on the inside was so fascinating. No intro credits, so I'm wondering if the second season will bring us a new animation? Because there was no sequence in the first episode of the first season. Who knows? Either way, I'm excited. Theodore Shapiro is a phenomenal composer.

- What the fuck is going on with Miss Huang? Is she just there to be disarming to the employees? Are they THAT short staffed? That kid is eight years old LMAO. WAIT- AS I WAS TYPING THIS.... KIER SCOUT. Jk jk, it's not that deep (or is it?). Is this just a daughter of an employee, a kid getting extra credit, a test to push an employee into remembering something—like how Cobel/Selvig (wtf is her real name... is it Selvig?) brought in that candle Gemma made in hopes of triggering some kind of olfactory reaction from Mark (freak). IDK. I don't understand where the kid came from. Mark made my blood run cold, I thought he was gonna chuck the ball at that kid... he's gonna crack soon. Like, Dylan-level BITING. (He still doesn't know his best friend is dead)

- Additional new characters: Mark W is funny as fuck actually. Thank you for saying Milkshake. Hello, Maeby (Arrested Development)... get tired of the family? Why the random Italian guy? Where were his subtitles? Did anyone understand what bro was saying??? Where did they go?! So sad how they asked "how the sky was" ..... the wind. Devastating.

- I wasn't sure if Helly was gonna tell them the truth once they got together. Because how do you say, hi... I am behind this evil corporate scheme. And the way she did it, I almost wondered if they sent Helena IN. To gather intel. But as the episode progressed, I don't think Helena knows Helly well enough to even do that - and her charms kind of came out as it went on. So I think it is truly Helly.

- Irving was truly devastating this episode. Girl is at his wits end over the most painful situationship ever, first love heartbreak vibes (my current life situation).

- People say they saw crazy tension between them, and yeah, it was raw unbridled emotion. However, I don't see what ppl are seeing. Irving was devastated and effectively planning to end life as he knew it, and Dylan was talking him down. I guess yall can read it as romance, but I know gay when I see it and I say that it wasn't. Homies can kiss homies, but it wasn't beyond that. It was just a very charged moment. I loved it.

- That claymation video was giving peak corporate horror. And Moral Orel vibes.

- The newspaper was SOOOO fucking redacted, with no date (obviously), and the picture looked fake as fuck. Just an edited version of their office picture into a car that doesn't look like it is from the same timeline all the other vehicles are in. If anyone has more insight on that, feel free to provide it. I tried to take a screenshot and image grab it to see, but it wasn't working.

- I think it was fascinating to see ONLY Innies perspectives. We didn't get a single fucking peep of the aftermath from things on the outside and how that went down, how everyone reacted. I wasn't expecting that at all for the first episode, but I think it was a wonderful choice.

-Obsessed with how they blatantly called Cobel/Selvig a freak. Wanted to pursue a throuple. SHE IS SUCH A PERVERTTT, I KNOW IT IN MY SOUL. SHE'S A FREAK. However, they are using any ill intent that Lumon enacted as material to use her as a scapegoat. Like, that trickles down. It wasn't JUST her. Milchick, you treated them like animals because you COULD.

- What the fuck happened at the end of the episode... is GEMMA doing the testing? Idek what to think, I'm sick. I don't want to entertain that. Idk wtf they're doing. Genetic sequencing, cloning, whatever!!! WhatEVER. I have no idea what to expect.

- And lastly, because my brain is tired... they all went back to their desks. Severance reform my ass... the best way to tame a prisoner is to make him believe he is free. Or whatever.

[traumaticexperiences]

anonymous: i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical.  Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely).  didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile.  at least a year probably.  But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper.  Calls us all names.  When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard.  I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes.  I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something.  She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times.  Same w my brothers.  But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too.  but I think that’s a newer development.  Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit.  I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower.  I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.  

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual.  It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”.  She wanted me to just try being with a boy.  I never have and never will.  After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting.  But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too.  I don’t like makeup much.  I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever.  I just brush my hair, that’s about it.  This always upsets my mom.  My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup.  She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc.  In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.”  I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so.  I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more.  But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me.  I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t.  My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now.  I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).  

But I’m not perfect.  I forget things a lot.  Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it.  Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it.  Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough.  It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc.  It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.  

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her.  She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need.  I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.  

It’s like, I know she loves me.  And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good.  But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college.  Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again.  Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me.  And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me.  But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms.  So I guess it made her temper even worse.  When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while).  But she didn’t.  But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).  

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious?  My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm.  I get kinda anxious just thinking about it.  The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh.  But it never escalated.  They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.  

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago.  I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk.  I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me.  That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest.  My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it.  I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for.  Or at least that’s how it seems to me.  I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it.  Any advice on that front?  I’m sorry this got so long.  

It would be nice if this is anonymous.  But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous?  Thank you.  And thank you for running this blog.

////

yes, what you're describing is abuse! grabbing you, and punching strikes as a really hateful and cruel physical abuse, only a person who really wanted to hurt you would do such a thing. Being called names also comes from a hateful place, and it can hurt so much when it comes from a parent, because they're not supposed to hate you, they're supposed to care, calling you names shows that they didn't care at all, they saw you as something that is there for them to hurt. Presenting your sexual orientation as something hurtful to them is so cruel and vicious, they wanted you to feel horrible about who you are! As if something is wrong with that! I'm really glad you never want to be with a boy. Calling you names for merely being who you are is really hurtful, again, something she does only to harm you. Hatred over your appearance is also something really abusive and crushing, it can affect you really deeply that people can hate you merely because they don't approve of the way you look, and that's terrifying, even more when it comes from a family member. She made you feel like she'd rather have someone else for a daughter, merely because of your looks, that is just too cruel. It doesn't matter if you're perfect or not, you haven't deserved this kind of abuse, someone who cares about you would never do any of those things, because they shouldn't think that you deserve to be hurt. Helping you calm down and bringing you medicine are such basic things, it's really not much, even if it means much to you because you don't really get much affection so even the smallest gesture can feel like love. You deserve more than that. Your mom is abusive and a few basic things she does can't change that. I don't believe a person who hurts you that badly can truly love you and care about your well being. You can't just love a child when you feel like it, and then hate it when you feel like hating it. That's sick. It seems you recognized the cycle of abuse and you know what's going on. I'm glad you're so bright and know a lot of things are wrong. You are scared of her. You're anxious in arguments. She's obviously capable of hurting you a lot, and you know it's not safe for you around her. It's really painful to live around a person like that, and you shouldn't be subjected to that.Probably the most scary thing is how she pretends nothing happens, minimizes the pain she caused to you and tries to excuse her actions and gaslight what you know happened. That kind of psychological abuse can drive a person crazy, and you shouldn't be put thru that, just for the sake of her getting away with it.