#idk these two feel like sticker designs than anything else to me..

[cuntess-carmilla]

I'm sorry, but as someone who belongs to and participates in an actual subculture, I can't take (Western?) fandom seriously.

I'm not saying alt subcultures are perfect by any means. I'm a goth and I could write and maybe have written whole essays on the bullshit within it, but even with all the racism, misogyny, performative liberalism and such (which are also present in fandom lol), there's just no comparison.

Alternative subcultures, as Problematic as they can be, are ALL about creating something new. I mean, not NEW new, we all come from somewhere, take inspiration, goth came directly from British punk, and pretty much none of the alt subcultures that were started since the 20th century would exist without Black culture, BUT... Guys, the goth subculture equivalent of fanfiction is a song cover.

Sure, lots of goth bands have released covers in order to get popular. Bauhaus themselves did it and they're one of the OG bands, but unless you're a tribute band (which literally only get as famous as they're able to be exact copies of the band they're imitating), no band considers themselves a real band if they haven't at least written original songs, most don't feel like a real one until they release studio recordings or play some live shows. Even those covers they make to get their names around get the eye roll if they don't add anything new and genuinely theirs to it.

Goths who're not musicians ourselves, first of all, don't think we're on Monica Richards' or Peter Murphy's level just because we sing THEIR songs half decently in the shower, like fanfic freaks (normal people who do fanfic excempt) who think their poorly written multichapter slowburn copycat romance is on the same level as Dante's Inferno or Paradise Lost.

Second, even if we're not musicians, we expect of each other to do something. Something original. I mean, people whose LOOKS are carbon copies of some other goth, famous or not, get eye rolled too, you know? This past decade things were a little different in that regard thanks to posers and Capitalism™, but other than that, we actually take offense when someone else copies the individual elements OF OUR FUCKING LOOKS that we cultivated to differentiate ourselves from other goths.

That's why DIY is so big in our subculture, why most of us practice SOME sort of creative hobby (music, writing, painting, clothes making, DJing, design, sculpting, etc) even if we suck at them. At least we try to do something that is completely ours rather than just redrawing a Victoria Francés illustration, changing the color of a dress, and publishing it as ours.

Shit, even our "elders" have no comparison. Fandom "elders" are rarely older than in their 40s, and most of the time they're fucking creeps who dedicate their lives to fictional characters decades younger than them and interact with younger fans in very inappropriate ways. There's asshole elder goths too, but our subculture generates so much genuine personal passion and sense of community, that we don't even consider it a YOUTH subculture anymore.

Our elders are ACTUALLY old. I'm talking people who were there since it started in the late 70s/early 80s as teens or early 20-somethings and are STILL goths. There's goths in their 60s nearing their 70s. And the reason we look up to them isn't just that they're weirdo predatory adults who intimidate or groom us into worshipping them. We look up to them because they've gathered knowledge through up to 4 decades of experience. They saw Bauhaus live before they broke up, they were in a tiny local band that opened for a bigger iconic one so they met them PERSONALLY, they keep relics from decades past, they witnessed our history.

Most importantly, they fought tooth and nail for our subculture to keep thriving not by being self-entitled weirdos pressuring others into validating their everything online, but by archiving ancient zines, keeping recordings of obscure bands who only played one live show before disbanding, passing on their knowledge to younger goths in person or online. They put their own money not into the pockets of big media corporations that don't need to make more billions than they already make, but into the pockets of struggling artists, bars, nightclubs, independent fashion designers, and their communities as a whole. That's why we respect them.

And ykw? I think that's the reason most fandom weirdos don't stick to fandoms for a long time, except for a few who cling to one or two but keep the rest rotating, and why most fandom "elders" aren't older than 40.

A show or movie series ends at some point and most creatives don't stretch them for decades on. Obviously they try to milk them as much as they can but if a story ended then it's over and there's only so much of the same repetitive fanfiction you can consume before you burn out and have nothing left to get your hands on. There's no community, yet you identify with a piece of media at the same level as you do your idk, college majors, star sign and shit.

You don't see me identifying as a Requiem in White fan on my description, I identify as a goth because I'm identifying with a history, a community I've interacted with in person, an ever growing body of new and old art and music, and wear my personal version of the uniform which I didn't buy ready to wear, but is the result of an effort of slowly building a wardrobe since 2007, that I've had to experiment with, play with, and each have their own personal stories attached to it. I mean, I remember EXACTLY what I was wearing when some Evangelical ladies sprinkled holy water on me in early 2008 and I still own those clothes, jewelry and shoes lol.

Fandom identity is, to me, only based on capitalist consumerism as identity and yeah, capitalism has clawed at my subculture especially during the 2010s, but it exists outside of that and it's so much more than buying shit, over-streaming songs to inflate an artist's performance, or taking something someone else created, slapping one sticker on it and calling it ours. My subculture can ACTUALLY politically organize, as can others (punk most notably), you know? Including organizing in rejection to the capitalist fast fashion that almost wrecked us this past decade.

All subcultures have some level of ideology attached to them (for better or for worse, sadly), and it's ideology most of us are passionate about. Goths have always been notorious for androgyny, and all forms of gender defiance are normalized and encouraged. A lot of us pay our respects to our punk roots of anti-capitalism. We don't believe in forced unhealthy positivity, we're less afraid of taboos, we appreciate eccentricity and oddity many times as an active choice against established norms, we find solace and home in what general society finds creepy or threatening...

What similar thing does fandom have beyond campaigning for Johnlock to hold hands or going to pride with some creepy yaoi sign? You guys aren't even good at fighting real bigotry within your spaces unless you're personally affected by them.

It's laughable tbh. I can't take fandom seriously at all, and I don't get how so many people can treat something so empty as if it was sacred.

[limitless-rose]

The Signs as things I wanted to be when I grow up

[This has literally been in my drafts since December because I wasn't sure if each option matched with the sign I chose but whatever (it's also a long post again, oof)

Also I didn't really post anything related to 2020 so... Happy New Year, let's hope something good will happen this decade!! 💖]

♈ Aries: Be part of the army. I was quite fascinated by the idea of guns and protecting the nation and actually getting my life together. I was actually thinking about it for quite a while until I realized that in order to get accepted (at least according to the Greek system) you need to have excellent grades (especially maths/physics), to be taller that 165cm and to be excellent in sports. Guess what, I don't understand physics/science/chemistry, I've been about 158cm for the past 3 years and the only two sports I'm good at are badminton and tennis (while you need to be good at running, swimming and things like that I guess 😕)

✧

♉ Taurus: A chef/baker. Cooking and baking always seemed pretty fun. I would always sit by my grandma whenever she cooked/baked goodies and observe the whole process. I also got inspired by the movies "The Princess and the Frog" and "Ratatouille" and thought that one day I could possibly come up with my own recipes and open my own restaurant. But while growing up I realized that I can't cook properly when I'm stressed/multi-tasking (I'm capable of burning the food AND the kitchen if I get slightly distracted, ooof)

✧

♊ Gemini: A TV presenter or a weather woman. My mom told me that from the age of three I would always pretend to talk to an audience and answer questions from the callers or announce news/talk about the weather. Maybe that explains why I talk to thin air (as if I was a YouTuber) about anything and everything when I'm alone. Though it sounds cool, I don't really think I could do it now because I have social anxiety.

✧

♋ Cancer: A writer. I really like writing, I don't know why. Authors have been inspiring me since my childhood, I remember I used to read so many books and try to write something of my own based on it. 😅 I like taking notes and then re-writing them more neatly. I like re-doing old homework in a different style and see if I have improved. I really like writing in a diary/a bullet journal too, I feel like it's much better than bothering others with my problems anyway. I also love coming up with random scenarios/stories/characters and writing about it but I don't know if I should share it. Idk, sometimes I feel like my writing is a bit boring or that it's nothing that impressive. So, honestly, if more people took writers seriously instead of thinking it's a hobby as it doesn't always pay well (when did the world even start revolving around money that much, oml) and if I was more confident about my work I'd definitely chose to become a writer/author (I'm still keeping it as a hobby no matter what I end up doing, lol).

✧

♌ Leo: A model. Omg, I honestly don't know why I even thought of it. Probably because I really liked watching ANTM when I was younger (and I specifically chose the American version because the one we have in my country makes me cringe a lot, just hearing girls from my school talking about it is painful). My friends also liked the outfits that I put together or how I would always pose for pictures (a few years ago, I'm too awkward now asdfghjkl). Looking at it now it's just so funny. There's literally so much competition in the name of beauty, the community can get kinda toxic sometimes and the standards are pretty high. Also I'm way too short and I still can't walk like a normal person when wearing high heels lol.

✧

♍ Virgo: A teacher. Specifically, a teacher for elementary or even kindergarten. Back then, the concept of teaching seemed pretty fun to me and I had lots of ideas about how to make class more interesting. The thing is that I have good chemistry with most kids and I actually kinda dislike teenagers because of how rebellious we can get when it comes to school (idk but like teens in my country are like pretty rude to everyone 😐). I'm not so sure about it now, though it's still an option.

✧

♎ Libra: A psychologist. I always liked helping others out and offering advice when they're having a tough time and I was also curious to see what makes each person feel angry, sad or stressed and the way they respond. It's also interesting because you can learn a lot about someone's personality, preferences and way of thinking or understand what caused someone to commit a crime. I still really like psychology and it's one of my main options for uni. The only problem is that psychology is pretty much overrated in my country so people say it's best to choose something else. 😒

✧

♏ Scorpio: A criminologist. And, surprisingly, I still want it. I was always intrigued by things that required research, was interesting in learning what caused a murder/crime to be committed and I would always watch crime thrillers with my dad. I also like it because it's a field of Sociology which is one of my favorite subjects. I'm just hoping finals aren't super difficult so I can get accepted in the college that I want on the first try lol.

✧

♐ Sagittarius: A flight attendant. Back then I found it kinda fun, as I was always curious about what going on a plane is like. It could also be because of their outfits (like the ones you see in movies or in Britney's MV for Toxic, idk why 😅). Plus I would get to travel around the world without paying as much as the passengers. But then, at the age of 14-15 I got on an airplane 4 times and I saw that it wasn't really like the movies and that literally everyone ignored the flight attendant so yeah, it's not an option anymore. ✈��

✧

♑ Capricorn: A fashion designer. So because I would always draw and constantly ask for new crayons/markers and other art supplies, my mom bought me a few coloring books that focused on fashion. It came along with stickers, stencils, ideas for Victorian dressses, advice for how to design lace or mermaid tail dresses and I was so impressed. A few years later, my grandma showed me a few dresses that she had made for my mom when she was younger (which were so gorgeous like I'm definitely going to wear one of them on my graduation day) and taught me sewing. I also got to see these small floral designs that you usually see on lingerie and it was so pretty, I wish I could do it as perfectly as her. I decided to follow my grandma's advice and keep it as a hobby instead (because she ended up doing nothing but designing clothes and repairing them which she regrets 🧵🧶).

✧

♒ Aquarius: An astronaut. This was pretty random, I have to admit. I guess I really liked space and looking at at the stars in the night sky. I read a few books about space and learned a few things about NASA back in elementary too, though I realized that it's something I could never really do, as you have to sacrifice a lot. I'm still fascinated by this profession but there's no way I could ever do it, since I can't even understand basic physics or mathematics. 🤷‍♀️

✧

♓ Pisces: An artist. Honestly I didn't really care if most artists didn't get recognition/fame or if they didn't earn enough money, I just wanted to make art because I liked it. It's also fun because while you are expressing your thoughts through an art piece, another person might interpret it differently, based on their likings and thoughts. Art also plays an active role in my life: I've been drawing and painting since I was 5 and I would always watch the show with Bob Ross on TV with my grandma. Instead of completely giving up on this idea, I thought that I could choose another profession (also my family didn't really like the thought of me doing art for a living 😐) and keep art as a hobby.

[frogsandfries]

Shit's just been weird

Finally got ahold of my diamond painting that I ordered. It's Bakery by Baelee Jae

And it's really lovely. The only reason I'm making insane progress on it is:

A: I'm entirely burned out. I'm having trouble adjusting to the shift from autumn into winter as told by the sun. Plainly, I hate that from ten until four, it could now be noon or ten or two or anybody's guess.

B: I'm excited about having something pretty on my wall. Finally. This is fairly simple to put together, just follow the clearly delineated process.

C: I desperately needed a three-day weekend for once. I'm so burned out, I feel like I don't even have any sticker ideas. I'm so burned out, I don't know what to do with myself.

Just the last couple days, I got a text from the "friend" in Oregon who caused my partner and myself to be homeless. It was another mewling, worthless post about trying to be better. Apparently, according to the cop here who came out, there's nothing that can be done since it was done on Facebook and why didn't you just block him. I didn't see any point in blocking him, since he'll just create a new account. But whatever. We have a case on file where we are.

According to the sergeant in Oregon, even though at one point we did pretend to play ball, mostly the repeated, unsolicited communications are considered digital/ telecommunicated harassment. So there may be a case there. Especially because this small-town officer probably knows this "friend" and his antics.

What's really..... idk, I'll just say it, the dude's engaged to a fat girl who looks vaguely like me and she wears plastic wigs??? When I left Oregon in early March, there wasn't a whisper that this dude even had any real friends, let alone any kind of love interest???? And now the dude is engaged????? Gross, honestly. I haven't spoken to this girl yet; apparently now it would be criminal to do so, according to a local cop there who is repeatedly, self-professedly a friend to this guy.

I'd like to confirm for myself that this dude is probably doing the same thing he's done with every previous person: All of these previous people who he was just trying to help, they really hurt him and they took from him and he's the real victim here!! So now I'm probably some horrible, awful person, or who knows, maybe my partner is the awful person and one day I'll come to my senses and go back to Oregon to be with my Knight in Shining Armor that I'll realize he truly is, but I'll be disappointed because he'll have someone who's So Much Better than me!!

I just feel sorry for her. But better her than me. This dude didn't even respect my wishes to be alone and wanted to use my emotions to manipulate me into ending my brand new relationship.

So anyway, diamond painting. Not really sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure there will be many designs/illustrations to come that will compel me to buy them and diamond paint them, but I guess they're are going to be times when I'm just utterly burned out and don't want to work on anything else? So maybe I should buy a couple more?

I actually have my eye on a couple more from Diamond Art Club. I haven't really looked much further, but if you happen to read this and know about any Harry Potter, Dr Who, or Ghibli themed diamond paintings, do let me know. I don't think I'll go entirely crazy, but I would love to have some posters or something that aren't entirely tacky or cheap-feeling, and I guess I just don't make time like I could or should for my actual cross-stitch projects. I have two cross-stitch posters in progress right now, one I'm actively working on and the other just waiting at the moment. By actively, I do mean, it's in a drawer, ready to be pulled out and worked on at any moment, but at this point, probably waiting for me to finish Bakery.

Honestly, some full-on painting/ illustrations, or really buckling down on the graphic novel, at this point, is probably the target goal. I have a brand new tablet and it's just waiting to help me make this graphic novel more than just a side project. I just look at some of these diamond paintings and think about the kinds of diamond paintings or posters I would like to have. These, for the most part, aren't it.

[ewankoseyo]

falling || mark imagine

A/N: This went a little off-topic from the request, but I hope you all enjoy! Hope y’all aren’t lactose intolerant because this one’s hella cheesy lol

“Hi hi! I am so in love with each and every one of your stories! They’re all so amazing! Can I request a kindergarten teacher Mark! Where the reader is an assistant teacher and she slowly starts to fall for him over time because she sees how great he is with the kids and how kind he is overall but little does she know he likes her too? And maybe some of the students try to set them up? Idk i think mark would be an amazing teacher especially since he’s so good with kids THANK U! 😘🥰”

——

They say nobody’s perfect, but Mark Tuan came pretty damn close.

“Good morning, Hyunwoo!”

“Hello Teacher!” Hyunwoo happily greeted, hopping to meet Mark’s raised hand in a high-five before going to his desk.

“Good morning, So Min! I like your shirt, do you like Wonder Woman?”

“Yes sir! She’s my favorite superhero.”

You watched from the back of the room as Mark ruffled the little girl’s hair before she ran off to join her friends and you couldn’t help but grin to yourself like an idiot. Mark always made it a point to greet the kids as they came into the room. How does one have so much energy in the morning?

“Okay everyone, gather on the carpet!” Mark stood at the front of the room and beckoned for everyone to join him. The children eagerly ran to their designated spots on the carpet. They mimicked Mark, placing their tiny hands on their stomach. “Good morning class!”

“Good morning Mr. Tuan!” They bowed in unison.

“Don’t forget to greet your neighbor!” The students turned to each other, greeting their friends good morning. “Now class, what did I say we would be learning today?” Mark took out a yard stick and pointed to the phrase on the board, reading slowly so the class could follow along. “Today we are learning about weather. Yes, Seokjin?”

The little boy put his hand down. “You mean like when it’s cloudy and raining outside?”

“That’s correct Seokjin! Rain is part of the weather. You get a gold star for your question.” Mark reached into his back pocket for a pack of stickers and placed a gold star under the boy’s name in the class star chart. Seokjin grinned proudly at Mark, he always wanted to contribute answers in class. “We will be learning about all types of weather and I have a song to help us! Can I get some assistance?”

You immediately shook yourself out of your daydream, only now realizing Mark was talking to you. He smiled brightly your way, and you could only nod as you joined him at the front of the classroom. You thought that the novelty of being the Mark Tuan’s teaching assistant would have worn off after the first week, but after a month with him, you weren’t sure if you were getting the proper teaching experience you needed.

Being well-versed in things like the way Mark’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree when a student got an answer correct? You were surely getting that experience.

“Ready to begin, Miss?” Mark turned to you, shooting another blinding smile your way. You nodded once again, afraid of looking him in the eyes as you pressed play on his stereo. You were hoping that the warmth you felt rising to your cheeks were just from the small bodies clustered together in the tiny classroom. Mark turned back to the class as the first few beats of his song began. “Follow us everybody! Let’s sing!”

——

“See you next week! Don’t forget to bring a picture of your family for show and tell!” Mark waved off to the students running out of his classroom.

As he tousled the hair of the last student leaving, you felt your heart swell. You attempted to focus on the water colors you were cleaning up, but your attention kept returning to the young teacher—how he didn’t take his eyes off the students until they were completely out of sight, how he sighed to himself with content at the end of another day with his favorite kids, how the sunlight beaming through the window seemed to give him an angelic glow, how his eyes crinkled up adorably as he turned to you and spoke—

Wait, he was speaking to you.

Don’t just stare at him, say something!

“Sorry, what was that?” You felt your cheeks growing warm again, and this time you couldn’t blame all the tiny bodies in the room. Exactly how long had you been staring? And did he happen to notice you staring? You looked away from him, silently cursing yourself and hastily cleaning up a table so you couldn’t see his reaction.

Mark chuckled, a sound you knew all too well. “I was just saying that you’ve become a natural. You even came up with new voices for story time.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out his stickers. “I think that gets you a gold star!”

Your breath hitched as he delicately placed the gold sticker on your collar. Gosh, was it possible for you to not freak out at every little thing he did? Granted, that was the closest his hand had ever been to your face. You could only imagine the feeling of Mark tucking away a stray hair behind your ear, hand caressing your cheek—

“It’s nothing,” you replied offhandedly, resuming your clean up. “I learn from the best.” About Mark? Yes. But about teaching? You weren’t so sure.

Mark helped you in cleaning up, picking up paint brushes from another table. “I’m serious! At the beginning of the month, you were really shy and careful with the students, but now I think you’ve really broken out of your shell.”

You smiled to yourself. Mark had a way with making people feel good about themselves, and you knew he meant every word of it. “Well thank you Mark, it really means a lot,” you told him as you wiped down the table. “I was always so used to working with students one-in-one, so overseeing a whole classroom has been a big change for me. I still have much to learn from you.”

You turned around to toss the dirty wipes in the trash, only to be met with Mark’s chest. You looked up, your face now closer to his than it’s ever been. Was it possible to see the entire galaxy in someone’s eyes? The warmth you felt in your cheeks traveled to your ears.

“Sorry I—”

“It was my fault, I was moving too fast,” Mark smiled apologetically, steadying you with a hand on your shoulder. “I just needed to wash these brush—”

“Mr. Tuan!” Startled, you stepped away from Mark. Seokjin stood there in the doorway, tears streaming down his face.

“What’s wrong, Seokjin?” Mark asked worriedly, putting his brushes down and making his way over to the boy.

“Me and Hyunwoo were walking home together and then he saw a tree and wanted to show me how he climbed trees,” Seokjin spoke through sobs. Mark bent down to the boy’s level and patted him on the back soothingly. “I told him to stop, but he went higher and he just—I couldn’t carry him—”

“Show me where he is,” Mark said gravely, ushering Seokjin outside before turning back to you. You had never seen him look so serious. “I’ll be back.”

You nodded. “I-I’ll finish cleaning up here.”

Half an hour and a couple of scrapes and bruises that needed cleaning later, Hyunwoo’s mom came to pick him and Seokjin up from Mark’s classroom.

“Thank you so much for helping us,” the woman bowed to Mark before looking at the injured boy in her arms. “What did I say about climbing trees?! Do you know how scared I was when Mr. Tuan called me?!”

“Sorry mom,” Hyunwoo mumbled regretfully into her shoulder.

“It’s no problem ma’am, I’m just doing my job,” Mark assured, looking at her sympathetically. “I’m just glad that Hyunwoo didn’t break anything. We’ll be missing him tomorrow, but he should definitely stay home and recuperate.”

After apologizing to and thanking Mark again profusely, the woman left to take the two boys home. Mark turned to you once the room was quiet again and let out a chuckle.

“Well that was probably the most eventful thing to happen since the beginning of school.”

You shook your head in disbelief as you gathered your belongings. “Mark, I don’t know how you do it.”

He looked at you with slight confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You reacted immediately yet calmly, and you knew exactly what to do, even though Hyunwoo didn’t explicitly say Seokjin fell out of the tree,” you explained in awe. “If it were me, I wouldn’t have been able to think clearly and I’d start freaking out. And you’d also run the risk of parents blaming you for their child getting hurt, even though it did happen after school, parents would still think you were responsible—”

“It’s just a matter of putting my students first,” Mark interrupts. “At that moment, my number one priority is making sure the kids are okay and I’d just deal with the consequences, like parents getting mad at me, later.”

“Oh, right.” You nodded slowly. Of course you should put students’ needs and safety first. You sighed to yourself, Mark probably thought you were some heartless idiot who took this teaching assistant job for the benefits. Not wanting to make more of a fool of yourself, you took that moment as your cue to leave. “Well this place is clean, I’ll see you tomorrow, Mark.”

You moved past him with your head down in embarrassment but he gently grabbed your arm, stopping you in your tracks. “Wait! You take the bus, right?”

You looked at his hand on your arm, then at him. “Correct,” you managed to choke out.

“I could drive you home, you know,” Mark suggested with a smile, putting his hand down. “You’re on the way.”

You stood there frozen, contemplating his offer. Maybe this was a sign that he had a thing for you too? And this was his way of getting closer to you? With that killer smile directed your way, what else could it mean, right?

Or maybe Mark was just being nice because he was always a nice guy. And giving someone a ride whose destination was already on your route was not an outlandish thing to offer. Also when did Mark not have a smile that was killer? You’d be a fool to think they were exclusively for you.

Why would Mark have a thing for you? You were just his teaching assistant. He was (almost) perfect.

You shook your head, lips pursed in a thin smile. “It’s okay, I don’t want to impose.”

Mark tilted his head in confusion. “You wouldn’t be imposing, like I said, you’re on the way—”

“And I told a friend I would meet up with her after work for...a thing.” You mentally kicked yourself for such a lame excuse. Now you really had to leave. “I’ll see you again tomorrow, Mark.” You left without another word or glance at the young teacher.

You knew Mark Tuan came pretty damn close to perfection, and he deserved nothing short of it.

——

Hyunwoo had never seen you look so furious.

“Ma’am,” you growled politely at the older woman in front of you, pulling Hyunwoo closer to your side. “Hyunwoo is very sorry for taking from your tree, right Hyunwoo?”

“I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t know that was your apple tree,” Hyunwoo apologized again, bowing lowly. The older woman rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re teaching your kids at that school, but it sure isn’t manners!”

“But,” you interjected. “That does not give you the right to hit our students—”

“If you’re not going to teach your students right—”

“We teach our students well at our school, thank you very much,” you corrected angrily. “Like he said, he didn’t know it was your tree. Hyunwoo wouldn’t have done it had he known. We apologized and gave you your apples back. Why criticize our school when there was no big harm done?”

The older woman took a step closer to you. Hyunwoo cowered behind you, clinging to you tighter. “Teacher, you dare talk down to me?”

You didn’t flinch. “No I’m simply reasoning with you, as adults should. Now if you don’t have anything sensible to say, we’re going to be late for school.” You started walking off with Hyunwoo in tow.

“I’m going to report this to the principal. To the school board!”

You stopped in your tracks, looking at the woman slightly. “Need I remind you that Mark Tuan was the one who would drive your husband to and from the hospital when he was sick? Do you really want to tell the principal and get Mark in trouble over something so small?” Sensing the older woman backing off, you gave her a short nod and left.

“Thank you Miss,” Hyunwoo said quietly behind you once you were both out of the woman’s sight.

You sighed as you took his hand, attempting to quicken his pace. “Hyunwoo, what were you doing?”

“Sorry for taking apples from the scary ahjumma’s tree.”

You glanced sympathetically at the boy hanging his head down in shame and tousled his hair. “Thank you for saying that, but that’s not why I’m upset. Hyunwoo, you know you shouldn’t have been climbing that tree. You got us all scared the last time. What if you fell again?”

“I’m sorry Miss, I won’t do it again.” As he held his tiny pinky up to you, you knew you’d be a monster to turn down his promise.

As you entered the classroom, Hyunwoo immediately ran off to his friends to tell them about his morning. When Mark noticed you come in, he gave you a worried look. You were usually here with him an hour before school started, though you didn’t need to be, so it didn’t sit well with him when he didn’t see you bright and early that morning. Mark was about to come up to you and ask what happened, but you just shook your head.

“I know we’re late,” you said apologetically. “I’ll tell you about it later. I don’t want you hold back class any longer.” He wanted to press on, but eventually decided against it.

“Okay everyone, please join me at the carpet!”

The morning’s lesson went without a hitch as Mark taught the students about time with you by his side. He was still left wondering what happened when recess came around and you decided to supervise the schoolyard so Mark could prepare for the next lesson. When the bell rang, all the students ran out of the classroom to play except for Hyunwoo, who stayed at his desk and was quietly drawing.

“Hi Hyunwoo, what are you drawing there?” Mark took the empty seat next to the boy.

It took a moment for Hyunwoo to answer as he was concentrated on coloring. “I’m drawing a picture for Miss.”

Mark noticed Hyunwoo was drawing you. The sentiment warmed his heart. Hyunwoo was often misunderstood by other teachers and adults, but it made Mark happy that he had grown fond of you. “You’re giving it to her? I’m sure she’ll love it.”

Hyunwoo nodded. “Yeah! Today she saved me from the scary ahjumma by the school who hit me.”

Despite the boy’s excited attitude, Mark felt his blood begin to boil at the thought. “Hyunwoo...why did she hit you?”

“I climbed her tree to get apples,” Hyunwoo whispered as if afraid of getting in trouble. “But I didn’t know it was her tree! But then Miss saw me and saved me! The scary ahjumma got mad at her but then Miss said something back and the scary ahjumma got scared!”

Mark let out a sigh of relief when he realized it wasn’t anything too serious. “Why were you trying to get apples, Hyunwoo? You could have gotten really hurt.”

“That’s what Miss said too,” Hyunwoo mentioned. “I wanted to give something to her and I saw on tv teachers like apples, so I tried to pick apples for her. But then I couldn’t, so now I’m drawing a picture!”

“Why do you want to give her a present?”

“Because I like her, she’s my favorite,” Hyunwoo answered, not looking up from his work. Mark smiled fondly at the boy before getting up to prepare for the next lesson.

“That makes the two of us, Hyunwoo.”

——

“Before you leave, don’t forget to help clean up the room!” You announced to the class. “Then line up by the door so I can give you all a Valentine’s Day chocolate on your way out!” The children cheered at the implication of earning more sweets that day and raced to tidy up the room. You and Mark shared a glance from across the room and laughed at the kids’ eagerness.

After passing out your last chocolate, you could finally breath. The students had been looking forward to the Valentine’s Day celebration you were organizing all week and you were glad you were able to pull it off. It took you out of your comfort zone to plan, but kids really enjoyed the games and activities you put together.

You looked over at Mark, who was picking up some leftover wrappers on the floor, and made your way to him. “Chocolate?”

“Don’t mind if I do.” He gladly took the candy from your outstretched hand. “Good job today, I could tell the kids had a lot of fun, especially with the gift exchange. I think you’re pretty much ready to lead a class by yourself full-time.”

“You think too highly of me,” you joked, feeling the familiar warmth rising up your neck. “but thanks Mark. I always appreciate hearing your feedback.”

“Oh! I have something for you.” Mark dashed over to swipe something from his desk. He returned to you with a heart-shaped card similar to the ones the kids made during an activity. He had drawn a bee buzzing around the card.

“‘You are the bee’s knees. To the best teaching assistant a teacher could ask for,’” you read aloud with a giggle. “Aww thanks Mark! And here I thought that the only Valentine I would receive today was from Hyunwoo.”

“He gave you that drawing he’s been working on?”

“Along with a Fuji apple from the market. He’s the sweetest kid.” You two shared a laugh before falling into silence. You probably should have taken this as your cue to leave, seeing as Mark wasn’t going to say anything else. Maybe it was because it was Valentine’s Day or maybe it was because he had just praised you, but you didn’t want to leave Mark just yet. “So...you got any plans for Valentine’s Day?”

“What?”

You mentally cursed yourself for the awkward question. “I mean, I’m assuming you probably have plans with a special someone—not that it’s a good thing to assume things about people but you just seem like the type—”

“You accepted my card didn’t you?”

“What?” Now it was your turn to be confused. “Wait you mean—”

“That you’re my Valentine?” Mark finished, smirking at your realization. “Well that’s how you explained it to the kids today, so yes.”

“Are you serious?” You looked at Mark in disbelief as he nodded fervently in response. “But Mark—I...why me?”

He smiled bashfully, nervously scratching the back of his neck. “Why not? You’re kind of perfect.”

Mark let out a laugh as you scoffed at him. “Me?! I could say the same about you! You’re the young handsome kindergarten teacher who all the other female teachers fawn over. You’re so brilliant and passionate about child development, not only do the students have fun during your lessons but they learn so much and you’re just able to relate to them...and then I’m just me.”

“Well you, Miss,” Mark put a hand under his chin as he playfully pondered his next words. “You were the new beautiful and recently-graduated-with-top-honors assistant teacher who all the teachers were hoping to have in their class. Jackson was super bummed when he found out you weren’t interested in teaching middle school. You’ve been worried about how you were going to connect with these students, but you never gave up, always giving them your 100%. You know, after Hyunwoo told everyone the story of how you protected him, they kind of see you as a hero. You’re more assertive to adults than you think when it comes to the kids, more than I ever could be.”

“So you like me because I’m assertive?”

“I like you because you didn’t realize you were. And then some.” Mark grinned, looking at you hopefully. “So...please tell me that you’re free tonight for our first Valentine’s date, otherwise I just made a complete fool of myself by making you that card.”

“Our first date?” You asked slyly before letting out a whine. “Gosh Mark! You’re supposed to be the cool one. I’m supposed to be the shy one falling inexplicably and one-sidedly, not you!”

You both stood there with the cheesiest grins, neither one believing the other’s feelings. “Does that mean—”

“Yes Mark, yes I’m free for our first Valtentine’s date tonight.”

“Good, because I already kind of made reservations at this one place.” You gave Mark a playful shove before pulling him into a hug. Your body relaxed against his as he drew you closer into his chest. You would have stayed like that even longer, taking your time falling deeper and deeper, if it wasn’t for—

“Wow Mr. Tuan! Did you kiss her yet?!”

——

[rcvelers]

hi, & welcome ! so, paige is a muse i’ve had since i was like 16, so she’s seen many verses and faces over the years, but i missed her and wrote a bio for her in this setting, so i thought i’d test the waters. she has a BIO, STATS, & a PINTEREST, but all her good intro stuff is under the cut. like this to plot or message me if any of the wanted connections grabs your interest. 

(sydney sweeney, cisfemale) PAIGE BRADLEY, the REVELER, is TWENTY and a JUNIOR. SHE is majoring in GRAPHIC DESIGN. They are not part of the Imperium Society and from the outside, they think it’s FULL OF ASSHOLES. I often see them around campus PISSING OFF THE ADMINISTRATION. They remind me of CHERRY CHAPSTICK, A BLUNT BEHIND HER EAR, SKINNED KNEES, AND SHARPIE MARKER GRAFFITI ON THE DESKS. (kati)

TL;DR

ok, paige has big chaotic gay energy and this VINE is her 

essentially, paige grew up in the USA until she reached high school when her mom moved to edinburgh for a job – a job teaching philosophy and sociology at ashcroft university

her dad is a police commissioner so she’s really In It with all of this ashcroft drama

but she grew up in small town USA and despite her parents being strict rule-followers, she was really the opposite? she went through babysitters faster than underwear (is that a real saying?), caused trouble in class, but was always just a little too smart to get caught – her primo move is pinning the blame on someone else

she’s the sort of person who always has a lot of friends because she’s a lot of fun but they never really stick around for long because no one likes being manipulated into trouble all the time

paige sort of just lives to have a good time, fuck the consequences, which is a tiring way to live, so she really doesn’t give a fuck about a lot? 

she really didn’t plan to go to college and she was going to travel all over europe until there was an incident at her high school – she essentially sold a freshman drugs and he had an overdose

her parents helped her get out of trouble but in return, she had to go to COLLEGE, at the school where her mom teaches – ashcroft. she doesn’t really fit in too well with a lot of the other kids because she’s not “posh” and doesn’t really care about school that much. 

how does imperium come into the mix? well, paige does a lot of things to amuse herself, and imperium caught her interest. she was bored, so one day she tried to join. this came in the form of BLACKMAILING warren on some old shit he did so she could come hang out with the society.

honestly, she didn’t really fit in with them and they bored her after a while – at least, that’s what she says when people ask why she left. but, there was someone there that she had a really genuine connection with, perhaps her first and only real relationship, and she doesn’t want to deal with being in the same room with them and their friends every damn day.

she was really close with lydia, they were sleeping together, but she believes lydia is fine. 

HEADCANONS

she’s a graphic design major and her art is really stylized and graffiti-esque. she tends to draw all over campus and always has sharpies with her, you can see her doodles everywhere. she also makes stickers handmade, which she sells but also pastes around campus.

her sexuality is really undefined and i think she just doesn’t care enough to define it? like, she’ll be attracted to whoever she’s attracted to and she’d like to leave it at that. 

SHE CANNOT DRIVE. however, she does all the time. she does not have any sort or license or skill, but she loves to get behind the wheel of anything. 

always has a broken bone or scraped up something. she’s a huge klutz and a bit of a ditz, but it’s mainly because she doesn’t care enough to be anything else. 

can be super insensitive and callous, mostly because she doesn’t think about the fact that other people have feelings? even with her own shit, so she’s definitely said things about quentin that rubbed people the wrong way. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

The Ex: this character is in the society and paige’s only real relationship – they were probably very close and paige fell HARD. things went sour for whatever reason – maybe paige’s inexperience in relationships or nervousness to commit (she could’ve done a number of shitty things to them), but she quit the society because of them 

opposites attract friends: like, a really cute friendship where paige is crazy and untamed and this friend is a real rule follower, but somehow they compliment each other? they reign paige in and she gets them out of their shell. 

partners in crime: these two are TROUBLE together, always fucking off and having fun, and whenever people see them together they know to run probably 

friends with benefits: idk, they’re fucking just for fun. most of paige’s sexual relationships are like this because um, she’s never going to commit to anyone and she just wants to have a good time. this could be with someone as chaotic as her or with someone who’s really different than her.

an almost? will-they, won’t-they?: there’s definitely feelings there, but paige’s always been too flighty, unwilling to be tied down, or maybe the timing’s just always been wrong so nothing’s ever happened between them. they’re probably really flirty and cute, they’re probably good friends too, maybe paige has even made other relationships difficult for them bc their s/os always get jealous. 

a project: someone paige is desperate to see loosen up and have a good time, so she’s trying to entice them out of their shell. probably someone paige wants to eventually use in some of her schemes but...she also just wants to see them smile and live a little.

friendship that went sour: paige used them for one of her pranks and threw them under the bus afterward. they realized how little they really meant to her and there was a fight and a fallout. now, they HATE paige, but paige probably doesn’t really care?

someone scorned: paige probably slept with their partner and ruined a relationship, so they hate her. or, maybe they slept with paige and ruined their relationship FOR her only to find out that she was pretty disinterested in committing to anything. 

also down for childhood friends, crushes, squad, smoking buddies/detention buddies, roommates, whatever else we can drum up. 

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

Pink Heart Days, (an I Give Up Deleted Scene)

Genre: Angst/Smut 18+

Characters: You X Baekhyun

Word Count: 5.6k

A/N: idk i just wrote this today and i died a little.

IGU Deleted Scenes Masterlist

It started with that damn credit card. It was small and plastic and it had your name printed out on it. You hadn’t even been expecting it when it came in the mail, addressed to you in a plain white envelope on a Tuesday afternoon that felt like any other Tuesday afternoon.

You instantly pulled out your cell phone, shot a picture of the card, still attached to the welcome letter with that stretchy strip of glue and sent the image to Baekhyun.

You didn’t even have time to type out a question when your phone buzzed with his reply.

“OH, it came. Good ^^”

“Don't freak out. It’s only for emergencies.”

“And for anything, you might need around the house.”

“Stop buying cheap ramen, baby. Use the card and buy nice healthy stuff, please. I need you to be mine forever and ever.”

“And buy me sausages too.”

You didn't even have a response for him. If you complained about the very thought of using his money he would nag about how nothing was really his or yours anymore. The millions you saw on the screen of your banking app that changed daily, rising and falling as if it had a mind of its own, somehow, even without your having to earn a dime of it, had your name on it beside his.

If you mentioned the idea of paying for something from that other account, the one with only your name, the one that held your earnings from the part time job you still showed up for at the dry cleaners, the one that he tried to convince you to quit so you could focus on your studies, if you mentioned that account he would probably freak out and demand to know why you even still bothered with all of that when he was more than capable of paying for your school fees, or for your lunches when you were out of the house, or for silly little things like those cheap dangly earrings you bought because you thought they were pretty even if they were fake and would make your ears itch if you wore them for longer than a day.

Baekhyun insistently maintained that since you’d gotten married and even updated his family registry to add your name as his legal spouse there was only what belonged to the both of you.

It was a big old thing at the time. After the initial freak out of both your parents and his parents and that enormous storm that must have taken months to blow over, it actually felt like relief to have the huge secret out to the closest people in your life. It certainly made it easier to explain to your parents why you were moving into his place. He was your husband. Didn’t wives live with their husbands after all?

Even if “living with” was about as big a stretch as one could make claim to when the amount of time he was actually home with you was this paltry little number of days marked on the calendar with little pink heart stickers with his very own hand. Pink heart days were scheduled like doctor’s appointments. You always knew ahead of time when he would have a day, or an afternoon, or a night off and you would wait anxiously for the sound of that door code to ring out; with his favorite snacks in the kitchen, the latest new releases on DVD to watch with him and the house in tip-top shape out of some twisted sense of marital obligation that lived somewhere deep inside the recesses of your mind.

It simply was not part of your personality to blindly accept everything he had to give you without at least some bit of effort on your part to somehow earn it. You were trying though. On Friday nights you would splurge on the good take out, the kind that was double the price and all organic, and you even stopped buying the cheap ramen after he threw it all out when he had been feeling particularly naggy.

At least, on pink heart days, you were always sure things like super deluxe toilet paper was well stocked in the bathrooms, the thermostat in the apartment was set to a crisp and perfect temperature, more than appropriate for the season outside, and all of the bills were up to date.

You kept him and his ideals satisfied, and on most days, days on the calendar that didn’t have a little pink heart, you stayed in nights, ate leftovers from dinner with your mom, and covered up with extra blankets to save on the heating bill when it was really cold outside.

You felt like a sneak, sure, but the system worked for you.

That was until one particularly cold evening that was not a pink heart day (this was Wednesday and the next pink heart day was at least two weeks away), and you were curled up on the sofa wrapped inside your favorite down comforter for lounging, sipping a mug of warm tea as you went over the questions and answers for the exam you had just received back from the professor. You got an A on the exam, only missing a single question (a stupidly worded question designed to confuse, you were now convinced), and you were certain the midterm would cover this material. It never hurt to sink this knowledge in deep so you had no problems come exam time.

The microwave dinged and your leftover rice was waiting for you when you heard another sound. Something that was different from the beeping in the kitchen, this was unexpected and unprecedented. It was the door and someone was pushing buttons to open it and here you were, midway to the kitchen, walking entirely encased in your blanket cocoon with the floor below your socks unvacuumed and you were pretty sure there was next to no food in that fridge right now.

“Hello?” It was definitely Baekhyun’s voice echoing down the hallway that led toward the kitchen from the front door and you felt a strange swell of panic inside your chest. It was absolutely, in no twist of fate or trick of the cosmos, definitely not a pink heart day!

“Oh, it’s cold in here.” You heard him say to himself.

“Baby?”

There was a misplaced alarm in his voice. You heard it in the way he called out for you and the quick steps you heard of his bare feet slapping on the marble floor made your voice work instantly.

“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen,” you called back and his bare face appeared in front of your eyes like a dream. His eyes were wide and his chest heaved with the heavy breaths he took. It only lasted a second because he had you in his sights, still cocooned in the big blanket with both hands around the mug of tea you hadn’t yet had a chance to finish.

“Why is it so cold in here? Are you not feeling well? Are you sick? Do you have a fever?” The questions didn't seem to follow a coherent thread of thought but he was now taking in your appearance, the big blanket, the mug of warm tea. Perhaps he thought you were sick and having a temperature control problem.

“What are you doing here? You aren’t scheduled to be home today.” He had already taken the steps to close the distance between the two of you and his hands were rubbing up and down over the blanket over your arms before he dipped his face to look into your eyes for a moment. You let the eye contact he sought out, fall quickly from your own grasp. You felt his warm fingers brush along your cheek before he opened his hand to lay it flat over your skin, cupping your face. He moved the same hand to feel the skin of your forehead and his brows furrowed once and he looked around the place at last.

It was dark. It was cold. You were alone with a single dish of leftover rice from your mom’s house sitting inside the opened microwave oven; since you hadn’t had a chance to make it to the market and grocery delivery services honestly felt like such a waste of money when it was just for you, so you were eating just the rice for dinner and he wasn’t supposed to be home yet. It wasn’t a damn pink heart day.

Baekhyun was a very smart man.

And he knew you quite well.

You saw the shift in his demeanor in an instant as he took in the clues around him and he bit down on his lip while crossing arms over his chest.

When shift reached his eyes and they hardened you knew you were in for a long night.

You expected some line of questioning. Much of the same as from before when things like this got out of hand.

“Is this your dinner?” Was the only question from his lips and he pulled the rice from the microwave, careful not to burn his fingers and let the container toss down onto the granite countertop rather unceremoniously before he was pulling the door of the fridge open quickly to peer inside.

“Why is this so empty? Why are you only having rice? Why are all the lights off? Why is it so fucking cold in this house?”

He whirled around, his eyes wide and his face red and you carefully placed the tea on the counter before you as you reached to clean up the bits of rice that had scattered when he tossed the plastic container. The vibration in your chest made you feel uncomfortable.

The fridge closed with a bang and you could hear something fall out of the door inside and tumble against the inside shelves. It was probably the soy sauce. There wasn’t much else to tumble and the soy sauce liked to fall out if you let the door of your fridge close too carelessly.

“Is this how you live when I’m not here?”

You felt a lump somewhere within your chest with his words. You could hear the disappointment and the accusation in them and perhaps it was that one fucking question you got wrong on your test, or maybe it was the fact that your period was due to start sometime next week and your breasts had been feeling a bit sore and tender when you showered, but you could feel that lump growing harder and more suffocating the longer he stood in your kitchen with his hands at his hips, a colonel standing akimbo, waiting for his private to give a report.

...when He was not here.

He was the love of your life. He was the only one whose mere existence could brighten your foul moods and make you smile when you felt like crying.

Crying was something you rarely did with Baekhyun. You never cried on the pink heart days. You saved that for the rest of the days of the week.

You saved that for the days when he was not here.

Which was nearly all of the time.

“What does it matter if you aren’t even here to see it?” You shoved your shoulders out of the blanket, forgetting it on the floor at your feet and you pushed your body into the space behind his back, where the kitchen counter bruised up against your flank when you shoved past his heavy breathing and toward that fridge to find the bottle of soy sauce with swift hands before it could be forgotten and roll out, shattering on the floor below. What a mess that would be for you to clean up all by yourself. The bits of glass would surely scatter below the small space of opening below the fridge. What if when the robot vacuum that liked to keep you company sometimes whenever you remembered to charge it, dislodged a tiny piece of glass and dropped it somewhere on the floor and then you stepped on it. Do you know how hard it is to remove a piece of glass from your own foot without anyone to help you?

You were right. It was the bottle of soy sauce. You caught it in time and carefully placed it back inside the door and closing the thing slowly and carefully so it would not fall again.

When you turned to face him you were only met with his back.

He had not moved and his hands hung limply by his side, not even enraged enough for tightly clenched fists or trembling shoulders that were wound too tightly.

“It’s—” he whispered, “hard...isn’t it?”

You hadn’t expected this question. It didn't fit his usual questions when you argued about the money you didn’t spend, and its arrival was unwelcome for it brought with it a burst of pressure that pushed the lump in your throat up higher. Every time you tried to breathe now, you could feel it. What was that? Why couldn't you swallow it away?

You scratched at your throat and your hand rubbed over your face lightly, coming back wet.

Great. You were crying now and with the defeated way his shoulders sagged and the sound of his breathing you could tell that he was close to the same.

“Having to ...wait to see you. Making appointments like a business meeting so I can touch you. Not being able to look at you with my own two eyes to make sure you’re eating well or sleeping well.” When he inhaled a breath it sounded as unstable as the soy sauce ready to shatter against the hard marble floor.

“I know it’s not enough,” he said.

The lump was at the back of your tongue and you lifted both hands to cover your face and block out the sight his defeated shoulders sagging like that. His head had hung so low you couldn't even make out the top of his blonde hair anymore. Or was it grey now? His hair changed like the calendar days and sometimes you missed entire shades. You heard from a fansite that his hair was a chestnut brown for a small while recently, yet you saw no evidence with your own two eyes.

With your hands over your eyes, you didn't have to see any of the tremblings you heard in his lungs. You only heard the sound of the gasp of breath. You only heard the shift as he turned and pivoted and you only felt the tremble in his fingertips that brushed lightly over the back of your head.

“Am… I fucking this up?” Your lips trembled against your will and your eyes burned as fresh tears welled up and spilled below your fingers. “God...I love you so much. Am I ruining us?”

You gasped in for air, unable to breathe right through your hands and through the trembling and when you risked a look you could see the pain on his face.

Baekhyun, your Baekhyun. That beautiful human who you loved and who loved you; who promised you everything, but who also promised his company and his group and his fans everything as well, and worked himself to death to deliver on all of the promises, only failing himself in the end when he collapsed into his bed for three hours of sleep on an exhausted body and mind and soul so he could wake up and do it all over again. Baekhyun was crying, the tears flooded his eyes and spilled out over his cheeks and his nose was as pink as those hearts. The eye makeup left on his eyes smudged below his water line and he closed his eyes. Fresh tears fell with the action.

He sank. His hands reached out to you, reaching around your waist and his legs bent at the knees as he sank down onto the kitchen floor at your feet and he wrapped both arms tightly around you, bending at the elbows with the tightness with which he grasped and his face was buried into your belly, surely wiping the tears from his face and onto the soft sweater that kept you warm in this cold apartment.

“I can't take care of you like I want to. I can't do anything but this, and if it’s not enough I don't know what I will do.” He was begging now, on his knees and all and you slipped your fingertips inside his hair, cradling the back of his head against your body. The touch of your hand made him gasp wildly, stealing his oxygen from the tiny spaces between the knit of your fabric; he breathed you in deeply and desperately as his arms constricted tighter around you.

“It has to be enough Baekhyun,” you found your voice easier when you didn’t have to imagine that he was somehow disappointed in you. “We will make it be enough.”

His arms were too tight for you to move at all and you pushed against his shoulder, trying to get him to loosen the grip enough for some movement.

His arm muscles relaxed just enough and you sank down with him. If he was going to be down here begging then so were you. Within the tiny space to move between those arms you took your chance and sat, finding yourself in the right spot to reach for his waist with your own arms and wrap them tightly around, as tightly as he held onto you, you held on to him and when you buried your own face in the crook of his neck you felt the warmth of his skin below your lips. When you breathed in, you smelled him surrounding and filling your senses and when you pursed your lips and kissed the skin of his neck he shifted and pulled against your chin with the tips of his fingers until his lips were on yours and he was kissing you with that same desperation that stole the oxygen from your belly and squeezed strong arms around your frame until your bones ached.

The wetness on his face mingled with your own and his lips tasted of salt. Inside of his mouth tasted like Baekhyun and the way his lips pulled against your own felt like the man you loved.

Behind your back, his arms moved, pulling at the thick blanket you had discarded on the floor and you felt him pull you around, spinning you in place quickly, before he pushed you down to the floor, over the blanket that had been your source of warmth before his unexpected arrival. The warmth of the blanket at your back felt inviting, but the warmth of his body covering over your own was like a fire. The shift was instantaneous and demanded attention at once. It was like this with Baekhyun sometimes. The heightened emotions flooding your body changed into a rough demanding desire and you pulled at the shirt he still wore, seeking out the smoothness of his skin with your fingertips. He was softer lately, gone was the thin skin over firm muscles that covered his bones, he had a soft feeling to his skin that you could sink your fingertips into and you coveted it in a way that made you crazy at times.

While you pulled at his clothing, he pulled roughly at your sweater until you finally sat up enough for it to be pulled over your head and your hips were lifted enough for him to pull your cozy sweatpants down along with your underwear. The back of your mind nagged about razors and sexy underwear that would simply have to be ignored for now because it wasn’t a pink heart day and you had no idea that he would be here, ripping at your clothing like it was on fire as he moved between your parted legs with lightly biting teeth and deep breaths against your center that made your knees tremble as you tried to keep them upright.

There was no ceremony. There was no asking of permission or light kisses that lead up to what he wanted; instead, he pulled hard and fast at your legs, gripping fingers deep into your thighs, he shoved your legs wide and he was gone from your line of sight.

The sensations overwhelmed, and if you foolishly expected anything else from him right now, you were a damn idiot, because you should have known you didn't stand a chance tonight.

You reached for his head at the same time that he reached forward with the tip of his tongue and only the first touch was gentle. When his fingertips sank down hard into the softness of your thighs, your fingertips curled into his hair and gripped tight and there was a guttural sound that emerged from his chest. In response to you pulling his hair, pulling him into you, or merely the culmination of everything else, you couldn't find it in you to care right now.

After the sound, came the words. Peppered in between actions as his lips sucked harder around your clit and his tongue licked up the moisture between your folds, he was speaking to you, in a low voice, hardly loud enough for you to make out the individual syllables.

“God, I’ve missed you.”

“You taste so fucking good.”

“Did you miss me too?”

With the low volume, you half wondered if he was speaking to you, or directly between your legs.

When his fingers joined the onslaught, your mind was far away from formulating any sort of a response to the questions, and his fingertips ran circles inside of your entrance coaxing you into submission as he whispered his requests again.

“That’s right, cum on my face, baby, I need to drink you up,” he sucked and pulled against your clit and it was too late for any refusals from you as your muscles tensed and your walls tightened around his fingers. He did not let up. He did not abate and he pulled from you, again and again, swallowing down all he could until your legs went slack and your gasping lungs ached for fresh air. Anything you could get to fill your lungs would do, you must have been holding your breath as you came.

When your eyes opened you found him perched on his ankles, one hand resting on your knee and the other somewhere near the floor and he was watching you through half-closed eyelids and his lungs roughly pushing air through his heaving chest.

And he was soaked. From his cheeks to his shoulder blades, he shone with the wetness of you. There was something behind his gaze, something other than the mind-blowing orgasm you were still trying to recover from. Something darker than desire.

He moved his hand first. The one that was hanging down between your legs, and slipped wet fingertips up the length of your stomach, slowly passed your navel, he left a trail of wetness over you until he came to rest over your breast. His eyes watched your face as he moved and that darkness remained behind his irises.

“There are a few truths about you that make me lose my mind—” his voice was husky and affected and you knew that if he had gotten the chance to remove his pants during the rapid-fire strip show earlier he might not have as much self-restraint as he was displaying right now.

“You are...really fucking beautiful—” he lowered himself, bringing his face closer to yours as he looked into your face with his words. On the surface, they felt like compliments, like the ones he sang sweetly into your ear night after night on the phone, or texted to you daily when he was too busy for any phone calls, but that darkness in his eyes felt more like frustration now than anything else you could call it. “—I mean, just gorgeous. Do you ever look in the mirror at yourself? Fuck, it makes me so crazy when I can’t touch you like this.” His hand squeezed around your breast and you closed your eyes when his fingertips pinched against your nipple.

You arched your back into his hand and he relaxed the grip and narrowed his eyes.

“And you are also really ...really fucking stubborn.”

This was maddening. Your fingers reached for the sweatpants he wore where he rested between your parted legs on the floor of your kitchen. There was nothing but a blanket to keep you cushioned and yet your eyes zeroed in on those pants and you saw nothing else.

You wanted him. You wanted him to quit teasing you like this and fuck you already; how long had it been since you’d felt him inside of you? How long had it been since his moans in your ear were not through the phone but in person as he pushed in deep and you could wrap your legs around him so he couldn’t leave you again?

“Baekhyun, take your pants off,” you said and his eyes dropped to watch your hands struggling to push at the waistband of his pants.

“Don't you want to know why I came home to you today?”

While you had been very curious for a moment when you heard the door code, you had to admit the question was lost in the fray. You felt caught suddenly; your hand reaching into his pants went still when he asked the question and you tilted your head in genuine wonder now.

“Because I couldn't breathe,” he said. “We were working...practicing hard for, I don't even know how many hours now and I had a missed call from you on my phone and you sounded...I don't know, you sounded just wrong.”

You recalled the phone call. You had been feeling particularly lonely today and you knew he wouldn’t be able to answer but you called him anyway; leaving a long voicemail message about your day. It was nothing really. You definitely weren’t calling him to make him come home to you today.

“And after that, I kept trying to breathe, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get enough air. I kept feeling like that, and I thought it would go away when I saw you, but you… you’re so fucking stubborn about these things, love. You have to let me take care of you the only way I can.

“It’s killing me that I can’t be here with you every hour of every day of every week. Do you know how much I crave you? How can my heart be settled if you don't even have anything to eat here? If you’re sad...or if you’re lonely, or if you’re angry at me for being away I want you to call me and fucking yell at me about it. Or call me and tell me to get home right this instant to kiss you, I’ll pretend like I broke my fucking leg, I don't care, I’ll make it happen.”

You watched the words flying from his lips. You watched the emotions flitting over his features as he spoke and you relaxed your hands around his pants, feeling rather silly for letting your desire get the better of you. When your hands slipped you felt something stiff in his pocket. Something square—a box of some kind and your curiosity piqued again as you ran your fingertips along the edge of it, over the fabric of his pants.

“What’s that?” Your intent was not to change the subject, more so that you had settled into this little mood with him now and the rush of the sex had faded some, bringing back just a touch of the playfulness you found within your soul for Byun Baekhyun.

“A gift,” he said calmly and he was shifting onto his butt so he could reach into his pocket for the small blue box. “For you. It’s very expensive. I spent a shitload of our money on this.”

You heard the challenge in his voice as he held on to the little box and lifted a single eyebrow. There wasn't a single trace of a smile on his lips as he spoke.

Honestly, this felt like a test. If you refused the gift, of course, he would be hurt. He bought it for you and you frowned your lips for a second as you considered.

Gifts were gifts. He loved you and liked to occasionally buy you things that caught his eye; reminded him of your face, or your lips, or your eyes. You even kept the weird keychain that he swore reminded him of your left pinky toe. Your jewelry box was honestly rather full of these sorts of things by now and while you had an idea that they were real and probably very expensive, he never mentioned the price until this moment.

You reached for it, quickly pulled the lid off and peered inside at the rows of round brilliant diamonds that lined the necklace, leading down to a pink teardrop stone that hung in the center. The box said Tiffany&Co. and you knew he wasn't exaggerating when he said it must have been very expensive. The diamonds in the chain alone had to be worth thousands, and the pink stone in the middle was at least in the double-digit carat size. It was too much. It was always too much from him, but he watched you like a hawk now that you had seen it. Waiting for some sort of a reaction.

“Baek—” you began as word flew through your mind.

This is beautiful, thank you.

This is too much. You should return it.

He was moving; pulling at the packaging inside that held the necklace in place and he held the chain with nimble fingers as he opened the delicate clasp that held it together.

“Wait…” you said, interrupting the man right before he closed it around your neck and he pulled back with his dark eyes on your face, “—what body part does this remind you of?”

At last...at fucking last, you saw the corners of his lips pull open and he flashed a lazy smile at you as his nostrils flared slightly with an inhale of breath.

He moved again, his hands pulling the necklace in place around your neck and leaning in close to close it. With him this close to you again you took advantage and shifted onto his lap, straddling him with your thighs on both sides of his.

It wasn’t lost on you that he didn't answer your question though, and you wiggled your hips back and forth over his lap with a whine. You heard a tiny giggle from his chest and he made a sound of disagreement from his throat.

“Come on, what is it?” You repeated and he dipped his head away from your searching eyes for a moment before he, at last, leaned in to whisper into your ear.

“What did I just suck on to make you cum on my face?”

Baekhyun had a way with surprises and this goddamn necklace that, now that you looked closely at the pink stone around your neck, kinda-sorta did look perhaps a bit like a clit. But hearing him make this sort of comparison sent a flood of blood rushing to your face and filled your chest with honest to god giggles that originated deep inside of you and bubbled forth from your lips.

Of course, he ate up your laughter. Baekhyun was, and always would be, a performer and his blinding smile he sent your way in response was enough to lift the storm clouds that had been following you around all day long.

“I can’t believe you,” you said between the giggles. “You really are a pervert sometimes.”

The wink before the kiss that claimed your laughing lips was a full agreement and he responded like he always did when you called him out.

“You love it,” he said and he was right. You did.

The end.

IGU Deleted Scenes Masterlist

[starryseo]

youtuber!changbin

omg i’m excited for this one bc it’s the loml

s e o  c h a n g b i n

enjoy :)

Chan | Woojin | Minho | CHANGBIN | Hyunjin | Jisung | Felix | Seungmin | Jeongin

introducing the one and only. . .

Changbin “I love dark” Seo!!!!

so, as you (probably) already know

he has done lots of collabs with chan and jisung under 3racha

that’s how he met the rest tbh; chan messaged him and jisung both for a 3-person collab and then he stuck with them bc they made some bombass tracks

and he also manages the joint StrayKids youtube account where their gameplays are posted

he has too much time on his hands

which is also why he posts a lot of diss tracks about the other guys

it’s all in good nature, no harm done

and his insults are the bEST

he’s actually a lyrical genius

and no one can hate him or what he says in his raps because

1) what he said is probably true

2) if you hate on it, he’ll come out with a second diss track that’s much worse

his tracks are usually about how chan is like the dad of the group

but everyone just uses him for his money (not in a mean way!!!!!)

or about how felix is desperate for changbin’s love but it’s unrequited (he’s still salty about the forced kiss ok, give him time pls)

he hasn’t made a diss track about jeongin though because the boy is too precious okay no one can say anything bad about him except jyp but hes a snake so screw him

you may be asking what changbin could’ve said about seugmin bc he’s also heckin’ precious but i’m afraid you’re gonna have to wait for seungmin’s one to find out ;)

jisung once hacked into changbin’s youtube account

hacked meaning he guessed changbin’s password (hint: it was ilovegyu<3)

and changed the profile picture to a screenshot he got from a video hyunjin took of changbin being dared to act cute

the video was vv cringey so jisung figured this was the perfect revenge for that diss track changbin made of him

and he also thought changbin needed a change from the pitch black profile pic he had up before

yeah, he loves dark thaaaaat much

as well as producing music and gaming

changbin also dabbles in skateboarding and a biiit of parkour

he does this with felix

(when he has a quick method of escaping felix’s wrath, he can tolerate time together)

his skateboard is. . .

you guessed it: black

probably has a skull or some other ‘scary’ design on the front too

but felix managed to notice a small sticker of a munchlax (the pokemon gyu is fyi) on the back too :) cutie :) 

changbin really loves skateboarding because he thinks it looks cool and goes well with his dark concept

but then he always ends up bumping into something because sometimes he pulls his cap too far down and so he can’t see very well

idiot

it’s really funny seeing him try to act nonchalant about tripping up

when everyone around saw

and felix videoed it and is laughing his ass off

changbin threatened to murder felix if he posted that video anywhere

and felix was like “;) good thing i haven’t posted it... i did send it to the SK group chat though”

bro felix was literally running away for his life and changbin was right behind him on his skateboard tryna run him over

that was not a good day to be felix tbfh

the parkour he does is usually quite simple (about as simple as parkour w/ a skateboard can get)

but he looks badass whilst doing it so it’s cool

his favourite move is when he rides perpendicular to a rail and so the board goes under the rail and he jumps over the rail

it took a while to perfect the landing but he was really determined and now he’s mastered it i’m so proud of him

whenever he posts these videos he gets a lot of comments

because with his music & gaming videos his face usually isn’t seen

but with this, it is

so there are a lot of comments about him being b e a u t i f u l

the comment with the most likes was from jisung who was like “mr dark?? more like sunshine boy! :) keep up the great work i <3 your vids!!”

he was close to reporting that comment just so it would go away lmao salty

but instead he ranted to gyu like “sunshine boy? i’m not a sunshine boy, i’m a dark, dark man, right gyu?”

the group have a lot of hang-outs at his house (bc dude look at his house wtfffff it’s so shiny)

and his mum is the cutest!!! always giving them food as soon as they enter

she also LIVES to embarrass her child, poor changbin :(

constantly pulling his cheeks, giving him lil’ kisses and always calling him her “little prince” or some other equally cheesy variant

the guys lowkey thinks it’s cute and know she’s only doing this for fun, but they still use it as an opportunity to laugh at him

one time she whipped out the photo album with baby changbin pics and omg they’ve never seen changbin redder in the face than that day

no one knows if he was fuming or just really embarrassed lmao

what hurt the most was how jeongin - the baby of the group - was laughing and calling him a “cute baby”

and obviously hyunjin had to go “wow dude you were so cute, what happened to you??”

his mum, bless her soul, was like “he takes after his father that’s why”

#SavageSeoMama (this is where he gets inspiration for his diss tracks)

oKAY BACK TO GAMING!!!!

he mainly plays shooting games like battlefield, CoD and csgo with the guys

loves it when they play with just them in a local match, not online (mainly talking about CoD here)

because then he can put on friendly fire so that he can kill his team mates lmao

he’s a major kill scene stealer and proud - truly evil

the guys eventually kick him out of the lobby

only bringing him back once he’s apologised to them

to this day, he hasn’t apologised lmfao

when they kick him out he’ll just start playing online

because changbinnie don’t care 

he loves killing people’s hype

for instance, jisung will be cheering over the mic like “yay!! i got the last kill”

and changbin will just reply like “ok and?”

jisung: “wHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!?!?!? I <\3 YOU”

the real question is: how did jisung say “<\3″?

he kills his own hype too though

like when he gets the final kill and suavely goes “wow much skill”

and felix is like “yeah!! wow!!! that was so cool changbinnie!!!”

he’s just like “yeah it wasn’t that good, stop that”

sometimes when they’re all playing free-for-all

he’ll start singing his threats

like he’ll be two steps behind seungmin and just start lowly singing “seungmin, i’ve got your back~”

and like normally someone might interpret that to mean “dw bro i got your back, i’m protecting you, you’re covered”

but nah

changbin straight up stabbed seungmin in the back

seungmin felt that betrayal in his heart

so on the one hand he’s singing to people before he kills them which is heckin’ creepy

but on the other hand he has a beautiful voice so it’s not that bad???

but on the other, other hand (idk imagine 3 hands or smth) he’s technically being nice by giving them a heads-up before he kills them so

really

they should appreciate his kindness

:)

ok no i can’t defend him he’s too into these killing games

the only person he likes teaming up with is hyunjin and here’s why:

chan talks about strategy too much (dude all you gotta do is kill ok relax a bit)

woojin, as previously discussed, makes really bad rookie mistakes

minho gets too frantic when ambushed and just ends up dying without fighting back

jisung is too talkative

felix is also too talkative and is too risky (he’s literally jumped in front of changbin’s character dramatically like “I’ll save you!”. jeongin ended up killing the both of them together lmfao #DoubleKill)

seungmin just runs around in the middle of the battlefield with NO strategy

and jeongin is jeongin. he’s too precious for changbin’s lethality

so that leaves hyunjin. he’s the right amount of talk-y (yes that’s now a word), he has gr8 gameplays, he can handle a multiple-person attack AND he can be really frickin’ ruthless at times

gotta love that boi

felix is always fueled to kill hyunjin for stealing his man

but honestly changbin would rather just solo it because “i work alone, buddy” [sOMEONE GET MY REFERENCE PLS]

wow this has gotten rlly long soz

imma just end it here:

although changbin loves killing them in games and mocking them through his diss tracks

the guys know that they can trust him 100% and that he really, truly does have their backs (even seungmin’s)

and he’s always prepared to fight anyone that hates on any of the guys because only he can do that okay they’re his family and no one else can do that to them

he feels blessed to have them and whenever they come around to his house he’ll get lowkey sentimental bc wow, this is his family that bring a smile to his face everyday

and although he probably won’t admit it without jisung forcing him to, he really loves these guys and is glad to have met them

thank you for reading this far lmao hope you enjoyed it & feedback is always welcome!!

i saw some tag where someone talked about waiting for hyunjin’s one, and bc i’m doing this in age order he’s coming soon

and now just to playfully annoy them i wanna change the order

just kidding

ok not kidding i wanna change the order but i’m too lazy to since i’ve already planned it out

also!! is the desktop theme okay for everyone?? pls let me know of any improvements! :) thank youuuuuuuuuuu

[aquarianlights]

1-50, bitch. 💕

Oh. . . . .oh no. . . I asked for this, didn’t I? WELP. HERE WE GO!

[I had a LOT of fun with everything that I got to put pictures and gifs into. Especially the aesthetic one. Holy wow. I’d love to see if anyone else has similar aesthetics to me???]

Putting this under a read more because the length of this is gonna be ridiculous.

1. Have you met your soul mate?

Yes. I’m responding to her right now in this ask. (: I’ve also met my two platonic soul mates, as well.

2. Favorite color when you were younger, and now?

I would like to say clear and cerulean were tied, but no one ever thinks of clear as a colour so. . .doin’ a frustrate. Now, it would be clear and electric ocean blue. Like the one colour in my hair that I will never be able to replicate.

That one. Electric ocean blue.

3. Do you wear eye-shadow? What color?

I do. VERY rarely, but I do. Normally, it’s blue or some form of cool colour. Sometimes I do a blue and purple ombre fade. But, uh, recently I’ve been doing warm colours and it looks very, uh. . .strange. I’ve been going for a more subtle look so that it’s not as noticeable when I *do* wear makeup. I’ve been trying to get as close to skin tone as possible while still making it a little darker to distinctly be eye shadow. I’ve been wearing this, uh. . .kind of burnt orange, sort of red eye shadow, I guess you could say? It doesn’t look *bad* on me, but I’m not a huge fan of it, either. I’m just trying to look more professional lately and that means toning it down on the make-up on the rare occasion I do wear any. I am enjoying getting in touch with my professional side and developing him since he doesn’t really exist, but it’s been difficult. Thankfully, there’s quite a few seminars in my vet tech school about professionalism. I’m sure there will be more in pre-med.

4. Are you in love right now?

I am, indeed. I’m answering this ask from her. :) I’ve been in love with her for quite some time, I’d say.

5. In your opinion, is love at first sight real?

I would have to say probably not. Lust at first sight is real. Love? Nahhhhh, I’m not sure I’m a believer. Haha. I feel like I fell in love with Tiffy at first sight. . .but I didn’t even actually “see” her, since we met online. I have never fell in love at first sight. I have thought I have, but I was wrong. I did fall in love with Tiffy not but shortly after meeting her. But she was really the only one, tbh.

6. Are you an optimist, realist, opportunist, or pessimist?

I am a pragmatist. I’d have to say, out of these, a realist. I would like to be an opportunist, though. I do not think I am, but it’s possible that I am. Not entirely sure, though. I need to be to get through med school and I need to be until I get well established in my career path. Hmm, how does one condition oneself to be an opportunist? I guess it helps that I am not a pessimist or an optimist already. I am a scientist through and through so I only listen to the facts. I only relay the facts. I only see the facts. I only believe in the facts. Looking at it positively or negatively doesn’t do anyone any good. Things are just as they are and that’s that. No use being positive or negative about it. So I suppose it helps to be a pragmatist when you want to condition yourself to be an opportunist, yeah?

7. First kiss details? (If you haven’t been kissed, reply how and if you would like to be.)

I feel like I have told this one before! I’m gonna get the details differently this time, though, because specifics are always missing from my mind as the memory ages and this was a LONG fucking time ago.

I don’t know which one counts as my first real one. The one in, like, kindergarten where a boy and I kissed because of a grass eating tournament and a playground thing? [Don’t ask. Lol.]

Or the one in 5th grade. I’m pretty sure everyone would say the one in 5th grade. It involved me, my friend, a boy and his friend. We all excused ourselves to go to the bathroom one by one which was no easy feat in a private catholic school. We met up at the designated spot in one of the back side hallways out of the ways of the camera. We had our two friends with us because we wanted to have them as witnesses that we would be the first ones in our class to kiss. But we were super nervous for some reason. And they ended up pushing us together. And we basically just pecked lips and that was that. . .LMAO. We were all super giddy after that. We then had to all sneak back to the classroom one by one at weird intervals to make it look normal. I’m sure the teacher knew something was up, but back then, we felt like the sneakiest kids alive and we thought we hadn’t gotten caught with anything. Pffft.

8. Do you own stickers, an stationary?

Oh my god, DO I?! HAHAHA. THESE ARE ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS I COLLECT! My door was COVERED from top to bottom in stickers growing up and it was my prized possession because it was my sticker collection. I put every sticker I had on that door. So when we moved. . .I had my parents take the fucking door with us. . .It’s literally outside of my old room in the basement at my parents house. The entire fucking door with all those stickers on it. HAHA. Know what I miss? Bowling alley stickers. UGH. The ONE AND ONLY THING my father used to do with me as a kid was bring me to the bowling alley and I would ALWAYS get stickers. And those bowling alley french fries were my favourite things on the entire planet and I haven’t had them since I was a kid and I would literally fucking kill a man to taste those again. . .but the bowling alley that I was in when I was a little kid back in the 90′s where I got all those stickers and got the most amazing french fries in the entire world burned down before we moved. :/ And yes I also collect stationary. I have a ridiculous amount of stationary. Hah.

9. What’s your aesthetic?

I have way too many aesthetics. Yeesh. . .Uhhhhhh. . .lessee.

Okay, I’m gonna stop, but DEAR GOD THAT WAS THE MOST FUN I HAVE EVER HAD ANSWERING A QUESTION AND I HONEST-TO-GOD THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE ANNOYING!

Also, that last picture. . .I saved it to my computer from someone. I don’t know the credit to the photographer. If someone can find the credit, tell me and I will add it in. It’s from one of the autumn blogs I follow. But that photograph evoked so much emotion in me and I have *never* had to stop and stare at a photograph for so long. That photograph would be something I would like to buy and hang as an original print in my house. That is something I could not help but save because it is my *EXACT*.... Idk how to explain. Every single thing about that picture evokes pure happiness in me. That time of day when the sun is going down and lighting is bathing you in that little bit of warm orange Halloween themed glow as it starts to get freezing at night. . .you can literally see how nice and cool and crisp the air is and how absolutely perfect the weather is. . .how the leaves are falling and crunchy. . .It’s perfect because it’s not in a forest so you’re not trapped in nature, but there are trees everywhere and there is that nice brick layout. . .what looks like shops or a campus of some sort. . .benches, a place to sit with your love [Tiffy, oh my GOD]...those street lamps are very literally perfect. . .the shade is wonderful. . .I cannot even begin to explain the emotion of happiness this evokes. I cannot explain it in any other word. Joy does not fit. Euphoria does not fit. It’s literally “Happiness”. That is what this picture is. “Happiness”. Bring me into that picture and I would feel full and gleeful and warm and filled to the brim with energy and contentedness and I would be able to forget all of my worries and all of my stress would melt away and all of my responsibilities would either fall to the wayside or just not seem so daunting or urgent anymore. . .time would slow down. . .my body would feel lighter and healthier. . .my mind would be clearer. . .That is basically what I need to be happy.

10. Do you wear dresses, and skirts?

No, I do not. I used to enjoy wearing them and I still like the idea of wearing them, but now every time I put one on, it feels horribly dysphoric and hurts me. I’m sure when I fully transition, I will feel a lot more comfortable wearing both.

11. What is your hair like?

Uhhh. . .blonde with white streaks in it now (just bleached it today and put white toner in the bleach). It’s incredibly soft and fluffy. Obviously more brittle than someone who has never used product on their hair ever, but for someone who has been bleaching their hair every few months and dyeing their hair practically every month since they were 13 (and are now 26)? My hair is stupid soft and fluffy. Imagine a soft, fluffy cat. . .just. . .a giant furry ball of cat. . .Pet that. . .you have my hair. And, also yes, that is an invitation to pet me. I absolutely love being pet.

12. Does time go by fast or slow to you?

Usually slow.

13. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?

On the rare occasion that I go to sleep at all, I end up sleeping around 2-4am. And honestly anywhere from 6am-10am is a fair time for me to wake up, but that’s gonna have to stop coz classes are starting in 2 DAYS GAH!!!! And my first class starts at 11am, which means I gotta be up and ready by 10, at least, on my first few weeks! GAH.

14. Favorite sweet food?

Is this even a question??? Chocolate, of course! Every kind of chocolate! I’m not too fond of white chocolate, which is ironic, because white chocolate used to be my favourite kind growing up. Now dark chocolate is my favourite and I used to absolutely hate dark chocolate growing up.

15. Tea, coffee, or hot cocoa?

Tea! Specifically, green tea! I love citrus infused green tea, but I’ll take any sort of green tea. :)

16. Space, Ocean, City, or Forest?

[Answered.]

17. Favorite game as a child?

I, uh. . .well, Pokemon Stadium was one. Then there was, uh. . .Trivial Pursuit was my favourite board game. And then my friends and I played a really fucking weird game when we were really young. We had a bunch of McDonald’s plastic toys (like. . the food and drinks) and we had a pool at my house with a jacuzzi that had a waterfall. One of us would stay up in the jacuzzi and hold ourselves up with our arms over the waterfall (which was hard to do because we were so young and so short) and then the others of us would get on one of those floaty mat things and we would go through the “drive thru” and “order” and it would be like.... adulting and we’d pay with plastic money. LMAO. And then there was uh. . .being dogs. There is that mush stuff from Oliver & Company, yeah? This stuff?

Well, it just looked SO GODDAMN DELICIOUS when he ate it all the fucking time that we decided to make our own. We made ours out of yogurt and put chocolate chips in it. It was SO fucking good!!! And we would put yourselves in a cage and put our yogurt with chocolate chips in a bowl and eat it like that.

And then there was the game when I had two trampolines but one trampoline was falling apart and had half of it undone because the springs were broken. We asked my parents to keep it up. We were still little here, too. We pulled the trampolines together with a small gap between them and we would pretend to be lions from The Lion King and The Lion King II: Simba’s Pride and we would have to jump back and forth on all fours while chasing each other. SURPRISINGLY. . .no one ever got hurt. Idk how the fuck we managed that. I guess we were all pretty adept at trampolines since we were on them literally every single day.

There was also the bike riding game where we pretended we were secret agents chasing down a bad guy. One of us would play the bad guy and the others would play the FBI agents.

There were a LOT. . .lmao. I wish I could remember the one that my next door neighbour and I used to play where we would go through all the really jungle-esque parts of the yard and explore and act like we were tour guides or something. I don’t remember what that one was about, but it involved climbing trees and I cannot tell you how many times I have had the wind knocked out of me from falling out of the super tall tree in the front yard of the house I grew up in. Getting the wind knocked out of you is the worst fucking feeling in the entire world. I wonder if that’s what bronchospasms feel like. I wonder if getting the wind knocked out of you *IS* a bronchospasm. Yikes.

18. Comfort book?

1984 by George OrwellDivergent by Veronica RothThe Monument 14 series by Emmy LaybourneCarve The Mark by Veronica RothThe Quarantine series by Lex Thomasand finally, my all-time favourite and my #1 go-to:Blind Evil by Eric Praschan 😍😍😍😍😍😻😻😻😻😻

19. Princess, Fairy, Mermaid, or Unicorn?

[Answered.]

20. Do you fall in love easily?

Not particularly, no. I fall in lust easily. Not in a sexual way. . .but in a romantic lust way. Like a “Damn, I wish I could just date that girl for fun for a very short while or bring her home with me and cuddle and watch movies all night and talk until the sun comes up and kiss each other a few times and get to know each other and trace each other’s collar bones and gaze into each other’s eyes and talk about super deep stuff and then kiss deeply and passionately in the morning and watch the sunrise together and go out for a romantic breakfast together . .and then just never see each other again after it’s over.” A romantic one-night stand basically. That’s what I’m in the market for. Lol. Except. . .everyone wants sexual one-night stands. Ugh. Lol.

21. Favorite word?

Echo.

22. Describe your life in 3 words.

Chaotic, Impulsive, Passionate.

23. Do you dance? Slow dance?

Slow dance? God, no. Do I dance? I have taken so many dance lessons, it’s ridiculous. Tap dance, Irish step dance, jazz, ballet. . .I want to take modern precision dance classes, but I can’t overwork myself until a PT clears me. And I’m also at that inbetween stage where I’m not fat enough to join an overweight dance class so I get rejected from those and I’m not skinny enough to join a normal dance class, so I get rejected from those, too. So I don’t have any classes I can go to. :|

24. Do you wear fake nails, or paint your nails?

Both, actually! My nails are painted right now, but it’s coming off. Took me absolutely forever to paint them. Gosh. I love wearing fakes, too, but they never fucking stay on unless I get them done at a salon, which I have only done twice in my life. And, frankly, I fucking LOVE getting manicures!! I LOVE getting acrylics! I LOVE getting long, sparkly, glittery, rounded claws! I mean, for fucks sake, did you see my last mani??? Fuck, lemme find it. It was GORGEOUS.

UH YESSSS! Not to mention, whenever I get a mani and have gel acrylics on, I don’t rip my fucking nails down past where my finger tip is so that it starts gushing blood like I normally do. And I don’t start ripping off hang nails left and right or picking at the skin between the nail and the finger on the side and intentionally ripping bits of flesh off and making myself bleed and ripping my finger raw. It’s awful and it hurts SOOOOO much and it’s terribly embarrassing to start randomly gushing blood in public and have to find something to try to make it stop as quickly as you can. Lol.

25. Has anyone ever confessed to you?

If you haven’t had at least ONE (1) PERSON CONFESS TO YOU BY NOW, I’m gonna assume you’re a fucking 5 year old. Like jesus christ. How is this even a question. Haha. Everyone has people that confess to them. Easily. Every. One. There is not a soul on tumblr that can honestly say “no” to this question. Not a single person. My number? I stopped counting years ago because it was getting ridiculously high both online and irl. Couldn’t do it anymore. I have no idea how many people have confessed by now, tbh.

26. Do you lie?

The second a cop puts his lights on behind me, I go right into acting mode. I will lie to *ANY* authority figure, but cops are the one special party that get singled out for me to lie to no matter what situation we are in. Fucking pricks. If you know me, then you know I have a problem with being too honest, though. Like, *wayyyyy* too honest. Honest to a horrible fault. So for me to lie to people is *extremely hard*. But I do it to authority figures because they deserve it. Especially cops. If I am genuinely at fault and the thing I did was bad and another person or animal would suffer at my expense if I were to not be honest, then I will just be my normal self. But if it’s ANY other situation with an authority figure, the fake, lying Killian will come out to play.

27. What makes you smile?

A lot of things. Tiffy makes me smile, Echo makes me smile nonstop, dogs make me smile, very specific comedy shoes make me smile, friends make me smile, people who show they care about me genuinely make me smile, getting hit on makes me smile, being invited places makes me smile, getting to go out and do things makes me smile, getting an A on a test makes me smile, getting good achievements that I’m proud of make me smile, being in the middle of the ocean makes me smile, WINTER makes me smile, cold weather makes me smile, Christmas makes me smile, the atmosphere of Fall around Halloween makes me smile, having BIG get togethers with a ton of mutual friends makes me smile, going on road trips with people makes me smile, movie dates with friends makes me smile, having people treat me as if I were legitimately their sibling by blood makes me smile, foxes make me smile, animals in general make me smile. . .I could go on for quite a while.

28. Have you ever cried in a book or movie?

[Answered.]

29. When and who was your first crush?

I honestly have absolutely no idea and no point of reference to even attempt to think back on it to really try to figure it out. I have no idea what period of my life my first crush came about. . .I have no idea how old I was. . .I have no idea if I recognized them as a crush or not. . .So many questions that I can’t answer, honestly. I haven’t a clue. Don’t get me wrong, I’d really like to know because now I’m curious, but I have absolutely no recollection of most of my crushes, nevertheless my very first one. I’m 26. I’m old. You can’t expect me to remember that far back, yeah? Lolololol.

30. Marriage or kids?

OH DEAR GOD PLEASE NOOOOOOOO. I WOULD RATHER BE EATEN ALIVE BY ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

I mean, marriage. . .the only person I’d ever consider marriage to would be you, Tiffy. That’s it. I see marriage as a trap and a lifelong ball and chain that I don’t EVER want to be caught in. I want to be married to my career in medicine. Any kind of marriage (or relationship) I would have in life would hold me back from my studies. I don’t think I’m really going to be getting romantically involved with anyone else because of how much that will interfere with my career, which is my priority in life. Hell, I’m not even going to be having any more pets after Echo is gone because it would be animal abuse for me, as a trauma surgeon or any kind of surgeon or even as an ER doctor, to live with friends/roommates and own a dog and never be there to take care of it. That’s cruelty to animals. Neglect that is bad enough to be abuse. And since I would only be in the market for adopting spitz dogs, they all need to be hyper-active and need constant affection and constant love or they will end up so stressed that they will chew through your fucking wall. They say pomeranians are good apartment dogs, well, uh. . .yeah, they’re great, but only if you’re there to give them enough attention and take them on walks and let the out to roam all the time and keep them entertained. Like any spitz dog.

As for kids? BRUHHHHHHHH. GOD NO I WOULD RATHER BE FUCKING IMPALED IN BOTH EYES THAN BE FORCED TO HAVE KIDS (which is the *ONLY* way I would ever own any). I would be the absolute worst father imaginable and as a boy who grew up in a neglectful and emotionally/mentally/verbally/physically abusive household, I would NEVER want to put that on any kid. I wouldn’t be purposefully abusive, but I sure as hell would be purposefully neglectful. I can *GUESS* that I would probably end up being accidentally verbally and mentally/emotionally abusive, as well, since I am an Aquarius and because I was raised with the values of not showing any sort of emotion ever. I speak in a monotone and I rarely show any emotion in my expressions and I try not to put any emotion in my verbal inflections. That’s not exactly great for a kid. And since I would absolutely hate and despise the thing every time I saw it, I probably WOULD have some negative inflection in my voice and they would probably pick up on the fact I only put emotion into my voice when talking to them. And that it’s all negative when I talk to them. I would brush off their problems as minor and act like their existence didn’t matter to me and I would treat them like the burden they would be.

Because kids would legitimately put my life on hold. And, I’m not sorry at all when I say FUCK THAT. I love my life and I love living for me and my friends and my dog. I love getting to live my life MOSTLY for me and I love being able to put myself first whenever I want (other than the fact that my dog comes first no matter what, but that is something I quite love doing because he is my fluffy baby and he is my #1 bae and he is my priority of all priorities) and I quite enjoy being able to take “me” days and being able to travel and move whenever I want. I enjoy having my finances be MY OWN and not having to waste them on some fucking moocher. And, frankly, to have the responsibility of having to financially support a human being for 18 years and probably more than that nowadays is VERY unappealing and makes me panic because, hell, if I struggle to provide for myself and usually only have a year or so inbetween those years of struggling where it’s okay for me financially. . .how the FUCK am I expected to buy MORE things??? All these bitches in my age group are having kids and they make either as much or LESS than me. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?! The answer to “When is the right time to have a baby?” is “When you KNOW with absolute certainty that you can fucking afford it, you morons.” It’s one thing if a mother accidentally gets knocked up and is blocked from aborting it for some reason (not by religion or whatever, coz that’s just irresponsible and immature, but like. . .by the law, by health reasons, by personal safety reasons, by financial reasons, etc. . .), then alright, I see why you’re having a kid at my age when you most definitely cannot afford the thing. But as for the rest of them? Fuck these irresponsible bitches. Good god.

Not to mention, I am 200% against breeders and spawning in general, because it’s just not environmentally friendly at all. And I hate breeders with a passion because there’s absolutely no reason to bring children into a world that is riddled by an overpopulation issue when there’s PLENTY of children in literal NEED of homes EVERYWHERE. It fucking kills me to see people breeding and spawning. Absolutely fucking kills me with how selfish people can be.

I also just wish the entirety of the human race would die out, so it’d also be nice if everyone could just uh. . .go infertile or something, but y’know. . .that’s wishful thinking that will probably never happen. Lol.

But dear god if I ever am forced into having kids, I seriously feel very sorry for the kid and it would be in the kids best interest for me to give it up the second it’s alive. I’mma pass that thing off to the nearest orphanage and make sure that someone who WANTS it and who can actually provide for it and actually love it gets it instead of me who would make its life hell and be a horrible father. I would want the thing to have a good life. I want all kids to have good lives. We need them to grow up into good people. They’re our future. Not to mention, human beings in general just deserve to have good lives, kids included. But uh. . .I know my own personal limits, I know my own personal faults, I know my own personal prejudices and biases. I would never knowingly harm another with them by forcing someone to live at the expense of my faults and my limits and my prejudices and biases. Never. I’m a very self-aware person and I’ll be damned if I don’t use that to everyone’s advantage. People who are not self-aware really piss me off because it’s like my god you’re HOW old and you still haven’t learned how to, y’know, read yourself? Grow the fuck up. Jesus christ. But. . .I mean. . .anyways. . .

Dear GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. KILL ME BEFORE YOU MAKE ME DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS. JUST PUT ME DOWN, GODDAMNIT.

31. Are you superstitious?

[Answered.]

32. Who’s your 3 am thought?

Usually it is Tiffy. If it is someone else, then Tiffy is always included. Also, Echo is always included, too. And sometimes my mom. I know this is supposed to be sexual or romantic or something and have some sort of implied “wink wink” meaning, but it doesn’t for me. Nothing ever does. It’s all straight, pragmatic, scientific fact for me. This is, too. It’s just the way it is. Usually always Tiffy and Echo, sometimes exes, sometimes people I’m missing, sometimes my mom. . .recently my grandparents a lot because, y’know, they are dying. Idk.

33. Do you like candy? What’s your favorite candy?

[Answered.]

34. Favorite holiday?

Christmas!!! Hands down! If anyone is reading this and is surprised by this answer or just didn’t know this, then WOW you have never actually met me and you JUST followed me and came upon my blog for the very first time, didn’t’cha? HAHA. YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW PASSIONATE I AM ABOUT CHRISTMAS. DO YOU ALL KNOW HOW MANY YEAR ROUND CHRISTMAS BLOGS I FOLLOW JUST SO I CAN KEEP MY SEASONAL DEPRESSION AT BAY DURING THE SUMMER AND FORCE MYSELF TO THINK OF MY HAPPIEST SEASON WHERE I JUST LITERALLY CANNOT BE UNHAPPY: WINTER AND THE HOLIDAY OF CHRISTMAS! You watch, now. You’ll start to notice that I post Christmas things and winter things year round.

35. Favorite season?

Just kinda answered that, uh. . .if you didn’t catch that, it’s hands down WINTER!

36. Cat or dog person?

Dog. I enjoy cats and a lot of people who meet me for the first time see my tattoos which are ALL cat based except for my wrist tattoo and think I’m a cat person and would never be a dog person, but uh. . . HAHA. SURPRISE! DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW DOG-OBSESSED I HAVE BEEN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!? PFFFT. I really don’t know why all of my tattoos have been cat-based so far. I know why my half sleeve is rainbow leopard print. . .but everything else could have been done with foxes, which are my favourite animals, or pomeranians or dogs in general or anything else. But, no, they all ended up being cats. Fucking weird lmao. Especially since I am SO hyper-obsessed with dogs.

37. Are you quiet or loud?

Both, it just depends on what I’m talking about and/or what I’m doing, honestly. I guess I would say I’m generally more quiet than loud, but I definitely do have my loud moments. When I’m talking about things I’m passionate about or when I’m laughing, I’m generally being very loud. I don’t seem to know how to laugh quietly anymore which is odd because in the past, my entire life, I have done nothing but be quiet as a mouse in order to avoid being yelled at and hit and beat and locked up by my parents. NOW. . .I am loud as fuck when I laugh and I can’t seem to tone it down. It’s awful. Lol. And uh. . .when someone tries to talk over me or when someone tries to cut me off or when people are ignoring me. . .I tend to talk REALLY LOUDLY. Like, I will not stand for being ignored and not listened to. I just won’t. I will FORCE myself to be the center of attention, even if I am in a large group. Does not fucking matter how loud and rambunctious I need to get. It’s harder now that I have physical issues now. . .with fibro and ehlers danlos. I don’t have the relentless, stubborn energy I used to have. . .but,. . .I try. I try very hard to act like my normal self and force myself into being the center of attention when people are ignoring me to make sure everyone knows they cannot ignore me even though I just don’t have enough energy anymore. But overall? I’d say I’m quiet. I’m someone who I can be walking and you won’t even hear me come up behind you or enter a room. When I’m at home, I tend to be quiet and monotone. That’s generally where I am most comfortable. Raising my voice for no reason is just. . .uh. . .??? I don’t see a logical point in straining my vocal cords for no reason. Haha.

38. Favorite time period? (80′s, 60′s, etc.)

[Answered.]

39. Favorite fashion fad that went away?

[Answered.]

40. The best dream/ worst nightmare you’ve ever had?

Honestly, I cannot remember either one.

My worst nightmares always involve Echo dying. I know that much. Because that’s literally the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I don’t know what my best dreams involve. Uh. . .no clue.

41. Worst fear as a kid? 

Getting an F, being fearful of what is *in* the dark (not being scared of the dark itself like most people, but being scared of what lurks in the dark), spiders, my mom dying, being disowned, and the paranormal are the things I remember being the most prominent.

44. Do you flirt?

Absolutely! But only to people I find attractive and mentally stimulating.

45. What’s your style?

I love being more casual professional than anything, but I don’t really have the money to get the style I want. Nor do I live in the climate where I can layer. Fuck the LA heat. My winter fashion game is so on point, but literally FUCK everything about summer, but the fashion is the absolute worst. Like, you may as well just not wear anything since wearing even a loose piece of fabric over your body will result in you dying of heat stroke. Oh, you may as well rip all of your skin off, too. Coz that will give you heat stroke, too. But, er, casual professional is my preferred style. I also like professional, too. Can I afford either? Absolutely not. What do I normally wear? Just generally fashionable things that lean a little more towards punk, unfortunately. I definitely hate it and my style is holding me back. Well. . .my finances are holding me back more than anything. I don’t have the finances to get the style that will help me succeed in life, so I’m stuck looking like a little fucking KID. It’s awful. I hate being poor so goddamn much. Sigh. Always have, always will.

46. Do you blush?

[Answered.]

47. Do you feel everything, nothing, or you don’t know what to feel?

I have borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder almost never experience the latter two because they’re always busy experiencing everything. . .but never at once. We experience one solid thing with such extreme passion that it’s just. . . Idk how to explain. People with BPD are at 100% all the time. There is never a 0% down time or a 50/50 time, like people with bipolar get. It is always 100% this or 100% that, so on and so forth. Our mood swings don’t consist of hot and cold. They consist of boiling and boiling. . .just boiling two different liquids, basically. Nothing we experience is without passion. And nothing we experience is at less than 100% or coinciding with any other emotion. If we are happy, then we are euphoric. If we are sad, then we are suicidal. If we are angry, we get borderline homicidal. But none of those are ever experienced at the same time, ya feel? So the answer to this question is a tough one for people with borderline because we actually don’t fall under any of those three categories. We experience a passionate one single thing and then have severe mood swings to a passionate form of something else that could be similar or totally opposite. You just never know. WE never know. Having borderline is a fucking curse and that’s only the bare basics of it. Borderline is basically having the most extreme form of passion you could ever have. And, like they say, too much of anything isn’t good for you. Our passion is so intensely felt that it basically destroys our lives because having BPD also means that you are insatiably impulsive and that any impulsive and intrusive thought you get, you usually act on. And those impulses always coincide with the current passion thing we are feeling. And, no, there’s *never* a time where we are *not* feeling a passionate thing. It’s always 100 to 100. Never 50/50 or 0. That passion and impulsivity is the most destructive thing ever. And it gets seen as a great thing by the naked eye. I can’t tell you how many people who get to know me first say “Oh my god, I wish I were like you...You’re so spontaneous and carefree and you are just overflowing with passion for life. I would do anything to have those traits!” They don’t have any idea that, in normal people, those are great things. In borderline people, those are destructive traits that you can never turn off and are more exaggerated than most people’s traits and those traits tend to be the two main things that very literally destroy our lives and the lives of those involved in our lives. . .ripping our lives to shreds piece by piece.

48. Are you a crier? Do you smile?

Both, yes. To a horribly passionate extent. I’m either bawling and pulling my hair out and on the verge of dying. . .or I’m laughing so loudly that I will end up seal laughing.

49. First love?

I wish I remembered, but I do not. If we are talking people. If not, then I fell in love with animals, veterinary medicine, and writing/drawing before I fell in love with anything else in life. Those were my first passions in life and what I wanted to do with my life when I became an adult.

50. Last love?

I guess that award would have to go to Tiffy since I love her right now and she is the *only* one that I am in love with right now. If we aren’t talking about people, then it would be Echo and human medicine. My passions lie there and think they will end there for the rest of my life until I die, too.

Oh my god. I think I did it. . .Did I do it?? It’s literally been over 2 days that I’ve had this tab open working on this off and on between other things. 

I DID IT!! FUCKING RIGHT! I ANSWERED ALL 50 QUESTIONS! GO, KILLIAN, GO! :D GOOD JOB, SELF!

Yeesh, that took a while. I really enjoyed doing this, though. That was fun!

...never begging for more questions on a questionnaire as long as that when Tiffy is around. I guess you could say Killian learned his lesson. . .

I love you, though. Thank you for this!! This made me smile. And was a lot of fun to fill out. I’m SO DONE NOW THOUGH YEET