#idk something really healing about seeing a cat who gets joy out of the same thing i loved as a little kid

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #404

“death doesn’t answer when i cried for help”

The person you had the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? I'd be fucking devastated. It wouldn't feel real. Is there something you’re happy about at the moment? A few things. I'm still on that high of my APAP mask working, like I'm actually getting some fucking quality sleep, and I think I'm noticing the effects of my TMS therapy finally, too. My PTSD has most notably been much more bearable, and my interests are beginning to spread again. Do you want someone dead? No. Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? I mean yeah, I think that's pretty normal, even for someone without my issues. Have you ever fed or taken care of a stray animal? Oh, many times. What is something you tend to worry about? My health and future. What is something you do that is unhealthy? Sit at the computer for way too long. I'm absolutely certain my vision is as poor as it is partially because of me endlessly staring at screens. What is something you do that is good for you? I'm not afraid to prioritize my mental health. What last caused you to force a smile? I was watching a Mark video for the first time in a while and was just reminded of how much I love and appreciate that moron. What was the last video game you played? Was it fun? Because you said "video" game, I guess I'll exclude computer ones, in which case I'm pretty sure it was Silent Hill 2. Given it's one of my all-time favorite games, of course I think it's fun. It's one hell of an emotional ride. What is something not many people know about you? The fact I was a dancer for many years would probably surprise people once they have a good idea of me and what I like. What word describes your basic style? Lazy, honestly. I dress for comfort, and given that's usually just pj pants and a tank top... yeah, I don't put much effort into my clothing when I'm going most places. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? She kinda beat around the bush, but yes. Have you ever wanted to kill yourself? On more than one occasion. If yes, what convinced you not to go through with it? Well, I did OD once, but on the other occasions, it was the fear of the unknown that deterred me. Have you ever rejected a guy, only to have him push the issue by asking “why?” and insisting that you just need to get to know him better? Omg no, thank god. I would NOT handle that well. Is there something that you believe everyone should do and you can’t believe that some people don’t do it (e.g., recycle or go to the dentist regularly)? I didn't know 'til a survey question asked it that there are people who don't brush their tongue when brushing their teeth. Like holy shit dude, there are SO many germs on your tongue, clean that shit. Regarding the last good choice (healthy choice, kind choice, selfless choice, etc.) you made, what was your real motivation behind it? Ummmm the nearest that comes to mind is I guess taking my meds? I mean I do that every single day, but it's still a healthy choice for me. The motivation was because I am very serious about doing what I can for my mental wellbeing. What is something that you have had to practice at to get the hang of it? If you can’t think of anything, that’s okay, what’s something you are currently practicing at and trying to master? I really can't think of something for the first half of the question, but I can tell you that right now I'm attempting to force a routine of applying a therapy technique called "opposite action" into my daily life, where you, well, do the exact opposite of what your depression tells you to not do. It is WAY harder than it sounds, but I'm doing it with reading 30 minutes a day! Have you ever gone to the store to buy something, like a video game, when it came out at midnight? Not to my recollection, no. Regarding the last novel you read, was there a romance included? If so, was it central to the plot? The last novel I finished, yes. It wasn't central to the plot. Have you ever done relaxation meditations or listened to relaxation guides or positive-thinking/healing recordings? No, except in therapy when different therapists wanted me to experiment with it during a session. They just don't work for me. Do you have any interests that are also often shared by children? Yeah. Those are the one I'm especially self-conscious about. there something that could be a solitary activity but you really only like to do it with other people (e.g., watching movies, playing video games, etc.)? Watching movies or TV. Are you satisfied with the interior design or decoration in your home? Or do you think it needs a total home makeover? A makeover would be nice... Is there something that you’d like to own but you can’t find it anywhere? If not, can you a remember a time when you wanted something? Did you ever end up finding it or did you eventually stop wanting it? OKAY SO I actually have seen this custom-made once long after deciding I wanted it, but it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. There's a location in the Silent Hill games called Heaven's Night, and I'd love love LOVE to commission someone to duplicate the neon pink sign of it to hang in my room. Hopefully one day I could still do it. Who makes you smile the most? Probably my cat, honestly. What piercings do you want/have? I've talked about the piercings I have, but I'll talk about those I want. My #1 is absolutely collarbone dermals, but as I've explained a billion times, I want to lose weight so the bones are more prominent for the sake of contrast; you can't really see my collarbones now, so I just think it'd look pretty dumb and random to just have random piercings somewhere around there with no dimension. I also want way more in my ears, dermals in my back dimples also once I've lost weight, my right nostril for the dozenth time (but this time I'll wear a hoop), and while I'd absolutely adore an undereye microdermal as well, it'd be pointless with glasses. :/ What's your favorite website? KM is my pride and joy and really feels like my online home, so despite using sites like YouTube more, that 'ole RP site has to be my fave. Do you own a fish tank with fish? No. I had fish bowls (AWFUL idea) as a kid, but never tanks Do you like the movie 300? Never seen it. Do you pop your knuckles? NOOOOOOOOOOO. I absolutely hate the sound. It makes me cringe and shiver. Do you have Photoshop? Yes. It comes in the Adobe CC photography bundle I have. Do you use tinypic or photobucket? I used Photobucket back in the day. Now I just upload to imgur. What’s your favourite song from the 1980s? You're talking to someone who adores classic rock/metal, haha. How about the 1990s? There are way too many songs to choose from. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? There was a poor fawn as roadkill on the highway recently. :/ Are you always available or online? Preeeetty much. Do you have dietary restrictions? Or do you just eat what you like? I can eat whatever. Do you prefer gold, silver or steel jewelry? Or no jewelry at all? Steel. I'm allergic to silver, and I think steel is more subtle than gold. Have you been binge-watching any shows lately? If so, what? No. If you dye your hair, do you do it yourself or go to a salon? I do it at a salon. If you have any, do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If they had a good reason, no. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid I did because I thought Mom was meaner to me than my siblings, lol. What’s the best physical feeling in the entire universe? ........... This question is a setup lmfao. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No. Have you done something new to your hair recently? No. It's been the same for quite a while. I wanna dye it badly. Do you have bad anxiety? If so, do you take any kind of medication for it? I'm diagnosed with generalized and social anxiety, so yeah. I take Klonopin once and day and Ativan as needed for attacks. One thing you’ve experienced that you thought you never would have? HA, the first thing to come to mind was being noticed by Mark by making a viral (in the community, anyway) gif of he and his doggy. I shit you not, I couldn't sleep for three days lmfao. What was the last thing someone said to you that kept repeating over & over in your head? That I gained fucking seven pounds in two months at my last doctor appointment. I wanted to scream. How often do you have late nights out? Never. I'm a homebody. If you could, would you work from home? Do you think that would make you more or less productive? No. It would absolutely make me less productive. If you had the ability to change the weather, what would you change it to right now? Cool with a nice breeze, mostly clear skies, crisp air... That'd be nice right now. Is there something that you really need to do, but can’t seem to get motivated to do it? I say it all the time: finish decorating my room. It's funny, because I KNOW I'll feel more at home and cozy with my bedroom more personalized. Most disturbing movie you have ever seen? Paranormal Entity. The ending was... a lot. Has a life goal or dream ever come true for you yet? If yes, what is it? If no, do you think you’ll achieve it? Not that I can think of. .-. I hope I can achieve some... Have you ever had food poisoning? No, thank God. What are you listening to? "The Man Who Made a Monster" by Dance With the Dead. Do you think there will be a WWIII? I find it inevitable at some point down humanity's future. People are too hateful for it not to eventually. Has anyone ever asked you if you were emo? Yeah. Has someone ever liked you that you never thought would? Maybe? Idk. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Yes, in some instances. Has one of your friend’s boyfriends ever tried to cheat on them with you? Yes, when I was around 12. And I let it happen. It's one of my biggest regrets. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Of course it is. Emotional abuse can cut just as deep as some physical blows, or even deeper. Do you shop at Sephora for make-up? No. Zelda: Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I'm actually not into TLoZ. Do you own a rosary? I did as a kid growing up in a Catholic Sunday school. If you were homeless, how would you cope? If I had no loved ones in my life and no sign of things getting better, I'm honestly preeetty sure I'd end my life.

[bellamyblake]

Hi Iva! First of all I would like to say - thank you for loving Bellamy so much, it means so much to me to read your posts and feel the same love I have for him. The way I wholheartedly with your every word... about his tragic life, his immense love, everything. On the other hand, you must hurt a lot judging by myself - I honestly cannot stop crying multiple times a day. I do not know how to make the pain stop. I dont know how much more I can handle, its not getting better but actually worse p1

P2 when I think about in details about his life like you did – his life had no happy beginning, or middle, and certainly not the end. Maybe only as a baby boy before O was born. I don’t know how to deal with the fact the character that I genuinely believe had it the worst ended up with the worst possible ending as a reward for honestly trying to do better. Like if he at least experienced love and understanding from O or SOMETHING… but she never got to tell him sorry for beating him up,

P3 that now she understands what he did for her… I am gonna go crazy over this, honestly. I wanna stop crying and enjoy fanfiction with much better ending for him. Where should I find solace? Was his death at least quick, maybe he did not have time to think about what happened? Is there an afterlife where Aurora waited for him? Was that what I can hope for when Aurora was NEVER explained, she was not an alien so what was she? But he also sow Cadogan in the same scene and he was alive then?

P4 Should I watch 5x13 on loop to get in my head this was the ending? Should I teach myself to edit and do some manip for the ending? My only way of coping is seeing other people, blogs like yours that love him just as much. But I keep crying and feeling utterly miserable ☹I am 27 I never spend so much time loving any character (fun fact, It must be around 3 500 hours for me reading ff, watching the show and fan edits and tumblr posts). I know Bellamy will always and forever be the one beloved

P5 one beloved character of mine and no one will ever come close. Bellarke, the same – they were my OTP. The only one. I need to do something about this cause I am loosing my damn mind… I could handle almost anything, I would cry, yes, but I was absolutely sure of one thing - no matter their ending, sad or happy, in some sense they would do it together… and we got THAT. Does anything help you? I am so sorry for dumping this on you but reading your posts - its like hearing my soul.

Hello!

First of all thank you for the kind words and for enjoying my blog so much. 

I really do love Bellamy Blake a whole damn LOT. Like a damn LOT hah. I think that’s pretty obvious by the posts I make even if they’re not as many lately because I’m mentally not doing well right now. But that same love you feel, I feel it too and I’m glad I’m not alone in this.

I also get angry too and I cry a lot still about the way things ended. I also have not spent that much time in my life invested in a fictional character before so this is a lot for me as well and I get how you feel.

You asked me if something helps and for me it helps a lot to write you know? Be it meta or fanfiction, I indulge myself a lot in writing. 

It’s funny that even when I write fics I don’t write happy fics, you’d think that I’d make him absolutely happy in what I write but I don’t. But indulging yourself in a world of your creation with this character helps a lot. And it’s fun too, to do this, to build a world for him, a different one-be it with Clarke or with a family of his own or Idk just with anyone. Giving him love that he never had and joy he never felt. I think that helps me a lot and it helps me forget how he died and how much it hurts (I wanna say that even typing this makes me cry hah, so...).

I also like to rewatch some episodes that were more about him as a character and then meta in my head. That usually gets me sad too but it’s also exciting to think about some of the stuff that happened and dive in the psychologity of his character (which I do a lot) LOL. But that’s mostly painful. I don’t get many asks about him and meta stuff so I mostly do it in my head on my own and dive into the world of direction and how things were done and love making sense of them. 

Headcanons are something I love doing too though I haven’t written (or posted) much lately. In fact I haven’t posted anything lately because Idk...I’m not sure that sharing everything you create is good these days. people got so judgemental over time, the way actors and cast are threated is horrible but it extends to the entire fandom and its participants so it’s ugly and dark and horrible and I think stops a lot of people from posting gifs or fics or anything at all. But that’s another subject.

So yes writing helps me a lot. Reading fics helps me a lot. I’m not sure what the recipe is here because honestly I am in the same boat as you. I love this character more than anything and any other that I’ve loved and been in a fandom before so...this is hard for me too. And it’s fucked up. 

I also love making gifs for him though I don’t make anything good or special. Gifs I think can be lots of fun but also pain too-fun cause when you go to gif a moment you can rewatch half the episode (at least I do) and sad cause it can bring you some pain but at the end giffing is really Idk..rewarding. Except when people don’t reblog shit so that’s discouraging too hah.

I’m sorry I don’t mean to be a debbie downer.

To tell you the truth after years of being on here and in fandoms I realized this-I can create to soothe my soul from the pain, like from losing Bellamy but I don’t have to seek validation from people and post it. I can do it just to heal myself and not share it. When you share it what? You just get disappointed. That’s why I have 230 drafts. Half of them are unpublished headcanons. some of them are published fics with few readers or readers who yelled at me for writing sad stuff. the other half is stories i’ll never post. So I guess my advice is-

find something to get your hands on, to create, be it editing, giffing, writing, something to let the grief out, to soothe the wound inside you. and then you can decide if you want to share it or not. and even if you don’t it was inspired by the best character ever. 

He was loved, he deserved more, he did. But you can create worlds where he has more.

He can be held by his mom as a baby, he can be tucked in, he can be climbing up her leg and reaching for her arms, he can be cranky when he had his first tooth, or sad when he had to go to day care, he can be scared before his first exam and anxious as he grew up. He can be having nightmares and not sleeping when O was born, he can be terrified and feeling alone. He can have friends and be hugged and loved and have a first kiss, he can live in a house by the ocean with clarke with two beautiful kids and a dog and a cat for her cause she loves cats. Or he can be alone curled up in his bed just crying his grief away.

He can be anything that you wished for him, anywhere you wished for. 

Hope I helped some! 

[haaaaaaaarrrry]

1-155 and what's your opinion on feet?

1: Name::  Lucy2: Age::   203: 3 Fears::  birds, planes, men4: 3 things I love::  babies, Kit Kats, and feeling loved5: 4 turns on::  intelligence, kindness, an acoustic guitar, someone older6: 4 turns off::  immaturity, arrogance, being super loud?, right wing7: My best friend:: Lillian 8: Sexual orientation::  hetero9: My best first date::  I’ve never really been taken out on a first date 10: How tall am I:: 5′811: What do I miss::  not caring about my weight12: What time were I born::  my mom doesn’t even remember I'm her last kid and she was forty13: Favourite color::  pink is my signature color14: Do I have a crush::  yes and no15: Favourite quote::  “ho but make it fashion” Tyra Banks16: Favourite place::  my best friend’s presence17: Favourite food::  Mac and cheese18: Do I use sarcasm::  idk u tell me19: What am I listening to right now:: the winner of the 2018 AOTY Grammy Award: Divide20: First thing I notice in new person::  whether or not they’re nice21: Shoe size::  822: Eye color::  brown23: Hair color:: dark brown. just dyed it.24: Favourite style of clothing::  ho but fashion25: Ever done a prank call?::  loads of times27: Meaning behind my URL:: well Tenerife SEA but my name rhymes so Tenerife LU-sea was born but no one got it so Tenerife-lucy28: Favourite movie::  Dirty Dancing29: Favourite song:: of all time, Tiny Dancer. Currently, Happier.30: Favourite band:: GNR sun31: How I feel right now::  sad32: Someone I love::  my dad33: My current relationship status::  single as a Pringle m834: My relationship with my parents:: lovely35: Favourite holiday:: thanksgiving36: Tattoos and piercing I have::  nose and my pine tree37: Tattoos and piercing I want:: I don’t want any more piercings but I do want the word wild on my butt38: The reason I joined Tumblr::  does anyone actually know39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?::  I don’t know how he feels about me but ask my therapist40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?::  does my mom count41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?::  no42: When did I last hold hands?::  romantically? in December 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?:: too damn long44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?:: no lmao45: Where am I right now?::  a state of loneliness and self loathing46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?:: Nora 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? ::   loud48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? ::  no49: Am I excited for anything?::  October 6th binch50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?::  yes51: How often do I wear a fake smile?:: 88% of the time52: When was the last time I hugged someone?::  earlier today53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?::  I wouldn’t be alarmed54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?::  um I don’t really trust anyone except my parents so55: What is something I disliked about today?::  I messed up my nails right after I painted them56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?::  Singer Songwriter Edward Christopher Sheeran57: What do I think about most?::  my weight58: What’s my strangest talent?::  I can eat a lollipop with my toes59: Do I have any strange phobias?:: birds? is that strange60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?::  behind61: What was the last lie I told?::  I have no idea62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:: talking on the phone I don’t like to see myself63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? :: yes yes64: Do I believe in magic?:: duh65: Do I believe in luck?:: yeppers66: What's the weather like right now?::  cold as a witch’s teet67: What was the last book I've read?:: Madame Bovary68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?:: weirdly yes69: Do I have any nicknames?::  Lu, Luc, Lu-Bug, Lucyfer, edsheeran.daddy6970: What was the worst injury I've ever had?::  I hurt my back once and could hardly move71: Do I spend money or save it?::  spend 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?::  no73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?::  my blankie74: Favourite animal?:: cat cats75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?:: watching ANTM76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?::  Moore77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?:: One Call Away78: How can you win my heart?::  by being Ed Sheeran79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?::  here lies a dramatic hoe who loved y’all binches80: What is my favorite word? ::  actually. I say it all the time81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr @knox-on-eds-wood @weareedsobfg ((I'm cheating and grouping y’all all in one) @tea-and-toblerones @gay-romantics @lordedsheeran82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? :: she won the popular vote83: Do I have any relatives in jail?:: not that I know of84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?:: healing people85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?::  do you practice what you preach86: What is my current desktop picture?::  my baby niece87: Had sex?::  yah88: Bought condoms?::  yah89: Gotten pregnant?::  no90: Failed a class?::  no but almost91: Kissed a boy?::  yah92: Kissed a girl?::  no93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?::  yah94: Had job?:: ye had job95: Left the house without my wallet?::  who hasn’t96: Bullied someone on the internet?::  not unless you count repeatedly using the phrase daddy and grossing out @ownerandwriterofedsnnnnggghhhh and @purplelunarmoth97: Had sex in public?::  no98: Played on a sports team?::  MARCHING BAND IS A SPORT 99: Smoked weed?::  yah100: Did drugs?::  no101: Smoked cigarettes?::  no102: Drank alcohol?::  yah103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?::  I wish104: Been overweight?::  in my opinion105: Been underweight?::  in the doctor’s opinion106: Been to a wedding?::  bitch I been in three smh107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?::  this damn website108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?::  yah109: Been outside my home country?::  no110: Gotten my heart broken?::  yah111: Been to a professional sports game?::  surprisingly yes and I was horribly hungover112: Broken a bone?::  no113: Cut myself?::  not purposely114: Been to prom?::  twice and it was two of the worst nights of my life115: Been in airplane?::  god yes116: Fly by helicopter? ::  no I need Christian Grey lulz

117: What concerts have I been to? Cheetah Girls, Hannah Montana, Rascal Flatts, Metallica, Paramore, Amos Lee x3, Carole King and James Taylor, Mason Jennings, Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Guns N Roses, Keith Urban, I think that’s it

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?::  nah119: Learned another language?::  ugh I'm trying it’s so hard120: Wore make up?::   every damn day hoe121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?::  I feel attacked122: Had oral sex?::  I feel very attacked123: Dyed my hair?::  so many times124: Voted in a presidential election?::  yes125: Rode in an ambulance?::  yes126: Had a surgery?::  yes127: Met someone famous?::  yes128: Stalked someone on a social network?:: psshhh 129: Peed outside?:: peeing in bodies of water is one of the great joys of my life130: Been fishing?:: yah131: Helped with charity?:: yah132: Been rejected by a crush?:: indirectly and directly133: Broken a mirror?::  it was awful that’s why I'm cursed134: What do I want for birthday?::  a big booty hoe135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?::  I want probably three. Okay for a girl: Dixie Lee, Tennessee Lily, (she will go by Lily) for a boy: Bennie James (Jim) 136: Was I named after anyone? ::  a Sandra Bullock character137: Do I like my handwriting?::  sometimes 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?::  Full House139: Favourite Tv Show?::  The Office140: Where do I want to live when older?::  in a state of happiness141: Play any musical instrument?::  the piano142: One of my scars, how did I get it?::  I had surgery143: Favourite pizza toping?::  cheese or pepperoni144: Am I afraid of the dark?:: idk kinda145: Am I afraid of heights?::  yes 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?::  yes lmao147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?::  lol my life148: What I'm really bad at::  being a human149: What my greatest achievments are::  this horrible blog150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me::  can’t repeat it151: What I'd do if I won in a lottery::  give it all to charity after buying bomb ed tickets152: What do I like about myself::  I make other people happy153: My closest Tumblr friend:: um probably @knox-on-eds-wood or @tea-and-toblerones154: Something I fantasise about::  being a stay at home mom to Ed Sheeran’s baby155: Any question you'd like? I do not like them but don’t actively dislike them