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condemnthem · 4 years ago

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LUDO (MARS, PETER, ARNOLD, DAMIEN, WHATEVER ELSE ALT YOU’VE WHIPPED UP LATELY), THE OWNER OF ONE OF US:

it’s been a long time coming, and you know why it’s all come down to this. you’ve manipulated enough people during your time on roleplayer.me that i’m sure you thought you’d get away with it forever. well, it doesn’t work that way. you get what you give, and you’ve given enough grief to last a lifetime.

you’ve put people who once called you friend through hell, and now you get a taste of it. and i want to make this point very clear: i do not care about your sob story. i do not care about how much you’ve been hurt. i do not care about how you got to where you are today. none of what you can say excuses the absolute hell you’ve put others through. take accountability. apologize. do what you can to right your wrongs. the pain you’ve caused is YOUR responsibility. you can’t put this on anyone but yourself. you can’t expect to hurt so many people and not be held accountable for it.

this case was rather personal to me because ludo likes to use his personality disorder as a crutch and an excuse to get away with his nasty abuse. i have the same disorder. by using your personality disorder as an excuse, ludo, you are glorifying it because you are making it your escape route. this disorder is NOT to be used as a crutch. no disorder is. you use it as a crutch as if you aren’t in crutches because of this debilitating disorder. you’re the reason our disorder is looked upon with suspicion instead of understanding. you cannot use your disorder as any type of “please forgive me” card unless you are actively trying to get better. and you aren’t. because you think therapy is a farce.

before i go into the evidence i wanted to ask for testimonies from those who were hurt. i was given this:

“There are a few things that should be said before you take your time reading all this. This is a place of roleplay and to escape. Unfortunately, some people use the hobby incorrectly. You ruin and sabotage the experience for others. A good amount of the users on this site may have a lot going on away from the screen, some don’t. Those who struggle are the victims of these narcissistic tendencies. Their emotions get involved without their control. They try to be there for someone despite their own issues. Sometimes they even try to put that other person first, which causes them to break. Then, there are some of us that cannot be emotionally manipulated and that is when these mind games go wrong. That is when the manipulator becomes so little and they try to blame other issues in life for their shit behaviour.

This place does not, and I repeat - it does not give anyone the permission to attack and belittle others because you have difficulty having a voice in your real life. It does not give you the right to attack someone's real life, because you said it yourself that you feel like you have not done anything great in yours. Your real life problems, your conditions, there are no excuse for those who have been degraded by you. There are a lot of them, by the way. Those people you still accuse of having abandoned you despite you being convinced that you were good to them? None of these people have abandoned you. They cared. They had to leave because you tried to show some sort of superiority and belittled them as a person. You tried to control them in and out of roleplay. They got tired of your negativity and your toxic attitude towards life.

A penny for your thought - have a muse, be honest, but don’t ruin it for others. You cannot attack people and then expect them to be there for you. This place does not give you the right to manipulate others into a friendship that it is not wanted nor needed either. You cannot and should not hurt people's experiences by deceiving them. Something you still actively still do with the active alt in your own group who you introduced as your real life friend. Think about it - if you punch a stranger in the middle of the street would you expect them to reciprocate with an embrace or punch you right back?

You cannot excuse behaviour you have radiated off yourself for months, targeted people with disturbing words, with lies, deceived multiple people that would have stuck up for you, all because of what you may be going through in real life. All you did was show who you really are. There is roleplay, and there is real life. If that line between those two worlds are so thin and so blurry for you - then perhaps this is something for you to reconsider.”

now for the evidence.

i made an imgur album of all the evidence as well as my commentary, so if you want to read it on imgur, there it is. i’m going to post the evidence directly onto here as well, however, just in case.

to start out we have an e-mail sent to roleplayer.me admins (basic rundown of ludo's offenses:

(roleplayer.me admins have done nothing so if that doesn't tell you they don't give a single shit idk what would)

here is the member who was reportedly “kicked” from one of us peacefully pulling their role:

the other member reportedly “kicked” peacefully pulling their role:

and here is ludo manipulating the situation to make it sound non-peaceful:

and ludo lying in a bulletin saying said members were “kicked out”:

now we have ludo speaking about his alts. here he is admitting to having a freelance (non-affiliated account):

ludo admitting to being another “member” of one of us, mars:

ludo admitting to using mars just to lure another member into shipping with them:

one of ludo's alts:

ludo posting one of us promos on his alt:

proof of one of us promo:

another one of ludo’s alts:

now lets get into his harassment and toxic behavior. here we have him harassing another member (18 YEARS OLD) through instagram dms:

(his instagram is rather well known with many members and he likes to post his music to make his members listen to which is connected to his instagram)

this shows ludo mixing ooc with ic and straight up lying about another member:

here one of his targets of harassment expresses their fear of him possibly stalking them:

the group owner from another group ludo was in countering ludo’s claims to peacefully leaving said group (reminder, ludo is damien):

a conversation between the owner of said group above and ludo about his harassment and stalking, as well as him shittalking to manipulate other people into believing his narrative:

here ludo tries to act like the victim and gaslight the owner:

here is proof ludo makes his “enemies” into villains for one of us and portrays them in a negative light (the name he used is their real name, making this 10x worse):

explanation from an rp ex of ludo’s about the harassment they suffered:

the screenshot shown above:

ludo harassing an rp ex over instagram dms and displaying classic abusive behavior (reminder, he has his instagram rather public to his members):

"i can genuinely admit when i am wrong" implying their ex cannot. also gaslighting because he can't admit when he's wrong. this will be further highlighted through these instagram messages. "this does not mean that i take back anything i've said before, about how you've hurt me" contradicting himself when he said he can genuinely admit when he is wrong. "i thought our friendship was real... but evidently it wasn't the same for you" guilt trips. the rest i'm sure you can pick out on your own. it's all very obvious.

"we're no good for one another. you hurt me a lot and i hurt you a lot." not taking responsibility and instead pulling the "we are the same, you and i" trope to minimize his responsibility. also further guilting them by writing a song about how they "abused" them. description: "Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. Ask for help." (fun fact, i discovered this song before my birthday and related to it so much. it brought me to tears. fucked up it was used against someone in a moment of manipulation to make his target feel bad. peep the suicidal ideations in the lyrics)

ludo using an incident in their life against them:

"i miss you. also not like that matters" passive aggression and guilt trips.

gaslighting about spies. guilt trips. also admitting to using exes' names in his storylines.

more guilt trips. more gaslighting. more excuses for exhausting his partner.

projection: "you just have this mentality where you constantly deny that you've hurt people so you can feel better about yourself." gaslighting by trying to make their ex's friend sound like they would "throw [them] under the bus in a heart beat")

here ludo is guilting their ex friend from above on line for not spending enough time with them:

self deprecation used to manipulate them.

here is a diagram shown to me by one of ludo’s ex friends:

they further detail their testimony in this google doc and the text messages (between ludo and one of the members who pulled their role peacefully while ludo tried to say they were kicked) below will show you exactly what they mean:

using other peoples’ feelings to manipulate them:

dismissing the stress they are under with real life, gaslighting by saying they haven't done the effort when they are clearly burnt out. aggression:

guilt trips:

pushing them away. guilt trips. using others feelings to manipulate them. gaslighting by asking a clearly passive aggressive question and saying it's "genuine":

"i'm just relaying my personal frustrations" when he already has time and time again. let it go, damn. give them a break. stop being overbearing.

passive aggression. implying he means less to them when they are saying their friend put it into words they could understand.

blaming them coping with his abuse on them. that's like telling someone shouldn't retaliate to abuse because their retaliation is "hurtful" YOU DON'T GET TO TELL THE PEOPLE YOU ABUSE TO NOT RETALIATE AGAINST YOUR ABUSE.

twisting words. not taking responsibility for his lack of understanding and instead saying "what you said came off the wrong way". not their fault that you didn't get it.

this. THIS is what sent me. how DARE you use your mutual disorder as a way to guilt and manipulate. i have the same exact disorder as well and guess what? all THREE of us are different people. and don't say "change who i am" as if it's a BAD THING. YOU are the reason everyone leaves you. YOU are the reason no one wants to be around you. YOU are the reason you can't keep stable friendships. YOU DON'T GET TO FUCKING PULL THAT BULLSHIT. if you care for someone you will work on your goddamn self. you expect everyone else to change for you, but you can't do the same goddamn thing? IF YOU GAVE A SHIT YOU'D STOP THE BEHAVIOR THAT IS HURTING THE PEOPLE YOU CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT. FULL. FUCKING. STOP.

guilt trips. pity.

condescension. lose lose situation.

"IT WAS A JOOOOOOOOOKE" excuse. "but whatever. i hope whatever has you in a bad mood gets better and you feel better" passive aggression. pretending to care. fake comradery.

"you gaslight me" is a form of gaslighting, especially when there IS NO GASLIGHTING. this is also an example of projection. making them walk on eggshells.

"i'm willing to sort it out of you stop being defensive" punishment and reward. "i'm sorry IF..." not taking responsibility. "this was my response" ie: this is your fault i'm acting this way, when he is the abusive one. "you constantly use my natural reaction as your excuse for not being around..." YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR REACTIONS WHEN YOU ARE THE ABUSER. STOP HAVING THIS "this is me take it or leave it" ATTITUDE AND THEN WONDER WHY EVERYONE FUCKING LEAVES YOU.

gaslighting. trying to say they were not coming around BEFORE he started calling them a shit friend.

"we both act some type of way when we're hurt and you know it" gaslighting, using their mutual disorder against them. AGAIN. YOU (ludo), ME AND THEM ARE THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE WITH THE SAME DISORDER. stop acting like y'all the same goddamn PERSON. stop PROJECTING YOUR SHITTY ACTIONS ONTO OTHERS. "not even saying this to be a bitch" the "NO OFFENSE, BUUUUT" tactic to "lessen the blow" of the shitty thing he's about to say. USING OTHER PEOPLE AGAINST THEM, AGAIN.

"it's the only way i know how to be" THEN CHANGE IT. GET HELP. STOP USING YOUR DISORDER AS A WAY TO GET AWAY WITH SHIT. therapy isn't a con, you are.

and then, after he knows he has no control over people, he pesters.

an ex friend requested this be used at the end. i feel it sums up the feelings of everyone ludo has wronged quite well.

#roleplayer.me #rp.me #condemnthem

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well-hidden-hot-mess · 6 years ago

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me again

so it’s saturday morning and here i am laying in my bed, feeling so beyond physically exhausted and it’s so frustrating. to be fair, i didn’t fall asleep until late last night (like 3am late) so i’m not surprised i’m so dead but that doesn’t mean that my type a self is okay with feeling so useless. i know i set stupidly high expectations for myself but after being horizontal due to stupid vertigo and stuffing my face for a week or more, it’s just becoming even worse. yes i know there’s zero way i could be working out since i couldn’t even be upright for more than a minute without dying and i’m sure could’ve used the diet break but as always i just went off the deep end with my eating and regret all life decisions. i’m just frustrated AF with myself for doing that when i know how badly i want to get to my desired body and honestly more than that, how badly i want to feel good again in my skin. I don’t feel like myself when i’m this “fat” (which i know i still have a mostly flat stomach when i’m not eating shit and i’m not actually fat but i feel bulky and huge because of the fat on top of the muscle makes me look so much larger than i am and not in a good lean with muscle kinda way) and it’s so hard to like idk feel good in general when i don’t feel like myself. like when i’m on track and making progress i feel strong and on top of my shit and motivated and like i could take over the world. when i’m not, i feel like shit mentally and physically, zero motivation to workout or eat well, eat my feelings and make things worse, and just overall shit. a part of me is like i need to love myself at any weight and be more accepting of my body and honestly i am to a degree but i know that i could feel so much happier at the other weight. it’s not even about a number on the scale or 100% just about looks (a good amount is i’m not going to lie but it’s not 100%) but when i look good i feel a sense of pride and success and strength that makes me happy. it’s not oh i’ll only be happy when i’m leaner because i’ll be hotter or whatever, it’s what making progress and being consistent does for my mental health and less about the body at that point and that’s an added bonus. especially since the move is quickly approaching (i’ll get to that in a second), i don’t want to move to nashville feeling like shit about myself when i’m going to need all the mental strength in the world to deal with the move and being alone in a city where i know like one person kinda and not being so close to my mother and my family and my dog and jumping head first out of my comfort zone in every aspect of my life and finding a new job and all that. the last thing i need is to be super preoccupied about my body and feeling like shit when it’s my time to thrive and start a whole new life. plus i’m going to want to try all the restaurants and be social and go out with new friends and that’s going to include lots of country girl’s at Lukes and the nachos at Jason Aldeans aka lots of extra calories/weight. plus i might be working a job where i get to sit down all day so i’ll be less active on top of that so it’s a recipe for weight loss disaster. i want to get there in a body i’m proud of and don’t have to worry about so i can focus on the much more important parts of this whole new life experience. i’m going to do a separate post about my weight loss goals so i can look back at it when i need motivation and to remind myself why i’m doing this when all i want to do is quit because those moments are way too often right now and have been way too easy to fall into and i end up back to like 175lbs aka now. again, i know i’m going to have setbacks where i can’t workout because life happens or i’m going to go have those nachos or wings or whatever but i can’t let that and the fear of that control my life. i just want to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle where i don’t NEED to count macros and get to a body where i can maintain that relatively easy while still enjoying my life and all that it has to give. i’m tired of my body/fitness consuming my brain all the time and it being so strongly linked to my mental state. i just want to break free of the hold that it has on me and feel good in my body. now i know that also dealing with depression and anxiety and disordered eating habits/body image and lyme have a huge impact on my mental state and are all fighting against me but i’ve been letting that be my excuse more lately to not stick to my goals while claiming it’s “self care” when yes, some of it is but not to the extent that i’ve been taking it. it’s also not helpful having OCD/type a-ness and seeing everything as black and white, either on diet or falling completely off, working out hard and killing myself in the gym vs. laying in bed all day and not moving for 24, 48 hours. i’ve created this cycle of that for myself and i’m sick of it. i’m so ready to break free but i know right now with everything going on with packing and the move and all that is not the time to try to start a whole new lifestyle switch but i also know that’s also me using that as an excuse to stay the same. the annoying thing is that it’s not my conscious brain deciding that it’s okay to use that as an excuse, it’s a subconscious thing that i feel like i can’t control and it’s my own brain working against me in another way. i’m just struggling right now with my body image and mental health and i’m so tired of this whole cycle i’ve put myself in so many times. the highs just make the low points feel so much lower and i feel like they’re becoming more frequent and lasting longer. to be fair, i’ve also dealt with a lot the last few months health wise - really bad lower back pain, winter allergies, vertigo, having the cyst, having surgery to remove the cyst and the recovery time afterwards, lyme, pushing my body too hard after staying in the same .4lb range for 3 months and trying to push past that plateau, and more that i can’t think of right now. so like yes there were limiting factors but at the same time, they’re just excuses. did i need to stuff my face every day while i was home recovering from the different things? no. did i? yes. do i keep doing it over and over again even though i always regret it and feel like shit all around when i do it? yes. shit’s so frustrating. i just want a healthy relationship with my body/brain and food and exercise. like is that really too much to ask??

i know i said i was going to talk about the move but now i’m in a mood because i’m actually letting out my feelings and letting myself feel them which is hard when you’re so used to keeping them all in and having this facade of nothing bothers me, i have no feelings, i’m fine, this is fine, everything’s fine. the problem is that i have so much going on in my brain and my life that once i start typing and letting out a little bit, everything comes flying out and i don’t have the time or the energy to get through it all. like here’s just an off the top of my head list of things i need to vent about/need to work through:

the move - both the physical strain and the mental strain

work things - frustrations with the current and the terrifying thing of finding a new job when this one is all i’ve known for 6 years and i’m ripping my safety blanket out from under me and lighting it on fire pretty much

nashville - the move itself, starting over with friends, job, apartment, lifestyle, gym, being the new girl alone in a city with no close by support system, moving away from my family for the first time, dating in a new place

past love life - mistakes i’ve made/they’ve made that i won’t let myself let go of and let define me and just in general

current love life (or lack there of) - feeling alone/being alone, being scared to get back into dating especially in a new place after so long since i was too scared to do that in the city/area i’ve lived in forever, feeling like i’m too awkward to date and that i’m so messed up mentally and physically that i’m not good enough for anyone that i would want and that i’m going to die alone

future - uncertainty of a career, family of my own, success, being a self sufficient adult and not a financial burden on my mother

body image/relationship to food/etc. - pretty much this post but more deep and really pulling the deep dark thoughts out of places i didn’t know existed so i can deal with them

feeling hopeless that i’ll ever be successful in any category of my life - if i can’t even lose weight, why would i ever think i would be able to have a happy relationship/good career/good support group/etc

feeling lost and alone and like i’m screaming out for help to anyone who will listen but not wanting to be a burden on them or be vulnerable and let someone in and have them reject/hurt me or give up this facade of i don’t have feelings and i’m totally fine when i’m not at all

yeah so as we can see i’m all sorts of fucked up and i know that each one of those topics has like pages and pages of words and that’s just the initial post let alone the ones after when i start to actually deal with them vs just getting it out at first. so just thinking about that is overwhelming so i just don’t deal with anything and that’s how i got here in the first place so it’s just a lot. i eventually want to do more posts that are more edited and more helpful to others who go through the same shit but right now all i can do is just word vomit and i know i won’t be of any help to anyone because i’m still going through it and have no idea on how to fix this so it would be the blind leading the blind but they’re both like blackout drunk and stumbling around lol. i feel like the scene from mean girls where the girl is like “i just have a lot of feelings” and i feel like everyone else is damian going “she doesn’t even go here” because i feel so alone and like different than everyone else and so in my own head that i’m isolating myself and making it that much worse because it’s not just in my head that i’m isolating myself because i actually am. oh god this is a whole other rant that i want to get into but i don’t know if i have the mental strength to fully unpack right now. i’m going to end this post because it’s already ungodly long and you may or may not see that posted soon after this one. i love how i say that like anyone follows this or knows this exists and is going to be looking for that post. this is pretty much me just talking to myself like a crazy person. whatever. i’ll be my own audience lol. okay goodbye.

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