#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years
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Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week
Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"
#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit#started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything#all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future#(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress)#idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now#majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that#that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true”#so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now#well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.#and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it#never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities#I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped#it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back#but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years#fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me#needed to yell about it I guess#vent#phoenix prattles
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Lol so uh, hi, I'm Pulse, and I don't use my personal tumblr as much as I should and I would like to change that. I recently made a decision to get rid of a side blog that made me pretty happy because the people who partook in said k!nk community made me want to rip my hair out after a while. To save you the suspense I had a blog focused around my tickling kink lol It's still something I think about lately but my interests have changed and I don't want to associate my OCs with just k!nk anymore. They're so much more than that.
I want to finally write my book one day. Maybe even get the drive up to work on the comic. Idk something, I want my babies out there. And it feels weird trying to do that with my n/sfw blog hanging over my head with these characters that is totally...ooc for most of them lol. So if you're following me from said blog, hi, it's good to see you again and sorry I've been so sparce. Life has been kind of mean this past month.
Idk if I mentioned it but but we lost our 7 year old German Shepherd Lucy to stomach cancer later in September. She was the light of our life and currently as I'm typing this I'm weeping once again for her. That's because it was a combo of my mental health taking a nosedive after deleting a blog I had for 8 years, a pit of depression I fell into, and ofc, OF fucking course losing our precious Lucy.
But today was the tipping point. Mandy, the dog we adopted from the pound, had to be taken to the vet one final time. The bastards at the pound knew she had kennel cough and they wouldn't wait on spaying her so she got aspirate pneumonia from the procedure. We tried so hard for a week to nurse her back to health, get her to eat, get her to take the meds, anything. She just like...tanked overnight. And we had already fallen in love with her.
Today fucking sucked. Losing Mandy is making the feeling of all my other loses hit me all at once and I woke up from a nap unable to stop crying. I know this is just a rough patch but wow this hurts. This hurts really bad. I just want Lucy back. I want Mandy back. I wanted to give Mandy a good home. She was so sweet and she was taken from us too soon.
Again, I want to get into the swing of using this blog more and posting art but currently I'm just trying to keep my head above water man. I can't even draw or do anything that I love to do.
It'll come back to me, I know it will. I just. I'm hurting right now so I guess please be gentle with me haha. For those on discord who reached out to me, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart but I'm so bad at having friends see me having a mental breakdown that I'm kind of just hiding away. But thank you guys for being so kind.
I'm gonna hug Dante and watch some movies I think and eat my pizza and try to feel better. Thanks for reading <3
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