#idk like it's been a while since ive given her love im iffy about that last one

[chroniclesmuslim]

February 10th, 2018

**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush and friends to christian names. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way)

So nothing really has changed since i made my last update. I texted him yesterday and initiated conversation. I kinda felt weird doing it though since this whole scenario is weird in general. i'm used to him hitting me up in the mornings while he’s at work and starting a convo and tbh i think the main reason why i feel kinda iffy about messaging him first is because he had also told me in his "tbh" moment that the reason he wasnt 100% interested in the beginning was because he felt off about how i initiated us talking from the beginning. that a girl should make a guy feel lucky to have her and that he also figured that since i was the first to make the initial move, that must’ve meant i've done this in the past with other guys.

kinda funny though considering he's the first guy i've ever tried talking to. im sure he realized after the thursday meeting (if he was still unsure) that i've never done this before. highlighted by my awkwardness + shyness. i remember there was a moment where there was a silence and i looked up to him looking at me. which kinda freaked me out and made me look down, and when i looked up again he was still staring at me. and legit i looked up and down for a solid 10-15 seconds. ugh im legit sooo awkward lol why can't i talk. but on a side note i just found out that some guys find a girl being shy as "cute". i hardly think he thought my behavior was cute though lol more so annoying for the fact that we ARE friends and i didnt know how to act like one.

i know that even though when i met him on monday for the first time (since like last year), i was even more shy. I would cover my face and mouth with my hands and not look at him that much. but he was able to control the conversation and kept making jokes etc etc. that was the main difference between the first meeting and the second. i was less shy in the second meeting but i guess my awkwardness was rubbing off onto him. i dont know how it'll go this week (heck idk if we'll even still meet) but i hope that i can be more myself and show him that im not as boring and awkward as ive been making myself out to seem. and i also hope he can take control again for when i DO slip up and get quiet.

but anyways back to the whole texting thing. i messaged him and it has been kinda choppy. tbh the flow of our texts is kinda similar to the flow of how our meeting went. choppy and silent lol. i keep thinking that he probably regrets talking to me and that he doesn't really wanna have communication with me anymore. it makes me feel sad. i want to bounce back at least through our texts but im not sure how to anymore. i forgot how we used to talk and how we used to be able to talk about nothing for hours. i dont know how to do that anymore which is weird considering that its only been 2 days since i was last able to. again i guess he's being nice about it but i feel like he's partly ignoring me again. like how he used to ignore me last semester. the only thing that made me kind of optimistic was how he mentioned that if i ever do come to see his dad at their store, his dad might think i was a druggie or something since not many desis come around to that area. he was basically trying to make a joke about my presence at the store after talking to his dad about another muslim customer that walked in. so that means he at least thought of me when he was joking with his dad. and then he sent me a snap afterwards of a song on the radio. which made it feel normal again.

i guess i might be overthinking everything but i KNOW that this next meeting will probably determine how things will go. i dont want to mess it up and i've been thinking of different ways to go about it. i wanted to text him and tell him how it's just hard for me to be myself with him in person still and i need to feel a little more comfortable around him before we can develop a flow in our conversations and stuff but then i figured i might as well tell him that in person. so at least thats one conversation we can have the next time i see him. plus he's a nice guy, one of the good ones, so i feel like if i told him how i genuinely feel and acknowledge the fact that im uncomfortable then he might feel the need to make me more comfortable. i also told “Amanda” about everything and she wants to come make a "guest appearance" the next time we meet up to kinda help navigate the conversation and make me feel more at ease with her presence.

i also DONT want to meet again at the cafeteria on campus. first of all, its soooo hard for me to hear him when we're in there. i guess bc of the kitchen and of the starbucks line and everyone sitting and talking near us and the fans overhead etc etc. i realized that one of the main reasons why our conversation was so choppy was also because i had made a mental list of everything i wanted to talk to him about (in hopes of not running out of something to say) but because of my list, i kept jumping from one topic to the next without actually stopping to LISTEN to what he had to say and then ask him a follow up question. like how the heck do i forget how to listen??? such common knowledge but of course i effed up on that too lol. another reason why i dont want to meet at the cafeteria is because i dont like sitting right across from him, it feels like we are in an interview and it doesn't help me relax but makes things worse for me. plus there's nothing to really do at the cafeteria. he eats only zabihah so we cant even order food. i was thinking maybe we could go to the gameroom and play a card game like uno or something. i know he wanted to go to the gym on campus and sit on the benches for the basketball court so we had more "privacey" aka not as many people around to bump into us lol but that's also kind of scary. because then we can't have a break and talk about someone we just saw and we would also be forced to pay 100% attention to each other. i dont know if i want him to pay that much attention to me when im acting all goofy the way that i am. but i know that if we go to the gym it would make more sense if “Amanda” bumped into us since she's always there exercising to begin with.

i just hope he hasn't given up hope on me. it's so weird to think about where we were a few days ago to where we are now. we were so comfortable and honest with each other. we still are honest and stuff but we aren't talking as much. we aren't sharing things anymore. it kind of feels like we are preparing for things to not work out. but i want things to work out. I know “Bill” and “Samantha's” relationship in the beginning was similar to ours. but they had the opportunity to see each other multiple times throughout the week so they got over this phase quicker. we only have the chance to maybe see each other once a week and since its a hassle for him to begin with he might just figure it's best to give up on the whole idea. i dont want him to give up on me.

i just realized its 12:01 AM and i missed Isha namaaz. so i have to make that up. i've been praying for him in my duas. before i would pray for his MCAT score and either an acceptance to medical school or for Allah swt to show him a path that will be the most beneficial and satisfying to him and his deen. now im starting to pray again and make dua that if we are meant to be then make it easy for us. (also for us to be meant for each other lol). i guess the reason why i feel so strongly for him is bc i haven't met any guy or even heard of another guy as hard working as him, as focused as him, as god fearing as him. we match in what we want in this dunyaa. and when i think about him in my future i see someone that i can pray with and be happy with. someone that i can feel safe with. i just hope he doesn't give up on me.

just take it one day at a time.

[uhhhuuhhhoneyy]

10:00pm

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? you could say that

 2: Have you ever been deeply in love? currently

 3: Longest relationship youve ever been in? 3 years 2 months & counting 

 4: Have you ever changed for someone? I have for the better

 5: How is your relationship with your ex? we don’t speak, and probably would never again. i have no interest too

. 6: Have you ever been cheated on? reason my ex & i separated

 7: Have you ever cheated? never im very true to my loyalty to others

 8: Would you date someone whos well known for cheating? i have, it didn’t work out in my favor

 9: Whats the most important part of a relationship? communication

 10: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? serious 

 11: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on a break? personally dont like them, my boyfriend & i have been on a break, and i truly think we needed it. we were on a break for maybe 3 weeks of not talking when we saw each other it was a very emotional moment.

 12: How many people have you ever hooked up with? 3 men including Kevin

 13: Whats one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? id say i was very young & dumb. i wouldnt of let myself have sex with him. he basically used me for 2 years

. 14: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? i really don’t know, id wish for my children to wait till they’re atleast 18 just because i know how high school boys can be . 15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? really depends on the situation, kevin & i are right now are 19 & 23, i grew up hanging out with everyone older than me, didn’t really have any parents. i had to grow up really fast. when we met i was living on my own, & we could literally be with each other whenever and wherever. now if my daughter were dating a 21 year old when she was 17 id be iffy about it. but that’s because she’d be raised way differently than I was.

16: Do you believe in “love at first sight”? yes, it happened with Kevin & i

17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? no, you dont really know the person at all

18: What do you consider a deal breaker? cheating

19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? in the past i was very dumb, now i would know when enough is enough.

20: Are you currently in a relationship? yes

21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? i mean yeah, just depends on the situation

22: Do you think people should date their friends? i personally think you have no business together if you weren’t friends before. kevin & i were hanging out all the time as friends and we kind of just looked at each other and had sex one day! Lmao so it’s worked for us

23: How many relationships have you had? 2

24: Do you think love can last forever? as long as you let it, love isn’t just a feeling it’s a commitment. you’ll get what you put in.

25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? the love Kevin & i have, has conquered some of the hardest and toughest things anyone could go through so i really believe so

26: Would you break up with someone your parents didn’t approve of? my parents aren’t dating him, i am. although my entire family loves Kevin.

27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? geez, so much. ive learned so much about love, relationships & just altogether being with another person. i would tell myself to just not let it bother me. i use to let little things upset me, but in the end none of that matters. all that matters is him & i.

28: Do you think long distance relationships can work? kevin & i over came a distance relationship & i believe we can get through anything and everything now. because distance is a bitch

29: What do you notice first about another person? smile

30: What ethnicity are you? Russian & Norwegian

31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? no, because i do..

32: Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? yes

33: Do you want to get married one day? yes but not a traditional wedding

34: What do you think about getting your partner’s name tattooed? i plan to

35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? probably not

36: Are you still a virgin? no

37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? a good balance of both.

38: Do you enjoy love films? yes a lot..

39: Have you ever given anyone/received roses? received

40: Have you ever had a valentine? yes i was getting valentines since the 4th grade lmao

41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? truthfully? a bottle of wine in a nice hotel just my baby and i. we’ve done this so many times and it’s always my favorite.

42: Have you ever read “Romeo & Juliet”? a play, yes lol

43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? my boyfriend, i don’t really chill with any of my friends anymore all they do is Coke and drink now

44: Would you consider yourself “romantic”? very

45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? nah

46: Have you ever been “friendzoned”? nope. i do the friendzoning 

47: Which “famous couple” is your favorite? Kimye

 48: What’s your favorite love song? ah so many 

 49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? unfortunately, my ex Elijah likes to remind me a lot lmao

 50: If you’re single, why do you think you are? im not single

 51: Would you rather date someone who’s rich but a douche bag or someone who’s poor but a nice guy? poor nice guy definitely 

 52: Are you good at giving other people advice regarding dating/ relationships? ive been told i am, idk, i just speak from the heart.

 53: Ever fist fought someone before? Yupp, and I will again soon when I finally see this bitch Ima pop her in her fat ass nose

 54: How important is it to make a relationship official (twitter, instagram, facebook)? lol social media ain’t that serious boo. 

 55: Would you consider yourself clingy ;overly attached or jealous? Clingy asf.

 56: Have you ever destroyed a relationship? nah. I’m not a bitter bitch that goes out of my way.

 57: Do you think its silly to consider suicide because of a broken heart? Suicide is selfish 

 58: Are you the dominant; or the submissive part in a relationship? both ways, but i like to be on top a lot cause my man likes it

 59: Have you ever forgotten important dates like your partners birthday or your anniversary? never forgot, just loss track of my days but always celebrated

 60: Whats your opinion on open relationships? I’m selfish. fuck all that

 61: Whos more important: Your partner or your family? depends on the situation but recently i picked my partner over family

 62: How do you define cheating? shit if you won’t do something if your partner was there then don’t be doing it at all

 63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? when he doesnt have me to satisfy his needs.. go ahead lol 

 64: Do you think Valentines Day is overrated? eh. idk i like it, but yes. 

 65: Would you consider yourself a cuddler? yes my baby and i always touching. 🤗