#idk just. thinking about my family and how i just. disregard them as lesser for their views and actions. do they suck? yeah. but.

[just-a-small-town-queer]

Y'know. I'm beginning to realize I project a lot. Specifically my own fears and worldview. Kind of an issue.

[hourglass-dreams]

My Encanto (unpopular? Idk) Opinions no one asked for

I don’t think Mariano is as “dumb” as people think he is. Like yeah I even joke around and say he’s “dumb in love” but I don’t actually think he’s absent’minded. 

I’m indifferent about Camilo, I don’t hate or even dislike him, I’m just not drawn to his character. This could be why I’m not a big fan on how a lot of the fandom portray him as this “depressed identity crisis of a teenager” like I get it, as someone who struggles with my own identity and place in the world, I understand! I just don’t see Camilo this way. I feel like he KNOWS who he is, he just wishes everyone saw him as Camilo instead of “the boy who shape-shifts”. I also feel like most of his agnst comes from him trying to make everyone happy and forgetting about himself. Most of the self-image headcanons I have are for Isabela (for better or for worse). If you disagree, that’s fine!!!!

As much as I love Bruno, I’m also not a huge fan of how some of the fandom portrays him as this “little anxious man who can do no wrong uwu”. I don’t think people realize that Bruno leaving caused a lot of pain to the family just like they caused him pain. Everyone was in the wrong in some way (except the grandkids of course). It just disregards the complexities of his humanity and infantilizes him in my opinion. On a lesser extent, a lot of people seem to forget that this man is SASSY. Him being sassy and even angry doesn’t make him a villian, it’s understandable! After everything this man has been through, I don’t see him putting up with anyone’s bullshit. 

Side note: making Bruno nuerodivergent and or mentally ill is not infantilizing him, that’s not what I’m referring to.

Speaking of, I don’t think Bruno or Camilo are overrated but I do think love for them overshadows the other characters A LOT. (Yes I’m guilty of this)

That’s it idk what else.

[cowboyruckus]

this isn’t really a headcanon, but i don’t have an appropriate banner for like... observations or meta.  and i will say here and now that the only person i will ever ship echo with is dorie. cuz i know she’ll give it the respect and care it deserves that the show really hasn’t.  there is one thing that really unsettles me about echo and really liz in general and i’m starting to figure out what that thing is. it’s that she has 100% total control in her relationship with max. and honestly a female partner in a heterosexual relationship having control is obviously not inherently a bad thing. it’s a really really good thing when it means that both partners are on equal footing. but there is a horrific power imbalance here where liz ortecho has all of it, and max evans has none. none at all. he’d jump off a cliff if she mentioned the rocks looked cool at the bottom, and it’s very unhealthy.  but max and liz have never been on equal footing. he has been completely at her mercy since they met when they were children. the thing is that he’s given her his power willingly. he’s let her control his entire life, even after she leaves him behind after rosa’s death.  i mean think about it. did max have any plans after high school? not really. he wanted to write. maybe write a book. but that’s pretty vague and not much of an ambition. he’s pretty much coasting the entire time because ALL of his focus is on liz or to a lesser extent on michael and isobel. but the very minute it starts looking like liz might return some of his feelings all of a sudden he’s going to ‘follow her anywhere’ and do whatever she wants to do. he’s going to make her plans his for the foreseeable future.  and the show frames this with the new mexico sunset and novo amor in the background as this really sweet and romantic thing, but really what they’ve done for two seasons is make max’s entire character completely dependent on liz ortecho. 

max has codependent tendencies. you can see it with isobel, and you can see it with liz. he gets this really unhealthy attachment to people he’s close to, up to and including sacrificing his own life, his sanity, his safety for something that might bring a moment of happiness and completely disregarding the FAR REACHING consequences of that action. ie. rosa’s resurrection. was that a good idea for anyone? absolutely not. but he wasn’t thinking about that. he was thinking that he wanted to make liz happy, and that blinded him to all of the second and third order effects that would occur from bringing a 19 year old drug addict back to life after 10 years in a town that hated her.  and then in season 2 we get all these little instances of liz exerting control over his life like, NUMERO UNO, BRINGING HIM BACK TO LIFE AFTER HE EXPLICITLY ASKED NOT TO BE BROUGHT BACK!!!!! like idk about you but i think the issue of consent is very much ignored here and it makes me uncomfortable. i wanted max back as much as anyone but she was grasping at straws looking for reasons to ignore what he said he wanted. he even pulled his own life support plug and she didn’t get the message. because she wanted him back. didn’t care what he wanted. didn’t care that she’d spent almost the entirety of the time they’ve known one another giving him signals that she does not want him (that’s another thing that bothers me, that for almost 20 years she has looked at and treated him as nothing more than her friend and it was only after she figured out her high school boyfriend was a massive dick after god knows how long that she decided she’d give max a go). no, what max wants has never ever mattered to her.  we get her bossing him around over his health because he’s letting her scold him for drinking coffee with caffeine and gasp exercising!!! we get her scolding him for trying to protect people which is the literal only thing he’s ever expressed any real passion and ambition for (the writing thing doesn’t count, he talks about it but never really does it besides his journaling). we get her stealing his and noah’s dna WITHOUT PERMISSION OR CONSENT AGAIN to conduct alien science experiments, but this time it’s not just to be used on other aliens, she’s planning on using her miracle drug on a human person who has no idea aliens exist, which. why? the random nobody character the cw added just so liz could try to market alien cure-alls behind max’s back and in spite of the risk to him and his family? she repeatedly minimizes his concerns about his alien business even though in reality it has absolutely nothing at all to do with her, like scolding him again for being open and honest with her about how he feels having his sister isobel stripped away from him in the span of a few hours (and btw she was the only thing that kept him sane and any form of ok while they were growing up, her love was the only thing he had to hold onto and now it’s gone) because ‘ur not alone, i’m right here!!!!!’ like that wasn’t simply not true for 20 years. i mean come on, he wasn’t even one of her best friends he was literally the guy she rebounded on when she had a bad day. she used him to make her feel better and never provided him any kind of support or affection in return because it was obvious he was hopelessly in love with her and would do whatever she needed without question. and then she scolds him again for being upset about her conducting secret alien experiments WITH HIS DNA SHE DIDN’T HAVE HIS PERMISSION TO USE becuz ‘it’s not gonna fall out of my hands!’  liz. babee. you idiot. i know you know that’s not how that works. i know you know you can’t possibly guarantee that you can protect him if you expose his secrets to a world that isn’t ready for them. i know you know that. so how dare you try to make him out to be the bad guy because he’s rightfully afraid of how HIS FAMILY will be tortured when they are discovered because of your reckless, careless handling of their lives. we all know how the aliens were treated at caulfield. that’s what will happen to them if you let his dna that you stole get loose. and trust me, you won’t have a choice. someone will take it from you.  but really the root of all this is that max allows elizabeth ortecho to bulldoze him, to talk over him, to dictate how he feels and what he does and how he conducts himself because he’s obsessed with her in an unhealthy way. and she encourages it. she allows it. and she makes it worse. he’s codependent on his sister, he’s codependent on liz. but the thing about isobel is that she’s codependent on him too. liz isn’t. she makes it very clear that she is fully capable of functioning on her own as an independent person without his support. which is perfectly fine and healthy for anyone, but he is incapable of doing the same. and she doesn’t make any effort to help him do this. instead, she exacerbates his dependence on her by gaslighting him and taking advantage of his submissive nature and keeping him out of the loop on decisions she makes regarding HIS medical issues (the alien killing serum. the dna experiments to cure hospital girl).  do i think she does this on purpose? no. do i think she even realizes she’s doing it? no. but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s being done and it’s really starting to make me uncomfortable. because max has displayed time and again how far he’s willing to go for liz ortecho, but liz ortecho hasn’t yet displayed to me how far she’s willing to go for max evans. she’s displayed how far she’s willing to go for liz ortecho. she didn’t bring him back for him. she brought him back for her. 

[mentalcurls]

7. Ho fatto un casino

It’s been almost a week but here I am, back with my thoughts on episode 7 of the 1st season of Skam Italia. I talk about being calm and cool and chill, about toxic masculinity and the parallelisms between Silvia and Eva. The results for the Bechdel test for this episode are at the end as usual. Enjoy!

the episode starts on the most lovely note: the girls, alone, having a conversation about about a really interesting, engaging and thought-provoking topic *drumroll* the Villa guys. Yay.

the silence of the girlsquad while Silvia talk about Formentera, the perplexed stares

Eleonora is holding back from commenting so hard! Her “What are you doing with that sandwich?” is a bit judge-y, sure, but not as judge-y as the instinctive “What are doing destroying that poor sandwich?” I would have gone for

that fake nonchalance from Silvia! She’s being low maintenance! She doesn’t need to talk, it’s cool that the guy she likes made out with another girl, it’s fine! She didn’t take it badly, “ti pare”?

IDK why but I love Ele looking back towards Eva to look for confirmation and support when Silvia seems not to know what she’s talking about

Silvia is cool as a cucumber and just casually piling on justification upon justification and diverting the conversation as far from Edoardo as possible

she’s so casual!!! She made out with someone while she was so drunk she can’t even remember who it was and it’s whatever!! Chill!!!

and to continue the streak of super casual, nonchalant people, here’s Eva asking about Federico, just out of innocent curiosity, you know

that thank you kiss (that goes on for nearly 20 seconds) is completely chill as well

Gio: promises Eva 2am crepes also Gio: actually only ever brings Eva coffee from a vending machine that he only got because the machine ate his money in the first place

Eva casually asking Gio where he is going with his friends, despite complaining a lot in previous episodes about said friends and the person Gio becomes when he’s with them: not out of character at all, Gio won’t notice anything! She’s suave!

cue Gio noticing, but being too kiss drunk and letting himself be convinced (and oh how the tables have turned! This is some mild gaslighting from Eva!)

super casual, super smooth public declarations of love

and then Federica, cool as anything, asking about Marti’s relationship status

this clip was titled “Il panico” and I love this title so much. I would have gone for something like “And everyone was chill” but this antiphrasis-cum-Silvia-quote is pretty good too 

going back a second, Marti’s face while Gio and Eva kiss! He’s awkward and avoiding looking at them exactly like the other girls, but there’s so much annoyance there too! We’ve already seen him break up at least one of their kisses (first clip with the “A zozzoni!”) and I bet he’d totally pull an Ammucchiate!Niccolò here if he thought he could get away with it

that pool is a really cool place, I really want Marti to take Nico there at some point cause it fits his aesthetic for romantic places perfectly

how smooth, how suave of Gio to lose control of his skateboard and end up falling on his ass in the mud 

Marti’s hair! It’s tremendous! Baby, cut it please, I’m begging you (AND I KNOW THIS IS AN UNPOPULAR OPINION OK but you can’t deny he needs a bit of order on that head)

M: “I see things are going better” E: “Yeah, [...] everything is fine” COOL AS CUCUMBERS, the both of them. The fake nonchalance. The facade of chill.

then Eva swallows, takes a deep breath and it all comes crashing down

Eva is 100% talking to Marti instead of one of the girls because they would obviously tell her off for listening to a dumb boy’s advice and she’s scared they would turn on her for “making” another boy cheat like it happened with Laura over Gio, when in reality the girls would/will take her side both with the Federico/Alice situation and the Giovanni situation; on the other hand, she is convinced from their previous conversation Marti is on her side, she’s looking for validation of what she did when she took his advice despite feeling stupid for taking it herself, but she also wants someone who will tell her off for cheating on Gio, who maybe will fight her about it cause it’ll be cathartic, so Marti is the obvious choice of confidant here

and Marti is taken aback: I don’t think he expected Eva to actually go to Laura, Laura to actually tell the truth and most of all to cause such an earthquake with a half-assed line about going to the source

is Marti that concerned about Federica that he really thinks of her first when Eva tells him about kissing “Fede” or is he that unaware of what Eva’s social life has looked in the past few months and of the hierarchy at school? Both, I suspect. He’s a disaster.

“Hai capito” he’s so shook! He doesn’t know how to react! His mind starts going a million miles an hour

and again! He’s Gio’s best friend, he’d put himself in front of a bullet for Gio, but he makes it sound like he’s siding with Eva, like he’s giving advice based on what’s best for her and Eva believes him without a second thought! I just can’t with these kids. She even thanks him!

the shots focused on Gio skateboarding down in the pool are from both Eva and Marti’s point of view not only in the sense that they come from their position, where they’re sitting close to one another, but because they both see him in the same way: boyfriend material

what’s Silvia doing wearing that ugly jacket?? I mean she looks great anyways, but it’s so ugly and plasticky and it doesn’t compliment her figure at all??

and oh, this poor baby. She’s been so brainwashed into believing a) that she needs a man; b) that her self-worth lies in the social status of the man she’ll get herself; c) that men treating women like shit is par for the course and a sign they actually like them, they’re just being manly she just. Doesn’t. Get. It. Her first thought when Eva asks about Federico is that she likes him, not that she likes gossip, or that she needs blackmail to get rid of the guy who we know and the girls know has been hitting on her, despite knowing she has a boyfriend (which would have been my first thought tbh). She thinks that Edo’s silence is jealousy and she’s absolutely devastated when she finds out about the lows teenage boys can get to when it comes to status, sex and proving their masculinity

Eva and Silvia’s clothes have similar colors in this clip, but inverted (pink shirt and blue jacket for Silvia, blue t-shirt and red-purple shirt over it for Eva) which I think is significant: everyone knows Silvia’s been with Edo because she’s advertised it to be more popular, while Eva’s doing her best to prevent her story of her kiss with Fede from coming out, so the colors are inverted; at the same time, they are part of the same color families because Silvia and Eva have both “been” with one of the Villa boys and therefore they’re both on that wall and in both their cases there’s a third guy involved (Gio and Rocco Martucci); Eleonora on the other hand is in black, neutral.

and Ele calls the wall “posto di merda” and I couldn’t agree more: it is a sanctuary of sexism and misogyny, a place specifically created to celebrate the guys’ sexuality, while demeaning and ridiculing girls for theirs, along of course with other, “lesser” boys who are not in their circle and don’t have as much sex (in the Villa guys’ perception) as them or don’t get girls as hot as theirs: it’s obviously the new frontier of a classic of toxic masculinity, comparing dick sizes, with a dash more misogyny thrown in for good measure, and it’s public in a way notches on the bedframe (another great toxic masculinity classic) aren’t, since those are a twisted way of demonstrating how good you are in bed to women along with how you’re a casanova not looking for anything serious, the wall is a self-congratulatory group activity for the elite, accessible to anyone in theory, but unknown to most people; the only thing I have to say that’s even just vaguely positive about the wall compared to the Penetrators sweatshirts in the OG is that it’s less about “possession” of the girls, who are still objectified, but are not marked in an outward way to indicate they “belong” to a specific group or a specific member of the group

EVA, GUARDAMI EVA: why the fuck would you call him? You already know he won’t take you seriously, he’s never taken you seriously while talking to you face to face, why would he be any better on the phone!

Eva just really doesn’t know how to lie. She’s shit at it, with anybody. The only secrets she manages to keep are those who only require her to omit the truth without having to make up excuses: the only lie we see her successfully tell is about spending Easter with Sara and Laura, while was with Gio, and even then she kind of betrays herself later when she tells her mom her and Laura haven’t been talking much since they were put in different classes

I’ve been disproved! She successfully pretends Fede is her mom on the phone right then. Whoops.

cue Federico disregarding Eva’s requests and instructions because he’s a self-centered, sexually objectifying ass as usual and calling her and making fun of her

I don’t have much to say about the conversation between Gio and Eva on the couch, except that Gio is obviously avoiding the words “drug” and “marijuana” because he wants to ignore the potential addiction he has shown he could develop, that conversation in which people disagree on something important but them man distracts the woman by being silly always make me uncomfortable cause I feel he thinks her thoughts are valid and that Eva  must be feeling so shit when Gio tells her he’s decided to tell her everything and never lie AND IT’S BECAUSE OF MARTI who told her not to communicate with Gio

fully siding with Eleonora on the wedges discourse

so much sarcasm in that conversation at Baretto

Sana’s first response to Silvia, who treated her like shit and was racist towards her, is to repay her in brutal honesty, and it’s honestly cruel sometimes, but genius cause what can Silvia do or answer?

“Sticazzi degli altri” and this moment is so important! Everything the girls have been trying to teach Silvia in the past few months about self worth, confidence, about not giving too much weight to other people’s opinions and about feminism coagulates in this single moment for Silvia: she couldn’t be low-maintenance enough for Edoardo to keep her? Fine, now she’s gonna be fucking high maintenance and loud and proud and hand him his ass. 

except it’s all facade, she’s still a scared, naive girl who’s a bit of a pushover inside, so when she actually confronts her monster she caves immediately when the interaction doesn’t play out as she envisioned, and in the end she comes out of it destroyed and with the idea that being confident, proud etc. is only harmful for her social status

Silvia can’t even get Edo to listen at her! Not until one of the other girls arrives and calls him out

that “Ciao!” is the epitome of the fake confidence Silvia’s portraying, she’s trying to be cool and suave and destroy him like Ele or Sana would (and will)

and what an haphazard, unthreatening group the girlsquad looks when compared to the Villa guys, all in black, far taller, forming a more compact front, arms on shoulders, exchanging looks behind Edo

“If you think you can reduce me to an X on a wall” that would be bad enough! But even worse, Silvia is not even an X, she’s not even on Edo’s radar enough for him to know her name, despite her giving him her first time!

Silvia is a cautionary tale for teaching girls about consent too, both because of how she handled the sex with Edo and making out with Martucci, and conversely because despite all the signals and implied messages from Edo telling her no, that he’s not interested in her, she still continues to go after him

and like, I said before that I got why Edoardo is doing this, but he’s such an ASSHOLE about it, I wanna punch him in the face so bad

he throws her off straight away, pretending he doesn’t know what she’s talking about (Silvia should have predicted that, really, as I said before, it’s an ELITE thing, not many people are supposed to know about it so why would Edo acknowledge that something exists, that he knows anything about it and that it’s a secret Silvia has been allowed into too?

then he interrupts her! And I don’t think I need to say anything more about manterrupting than what has already been said

Silvia is completely frozen. This is the man of her dreams. She had sex with him. Only a little over a week earlier. The entire world crashes down on her. He doesn’t seem to remember her at all.

and after confusing her, breaking her heart, disproving her theory, treating her like a child and humiliating her, Edo just has to dig a bit deeper still and mock her

re: Ele’s roast, I’m just gonna 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

the girls though: while Edo is talking to Silvia, Sana and Ele are simmering with barely contained rage, while Fede is as chided as Silvia is and Eva is worried about Silvia, but also about Federico, I bet she was checking what he was doing out of the corner of her eye for the whole conversation; then when Ele talks, and afterwards, while they leave, their bearing completely changes, they stand up straighter, their chins are high and they leave with nonchalance and an air of superiority

Giovanni complaining about not answering perfectly a particularly hard question he was asked in a test is such a classico mood though

Eva is so cute, being worried for Silvia and checking in on her

Alice has anger management issues obviously, but I stan Mr Boccia’s female colleague who is an impressive example of female solidarity and  teaching the right messages, even if her methods are not very conventional of pedagogically great; basically the whole PE department in this school is 💯

and then there’s the fight: Alice arrives with a group of friends, like a proper ambush; I love killer Sana with the dictionary, that poor girls on the other end of things will have some very nasty bruises; all the girls get in the fray, even Silvia and they form a shield behind which they hide Eva

Ele is super interesting to me here: she’s in proper boxer stance, like she knows how to fight, and she probably does, doesn’t she? What with being a beautiful girl in a big city in a sexist world and what with Filippo being her brother and gay and flamboyant and probably getting bullied when they were both younger. On top of this, as soon as Alice calls Eva “troia” she gets mad as a hornet ‘cause she just can’t stand people who use the derogatory terms that condemn women simply on the basis of how much sex they’ve had and stigmatize sex workers, especially when it’s women against other women (see also ep.1 with Laura calling Eva “puttana”)

and after that, much as she won’t believe it, Silvia’s moment with Edoardo is forgotten; more importantly, though, Alice and Federico’s fight during PE is forgotten, as is the fact that this situation is his fault since he cheated; no, the thing that lasts in people’s mind is the catfight between girls outside the school gate and how that redhead from 3B is a whore

Bechdel test: this episode doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. I’ve thought quite a bit about it, because there are technically two conversation that pass the test: one while the girls are at Baretto, in which they talk about Fede’s pink wedge shoes, but I decided not to count it just like I didn’t count the conversation on the windowsill about Margot in the last episode, cause it fades in and the topic changes after just a few seconds; the other immediately follows and it consists of Silvia telling the others she got 7 in Maths and that she found the ananas cake on a website: I decided not to count this one because it almost completely one-sided and Silvia starts talking about Edoardo the very next minute.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.  If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!

[messykarma]

m.

Prostitute

You make me sick

I don’t hate your friends, I hate you

Attention seeking

Pathetic

Motormouth

Shameful

Everything that comes from you is wrong

Chatterbox

Disappointment

Crocodile tears (i.e. fake tears because I’m not allowed/have no right to be sad)

Bitchy/bitch

Parasite

Devil

Useless (bugger)

Stupid

Idiot

I’m going to kill you. I would rather sit in a jail cell

All you want to do is fuck boys

Did you have sex with [boy’s name]

Why aren’t you happy, you have no right not to be

Stop ‘showing your face’

Attitude problems

Embarrassment

Dumb

Just like your [biological] mother/like mother, like daughter [as in I’m going to get pregnant at 17 and shit like that]

Having you was a mistake (I.e. shouldn’t have adopted me)

Why are you always thinking about boys? [not allowed to make mistakes/forget]

Stop crying, I haven’t even hit you yet

If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about

Wait until we go home, you want to show your attitude in public? Fine

Me: “can I go to a party?” Mum: “why do you want to go. The answer is no. Are you pregnant?!”

Wearing your hair down? Attention seeker, think it’ll attract boys? I’ll cut it off [pair of scissors in hands, holding hair up]

You’re never happy, fine *threat* [showing an emotion other than happiness/not talking all the time]

“all you want to do is party, party party, party girl. All the high achievers aren’t party girls” [only asked to go to 3 parties, was allowed 1 this year]

I can’t wait until you’re out of this house. You were always so eager to get out of here. I’ll be free [you want to live with Aunt? Fine, go]

*general baseless assumptions followed by a threat or insult*

Why is your head always in the clouds. Something is wrong, are you watching porn? Is there a boy in your life? Wait until I find out, you better stop whatever it is

“All you want to do is havoc” (wanting to hang out with my friends - esp bc I’m leaving)

Throws a lot of shit at me. Anything in her hands.

Not good enough

All your spare time should be spent revising, every second.

Me: *cries because of something that hurt my feelings*

Her: *screams more and louder* “crocodile tears” “this is why your father and I are fed up with you, we can’t even talk to you without you shedding crocodile tears”

I’ll ‘piak’ (hit/cane) you

*You’re not welcome to come back home

You have no parents

[Money leech]

Only care about yourself*

- after saying no to lunch with them in favour of my friends that I don’t live with

I wouldn’t care about what you do if you got 100%, but you don’t

Why not 100%? [should be on the same level as the highest student.. same teacher]

*generally disregards all and any feelings or actions etc. that isn’t applicable or never happened to her* [her truths must be the truth]

I will kill you (after taking her knife momentarily to cut some cheese she asked me to grate for her - however she needed to use it for the pastry and it had ripped a little)

I will use this knife (bc of above)

I don’t care if I go to jail (one that came up with use recently but this one she used to say all the time when she would hit me when I was younger - I used to think she was going to kill me and I literally [even now] panic and have trouble breathing)

*the moment she realises I took the knife*: you BITCH Wait until Y12 is over you move out

Why do you always want to see [friend who is a girl], are you lesbian? If you are, get out. Go to [her] house, see if her family even wants you

(I don’t go to the same school as her and we almost never see each other)

All you want to do is lie down and read, go and be a prostitute. What has reading ever helped you with?

At the end of this year you can go find your [biological] mother. I know you treat me this poorly bc I am not your real mother

What has made you hate me and this family so much

No one will want you if you can’t cook/aren’t smart etc [many things that blend into a single feeling that drives a negative feeling already there]

You think because you’re adopted you can do whatever you want? ... I can do whatever I want [to you]

“go to [friend’s name]’s house, get lost. Marry her dad isn’t that what you want? GET OUT”

*constantly accuses me of being pregnant* (funny how I’ve never even touched a boy or had a boy be interested in me at the same time I’ve been interested in them huh) and I never pop out a baby oh well

I’ve been looking for your mother, you can go live with her [if you hate being here so much]

The other day she got mad I went into my room and didn’t help after dinner and yelled at me all the way into the kitchen. Then just before we got there she got so mad she used her dish cloth in her hands and whipped it repeatedly at my face and body. The first one got me in the throat and wrapped around it and I choked and couldn’t breathe for a couple secs. Then she got me in my left eye and repeat hits on my body.

All you do is chat chat chat and play games (as in I should abide by her no contact with friends [but it’s ok if she asks to ask them something and gets angry when I don’t know something about them that she wants to know...]

You know [the article is right] the results are not accurate, your school does so well but for what? [you are doing poorly] there are those bad ones that drag the school down [referring to me] (Context: I go to a 100% academically selective high school that is top of my state and one of the top of Australia) --> this one my mind is able to be logical about despite how hurt I still am at it... if everyone in a school gets 90-100 and there are a couple that get 80, relative to the rest of the state etc. the ones who get 80 aren’t bad, however also because everything’s relative they’re ‘doing the worst’ etc.

Used to constantly say that I belonged in a ‘lesser’ school because I’m not achieving high enough [as in I don’t belong at my prestigious school] (mad regrets for actually getting and striving for straight As when I was younger...)

Used to rant about me not getting a job etc. even though I wanted one and as soon as I get one she finds more things (some job related) to get mad at me for etc.

[After ball - the equivalent of senior prom - obviously, I danced at ball] “all you want to do is party, all you [can] do is dance dance dance. You want to be an escort? Mark my words you will never succeed. Fine be an escort just don’t tell me”

People make mistakes. You are the biggest mistake.

Me: “Mum my friend’s mum said I was pretty”

Mum: *laughs hysterically*

Me: “Mum my friend today said my ears were nice”

Mum: “What? Why would she say that... probably to cover something up. How are your ears nice when they look like ‘this’.” *does a weird gesture with her ears*

Why do I still let myself get affected? Why can’t I be like my brother who seems to ignore her plus he gets hit less? Idk... possibly bc I still respect her despite her thinking I have no respect for her... just a hypothesis. Do I owe her everything for taking me out of a 3rd world country... am I ungrateful? I deserve this...?

Talked to my dad and he says that he and my eldest brother had it worse etc. so basically he said: your quality of life is better and if we didn’t hit you, you would’ve become a drug user so you shouldn’t be unhappy and should be grateful. (Funny how the very thing I should be grateful for is what pointed me in the direction of them...) 

My sister in law literally told me that her fam hit her too but she’s never seen anything like what she saw happening to me lol. She remembers an incident where apparently mum was going real hard and beating me, she said my mum’s a little [crazy]. Don’t really remember that since all the incidents kinda blurr together.

And then rarely, after, (at night) she’ll come into my room with a soft voice and be like “we just want you to do well” etc. and then I’ll feel so fucking confused and guilty for ever talking shit about her or for any negative thought I’ve had about any of the shit that happened to me. I mean, do I deserve it? I did kinda cause all of it...

It’s scary sometimes to interact with her bc you never know when she’ll snap. It’s terrifying when she has this certain look on her face - the one where you know you’ll be hurt.

I hate how she always tells and yells at me to go back to my birth mother. A cruel reminder she doesn’t want me anymore and no one does - that I’m not really apart of this family.

I really wish they would be happy and proud because of me but even if that would magically happen (already a legal adult) I’m so fucked it up I would never know how to react or process it.

Bonus:

*complains that I don’t have a job*

*complains when I do have a job*

(Odd jobs is fine yet forced me to back out of an anniversary server odd job)

*complains that I don’t read enough*

*complains that all I do is read ‘stupid books’*