#idk just. i feel like a lot of aces don't understand how little non-ace aro representation there actually is

[thermodynamic-comedian]

alloace friend i introduced to malevolent who, like many of us, likes to project his sexuality onto his fav fictional characters: hm i see arthur lester as asexual homoromantic

me, an aroallo who has been slowly dying over the lack of representation for years: CAN WE HAVE THIS ONE PLEASE.

(not a dig at the friend btw he had no way of knowing that arobi arthur is personal to me and also he can hc whatever he wants. i just thought it was funny)

PLLEEEAASEEE CAN WE HAVE THIS ONE PLEAAASEEEEE

no but like. aroallo arthur has solid canon evidence. the remark about how he didn't "love" his wife, merely "liked" her. the sheer and persistent lack of romance in the actual story, as compared to the incredibly sexual things arthur sometimes says. the lovequeerness of it all.

aromantic bisexual arthur lester will forever and always be real to me

[spasticspaceshp]

Idk who's going to bother to read this rant but maybe someone will and relate to some parts of it so here goes.

The asexual and aromantic experience is wild when you have nothing but love to give.

For context, I generally don't use any specific labels because it's just a lot of work to explain, but using the more generic ones, I know a few things about myself.

I'm non-binary, polyamorous, and land *somewhere* on the ace and aro spectrums. I only use pangender as a term cuz I'm biased to the flag. It looks pretty, and it's close enough. I've debated if I'm trans, but I'm not uncomfortable in my body so I haven't bothered to pursue anything, and I'm only ace/aro because there is just a complete lack of drive/attraction/instinct whatever it can be called, in my body and psyche. I am a soul in a vessel here to experience things, but attraction is not one of them, apparently.

I'm a sex positive ace though. And I know all the technical terms I fall into but it's just complicated. I don't really use any kind of term for sexual preference, but I know I like men, and can develop sexual attraction under the right circumstances, and I like women aesthetically, but I can't say I'm NOT sexually attracted because I've never been with one. And the weird fear about trying is exactly the same fear I had about men. So ya know.

But I want to love. To be loved and especially to give love in return. I don't make a lot of friends cuz I don't get attached, with the exception of getting adopted, and my best friend who I chose all the way back in 2nd grade. I'm in my early 20s now and her and I live together, so you can see that it means something.

I've also recently started dating this guy who is exactly in the perfect sweet spot of everything I am attracted to, and not just visually. (Who actually cares about appearances anyway?) He's very sweet and kind to me, has a perfect balance of similarities and differences to myself, highly values communication and listens to what I have to say, understands my needs and how I function, and overall matches my energy. (He's very mellow but I'm working to bring out the crazy side I know is in there, lol.) To be honest it's damn near one of those too good to be true things. He's also poly, not entirely cis, and completely embraces my gender identity, or lack thereof. He's devoted and healthily obsessive and possessive and it's mutual. We also completely agree on our stances about kids and marriage, which is that we want neither. (At least not getting married on paper, he absolutely wants to wife me and I'm not mad about it.)

What makes me feel almost guilty, or honestly more like I'm defective, is that he's had all these realizations and transcendent moments that you would expect out of finding the person you're meant to be with. But I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I completely share the sentiments, I want him just as much as he wants me, and the devotion is mutual, I just haven't felt it. I know I love him, I know that I'm happy, I know that what we have is extremely promising and healthy. I just feel like I'm missing what everyone else gets to experience. I've talked about it with him too and he's so very understanding. Maybe I'm just terrified of myself. That I'll ruin it without even knowing, simply because I'm not designed to have this. I also know that thinking that is bad for manifesting.

Like just listen. (I'm also into witchcraft and astrology,) And my literal human design works against some of the things I want. I want to sleep next to him, all the time, but I have genuine trouble sleeping next to another person even just in the same bed as me, let alone within elbow distance. Sometimes it's hard if they're even in the same room. And that fact was literally stated in one of my readings. There's something in my autistic little brain that can't seem to let my breathing match theirs, and it's a natural thing for humans to do, but it somehow drives me crazy. I want to kiss and hold and have sex and all those things, but I'm difficult. Finding satisfaction in intimacy is a literal challenge, even with help from toys or other stimulus. He's been so patient and understanding with that too and it's done wonders for the shame trauma I grew up with, but it's also just frustrating, because I feel constantly inadequate or like I'll accidentally give off the impression that he's not enough. And that's not true. (Even if there's some things he could stand to learn.) It's all just that typical asexual "I feel broken" kind of angst. But it's still a very real experience that haunts me. I'd love to believe that going on T would fix me, but I know it's not true.

Honestly I kinda lost where I meant to go with this. It's very TMI, but he says I feel like home to him, and while I don't think I feel the same thing, wording wise, we both agree that even though it's been almost 3 months, it feels like we've known each other for forever. Please excuse me for being a sap but genuinely I'm like, yah I found it. Cliché romance novel shit and everything. It's been very soft and comfortable so far. I still have to egg him into actually biting me like he means it, but at least I know I'm safe with him. He lets me show a bit of dominance too, so there's not any kind of power imbalance, and I'm so very excited for whatever future we get to have.

Idk. I think I had a lot of other sappy poetic shit to say that I forgot about, but I guess the overall message is that when you know what you want, it doesn't matter if you're ace, aro, anything in between, or nothing at all, you can find the love you're looking for. Have some faith in yourself. You're not broken, you're not missing anything. Whatever kinds of relationships you have, platonic or romantic or anything else, the right people do exist. You just have to first be sure of yourself, and sure of what you're looking for.

Yada yada yada, I'm gonna go take a nap.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

I hope you don't mind me coming to babble in your inbox, I'm not sure who else to talk to who might understand?

I've known I'm a-spec [specifically ace-spec, more specifically gray-ace] for years now, and I'm comfortable and settled with that part of my identity.

But now I'm starting to question if I may be aro-spec as well, which is really strange for me because I'm so like... based in love. I'm very loving. Like I know loving aros are a thing, and just as valid as loveless aros, but I've never considered I may be aro-spec because I'm truly a [hopeless] romantic, it's a deep part of who I am as a person.

I know I mix up platonic and romantic attraction *a lot,* it's very difficult for me to differentiate between the two, and that isn't helped by the fact that I'm a very sensual and touch-affectionate (is that a term? is now) person to begin with. It's cost me a few relationships in the past, where I start out thinking I'm romantically attracted to someone, so we start a relationship, only for me to gradually realize that I don't really feel that kind of attraction to them at all. Because of this, I heavily favor the idea of a queerplatonic relationship(s).

Only now I'm struggling even more because I've realized I love someone - which usually isn't a problem, I love just about everyone, but this is *different.* I've specified that though I love them and it's more than just a platonic love, I'm not "in love" with them. Yet when I explain [to the best of my ability] exactly how I feel for them to others [my therapist], I'm told that it sounds a lot like I'm simply in denial of being "in love." Which, valid, I guess, but that just doesn't... sound or *feel* right to me. I don't think I'm in love, in the sense that it's usually meant, but I honestly wouldn't know, because I don't know what that feels like, or is supposed to feel like, or even if that's something that I experience. It's all been quite confusing and a bit distressing, honestly.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by telling you all this. I think I just needed to get it out. If you've read all of this, thanks for listening, please don't feel obligated to respond or anything. I hope you're having a good day [or night? afternoon? morning? idk]. I hope that whatever good news, or stroke of luck you may be waiting on arrives soon. <3

I hope you don't mind me giving a response, because I do have a couple thoughts I think you might find helpful. A lot of people have trouble differentiating between romantic and platonic attractions, and there's a few labels for it you can explore if you're interested:

Idemromantic: Someone who categorizes relationships as romantic or platonic but experiences no internal differences.

Platoniromantic: When someone experiences no difference between romantic and platonic attraction.

There's also alterous attraction, which is a type of attraction like romantic, sexual, sensual, etc. If you look at romantic and platonic as a binary, alterous is a non-binary option and it's a whole spectrum. So if what you're currently feeling doesn't feel right to call either platonic or romantic, this might be worth looking into to see if it feels right.

Another option to look into might be quoiromantic, which is going in another direction and it's not understanding or disidentifying with romance/romantic attraction/romantic orientation, or finding it inapplicable, inaccessible, nonsensical, etc. (This is a great page on the quoiromantic label).

That probably seems like a lot, don't be afraid to take your time looking through it and exploring. And hopefully it gives you some direction to look into and helps you figure things out.

Sometimes people do fall in love but are in denial about it, but I'm always surprised how quickly people are to jump to that conclusion, and usually based off very little. At the end of the day you're the only one who truly knows what you're experiencing, and you're the final authority on interpreting those feelings. If your gut is pushing you in a certain direction that's worth listening to.

I'm sorry you've been dealing with some distress, but hopefully this is helpful.

And thank you for the kind words! All the best, Anon, good luck!

[thegeminisage]

it's star trek update time. last night we watched ds9's "profit and loss" and tng's "genesis."

profit and loss (ds9):

i was EATING! what an amazing episode. even though there was lots of quark and he's not normally my favorite

entire section with quark on his knees begging or whatever. that post thats like "gay people never flirt normally it's always shit like this"

my favorite part was that, in spite of all quark's begging and bribery, odo was like "yeah no i was gonna disobey orders anyway bc justice. this was fun though thanks" like my absolute KING and best friend odo startrek.

also, odo's complete and total disdain for the idea of romance........please. he's SOMEWHERE on the ace and/or aro spectrum. idk where but he is

AND GARAK! i'm sad he only had one conversation with bashir but i was so excited to see him and find out even a little bit more about him. i was like aw cm,on hes harmless hes just a little guy hes a gay little tailor and then they strongly implied he used to be an assassin and i had to pause the episode bc i got lightheaded

at first i didnt understand the end...like he informed on them and was gonna kill them to get back to cardassia and then just RANDOMLY changed his mind? but he told you what he was gonna do in his very first scene. it's loyalty to the state before loyalty to loved ones - or, yes, even the self. his 180 was a little abrupt, but i totally got it once i thought about it. the depth of the love he has for a place that ??? tossed him out ??? i guess? is pretty amazing

my only real complain about this episode was that they fumbled quark a little. that episode where he was in a quasi-romance with that cross-dressing ferengi actually gave us a good set-up - he does have a soul/conscience/whatever and IS capable of caring about other people, even more more than he cares about his assets (like the bar) - in both this episode and that one, he was perfectly willing to throw away the bar for a love interest. but in that other episode, he wasn't willing to live and be with that other ferengi unless she conformed to HIS idea of how women should be. in this one, he was briefly entertaining the idea of throwing away his entire life to go fight this lady's cause with her (which i don't think he could have followed through with), but absolutely nobody brought up "if you love her you have to give her agency and let her do what she wants ie leave" or at the VERY least "it's creepy/selfish to try and blackmail her into more or less marrying you." like, no, you don't need to spoonfeed the audience, WE know it's creepy, but her students going "yeah no let her stay!" was bonkers. and then when he did let her leave (and decided not to go with her even though he'd offered to do that earlier) it was just because he...had no choice?

idk, i feel like "quark sold food to starving bajorans even though it was illegal" does a LOT to humanize him, and in a GREAT way because plausibly he could go "yeah well the bajorans had money and i like money" to deny he has a conscience or whatever. AND IT WAS A THROWAWAY LINE. meanwhile he spent half this episode being creepy to this poor cardassian lady and it kind of undoes all that...? i'm not saying i DON'T want quark to be selfish and secretly a goody two-shoes, but i do want him to care about SOMETHING in a way that's like, if not totally unselfish, at least in a manner that has depth. "i like this lady so i want her to stay here forever and forget logic and also whatever she wants" is pretty much the least complex kind of romance you could give him. it works as a STARTING point, but if the endpoint is him just letting her leave because he quite literally has no choice, there wasn't much of a point to any of it plotwise, even if his non-sexist antics were extremely fun to watch in this episode

genesis (tng):

if spot transformed into an iguana right as she was finished giving birth to her kittens and they were a day old when data and picard found them, that means those newborn kittens did not eat for a full 24 hours and picard and data left them in data's quarters without feeding them or caring for them at all, which is perhaps the gravest sin either of them has ever committed

newborn kittens can only last a few hours without nursing - after half a day, they'd all be gone. and SOMEHOW they're still alive even though NO ONE HAS FED THEM and they don't even stop to feed them like we SAW them leave you can't even pretend they just did it offscreen between scenes. like are you kidding

ALSO, spot and all the other cats aboard this fucking spaceship should be fixed??? i hate to accuse my best friend data of being an irresponsible pet parent but there it is :/

i would never take my cats into space. they don't even like car rides. how can you drive this ship into a planet when there are children AND CATS aboard?? i hate tng so deeply

anyway, doing all of that to worf was racist and worf biting deanna in the bath was rapey. no wonder the actors hated worf e deanna almost every single one of their scenes together has been awful. -1000000/10 this might be my least favorite episode of tng i've ever watched

TONIGHT: ds9's "blood oath" and tng's "journey's end" and yes ik what that one is about and i am full of dread

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

hii!! First oft all i just wanted to say i love this blog and have found great comfort in reading the anons and answers people have left them before <3 this is awesome, to just see the community get together💖

sooo i've known for certain that I am somewhere on both the asexual & a romantic spectrum for a while now, and the concept of qprs is just something that is so interesting to me, and I often see posts where aro ppl enthusiastically support other aros just trying it out to see if it fits them or finding out how they feel about their identity through trying them, and that's great and all but besides the fact that I'm still not sure if me wanting to try it out is possibly rooted in internalised amatonormativity, I just wonder just where do these people find someone that understands what in entails, is cool with it, knows about aspec identities enough to want to try it with you, & don't make it awkward by misunderstanding the purpose??? maybe it's more widespread in English speaking countries (because to be fair most of the lingo was developed according to american culture etc but that's another thing entirely) but here people don't even know that aspec people are a thing even in queer communities. It really feels like there's no one who would even be down to try a QPR because most queer identities are so interwoven with the love/ sex aspects of it all (all the people I've met don't want a relationship if not for those two components), and people misunderstand the concept completely if you try to explain.... and, well, it's hard to 'experiment' when there is not even a community of aspec or even aspec conscious people out there. Sometimes it feels very polarising how much more awareness there is online (even if it's still not enough in my opinion) compared to how little is possible in the "real world". Idk maybe it's really a non-English-speaking-country thing but does anyone have similar experiences? And to anyone in a QPR: how ????

Yeah I think you're likely not wrong about being in an area that speaks a different language/being in a different country is part of it. Every culture has its own queer community and they're not going to line up one for one. And yeah definitely QPRs will be more well-known than others.

I do think there are other non-English or majority English speaking countries with a-spec movements (India I know has a couple major ace groups and Japan has some media coming out lately with a-spec characters). But that will differ from culture to culture. I do know in English speaking countries, ace and aro people were basically not known at all in queer spaces when I was first figuring out my identity back around 2010ish, and before 2001 the modern community didn't really exist (there have always been aces and aros, but they seem to pop up sporadically in ace/aro history before that. And online presence allowed the creation of a more cohesive community). Now most major lgbtqia+ orgs recognize and support aces and aros, so it can happen really quickly.

This might actually be hopeful news for you, but I do think even in the wider lgbtqia community, and definitely outside of lgbtqia spaces QPRs still aren't really well known. And a lot of people I know QPRs with an allo person did have to explain the concept. This though is also something that may vary by culture, here in the English speaking west, I think we're a bit starved for meaningful platonic connections, so that may be a factor. But I do think in general people like the idea of a QPR once they understand it. A lot of time too people will propose to concept of a QPR to someone they're already very close to. So that may help too.

I'll put this out to followers too. Anyone from non-English speaking have any thoughts on this? Any experiences they want to share?