#idk just anyone help ill pay back but im just sweating trying to figure this out

[abushelandablog]

Hi,

So I woke up and after budgeting and being careful for the most part I got this notification and now I’m freaking out because I don’t get paid until Thursday night and I have to go to work which costs money because I don’t drive and I only have the one debit card and it’s 6 AM and I’m having a anxiety attack or on the brink bc idk what I will do and my mom is attached to my card and if she finds out I will be extremely in trouble and quite possibly then some and I can’t breathe and and and

[billypilgrimisunstuck-blog]

I should be completely disconnected from him now…

So here we go. From this point on, this will be my journal. You don’t know who I am if you stumble upon this & that is better for me.

I don’t like writing in note books bc someone can stumble over that & honestly at least this is what I’ve chosen to share… That’s important to me, having a choice in what I am & am not open about.

My sister told me everyone copes differently, & this is just my way.

I was going to go on a tech purge, but I feel so isolated doing that… I don’t like being disconnected from the outside world. It’s not good for people like me. I’m alone in real life right now bc my sister is on vacation w/ her fiance & my little brother.

So disconnecting completely from the outside world is a bad idea, I get extremely paranoid. For example last night I slept with a knife beside the couch, because it was my first night sleeping completely by myself in a long time.

I’m always paranoid… That’s never going to go away. Ever since I was little I used to run & hide when I heard cars coming because I was afraid someone was coming to get me…

I’m being open about this now because honestly I’ve gotten a little numb to it. Sometimes I get scared, but today, I figure if someone is watching what does it really matter. Because at this point they’ve probably seen the worst of me.

So let’s be open. I’m crazy. I’m schizoaffective w/ Bipolar I officially diagnosed twice. I do hear voices, that wasn’t a lie. I do see things sometimes. That also wasn’t a lie. I am paranoid. I sometimes can’t speak right… & My brain does get slower. Perhaps not as bad as I make it out to be… But I feel like sometimes if I don’t exaggerate no one will believe how serious my condition is.

I pass out sometimes… Not all the time. I think it’s bc of anxiety.

I get really bad panic attacks & I do dissociate. Perhaps it’s not as bad as I made it out to be too…

The panic attacks are though. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe & my chest starts to hurt really badly. My right hand shakes violently… My left not as much.

I was molested by a female cousin at 7. I was raped my first time at 16. I moved out of my mom’s at 17 bc she wanted to kick out a girl who was pregnant. Turns out the girl wasn’t pregnant. But it still didn’t make it ok.

I moved in with the girl & met a guy… A real fucking asshole. I fell head over heels for him. One of his crazy ex girl friends pulled a butcher knife on me & waved it in my face bc my friend slept with her current boyfriend & the girl w/ the knife was pregnant with his baby. She also kicked the shit out of my poor cat. As did the man I was with, & then he took the cat & dropped it in the middle of nowhere.

I did get addicted to coke bc of him or perhaps bc I was stupid. I detoxed alone at my mother’s & was somehow able to hide it from her… Shakes, sweats, hallucinating bc of my schizophrenia, vomiting, it fucking sucked. She never noticed. Probably bc she was too busy trying to fuck everything that moved & was an alcoholic.

He would fuck me so hard I would bleed… So I was told I might not be able to have children… I don’t know if that’s true, but Im not mature enough to have kids right now anyways.

I’m still too selfish.

I moved to St. Augustine after that. Met a girl with a boyfriend… I liked her a lot. Him not so much. We fooled around a bit before he walked in. He wanted to join in & I wasn’t in to it. I don’t feel comfortable w/ 3 somes.

I left & went home. I felt like shit bc I helped her cheat. She moved away.

Then I met my current husband soon to be ex. He seemed nice. He wasn’t. He did rape me. It was after a party. He got too drunk. He also treated me like his fucking kid. He controlled everything. & Although he didn’t beat me everyday there was physical abuse & verbal.

Everything I did he criticized.

& So I went back to thinking someone who didn’t know I exist might love me… Might actually care…

But I’m crazy, remember. So I thought I had a chance…

This person is amazing… Yeah they were human. Yeah they fucked up too… But to me they were special. Smart, funny, kind, no nonsense… But mostly they were honest.

They spoke their mind & didn’t hide who they were. I crave that I guess.

I mean yes they are attractive… But it’s not as important. I’ve dated guys covered in acne, large men, too thin guys, beautiful but insane girls, guys covered in hair…

Looks aren’t important… Not as much as personality.

& The last time I fell, I was tricked… Someone on a parody account on Twitter fucked with my head badly… & I fell for it. I thought they were him…

Same thing happened this time on Reddit…

I think every mysterious person is him… Except this time I invited him…

It was stupid of me. Bc I know I’m not his type. I’m not super attractive. I’m not ugly, but I’m no super model either.

I just want someone who values me for who I am…

Maybe one day.

But for now I’m trying to be better… Trying to learn not to be selfish & to be more open, honest, & less aggressive. I don’t want to change who I am… But I don’t want to be a monster either. I’m tired of being Frankenstein’s Creature.

Killing everything I misunderstand.

It’s really hard. Old memories keep coming back. Awful shit I’ve been through. Awful shit done to me or that I’ve done to others…

& The voices won’t fucking stop about it… Just always tearing me down, making me feel awful.

Perhaps that’s why I was too scared to talk to him… Bc They made me feel like shit.

& Idk what that dream was about honestly… I always assume everything.

But I’m still here… Still trying.

& I didn’t try to kill myself bc of him… He had nothing to do with it… I don’t think he was really ever paying attention. & I’m not mad at him for that.

I just felt trapped. My family & I weren’t talking bc I fucked everything up with them, my mom was not a good place for me to go. I felt like a burden to everyone else…

So I tried… I tried twice but the blade was too dull… I don’t even get to have a cool survival scar bc that’s how fucking dull the exact knife was…

Then I had to beg to go to inpatient bc my soon ex said we couldn’t afford it…

Money was always more important to him. That & his fucking racist friend.

I understand, it was his only friend, but the guys constantly talked shit about everything. Mental illness, black people, it was too much…

I couldn’t sit there one more day & listen to my husband agree & then act differently when he left…

& I didn’t feel safe, so it spiked my paranoia bad.

I don’t remember everything right now. One of my symptoms is that my memory is shot… But if I think of anything I’ll add it later.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this… Right now I don’t care… I just needed to get it out without being sexualized…

I tried opening up to someone & they tried fucking with my head too…

I tried to be nice to them, I gave them my number bc they felt down & needed someone to talk to. I sent them funny videos to try to cheer them up. I gave them a link to my Instagram bc they said people smiling made them happy…

Then they disappeared… Bc what they wanted was probably masturbation material…

I’m so tired of people doing this to me… Tired of being sexualized & treated like a toy… Like property.

I just want love… Just once. Real love. Not lies or abuse or sodomy.

I want someone to grow old with. To sing with. To share books & art with… To love & be loved as we are…

But I guess I have a long way to go before then.

If it ever happens.