#idk ive been super on the fence lately

[montanamp3]

tfw lunar new year and ash wednesday back to back

[youtubegirl]

i would rather be able to handle the turbulance of life, be somewhat level headed in a way that is true to my spontaneous nature, have strong relationships among family and friends, continuously develop my hobbies, continuously read and write, be kind always, be understanding and gracious always, be a good conversationalist, listen thoughtfully to people when they talk to me, consider my place in the world, work to make sure im making some kind of positive contribution to the world, take care of my body and my mind and my heart and my soul, all that than to have the most connections or to be very financially well off or to have a really stressful job. idk ive been thinking about it lately and im so on the fence. i feel like i have to be very aware of myself and make sure i never make excuses for laziness. but who the ffuuuuck actually does all that stuff that takes care of your souul. its really hard. its a full time job to take care of your self and to try and be someone that you are proud of. i also never want to get in a mindset where i feel super guilty for not doing all those good things. ok end of post im losing my momentum but im onto something

[moonchildstyles]

-

[clumsyclifford]

u know what. i will give u all the lore u want. i’m 18, will be 19 decently soon so we are close to the same age. also the other band was r5. i have sent u asks about them and tde in the past. i followed you for atl content and got whiplash when u started posting about the first band i ever loved. i was like 10 when their first album dropped i have been around for entirely too long. i had a wattpad account and wrote r5 fanfic from the tender age of like 11-13. i discovered 5sos i don’t even remember how but i think the funniest part about it is that i never really got into their music?? i got into them as people by watching like interviews and compilations. and i mean at this point that was a While ago. SPEAKING OF FANFIC i did that like ao3 year in review thing like a month ago??? and you were my top author of the year so far. i read a lot of fic on ao3. your fics are very lovely and some of my favs. moving on. will not lie my music taste is kinda embarrassing and has barely changed since i was like 14 lmfao. been listening to a lot of waterparks lately. have been since their album dropped in may. i essentially go through phases of listening to solely one artist. or one playlist i made. most recently my taste has consisted of a lot of all time low, waterparks, paramore + hayley’s solo music (it really had to grow on me BUT now that it has it is very good), also been on a nostalgic r5 kick as well. hot take it has been quite difficult for me to get into tde’s music and i don’t really know why. some songs i absolutely adore (omg plz don’t come around is my fav by them. also scared of heights, feel you now, welcome to the end of your life are top songs too) but others i’m just. i have never liked preacher man and it’s the first song they released after they rebranded in like 2017. i love to see them finally free to do what they love music-wise but some of it is just. hard to listen to. i’m supposed to see them live in november (like 4 days before my birthday, kinda cool) and it’s the second time the show has been rescheduled so hopefully it happens. i’ve seen them live before but not since they rebranded. they’re dropping an album in october that i will have like a month to learn so it better be a fucking banger. now i’m just rambling about tde because i love ross and rocky with my entire being. rydel is annoying these days tho. also she named her baby fucking SUPER what kind of name is that why would you do that to a child. anyways. you ever need useless random r5 lore, i’m the person to ask. it’s the effect of being around to like a band for like 8 years. in conclusion my music taste? terrible. a cluster fuck. i will listen to luke’s solo album next time i’m focusing on a task because i like listening to new music when i’m concentrating on something. there’s some other bella lore for the day. - other bella

OH ALSO yeah idk. i’m currently on mobile. when i looked at your blog on mobile the first time last night it was blue. but now it’s pink. i have yet to see it on desktop but when i do i am sure it will be equally as pretty. - other bella again

hell YES some other bella lore. let's dig in

oooooh how soon? whens your birthday? 👀👀👀

ahhh yes i do remember the r5 asks !!!! that was a fun little era of clumsyclifford content huh. dont worry i wrote 1d fic on wattpad from ages 11-13 as well sooo same hat. that is super funny tho actually that you never bothered to listen to their music u really were staying loyal to r5 good for you

ao3 year in review???????????? say more?????? what is this?????????? thats very flattering regardless omg im going to ask you what your favorites are because im a leo just kidding its because i crave validation and im curious what ones you read/have read. also thank you for reading my fics lol

oh yeah theres a new parx album!! i dont listen actively to them but i really like all the parx music i know. im scared to get really into them because im genuinely afraid to fall in love with awsten knight. like im not joking thats the reason. i have to listen to more of their music tho cos i really enjoy what i know so...if you have recs...👀 i'm listening

mm thats a good lineup of music to listen to!! paramore is another band i never got super into, i meant to and then i listened to all of riot and then i learned that hayley williams is like pretty christian and that a few paramore songs are more christian than i anticipated and now i'm like. on the fence about it all. but i wanna listen to after laughter i just havent gotten around to it yet. and i did like riot. i like paramore. i like dead horse by hayley, i didnt like the other single she released, and i didnt listen to her solo music because i didnt like the first single so im not sure if i would actually like it? i am accepting vibe checks in that category though i dont really know what kinda music it is. actually now that im thinking about it doesnt she have two albums now???? i feel like the answer is yes. anyway. moving on

that is very fair the thing abt the tde stuff is that it's all so interesting and so different from every other tde song like they really just do something unique in each song which i think is awesome but also makes it hard to like every song bc it's not like one universal vibe you kinda have to decide for each song if you're enjoying it or not. i do LOVEEEE tde though, im very jealous that you're seeing them perform. although i dont know why im not, just looked it up and theyre gonna be in new york on november 24th which is a sunday so i miiiight.....be able to go.......maybe...........their website says the 25th which is a monday so maybe i was under the impression the show was on a monday?? but the ticket site says sunday. 👀 we will just...have to see......what we see.............

ANYWAY

RIGHT im so excited for their album i was mistakenly thinking it was coming out the same night as luke's but it was just the new single which i really liked on a first listen but have to listen to again cos ive only heard it the one time. but i hope it fucks. they announced that the album is called girlfriend which personally i think is really fun so i have high hopes

SHE NAMED HER CHILD FUCKIN WHAT NOW???????????????

wait eight years thats a long time but also thats roughly how long ive been around 1d wtf........insane. madness. and in fairness probably roughly how long ive been around 5sos but i took a hiatus from both of those bands during high school so im not sure how much i can count all of those years. ive been around all time low for six years though, that's pretty good. anywayyyy i hope you like luke's album but no pressure man listen whenever you feel like it. LOVE YOU

[feralseraph]

Tag game, tagged by @wulfsbaiine

here are the rules:

Rule 1- post the rules.

Rule 2 - answer the questions the person who tagged you asked and write 10 new ones.

Rule 3 - tag 10 people and link them to the post.

Rule 4 - actually tell them you tagged them. (um im just gonna tag a few people and if you wanna do it that’s cool. if you don’t wanna write new questions that’s also cool. love you)

I. What's a bit of prose or song lyric that's sticking with you right now?

“I knew I was lost inside the world, watching it and trying to understand why too often I felt like I was standing just beyond the frame—of everything.”

Jacqueline Woodson, Another Brooklyn

II. Tell me about your pet peeves.

people who are wrong as hell being smug as hell. people chewing with their godforsaken mouths open. when someone doesn’t peel away the seal of something in the fridge. like, when yogurt containers have that plastic peel away seal under the lid and people just leave the seal half way on. just peel it tf off and throw it away.

III. What's a super niche thing you're really into?

hm, collecting dead bugs i find? i only have a couple tho. i really love reading about childbirth. and watching birth videos. also, i’ve been doing so many puzzles over the past few months that’s i’ve started having puzzle brand preferences. idk how niche any of these are tho lol

IV. Describe your ideal monster.

an ancient god who isn’t so much malevolent as they just don’t really fit in this world and the ways of humans are of no concern to them, so if they are summoned or if they have some mission here on earth, they aren’t swayed by whatever destruction they cause in order to complete what they came here for. not really because they don’t care about life on this planet, but just that if doesn’t occur to them to be absurd. they’re nowhere near human so they can’t possibly relate to human experience and emotion.

V. What kind of villain would you be? Or would you be the hero?

arch nemesis. im a scorpio.

VI. What's the least favorite book you've ever read? Aka tell me about a book you read that's awful.

maybe it was just because i was a century too late, but carmilla was really boring. also, when i was in high school, i did indeed read twilight. and then i read new moon and i was like, hm ok not as engrossing as the first. then i read eclipse and i was like, wait this is so bad. and then i saw twilight in theaters and i was like omg no wait this whole series is really bad what am i doing. when i read eclipse a light bulb went off and i was awake to the low quality story.

VII. If you believed in essences and souls and shit, what color would yours be?

red

VIII. Favorite shitty way to get drunk?

ok, i don’t drink anymore, but when i did i would literally just get a big cup, put 4 ounces of literally any liquor and then fill the cup with juice and just get a straw and drink it as fast as possible. or i would just buy wine i could afford with a high alcohol content and chug it as fast as i could.  it’s probably obvious why i don’t drink anymore.

IX. What's your ideal way of making money?

by myself and not having to deal with people

X. Tell me about something weird that you saw or happened across

when i was a kid, our dog was in the yard and she was pawing at something and acting really weird so we went over. and there was like this worm/snake type thing. it was like a bluish/greenish color and it had a mouth but we couldn’t see eyes on it. and it was like long and thick. it was just so weird and i have never seen anything like it since. it might have been some weird worm our dog dug up or idk a fucked up snake, but it was so creepy. my dad scooped it up in a shovel and tossed it over the fence and im pretty sure i remember a bird picking it up and flying away with it.

ok so im tagging, @fleshphobe, @dragonwomyn, @invert-rights, @greenerskies, @bonke (if i didn’t tag you i just figured you may not be interested, but pls feel free to participate if you see this and want to do it)

New Questions <3 (go easy on me it’s late at night)

1. what cryptids/urban legends do you think are real?

2. what band/musician just somehow seems to speak to your soul?

3. top three favorite childhood movies?

4. what was the topic of the last argument you had?

5. if money wasn’t an issue, what style of house would you want to live in? (ex. log cabin, victorian, amorphous blob)

6. who is your favorite poet and when did you discover them?

7. how would you describe your fashion sense? how is it similar or different when you were a teen?

8. what was the worst present you ever received and who gave it to you?

9. what’s the last youtube video you watched?

10. do you have an accent? if so, what kind?

[dementedgnomicwizard]

i preplanned those tunnel tweets + made a list of specifically what pictures i wanted and finished making the worms earlier this morning so like i wasnt Winging It at all but it sure felt like it! bc weve only ever gone to the tunnels as a group before, but today the only time i could go was in the 25 minutes before my evening class and no one else was free then so i was like whatever ill just go get my pictures and then to class and it’s fine. so i put my little sandwich baggie full of worms in my pocket and went over to the machinery building, which is where the tunnel entrance is, but the entrance is in the basement and there’s two ways to get into the basement both of which are almost always locked so i was like well i’ll just check and see if either of them are open. and it turned out the freight elevator was allowing trips to the basement so i got in and went down

the freight elevator spits you out in like this really cluttered and fucked-up looking storage basement basically which is where the tunnel entrance is and while the tunnel is dark the basement itself is usually lit by these shitty fluorescents HOWEVER! today when the elevator doors opened it was absolutely completely dark in the entire enormous basement. but at that point i was like i made it over here, i have my worms, i have my photo list, i have time before class, and what are the odds the elevator will be working again, ill just use my flashlight who cares. so i turned my flashlight on and started picking my way through to the tunnel entrance, except i stopped and made a detour to take pics in that little office room because i thought it would sorta look like the room where they found gertrude’s body and i could make a fun joke about it  ANYWAY as i’m coming out of the office room i notice that the stairway door directly across from me is open, which is weird because they’re Never open because they don’t want us to go down there. so i was like, shit, maintenance and/or security are down here and my only way out is the super obvious elevator so ill just wait them out so i like turned my flashlight off and crouched behind a bunch of shit

anyway i just sort of huddled in the dark for a while and soon enough it became clear that no one was actually coming so i took advantage of my proximity to the ground to scatter some worms and take that first worm pic where im pointing. and then i was like okay, might as well get the tunnel bit over with. so the area of the basement where the mouth of the tunnel is is closed off with this big metal fence and there’s like a wire-mesh on the front with a huge padlock only years and years of horrible college students have managed to sort of beat the bottom half of the gate a few inches outwards + compromise its integrity enough that its easy to pull far enough open for someone else to slip through. however my problems today were 1) like i said ive only ever gone with a group before, meaning i’d always had someone to hold the gate open for me, and i had never attempted to get through without assistance before let alone back out and 2) the gate is RIGHT next to the stairs that i mentioned earlier were open when they usually never are. so i stood there for a minute like... okay, say i DO try to get through myself, and i get stuck. OR, say that happens and THEN whoever was working down here comes back and im stuck so i get caught and in trouble.

and then i was like actually fuck it we ball so i like. sort of just got down fully on the ground (which was gross btw do not recommend) and like rolled and twisted and pushed myself around until i wiggled through. that was the moment when i sort of started to accept just how much tunnel dirt i was gonna be covered in by the end but it was so far past too late to back out so i headed into the tunnel entrance. it gets TRULY dark like really really soon after you walk in also like i thought the basement outside was dark because the lights were off but the tunnels are like....  DARK. anyway i stopped halfway down the entry tunnel to try and set up the like “worm door outline” thing from after MAG39 and like initially i had thought that i could figure out an okay way to at least temporarily get them on the wall bc theyre made of latex and super light but it was quickly apparent that that would not be the case so i found a patch of the floor that looked smooth enough to be a wall and set it up on there instead. so i’m like. squatting on the floor in this very dark and kind of gross tunnel, and i have my phone laying on the ground next to me flashlight-side-up so i can see as well as use both hands to dig cold little latex worms out of a sandwich baggie and arrange them in a pattern on the ground and the flashlight was lighting up the tunnel in the most fucked up way and it was dead silent and the WHOLE time i was like, and this is the moment when like a maintenance worker turns the corner and finds me and is just like, hello??? theres some clown playing with worms in the tunnel????

anyway that did not happen and instead i got my little doorway set up and then it was time to take the first pic (of the worm door by itself without me in it) which was when i realized that when i open my camera app my phone forcibly turns the flashlight off so every time i wanted to take a picture in the tunnels i was gonna have to turn my light off and just like chill alone in the pitch dark in a tiny tunnel for however long it took me to take each photo and i was like hm okay wig i guess so i took the door pic and then it took me like four tries to get myself positioned right for the cringe ass fail worms one because, surprisingly, it is difficult to position yourself directly in the center of an archway of worms that you cannot see, and while i was doing all those failed tries i got to spend a lot of time laying splayed out on my back in the dark on the tunnel floor anyway i got it finally so i just sort of kicked the worms to the sides and kept going in further. to get to the pit you have to turn left at the first fork and then take a right and then theres this weird like step? thing? in the middle of the tunnel and if youre me you have to do a super awkward crabwalk limbo step thing to get over it because the pipes on the ceiling above it are hot and the step comes up to like 6 inches below the pipe but also i dont like to touch the top of the step because its gross. so its always a production. this time i think they had worked on that pipe recently or something because it was leaking so the step was wet and the pipe dripped hot water onto my neck while i was crawling under it LMAO

anyway from there its a straight shot and it opens out into this like larger room near the entrance to the engine room and the pit is right at the edge of where the dirt of the tunnel turns into the concrete of the room floor. and theyve like half-covered the top of it in wooden planks but theyre not held down so when you have to step on them just for a second to get out of the tunnel its so nervewracking. theres overhead lights in that room though so that was nice idk if i couldve managed the flashlight-camera-transition in the dark AND one-handed. so i took my from-above tunnel pic and then i was like (checks my photos list) “well...... i did say id get two from inside the pit.” i had actually never been in the pit before because the other two times i’ve gone to the tunnels i’ve been with other people and they would barely even let me get near it let alone get on the ladder. so i was like well i guess there is a first time for everything so i put my phone in my back pocket and ducked under the little yellow chain they have up and started going down the ladder and i got like 8? maybe 10? feet down before i thought to look down again and let me just say..... all the times we had looked into that pit from above we had never guessed anywhere CLOSE to how deep it actually was. thats all. so i was like.... um i was expecting to be able to like, stand on solid ground while i take this pit selfie, but that was clearly not going to be an option, but also i had committed this far already to getting these pics from the pit so i was like ugh i guess and hooked my one arm over the ladder so i could get my phone out w the other hand and take the pics from in there. and then i climbed back out. the ladder rungs made my hands SO gross and dirty with rust i was like eugh eugh.

but after that the only picture left to take was the one w my pen and the only way for me to go was back out towards the entrance so i was like its fine im almost done. so i went back out until i got to the tunnel after the first fork and i was like cool here’s a good a place as any so i got my pen ready + went to get my camera out, and literally RIGHT as the flashlight went out and the camera app opened i was like SO sure i saw something move vaguely in the darkness to my right like REALLY close to me shoulder height so i was like uhhh no and took a flash photo more out of reflex than anything and i didnt see anything but also the flash lit up for like,  one second and then it was dark again so i like switched back to the flashlight really quick and obviously it was just a normal tunnel and i was the only one there so i opened the camera app again to try to take the pic again and literally just like the first time right as the flashlight turned off i was soooo sure something moved right next to me like so close but i was like “nell. youre being insane.” so i didnt do anything and i just took like three more possible variations on the pic i wanted and then i turned my flashlight back on and once again obviously nothing was amiss so i was like epic win and went back out the tunnel entrance. and then i was like............. oh god i have to do the gate squirm again. but there was no other way so i just did it really fast before i could really get worked up about it lol and then i went back over to the freight elevator only when i pressed the button it would light up and then immediately go dark when i unpressed it and i was like oh fuck because 90% of the time when you get in on the ground floor this elevator literally refuses to take you to the basement and i was like oh no it re-locked while i was down here and now i can’t get up this way so im just like in this basement for the foreseeable future but then of course as i was going down that tangent the elevator doors opened and i stepped into the fluorescent light and looked down and was like wow i am just so thoroughly, completely, orangely covered in dirt. but i made it home with like 5 minutes to wash up a bit before my evening class so that was a win! i did learn however that i should never take my evening dose of adderall directly after a bit of minor breaking&entering while the adrenaline is still there because when i got to class i almost jackhammered a hole through the floor with my shakyleg

[heyjesper]

tysm @saradathewitch for tagging me!!! im gonna tag @frances-janvier @wewriteletters @liabllity and anyone else who wants to do it bc i cant think of 20 people rules: you must answer these 83 statements and tag 20 people Last…
1. drink? water 2. phone call? my mom 3. text message? to this musicals discord server im in asking what the hot gossip was 4. song you listened to? castle on the hill by ed sheeran 5. time you cried? 3 days ago at great comet (marya and helene making out made my cry bc i was so happy lmao) 
Have you ever…
6. dated someone twice? nope!!! never dated someone once!!! 7. kissed someone and regretted it? no 8. been cheated on? no 9. lost someone special? not really? 10. been depressed? no 11. gotten drunk and thrown up? nope
Favourite colours:
12. aqua/teal/mint/whatever 13. purple 14. pink (altho im also partial to yellow)
In the last year, have you…
15. made new friends? defo!!! ive gotten a lot closer w some people and honestly its so nice 16. fallen out of love? yeah i think 17. laughed until you cried? yea!!! 18. found out someone was talking about you? no 19. met someone who changed you? kind of 20. found out who your friends are? i mean i already knew? 21. kissed someone on your facebook list? i don’t have a facebook lmaooo
General:
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? again i don’t have a facebook 23. do you have any pets? nope! i used to have a fish tho 24. do you want to change your name? i like my name a lot even tho i get mixed up w other people a lot i don’t think id change it if i could 25. what did you do for your last birthday? studied for my bio final lmfao 26. what time did you wake up? like 10:30 27. what were you doing at midnight last night? i think watching athony rosenthals youtube channel he’s such a good kid i love him 28. name something you can’t wait for: being at the beach tomorrow!!!!! 29. when was the last time you saw your mom? i can see hr rn lmao 30. what are you listening to right now? some bruno mars song on the radio 31. have you ever talked to a person named Tom? not that i know of?? 32. something that is getting on your nerves? the shorts im wearing rn are like One size too small and im Uncomfortable 33. most visited website? probably tumblr i crave death 34. hair colour? dark brown 35. long or short hair? it’s the Bisexual Haircut rn 36. do you have a crush on someone? sort of? i def did but i haven’t seen them in a while so it might have died down 37. what do you like about yourself? my hair and freckles and personality!!! ive been feeling v positive about myself lately!!! 38. piercings: nope they scare me 39. blood type: idk lmao 40. nickname: i kind of hate nicknames? if someone who’s not like. In my family calls me a nickname im just rly uncomfortable 41. relationship status: single ! 42. zodiac: gemini 43. pronouns: she/her 44. favourite tv show: i dont really have a favorite but i just caught up w the flash recently and it was super good 45. tattoos: nope 46. right or left handed: right 47. surgery: i broke my arm when i was 5 but that was the last time i had surgery (unless you count getting teeth taken out) 
48. sport: im a goalie in soccer and i fence and do a little bit of volleyball!!! 
49. vacation: the beach!!! 
50. pair of trainers: ok i honestly have no idea what this is saying but i have a pair of converse i like a lot? 
More General:
51. eating: im not eating anything rn? 
52. drinking: im not drinking anything either? 53. im about to: sit in this car for 4 more hours 54. waiting for?: nothing really? 55. want?: cute clothes + to kiss someone 56. get married?: im gonna cross that bridge when i come 2 it 57. career?: again im gonna cross that bridge when i come 2 it idk what i wanna do
Which is Better
58. hugs or kisses?: both!!! 59. lips or eyes?: eyes 60. shorter or taller?: it doesn’t matter 2 me ! 61. older or younger?: like….my age 62. nice arms or nice stomach?: idk? i haven’t really thought abt that 63. hook up or relationship?: relationship 64. troublemaker or hesitant?: what does this apply to lmfao
Have You Ever 
65. kissed a stranger: no 66. drank hard liquor: no 67. lost glasses/contact lenses: no 68. turned someone down: yeah lmao 69. had sex on the first date: no! ive never been on a date 70. broken someones heart: i really hope not but there is a possibility 71. had your heart broken: nope 72. been arrested: no 73. cried when someone died: yes 74. fallen for a friend: yeah its hell 
Do You Believe In: 
75. yourself? yes but also not at all 76. miracles? not really whoops i wish i did 77. love at first sight? well i mean i believe in “i think youre attractive” at first sight 78. santa claus? no 79. kiss on the first date? sure? 
80. angels? idk ? 
Other
81. current best friend’s name? emma!!! shes so great i love her 82. eye colour: brownish hazelish 83. favourite movie: i can’t really pick one whoops

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

[sadrien]

Ok so YES I love the long distance internet friends au but consider! Long distance wrong number au

honestly anon, thank you so much for this tonight. 

i took long distance and made it loooooong distance to the point where it probably doesn’t make sense, but ~~suspension of disbelief~~

texts between adrien and the mystery person (wow i wonder who) are in italics because theyre in french. also i didnt want to bother anyone so ‘numéro inconnu’ is from google translate so im sorry for….that

finally i tried to streamline how i do texts for this just because the way i do texts is usually a lot clunkier? so it looks more like wanna chat but isnt in like….the contact names are still what the other person would see? like when it says pretty boy thats ninos contact name for adrien and—

frick just tell me if its too confusing and tell me how to fix it im really tired

[on ao3 in case the read more is a butt and wont open]

2:51 PM unknown number: Did this work????? unknown number: a;slkdfjadj its me btw unknown number: I mean duh its me who else would it be unknown number: If you screenshot this conversation al I swear to go d Ill kill you

Adrien squints at his phone. Not only does he not know this number, but the text are in French. That’s…unusual. He thinks that it’s a lucky coincidence that his father is from France and insisted he learned the language before replying.

2:52 PM numéro inconnu: I think you might have the wrong number. numéro inconnu: Sorry if my French is bad I don’t speak it often and I write it even less

unknown number: Ohmogd unknown number: IM SOSO RRY  IDNT MEAN OT unknown number: AHHHHH I MUSTCE TYPED IT IN WRONG???????? unknown number: Im sorry IM osrry Im sorry Im s orry Im sorry!!!!!!!!!! ; ^ ;

It takes Adrien a minute to translate the texts with the typos. He’s not nearly as fluent as he thought he was. His dad will be thrilled about that. Maybe he needs to mention to Nathalie that starting Chinese has left him a little rusty with his French…

Not that this is going to be a thing. Because it’s not. He’s not going to keep texting some random stranger from— Wait a minute.

2:54 PM numéro inconnu: On the off chance of sounding really stalkery numéro inconnu: (I’m not sure if that’s the right word, I had to use Google Translate) numéro inconnu: Do you live in France?

Yup. That question is just as creepy as it sounded in his head. Adrien spins slowly in his chair as he waits for a response, completely disregarding the homework he needs to have done before he leaves for fencing.

2:57 PM unknown number: Ummm unknown number: I dont know if i should be telling you this random stranger I texted by accident unknown number: But seeing that its a big country unknown number: ANd idk how youd find me to like murder me or something unknown number: Yes. Im from France unknown number: Why??

3:01 PM numéro inconnu: It’s just that numéro inconnu: I live in the United States so… numéro inconnu: I’m trying to figure out how you got a wrong number that…wrong numéro inconnu: That sounded mean I’m sorry!!!!!!!

Adrien puts down his phone and groans. Scaring people off from literally an ocean away. He’s always known he’s not the greatest at socializing but this is some next level shit. He stares at his darkened phone screen for a minute before deciding that whoever he’s been texting is probably extremely weirded out and won’t be replying.

He’s strangely disappointed by that.

And while he could go back to doing physics work, he’s not going to. Because now he’s distracted and he doesn’t really want to be thinking about sound waves right now. Maybe in like fifteen minute, because sound waves are cool and add a whole new layer to music that he kind of loves, but not right this second.

The next time his chair spins past the desk, he grabs his phone and pulls up his conversation with Nino.

3:09 PM pretty boy: Have you ever been texted by someone who has the wrong number before?

duuuude: yup duuuude: it was weird af duuuude: didnt turn into a full convo cause they never responded

pretty boy: What did they send?

duuuude: a rad horse painting and the message ‘jen painted another horse’

pretty boy: Ok wow yeah that is kind of weird

duuuude: yeah i didnt respond duuuude: but then the next day they asked about florida?? and flooding??? and were like yo have you seen or called anyone and i was like oh shit i should probably respond because this seems important incase theyre looking for someone

pretty boy: Yeah that sounds like a smart move pretty boy: Did you ever hear back from them

duuuude: nah duuuude: unfortunate too i wouldve loved to see more horse drawings duuuude: anyway that was kinda a random question any reason why you ask?

pretty boy: I got a text from a wrong number pretty boy: From France

duuuude: what the fuck duuuude: bruh international texting fees duuuude: good thing youre rich my dude

pretty boy: Nah it’s ok it was all iMessage

duuuude: bless duuuude: so was it like duuuude: in french

pretty boy: Yup

duuuude: aw man you lucked out duuuude: is it like a full conversaiton??

pretty boy: Idk they haven’t responded in like 15 minutes pretty boy: It was nice while it lasted

duuuude: :/ rip

Adrien blinks in surprise when a notification from the unknown number pops up at the top of the screen. He clicks it immediately, not even reading any of the text before he does.

3:27 PM unknown number: I dont?????? KNow???????????? unknown number: My friend got a new phone and wrote her number on my arm but her writing is always kinda a mess and also I smudged the numbers because IM a mess and I unknown number: Somehow???? unknown number: PLUS I managed to add the us country code????

numéro inconnu: Well I’m pretty sure that’s just a 1 so that’s understandable

unknown number: And any other numbers I needed??? Hwo did I?? unknown number: I don t know how I did it D: unknown number: Ohmy god and I just realized you probably dont want a million texts from a total stranger in a language you barely speak?? unknown number: IM SO SORRY ILL STOP NOW unknown number: YOU SEEM REALLY NICE SORRY FOR WASTING YORU TIME unknown number: OK BYE

3:36 PM numéro inconnu: It’s fine! numéro inconnu: My dad is actually from Paris so I do know French numéro inconnu: I can’t really say I’m totally fluent in it but I spoke it a lot when I was little numéro inconnu: This is good practice! numéro inconnu: And you’re weren’t wasting my time at all, I promise

Good going, Agreste, he thinks to himself. Over enthusiastic and weird. He tries not to think about it too much and goes back to physics. Physics with its constant equations and complex numbers and waves and waves and waves and waves. It gets a little easier when he’s able to connect it to something he knows. He can hear frequency in his music and beats when he tries to tune instruments. He finds his fingers itching to spread across the black and white piano keys and lose themselves in the music.

By the time Nathalie is calling him for fencing, he’s mostly forgotten about the conversation he had with the stranger across the sea. Not entirely, it’s still in the back of his mind, but he’s moved past the disappointment of likely never speaking to them again. While he’s fencing, his mind has no room for those thoughts and he throws them away. He won’t be needing them again.

When Adrien checks his phone after practice for schedule updates from Nathalie or texts about the weekend from Nino, he finds a single text in French at the bottom of his pile of notifications.

He can’t stop himself from smiling as he opens it. He’s not exactly sure what time it is in France right now, he assumes it’s fairly late and doesn’t expect a response anytime soon, but he replies quickly anyway. His reply is short and simple, but he doesn’t know what else to say, so it’ll have to be enough for now.

Maybe this is a one time thing. Maybe it isn’t. He’d like it to be the latter, but right now, he’s just winging it.

4:02 PM unknown number: Well if youre really really sure… I mean I wouldnt be talking to you often obviously!!! But it might be cool to know more about America? Ive always wanted to visit and wow this probably is super weird and Im so sorry for that like this conversation hasnt been weird enough already ahahahhhhhhhhh but um. I just mean to say that if you wanted to maybe keep talking I wouldnt mind?

5:19 PM numéro inconnu: I’d love to keep talking if you want to! :)

[gauntlaet]

can you talk a little about the member of you group? like what do you think of them?

HELL YEAH I CAN I LUV MY EGGOS

@crawleymade gal,,, my sunshine and tru love.   i havent known gal for that long but i cannot imagine ever writing with anyone else tbh.   as a person, shes just fantastic !   the one true meme lord and #roasted af but also,  shes kind and caring and has been there for me during hard times.   shes an amazing person and her writing blows me away !   i dont think i could ever write w/ another jacob as gal has spoiled me with her characterization 

@giveusdeath nasti piece of gross 0/10 hate u.   even if ely is always late when we go to the movies,  i love him.   i’ve known ely for like,,,, several years now ?   we live in the same town and used to go to the same high school and tbh,,, id probs die for him.   hes great and funny and fucking stupid and drives me places and drinks too much redbull but he’s my fave and i dont wanna imagine my life without him

@roismorts despite the rough start,, ilysm.   i love everything about airon.   his writing, his accent and is hair.   im just forever heart eyes @ airon whenever we talk tbh.   hes chill and p funny most of the time when he isnt cracking jokes about the Hoe Ass !   doesnt take away frm the fact im super glad to have airon in my life and he da real mvp 👌👌👌

@ardenlier lena  !   my actual Wife.   she’s a golden sunshine and a gift 2 this world and fandom okey….   i legit luv and live for both lena and her writing.   like im not always élise’s biggest fan but lena is that 🙏🏻. she’s a gift 2 this world and this fandom,  okey.   shes so damn talented and generally such an amazing person that my eggo words fail 2 capture how utterly fantastic she is okay

@roidecles [ sok voice ]  lets boot julie frm the squad,,,,   oky but 4 as much as i shit on sok and say she twerks 4 jesus,, i luv her so much holy shit like u cannot believe it.   ur the bomb diggity and noah fence,,, u da garbage qwueen and im ur garbage king   xox !   our ship is the One truuu even if louis luv marie more then evie i can live but nah folks,,,, sok is the mmMmm good shit here ya’ll she funny and kind

@glorydriven / @templarcrowned c RACKS UP DA ANGST MUSIC………  actual satan,,,, dadward,,, mi fave.   dadward and his many kids but nah ya’ll i love cam they’re so cool okay !    cam,, who yells @ the tv when playing ac and also threatened 2 unfollow me upon finding out i hadnt played black flag and idk how i could cope w/ out that awesome cam in my life okay !   ( even if u make me cry sometimes ily anyways )

@lightlived space mom w/ the Good Hair  !     i havent spoken 2 mills as much as i should hav but she still the coolest okay,,, i luv mother milk.   shes sper pretty and funny and literally one of the best and most well written ocs ive seen in a while ?  like pls follow her okay honestly,, i love tid(dy) and shes my space mom and ur my space mom 2 even if u grounded me xoxo  !   

@nativesoldier the Newest member 2 the nasti squad,,   u and ur dancing grandma emoji that started the Great Emoji War of 2k17 and wasted my data loading it,,,, u still cool okay. but nah 4 cereal, diana is gr8 even with the emojis ;;;   diana is some Ace and the dealo folks did u know

my writing has slowly become more memey as i go along lmfao but nah i luv my squad,, they so Good

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Sometimes my brother stays in the house all night. And annoys my kid.

But after tonight i see why.

He had to register his hands as militant weapons. He said militant. lol.

He was in karate all through elementary minus some years and some high school.

He knocked me out with two fingers once then started crying cause he thought I was dead. My mom didn't care. She told him good job.

My little brother paralyzed my arm once by jabbing it. That shit hurt. It was temporary but my arm was sore for days.

So obviously neither are afraid. They have skills,i always believed out powered my own.

I woke my brother up to open a jar but he couldn't either so soon after he went to his home. He said for some,reason no one was outside.

He knows Jesse i know he does cause we used to work the same gas station. Jesse and Stewie are the same but I call him stewie after the Family Guy baby cause he always tries to kill his mom.

He went to ministry school for college and has all kinds of degrees in philosophy and church and all that.

Anyways stewie got a job with my brother at nights and my brother got him fired.

I got him banned but our boss was a bitch thinking about her pussy.

Anyways. So he gets those feels when,there is dumb asses thinking they got a brain.

Me and my kid do too but its different. We don't live by them.

Usually she comes out for a little while with me but she said tonihht she had a feeling she djdnt want,to.

But I know at home,she gets them. Because one of us will sleep,at different times and one of us is always awake.

Thats whn i knpw some type monster you wish only lived under beds has been outside,

I dont say anything. But I think we both know.

.....

I went out again, this time with the light off and smoked. 4th cigar later and my sinus feel great!!

....

I could hear joints pop. Starchy grass being stepped on. And a chain.

I could feel a vehicle's presence. One with people in it.

.....

I heard the truck start drive slowly up,the north mesa. I could hear for so long i knew they were stopped.

...

Random dogs had barked. First in the yard then one 3 acres away. Then in the yard again.

I listened to how many birds chirped and how.

....

I knew someone was there when i moved my foot there was another sound... When you concentrate on doing something and you focus on it... I didn't hear the sound until i had already focused to move..its a random thing but always valid. If i move my foot someone else is moving theirs.

Its a constant.

......

I said shhh to the dogs. I whispered a loud hey that echoed to the weakling that couldn't stand still on the other side of the fence.

No one appropriately responded.

.....

I heard the there's a mother fucker there bark.

....

So i went in and as soon as I did that coward ass took off running to his waiting truck.

.....

I unfortunately can feel people's emotions. So i felt him being terrified. I also felt his chest heaving after running when i went in.

I feel his backward heart hurt the last two nights.

.....

#fbi he wants to kill me but he doesn't know how. Hes wanted to for 20 years after he believed jesse James killed my kids. That's why other people call him Jesse. Ive admitted to be fuddled about certsin things and barely have a glimpse of things. He had me,take an abundance of pills once to over dose. Right after the babies were murdered by their grandpa.

And hes tried to kill me and Annie multiple times.

The only person he has a right to kill is himself or anyone that is trying to kill him -- except when he decided to kill them first. Like me. Because I will kill him.

But if someone like wanted to mug him and had a gun then its okay to defend yourself as best as you can. The goal being to get them away from you and disarmed if possible. But not always death is the answer dependin on who it is.

.....

And since he collaborates with Denise, she focuses him on killing me. So he has a right to kill her to shut her up. Becsuse this is an extreme 20 plus year issue. Its not an issue for every one. Its not always the answer.

But in this case it is.

......

Stewart often has someone drop him off where i am,then he walks where I can see him. Then he has them pick him up.

Lately I've honked at him and given him the bird. Just so he knows i see him and i still hate him and i will kill him.

Denise was driving today so i couldn't but i yelled my hate at him,anyways.

.....

Weird was when i got,to the gas station there was a black girl in the back seat of a red SUV with huge eyes like she was a victim of human trafficking. But I always see cops there. And all the Windows were down. IDK why people look like that. Last,time they were worrief about my tire. Windows were down some,dude was outside smoking. She could had screamed. She seemed to be the only one there,

Just a random thing.

------

I was really worried about him going through the,gate. Because they wantef me to sit where I was safe and could see through the fence. But i was super close to the gate and i could hear him within the outer fence. Theres like 4 fences and shit... So he was within the half yard where I was but outside of,the porch fence.

So trespassing. New Mexico law is i can fight back with an equal or lesser weapon. Since he uses needles... And I'm handicapped. I can use a broom, chair, table. Pretty much anything i want but a gun. I could use a knife cause they're close to needles. He uses insulin so a big butcher knife.. Since I'm diabetic ... Insulin won't bother me much but he does use extremely high doses which would cause me to pass out. So then i would be able to equalize that with a stun gun which i have, pepper spray which i have. And blood loss from a butcher knife will cause him to pass out.

Now here I'm not suppose to equalize his crime and kidnap him.

But since I know he wants to kill me, has kidnapped me, etc....

They asked me what i would say if he ends up missing.

I don't care. That was my answer. I don't fucking care. Ive been complaining about him for years.

He tried to kill me and my daughter Annie. Hes constantly harassing us. He follows us. There's records.

If i go through the trouble of disposing him. Dude. They already fucking know where he is. They fucking watch me. They can push rewind on the dam satellite,

So seriously. I go through the trouble of disposing him myself or with my family don't fucking say shit but thank you snd pay me a reward.

Call me,crazy but im fucking telling you. So PREVENT IT.

Or don't bother arresting me or asking where is currently 50 extra pound ass is.

Lets not play dumb, here. Get someone smarter than you if you don't understand, #FBI

Self defense. Hes a threat and has been. Hrs fucking crazier than me,

We all know i can go sociopath, psychopath, serial killer. I can do them all all day any day.

Yes he is crazier than me because he can't go sane.

And despite me sounding crazy. I am actually sane.

......

So. He is terrified of me. He asked me about a year ago to let him help me load my groceries on the black tread at the store. He was shaking like a leaf. I was PISSED because he came up behind me and squeezed next to me,to,get in front of me.

They're all he doesn't have his black bag!!!!! He wears a fanny pack to carry his insulin.

THATS WHAT I DONT GET.

hes scared yet he wants to kill me????

What the Hell. Stay away from me.

Then he will sit where he knows i should be able to see him and he eats candy and smiles all big showing his teeth like he just ate out some ones ass..

Telling me hes gonna have to have his needles out soon.

........

But they tell me he doesnt have his bag.

.....

He will and has tucked them under his dick on his nut sack. And pulled it out in front of me and my child.

.......

I will fucking kill him before he can get his stupid hands in his pants,

I do not fucking care.

Hes lucky i don't have a gun. Because h3 would already be dead.

That's why i don't have a gun.

I almost got one a few years ago.....

But i don't want to go to jail. So if he is close enough for me,to,touch on private property not belonging to him.

Hes a dead man.

........

Anyways so i was concerned for him to go thru the gate because I wasn't feeling the kill rage. So i felt like i wasn't ready so i was weary.

And i kept on although everything else was telling me,he wasn't but to my right,

So my left ear started buzzing like crazy and i was all fucking shut up i can't hear..

But duh. I didn't need to listen at the gate.

So god was there talking to me. Telling me he was there and ready to help me as i need.

To help me as i need.

Once i got the understanding then the buzzing quit.

And I knew to focus my ears to my right.

....

I wasn't alone and,had a lot of support and understanding from a legend. She was really awesome in being curious and understanding. It was pretty awesome. She has a clear and strong voice. I bet she will be a guardian angel one day and i know she will be awesome at it. I was starting to wonder if she was dead because she was so good.

She's not but yeah i was like whoa. I could trust her. Its unusual.

Just because she was awesome doesn't mean she's near death, its just an Earth skill.

I trust the dead most because they can go anywhere even under water.

And i felt i could trust her just as much as a spirit sent from Heaven.

.....

I can hear stewart again.

......

[o666-999o]

im in a hotel with amanda in canmore writing this in bed with my eyes closed

im thikning about how i need to get better in various ways like

i need a job

i think i should.want tovolunteer at cjsw, which means first i hae to contact them and then go to an orientation

i want to feel good with amanda and i want her to feel good ith me

maybe i need to smoke less weed

why am i like stck 

it feels like i’m frozen or something

or not frozen but 

im stalled

or on the fence or something

about what? maybe on the ence is the wrong way o say it

what am i even saying

it’s like i want to say “it feels like there is osomthing wrong wiht me” but like im afraid to say something like that

i want to be able to say “i feel like im good at art” but 

art

music

am i good at that stuff?  my dedication and self-dicipline have , perhaps its fair to say , maye they’ve been lacking or in short suply over the years

i hae put a lot of time and effort   ,,,, and money! ,,, into )ugh i have that  i wrote moneytlike that but im still in the dark with mey eyes closed so i can’t backspace it _ gghhgh

gh

gh

im like

i feel pretty proud of the progress ive made with msic

i’ve always had the passion but my skills and inderstanding and all that , it wasn’t there

i was pretty bad at it i think probably actually ugh 

i dont like thinking  like that it doesnt feel good to like feel bad ugh lol

i think ive come a long way anyway

i think maybe ? i had more of an innate tallent for for art maybe?

maybE?

it came easier i think

but i didin’t stick with it

like seriously its like my life is a series of almost starting things

i left my kids

and was unable

was unable?

to push through all of the anxiety and fear and terror )terror?_) 

yeah i was fucking so afraid i felt like i could hardly move or breathe

i ocouldn’t push trhough it 

or like, get over myself?

to be there for them

yet i’ve hung on to it

i want to have been there

i want to be there

and yet i don’t

i’m n lsjkf

saglaskgj

i’m not

i’m not there

and i can’t let it go

and like

the art thing

i got into it and took to it naturally and got into art school

although i must admit

because i was 

wasa ?

i anyway i wonder now

did i have the tallent myself to get in?

because there were those figure drawings of nad’s that she let me put in the portfolio

to ensure my acceptance

because i didn’t have figure drawings

and i was with her daughter, i ghesS?

fuck

anyway i didn’t go to art school

i’ve just been like smoking pot and trying to get laid and having reckless relationships and making bad decisions and doing a lot of drugs and drinking and just aimlessly going

and here i am

ncertain and felling ill-positioned and ill-equipped to deal with it

i often question my existance and my experience and reality 

and i dont know what the fuck like

am i crazy

because i feel confused and scared and threatened

i isolate myself

like i cna’t get enough time alone

even though i spen basically all of my time alone

and i have this like longing to connect with people

but the actual experience of being with people is so like draining and exhausting and hard to deal with and mmaybe like sometimes or even often like not even like a good time?

like, a drag, man

and what am i

and where am i

like i mean i know im in bed in canmore in this weird hotel where the lightswitches are like down at mid thigh level for some reason? and the peep-hole in the door is also extremely low? like i had to stoop considerably to peep

but what is life

like, life, man

ugh pfff

guh

its just like

how can i make sense of all the information i take in about the world aroudn me, and how can i find my berrings in th

in wa;haracteristic of my behavior, or like would it be fair to describe it like, when the going tets tough, i bail?  i feel like there may be some truth in that

god am i like super evasive?

and like so ... hesitant?  the first wordi thought was squeemish

to like

commit

just keep on moving

running away

and i want to say like “and always trying to save the day” but idk if that’s tru tho, like, i just watched a dr who episode and that’s basically his character

not like all that stuff aforementioned,

just the part , the running, and the trying to save the day

have i just been going wherever the going is easy?

is all of this shit a cop out?

i’m on medication

and like

ok ok

two meds, welbutrin and concerta

and i have bene taking dexedrine also because i feel like the concerta is not enough

and i have all this dex i sourced illicitly

the other two are persrribed

rn i can’t even twll if i’m like just caught up in some fucking web of lies and self delusion and i’m just a fucking drug addict who is tring to escape reality

running away from the hard tstdifficult stuff, the gugly stuff, the unfortunate, the unpleasant, 

i’m only very recently

now i’m thirty three just recently mind you 

who am i talking to this is a locked tumblr

so im talking to me i guess

if i ever read this

i’m probly cringing

if i’m anything like i have been, lately?

my heart sinks when i wrote that

and im like torn, about being completely honest with my counselor and my pschiatrist about the dex

because im afraid that they will think im a drug addict or like a user or abuser or something

because like

it feels like it makes it better

but thats what it feels like when u get a fix for your thing right

a fix of

or whatever

but then like

what am i missing?

i’m not sure if that’s the case or what’s the cause but like, here i am

ddid i write cause up there if i did i meant case

k

like

here i am

idk if any of this makes sense

because i’mnot looking at it

just like streaming it out

is it fair to say that, i’ve stuck with music?

like there’s been this dogged persistance

like a stubborn refusal to accept that i had no tallent for it 

that i was bad at it

like did i want to be arock star or something?

i cant even handle the extreme minimal ammount of attention it seems

but like

do i want, admiration?

recogntion?  aproval, respect, esteem

my friends were all better at it than me

having been in band, i just picked up the bass to be in a punk band and i played the our notes and like didn’t understand anything but all this....something

passion?  energy?  

is it more focused now, or is there less of it

dik if its like that

kids are like that, full of spunk

right?

spunk gross

energy

zest wtf

vigour

vigor

spirit

but like

every time a path is laid out before me

like i got into art school, i just had to do it

but its like

i dont do it

and yet with music

it’s not a path

it’s like this fucking awful terrain

or even like, a wall or something

and yet that’s where  for some reason it seems for whatever reason i’m pursuing making music

just keep on going htat way

inching along

i probably know less about music theory now than my friends did coming out of highshool

but i’m becoming a pretty ,,good?  

music producer

im getting better anyway

for the first time im like finishing

songs

and feeling good about them

proud of them

listening to them over time and not feeling ashamed of them

and feeling like

i’m achieving someting

even though

no

one

hears my music

cares about it

and like i guess thats on me right

i dont share it

i hide it

as if like what

am i waiting for the people closest to me to express an interest in it?

maybe that would be nice but

thats not it

its like

its like

i dont wan t to show it, if its not good

show

share

present

 put out there

slkhg;aslkgj

like where am i reletive to everyhting or something?

who am i and what am i supposed to be doing

because like

is it fair to say that when the going gets tough 

what was i saying

has it been c

ok so i have been writing for so long with the screen off but it hasn’t been being typed

fuck this stupid shit anyway

[patheticfrogarchive]

hi friend idk if you remember me but this is the pokemon anon who sent u all those pokemon/chara things? (this was like years ago lol) I'm so sorry i haven't visited u lol, (i also can't think of a pokemon/person thing now) but, did you get sun and moon??

wait jk i lied i just thought of one. but uh, star trek characters! specifically da mains like kirk, spock, chekov, mccoy, scotty, uhuru and sulu. have a great night! c: (and also from the movies, because even i didn't watch tho show, tho i plan too xD)

holy shit yes i remember u, hello again!! And its cool friend, life has been wild lately and honestly the amount of things i’ve forgotten to do is too much lol 

and yes I got moon version! I got it for christmas, and I finished the main story in like, 3 weeks, and then after that I started working on completing the alola dex and it took me like, 2 straight weeks but i fucking DID it holy fuck I’m so proud of myself. It was such a good game story wise too, cause tbh the X+Y story was kinda too fast, boring and made no sense sometimes, and the rivals annoyed the fuck out of me. 

and its perfect that u say from the movies bc ive only ever really seen the movies too lol. I’ve seen the first 2 episodes of the original tv show, and then I saw the tribble episode, and then the wrath of khan movie, but that’s it. I’m planning to hopefully soon watch the original series, my dad loves it and so do a few of my friends

Kirk, I think fire, cause in the reboot movies at least (aka the ones I know the best), his personality is kinda fiery and he’s kind of a dick. Def an Arcanine, maybe Typhlosion, or even Incineroar (side note I’m so sad that the Litten evolution line ended with it standing on 2 legs, Incineroar is... not my fav design. I’ve refused to let my Torracat evolve. He’s level 93 and his name is Frito btw. I love him)

Spock, obv psychic types. i dunno much about vulcans, but can’t they do mind melds of sorts? Also Spock is really smart, psychic = brain, etc. etc. 

Chekov.... I saved this one for last, bc I really don’t know what type would fit him. He could have a mix of types, kinda like how Cynthia from gen 4 had a really mixed up team. For some reason I think he should for sure have a Gardevoir. 

Mccoy... dark type. Just cause he’s got that snippy sarcastic dark kinda sense of humor and personality. I could see him w a mightyena.  Also Bones is me in literally any situation, just sayin. 

Scotty, tbh the first thing I thought of was electric types, cause Scotty’s an engineer, and that kinda deals with electrical things. Plus it’d be really cute if like, a Pachirisu or a Dedenne was his little on-board partner. 

Uhura i can see with rock types, kind of like Olivia from Sun and Moon. Plus Uhura kicks ass and is a cool strong character, so it fits. Maybe she’d have a Lycanroc, Aurorus, or a Gigalith

Sulu, fighting I think. I know at least in the original tv show he’s a fencer, and that’s fighting related. Maybe a fighting/steel type, like Lucario (steel for the fencing sabre, obv.)

srry this took so long to answer but I’ve been super busy this week and I wanted to wait until I had time to sit down and properly answer these. They’re so fun btw, I love doing them. Thank u anon, I hope u have a great day/night too! :)