#idk its been awhile since ive drawn anything

[invertedlayers]

Attempted a sorta stained glass thingy with my current dnd character.

[gtforubie]

hi hello 

well, ive started my new online school! finally. 

i am also typing this on my brand new macbook which i saved up for so it feels good to have something new you know. 

i have my surgrey next week. today mum pointed out my weight loss which makes me want to go harder but i need to be healthy according to mum for my surgrey. so i guess thats what i need to do. im still going to only eat dinner everyday and have vitamin c along with my iron pills. 

i will have a snack during the day to help the day before my surgrey since im not sure if i can eat meals the day of my surgrey. 

my anxiety is getting bad. my depression is getting bad. i had a online therapy and i really just want help but i dont want them to tell my parents because honestly thats the last thing i want. i want to keep my mental health journey to myself as of right now. i dont need to tell my friends everything. 

all i want to do is delete every bit of social media, re do my bedroom, start something new, workout everyday, have a good sleep schedule, not procastante every fucking thing i do, maintain a routine, read books and invest in me. its hard. i want to love myself so bad but its always negativity. i feel constantly empty and not motivated to do anything at all. its fucking annoying and i just want to focus on me. i want to have a group of friends where i know i will be included and feel welcomed and have that undenying love for me. 

recently my manifestations have been coming true so i guess this means i need to manifest some more things? i guess to add on. 

i literally spent alot of money on new clothes but im going to feel so confident once i am able to wear them and actually look at myself and feel secure. im going to work hard for my body. im so exhausted today but tomorrow i want to try the 12, 3, 30 workout on the treadmill and then if i have any extra energy i will do a dance workout. burn the extra calories. feel confident. secure. 

i seriously need a hug, not from my parents, siblings or family members. i need a genuine *i am happy to see you and i missed you* hug. like not a quick little 2 second hug i want a good 10 second hug where we appreciate eachother for a moment and just absorb the warmth of another person. 

i honestly just need some company. the weeks of quarantine has drawn me away from so many people. idk what im going to do when i get out of quarantine, but hey its a chance idk. i hope we get to stay in level three for another week honestly, it gives me time to heal and be more sure to go out, cause i know im going to be in bed for awhile and i wont be able to go out and about and stuff. i read that im not allowed to wear a underwire bra after my breast reduction so i guess im going to be in bralettes which shouldnt be too bad. 

i want genuine friendships like yeah i have friends but sending face photos bac and fourth for days or even weeks maybe even months isnt exactly getting close or anything else in that perspective. 

im going to be in bed alot after my surgrey so im def gonna be on bed rest for around a week i think and then i can start going out after around two weeks. i think i need to buy some wire free bras. 

i dont think mum and dad can afford my surgery, they told me they could but then mum said theres alot of debt. so awesome making me feel shit for getting something thats been in the works for over a year and a half. apeareatice it. 

im really living in the past right now and i honestly just need to move forward with my life. i dont think there will be really any hosts during the week once quarantine is finished because we may go back to school and go back to our normal lives, but yeah i dont know. ill get to see people in the weekend i guess. 

i miss having guy friends, like a friendship where we are just friends. nothing more. like all my guy mates are taken and only care about their girlfriends so they push you away until they need something or when she goes to sleep. like come on. 

my mind is so over all of this. when coming out of quarantine i want to fully embrace alot about life, i want to take care of myself, work on my mental health and move forward with myself. this is the year where i want to feel mentally stable. i hate opening up to my parents. i fucking hate it. 

because they treat me differently the moment i say something which makes me angry.