#idk it's always easier to imagine a character with short hair having longer hair than it is to imagine the opposite

[kikuism]

*squeezing my eyes shut* trying my hardest to picture kou with short hair

[smediumsmeatbae]

And They’re Always Glad You Came

TITLE: And They're Always Glad You Came PAIRING: Bartender!Chris Evans X Reader SUMMARY: After being stood up on a blind date, a certain blue eyed bartender wants to cheer you up WORDS: 2.5K WARNINGS: Smut, swearing, fluff, brief mentions of cheating, reader feeling sorry for herself, bad smut writing (probably, idk) A/N: I think this was supposed to be a drabble but ended up being a one shot as I got carried away with this fic.  This fic was made for the prompt: "Bartender!character and you having sex on the bar after it closes" by @the-ce-horniest-book-club. Hope you guys enjoy! I had a lot of fun writing this. Likes/comments/reblogs are always appreciated!  As always, don't be a dick and post my stuff elsewhere without my permission. 

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You were still on your first drink that you had been nursing pretty heavily for the past hour. You had been stood up, and by a blind date, no less. You were pretty sure the night couldn't get any more humiliating. Who gets stood up by a blind date? 

About a year ago, you had caught the supposed “love of your life” happily in bed with another. Your friends had understood, at first, your apprehension about dating someone else. As the months progressed though, they became less and less understanding and you had less and less excuses to use. Sara, your friend, had talked you into dating a friend of hers that was “so perfect” for you. He was smart, funny, charming. He was a lawyer at a reputable firm and was looking to make partner within a year. You had exchanged text messages with him and made a plan to meet at a local restaurant for drinks after work. You had even decided to sit at the bar to make it easier for your date to find you but apparently that wasn't an issue anyway. Had he seen you and backed out? You decided not to dwell on it too much. Not being good enough for yet another man in the span of a year was almost too much.  

Even the bartender was seeming to take pity on you as he came to check on you every so often. You had started out the evening giving out such a good, positive vibe. Now? Not so much. His voice got softer and sweeter every time he came over, as if he was tending to an injured doe and didn't want to spook you off. At least he was very easy to look at with his neatly trimmed chestnut colored beard and crystal blue eyes. His hair was a little longer in the front and shaped nice and short in the back; it had a little bit of product in it but not enough to be obnoxious. He was tall with slender hips and a built upper torso. Christ almighty, was he built. He probably had no issues lifting the kegs in back for the beers with his broad barrelled shoulders and thick as hell arms. You hoped he didn't notice you staring at him. You didn't know how much more hits your ego could take in one night. Or maybe… you did want him to see you stare. You imagined him lifting you up in those strong arms and taking you over the bar top… Jesus, get a grip! You didn't even know him and already you were left wanting. 

“How you doin’ sweetheart.” He came over to check again. You noticed a slightly New England accent that made you melt a little.  "Well… I think I'm going to give up the ghost on this and call it. He’s not coming." "Date stood you up?" The man asked, genuine curiosity on his face.  "Worse." You admitted, your cheeks flushing slightly. "A blind date."  "Ouch… that sucks. If you don't mind me askin', what are you doin' on a blind date anyway? You're too pretty of a girl for all that." "Thanks." You chuckled out an awkward laugh. "Just too busy for actual dates I guess. My friend took pity on me and set it up. It's the first date I've been on in a bit."

You don't know what was making you admit to all this. Maybe it was because he was a bartender and they're used to hearing life stories. Maybe it was because he looked so trustworthy, like you could tell him anything. You were spilling top secrets and you couldn't put your finger on why. He didn't seem to mind though, his kind eyes and sweet smile were trained on you, genuinely interested. 

"Hey, you want a coffee or somethin'? My treat." He offered. "I'm Chris, by the way."

He stuck out his hand to you with a smile and you shook it, the feeling of his hand in yours electric. 

"Thank you. That's very kind of you, Chris. I'll take tea if you have it." "Comin' right up." Chris nodded as he started to prep your tea. 

As he turned back around to set up for your tea, you got a look at the back of Chris. His broad shoulders were even more impressive from the back than the front and it gave way to your imagination of his toned back muscles. He also had an impeccable ass. You bet you could bounce quarters off that bad boy. You shook your head, trying to get your thoughts off of practically a strangers rear out of your mind. You never ogled someone this much before but there was something about him that just drawed you to him.  

The next couple of hours seemed to go fast. The two of you talked about everything from your families to hobbies, favorite music, and what movies you thought were terrible and great. The bar was dead so it allowed Chris to put his focus on you and you not feeling like you were getting in the way. You found so many other things in those two hours that attracted you to him even more than physically, if that was possible. Chris was well spoken, kind, and funny. God, was he funny! He had you laughing for a solid 5 minutes, tears streaming down your face, telling stories about the stunts he used to pull with his younger brother Scott. It had begun to feel like more of a connection with him than you had felt for anyone in quite some time. The butterflies that you thought had long ago died, were fluttering furiously in your stomach. 

A comfortable silence came between you, where you were both just looking at each other. After a beat, Chris cleared his throat and began wiping down the bar top for the night. He had done most of his closing duties while talking to you and was basically just running out the clock. 

"Hey, I only have about 30 minutes left on my shift. Do you wanna maybe go get a drink after this with me?" His blue eyes looking straight into you, making you blush. "Yeah, I'd like that." 

His body seemed to ease in tension after that, as if he was waiting for you to say no. For a man who looked like Chris and was so charming and sweet, you doubted how he got told no often. You liked that about him, though. He didn't know that he looked as hot as he did, or at least didn't put on airs about it. 

The next 30 minutes seemed to go by at a fairly clipped pace. Servers came up and cashed out their tips, making small talk with Chris as they left for the night. Soon, it was just you and him in the entire restaurant. You got off your chair and went over to the opening of the bartop. Chris met you there, a shy smile on his lips.

"So, what d'you want to drink?" He asked. "You." You murmured.

You took charge, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him to you, not being able to stand the electricity between the two of you any longer. You had never been so bold, never been so forward with a man before but Chris… God you couldn't help it with him. You kissed his lips hungrily, as you snaked your arms around his neck. He, in turn, put his big hands on your hips and massaged them with his fingertips. He broke away from the kiss with a breath.

"Don't take this the wrong way but I was kind of hoping that your date wouldn't show up so I could be alone with you." Chris chuckled in your ear.  "Oh is that a fact?" You giggled. "Well I've been checking you out all night so I'm glad he chickened out too."

You continued kissing him, your hands running down his shoulders, squeezing them gently. Your hands went down the solid wall of muscle on his pecs and abs and you got to the hem of his shirt and began to tug. You both broke the kiss for a second as he helped you take off his shirt. You slid your hands back over his chest, loving the feeling of his chest hairs against your hands, and curled your fingers around the nape of his neck before you went to kiss him again. He stopped you and you looked at him questioningly for a second. 

“D’you want this?” He asked, his dark blue eyes bore into you.

Nodding your head, you scraped your fingernails along the nape of his neck. God, he was working you up so much.

“I need you to use your words, sweetheart.” He whispered gravelly in your ear as he nibbled on your lobe, sending a shockwave straight to your core. “Yes Chris, I want you.” 

That was all Chris needed to hear. He grabbed your waist and turned you around to face the bar top. He swept your hair from your back to leave wet kisses on your neck, his hot breath leaving goose bumps on you. His hands, wandering achingly slow down your sides, grabbed on the hem of your shirt, and pulled it up, kissing and licking where new flesh was found until the shirt was off of you. You were grinding your heated core into his hips, feeling his erection against you, growing by the second.

“Goddamn, you're so beautiful...” He whispered against your shoulder, giving little kisses and nips.

He wrapped one of his arms around your waist, his hand grabbing your hip and squeezing. You would probably be sore there tomorrow but what a way to get a bruise. His other hand came up and cupped the opposing breast, thumb moving down the fabric of your bra. He drew light circles on your nipple until they were hard as pebbles. You mewled at the feeling, throwing your head back so that it was leaning on his chest, eyes closed and breathing hitched. He had enveloped all of your body in his arms. 

The hand that was grabbing onto your waist left and started travelling south towards your aching sex. He cupped your mound in his hands moving fingers over the fabric. You bucked slightly against his hand, craving for movement from him. 

“Gonna make you feel so good.” He cooed in your ear as he moved his hands up your skirt, past your panties, and into your folds, feeling how wet you were. You were suddenly glad you wore a skirt. He hummed in approval as he gently stroked your clit. Moaning out, you wrapped an arm around his neck to steady yourself as he kissed and sucked on your neck. He pulled one finger inside you, then another, alternately pumping into you and working on your clit. You could feel the coil in your stomach rapidly tightening as Chris worked on you. 

“Oh… god Chris… I-I’m gonna... “  “I got you baby. Let go for me.” The coil snapped as an intense orgasm shook through your body. Screaming out Chris’s name, you rode his fingers coming down from your high until you were back on earth again.  “Jesus Christ....” 

You breathed out as you turned around and grabbed his face, kissing him deeply, your tongues darting in and out of each other's mouths, passion building again. Your hands dropped from his face and moved down his hard chest and abs, feeling him flex against your fingers. You found his belt buckle and undid that, then unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down, his fly coming undone in the process. Tugging on his boxers, it didn't take long for his manhood to spring free of their confines, standing proud and ready to play, precum leaking out of the tip. He placed his hands against the bartop, giving himself a place to steady himself as you placed a hand around him and started running your hand up and down his shaft. Chris groaned and bucked his hips forward into your hands, his head pressing onto your shoulder. 

You stopped stroking him and he whimpered from the loss of contact. You took your hand that was wrapped around his neck and pulled his head close to you, getting his ear right next to your lips. “Need you, Chris. Please.” HIs breath was ragged as he nodded his head. He grabbed your butt and motioned you to jump. You did, wrapping your legs around him. You felt like you were weightless in his arms as he held you. He positioned himself near your entrance and pushed in, you both moaning as you took him in. He felt so big around you; pleasure and pain mixed as you stayed still for a second to get used to his delicious size. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” He groaned out, taking a couple of deep breaths so that he wouldn’t climax too early. 

Slowly, he started to pump into you, moaning and hot rasping breath on your neck as you weaved your fingers through his hair and tugged on it. You let out little moans as well, your body feeling electric and super sensitive as you felt him going deeper into you until he was at the hilt. You wanted him, needed him to fuck you harder, a storm in your eyes as the full feeling finally washed over you and you craved motion. You scratched a long line up his back with your fingernails, eliciting a growl from him and he picked up the pace, eyes lust blown and needing to reach his peak. 

“Yes, fuck yes… right there!” You cried out, throwing your head back in ecstasy.  “You like that? You like it, huh?” “God yes, more!” 

Still holding onto you, he swiveled around and sat you down on the bar back. He grabbed your right leg and lifted it to rest on his shoulder, allowing him to get a new angle with you. You cried out in pleasure as his dick hit your g-spot over and over and over. You could hear the bottles of alcohol clink beside you as Chris rutted into you. 

“I’m so close.” You moaned out, grabbing the bar back with your hands so you could match his thrusts.  “Me… too…”

He reached down in between your bodies and rubbed tight circles on your clit with the pad of his thumb. Your back arched, eyes slammed shut, and all you could see was white as another mind blowing orgasm rocked you. You shouted out incoherently with shaky breath, walls clenching around his cock, milking it. Shortly after, he followed, a string of curses and your name leaving his lips as his thrusts became sloppy and his head fell forward onto your chest. 

“Wow…” He breathed.  “I know... Me too.”

He looked up at you, a small smile forming on his lips. 

"So… how's about that drink?"

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TAGS: @angrythingstarlight @cheeseburgersstuff

[pluviophile-imagines]

I'm honestly fine with either kind of reader. there are pros and cons to each type. I like more blank slate readers since it makes it easier to put myself into the story, but they can quickly become one dimensional and boring to read. A readers with an established background is almost always more engaging, but I lose my immersion if the reader's looks are written too specifically (1/2)

Lmfao I’m 5’9 and not skinny in the slightest so when fics talk about being petite or short I definitely get taken out of it. It’s better to be vague imo, bc even when I’m reading specifically plus-size reader fics I still feel kinda meh because they have a tendency to talk abt certain attributes (boobs, butt) I don’t have bc like… I hold all my weight in my stomach LMFAO and I think there’s absolutely ways to be super vague in those kinds of descriptions! I do it a lot lmfao (To be perfectly clear: I think fics abt plus-size/curvier/fat (bc fat isn’t a bad word) readers are phenomenal regardless, and I’m sure so many people who typically feel ostracized by the emphasis on skinniness/smallness feel represented by them and that’s amazing, I’m just pointing out that describing any physical feature in detail is gonna make some readers feel left out even if they do fit into the category that you’re specifically trying to represent). And I’m white but I would be remiss not to bring up that so many fics cater to cis white women, and it’s incredibly important to keep in mind that not every reader has the same hair texture or skin tone as you.

Keeping the reader neutral in terms of physical appearance is, imo, bare minimum for reader insert authors and frankly if ur reader isn’t inclusive of poc or all body types then like. Idk why you’re writing reader inserts as opposed to OC fics 😳

THAT ALL SAID (bc I totally get why my post made people think abt physical appearance but that’s such a given to me I didn’t even think abt disclaiming that I wasn’t talking abt it lmfao) I was thinking plot-wise, and I suppose personality-wise as well, which r both personal preference imo. Unlike with keeping physical appearance neutral, I don’t think there’s an inherently correct answer; readers are characters just like anyone else in the fic, so inherently they need personalities and stuff.

With shorter fics like I typically write, it’s easier to just not bring up a reader’s childhood or family. But with longer ones it’s harder, because obviously such things r so impactful on people and naturally things that the romantic interest should come to know about the person they’re pursuing. And for me, I like it when a character has a backstory, but I can see some of my own readers preferring the opposite and wanting to imagine their own parents or friends rather than me making up new ones for the story lmfao. Plus I agree with you, keeping things neutral like that can very easily make the reader one-dimensional. And I mean isn’t reader insert stuff about being self indulgent and placing yourself in different scenarios? Different jobs and different friends and stuff?

Again none of this is rlly gonna impact my writing (I’m too far along with the WIPs that made me think about this to change up the plots LMFAO) but I got to thinking abt it as I was writing a scene where the reader like. Trauma-dumps to Bakugo JDBDKSND and went “damn this is a rlly in-depth backstory I wonder what my readers will think.” It’s an interesting discussion so I figured I’d pose the question!

[strangely-amusing]

Oppa

Characters : Jaehyun x You

WordCount : 4,886

Genre : Romance, Teacher!Jaehyun

Note : Crappy title, i know. But i can’t think of any other words. Anyway, this is a repost bcs back then i made this into 2 parts (idk why)

You looked at your reflection in the mirror and smiled. Your hair had grown a lot longer and you were very happy about it. You fixed your bangs one more time, and grabbed your bag. You turned off the lamp and left your room, walking downstairs happily. At the dining table, your parents and brother were already waiting for you, quietly munching on their toast.

“Good morning!” You chirped happily, taking a seat next to your brother. They all looked up and took a few seconds, deciding whether they like your new hair or not. Your mom smiled sweetly and bopped your nose. “You look stunning, dear”

“Aw thank-“

“Yes, you look stunning, you look gorgeous. But way too pretty for school. What if you get hit on??” Your brother exclaimed, cutting you off.

“Agreed.” Your dad shortly added, sipping on his tea.

You rolled your eyes and grabbed a toast. “Come on now, You get hit on all the time. Its not like i would date everyone who hit on me.”

He looked at you weirdly. “Now you can’t blame me for my good looks. You can blame them.” He said, eyeing your parents. “And also, i can’t protect you from those nasty fuckboys.”

“Language, Taeyong.” Your mom glanced at him. She then grinned. “you should thank me and your father for your good looks. People spend a lot of money to get a nose like yours, Taeyong.”

Taeyong sighed. “Still, what if she attracts the wrong kind of people? I don’t want my lil sister getting hurt.”

You munched on your toast and smiled at him. “Don’t worry, I will tell you everything!”

Your dad looked up and squinted his eyes. “by everything you mean, um, i dont know, everyone?”

You nodded, finisihing your toast. “Everyone. Friends, Best friends, Crush, Boyfriend, if i have one. I’m only gonna tell Taeyong though.”

“Come on now.” Your dad groaned while Taeyong grinned, giving you two thumbs up. Your dad glared at Taeyong and gave him a frown. “I expect you to tell me everything.”

Taeyong smiled and shook his head. “Nope.”

In which you cheered and gave him a hi-5. Your dad’s face fell and his jaw dropped. He then glanced at your mom, hoping for her support. Without looking up from her breakfast, she shortly said, “Darling, they are young and you should let them be free.”

“That’s exactly why! They’re young and dumb!” Your dad said, frowning. You and Taeyong looked at him, dramatically gasping. “Dad!!!”

“Taeyong is turning 24 this year, And he graduated from the best university in this country and he just got a job at one of the best company out there, and y/n is turning 21 in a few months, also in the best university in this country. So what’s your point?” Your mom deadpanned, looking at him with her eyebrow furrowed. You and Taeyong grinned widely, giving two thumbs up for your mom.

Your dad frowned, unable to argue. ”…….Fine.”

You and Taeyong grinned at each other. Your dad frowned and continued to eat, mumbling about how both of you were “too young” for everything.

Your mom chuckled and got up to give him a kiss on his cheeks. “They’re not children anymore, They’re old enough to make their own decisions.” She said softly.

Your dad sighed, glancing at you and taeyong. “I guess you’re right. But still, you two have to tell me about your current boyfriend and girlfriend, alright?”

“Sir yes sir!” You chirped, doing a salute. Taeyong laughed yet he copied your moves. Your parents chuckled, shaking their heads. Your mom gathered the dirty plates and put them in the dishwasher. “y/n you should get going, your class starts at 10 right?”

You glanced at the clock and nodded at Taeyong. “Come on!”

Taeyong got up from his seat and grabbed his keys. “You know, i always drive you to college And yet you never give me anything in return.”

You put on your shoes and looked at him. “I bake you cakes.”

“I know, but can you maybe, uh i dont know, give your brother a hug or something?” He said, giving you big puppy eyes. You chuckled and stood up. “What is wrong with you today?”

You tiptoed and hugged him tight. “There. Now lets go, I’m gonna be late.”

Taeyong grinned and pulled you outside. “Lets go! Mom! Dad! We’re leaving!”

“Be careful! Don’t speed up!”

Was the last thing you heard before getting in the car.

♡

The ride was mostly silent, mainly because of Taeyong was focused on the road and didn’t want any distractions. You were excited to see your friends. You haven’t gotten the chance to spend your holiday with them as you were busy with yourself the past month. You were trying to lose some weight, to make your skin smooth, to make yourself happy. You weren’t overweight before, but you were definitely not slim either. Your skin wasn’t dry or oily, but you used to have acnes here and there. You were very happy and satisfied with yourself for being able to do things that would make yourself confident.

Now that college has started, You were excited to see what your friends’ reaction about your physical changes. You were also excited to see his reaction.

You walked slowly in the midst of the crowd, being careful not to drop anything or bump into someone. Some people greeted you, some even tried to flirt, and you replied them politely, only thinking about a certain male. You successfully walked past the crowd, and went straight to your class. The class was empty, except for Hani, your bestfriend, sitting in the back of the class. She looked up and her eyes shone. “y/n!”

You gave her a wide smile and walked up to her seat. She immediately stood up and hugged you tight. “I miss you!!!”

You chuckled, feeling a tiny bit embarrassed because people are starting to enter the class. “I miss you too!”

She then let go and looked at you, from your head to your toe and then back to your head. “you gotta tell me what the heck did you do because you look drop dead gorgeous”

“Actually I-“

“I mean you look hot before but now you’re like, so freaking hot??” Hani cut you off, shamelessly checking you out.

You chuckled, blushing a little bit because she was being too loud. “yea i’ve been working on it the past month.

She smirked and then whispered. “I can’t wait to see his reaction.”

You blushed, a certain male popped into your head. “I’m scared though. What if he thinks i’m ugly??or if my bangs are weird?”

Hani looked at you weirdly for a few seconds before hitting your head lightly. “Have you seen yourself? You look gorgeous. You’ve got to change that mind set. Be confident”

You rolled your eyes, but she was right. You have to be confident. “Kay, im gonna sit in the front. you coming?”

She shook his head. “Nope. I’m planning to take a nap.”

You chuckled at her response, and then walked to the front of the class. You chose the chair that was the nearest to the teacher’s desk. It was your unassigned assigned seat. You sat down and put your bag down, only pulling out your notebook and a black pen.

You patiently waited, seeing students started to fill up the class. By the time the clocks struck at 9.50, the class was already full. You watched the door as your heart started to beat faster, expecting a certain someone to walk in.

At exactly 10 AM, The person you were waiting for finally walked in. He was wearing a white button down shirt and black skinny jeans. His usual curly brown hair was now gone, replaced by a short jet black hair. He was gorgeous.

“Good morning class!” His deep smooth voice immediately rang through your ears. You can hear the students replying his greetings, but you stayed silent, eyes glued to the figure in front of you. You failed to notice the way he furrowed his eyebrow at you.

“Good morning, y/n. Cat got your tongue?” He chuckled, grinning at you. You immediately snapped out of your thoughts, and blushed. “Good morning, Mr. Jung”

He chuckled and whispered not so quietly. “Its Jaehyun oppa for you.”

The class started to cheer, some people cooed. You were blushing so hard that you were sure you looked like a boiled crab. Jaehyun saw your blushing face and laughed. “I was just kidding, y/n. Your face is so red right now.”

You nodded, still unable to control your blushing. Jaehyun then chuckled some more. He then bent down to your level and whispered, quietly this time, “I’m sorry, y/n. But you look so cute that i cant help it.”

You looked up at him, surprised. His face seems a bit different from usual, his cheeks seemed a bit pink. He quickly turned his expression back to a straight one, cheeks no longer pink. He then stood back up and went to his desk.

“Now that you’re all smiling, i can begin the lecture much easier.” He said, grinning widely. There were still some groans, but you could hardly hear it. You were so confused by what he had said. He really thinks i’m cute? Or was it another joke to make the situation better? But i swear i can see him blushing? Or was it only my imagination?

You quickly snapped out of your thoughts as he began the lecture, His deep voice always getting your attention. Mr. Jung Jaehyun was one of the youngest lecturer at the age of 24, only 2 years older than you. And he was one of the hottest too. He was friendly and easygoing, and almost everyone fall for him. Including you. You knew it wasn’t the brightest idea to fall in love with your lecturer, but you just can't resist his angelic smile. 

Hours went by, without you know it, the class was coming to an end. By the time he glanced at his watch, you couldn’t help but to feel disappointed.

“Okay, that’s it for today. I’ll see you guys on Friday. Remember to complete and bring the worksheet okay?”

“Okay Mr. Jung.” The class automatically replied. They started to pack up their bags, some already left the class. You had no class after this, so you took your time and packed up your things slowly. Hani walked to your seat, only to give you a wink and a knowing smirk, and then left. By the time you were done, the class was already empty. Except for you, and ofcourse, Mr. Jung Jaehyun.

You weren’t planning to make any moves today, what happened this morning was enough for you. You had been quiet the whole time he was giving lectures, which was unusual for you. You usually raise your hand a couple of times, mainly because of you actually want to ask, or just trying to get his attention. Today, however, was different. He jokes around a lot, but never these kind of jokes. And yes, although he had been so soft and caring towards you, It wasn’t usual for him to casually make that kind of joke towards his students. Especially you. He usually starts the class with a simple greeting and a sweet smile, and that’s it. You were thinking about it the whole time he was giving his lectures. Was it because of your new looks? Was your hair odd or something?

Your train of thoughts disappeared as someone ruffled your hair. You quickly looked up, only to meet the most beautiful pair of eyes gazing back at you.

“Hey, I’m sorry about this morning. You were quiet and a little bit pale so I thought you were nervous.” Jaehyun said apologetically, his lips pressed into a thin line. You could smell his cologne, and it was enticing. You realized he was still waiting for your answer so you pinched your thigh so you can stop daydreaming about the same man that was standing right in front of you.

“O-Oh, its alright, Mr. Jung. You’re not wrong, I was a little bit nervous this morning. Thanks for noticing, though.” You said quietly, giving him a small smile. He gave you a worried look and crouched down to match your eye level. He tilted his head to get a better look of your face. “But why? You have been in my class for the past 3 years, and your grades were great.There’s nothing to worry about.”

You bit your lips and looked down, unsure what to say. You were trying your best not to blush, by thinking it was Taeyong in front of you, instead of him. It worked, though. “Um, I think its because of today is the first day of college after holiday? And also, its my last year here..”

You mentally slapped yourself for that lame excuse. But it seemed like it works. Jaehyun nodded, and stood up. You were a little bit disappointed because now that he was standing, it means that the conversation was going to end.

“Okay, I guess you’re right. I was a bit nervous today too, you know? So you’re not the only one.” He chuckled, walking back to his desk. You stared at him weirdly. “But why?”

“Because I have finally gathered all my courage to make a move on the girl of my dream this year.” He said, smiling widely as he gathers his things. His smile was so bright, that it broke your heart. It made you sad to know that there was someone out there that made him smile so bright. And that ‘someone’ wasn’t you.

You felt a pang in your heart as you tried to smile with him. “Really? That’s great, Mr. Jung.”

It sounded so small and pathetic, but that was the best that you can do. Jaehyun immediately looked up at the tone you were using, his eyes wide at the sight of the tears that were threatening to fall down anytime.

You know that he can practically see your red eyes, tears pooling in the corner of your eyes, but there was nothing you can do. You wanted to leave the room as soon as possible, as you weren’t able to hold it any longer.

“y/n, I didn’t-“

“I’m sorry Mr. Jung, but my brother is waiting for me outside. See you on Friday.” You quickly said, rushing out of the class before he can even reply. Taeyong didn’t pick you up, you lied. You didn’t look back, and went straight outside.

By the time you arrived at the bus stop, tears were already streaming down your face. You grabbed a pack of tissue from your pocket and carefully dabbed your eyes with it.

The girl of his dream… is it another teacher? Of course it is. Who? Is it Ms. Lee? She’s young and pretty…Or maybe its Ms. Park? Hani said she once saw them in a coffee shop together…

You quickly snapped out of your thought as the bus you were waiting for finally arrived. You got on the bus and sat in the back of the bus. As you got closer to your home, you realized that you couldn’t go home like this. Taeyong will freak out if he sees you like this.

You got off the bus, thinking where you should go. 

Maybe walking a bit slower than usual will do the trick.

After walking 15 minutes from the bus stop, you sighed. Walking slowly would only get you to think about what happened today. And you have always hated slow walking.

With that, you continued to walk in a rather fast pace and arrived at your home in less than 10 minutes. You saw Taeyong’s car parked in front of the house, gulping slightly. Its 2 PM, why is he home already?

You took a mirror from your bag and checked your appearance. Your eyes were still a little bit puffy, but there were no tears. That’s good enough for now.

Taking a deep breath, You slowly entered the house. No signs of Taeyong. “Thank god…”

“Thank god for what??”

You squealed In surprise, clutching your heart as you turn around to face Taeyong. He was looking at you weirdly, his eyebrow furrowed.

“Um… thank god it wasn’t hot outside?” You quietly answered, hoping that he’ll let it go. He did, and left to the kitchen without another word. You sighed in relief, and went upstairs.

You entered your room and locked the door. You put your bag on the floor and changed into more comfortable clothing, sighing in relief as you finally take off that skinny jeans. Plopping down onto the bed, you let your mind wanders.

You unconsciously smiled as you remembered Jaehyun’s compliment this morning, wanting nothing more than to hear it over and over again. But the tears started to come back as you recalled his smile when he thought about his “dream girl”.

How can i not know this before?

It had been 2 years since you started to have these feelings for him, 2 years since you started to have late night thoughts about him. you had been searching facts about him, his birthday, his favourite song, his hobby. Obviously, you didn’t do enough research because until this day, you still haven’t found out about his status. He wasn’t married, but you didn’t know if he had a girlfriend.

Taeyong is going to turn 24… and yet he is still single…Jaehyun is the same age as Taeyong, so maybe he is still single too?

You sighed as you realized that it was a dumb assumption. the tears kept falling down, so you closed your eyes, hoping that when you wake up, none of these things had happened.

♡

It had been days after the incident, and without you know it, it was already Friday. You haven’t gotten much sleep, your mind refused to stop thinking about that incident. You haven’t eaten a proper meal too since that day, only eating ramyeon every night.

Your class started at 3 PM, so you don’t have to wake up early and pretend to be happy and excited in front of your family like how you did for these past 3 days. The house was empty the moment you came out of your room, no signs of your parents, no signs of Taeyong either. You eyed the sandwich that your mom made for you. You didn’t feel like eating, so you put the sandwich in the fridge for later.

You sighed, not wanting to meet Jaehyun and his stupid smile. Yes, for the past 3 days you have met him several times, but all those times consist of Jaehyun trying to talk to you, and you running away. It was stupid because you were still going to meet him anyway. This was your last year, you can’t just miss all of his class and still hope you’ll get a good gpa. You thought about him all the time after that incident, and decided that he was not worth your precious time. You should be spending your last year in college studying, and going out occasionally with your friend.

You arrived only a minute before 3 PM, and immediately took a seat in the back of the class, next to Hani. She looked at your eyebags, and then your small wrists. “Are you okay? You look like youre about to faint anytime now.”

You nodded, pulling out your book and your pen. “I’m fine. I guess this is what heartbreak looks like.”

She was about to say something but his voice cut her off.

“Good morning class!” He greeted loudly, walking towards his desk. His hair looked a little bit messy, and there was something off about him. Nonetheless, he still had a smile on his face, although it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Good morning Mr. Jung” the students replied just as loud. You looked down, trying to hide your face so he won’t notice you. You could feel his gaze on you, but you ignored him as you pretended to write something on your notebook.

“I really hope that you all have done your work, because i’m going to collect those in a minute.” He said, not a single emotion on his face. You tried to peek and you regretted doing exactly that in an instant.

He was looking at you with the softest gaze you have ever seen, his beautiful dark brown orbs glistened under the sun’s bright light.

Even though the eye contact only lasted for a few seconds, it almost felt like he read you. You broke the eye contact first, feeling like you would burst in tears if you keep staring.

Jaehyun then started to collect the worksheets, one by one. It made you nervous, because you will have to face him. As he got closer, the more nervous you became. You were not sure what made you nervous. Maybe because you were scared you would do something stupid, Or maybe you were just not strong enough to see his face.

A figure stopped in front of your desk, and you already knew who it was. You shakily gave him your worksheet, refusing to look at his face. He accepted it and left without a word, to your surprise. You sighed, both in relief and disappointment.

You felt your Hani’s concerned gaze on you. “y/n, are you sure you’re okay? You look so pale.”

You turned to her and gave her a weak smile. “I mean, i only eat ramyeon for the past few days but im fine i guess.”

Hani’s eyes widened and she immediately grabbed your shoulder. “Oh my god, why? Are you okay right now? How do you feel? How about your stomach?”

Her voice was loud, so loud that it immediately captured Jaehyun’s attention. He glanced at the two of you, looking concerned. But you looked the other way, hoping that he’ll let it go. He did, thankfully.

You glanced at Hani and gave her yet another small smile, signalling that youre okay. Hani looked concerned, but she nodded and stayed quiet. Jaehyun then went back to his desk and began the lecture.

The whole time he was standing in front of the class, you felt nauseous. Maybe its because of all those ramyeon, or maybe its because of the negative thoughts that you’ve been having these past days, or maybe its because of him? Whichever it was, it got worse and worse as the hours went by. By the time Jaehyun ended his lecture, you can no longer see clearly. Everything was blurry, and spinning. You tried to reach out to Hani, but you can feel your body fell before you can even touch her. Hani’s scream was the last thing you hear before it all went dark.

“y/n, I’m so sorry”

Huh?

You groaned softly as you opened your eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the light. White sheets, white walls, white circular lamp? This is not my room….

You sat up slowly, looking around the room. No one was there but you, sitting on a bed, looking clueless. “I thought i hear someone…”

You shrugged and paid attention to the room, now that your vision got clear. You finally recognized the room and realized that you were in the nursing room.

“Oh great, i’m still here.” You sighed.

Your head still hurts, but you tried to stand up. Mainly because it was already dark, as you can see from the window across the room. Nursing room sure is scary when night comes.

You found your backpack and all your belongings on a chair besides the door. You tried to pack all your things quickly, uncomfortable with the atmosphere. You almost got a heart attack when the door swung open.

It was Jaehyun.

His eyes widened as he saw you on your knees, trying to pack your bags. He quickly pulled you up on your feet and guided you back to the bed. “y/n, what are you doing? You need to rest!”

You stayed quiet, unable to think, unable to process anything. You decided to answer him with the most logical answer, with the smallest voice. “But its already dark…..”

He sighed, and sat beside you. “I’m sorry, okay. I’m really sorry. Are you okay? Do you want to go home now?”

You nodded, trying not to show any emotions. “yes, i want to go home now.”

Jaehyun sighed and looked at your eyes. “we need to talk, you know that right?”

You looked back at him, taking a shaky breath before answering him. “Yes, i think i need to know what happened after i fainted?”

“Thats not what i meant, but okay…” Jaehyun sighed, eyes looking down at his knees. “I brought you here. Hani insisted to stay but i told her to go home, i told her that im going to wait until you wake up, because i know this is my fault.”

You nodded, looking away. It was quiet for a few seconds, none of you know what to say.

“y/n we really need to-“

“I need to go home.” You quickly cut him off, standing up to pick up your bags. Jaehyun immediately stood up too, grabbing your bags before you can. “I’ll take you home.”

“I can go home by myself.” You answered stubbornly, trying to take your bags from his hands. Jaehyun then looked at you straight in the eye.

“No.”

With that, he grabbed all your belongings and also his, and opened the door for you. You wanted to argue, but you were too weak so you decided to just agree with him. He then followed outside and closed the door behind him. You let him guide the way to his car.

When you approached his car, he immediately opened the door for you. Having no choice but to give in, you gave in and sat in defeat. He put the seatbelt and put your bag on the back seat. He then entered the car and set his seatbelt.

It was silent.

The whole ride was silent.

You haven’t even told him your address, but he didn't ask anything. You got a little bit scared, because at first it didn't seem like he was taking you home. But after seeing the familiar bus stops that you usually see on your way home, you sighed in relief. 

The atmosphere was awkward, but it was better than having to talk casually, cause you both know it is not the time to do so.

“y/n?….” He called you softly.

You answered without looking at him. “Yes, Mr. Jung?”

He sighed when he heard your reply, But he decided to let it go. “Can i ask you something?”

You can practically feel your heart thumping loudly, hands started to sweat. “Um, yeah sure. Whatever.”

“Why did you cry?….” He asked softly, eyes still focused on the road. You bit your lips, unsure what to answer. “I cried because it hurts.”

Jaehyun glanced at you, concerned. “What hurts?”

My heart.

“My legs. I fell down the stairs that morning.” You knew it was a lame excuse, But your mind was a mess because of the soft tone that he was using.

Jaehyun was taken aback with your reply. He stayed silent for a few minutes, before nodding and letting out a small “oh”. After that, it was dead silence. He didn’t even try to initiate a conversation or anything. From the corner of your eye, You can see that his soft gaze turned into a sad, disappointed one. But you tried to let it go,because you didn’t want to get your hopes up.

When you arrived at your home, Jaehyun killed the engine and quickly opened the door for you. You managed to say a small thank you and proceed to walk as fast as you can to the front door. Jaehyun stood by his car, unable to do anything as you hurriedly walked to your home. You stopped in front of your door, and looked back. Jaehyun was standing there, looking at you with a sad gaze and a small, forced smile.

Its gonna be now or never.

“Mr. Jung?”

You called out weakly, slowly turning to face him.

“Yes, y/n?” He answered, and this was the first time that his voice sounds weak.

“I Lied.”

“……about what?” He furrowed his eyebrow, confusion written all over his face.

“I cried because i love you.”

His eyes widened as he heard your words. He remained in his place, mouth gaping as if he wants to say something but can’t.

You chuckled bitterly. “It’s okay, Mr. Jung. I know that i have no chance. I just think that letting it all out after holding it in for 2 years would make me feel better. Good luck on your moves, Mr. Jung.”

With that, you quickly turned your body around, trying to open the door as soon as possible. Your movements were stopped by a single hand holding onto your arm.

Jaehyun quickly turned your body around and looked straight into your already glistening eyes.

“Mr. Jung, what are-“

Your words were cut off by a pair of soft lips landing smoothly on top of yours. He was holding the side of your face gently, his other hand holding your waist. You were too struck in the moment that you were unable to move. Why is he kissing me? What about his dream girl?

When he pulled back, you were standing there with your mouth agape. So many things going on right now, So many thoughts in your head. Without even realizing, tear drops have already stained your cheeks.

“Mr. Jung why did-“

With a soft smile, he wiped your tears.

“I told you before, its Jaehyun oppa for you.”

[philanddanxreader]

When I Was Your Man.

Hello, Love Bugs.

Dan X Reader

Warnings- this one is a sad one man. I’m sorry.

Do you do song based imagines? If so, can you do when I was your man by Bruno mars with dan, because idk why but I heard it on the radio and all I was doing was imagine the scene for this, thanks 😁 Your writing so so amazing btw

Three weeks today. That’s how long its been since the two of you took your break. It felt so stupid at the time to say you were going on a break. What does that even mean? The two of you are still dating it’s just that you are not talking to one another. It was stupid. It felt like the coward’s way to say that the two of you were over. You did as the two of you agreed. You didn’t talk to him. You didn’t see anyone else. Not that you wanted to. But most importantly for Dan, you thought about where you wanted to go in your relationship. If you didn’t see yourself in the future with him then what was the point in dragging out the relationship? Instead of staying in a stagnant place with each other. Breaking up would allow the both of you to find someone who you saw a future with. But it had been three weeks and you had thought of it. Sure, maybe your relationship had its ups and downs but didn’t everyone’s?

The three weeks hurt you. All you could hope was that it hurt Dan too. Not in a bad way but in a way to make the both of you realise everything is better with each other. Music didn’t sound so crisp. The bed was never comfortable. The worst was when someone would mention him. Hearing his name made you feel distant. For three weeks, you didn’t even know what he was doing. He could have broken his leg in that time. He could have started a business in that time. But the worst was the thought that he could have found someone new in that amount of time.

Dan could have started talking to someone and have been igniting a relationship with them. while you were sitting in your room at night alone he could have been going on secret dates, kissing around corners and laughing with someone the way you would do with him. You had to push those thoughts away. He was the one who wanted the break. He did give you some bull shit answer about how he wanted it for you. To make sure you still wanted to be with him. If you didn’t want to be with him wouldn’t he think you would have just said that? Two years in and Dan wasn’t certain it was you who wasn’t ready for the next step. When you think about the future it always has Dan in it. Buying a home. Having kids, Not, having kids. Pets? It didn’t matter. You just wanted to do it with him.

It was the first time that your phone had lit up with his smiling face on your phone in forever. He was calling. Calling to make a meeting place that was on a nutral territory. You knew it was childish but you would rather just not deal with it like this. You wanted for him to come to your place. Say this whole thing was stupid and he grab your face in his hands and kiss you to fill up the lack from the almost month of no physical contact. But you couldn’t. Just before your phone would send him to voice mail you answered. Suddenly your voice was gone and you couldn’t say anything. Clearing your throat you tried again.

“Hello?” It felt stupid. You never answer his calls like this. Why are you using your professional phone voice on him?

“Hey.” The line was silent. If you couldn’t hear his breathing you would have thought the phone had gone dead. “I um. How are you?” What a fucking stupid question. Your miserable that how you are.

“I’m fine. How are you?” That’s not what you wanted to say. Tell him to get his adorable ass over here.

“Good, good. So it’s been a while.”

“No shit. Three weeks.” No bad y/n you agreed to play nice.

“I know. Listen.” You could hear him swear away from the phone as he got up from where he was sitting. “I think we need to meet up.”

“You think? Daniel its being almost a month. We need to meet up. I don’t know if you hate my fucking guts or love me.” That didn’t come out as you wanted.

A breathy sigh came from the other end. If he was going to end it you would almost rather have him do it now over the phone. Although if he did it in public you can’t make a scene. “I will meet you at the coffee shop at three.” He was being so short with you. It hurt. It cut worse than any real injury could.

“Okay. Three at the coffee shop.” Dan agreed as he said a quick goodbye. Ending a call without saying I love you felt like he just buried the relationship right then and there. Three weeks apart and he talks to you like it a telemarketer that is calling at supper time. Annoying and inconvenient. It was inconvenient to dump you. It would have been easier to say you wanted a break and then dump all your crap you had left at his house on the stoop.

You had to push these thoughts away and get ready. If you were getting dumped you weren’t going to go in some sweats and a hoodie. You found that top that made your boobs look good. The shorts that made you slightly self-conscious. But lastly, you wore the necklace he had given you for your birthday the first year you started dating. You could give everything back of his later. But this would be the first to go. You never took it off. Well not until the break. Moments after getting home from the conversation you had to remove it. It was burning into your skin. A distasteful reminder that you were no longer needed. After you removed it the jewellery sat on your dresser mocking you. Until now. You thought it might give you the same string as before. But now all it made you feel was the cold against your skin.

You had reached the coffee shop early. You wanted to have the upper hand. You found a spot in the corner far from everyone. At one point Dan and yourself had sat here for a different type of privacy. You couldn’t decide if you should play on your phone or watch the door for him to enter. If you played on your phone you would miss him walking in. Possibly the last time you watch him walk into your life. It was decided to turn off the sound and slip it into your bag. If you had in reach all you would do is watch the seconds go by as it got closer and closer to three. You looked around the little place thankful not to see that many people. There was an elderly lady in the front reading a romance novel and drinking tea. I bet she doesn’t need to sit here and wait for someone to break her heart.  You wondered if the person in her book will get her heart broken in some extravagant way. Most likely not as romance novels never end on a terrible note. Well not unless there is a sequel. Then you put your readers on edge. Leaving them with the second last thought the character has. Never letting them finish there piece. As if he read your mind Dan walked up to the doors doing just that. He looked the same for the most part. In black jeans and a black shirt. His hair was curly. That little front one teasing you as if to say. “Bet you want to play with me when you’re cuddling him. Too bad.” Fucking hair. His eyes had darker circles under them. They matched yours. Yours were from lack of sleep without him. He was probably from thinking on how to dump you quickly and efficiently so he can meet his new bitch in a brisk fifteen. “Nah shouldn’t take long to shake her off.” Not that Dan had ever talked like that. But then again you hadn’t seen him in a dog’s age. Maybe he gained a California surfer dude way of speaking. Dan finally sat down across from you avoiding all eye contact possible with you. It was silent for a long time. Just the sounds of the coffee place of cups clinking and the sound of the latte machine. Oh and the sound of your heartbeat in your ears. That was the most prevalent sound. It was a battle of who would talk first and you couldn’t be sure if you wanted to be the one to break the silence first. But somehow against your wishes you started.

“You look tired.” Nice opener. Everyone knows that when you say you look tired you look like shit.

“I am. It’s been a long three weeks.” Dan played with his thumbs as he continued to search his brain for the right words. The same words he had been playing over in his mind for so long. “This break was the stupidest idea ever. It’s dragging out the inevitable and or making us miserable.”  He said or.

“You said or.” Dan finally looked up at you for the first time letting his eyes connect with yours. “Don’t play with my emotions.” Dan knew what you meant.

“I can’t give you what you want in life. No, I can’t give you what you deserve in life. It’s too late to go back and do all the things we should have done. We could have worked out. Well, we can’t know that for sure. But.” You held up your hand looking at him with desperate eyes.

“Don’t say you’re not good enough. You have always been what I wanted in life. My life isn’t complete without you.” Dan took the hand you had held up to him and clasped it tight like he always did. The familiarity hurt.

“For a moment stop thinking only about the good. Think about the bad. The times we wouldn’t talk, the times we would scream and yell. The times when you stayed silent because it was easier than rocking the boat. How many more of those are in your memory than the good. The times when you wanted to go and explore the world and grow as a person and I held you back. How many times did you turn down things because of me?” He wasn’t wrong but those didn’t seem to matter. You didn’t feel bogged down by him.

“But those don’t out way the good. You make my worldview with rose coloured glasses. I can’t sleep without you. Who knew my bed could feel so big? I can’t see anyone because when they ask about you it hurts too much. My life is so intertwined with you how could I ever leave?”

“That’s the thing. If our lives weren’t tied together would we still even be together? Besides our friends and families. We have lost interest in each other’s hobbies. We have nothing to talk about anymore. You said it yourself to your best friend. You know a relationship has run its course when you can’t stand the person beside you even breathing. Why are we letting each other fall in a path of boredom and regret? When you honestly think about the future with me does it make you happy to think about sitting across from each other in the lounge at night? Or eating every dinner in silence. Because I don’t. It makes me sick to think of the both of us settling because it’s easier than finding someone who we can spend a life with and never get bored. Never hate them to the core even though you are madly in love with them.”

“You love me so you’re throwing me away.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“I love you so much that I am willing to give up you, my happiness, to find someone new who can give you what you need in life.” You tried to be brave and not cry. You almost wish he had found someone new so then at least you can call him an asshole or say that he was the bad guy in this. But you couldn’t. He was doing what was right for the both of you.

“I don’t want to find someone new.” Dan had moved spots from across of you to beside you to pull you into his chest. You may be breaking up but he wasn’t heartless.

“I’m not fond of the idea of seeing anyone but myself with you. But I know it’s the best for us.” You pushed your face further into his shirt not caring that it was now becoming wet from your tears. Dan’s arms were wrapped around you. One stroking your hair, the other rubbing little circles on your back.

‘you make it hard for me to want to hate you. When you break up you’re not meant to look for comfort in that person.” Dan smiled into your hair as he placed a kiss to the crown of your head.

“I don’t hate you. I never want to hate you.” The sobs leaving you were hideous and loud but the old lady with the romance novel was none of your concern. This was probably more interesting than her book anyways.

“I’m not ready to let go of you yet.” Dan nodded still making little shh noises to help calm you.

“I’m not ready to let go of you yet.” The two of you stayed this way for a long time before you lifted your head and placed little quick kisses to his neck and jaw. “Y/N. What are you doing love?” Love. That hurt more than expected.

“I just need to remember how you smell. And how you taste. Or the feeling of your hair under my lips.” Dan, let you continue as you made your way up to his lips. The both of you knew you shouldn’t but it was the magnetic draw that had kept you close for two years. Your lips touched his hoping for them to give you what you wanted. That spark. The feeling you would get when you would give him a little kiss and then beg for another and another. That feeling was gone. “Can you walk me home? I think a crying girl walking down the street may raise some attention.” Dan agreed as he helped you from your spot. Leaving the place that once held so many dates and good memories of the two of you was now a cold place that smelled of burnt coffee and old sweets being tossed into the bin. Walking home Dan didn’t hold your hand. You don’t remember a time where you walked with him holding his palm in yours. No matter how sweaty each other, hands were. Now your hands felt cold in the breeze. Reminding your silently that this was going to be the new normal. You reached your door as Dan stood beside you. Not really sure on what to say or how to say it.

“I will bring your things over in a week or so. Or if you rather I can have Phil bring them.”

“I will let you know. But I will do the same.” You paused before reaching behind your neck to unhook the necklace that you were ready to throw in a dramatic fashion earlier. “I can’t keep it. Sell it, give it away. I just can’t keep it.” Dan nodded and took the delicate silver piece from you. He wanted to tell you it was yours but he knew he wouldn’t win the fight. He pocketed the item and decided he would slip it into the box of your things later for you to find.

“Don’t think that because were breaking up you can’t call me.” You gave a short nod as you had started to feel the tears fill up again.

“Love you, Dan.” You were pulling into a quick hard hug before Dan took a step back.

“Love you Y/N.” Get some sleep tonight.” Part 2

[sweet-popplio]

It feels weird y’know? Growing up all your life being the artist in a small town. I’ve always been a negative person, seeing the glass as half full, the pessimist, heck, even family members and friends would point it out.

It’s a wonder that same pessimism spills into my art now. It didn’t always, but now I feel it in every stroke. Like I've lost the love for it and it feels almost robotic to put color or a line on a page. And I can tell my art has not life in it right now. Every time I look at what I’ve made lately it just feels fake. It’s forced and lifeless. Every line looks stiff, every character seems to lack any kind of life. 

And I just lay in bed wishing it could be like when i was in middle school or high school. When I drew and it made me happy. It helped with my boredom and I got to make stories and characters! No matter how shitty people would be, I could turn to art to make me feel better. 

But now that joy is gone. I can’t seem to draw my own characters anymore without feeling guilty that I should be doing something else. I feel like I’m only allowed to draw fan art anymore because it’s the only thing that seems to get me noticed. And while I do love shows and movie characters, it becomes monotonous after a while. Rather than drawing it because I love the show and the characters, I feel like I have to draw them in order to get any kind of notice or recognition. Especially at conventions where fan art is what sells. I’ve made original pieces to sell at conventions before but I’m lucky if I even sell one of them at a show.

I wish this feeling of guilt would leave. Any time I take away to try and draw something for myself or read a book... I find I can no longer concentrate on them. I get the intense feeling that if it doesn’t make me money in some way, then why am I wasting my time? I feel guilty after playing video games too. So I end up just laying in bed not having the motivation to work on fan art for conventions and feeling too guilty about doing something fun for myself. I can’t seem to enjoy myself which I think is why I no longer feel satisfaction with whatever I’m doing. Finishing a print no longer gives me the feeling of accomplishment. 

And this has been what I’ve been struggling with since I graduated from art school. Art is no longer something I can derive joy from, it can only be work that makes me money.

With putting up commissions, starting up a patreon and putting all the artwork into those to make them look nice... only to have no one interested... it feels like shit. And I don’t WANT to make some kind of post begging for money. I don’t want people to pity commission me. I want people to commission me because they like my art and feel the price is worth it. Because I do work hard on them! And I priced them at minimum wage according to how long it took me to make the examples.

People reblogging and liking the post is... nice. But when I get no interest whatsoever it really kills me. And I’m trying to think of it as everyone is in a tight spot money wise. I shouldn’t expect everyone to be in the market to buy commissions. But everyday when I see a notification in my inbox and hoping that it is a commission order... and instead it’s junkmail? I die a little inside. 

It’s like my whole life is a disappointment and I’m the biggest disappointment of them all. After I got fired back in January I thought I’d give art another try. I wanted to try making it my living. And I started out strong and surprisingly optimistic! I tried to make something everyday and I put together my patreon! But as weeks went by and it felt like no one cared, I suddenly just... stopped.

I just keep crying thinking about it. I lay awake just WISHING that I could love drawing again, but it’s hard when I have no income and it feels like everything I make has to make me money. I grew up wanting to make art my job, because I thought it meant I could draw what I wanted and then ended up severely disappointed when that wasn’t the case.

And even my therapist asked me “has there ever been anything else you wanted to do job wise?” and other than be an astronaut for a grand total of a year in elementary school... I haven’t. Because art made me happy, and I saw it as my calling in life. Everything else seemed boring in comparison.

So now I feel like I’m stuck in a grey area, fighting to keep out of the dark but never making it to the light. Just TRYING to stay relatively functional. Every now and then I will experience a brief moment of happiness, but then it’s like as soon as it is gone I’m just left in my own self loathing. Any moment I’m not with a friend... I feel utterly alone in every sense of the word. It feels almost crushing sometimes.

And I’ll start wishing I had someone but then my brain will remind me that I’m unlovable. I’m too negative, fat, either clingy or distant, I’m not all that pretty either. I never understood what the 3 people who asked me out saw in me. It just didn’t make sense. What would ANYONE see in me other than a facade? Because they really didn’t know me, I feel like if they did they would have changed their minds. And the first guy that I agreed to go out with? I didn’t even like him. I only dated him because I thought I would never have anyone interested in me ever again. And the entire time I dated him I felt like a fraud. I felt like I had somehow fooled him into liking me. Because I don’t even like me.

My therapist is trying to have me see myself as my own friend. Every time I say something negative about myself she wants me to imagine I’m saying it to a friend. But it doesn’t work because I can’t imagine it. I would never say any of the things i think about myself to my friends. But imagining myself as my own friend and saying it to myself is impossible. And trying to control a negative train of thought like that, that I’ve had since middle school? Elementary school? How do I even do that? I’ve been trying to go easier on myself but it feels like everyone around me expects me to turn into some kind of positive flower hippie over night. 

And I know I’m supposed to reach out to people and ask if they want to hang out. But I feel guilty asking if they don’t initiate it first. Like me asking them feels like I’m guilting them into hanging out with me. So I’ve gotten into the habit of not asking. I feel like if they wanted to hang out they would ask me first. And if they don’t ask then I know that I’m not wanted. Everyone else has jobs and important things going on in their lives and I just lay in bed staring at the wall or sleeping all day.

I mean who would want to hang out with someone who is quiet and even when they aren’t quiet they are talking about negative things? I feel like a piece of shit anytime I message someone and it ends up being nothing but negative stuff spewing out my mouth. Like as soon as they ask how my day is and I say “okay” and then proceed it with depressing shit I’ve been feeling.

And now that the cold weather has passed and it’s warming up outside, I can no longer wear my hoodie without sweating like a pig. So I have to wear my t-shirts and I become very self conscious of my arms. Because they are chubby and covered in stretch marks. I would love to lose weight but it feels like every time I finally do lose a few pounds, I gain it back as soon as I feel extremely sad again. It makes me insanely jealous to see skinny friends getting to wear clothes they love because I know I can’t. You wanna know what hurts the most though? When fucking facebook does those “this photo was taken so and so years ago today” and lately it has been bringing up my photos from high school when I was on weight watchers. And even photos of when I first went to art school. I wasn’t exactly skinny but I was the skinniest I had ever been, I felt good about my appearance more often because I could actually wear a small or medium shirt that I loved and feel comfortable in my own skin. And seeing those photos makes me hate myself even more. Seeing myself 7 years younger and slimmer... then looking in the mirror and seeing all the weight I have gained... It makes me feel like shit. I went from 165 pounds to 245. And despite trying low calorie diets and “fat burning” diets... nothing seemed to work because I was too depressed to keep it up for long. And it’s hard to exercise when you are tired all the time and you can feel arthritis in your knees and fingers. Being out in public is hard when I can’t wear a hoodie or jacket, as if it can somehow hide the fat. At least people wouldn’t see the stretchmarks and cellulite in my arms, and I almost feel angry when I see friends getting to enjoy themselves and not feel like they are being judged for wearing a sleevless shirt. I envy that. 

And I know this is a long post and there is no way in hell anyone else would read this, but god this has been on my mind a lot and it hurts a lot. All of it does. I’ve mentioned all of this to my therapist at one point or another but it’s all kind of the same. That I need to learn to be happy with myself. But how the fuck do you do that?

How can I feel good about myself when I would cut my hair in the past and people would say that it looks bad short because I no longer have the hair to “frame my face” by which they mean hide the fat in my face. How can I feel good about myself when I work hard for something like art only to feel no kind of positive reinforcement? No interest from anyone else? I know she has told me not to base my happiness on others but all I want is someone to care... and I mean really care. It’s nice when  a friend reblogs my art, but when a stranger does? And leaves a comment? Like god it feels like even for a moment I have earned my right to live on earth.

I feel like in order for me to justify being alive I have to have the praise of others. If no one likes me or my art then what am I here for? Why do I deserve to exist if I am only tolerated? idk man....

I’m just blubbering and crying and wishing somehow everything could feel good again. Like even if I could just feel happy with my art again I feel like it would be okay to live.