#idk it mentions hospice so I like to be safe

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

I know this is a witchcraft blog but this feels like it belongs here anyway. This is... genuinely something I hope I remember to implement myself, because it's so helpful????

What’s going to make you happy right now? Is it some cake? Is it a nap? Is it calling your mom? Is it going on a drive and blasting music? Is it taking a bath? Is it reading a book?

Check in with yourself because you deserve that happiness, whatever it is.

[thehighpriestexx420]

Just a vent post. There’s something about putting it out there versus just writing it in a secret journal. Idk exactly what. Because I don’t expect or even necessarily want this to get attention. Maybe it’s the implication to myself that I might be heard.

TW: sui, existential crisis/POCD like thoughts?

I’ve struggled with pretty severe mental illness since I was 12 yrs old, now being a 28 yr old. Or 29 yr old? I don’t even remember. I just did the calculations and I’ve been 29 since May 10 this year.

This is the first time I’ve forgotten my age. I can see this being a testament to the memory/dissociation issues I’ve been experiencing. Time is a blur and practically nonexistent to me. My therapist can testify to this as well - seeing as how I’ve missed multiple appointments due to me forgetting to even write them down in my calendar. I hardly think it’s a reach/paranoia that I feel like she no longer wants to work with me. I don’t blame her whatsoever.

My diagnosis are pre onset? ADD, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and borderline personality disorder - for context. I’ve thought and compared my state of being to being a “vegetable”. The kind I recently talked to my mom about being one of my biggest fears of being. The kind where they’re helpless & hardly have a life. I told her to please put me out of my misery if that were to happen to me. She has worked in hospice and understood.

When it comes to issues like mine, there’s hardly the same understanding. The mere mention of “death with dignity”/physician assisted death in this case strikes fear in most people. But it’s legal in some states with “terminal illnesses”.

I understand “suicide” can be a grey area and 9 times out of 10 the wrong decision to make. I don’t have a plan. I still have enough hope to keep going. If not only for the sake of preventing despair in my family. I honestly think that those who’ve witnessed my suffering alongside me might have a part of them that’d be relieved that my suffering has ended. Of course that doesn’t take away from the sadness of the situation and that anyone would suffer so much that the end of their life is viewed as a better alternative.

I’m just exploring the idea I suppose. I’m wondering if it would be the most sensible thing to do.

What would being happy and fulfilled with my life feel like? Being content. Being happy to be alive?

Am I living if I don’t even know what’s real and not? How can I ever know for sure what’s real? I’d imagine no one can and it’s simply in our best interest to accept that with peace.

I think the importance I place in certainty is likely due to my sense of safety. How can I feel safe in a relationship if I don’t truly know whether or not they love me? It’s almost like my brain is on autopilot in a desperate attempt to analyze the fuck out of everything in order to somehow prevent oncoming tragedy and danger.

I’ve even questioned if my own feelings for my *dog* are real. Those adorable innocent creatures many of us can agree are such? What if that’s merely our perception and projection? What if they’re merely animals with instincts for survival and don’t truly love us? What if nothing matters and my feelings aren’t actually real? That’s the type of shit I constantly live with. Amongst other things I may write about later but don’t have the capacity to do right now.

[sniffanimal]

vague tw that I'm talking about weird fears and triggers I have, I'm gonna try and not be detailed but listing them above the cut seems redundant so only read below if you want to read about weird upsetting things

notably death, pregnancy, and suicide are mentioned.

I have like 4 fears that are like to my core absolute terror fears and like 3 of them are the easiest things to never encounter and the last one is so unlikely but they're still like terrifying to me

one is freezing to death, specifically on a mountain. I hate hiking and rock climbing already, so I'm likely never going to climb a mountain in the first place, let alone an icy mountain. but I'm terrified of dying in the cold, especially from low oxygen/nitrogen poisoning.

similarly, I'm terrified of being far underwater, really more than a few feet underwater in general. I'm afraid of drowning, but also afraid of decompression and nitrogen poisoning. I don't like swimming in the first place so the odds of me like, scuba diving, are so slim. but I'm so scared

those two also combine to my fear of dying in the vacuum of space, which again is very easy to not do.

next, I'm VERY afraid of getting pregnant. this is relatively easy to avoid, using contraceptives and such, but stuff like the Handmaid's Tale is deep horror to me. the entire process of pregnancy makes me sick, I'm scared of not only like the social emotional repercussions of having a baby, that's also terrifying, but the medical biological process of developing a baby and giving live birth is skin crawlingly terrifying to me. I think it's similar to how most people feel about the idea of getting a parasite. part of the horror is the fact that my body is designed to do this, and that people all over love doing it and seek out doing it, and it's regarded as a general good. what if you woke up one day and everyone was telling you it's extremely good and normal to have tapeworms and that God will bless you with a tapeworm someday. horrifying.

the last one that I can think of is assisted suicide. my full opinion is just people have a right to make informed medical choices about their bodies and nothing further than that. but something very specific about assisted suicide like gives me the willies. idk what aspect of it is, maybe it's just my entire history of suicide prevention depression therapy repelling against the notion of it being the best option for someone, idk. hospice care also sorta freaks me out in general. I think I'm really just scared of death in its many forms, but that's anxiety, babe!

I find the fact that I'm watching Grey's anatomy, a show where death is probably the second biggest plot driving force behind sex, interesting. It's kind of like watching a horror movie you know will scare you, or looking at a picture of something fucked up out of morbid curiosity. it helps knowing it's a TV show and thus not real, so it's like a safe way to engage with this fear of death in a way.