#idk it just always makes me reminisce my whole life and all the people i've known throughout the years

[puccafangirl]

Some I remember Some I forget Some of them living Some of them dead And all I want is to be Home

Foo Fighters - Home

This song is so meaningful and hits me so hard and makes me emotional every time I listen to it. Especially those lyrics in particular. Thank you, Shaun the Sheep Movie for introducing me to such a beautiful song. ❤️

[justalilguyoops]

What made you think about writing LAWS in the reverse perspective? Felix being obsessive and Ollie being....less

omg.....this is such a good question!!!! hello anon and thank you for this hehehe

okay so I'm pretty sure i had a eureka, light bulb over the head moment but I don't remember what or when exactly it was

BUT! there were a few things that led up to it! I wasn't originally planning on doing another fic and definitely not a long fic, but idk i think i was possessed probably

one of the things that made me go "huh. interesting idea" was reading a post on tumblr about how Felix probably thinks he's in a romcom, how his party outfit is reminiscent of Baz Luhrmann's Juliet in R&J. So that got me thinking about the film from Felix's perspective.

Another thing that also caught my attention is how much this fandom (and me) eats up an obsessive/possessive/jealous lil bitch Felix. I also think there's proof in the film that Felix IS possessive over Oliver.

Barry Keoghan's rizz was also another factor. I can't remember what video or what really triggered it, but I thinkkkk maybe his Hot Ones interview? But I think there was another video way before that too that gave me the initial idea, since I think LAWS originally sprouted in my brain like....20 chapters before WIPIP ended.

I was just like "wow....his power...." and I do think Oliver had like a bit of his charisma, but...what if....i dialed it up to Barry Keoghan's innate level? what if oliver had that goin awn?

I also came up with the line in chapter 7, where Oliver asks if Vee is pretty and when Felix gets defensive and asks why, oliver just responds with "Figured. Y’know, because you are."

i wanted....to use that....so badly once my brain produced it

Oxford days of the film also particularly captivated me, mainly the moments of the montage. The guitar scene was a HUGE contributing factor for me wanting to write LAWS in Oxford days.

why did I do LAWS in modern day?

Primarily because I wanted Felix to vape. truly. that was like the main reason.

Along with just a generally more accepting culture of LGBTQIA+, cellphones, and social media. I wanted to make all of them even worse by giving them access to tiktok <3

So, more or less, I did want to write LAWS as a college romcom, something much lighter and totally different from WIPIP.

I wanted to do it from Felix's POV because WIPIP was more predominantly Oliver (despite switching POV each chapter; it was still very much Oliver's story and we all tended to view the story as a whole from his POV).

The reversal of role was motivated by Felix being the possessive one first!!! This was a SUPER long answer and I'm going to include a bit more beneath this, but warning: It contains spoilers for PART ONE of LAWS!

DON'T READ BELOW IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED LAWS PART ONE!

------

I was also just really interested in exploring the Quick family. In the film, we view them as kind people who care about their son, which y'know, makes oliver look terrible for his lies.

HOWEVER! There has to be a reason that Oliver is what he is. Obviously, people develop individuality on their own and not everything is a product of nurture vs. nature, but I do believe that there's something to that. Parts of us can be a product of our environment.

Also, if you've read my past writing, you know I really enjoy religious themes, specifically Christianity.

Fun fact, but I am and have been atheist my whole life, my whole family is. I've never attended a church service.

BUT i am extremely fascinated by it (which def reflects in my writing lol) and enjoy exploring all the ideas, stories, and culture. I did notice in the film that Paula wears a cross necklace, which kinda indicates that they are religious in some variation.

What if the Quicks always knew that Oliver was bisexual? What if they never spoke of it? Oliver, always on his own at school. Never had any friends. Why were his parents OKAY with that?

Personally, if my parents noticed something like that they'd want to have a conversation with me or my school: was I being bullied? were there any issues on the playground? why did I not have any friends?

Instead, Paula uses excuses of him being "so clever", kind of brushing off her son's loneliness? idk, they very clearly love their son, but there are some little indications that Oliver struggled in his youth and his parents never really addressed it? (obviously all of this is just a theory and think i've kinda come up with)

SOOOOO i wanted to investigate that in modern day. The kind of outdated and conservative ideals of a religious family and their bisexual son. (of course still happens all over the world, but in my personal life I feel like I don't hear about this experience as often. I live on the west coast of the USA which I think is a contributing factor)

AND I WANT TO SAY I hope that my stories and references to religion are never harmful to those that are religious. I try hard to be respectful and honest with information.

I find religions to be super interesting and never intend to be insensitive! I try to do a lot of research, but obviously as someone kinda standing outside and looking in, I may get things wrong.

I don't intend for LAWS to be disrespectful towards Christianity; I'm merely trying to write a story about what has and is happening to many LGBTQIA+ youths in strict religious households. I know of many religious families that unequivocally love their queer children, but there's always the other side of the coin.

anyways!!! longest answer ever!!! sorry for this word vomit!!! and thank you again for such a wonderful question hehe

[silviakundera]

DRAMA REC: So I feel like any real review of Thai drama Moonlight Chicken is hard without heavy spoilers because honestly I don't know how to talk about what makes me passionate about it without discussing all the character relevations that occur over the course of its 8 episodes. I'll try to be generic as much as I can.

The thing about why it's hard to discuss without spoilers is that the characters and their full baggage are revealed slowly episode by episode, because like in real life you often learn about new friends & love interests slowly as intimacy deepens...

But from what I can see online, it's very subjective for viewers - depends on the person if they find these themes and personal challenges compelling or not. This doesn't fit with the typical "BL asian drama" format.

My personal viewing stake: There's an otp that has TAKEN OVER MY BRAIN. I have been searching for this energy ever since finishing Lighter & Princess. Gotta confess that I couldn't care less about the second couple who are teenagers. Apparently MDL and a lot of tumblr only liked the teen couple (valid!), but I just skipped over them mostly because when my brain locks in on Real Adults with Adult Problems I often cease to connect to high school student storylines. But the age gap couple with a 39 year old character who is FEELING his age... Jim & Wen. I've watched all 8 episodes now and they are like cocaine to me.

Ep 1 setup: We're not in Bangkok! (gasp) Jim is almost-40 and runs a late night diner in the less upscale part of town. Wen, about 10 years younger, is drunk at his diner as he's trying to close for the night. They pick up on the unspoken signals, instant electric connection, and end up wandering back to Jim's place and having what looks like fantastic sex together (without exchanging names).

But then after that first night, in the remaining 7 ep of the show you get a slowburn build up from zero as Jim doesn't want a relationship - with anyone. This is truly, sincerely a 'it's not you, it's me" situation. He is mired in baggage and the angst is SO DELICIOUS to me. Angst and soft hand touches and late night conversation. There's YEARNING. SO MUCH YEARNING.

And then my darling Wen! Who brings almost the same energy as the Lighter and Princess FL. @dangermousie I never thought I'd see this irrepressible determination and tender, good humored patience again! He is deeply sure that there is something special here with Jim and is unrelenting about trying to scale Jim's walls. I know that sounds like psychotic SML material lmao but it's all about the tone and context. It's very clear that Jim is allowing Wen in his life and doesn't, deep down, want Wen to give up on him. He's damaged and scared but I always felt he wants Wen to be right - that they are falling in love and can build something real together. He just can't make himself take that step. I mean, in their 2nd meeting he is EQUALLY INSANE to agree that it's v normal and hinged behavior to let his 1 night stand start randomly showing up to work shifts at his diner as 'temp staff' he can't afford to pay because... um. Basically to stalk him? idk I don't think it's stalking when u have a mutual agreement?? 🤔

Wen falling deeper into Jim and KNOWING the feeling is mutual no matter how many times he's (so gently!) pushed back... can be sooooo personal. 😭😭😭 The vibes of this "we're Not Together™" but it's inevitable, I'm just waiting for the timing to be right... reminiscent of the last 10 episodes of Lighter & Princess. This building intimacy and tenderness that stretches on until as a viewer you feel like... They ARE in love, they're together but just without the sex. They just have to stabilize their lives first before committing whole-heartedly. THE BITTERSWEET PINGING. (screams)

One thing I've observed is many people seem to struggle to connect with Jim's character. The closest thing we have to a protagonist (?) Maybe. Anyway, I suspect it might be a generational thing. I found the drama incredibly compelling, but I grew up queer in the 80s and 90s. I'm well into my 40s, a bit older than Jim, but I think the generational queer experience overlaps pretty well considering the sociopolitical differences btw us/thailand.

The screenwriter is an older out gay man, so I presume that's also a factor in how he did a pitch-perfect depiction of Jim's struggles to find home.

Wen has his own baggage that feels very real and raw. I loved his storyline because I could personally relate to it also from my queer relationship experience.

I've blabbered on here before about how I feel like there's something different about queer stories being told to other queers, not targeted to straight viewers primarily - I'm not saying it's better than the big brands and popular international media including lgbt rep. It's just different imo and I do think it's valuable. I want to see stories about the complexities of the experience & about the gay community that can't just be mapped to straight people. Where the story would not feel the same if you flipped the sexualities. That's what Midnight Chicken was to me: the characters of Jim and Wen and their personal development & slow love story together felt very queer and the age gap was a relevant part of this. And that called to me. I could recognize parts of myself in them and my personal experiences as a gay woman.

I was impressed by the writing. Strong acting. The directing of individual scenes is excellent BUT the 1 big flaw is the editing. Very amateur, super abrupt scene changes! Just jarring. But whatever, I've seen some terrible editing in cdramas too. Also note the storytelling tactic is to show a series of meaningful moments & interactions over like 6-8 months of time. Events progress in ways we don't always see and it's not always spelled out to the audience, everything that happened since we last saw them. That may or may not work for the viewer.

[Plus there's a very sweet & wholesome teen love story that also gets a happy ending, if you're into that. One of the teens is deaf and there's no "cure the disability" nonsense, don't worry. I was adult-focused but I did appreciate the complicated family relationship subplot with Jim trying to caretake his nephew and their relationship to the mostly-absent sister.]

ok so now into spoiler territory. Letting the relevations come out organically would be a much better viewing experience BUT...

SPOILERS ON JIM & WEN BACKSTORY

Jim's whole deal is he had a big love in his late 20s-early 30s that fucked him up good. He grew up being told gay love isn't real, leaves his rural farming town with his sister in their teens, disconnected from his family... But even his sister, who loves him, had the perspective that it's Just A Phase. Jim expects to Prove Them Wrong. Then his boyfriend cheats on him.... With a woman. Activate that generation's internalized homophobia and self-doubt. And then before he gets to truly confront his partner, his partner dies in an accident. So he never gets resolution.

And he's stuck under a mountain of debt, on the edge of poverty because he didn't get any of the guy's assets when he died of course. No rights under Thai law. Partner's family takes it all but the old car & the cat. All he has is the small chicken rice shop they had bought and ran together and it's killing him, he both hates and loves it. He's this amazing member of the local community but doesn't see himself and his own worth clearly.

Wen is working through the guilt of falling out of love from his 1st gay relationship that lasted 5 years of his 20s. Broken up but still living together. Trying to stay in each other's lives (I've seen this a lot, because in small gay communities you don't just cut ties with good people you care about). But living together is toxic for both of them, despite the real care that's there.

He also feels disconnected from a community at the start. He has work collegues, all straight friends, and his now-ex boyfriend. But you get the subtle sense that his local ties are all with the boyfriend Alan's family and mutual friends with Alan who don't all know about the breakup yet and he doesn't know how to interface with them anymore now that he and Alan aren't the same. He's the one who fell out of love, so he's "the bad guy" here and the straight friend he tries to talk to about trying to co-habititate with his ex and stay close friends doesn't really get it, because that's just way more typical behavior for older generation queers - it's notable that when the situation is fully explained to Jim, he doesn't seem to find it bizarre at all (as said, I've gone through that myself, and known friends in that situation; found that subplot to be very well done.) (I read that many viewers were disappointed this wasn't a standard infidelity situation where Wen is just regular cheating on Alan, but I have to say that I feel the opposite. The subplot and how it played out felt very relatable to me. I didn't need a cheating angst plotline in this drama that could be transplanted into a straight drama. I wanted more stories that represented my lived experience as an adult lesbian, and Wen's narrative gave me that.)

Wen keeps searching for a home even while living with Alan and having loved him in the past. Which to me was a sign that he'd moved to this smaller city, living in Alan's condo and in Alan's life with Alan's extended family... He started eating beef because Alan did and following along. He doesn't know where HE feels at home, what Wen needs to be comfortable and happy. When he more & more starts to believe he can make this home with Jim, he's determined to make it happen.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

I don’t remember if I or anyone else has given this song yet… but Tongues & Teeth by The Crane Wives is so Alex

I love this song, but i usually relate it to Desert Duo (from third life and double life, idk if you know what that is but it's a cool minecraft series and its amazing so you should lol) so I'd never even thought about it in the context of Sorry, It's Locked.

But oh my god?

You're so right?

It's so Alex?

Anyway, uh, Too long and very armature analysis incoming. As usual lol. I have far too many thoughts, as always, about my babies, and I've been writing sorry its locked Jam for the last couple days so I need to remind myself of the dumpster fire of a relationship the fic started with :D (I'm kidding, i love Jaylex in this fic and wish I hadn't done them so dirty, they could have been amazing. but also i love angst)

This whole song feel's like Alex kinda, like, reminiscing over his and Jay's relationship? Or, like, how it ended, but like, reminiscing in the moment? Do you know what I mean? Or is reminiscing over something while it's still happening just a me thing lol. Anyway, super long thing incoming (I'm so sorry, it's so long. This song has me in a chokehold).

I've grown a mouth so sharp and cruel It's all that I can give to you, my dear And when you come in quick to steal a kiss My teeth will only cut your lips, my dear

As far as Alex is concerned, his relationship with Jay didn't start out bad. Back in college, when they started their fwb situation it was pretty healthy (though that did go downhill relatively quickly) It started out fine, but tension grew as soon as Alex realized that Jay actually liked him and that he couldn't bring himself to like Jay back, or to allow himself to like Jay back. That started the friction between them, but they kept fucking because it was fun, they both enjoyed themselves, and Jay didn't call it off yet. Alex definitely liked Jay, but he didn't necessarily know he liked Jay back. And didn't know how to express it, so he just didn't.

Then obviously the stuff with the Operator started, and that changed Alex's personality a lot, making him irritable and unpleasant to be around, even for the people he'd been friends with the longest. His mouth grew sharp and cruel, but he didn't break off his thing with Jay because it was the one place where he actually felt in control of his life. Jay did what Alex told him to, and Alex didn't have to wrestle with himself to not be unkind to him, because that was what Jay wanted (as far as he'd made Alex aware, that was what he wanted out of their dynamic)

If Jay tried to initiate anything softer, or more romantic with Alex back in college (or even just mentioned it, sometimes) Alex would shut him down. His teeth cut Jay's lips when Jay went in to steal a kiss, because Alex couldn't let himself get attached, and if he let Jay kiss him without it being used as something to spur them on to acts where Alex was definitively in control, he wouldn't be able to cope with it.

(jesus this is already so long. im so sorry if you decide to read all of this dude)

And I know that you mean so well But I am not a vessel for your good intent

Jay trying to help Alex after they meet up again is pretty much the last thing Alex actually wants. He asked Jay for help to find Amy while his thoughts were being edited and glitched out by the Operator, so when he first got in contact with Jay again, he did it so he could try and kill Jay. Then he regained his senses a little and realized that the absolute worst thing Jay could do was stick around. Like, obviously Jay meant well in trying to help Alex, but Alex hadn't meant well when he'd asked for help.

Jay wants to help, and he want's to rebuild the friendship he once had with Alex. He wants to help find Amy, despite Alex leaving him for her. He wants to help figure out what happened to Alex back in college. He wants to help figure out how to save Alex from what he's figured out happened. But Alex isn't the person Jay's well intentioned helpfulness should be aimed towards.

Alex doesn't really think he needs saving, he's convinced he has to save everyone else. But he has a twisted understanding of what it means to save people, and his idea of saving people often directly lines up with the things the Operator edits his thoughts to make him do. He doesn't (can't) realize that the things he does to save people (killing them) and the things the Operator edits his thoughts to make him think it's okay to do (killing those same people) are the same thing.

When he has a bit more sense about him, he realises that killing because it's what the Operator put in his head is awful and not something he wants to do. But he doesn't see killing people to 'save them' as the same thing. He barely even sees it as killing half the time, and even when he does, it's for the greater good.

So he doesn't think he needs help and he doesn't think he needs saving. And even if he did realise he needs help, Alex doesn't believe himself worthy of being helped or saved, not when he knows what he really intended to do when he first asked Jay for help.

I will only break your pretty things I will only wring you dry of everything And if you're fine with that You can be mine like that

SO i have two lines of thinking about what this verse could mean

Post College:

Alex doesn't break pretty items that Jay owns (he doesn't have any that Alex could break, really) but he does break Jay in a way. After they argue in the parking lot, he realizes that Jay isn't going to stop trying to help him, no matter what, so he'll have to force him to, by breaking Jay's heart and making him hate him.

Jay's heart is a pretty thing: It was loving even when Alex was giving it nothing but a good fuck in return. It made Jay help Alex with his student film even as Alex became more and more unbearable to work with. It made Jay come back to help Alex all over again when his girlfriend 'disappeared'.

Alex had to save Jay, and his own (deeply buried) feelings for Jay stopped him from just killing him like he had to save Amy, and Seth, and Sarah, and all the others. He had to find another way, and the only way he could think of was to wring Jay dry of every ounce of care he still held for Alex.

OR

During College:

Alex wasn't trying to hurt Jay and break his heart, if anything he felt constantly like he was doing nothing but breaking his own heart over and over again by denying himself the chance to actually date Jay. So he kept up the fwb situation with Jay because it 'suited' both of them (aka neither of them voiced the issues they had with it to the other) until he'd wrung Jay dry and an opportunity to escape having to deal with his own sexuality (Amy) came along.

But, if Amy hadn't come along and offered Alex the perfect way out, he would have kept the fwb going for as long as he could, not willing to give up having Jay in the only way he felt he could until he absolutely had to. If Jay could be fine with that, he could be Alex's like that, with their relationship never progressing and only ever wearing the two of them down until they resented each other and couldn't take it anymore.

They were never not going to go down in flames, but they could light the fire with wet wood and suffocate slowly on the smoke until the fire finally took and burned them up quickly and painfully.

Abandon all your stupid dreams About the girl I could have been, my dear 'Cause in the night I know you burn with feelings I cannot return, my dear Oh, my dear

In college, Alex was silently begging Jay to give up his hopes of ever actually dating him, of them being together officially. He knew what Jay wanted him to be to him, but he also knew that he couldn't be that. He wanted to, somewhere squashed deep down, he really really wanted to be the soft, loving, romantic partner that Jay was waiting and hoping he'd turn into, but he knew it wouldn't happen. Maybe he didn't realize all of that consciously. Consciously he probably just thought he didn't like Jay like that at all, that he was just a good lay and that was the end of it. But he had one too many dreams about taking Jay on quiet, gentle dates for him to really only see Jay as a good fuck.

The thing is though, that he knows what Jay wants them to be to each other. He knows from the way that Jay looked at him whenever he messes up and starts treating him a little nicer, a little gentler, a little softer, when they fuck.

He knows that during those moments where they still together and catch their breaths, and Jay looks up at him like he's hung the stars just because he's brushing his sweaty hair out of his face, that Jay has those feelings and those hopes. And he knows he can't return those feelings. He can't return the love that Jay lavishes on him by not telling him to fuck off and going and finding someone who is willing to treat him the way he really wants to be treated. It kills him, but there's nothing he can do about it.

(Also good news, you're about half way through :D whoooooo, the torment isn't eternal!)

You gotta know that this won't last Desperation will erase the fact I'm keeping all Of the answers in my cigarette box Yeah, the answer's in the second before the other shoe drops And if you're blind to that I am fine with that

Back in college, Alex needed Jay to know that their arrangement couldn't last, that as much as Jay wanted it to work and wanted Alex to magically sort out the shit in his head that left him too scared to even properly date Jay in secret rather than just being fwb, it wouldn't. Alex needed Jay to know that it wouldn't change unless it was to break the whole thing off entirely, which is what happened, it was what was always going to happen. But if Alex could have made Jay realize that that was what he should have expected, and that nothing he could do would 'fix' that, maybe the not-breakup wouldn't have hurt Jay so badly.

Alex didn't want to hurt him, he wasn't trying to hurt him back in college, he was just trying to stop himself from hurting by continuing their fwb relationship. Alex's life was spiraling out of control, his own thoughts were spiraling out of his control, as were his actions sometimes, and the only time he felt secure in his control over himself and his life, was when he was controlling Jay in scenes.

The answers he always gave Jay when Jay got up the courage to try to talk about their relationship, and what he hoped it could become, weren't the truthful answers. Alex told him he didn't like him back, told him he was just a good fuck, when the real answer was that he was terrified out of his mind, and the idea of changing their relationship even a little felt dangerous. Because their fwb relationship worked and it gave Alex the control he needed, if they started dating that would bring in a huge amount of unknown variables, and if it ended up not working? That would leave Alex with nothing. Not to mention the general internalized homophobia, and the homophobia all around them meaning that it could be genuinely dangerous for both of them if the wrong people found out.

So he keeps all the real answers hidden away in a place Jay won't look for them, in a 'cigarette box' (behind the lies he tells instead) because it's something easily hidden, its something that wouldn't look out out of place, just like the lies he tells don't look out of place. Jay has no real reason to question the answers Alex gives him, they make sense and Alex's behavior seems to back up the idea that he doesn't like Jay the same way Jay likes him.

And Jay's desperation to have a relationship with Alex blinds him to the fact that it could actually be possible if only Alex would stop lying to him. Any time Jay sees a crack in Alex's facade he second guesses himself, insisting that it's just wishful thinking and that little glimpse behind the walls Alex has built was just something his hopeful, lovesick mind made up. It's always a split second, something so tiny and easy to miss that Jay automatically dismisses it.

Oh, I will ruin you Oh, I will ruin you It's a habit, I can't help it I know that you mean so well But I am not a vessel for your good intent

After college, when Jay and Alex meet up again and everything that happens after the argument in the parking lot happens, Alex knows that it's a terrible idea. He knows that all it'll do is reopen old, half healed, half festering wounds and rub salt in them, but Jay wants it, and he wants Jay so he doesn't stop them. He's lost all of his friends (whether to death or just distance), he's lost Amy, and the only thing he has left is an old, already failing not-relationship with Jay. So to tries to make himself feel better by rekindling that.

He and Jay fuck in the parking lot and Alex realizes that this is most likely going to be the last chance he ever gets to have Jay back, even just for one night. And if this is the last chance, he doesn't want it to be exactly the same as it was in college, so he takes Jay back to his house and does all the things he'd been too scared to back in college. Because who would find out? And if anyone did? Why would it matter, Alex's life had already fallen apart and become controlled by fear and a monster, what was getting beaten up for being queer in comparison to that?

This was his last chance to have Jay back, and Alex knew he had to make sure of that. He couldn't drag Jay into all of this, so he had to ruin everything in the worst way possible, and having taken Jay back to his house and treated him so nicely was (instead of coming back to bite him in the ass) going to work in his favor. Even in being nice, he was going to be hurting Jay, but that was what he had to do. Hurting Jay is a habit he can't kick, it's woven into his dna at this point and there's nothing he can do about that other than try to twist it into being something that's for Jay's own sake.

If he can just make Jay hate him enough, he can save him, he can drive him away and Jay won't be a target of the man in the black suit.

I will only break your pretty things I will only wring you dry of everything But if you're fine with that If you're fine with that

Same as earlier :]

I will poison all your happy thoughts I will love you like the ashes in my cigarette box And if you're fine with that You can be mine If you're fine with that You can be mine, oh

Jay's 'happy thoughts' that Alex is poisoning are the memories of how nicely Alex treated him when they got back to his house. In the moment of it all, he wasn't thinking of anything other than showing Jay how much he actually cared about him and how he should have been being treated all along. In the moment he just wanted to be good to Jay. It was only afterwards that he realized what he'd have to do, and he took the next morning to spit poison into their breakfast, which could have been a turning point in their relationship if only they weren't doomed by the damn narrative.

So Alex ruins the night before for Jay by telling him he hadn't even wanted to remember that it was him he was fucking. He poisons those memories forever, as well as poisoning the idea of being treated well in general for Jay.

Alex loves all those truthful answers that he kept hidden away behind lies back in college. Those truths are what he was trying to finally finally let out when he and Jay spent the night together at his house.

He loves Jay like he loves those truthful answers that he never got to give him back in college, bitterly. Those truths were things he never thought he'd get to, never wanted to get to tell Jay, they sat rotting behind the lies he told, and now he can only look at them with a painful sort of nostalgia because it's too little too late.

[ruvviks]

okay. first all that's left ost question. pls explain the song in what we leave behind 👀

another one thought/question is that i was thinking abt it while making breakfast and i think all that's left would be v interesting as a video game that's divided into episodes. like whatever remedy's doing with alan wake.

anyway i am soooooooo in love with all that's left btw. i'm not even into zombie stuff but this one is soooooo cool. :]

HEHE THANK YOU SM <3 i love zombie media entirely too much i was obsessed with it when i was younger to the point i had entirely too many dreams about the zombie apocalypse. which is where half my zombie story ideas originated from including parts of the story for all that's left LMAO

so in "what we leave behind" the song playing is everyone dies by parsonsfield which is a song that i've always heavily associated with the story for some reason?? specifically because in an alternative ending i came up with, all the main characters did end up dying in very like. regular human ways to die in a zombie apocalypse in a way to show to the readers that, well, everyone does still die in the end despite how beautiful a journey or story can be etc etc and so on, and to show that there IS an end to all this but the main characters' good deeds end when they die, not when the story is over if that makes sense. they keep on being good even after the story is done. but i ended up kind of scrapping that because i preferred a more open ending that leaves room for own interpretation of what happens between like, the end of the story + when the main characters die. but the song has always stayed in my heart

which is why i added it to that chapter specifically! in "what we leave behind" the different players in the story (it's season two so that's three separate parties whose story you've been following the whole time) have all found themselves in predicaments scattered across los angeles; one group has been separated after a devastating breach in one of the districts, another group has been hunted down in the wasteland around the city, and the third group has been chased out of the city for their smuggling crimes (helping people out of los angeles into the wasteland to find a safe community to live in)

it's a chapter in which all hope seems lost which i think fits with the song in a way. there is very much the threat here that people are going to die, but it's part of how life goes, and i think the upbeat sound of the song contrasts the heaviness of the chapter very well which is something that i keep doing with this story because it creates an almost nostalgic feeling (for me personally, idk if it comes across well)?? as if you as the reader are very much aware that the story has already been told and there's nothing that can be changed about it anymore, and the soundtrack is reminiscing on what happened back then :]

and ooohh i never really thought about that tbh!! i think it could work as a video game but it would be a VERY cinematic game and i personally am not a big fan of that because i do like having things to do and especially with all the different perspectives and whatnot it would be very hard to keep track of the story while also trying to put down an interesting game if that makes sense SHGFDJGHDFGKD i did games & interaction in art school so this is like. the game designer in me talking LMAO

i do think some chapters would work VERY well as video game though, especially ones where a lot of stealth is needed or the more combat focused scenes. for example there's one scene in which they're trying to manage a huge horde of ghouls and like, lead them away from a settlement to then gun them down somewhere, i feel like that would be super cool to see in a video game >:^) but there's also a lot of scenes in which there's just a lot of talking and connecting to other characters going on which would be very boring to sit through i think :(

i've always visualized all that's left as a tv show and it would probably work best as that i think, because there's just so many characters and so many stories to tell that weave into one another very intricately. the visuals of the story would also just work best as a tv show because the way i'm imagining it is like a very vibrant tv show, bright colors and almost like, retro-y vibes?? basically the kind of vibes i put in those playlist edits, it contrasts the heaviness of the story very well + goes well together with the soundtrack!!

on top of all that (sorry i'm Going now) a tv show would give the story enough time to build up correctly, a movie would be entirely too short for that. with actual episodes and actual filler episodes focused more on exposition of the world and character conversations and a bit less action to give everyone including the viewer some breathing space, the story can actually be set up correctly and get people interested in the bigger picture of the universe i think :] it would have about 4 seasons of roughly 20 episodes per season, maybe the first season (book 1) would be a bit shorter on account of just following one group, but especially the next seasons (book 2-4 and Maybe 5 depending on how well i execute book 4) would just need more episodes because you're following around three groups in all those seasons. or at Least three. i can't remember my own lore. there's a lot going on just trust me

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

Just found your tumblr and idk why but I felt like telling you that I'm finishing the second volume of the English edition of svsss and so far I feel that I won't like SJ, I don't get liushen, I don't get LBH's hairdo and too muscular body, I don't get how there are people saying SY doesn't care about LBH... and a lot of popular takes I've seen the fandom having about it.

I think the reason I felt like telling you was actually because you're one of the few people I saw maybe not agreeing with those either? So I confess I feel a little frustrated about the fandom rn, lmao

Welcome anon!

I am... rather picky, to put it mildly about the SVSSS content I consume for its fandom.

I cannot stand many of the popular fanpairs (sorry luishen and cumplane stuff, but get that away from me... or tag it so I can block and remain happy with my day without wishing you can't ever be comfortable in bed again trying to fall asleep because I will curse you myself).

As well as much of the material for fics for Bingqiu and Moshang. It relies on shaving Shen Qingqiu's personality to have undue sympathy and self-esteem issues over "Shen Jiu" and his own existence where he just doesn't CARE if he became Shen Qinqiu because he was determined not to be a vile low empathy person to save his own skin (and Binghe but that OBVIOUSLY doesn't count cause of something something protag halo). Shen Qinghua is just as well made far softer than he actually is... when he is a little scummy rat man in the rain that you don't wanna touch ever. Come ON he made a hetporn harem novel!!! He is incel nerd without thinking he was the incel shut in nerd.

However I suppose my biggest pet-peeve is the way Luo Binghe is treated by fandom itself. I find something distasteful in the way it always makes Luo Binghe either pathetic or annoying to raise up other characters when from Shen Yuan's point of view, he is exasperatingly like a teen girl crying but very endeared to this. He never once hated or felt forced to do anything in regards to his own romance with Luo Binghe as HE was the one to step forward with making what they had no longer platonic as teacher and former student. He has a student kink, Luo Binghe has a teacher kink it is what it is, and they don't exactly care what others may think anymore. Given that Shen Qingqiu states himself if Luo Binghe was really unwelcomed he would follow him wherever. That doesn't sound as anything forced upon him other than anyone that tries to make him choose, at which point his choice is Luo Binghe. Yue Qingyuan at any rate, is the only one he seems to care about that blessing from, and he got it. Luo Binghe is a victim of several abuses over the years, to me, he's all those bits, good and difficult on paper.

Art is subjective and I could care less how it looks normally since I like it or not and can scroll on with my life if I don't or reblog what pretty art I think is pretty. I find the English art inserts endearing as it's very much reminiscent of late 90's and early 00's anime aesthetics. It fits for the world as a whole that PIDW was meant to be.

People will willfully put what is not there for fandom wants, I however, choose to ignore most of it, as I am vastly content with what the author has given me to play with in the playground of canon only.

[myeolines]

still haven't finished totk bcs i keep getting busy w uni but i kinda just wanna rant about the main plot line lol

The continuity issues of this game is frustrating if you try to mince the main plot, shit just doesn't add up. As fun the open worldness is, being able to solve the puzzles any way you want, it feels as if they had to cut corners when it came to the plot 💀 Like it's some afterthought djsbdkwnkdns Having cutscenes fully voice acted has so much emotional power, like I kinda wish they made the most out of it jdjsbkwndke

I've read here in tumblr before about how it's as if the original direction of the zonai shifted, because I do remember Rauru's hand being creepy. And then the game releases and he's apparently a good boi! But it's fine, sometimes art do be like that it just takes a whole new direction. But the way they interweave things w botw is very inconsistent. Like they could have really did more with it yanno

Personally, it would have been better if we didn't start the game exploring the ruins ? the castle depths ? idk what's it called but like, we got to experience following Zelda as she puts in the effort of "restoring Hyrule". We get to see the glimpse of their life together after the calamity.

The thing is, does Hyrule need to be restored? Most specifically, the castle. Also it makes me wonder how people reacted seeing what seems to be the princess of legend come back, the princess they've heard from their grandparents. But I guess it's easy to interpret it with Zelda being vital to their worshipping of Hylia. And Hyrule Castle seems to serve as a seal for Ganon, and for more generations to come

It would have been more meaningful to see beloved characters from the series intermingle with the new characters. Though the new characters look cool, they also feel so out of place. I get that Penn replaces Kass in terms of role but it would still have been fun to see Kass just chilling at home. It would have also been fun to see Zelda and Kass interact, after all Kass' teacher is the court poet that regularly accompanied the princess. They could reminisce the stories of the past... Kass going "Ah, my teacher used to tell me stories of (this and that)" and Zelda enthusiastically recalling these stories... It would also have been cool to see how the whole Zonai Survey Team was formed. Since Tauro was a solo explorer and his passion for field research is what made Zelda choose him to be the leader of the survey team, it would have been nice to have a neat little side quest of getting to know the guy. Same goes for Yona. It would have been less surprising if Link and Sidon were penpals and they'd regularly write to each other, Sidon would recount some childhood memories with Yona. If maybe we were there to welcome Yona as she arrived, her introduction would have felt smoother? I'm not against the idea of Sidon and Yona but their relationship feels so abrupt HABSJABDKANDK Would have been fun to see how Sidon slowly realized he loved Yona, something like that.

I'm really digging the idea that totk zelda should be playable. Totk's story is more about her dilemma. It would have been more meaningful experiencing the Dragon Tears memory as Zelda, we get to move around as her. I mean, she's apparently the strongest Zelda in the series I think it would have been so monumental.

But back to the actual story, it could have been more... Though it's fun seeing that Link isn't as alone anymore, teleporting to Lookout Landing always feels nice because I know that's where Link's friends are, I just wish Zelda had more screentime.

Thankfully the fandom has people rewriting the story to fill in the gaps so that's what I'll be busy reading once I finish the game to scratch the itch that is inconsistent storytelling sjbskdnsns that's my totk rant for today 😘

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary320

8/4-5/24

sunday - monday

didn't do a lot today...

just made oatmeal, earlier today i was craving a grilled cheese instead of stir fry so i made that to eat. it was really good... i like eating it with chips... i want more of that but it's okay. i guess i've been depressed lately but i dunno why, it's hard to figure out why or what would make me so sad feeling, could it really be the necklace? idk. i just sort of feel pointless lately, as in like my existence is stupid and i'm useless and a parasite and things. it's hard to do a lot about that, or maybe it's not, but i just feel that way and it makes doing things difficult, although i guess in terms of keeping the place clean and stuff, today was good. i can't forget, we're gonna have people over on wednesday, so i should scrub the floors and stuff again.

i read a short story today, by benjamin weissman, from his book dead dead person, called museum boy.

you can read it here.

or maybe you'll have to flip back a few pages on the link or something, it's also a book you need to rent from the i.e. for the whole one hour rental thing. which i can't complain about beyond finding it ridiculous that this is the limit placed on the i.e. by greedy idiots who scramble in a way that only destroys the industry they're trying to protect, limiting what people can read/potential to read stuff online will only make people less interested in reading books!!

the story though, is very good, in a way that crept up on me, at first i didn't really care for it, not like a dislike of any sort, just finding it, idk, not immediately exciting, and maybe a little clumsy i'm not sure. but as it went on the more clear it felt that all of that was in some way intentional, and that it was doing that to get somewhere, where this kid is so self aware, he says things like he doesn't like new things, and then he's beside himself when he is liking new things, overwhelmed, you get a sense of why he's apprehensive about the new, and then at the same time, why you need to give yourself over to these experiences and visions. it's a little puerile in places but i don't know, even this works, it gets at the kind of hideous matter beneath the regular, i think, sacrifical/ritual underpinnings of the everyday, where that nightmare is outlined but never really engaged with. the stuff about the mother looking back on her past, all the dates saved up, the reminiscing about all things, and then this awareness in the story about needing to move on, there's this tight-rope act here, between the regular, the past/history, and how that propels us forward, there's this beautiful part where the boy talks about not wanting to be put back in the baby carriage, that he already did his time, that he doesn't want to hold hands with his parents, that he wants to move towards adulthood and at the same time, if he is going to be treated in such a way, imprisoned in some sense, it's only to be under the condition that he might have killed someone, to be given the chance to do something awful, as he says, to smash a face off. he ruminates earlier, maybe i am an angry boy. he is full of the horror of life, it propels him, he enjoys it. his parents are too, the reflections are so strange and distant too, not weird because of the content, as in, when he says: when my parents argue it seems like it's all over, or somesuch thing, this is a normal and real feeling, it's that he's so articulate, this is one of the things that always worked for me in the story though, i think the clarity of that, and then the poetic leaps elsewhere, it encapsulates the feeling of being young and in those moments of reflection, where it's so clear, but it can't leave the inside of your head, everything out of your mouth, it's cat nails on a door, it's all like begging, it's all what returns you to the point of being infantilized, back into the shape/pre-echo of the prison. how odd, i didn't make this connection but there is something of foucault in the ubiquity of the prison in the story.

another beautiful thing about the way the story is written, along the lines of what i just said about the boy's reflection, here's a line:

those cherries are soaked in the same stuff doctors inject into dead people. i could eat them all day.

it's the flatness of the words, it's so flat, it's so present, it lets itself be. i suppose i could learn a lot from that, sometimes i am not content with that. but there's such a great balance of the subtle everyday horror of how we all love strange and terrible foods, our affections up against our awarenesses, i guess there's something lovely here about how the story mobilizes these ways of thinking into the ways people develop. i can't explain it, now though, i am beset by thoughts of blanchot, perhaps in the anonymized way he wrote his narration, the distance between the people, their non-person-ness, in one sense, and that their lack of i dunno, strength of character in a way, rather than making them universal or mythic, made them more particular, but as response to circumstance, life and time, they were icons of particularity, maybe not icon, they're operations perhaps, locomotion of thought and desire, the pulsions of life on display, open-heart-surgery, maybe. that's what that sequence in thomas the obscure, where thomas is reading and the words circle around him as he descends into the particulars of language, of the world the, of all words, their relation, the way that dissolves and reconstitutes itself at once, words are angels around his head, a kind of vision of vascular tissue and little pulses of odd mostly unseen muscles, a magnification of void-like whispers in existing, i guess, where we sink, that echos the beginning of the book, where he floats in the sea, there is a fog, he is nowhere, or as he buries himself, the blind cat, not loss of self, but abandonment of anchor and location, yes. i recall the howl of the cat now. so i suppose this story has had a greater effect than i really felt before. it is good to discuss it here, it is making me feel better.

another thing about the voice in the story, this is i suppose a little general but it really avoids so much ugly sentimentalism, it would be so easy for it to be sentimental, a story about why art means anything to people, how that can change you as a kid, it's not really about that, honestly, or it's only a little about that right, or it's enmeshed with all these other meanings and that's the special thing, the interlinking of all this, anyhow, it would be easy to make this corny, or on paper it would be, but it is not, it jumps over that and it grasps that abjection, horror, all these things we put out later in life, the boy notes this by some measure early on, about tastes changing as you grow older, the child more free to engage with these portions of life, and free to see them touched on in art, or engage with the stranger portions, this is what grabs some of us at least, i think many of us, it feels nourishing to see that, i suppose.

i really do need to get something solid down for the short film soon. guh. it's just hard. i don't know why. or i do know why. them asking me to do an imitation of a style is just rough for me, not in an ego way just that i don't even know how to work with some of those sounds perfectly.

it should be okay though. i work via iteration a lot, i'll figure it out, i just have to start where you start, w/ any kind of effort.

today's just been like the others, very lowkey, maybe i need to do more, but also maybe i get really lethargic on days where i am not working out, but i need at least 2 rest days out of the week, i hope it's not the intermittent fasting making me more unstable or something. i don't think so though. but i do feel a little more crazy lately, i just think it's like, feeling interrupted in the day to day by some things, like going out, but then the alternative almost feels like a neet almost trapped feeling maybe. idk. it's also the sleep schedule.

i've gotta sleep now though, it's too late but at least the sun is not out right now.

so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[firelxdykatara]

I was the anon who sent the ask about cs, and you actually addressed some of the major arguments i've seen - being with hook turned emma from a strong, independent woman into just a love interest, hook pursued emma with no reciprocated feelings, and that he never really redeemed himself. I've also seen arguments that cs is abusive, which i've seen to some extent in anti-kataang posts. i try not to dive too deep into the anti tag for my own sanity but these are some of the main things i've seen

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ok, sorry, i was just caught up in the euphoria of reminiscing about my captain swan feelings that for a moment there i lived in a world where the Anti CS Brigade didn’t exist. but no, yeah, i know exactly what you’re talking about and honestly i think i just......blocked 90% of it from my mind because so many of those arguments were so vitriolic and widespread but also baseless, like...

gods, ok, here we go. anon you have activated my dormant ouat wordvomit processors and idk if i’ll be able to shut up any time soon but i have A Lot Of Thoughts Here, and also a lot of really bad memories cause ye gods, the ouat shipping wars of the days of yore were vicious.

ANYWAY, like, the vast majority of these arguments came from the ‘swan queen nation’, which is where you can trace a lot of super toxic wlw ship stans back to--just for a little context, but clexa and supercorp both had their roots in swan queen, among other ships, but those are the Big Three i always go back to because what they have in common is ‘the main character of the series is explicitly abused/treated horribly by another woman and for some reason the shippers go nuts over this pairing and will insist the show is queerbaiting them if this specific pairing is not made canon’. and swan queen stans, in particular, had it out for captain swan, because they were incredibly insistent about regina and emma being in love, and naturally the existence of emma’s romantic arc with killian threatened that.

as a result, they quite literally made shit up.

it’s funny (not ‘funny ha ha’ but like funny depressing), because a lot of what they accused CS of is actually shit that happened explicitly on screen with regina and emma. they claimed that emma was no longer strong or independent because she fell in love with killian, while ignoring the fact that she’d become a literal doormat for regina’s many abuses (there are so many things regina did to emma even after her alleged redemption which, if she weren’t being so coddled by the narrative, emma would never have let her get away with--like blaming her for saving the life of a woman regina had murdered in the past, or like telling emma to her face that she wanted to tear killian’s throat out because he managed to come back from the underworld while the man regina loved stayed dead) because, for some reason, they interpreted emma being happy and no longer closed off to the people she loved, choosing to let down the walls she’d built up over a lifetime of trauma as her being ‘reduced to a love interest’ which just did not happen.

like, factually, straight up, emma was every bit as badass while dating killian as she was back in season 1. the only difference is, in season 1 emma didn’t trust anyone, she was closed off, she had a million walls built high around her by trauma, and she wasn’t willing to let anyone in because she believed that if she did then she’d only be traumatized again when they inevitably left. by season 4, when she started officially dating killian, many of those walls had come down, she was happier and healthier, she was falling in love and she was letting herself be in love, she had her parents, her son, the whole town full of people she loved. she was fucking happy, but she wasn’t happy with the right love interest, so swan queen shippers insisted they wanted ‘season 1 emma back’. because they would rather emma be miserable so they could interpret her antagonism with regina as closeted gay pining, than have her dare to be happy with a man and a family that didn’t include regina.

as to the other claims, while hook did make his feelings for emma clear once he realized he felt them, the ball was in her court almost completely. he made comments, told her how he felt, said things like ‘when i win your heart, and i will win it, it will be because you want me’ where the clear emphasis was on emma’s feelings--he believed she had some feeling for him, but he wanted anything between them to be because it was what she wanted. emma initiated every explicitly romantic interaction. killian made a flirty comment, which he was wont to do, and which she could easily have brushed off--instead, she grabbed him by the coat and yanked him into a kiss which lasted far longer than it needed to if all she wanted to do was make a point. (sorry, that scene is just burned into the brain of every CS shipper, i know it literally by heart lmfao) he made it clear that if she wanted him he would be there, but i she didn’t he wasn’t going to push her. he followed her through an entire damn portal into the past because he wanted to help her, because he’d go anywhere for her--to the end of the world, or time--but emma was the one who invited him to dinner with her family. emma was the one who noticed he hadn’t come in yet, and went to see him. emma was the one who kissed him, initiating their relationship.

like @storynightlight said in the replies to the last ask you sent, a majority of the important milestones in killian and emma’s relationship were initiated by emma. she was the one constantly progressing their relationship, it went entirely at her pace in large part because one damaged soul recognizes another, and killian had been through enough trauma in his long (long, long) life to understand that emma needed to work things through on her own terms. he wanted to be part of her life, but it had to be when she was willing to let him in. and he was perfectly content to wait for her to be ready.

as far as the ‘abuse’ claims go, that was honestly just straight up fabrication on the part of swan queen shippers mostly, which is intensely ironic considering the state of emma and regina’s ‘friendship’ for literally the entire damn series. most of them referenced things that happened while emma and killian were enemies (they called their sword fight ‘abuse’, which like.... i’m sorry but two people on opposite sides of a violent conflict having a fight is not abuse, and incidentally that’s an argument that zutara gets hit with too, to this day, clearly words don’t actually mean things anymore), and ignored the fact that killian’s behavior changed as his redemption arc progressed. he didn’t become a good upstanding citizen overnight, but he did feel remorse for his prior bad actions and the harm he caused, he went to great lengths to make up for that harm when and where he could, and he tried to be as good a man as he possibly could in later seasons, even when circumstances (like, oh, gold having possession of his heart and using it to control him, which anti CSers also blamed him for, go figure) made that nearly impossible.

meanwhile, as late as season 6, regina was still blaming emma for everything that went wrong in her life. regina happily browbeat emma about everything she ‘stole’ from her for basically the entire series. regina, in the context of their friendship after her alleged redemption, was constantly verbally and emotionally abusive to emma--and yet that behavior was completely overlooked, or deemed ‘pining’ or some other obvious evidence of romantic feelings, by swan queen shippers who would prefer to claim emma was being abused by her caring and loyal boyfriend who constantly believed in her even when she had trouble believing in herself. (incidentally, it truly is incredibly rich of regina stans (and rumple stans, a lot of them say this too) to claim that killian never redeemed himself, when regina is the one with a vault full of hearts she never returned to their proper owners, and regina is the one who murdered someone emma cared about and never confessed to it, let alone apologized for it; graham died in emma’s arms while regina crushed his heart, and it was never once brought up again. regina got away with it scott free, and it is just one on a list of crimes she literally never expressed even the slightest bit of remorse for, let alone tried to atone for. yet killian is the one who ‘never redeemed himself’ mmhmmm ok sure jan.)

I’M SO SORRY ANON, you probably had no idea the can of Worms you were opening with these asks, but CLEARLY i still have a lot of damn feelings about this fucking show lmfao. THANK YOU THOUGH!!! i haven’t talked about captain swan or even really reminisced much in a while, and i miss them a lot, so it was nice to dive back into my Feelings and remember so much of what i loved about them! i may do a rewatch soon >.> it’s ok if i just skip 4b except the finale and then turn it off immediately after emma and killian’s reunion at the end and pretend the entire show ended there, right????

i hope you’re having a good night! thanks again for the asks <33

[since-it-must-be-so]

A Wild Sheep Chase: Chapter 2 of Choujin X!

It's here! I've gushed about the chapter over at my Twitter, but like I said in my previous post, I want to see how the story progresses and keep a log about it. So here it goes!

Background info on Ely Otsuta

So before we delve into Chapter 2 which almost exclusively featured Ely... Let's take note of the new things we learned about Ely:

She's from a rural prefecture. I think she lives in the mountainside specifically since that's where she grows her tomatoes.

She's a greenthumb (we already kinda knew this from the previous chapter but we learn more about her life pre-Choujin X). I understand that even if the soil is infertile, she's able to grow tomatoes so nutritious and plump. So plump, they resemble butts, hence, "bumbums!" It appears she uses advanced equipment for her farming stuff. So yeah, based on these, it's established Ely has a green thumb!

Oh, and it appears that it's clarified that her "Grandpapi" whom she talks about in the 1st chapter is an adoptive grandfather (not biological, hence, maybe in the future we'd know her parents and learn why Ely is special).

It's just me but I get the impression that Ely is being introduced as some sort of "fertility" choujin, since she also dreams of having 9 kids. Haha!

It's kinda weird though why the burning tomato has a face. Was it just from her dream, since after plucking a bumbum - she woke up? Hmm, after some thought, I think the burning tomato with a face is just from her dream.

Ely Wakes Up from Reality

When Ely woke up, she finds herself in the South Yamato prefecture. Okay, so I think this leaning tower of some sort has a significance to the story.

It's featured in every spread with the title "Choujin X" and also in the last chapter. Can you see it? Maybe it has something to do with how the powers are made, like pollution-related or a botched experiment. Dunno. Just my wild speculation.

A Wild Sheep Chase

This is the exciting part. So when Ely wakes up, Chandra Hume offers to "escort" her, but really it appears he wants to kidnap her. And from, *checks the manga* page 10 to 40, we have Ely running away from Chandra until she fell in what looks like a similar area where Tokio and Azuma fought Johnny Kiyoshi Takeyama.

The chase sequence consisting of 30 pages were so fun and I was smiling all the while I was reading! Ely is so cute trying to parkour her way through the buildings (kinda reminds me of Touka?? I miss Touka!). Chandra looks really cool, he seemed to be flying too, using his powers (more on that later)!

But not to be outdone, Ely borrows a "Roller Boy Yay-Yay" which basically is a scooter with something that resembles a driver's wheel. Its literal translation of ローラーBOYイェイ・イェイ -- which, checking Twitter and in Ishida's latest live stream, I think the locals found it hilarious too. Ishida is just unleashing his crazy here, I love it!

After that sequence, we get the tractor and sheep chase. Ah! I love it.. So what happened is that, Chandra and Ely fall off from their Roller Boy Yay-Yay. Ely who just claimed she can outrun Chandra if she were riding a tractor, suddenly found one right in front of her! Then Chandra lands near a gang... or should I say, a flock of sheep-bikers. They're all wearing these Kanji-printed tracksuits and basically look like they're a bunch of delinquents? They even describe themselves as "cryptid bikers"... Cryptid supposedly means mysterious? Idk why the weird choice of words for the translation though.

Funnily, I was just reading Haruki Murakami's A Wild Sheep Chase (羊をめぐる冒険 --- Hitsuji o meguru bōken or literally An Adventure Surrounding Sheep). I wonder if this scene something to do with this book?

Anyway, Chandra entices the sheep to help hip capture Ely by bribing them with a Docomo flip phone. I don't know why a flip phone - could mean the following: (a) the sheep are so poor, a flip phone is cool; (b) maybe flip phones are a status symbol in that universe; (c) maybe the setting is in the 2000s when the flip phones really were all the rage.

So they all chase Ely, but Chandra suddenly has a car too. Someone on Twitter said it's a Porsche? But I can't tell, though Chandra said his car is a four-wheel drive... Heh? Idk what to do with this info.

As for Ely, she is really good with the tractor as she said. The hilarity of outrunning motorcycles and what could be a Porsche. That tractor prowess! Later on, Chandra and the other sheep figure into an accident with a "safety-loving" truck (oh the irony, lol). Chandra flew off the car and so did his fancy shoes...

Ely didn't exactly come out unscathed. Ishida allocated 4 double spreads for this epic fall. Some of the sheep definitely should have died from that spectacular accident.

At first, Ely was smug about escaping the sheep. But then, I think she was moved by compassion and I think she hurt herself in order to revive the sheep. I just wonder though, how she learned to do that?

Then we get another awesome double spread of her transformation, similar to Tokio's. Augh Ishida-sensei. These are soooo good!!!!

Because of her transformation, the whole area was engulfed with smoked and I think the sheep were effectively revived. It appears Chandra saw all this (while he was regenerating... so we now know choujins or at least smoke choujins like Chandra has regenerative powers), hence he marveled at Ely's newfound power. It was kinda confirmed that Ely was responsible for keeping the casualties to a minimum. Specifically he said Ely possesses: quick judgment, though resolve, persistence... making her a human with the makings of a choujin... while also kinda noting Ely's silliness.

Here we go again with Chandra's "fancy gentleman" facade... Even the way he talks is fancy ("I am well-acquainted with the roads here") but more than that... he's self-important. I talked about my other views on his character on Reddit. I get the impression he's something of a "Choujin supremacist", you know what I mean? So, he wants to kinda recruit Ely into his organization or whatever.

Ely is righteous

So we see that Ely is further introduced as a good character, standing up against Chandra and rejecting his offer to be his pupil or something. Ely was clearly upset about the grandma getting hurt (did she die? I hope she didn't) and made it clear she would never join him. Chandra takes offense at this rejection, especially when Ely said Chandra is worse than a turd.

As Chandra tries to inflict pain on Ely (something about marking her on the face), she recalls her resolve from Chapter 1: drones for farming, a greenhouse, her grandpappy, a mansion, the big dog, paying back the kid for his roller boy yay-yay, the Goldilocks hubbie, nine kids... But just before we can see if she can fight Chandra off...

The most handsome man of all Sui Ishida's works (haha!)

This buff mysterious man with a bandana reminiscent of the Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles seemed to have blown Chandra and Ely (also the cars and motorcycles) away by a mere clap of his hands. It appears even Chandra is afraid of this guy and recognizes him... he leaves the scene using his smoke powers before the guy can do serious damage. I think his power has something to do with wind since there was like a little hint with all the ventilation stuff in the setting.

The guy manages to create a circle of protection around Ely. He tells Ely that Chandra's modus is to target "people with aptitude like Ely". He helpfully mends Ely's punctured hand with his bandana.... And when Ely looks up at his face, what do you know? Haha!

Our girl Ely has a love interest! Haha.

Tokio's Gregor Samsa moment

I've observed from the manga I've read that characters with transformation abilities always, always go through this adjustment period with the power. Gregor Samsa, Peter Parker, our boy Kaneki... Anyway, it seems Tokio doesn't know or can't turn back into a normal-looking person. But the last panel sure is interesting because we have them experiencing this transformation at the same time. Also, since it reminds me of Touka and Ayato's volume cover. I hope they find each other soon though!

Types of Choujins and initial premises on the Power of Choujins

So there are 3 confirmed types so far: Flexi (Johnny), Bestial (our boy Tokio), and Smoke. It seems that pretty boy Hoshi doesn't have a category yet, but like I said I think his has something to do with air or ventilation lol.

We learned that Chandra is a Smoke Choujin, and Ely is now one too and she was may have been somehow infected by Chandra's smoke/fumes. It appears now that there are 2 ways to become a choujin: injection and inhalation. Chandra wonders if Ely was infected with his power... But I'm thinking the infection theory might not be that accurate. After all, it seems Ely has a green thumb.

But, I think as Chandra said, only some people have an aptitude for this. So, Ely and Tokio are examples. I wonder if Azuma also has choujin powers or did it not manifest yet? Is the aptitude inherent or something you can acquire? If so, what does Tokio have that Azuma doesn't, especially since everyone thinks Azuma is "better" than Tokio in all aspects?

We'll find out in Chapter 3 more or less!! I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes! I'd like to hear your thoughts or comments if any :)

[jimlingss]

I've been a silent reader for at least a couple of years!! Huge fan!! I always come back to your stories! 💜 As for ideas for stories, maybe an au set in joseon or goryeo eras, or maybe a e2l of some sort idk. Best of luck to you!! Hope you have an awesome day!

Anonymous said: feeling a yoongi royalty au? 👀

Anonymous said: *gasp* you’re doing request? 🥺 can I request an arranged marriage with jimin or yoongi? btw I love your student council series so much 💕

↳ A Fire Flower

3.4k words || 1% Fluff, 99% Angst || Min Yoongi || Historical!AU

Warnings: Murder and gruesome detailes

You run. 

“Princess! Princess! Wait!” The servants behind you are shouting, grabbing their gowns in fistfuls, shuffling their feet forward. But they’re far too slow.  

You glance behind you, laughing and sneaking off to the left and then the right. The whole line of your servants pass by your hiding spot and when it’s silent again, you slip into the East pavilion. You make your way past the gardens to the guards standing by the stables. 

You approach with your spine straight and your chin high in the air. The guards automatically bow their heads. “Princess.” 

“Give me your sword.” You motion to the left guard, but they exchange expression with one another. “Hurry!” 

“But Princess—” 

“You dare go against my order?! Do you know who I am?!” Your voice booms. “I am Emperor Yin and Queen Seo’s daughter. If you dare to go against my orders, you are going against the orders of my father!” 

The lowly guards fall onto their knees. “We wouldn’t dare, princess.” 

A smirk pulls on your lips. “Then hand me your sword now.” 

Once it’s in your reach, you unsheathed it. The blade shines against the sunlight and metal hisses as you take it out fully, grasping at the handle tightly. You try to give it a swing and hum in satisfaction. 

You point at the right guard. “You there. Fight me.” 

“Spare me, princess!” He falls onto his knees again, this time with his head pressed to the dirt. You roll your eyes. “I would never dare to fight someone of noble blood. Your father would never forgive me.” 

“Are you trying to make me angry?” You laugh mockingly, pulling up your long sleeve. “I’ve had training before. You won’t harm me so easily.” 

“Princess…” The stupid guard is relentless as he is irritating. 

“Princesses shouldn’t play with such sharp toys when they don’t know it’s a weapon,” a low voice speaks and you know that familiar timbre anywhere. You turn around to address a man with black hair. His eyes are narrow, reminiscent to that of a sly cat, his lips thin.  

Min Yoongi, son of a minister and part of the Min clan — your betrothed. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I should be asking you that.” He smiles and points to the blade you’re holding. “Don’t you think that’s dangerous?” 

You stare down at it and for a moment you regard how sharp and intimidating it is. Your eyes look back up at him. “It’s not dangerous if I know how to use it.” 

“Well, do you?” 

“You can teach me.” Your eyes glisten. It sounds even better after you say it out loud. So you approach him with your arms behind your back, leaning down, lashes fluttering. “Please?” 

Unfortunately, your coy and cute act doesn’t have much of an effect on him as it does on your father. 

“Shouldn’t a girl like you be doing something else than sword fighting?” Yoongi sighs, but he still unsheathes his own sword. 

You scoff, pointing the tip of the blade at him. “Say that again, and I won’t forgive you. I refuse to go flower viewing or practice calligraphy again.” 

Yoongi wears that arrogant smile of his that you absolutely detest. “You’re confident, aren’t you, princess?” 

“Of course I am. I don’t have any reason not to be.” 

He nods. “Let’s play then — if you can wound me, I’ll convince my father to cancel our engagement.” 

Your eyes are wide before a smile spreads into your face. “I will hold you accountable for your words.” 

“Please, don’t hesitate, Princess.” He waves you over and you run forward, swinging your sword and attacking his neck. But he defends himself instantly with a clang of his sword. 

Yoongi smirks and your own lips fall into a straight line. 

“Ha!” You try another swing. There’s yet another clash of silver blades. 

He’s acting as if he’s entertaining a child and it makes you angrier. With all the strength in your arms, you thrust out your sword. Yet, he deflects it with a simple flick of his wrist. You flash, lurch forward, swing. Yoongi uses one hand, doesn’t even blink, doesn’t even flinch.  

“You will never win against me, princess.” Yoongi smirks. “When will you come to accept that?” 

Your teeth grit. You raise your arms to try to hit him — but you’re interrupted by a roaring voice. 

“What’s going on?!” The servant announces that the Emperor is here and you instantly drop the sword, grinning and running up to him. 

“Father! I didn’t know that you’d be here.” 

He tries not to show that he’s already giving in, that his strict facade is melting at your coos and the way you hug his arm. “I heard you ran away from your lessons again.” 

“Only because they were boring.” Your nose scrunches in distaste. 

“And so you’re out here causing trouble again?” He looks off and the guards fall onto their knees, heads downcasted, already begging for forgiveness. “Who gave her the sword?!” 

You pout. “Father, I asked him to. It’s not their fault. And Yoongi was just teaching me.” “

Your majesty.” Your betrothed gathers his hands together, bowing his head to greet the King. “The princess seemed interested and I was teaching her how to defend herself.” 

The Emperor sighs and nods. “I’m glad there’s someone to look after her.” 

You stomp your foot in indignation. “He doesn’t look after me!” 

“I made sure to go easy on her, your majesty,” Yoongi informs shortly and you gasp in offence, frowning at him. He ignores you, but you see that little smile on his face. You should’ve just skewed him when you had the chance — he’s so infuriating. 

“There, there, don’t be upset.” Your father pats your back, already seeing the way your features were twisted, on the verge of throwing another one of your infamous tantrums. “We can’t always be good at everything.” 

“If I had a proper teacher, I’d be better at it.” 

Your father smiles softly. “Your mother would never allow it. If she knew you were here, she’d be angry. Let’s not make her that way.” 

You pout again, fiddling with the fabric of your extravagant skirt. Yoongi smiles and puts his sword away. “If I may, your majesty, I must go speak to my father.” 

“Of course.” He nods his head, dismissing the younger male and you watch him leave. 

You end up walking with your father, the servants left behind as you stride up the bridge over the river, staring at the flowerbeds. “I see you’ve been close to him these days….” your father notes, giving a knowing smile. 

You tear your eyes away from the flowers — something you never cared much for when there were much more exciting things. “He came out of nowhere to make me angry. We aren’t close!” 

He laughs heartily, nodding his head with his arms behind his back. You brush his dragon robes, how majesty he looks in gold and red. But up close, you realize how old he’s gotten, strands of hair gray, wrinkles marring his expression. You sigh, looking at your own reflection in the water. 

“Must I marry him, father?” 

“Why? Do you not enjoy his company?” 

“It’s not that….I just….I don’t want to be made to do something. I know I’m not allowed, but I want to be able to choose. If the princess of the kingdom cannot even choose her own partner, then who can?” 

“Some things in life you cannot choose. Fighting will bring you more pain. You must only come to accept them,” he says, but you don’t understand what he exactly means. Your father meets your eyes and is firm. “You must. It’s important for us to have ties to the Min clan. Not just for you, but for our kingdom and our people. Sacrifice must be made sometimes.” 

You huff, unable to comprehend why you must have ties with the Min clan. Your father is the Great Emperor — he shouldn’t need anything from anyone. “You only want me to wed to him because he’s the son of the finance minister.” 

“He is also a kind, patient, and highly educated individual. You both have compatible fortunes as well. He will make a good husband and father. There is no one better than him.” 

“You’re better.” You hug his arm and underneath his robes, you can feel his bones. It’s no longer like when you were a child and he could lift you without batting a lash. “Can’t I stay by your side forever? You, mother, Taeho, and I. I don’t have to go anywhere. I don’t have to join another family.” 

Your father laughs joyfully. “You can’t be naive all the time, child. What will happen when I die? Would you really want to be alone with no one to keep you company?” 

“You won’t die for a long time,” you reaffirm. “And I’m sure Taeho wouldn’t mind having me around.” 

“Palace life is difficult, child. I only wish the best for you.” 

“Then reconsider my marriage with Yoongi,” you coax. “Or at least…give me some time. I don’t want to wed him when we barely know each other.” 

It’s silent until he finally makes a noise at the back of his throat. “You’ve been arranged to marry him for years now. Delaying such a promise back will not be an easy one.” 

“It’s not like we’re breaking it,” you tell with a grin. 

Your father nods. “I will reconsider.” 

That’s enough for you to throw your hands in the air and giggle, pulling him in a tight squeeze that garners his chuckles. You might not win against Yoongi in terms of strength, but you have your own ways. 

Little do you know just how dire the consequences are for your selfish wish. 

// 

It’s the middle of the night, a new moon that has the sky blanked in black, that you hear footsteps on the roof of your room. You’re brought out of your slumber, rising to stare at the shadow cast at your door, a mysterious silhouette that paint itself outside.  

You shout, “Who’s there?” 

You gather your blanket to hide your underclothes, screaming at the shadow until it moves. Until it opens the door. And a boy with blanked hair and cat-like eyes greets you. “Yoongi?” 

“We need to go.” He approaches and his sword catches the light, blinding your eyes. 

“What?” 

“Hurry.” He pulls the blanket and grabs your wrist. 

“What are you doing?!” You resist, but he yanks your hand to his chest and you lose your balance, until you’re caught by him, body pressed against his. His gaze is deep and boring into your eyes. The close proximity renders you speechless. 

“There’s no time to explain.” He brings you out of your room, but you’re slowed when you see the orange flames, the smoke curling into the air.  

But what takes your attention isn’t the fire. It’s the red on the walls and paper windows. Stained splotches of red that look like they’ve been sprayed. Blood. 

“What’s going on?” you ask desperately, tears welling in your eyes, voice catching in your throat. 

He hides behind a pillar, peeking you out while keeping you right by his side. “We’re being overthrown by the ministers.” 

“What?” The syllable spills out harshly off your tongue. “How dare they? Where’s my father?!” 

“He’s been captured.” 

Your blood runs cold. Your heart stops beating. Your stomach drops. You feel sick, like you might throw up. But there’s no time for any sort of reaction like that, not when Yoongi pulls you along, running to the next hiding place. 

You stumble on your feet. You’re too slow. 

Someone calls out. “Sir!” 

Yoongi halts. He hesitates. The stranger calls out to him again and there’s a rush of footsteps that follow, clanging of armour. They’re not the palace guards coming to save you. They’re rebels. “Sir?!” 

Yoongi steps away from behind the wall. He drags your body out. He holds your arm up as if you were a prize that was meant to be caught. “I have her.” 

You whirl your head to stare at him, knees trembling.  

Yoongi swallows hard. “Bring her to my father.” 

You’ve been betrayed by your betrothed. You scream his name in agony and rage, spitting it out at the top of your lungs. “Yoongi! Min Yoongi! You son of a bastard! God will damn you! Let me go! Let me go this instant! Do you know who I am?! I am the princess! You all will die! The minute my father gets his hands on you—!” 

Your voice shrieks, tearing from your throat, bloodcurdling. But your defiance and resistance doesn’t last long. You’re pushed and shoved into the throne room, gasping when you see your father, mother, younger brother tied up. Each with a sword pressed to their necks. 

“Y/N!” — “Sister!” 

You sob, unable to run to them when you’re being held back, physically restrained. 

The man standing beside your father turns around. He wears a smirk you find all too familiar, his eyes cat-like and narrowed into you. Yoongi’s father has his arms behind his back, proud that he was the minister who orchestrated this all.  

“How dare you!” 

“Y/N.” Your father is quiet and composed. “It’s okay.” 

You’re shoved onto your knees. Yoongi’s father smiles, walking over slowly to hover above you. “Here’s a sight I’ve never seen before. The entire royal family bowing down to me….and his precious, little daughter so vulnerable.” 

His finger brings up your chin, looking at your face in the dim candlelight. You flinch away to glare. “Heaven will never allow you to rule,” you curse him in spite. “You do not have the divine right—” 

“And you think your father does?” he laughs, mockingly. “Your grandfather won the throne through blood and betrayal. I’m not doing anything different from what he has done. I am merely taking back what should’ve never been yours. For too long, I’ve waited and let this nation suffer. I thought my son could one day save it, but that was a wish too inconceivable. I will not wait anymore. It’s time for it to be brought into a new era of prosperity.” 

“Prosperity?” your mother hisses. “Do not mask your greed for altruism.” 

He scoffs and the corner of his mouth curls. “My greed is not the one to be spoken about, Sowon. You’ve killed and harmed countless girls to achieve the position that you have. Your list of crimes is too long to know.” 

“Don’t speak to my mother that way!” you scream at him, “You are a traitor. You all are.” You face the ministers surrounding you, horrified that they’re content with allowing this to happen, that they merely divert their eyes and stay silent. “And you will pay for your crimes!” 

He chuckles, lifting his hand and instantly, the guards press their swords tighter against your throats. The blade nearly breaks skin and draws blood. 

The minister paces around your father. “Yin, you have been found to have committed treason against the country during your rule, acting against the nation’s interest in order to protect your family, and for this, you will pay with your life.” 

He shuts his eyes as you shriek. Your father merely murmurs, “Protect the crown prince.” 

Your family sobs, tears dripping onto the floor. The minister pulls out the Emperor’s own sword, but instead of decapitating your father’s head from his neck in a single swing, he tosses it on the ground, right in front of you. It clangs horrifically and you wince. 

“Betray your father the same way he has betrayed the nation. Go against your filial duty and your mother and brother’s life will be spared. If not, they will die.” 

A high-pitched shriek rings into your ear, horrified and pained — and it takes a moment until you realize it’s your own. The held blades begin to cut into your throat, into your mother’s and Taeho’s.  

Your eyes widen, shocked, breaths staggering. You’re staring at the silver blade. You don’t notice Yoongi who has run to the entrance of the throne room, his shadow casted on the door.  

“I….I….” 

“No! Don’t!” Your mother shrieks, her hair falling in front of her face. Her honour is lost, name smeared with dirt. 

Your father opens his eyes again, adorning a soft smile and he nods towards you. You know that look of his. “You must protect your brother.” 

“I…” Tears shed down your cheeks. You’re forced to stand by the guards, held by the collar of your attire. The sword is shoved into your hands, the tip of another pointed at the small of your back. “I can’t…” 

“You c-can.” Your father tells. “It’s okay.” 

Your mother and brother wail, crying. Blood begins to drip to where the swords are held against their necks. You tremble, staggering forward, pushed and shoved. Your father shuts his eyes and you’re brought in front of him. “I….I can’t….” 

Suddenly, your father reaches out. He grabs a hold of the blade tightly, sinking his hand into it and he throws himself forward. He runs the sword into his body. Blood spits from his mouth, spraying onto your cheek.  

You drop the sword, staggering back. Broken sobs are caught in your throat. Your heart stops, hands shaking, and you collapse. Breaths pull out of your lungs — you can’t breathe no matter how much you gasp. Your father looks at you, nodding his head, and then he slumps over. 

All at once, the other guards slash down at your mother and younger brother. Cruel and unsparing. The last of your family’s wails are cut short. “Sist—!” And they fall over. 

Blood drips down from the sword in thick puddles. It trickles like summer rain. And it spreads, coating the golden floors of the throne room in the shade of carmine. Your hands become wet and warm with your family’s blood. 

You can’t feel your body. 

“Shall we kill her, your majesty?” the guard asks the minister, waiting for his signal. 

Yoongi’s father smiles. He walks over the bodies, unsympathetic that his shoes are soaked in scarlet. He tilts your chin up with his index finger. “It would be a shame if such beauty went to waste.” He smiles and stands straight. “She will become my courtesan.” 

“Yes, your majesty.” You’re dragged upwards by your arms, legs dangling like a doll. 

“Prepare her and bring her to my room tonight.” 

As you’re dragged out, you watch Yoongi’s father climbs the steps up to the throne. 

You’re brought out into the darkness, carried by two guards. But suddenly, they whimper, falling onto their knees, slashed on their backs. They drop dead. 

You barely manage to hold yourself up, but you feel yourself being shaken, a faraway voice raspy and speaking to you. You’re dizzy, world spinning around you, not sure if you’re dead or alive. But you find cat-like eyes that you detest to the core of your being in front of you. 

You’re pushed forward by him, stumbling towards a horse by the stable. You know it’s your only escape, your only opportunity. It’s the only thing your numb mind can focus on, and with the rest of your strength, you climb up onto it.  

You lay on the animal it and it cries out, hooved digging into the dirt as it sprints. You try to hold on with your blood stained hands. 

But you glance behind you once more to the palace engulfed by fire. 

Min Yoongi — you will kill him and his father. You will crush their limbs beneath your feet before beheading him slowly at the bottom steps of the throne. You will come back and you will slaughter every single one of them, the ministers, the rebels, the traitors. You will avenge your family and clear their names by hanging their heads out on display. It’s a vow you swear yourself by. 

Your hands are already stained with blood — more of it wouldn’t matter now.

[vsa-pieldepapel]

I'll reply to this quickly becus it was interesting

Why the big text man jesus /j

I think it derails and makes them go to hell because of a combination of their age and having insecurities that do not complement each other positively. Could they work through them? Yeah just not with each other. Read through the fight/fawn response segment again, where an emphasis is put in how fight and fawn types tend to "trap" each other. And we see, in canon, Noelle fawning over everything related to susie, good and bad (to the point I'm sorry Toby but she was kind of annoying I get she's a teen and all but jesus) Huge red flag right off the bat. I don't think it's good to have such a thing as "a good type of scary", I think Noelle sees horror as a way to emulate and reminisce the feeling of safety she got from being comforted by Dess, which was a little taste of unconditional affection.

Relationships don't always end well. I had friendships where I was emulating the model I had with my mother step by step, because parents are often our first model of how love is supposed to work, and whatever way they go about it it becomes familiar to us. So I sought friends that would need a "mom friend". Friends who would toy with my feelings and keep me on edge. (I have had all four Fs at different stages of life and I was a huge Fawn at points).

Noelle isn't gonna stop Susie's fight response because she likes it. We see glimpses of this in canon. And she has been endorsed to like it, because Rudy recounts being slapped by her mother fondly and not as an aggression that was later addressed. Fight types who aren't stopped devolve and keep spiraling. The article itself cites self-assigned timeouts and psychoeducation about the costs of resorting to aggressiveness and how without them the person keeps getting worse. (Susie isnt that bad yet because she's young- but she has to be stopped.)

Of course damaged people can have relationships, I'm married kek But it works because my husband does NOT have my mother's response, which does NOT feed into my response.

As for your tags on how we must discuss these themes carefully, I added a content warning there for that and there is a reason this shit is so intriguing to me— personal experience. I went through a lot of what I have stated here, including having both fight and fawn responses (hell I do wonder if I am "fighting" right now, I am trying to see this just as discussion)

The problem is not that Susie and Noelle are traumatised. I see Kris as having that, too. I see ralsei showing behavioural patterns of instrumental parentification which is a whole other rant. But their types of trauma aren't good for each other.

If you interpreted the rant on being about trauma in general then idk if it is an interpretation issue or my spectrum disorder made me lackluster with phrasing but I sure didnt mean that. I dont think it makes them even more perfect for each other because it's not about trauma as a tragedy that can be overcome but trauma as the insane amount of work you need to do to stop automatic responses that push others away or damage yourself

It won't always work (I've lost friends ok) and it sure won't work with two immature teens who have traits that compliment negatively

Edit: thought that just crossed my mind- I also think precisely because these themes are delicate fiction is a great way to explore them with all their ugly truths in a safe way. I like lots of ships that I also think could ultimately fail for different reasons. However ugly fiction can be I guarantee you real life will always be way uglier

I love your headcanon of suselle being ‘i love you but you’re not good for me’ kind of thing. To me, it really fits their personal dynamics

Mmmm I’ll use this ask to elaborate a bit more since it is a great segway, hope you dont mind anon, since you pretty much aced it I think

Discussion of abuse and family shit and general bad relationships below if not invested scroll away— this shit is super interesting to me but I know it’s not an e for everyone thing

There is a very interesting video on YouTube about how Noelle repeatedly displays signs of learned helplessness. From what I recall of it a part is attributed to rudys hospitalisation which, fair, but to me it stems from before. In my Dess and Asriel post I talk a bit about how I think the holidays exhibit the toxic parent-enabler parent-golden child-scapegoat child family dynamic, which is a relatively common one in dysfunctional families. I think Rudy enabled mama holiday off the very beginning, when he first flirted with her and she slapped him and he still went on to pursue a relationship and have children with her. Per rudy’s own admission mama holiday is “hard” on Noelle, enough his primary concern while in the hospital is that the two of them are alone at home— not a good sign, and speaks of him knowing this behaviour is repeated. This is not new

As for Susie, well. She eats chalk. She speaks of not having her own room. She drinks the milk alphys leaves in the alleyway. She repeatedly assumes people want her away or don’t want to be friends with her, like there is something unlovable about herself. She tells ralsei he must have gotten the wrong person when he says he thinks she’s the hero, and when Toriel tells her to call her family, she doesn’t. She can also spot Toriel is a good mother, and care about Kris upsetting her. She is more emotionally intelligent than expected of a teen— I’ve seen people speculate she is homeless, I’m not sure if I agree 100% but she is clearly neglected.

This is when it goes to shit, though. In a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (that changed my life by the way kek) a couple chapters describe the way neglected children respond- internalisers and externalisers are the primary two responses. Internalisers shoulder the weight of their neglect. They shift the blame onto themselves, and constantly strive for self improvement, introspect and self-flagellate. Externalisers shift the anger of neglect onto external factors and tend to seek sensory soothing (substances), lash out and be aggressive, and respond with anger at perceived injuries of the ego.

Noelle is an internaliser, Susie an externaliser. In addition to that, Noelle pretty much embodies the fawning response to trauma, where Susie displays many signs of the fight and flight responses. From another link that I have read a lot lately I share the following screenshots,

TLDR: Susie responds to perceived injury with aggression. We see this through chapter 1 repeatedly. Even before she knows whether or not Kris will snitch on her over the chalk, she’s ready to be aggressive to them. When Ralsei criticises her hostility, she changes sides. She responds to a perceived betrayal by Lancer not only with self deprecation but with rage. Even in chapter 2, her response to Monster Kid and Snowy speaking ill of Kris is to scare them.

The thing is SUSIE IS ALSO A TEENAGER. She can learn. Her behaviour can be modified if properly assessed, and it is obvious she is still at a stage where she doesn’t really want to be hostile— as soon as kris and Ralsei open up, she shows the considerate, dedicated, playful, protective friend she is. You see this in the text, “learning of the steep price to pay if things are achieved through intimidation.l” And this is what Ralsei teaches her when he stands up to her behaviour. He does it in a clumsy way at first, but it’s clearly seeping in later on, and his boundaries, the important ones, are fixed. He says no cakes until she stops being mean to him and indeed does NOT give cakes until susie verbally promises and keeps that behavioral change. That is something he can give her— both that education and the unconditional affection she wants desperately but is also afraid of losing. Susie needs someone assertive who will stop the fight response.

Then there’s Noelle:

Kind of fascinating noelle is a young reindeer… a fawn, if you will. I don’t know if this is intentional and I’m inclined to believe it’s not, but it definitely makes for some incredible symbolism kek. Notice how it says they attract abuse, neglect or aggression? We already have dialogue in Chapter 2 in which Noelle romanticizes Susie’s intimidation, wanting her to laugh at her and degrade her… and how could she not? She has fawned so much she has learned helplessness, not standing up to even Berdly, who isn’t intentionally hostile, and her own father normalises aggression by a romantic partner, makes it a funny incident in a happy marriage. And people tend to be aware of the pattern in which children of domestic abuse victims will grow up and attract similar partners.

The issue is… both of these are defense mechanisms. They don’t work for long term relationships. They’re responses to perceived danger that are generally unpleasant to adopt and the person does to guarantee themselves safety. This link speaks of a “downward spiral” that is pretty much how I see Suselle:

Susie is aggressive, Noelle romanticises it while clearly responding with what she herself describes as “the good kind of scary”, Susie sinks into her mechanism even further because, well, it is endorsed, so it works!, which makes noelle fawn even further… and so on.

Susie already perceives herself as a ruthless, violent machine. We see her project this onto others. She projects it thinking her classmates want her out. She projects it onto Lancer, asking him who would want to be her friend, anyway. She calls herself Violent Ax Susie and emphasises how enemies are made for beating up, putting this facade of pride on this aspect of herself. Ralsei’s gentleness shocks her because it disarms her intimidation response and she is so affection starved a single gesture of kindness from Noelle made her spare Noelle entirely…

And yet, right before the Ferris Wheel, Noelle tells her supposed dream figment of Susie that “she doesn’t care about anybody”, something Ralsei and Kris realised wasn’t true in a single day of actually talking to her and engaging with her. And Susie’s response? “I mean, TRUE.” She immediately sinks back into this defense mechanism that we KNOW is not true.

Oof!

Do I think they like each other, truly, at the beginning? Yeah, I totally do, especially because they’re prolly gonna be the canon ship. And there is, after all, this thing in most relationships called a honeymoon period.

They’re gonna have an amazing honeymoon period. But then reality begins to sink in. The spiral starts. Noelle’s own unsolved insecurities become people pleasing, fawning, and even jealousy since Susie is so casual with affection with friends and cares for them, we can see that even now at the beginning. Susie feels threatened, she fights. They fight. It goes to hell.

In my headcanon, it’s Susie who tells Noelle to break up, because I imagine Susie is emotionally parentified— which makes her aware of a bunch of emotional concepts that teens haven’t grasped too in depth generally. We see her have a broad moral understanding in canon, even if the way she words it can be a little clumsy. It is her who realises this is no fairytale, and splits the relationship, and it HURTS, but it’s ultimately what is best for them.

And that’s the suselle rant part 1 I guess

I actually have even more on this, specifically on what Noelle would benefit from in a partner, why I think kris has it, why I could see this happening even after the start of Noelle’s and Susie’s development… but this is huge and scary to post as is! So kek

[gaybluesargent]

Please provide me with every detail about these beautiful raven girls. i've got a notepad to fill with ink and nowhere to be in the morning...

this is very very late, so that morning has passed, but hopefully you still have some room in that notepad! just a note that all my raven girl headcanons are trans girl headcanons! & for the sake of my raven girls aus, aglionby is co-ed!(also, /tagged/all-your-favs-are-trans-girls!)

gansey:

generally Proficient at preforming femininity - looking and acting in ways everybody traditionally expects from a girl - but only really feels the need to be read as very Traditionally Feminine when she’s around her family

has very little physical dysphoria (she doesn’t rly want hormones or surgery) but her social dysphoria can get rly bad & lead to panic attacks if she doesn’t pass well enough in public

but with her friends, it’s not typically too bad!

i think she probably came out when she was like 14 or 15? she started transitioning when she was off traveling by herself!

so her family was kind of Shocked and gansey still. Has Trouble with that sometimes. but they’re not outright terrible about it. just. not rly Good either. 

she’s got shoulder-length hair in a clean-cut bob (that gets a little curly in humidity), but she puts it up into a ponytail or a hat as much as possible because she doesn’t like the way hair feels on her neck 

(it’s reminiscent of hornets)

post-trk she definitely chops her hair off and gets a rly cute pixie :’)

is Skilled at makeup and uses it to hide all the evidence of sleepless nights

paints her nails religiously because she finds the act of painting them very calming and likes the way it feels!

often paints them orange to match the camaro, even though helen tried to tell her that it looks a little juvenile to have bright orange nails

daily wardrobe (polo shirts, khaki pants, boat shoes) is virtually unchanged tbh… geek… i love her….

and for formal occasions, helen lets gansey borrow from her wardrobe if she wants!

(ps! more trans girl gansey content here!)

i looked all over for the post cuz i think i stole this idea from someone else so link me if u know it, but someday gansey marries blue and legally changes her name to Gansey Sargent :’)

ronan:

butch! trans! lesbian! ronan! niall! lynch!!

(she loves her full name because her parents gave it to her and she doesn’t plan on ever changing it)

came out when she was 15, and once niall was killed, she started physically and socially transitioning All At Once

still has her head shaved. im in love with her. 

has and will punch a bigot without hesitation

she has 100 earrings in each ear and wears lots of rings

paints her nails to pick it all off the next day

when gansey’s extra anxious, she paints ronan’s nails for her, and it’s Soft :’)

her wardrobe is 100% unchanged from canon - rich tired punk farmer - and she looks gr8

she generally can’t walk in heels at all but she’s got this one pair of heeled boots that make her absurdly tall and she Loves It!

makeup skills are limited to making her look as Pissed Off as possible (meaning middle-school emo raccoon eyeliner and black lipstick probably)

typically not super dysphoric unless verbally misgendered

& isn’t rly comfortable with how deep her voice is but also isn’t willing to try to talk higher because she thinks she sounds silly, so she stays quiet a lot around new people

dreams up some fuckin miracle hormones for everyone and it’s Wonderful!

adam:

came out & transitioned later than everybody else because she wouldn’t even Consider her gender while she was still living with her parents

tbh gender probably plays into the whole Feeling Unknowable even to herself thing

but all her friends are trans as heck so she’s got a rly solid support system to help her once she starts to figure it out!

is rly reluctant to publicly transition because she’s worried abt how it might affect her future - being a trans girl makes life so much harder than just staying a cis boy - but, over time, she starts to make peace with it and realizes that Being Herself is worth the risk!

she fiddles with gender rly subtly at first: not really changing the style of clothes she wears, but buying t-shirts from the girl’s section instead of the boy’s section… growing her bangs out but keeping the rest of her hair short… wearing lip gloss… 

and these little changes help her comfort immensely, and eventually lead to more obvious changes in presentation!

tbh she probably comes out as A Girl first and then realizes she’s actually maybe a demigirl/a nb girl/something like that because being feminine feels Way Better than being masculine, but being A Girl doesn’t feel totally right either

and ronan helps with this, both as a role model for Not Giving A Fuck and also as a butch girl who shows adam that gender and gender expression don’t have to always align perfectly!

every now and then, adam puts on a skirt, and everyone in a 5 mile radius falls in love because she looks Damn Good!

especially with knee socks? like! shit!!!

noah:

noah is a ghost! you think ghosts care about gender? nope! noah’s agender or genderfluid in every universe and thems the facts 🙏🏻

but when noah was alive… he had some Gender Stuff

like, nothing as concrete as actively identifying as something other than a boy, but i think he definitely dabbled in gender presentation as a “haha jokes isn’t it funny” but secretly and quietly because it Felt Right

like… he definitely stole adele’s skirts a few times and his friends were like “czerny r u gay!” and he’s like “haha” but it was definitely actually subtle Gender Feelings that he didn’t have the vocabulary to express

anyway! once he’s dead he has no body and his presentation as Ghost Illusion can change with his comfort

so some days, he manifests looking more femme, and his friends know when to switch up pronouns and make him feel better!

similarly, he can read everybody’s mind, so he always knows what to say and how to comfort his friends when they’re feeling down about anything, including gender stuff!

henry: 

stylizes her name to ‘henri’ to be a little more femme!

Fashion Icon! 

she’s inexplicably stylish. like. the outfits she puts together are Ridiculous and no one in their right mind would wear them and they look Amazing?

sometimes more femme, sometimes comfy being a little more butch, sometimes splicing styles completely! There Are No Rules!

also her Hair. legendary. she grows it out and does all kinds of things to it. she’s known for her elaborate braids. :’)

makeup took the longest to master but now she’s great at it and helps the rest of the girls do their makeup too cuz she’s easily the best at it!

absolutely unapologetic? henri “kiss my trans ass” cheng. henri “down with cis” cheng. 

once henri is fully integrated into the group and gets access to the Dream Hormones, she’s like “!!! idk why my mom is wasting time trading magical artifacts when we could just sell this shit! we’d be set for life and it’d be a great cause!!”

blue:

let’s make her a trans girl too cuz why not!

when maura was pregnant and they found out blue was a boy, calla and persephone were like ‘…sounds fake but okay’

so when blue gravitated toward femme stuff and insisted she was a girl from a young age, they were all like ‘ah that makes more sense!’

there wasn’t a lot of money around 300 fox way for hormones and stuff, but there’s lots of love to go around and they always make sure blue is supported and as comfortable as possible!

blue gets into sewing and making her own clothes during middle school, once puberty starts to wreak havoc on her ability to seamlessly shop in the girl’s department! 

this is a skill that she shares with the rest of the girls once she meets them – she helps them tailor and tweak all their clothes to fit more comfortably!!

she and henry become Fashion Buddies and they make outfits for each other all the time!

300 fox way is kind of a sanctuary for all the girls – surrounded by women who easily and immediately accept them as women too, surrounded by the magic they’re all so in love with… maura, calla, and persephone are their adoptive moms! they have sleepovers at blue’s all the time, individually when they’re having bad days and group sleepovers for fun!! 

[neohowphinktams]

10/27/19 - couple day recap

Let's see what I remember.

I've been taking the lions mane mushroom for about 5 days now and it's incredible stuff. I was reminiscing on the past and I felt really bad about those three years. The more I thought about it, the more real that shit hit me. It was like a dream before, but now I remember how incredibly fucked that whole thing was....Jesus that made me feel bad. So I had to make it up to my parents in some way. I dropped $50 on some rhodiola rosea, and lions mane mushroom 8:1 extract from

and it's arriving tomorrow.

Both are NOT psychoactive, because I know my parents are leery of psychoactive substances like piracetam, but I think these two herbs are going to break the ice for them.

It's weird, my mom was just like no, I don't want to take tour drugs, and I'm like just try it. It's strange to me that that dynamic evolved in our relationship. Where they just shut me down for no reason. Even Dr. Powers said the Rhodiola Rosea was good stuff. And I'm SURE she would say the same about the extract. That shit is blowing my mind on a daily basis. Just so clean and light in my brain now... it's a miracle.

So I bought them that gift and I really hope they like it as much as I did.

On Friday, I was reminiscing on Tamara around 5pm and my music was cooperating. I started to feel depresses and I was like, you know what would go great with this depression? some beer. So I debated that for a couple minutes and bought some beer in the end. I went over to Dane's house shared a beer with him It also gave him two Rhodiola Rosea's and the lion's mane extract. He said he felt better after taking them and he sipped really slowly on the beer because he had to work again. And he has $40 to his name. He's massively in debt so I feel terrible and I want to help cuz he's working so much. We talked about bankruptcy and he said he's starting to a lawyer about it. We watched on my way the music video and I need some of that freedom in that video. Then I went next door and talked with Ben had a really great conversation with him. I was in such a good head space that day. like I went up to Jones after that and it was such a great conversation, I'm just not doing it justice, and I was like tripping in jerren's room after smoking weed. I think it was the beer that made me like trips so hard with the lion's mane. In the beer tasting so so good oh my god it was delicious. And it was low calorie PBR with 4% alcohol. After drinking a little bit I was so liberated It was incredible. I'm Tyson and Jeremy both like "you are like on a life trip" and I was. I was freaking tripping on life just being so liberated. Now it's up to me to harvest what the mushroom is giving me.

Didn't do much yesterday. Went for a walk up there's a long walk over to Lindsey Gardens and then up to 12 and then to the meridian and down and I bought a 4% peach saison and it was delicious and it was a 22 so I had barely any alcohol. I just sipped on it for like an hour and a half. Listen to some album one by San Holo outside and then Mia joined me. All she did was b**** about her friends Siana giving her tickets to get freaky to someone else. That was all she was talking about. The whole time. I feel bad for her, her world is disintegrating.

Today I woke up at 5:00 because of Jerren's music. 2 minutes after I woke up Yuri came over and knocked on my door and smoked me out. He smoked so much weed. He packed a super fat bowl, and I took two hits and I was like I'm good, plenty high right now. And he proceeded to finish the bowl, which was like 10 hits. Then we smoked a cigarette, we came back in and he packed another bowl. I took another hit, and there was still another hit in it. We listened to some music and talked about how he thinks Lorenzo is dealing Meth out of the house (Lorenzo is not) and he thinks Vadym is smoking meth (idk, he can't be smoking it because it would stink, and I haven't smelled anything). He also told me about how he was diagnosed with schizophrenia before. This fucking disease is way more common than you would think, it's just there's no awareness for it. That's why I always tell people I have schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. Because I need to normalize it in society. GET RID of the stigma.

Went back to sleep and woke up at like 12:00. Smoked the rest of that weed. Saw that it was 5 years of 1989. I ate my leftover dinner which was teriyaki chicken with russet potatoes and it was delicious. Then Jerren came down and made the best biscuits and gravy I've ever had. It was good for the first time ever. And it was so good. Then the day passed by. Then Jenny called me at like 4:00 or 5:00 and brought me dinner. Then Dustin came over, and it was the three of us.

I don't like Gini. I always feel like her energy is pressing on me and I really don't like that. Like I really don't.

Then Gini left, and me and Dustin meditated. I gave him some CBD and Lion's Mane Mushroom extract and he was feelin it the same way as me. I'm so excited my parents get to try their first nootropics.

Anyway that's about it for the weekend. Hopefully Jerren takes me to a party next weekend, for Halloween.

Ttyl

-Ls

@taylorswift

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