#idk it could be total shit. I’ve never analyzed art before

[victory-cookies]

essay handed in. let’s go

[overheaven]

hhnnnnn

MFA program interview tomorrow (it's almost 4am now so technically today but shh)

honestly. i think i’m more nervous about what will happen if i'm accepted this time than the interview itself. the interview... i've been through it once, & my interviewing skills are good if i say so myself. but idk until last wednesday i had more or less accepted the idea that an mfa wasn't meant for me in this lifetime. i still WANTED it but i accepted that i might not get it— who do i get rec letters from 2, 5, 10 years down the line, when i’ve likely been just in the workforce and not a community that could speak to my art & study skills? what do i put in my portfolio if i’m too disabled to get out & find studios & make the art i’d want to create a graduate thesis out of?

but now i've got this opportunity and like. yeah you can be cynical about it & say they're filling a quota or maybe this is their M/O every year to bait more applicants & inflate numbers… but idk i’m trying to stop those suspicious, paranoid thoughts because they’re based in insecurity & hurt.

when a dept. head emails me the day before the deadline and says 'we were looking at past applicants and invite you to apply again; just reuse your previous application' and they offer me an interview the day after i send that and a few new materials, i need to think ‘yeah there's something in my art that they want. that the world wants.’ i do make good art, art that does what i need it to do. and i have worked SO hard. i know what i’m doing and what i want.

plus i got waitlisted last time so i was this close 🤏 i’m not going to be cocky but it sounds like a have a good chance this time. i think about how i got into RISD for undergrad i just couldn’t afford it. i got into RISD! one of THE most illustrious art schools in the damn country! only about 17-19% acceptance rate!!! my portfolio was good enough for that!!!!!

so if given this opportunity i will seize it because i have to. i will be grinding myself to dust while i’m there, i’m sure. i’m still spent from the last 4 years, but i am a fighter and i will claw my way through with torn nails and broken teeth if i need to. i’d rather do that right now while the iron is not exactly hot but still workable rather than wait for a nebulous “someday” or never get it at all. if i get it done now, school can be completely totally DONE for me. there’s nothing above a masters for fine art.

and i feel really good about giving this second chance at this MFA program everything i’ve got, without over analyzing or second guessing because my gf has given me a really stable life and we have a whole plan of where we wanna be for the next few years at least. i have a job too! a pretty ideal one for someone like me!! there is a LIFE waiting for me if i get rejected. i’m not hinging on this for student loans to live on and a reprieve from work that was making me suicidal.

but like. yeah i’ve been having a cart before the horse thing. i'm really scared of the idea of 2 more years of study while being away from a more permanent home precisely because we are so ready & prepared for stability and being somewhere that’s not temporary. i don’t wanna be in transition anymore! i want a home and a place to rest!! i want to stay in therapy! i want to go to doctors and fix my body!

but if i need to, i will.

opportunities have always been stolen from me, by circumstance & finances, having no support. i’ve never been in control of my life. i want to capture this one if it lays down in front of me. i really do deserve it.

and tbh i think it will be somewhat easier because it is just art and some TA stuf. undergrad was agonizing because i was trying to put together senior projects and manage portfolios while also having to fucking write busywork 1-2 page essays every week in each of my other classes and writing manuscripts and being the one to manage group project email chains and scheduling because the 18-20 year old students don’t like to just get shit done. i don’t want to say i’m better than students who went to art colleges but i am built different LOL

[greeblingyaoza]

I might get shit for this, but I’m going to express my opinion here anyways. In regards to headcanons involving Ling’s sexuality/gender identity. This gets kind of long, and is also me analyzing why I feel a certain way about these things and whether I should think differently... Also some of my feelings/opinions may be problematic. 

I dislike headcanons for Ling being gay (as in 100% gay, ONLY interested in guys), a trans-woman, and even a trans-man. 

Before I go on, I will say that I’m not saying people shouldn’t have these headcanons. Have whatever headcanons you like. However, I’m only expressing my personal opinions on them, and I have nothing against someone who has these headcanons. 

My reason for disliking gay Ling headcanons: If Ling was gay, that would destroy the Lingfan ship, one of few ships I genuinely care about. It also destroys my self-ship with him, since I’m a heterosexual girl who has a huge crush on him. I know he’s not real, and I don’t own him, and can never be with him anyways, so him being gay would really change nothing for me. It would just mean I couldn’t self-ship with him without erasing his sexuality, so I’d likely have to force myself to get over him. 

Reason for disliking trans-girl Ling headcanons: Again, I’m a straight girl with a crush on him, so it doesn’t work for me at all. Also, I don’t exactly get the point of the headcanon because he obviously considers himself male, so hc-ing him as a trans-male would make more sense. I get people like to project onto their favorite charactesr, so if someone is a trans-girl, they want their favorite male characters to be trans-girls as well. But I feel like it would make more sense to headcanon the already female characters as trans women. 

Reason for disliking trans-male Ling headcanons: Okay, this is what I might really get shit for. I’ll be honest. I’m not sure if I’d be willing to date a trans-guy. Well, if I’d be willing to date ANYONE to even begin with (I’m only interested in fictional characters) I feel like I probably have a preference for cis guys. I know that’s considered transphobic. Because this implies I wouldn’t see him as a man. I do consider trans people as the gender they identify as. Let me get that straight. But I’m not sure if I could date someone trans due to anatomical reasons. I know that’s probably awful. I don’t know if this makes me a bad person or not. I like to think that it’s okay to have preferences as long as you aren’t shaming people for not fitting their preferences. Like....I rarely ever shave my legs. I realize a lot of guys don’t like that. I think they’re allowed to have a preference for shaven legs...but I would take issue if they put me down for not shaving my legs. I know that’s not the same as gender identity, but, that’s just how I feel about it. I’ll just say it, I prefer cis Ling. Also while I don’t consider fictional characters confirmed straight until proven otherwise, in my mind, I think of characters as cis unless proven otherwise by the creator. I never have trans headcanons. But this is also because I’m a cis person who doesn’t need representation. 

Would Ling being any of these above things be good rep? Yeah, sure. However, if I had the choice between...Ling becomes canonically gay and trans and people are happy for the representation, OR Ling is cishet and I get to continue shipping myself with him and shipping him with a girl, I’d choose for him to be cishet. Because I’m a selfish person. 

The headcanons I’m cool with for Ling is...straight Ling, bi/pan Ling, asexual Ling, cis Ling...that’s about it. Because those would still work with what I personally want. 

Non-binary Ling? Eh....it’s okay I guess. Aromantic Ling? Ehhhh...I’m not really aro or ace (though I may be demisexual at the most, because other than someone I feel very strongly for, I’m kind of put off by sex and sexual things)....but I’m definitely not aromantic so...wouldn’t really work for me. 

I’m cool with bi Ling because I 100% ship him with Lan Fan and I casually ship him with Greed on the side, but I’m not as serious about it. But that’s it. And if I ship him with Greed, I prefer him to have feelings for Lan Fan as well. Like I can’t see Lingfan not being a thing, but this is also because I’m suuuppper biased. 

And there’s on more thing...Poly Ling. I have mixed feelings on that. I don’t believe I’m polyamorous. I’ve never been in a relationship in my life, but I definitely would prefer a relationship between me and the one person I love, and I wouldn’t be comfy with them dating other people if they ended up being poly. However, I currently have romantic feelings for both Greed and Ling. Normally my feelings only focus on one character at a time, so this situation is a bit unusual. I feel like if they were real, I’d be willing to try to be in a relationship with them both, as long as they were cool with it, and I’d even be okay if they were together as well. I also can enjoy LingGreedFan as an ot3 even though poly ships aren’t really my thing. However, bring anyone else into the mix? Nope. Can’t do it. However, would this relationship work if they weren’t poly? Would me wanting to be with both of them make me poly? 

Thing is I could also see Greed being polyamorous. I mean we see him with two women at one point in the manga. I could do some reaching and say that maybe he was filling the lonely void in his heart with multiple sexual partners just like he was with other things, such as money and desire for world domination, and that post-Greed-admitting-to-only-wanting-friends would be totally willing to settle for a monogamous relationship with the right person. But of course, let’s say he was real...I would never be able to handle a relationship with him or Ling if they wanted to date other people as well. If they wouldn’t be happy in a monogamous relationship, I’d just let them go. Same with anyone I would happen to have feelings for. Some people may say it’s abusive/toxic to not let your poly partner date other people if they want to...so best thing to do would be to not date a poly person myself. 

I think the thing about the poly headcanons is that I still have this idea ingrained into me that monogamous relationships >>> everything else. I grew up with the idea is that it’s taboo and wanting to be with a lot of people or sleep with a lot of people is inherently bad. Which I know is wrong...poly relationships can be just as valid. And if people want to sleep with a lot of people, that’s not a crime as long as it’s consensual and honest. I guess I just can’t relate, so it makes it harder for me to be completely open to it. 

Also I do tend to ship mostly het ships. Which may be bad? Idk. But I think the reason for that is that I usually don’t give two hecks about a ship unless it 1) involves a character I have a crush on and 2) involves another character with the previous character that I can project onto and imagine myself in the place of. And since I’m a heterosexual girl...well...naturally my preferred ships end up being het. 

Also, this is the same reason that leads to me feeling uncomfortable about Edl/ing. But why is it that I’m okay with greed x ling but not Ling x Ed? I think the reason is...I have a crush on both Ling and Greed, so I can get behind it. Ed...I don’t have any attraction to, nor can I self-project onto him, so it doesn’t work at all. It makes me kind of sad, because that ship is getting so popular lately (probably more popular than Lingfan, which makes me feel...somewhat salty...I mean just the number of new edl/ing posts on the daily compared to the lower number of lingfan seems to show that edl/ing is more popular now. (sometimes I worry that it’s because people think Lingfan is bad/problematic/unhealthy and shouldn’t be shipped :/ ) I mean a lot of people are just sick of het stuff, so maybe that’s why so few people seem to care about my otp anymore...I guess that’s valid. Again, can’t relate. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes I try to force myself to like the ship. Sometimes I see art that’s objectively good and cute and I would have shared it...had it been Lingfan instead. I feel bad about not sharing it. I feel hateful. Sometimes I get angry whenever I see the ship. OR people talking about how great it is...and how “canon” it is, like I just don’t see it. If someone wants to try to convince me why it’s good, they can. I’m open to hearing other opinions, but I just prefer them as friends only. 

I know that’s so immature. I really dislike all these headcanons and that one ship because it gets in the way of MY ship and MY romantic feelings. Which is stupid because...none of these headcanons, mine nor theirs, are canon. Lingfan isn’t canon, no matter the implications. Greed x Ling...not canon. The ship I can’t get into...also not canon, therefore it’s not really threatening me at all??

Okay so, if anyone wants to give my constructive criticism on this and say that some of my feelings here are problematic and harmful to others, you can. I’m willing to have civil discussions on the matter. 

Also another thing, is I realize I’m probably unhealthily obsessed with my fictional crushes, and I need to seek professional help for it, along with my many other issues. It’s not healthy that I feel so saddened by a ship involving my fictional crush that I feel like it invalidates all my feelings and headcanons and essentially ruins my whole day, and leads me to not be able to focus on anything else. 

Sometimes I HATE having romantic feelings at all, because this is how I get, with every single character I fall for, every single time. 

[shirohibiki]

@where-fading-princesses-live said: You make a lot of good points. But I actually enjoyed this episode all things considered, I know it’s Squidward Torture Porn but he didn’t suffer AS much and always came back in one piece. I just thought it was overall funny, not as funny as the old ones, but better than most of the new ones. How Krabs keeps restraining SB but SB always finds a way to follow Squid and bring him back? Classic Looney Tunes style humor. 

And playing up to the fact that yes, most artist’s work only became valuable after their deaths. It’s dark humor, I found it pretty witty actually. My favorite part though: SQUID: Get off of me!/ SB: I’ll never get off of you, Squidward! Idk so funny. XD I never take these episodes too seriously tho so…

----

i take them very seriously. these are my lifeblood. it’s canon, so i’ll analyze the shit out of it 8) it’s fun to pick them apart and get into the nitty gritty~ but no no, don’t get me wrong, i definitely enjoyed it! and you’re right, there was considerably less suffering somehow than other eps?? even though the premise was grim? rofl, i’m just glad for that. i don’t have an “old vs new” thing, i consider everything on an even playing field, and i’ve been loving these new episodes for the most part. there are some misses for me, but overall i think they’re great and the animation is gorgeous. seriously, they’re doing such an incredible job with it?? gosh. anyway, i love that spongebob always finds a way to escape <3 but yeah i LOVE THAT PART SO MUCH O M G... i must watch it again...... i need to

////

@yestinyjellyfish said: I can see why it’d make make you mad cuz Krabs literally tries to kill Squidward in the “nicest ways possible” but I don’t think the premise is terrible. They’re just making fun of the art market: “Performance art can’t put a price on it, because it lives in the moment” obvious nod to Yoko Ono and Andy Warhol, etc. All the old masters and even the more modern artists of the cultural revolution were only able to sell paintings after they died: Van Gogh, Frida Kahlo…

If you ask me it’s the most intelligent episode they’ve done in a loooong time. I’m as much of a Squidward fan as the next person but I wasn’t put off by the humor in this one. “Squid Baby” and “Are You Happy Now” on the other hand… 

---

no, i know; i’m fully aware of what it’s alluding to, and i understand that -- i just still don’t like it because y’know, attempted murder and all lmao. i get that "popularity after death” a thing that happens and stuff, but... yeah. i dunno. and idk, i feel they’ve done plenty of ‘intelligent’ episodes, but hey, i’m not a very good critic xD i agree though, i too feel it was done well -- SO much better than it could’ve gone. LIGHTYEARS better. a very solid improvement from the past--

now waiT A MINUTE WHO SAID YOU COULD MENTION SQUID BABY

ILLEGAL. WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THE DEVIL’S NAME. OH GOD I’M GETTING FLASHBACKS AGAIN WHY THIS

you’re right, you’re totally right and i realized that before but i realize it even more now -sobs- GOD those were both so fucked up. god. god. i’m so glad this one didn’t go that way, because it COULD’VE. there was such dangerous potential for it to. -sniffles- they’re learning...

////

@ourironpersoncollectionpost said: It could have been disturbing but I think they did a good job this time it was fun and surprising and it didn’t hurt to have hinted at SquidBob

----

yeah, you’re right. they really did. i’ll need to watch it again to reassess -- it’s hard when you don’t have time to pause >.> i really did like it a lot, even if it bugged me thematically. there was so much squidbob ughHHHH <3333 i’m proud of them for taking a light and fun route rather than the fuckin’ horrifying shit they could’ve pulled. GOOD JOB, WRITERS. GOOD JOB. NOW GIVE US MORE SQUIDBOB PLEASE

i love talking to you guys about it! :D thank you for entertaining my nonsense~

[phoutube]

(warning i'm a bit negitive in the end of this) yh i get what u mean about identity, like dnp/the fandom have helped me realise a surprising amount abt myself generally. i'm such a different person than the month before i started watching them. i didn't intend for it to be deep but ig it's kind of true?? like even if society was completely deconstructed & we were like cavemen, there'd still be leaders we looked up to in the same way as 'famous' right? there always has been. 1/?

also yeah but i’ve been watching art analyise meaning videos lately lmao. it was fun tho, the gallery had a bunch of interactive reimagining stuff n moderist paintings about first nations erasure in art (here, very local thing). there was a sacred japanese wishing temple as well (i forgot the name) and i threw an acorn at it n wished for dapg to come back someday, BPE (big phannie energy). 2/3

i’ve had like, a really bad week even tho nothing bad has actually happened, it’s just my head making me feel like shit. i’m always waiting for smth to make me happy again but it never ~~works. i feel like the only thing that could make me feel better is a new dapg vid, or it being 2018 again, but since that’s basically over we goin✈✈suicidal thoughts 2night. i hope you’ve had a good week/day

yeah!! the dnp community literally helped me realize I was bi and all that, and I’m definitely a different person than I was before watching them. I’m definitely more open about a lot of stuff?? like they kinda opened my eyes to a lot of problems and stuff in the world, also how important it is to take care of your mental health????? and don’t even get me started on the LGBTQ+ community and how society enforces gender roles and all that. I’m really glad I’ve had the opportunities I’ve had, because I’ve seen different people my age who are complete ignorant assholes (putting it lightly) about stuff like gender and sexuality?? and I always can’t help thinking “that could have been me….” because I’m just a stupid teenager, and without 1) the unique environment I grew up in and 2) the people I look up to (dnp), I could have been totally different?? idk I guess that’s just my Hot Take on some stuff for the night, enjoy my ramblings I guess

also you’re right?? in a way there have always been famous people, and if not ‘famous’ in the modern sense of today’s society, there have always been legends and stories of people… so you have a really good point, actually, because someone DOES have to be famous. it’s pretty unavoidable ig

anyway, back to the stuff that’s been going on in your life!! that sounds really cool??? any analyzing videos are fascinating, really, and I’m super glad you had fun at that art gallery!! interactive type stuff is SO cool..,.,.,. and honestly throwing an acorn at a sacred temple and wishing for DAPG to come back??? that’s the biggest phannie mood so far, tbh

and that sucks?? I’ve definitely had days and weeks like that… like there’s a weight on my chest that won’t lift and that nothing’s really interesting anymore? it especially started at the beginning of 2019, even though this has actually been a really good year so far… like a few days ago I got put into a group project with this kid who I didn’t know before this semester? (I have to classes + lunch with him now) and he jokingly asked why I never smiled and hated everyone…. and it really confused me?? because I didn’t realize I’d gotten like that, I’d always been That Obnoxious Kid in all my classes?? like I was super loud and always cracking jokes, so I guess I’m maturing?? if me maturing means that all my classmates think I’m some asshole robot, then I think I’d rather stay an obnoxious high schooler, then. I hope you get better too, honestly suicidal thoughts are shit to deal with?? I’ve very recently been able to get rid of mine and I hate that other people in the world have them too. idk I guess I’m just automatically the Mom Friend in every situation

oh shit okay just as I was typing that I got super dizzy for no reason so maybe it’s time to lay down even though I’m already laying down and maybe take a break from the internet. I hope you have a better week than the last one, and that you’re happy!!

[jiohenzewy]

Stream of Consciousness #1

tl;dr: I find myself. Any feedback/advice is appreciated. Also, if you actually read this terrible thing, you have a much hardier disposition than I and I love you forever.

Stream of Consciousness #1

I really like analyzing pieces of art and I don’t really understand why, maybe this will help me ralizae that why, I don’t really know. I don’t know how to spell consciousness.i relaly don’t get it.

Like a month or two ago I watched a videe essay or two about ghost in the shell and those videos led me to realize that GITS was one of the best anime I’ve ever seen, which isnt saying much since I don’t watch a metric fudge ton of anime like iive seen people like my friends do. (side talk to chris about froyo). But yeah I like analysis. Its fun.

Just fucking fuck I don’t know how to word  this. Like this is just for me idk what to say. Like that is what the problem always was with spleaking my thoughts is that I had to make palatable for who the audience of my words was but now the audience of those words now is me,, but also future me, so I guess I need to make this as clear as possible. But fuck that shit. Why do I need to be required to be anyone els but who I am right now. Fuck you future me. I cant even be true to myself to myself. I really just need practice expressing myself and practice in you know the work. I need practice in creating something and right now this is that something which to be honest is kind of shitty cuz this is just a bunch of words but just keep writing keep writing keep writing

I really like that show sequlitis but tons of other stuff too. When I think of hypothetical influences to my hypothetical works I think vsauce, pbs idea channel, nerdwriter, lots of nerdwriter, mrbtongue, casey neistat (but hes more inspirtation in that a inspirational cat poster inspires you) others that im forgetting, mr plinkett obvi, fucking fuck other ppl that I forget? Who are these fucking ppl fuck.

I don’t even know anymore

Before that gits analysis shit I was also planning an essay/video essay where I discuss how darth vader lost his mojo in the rouge one movie and I was gonna cite some shit. I then believed that a lot of that argument when down the crapperwhen I was reminded that there was simply someone else behind the mask in said movie but Ive understood and know for what seems like forever that an argument can always be made if u find the evidence for it and a compelling thesis. And what is a feeling you feel in a movie or any art piece than the impetus for a thesis in an analytical work. With that In mind im gonna straight copy/paste the work ive done on that subject down here right now:

“Darth lost his mojo

-mysticism

             -force

             -name

-cool factor, mascot factor, mickey mouse factor

             -Lightsabers

             -promotion for star wars merch across the ages

I was prequel era, not here to judge, star wars is many things with many audiences, ideas of what star wars IS, all ideas equally valid”

So yeah that was some stuff. That conclusion is kinda weak though I need to express my love for some prequel shit a lot more and how It kept the flame going albeit shittily, how both clone wars series can be argued made the prequel series worth it

The thing with the prequel series is that the concept behind it was always worth it. I really resound (?) with the idea that any idea is totally worth it, that any thought/feeling is completely worth it, you just need an excellent execution to make that idea worth it to other ppl…

OH GOD THE MASK

But yeah right now ive included a lot if ideas here that are totally worth it but the execution is bat shit insane. Idk if im going to go back and edit this shit into (a) more cohesive work(s). I kinda don’t want to cuz im lazy but one can never know.

I said a few enter hits back that ive understood forever that an argument is always worth it as long as you find the evidence but that isn’t necessarily true. I mean that feeling was always within my core but the people who brought it out of me were my mentors in my career endeavor, my high school teachers. Andrews and mostly Williams laid down the skeleton and the technical work behind bringing that idea out of me by teaching be the structure of paragraphs and essays and arguments and debates and what not. Gleason and yeah most definitely MOSTLY OUR GOD IN MORTAL FORM ON THIS EARTH REYNAGA brought the feeling and emotion and passion as to why that technical stuff matters out of me. They extracted that passion out of my core and said “you know that shit Andrews and Williams gave you? You can use that shit to be a fucking artist” “be an artist” reynaga told me. Be a fucking artist. Shout out to Andrews again though for teaching me world history and showing me a documentary that completely redefined how I saw myself spiritually and religiously. But yo reynaga definitely extended that spiritual side of me as well, showing to me how I responded so viscerally to the symbols and metaphors used in catholicism and catholic mass.

And yon now that I think about it, my religion probably explains a lot as to why I love analyzing shit.

I need to go back and edit this I really fucking do.

Like I feel really good about myself right now but the thing is this is where I usually stop in writing my thoughts out. I don’t go back and do the hard stuff and edit for a generaller audience. I do this shit for me and me only. Which is fucking fair to do, if that you, you do you, boo boo. But that’s not me, I wannna communicate myself to an audience, I wanna create a really good work and share it, yes to eventually make a living off of, but just to accomplish what I want to accomplsuh. To realise my passion in creating analytical essays or analytical video essays or analytical whatevershit.

I don’t really fucking know to be honest I don’t really know

Could I post this is on tumblr? If I do will I put tags on it so ppl will find that shit? Probably

Yo If youre reading this it means appriximatelyu 2 things, maybe more we’ll see:

1)      That I actually posted this on tumblr

2)      That I probably put tags on it tagging shit like “#ghost in the shell” or “#star wars” or “#analysis” or #analytical essay or some shit

3)      That you have a really fucking strong mind to deal with my bullshit, go fucking you I hope you have good days for eternity

Any and all feedback would be fucking amazing

Especially feedback on how to end streams of consciousness

The end, I guess?

fuckinggfuck