#idk if this is venting or introspection or just documenting my racing thoughts

[takoush]

I should be sleeping, but instead I'm thinking too much...

I don't even know if anyone will even see this since its been so long since I've posted on tumblr, but if you do, I hope it does not perturb or scare you. I guess this is sort of just me journaling some personal shit I've been grappling with. I've been feeling hyper isolated, and still quite raw from a particularly scary mental spiral, but in my more stable moments, I've tried to plant footholds in my brain for future improvement... But even those moments pass, and sometimes the sadness wells up again. The hollow ache that bleeds in my chest, the silence that is deafening to a mind stuck ruminating.

So I try to redirect, as many times as it will take. I want to feel safe, I want to feel better. So I set up reminders to light my way again when I feel like darkness is closing in all around me.

But yeah, journaling...

......I often feel like don't have much to offer when it comes to friendship.

I'm not all that bright, relatively poor at what talents I do still have. I haven't drawn in months, and not in years have I made art of the caliber I used to. I'm not particularly skilled at cooking or videogames or any other hobby really. I'm really dense sometimes and kind of a simpleton, and I grapple with a slew of mental issues that really nobody deserves to endure hearing about. I'm so dense that I can't pick up on obvious shit, but evidently I am not dense enough to NOT second-guess every single thing I say or do. And uh... I don't even have anything really going for me physically to make up for these internal deficits, either.

I guess... what I can offer is... loyalty. If I love you, I'm your staunch ally and friend forever. No matter how much time may pass in correspondence, I will still hold feelings of fondness for you if we are friends.

I like to think I'm a safe place to if you need someone to talk to. If you need to vent and need someone to listen, I won't ever judge, I know the value of getting that shit out and just having someone to listen, to tell you its gonna be okay if you need to hear it. If people have a bad time or make mistakes, I can handle hurt and can forgive if they genuinely want to change... in fact I'm probably way more forgiving than I ever really should be. But even if my trust has been hurt in the past, who am I to deprive others of patience and forgiveness if they truly work for it, right? Humans are messy to begin with, we don't need to make things even harder for ourselves...

I'll be your biggest cheerleader without even thinking about it-- it sounds cheesy but if you're my friend, I just want to support you from the bottom of my heart. Your hopes and dreams, your creations and enjoyments... I just love to see the people I adore happy. Call me a people pleaser if you wish, but nothing I do has anything other than an earnest motive. I offer to help without thinking, the words of appreciation and admiration fly out of my mouth before the thoughts fully form. Its just... instinct. If i can make someone's load lighter even just a bit, light up their day in even some small way... it feels worth it.

I don't want to toot my own horn... but I can at least love myself for having nothing but earnest intentions regarding those I love and care for. I may be profoundly broken and flawed, and I may mess up a lot, or talk too much, or cling too tightly... but at least my feelings of friendship are genuine and profound.

I know its not much... but its honest.

And maybe my heart just tells me that if I can't have that sort of thing in my life, then I will become that sort of thing, or at least try to... so maybe others will never feel crushingly alone, or bereft of deep and abiding patience and love and care, like I have felt sometimes.

I want to recognize and work on my faults, but maybe sometimes I need to remind myself of the little good things I have inside me, too.

So while I have a stable moment, and firmer grasp of my anxiety-ridden noggin jello, I want to tell myself that come what may, I want to keep love in my heart and try to hang on to hope, even if more hurt may come from it, even if I shrink down and diminish myself for a time for the sake of my own stability. I want to foster the faith and trust I placed in those I love, and who in turn placed such in me, and I want to live up to the privilege of carrying that faith.

I want to be better. For all of you, and for myself. So that faith will never feel misplaced.

Thank you for loving me, as messy and burdensome as my mental baggage can get. For having patience with me and my mistakes, for treating me kindly when I forget what it is to be kind to myself, for letting a little piece of me into your heart, and for giving me little pieces of you to hold and cherish in my own.

I love you, my friends. Deeply, earnestly, and more than I can possibly articulate.

I apologize again if you read this and felt irked or anything. I feel terrible for even indulging in writing all this... but I'll be the first to admit, I'm far too weak to keep my feelings bottled up forever. But I don't want my spiraling to make me do something I'll regret, so these words and thoughts that run in circles and strings need to come out somewhere I suppose. At least here, one can choose to read it, rather than be forced to witness a nervous breakdown. So I can read it too, and remind myself in a weak moment that maybe I do have some goodness there inside me that's worth remembering.

tbh, its fucking 3 am, my head is pounding, my eyes are swollen from days of on and off nervous crying, and I can hardly think anymore having gotten this thought spaghetti out.

I just need to keep telling myself that all things shall pass, as cliche as that sounds. My anxiety spikes will fade, and I will feel stable again. I will.