#idk if this is common play or if it was just my brothers troop but at one of the meetings they said anyone who ate a cricket got a push pop

[alaskan-wallflower]

ok but why do i feel like steve and soda were in boy scouts together

OH OH and to make it even better, y’know the movie up and how the kid russell didn’t have a parent to give him his fina ml badge but then carl came as a stand in and gave russel it to help him move up? that’s me curtis with steve, he gives steve his final badge before he could advance from boy scouts because his father didn’t show and steve won’t admit it but he bawled

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 29-32

I realize leaving y’all hanging for a whole year like that in the snark, where our beloved heroes Andi and Dex had just been shot in their empty little heads, was very cruel of me. You guys must’ve been just DYING to know what happened.

Quick recap: Andi & Co are space pirates. They are captured by Andi’s ex Dex and the father of Andi’s childhood friend, whom she “murdered” by landing a ship bad. He asks her to get his son, who is in a dank dark prison. Andi does the thing with the help of Dex and her ragtag bunch of generic archetypes. 

We good?

Let’s go.

Chapter 29

We interrupt the 100% totally real threat of Andi and Dex being shot to death to have another boring-ass moment with Nor. She walks around in an underground lab feeling sorry for herself and thinking about how tragic her backstory is. We’re introduced to a two-headed scientist who could’ve been interesting in the hands of actually talented authors, but who doesn’t appear in the book after this point so she’s wasted. For some reason she’s also referred to as one person when the heads are clearly different individuals? Irl when there are two heads sharing one body the heads are different people with different names. You know, because the person is stored in the brain? Idk why Shinsay did this.

“Slowly, you dolt!” the right head screeched to the left. 

The left head huffed in annoyance. “I’m merely trying to give our queen a glimpse of her new toy.” 

“It’s a wonder I’ve been able to put up with you all these years,” the right head retorted. 

“You haven’t a choice, my dear,” the left said back.

I think this is supposed to be funny, but all I can think if is how everyone’s dialogue sounds exactly the same. 

We find out that this is where Nor’s people are developing the titular Zenith (except it’s not named yet, spoilers), and Nor wants to know if they’ve made any progress.

The two-headed scientist, Aclisia, says that the weapon is ready and that they only need a test subject. Did they develop this mind-altering thing without any previous test subjects? I mean I guess it makes sense that they’d need somebody unaffected by previous versions to test out the final product, but like ... Did the previous subjects die? That doesn’t bode well. 

Anyway, the test subject they have is one of the guards on Lunamere, where Andi and Dex were in the previous chapters. Nor is displeased that the guard “let them go,” and I want you to remember this line:

“You had one of the Unified System’s most wanted fugitives in my prison. And instead of keeping her there, where she could have been persuaded to join the right side of the galaxy...you lost her. [...]”

File that away for future reference, my pretties. 

Anyway, we end the chapter without even finding out what the drug does, because Shinsay love breaking their own pace and suspense because they have to rely on cliffhangers to keep people reading. 

Chapter 30

Oh Christ oh God it’s our girl Klaren again. It’s year twenty-four and despite five years passing this woman is still all about how she’s destined to die and everything in her life is crap, which, idk, mood I guess?

Xen Ptera is losing the war and Klaren is sick because of all the poison air or whatever. The king wants her to hide because enemy troops are closing in, and Klaren takes another moment to think about how she wasn’t supposed to fall in love and yadda yadda. 

Who’s ready for another Smaasism?

She wished she could go back. She wished she could change that passionate night they had shared, the careless days after and the tonic she’d forgotten to take...

tOnIC

You’d think in advanced space times they’d have more reliable birth control. 

Also ... wouldn’t the king expect an heir anyway? Like, we’ve seen that even the title of “general” is inherited in this shitfest of a universe, so wouldn’t he eventually catch on and insist on having a kid? Or if she claimed she couldn’t produce one, surely there would be tech to get around that? Idk. For all the future-sight this bitch had, she sure didn’t have any common sense. 

Klaren tells the king to take Nor and fuck off, and Darai says something about how she’s the strongest Yielded and how she must fulfill her duty. 

Which apparently includes going into the battlefield, which is conveniently right outside the palace, and mind-control General Cortas into wanting to fuck her so bad he forgot she was his enemy. 

Her husband was wrong. 

Hope was not dead. 

Hope, in the form of the queen’s sacrifice, had only just flickered to life.

This is framed as tragic and beautiful but she is about to mind-rape a man for years soooo get ready for some extremely uncomfortable shit.

Chapter 31

We’re back in Andi’s POV, except it’s still a fucking flashback. This time it’s to when Andi was still Kalee’s Spectre and lived with Valen and the other dingdongs. And then we get actually good writing?

During meals, when Andi and the other Spectres stood guard, she’d watch him curiously. Valen usually sat in the farthest seat from his father, hunched forward as if he were battling some deep, silent pain. Sometimes she’d catch him staring at her with his strange, unblinking hazel eyes, his paint-stained fingers gripping his golden fork like a weapon he didn’t want to use.

Like I’m into this. It’s showing and not telling, mysterious and intriguing without being on the nose, and for once Andi doesn’t have all the cards and knows what Valen is inside and out, so his character doesn’t become obvious. Like, he’s battling some pain, but he’s also reluctant to use a weapon? That could mean anything! In a good way!

This good chunk is also immediately ruined by the following descriptions, which point out that indeed, all the other kids talk about Valen and how WEEEEYOOORDDD he is, and how he’s constantly covered in paint, because that’s what artists look like, I guess. Catch me bodyslamming a freshly painted park bench to prove I know color theory.

We’re also told that Valen never got a personal Spectre for spooooooky reasons. He just doesn’t feel like a proper part of the family, ya know? I wonder that it all could meeeeaaaaaan. 

This is all told to us just so we can revisit the part where Valen tries to stop Andi and Kalee from going on a joyride. Kalee insults him for a bit, and then Valen drops some more foreshadowy dialogue about how he hopes this birthday is everything Kalee wants it to be. 

Subtle. 

Chapter 32

OH MY GOD WE’RE IN LIRA’S POV NOW. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE SHINSAY, WE KNOW YOU WOULDN’T MURDER YOUR PRECIOUS CELAENA AND RHYSAND RIPOFFS IN CHAPTER 29 WHEN THERE’S A BILLION MORE CHAPTERS LEFT.

Lira has been literally counting seconds since they left Andi. 

Yeah.

She recaps everything that happened three chapters ago, saying they executed their secret plan with the “ultimate amount of finesse” before noting that despite obeying Andi’s direct orders to run, she feels like a traitor. 

Your captain is in chains, a voice whispered in the back of her mind. You should be by her side. Instead, you’re running. 

All you ever do is run.

I have literally no idea how this is even a little bit relevant considering that they’re waiting for Andi and Dex to return and aren’t moving anywhere. By the way, Andi and Dex are thirty minutes late. Which freaks Lira out because THAT WASN’T IN THE PLAN. 

Her scales start freaking out and she’s about to overheat. Holy shit, how are you still alive? 

Honestly, this is a pretty accurate depiction of someone with an anxiety disorder, but I think we’re supposed to think Lira is emotional or analytical or loyal or whatever. I doubt Shinsay have the finesse required to write something like this on purpose, so this just reads as incompetence. 

Apparently Andi said that if they’re late, the girls are supposed to flee and save themselves, and Lira is starting to get antsy. 

Ok so ... just moments ago you were worried about how you’re always running away. So why is your first instinct when your beloved captain is THIRTY MINUTES LATE to book it? Like. Calm the fuck down. Thirty fucking minutes, in space? Can you chill??? 

Lira whines more about how this is the second time this week that she’s second-in-command and she hates it. Hey why not give that responsibility to Breck, who’s always calming everyone down? Would that make too much sense? 

Lira goes to her room to mope and angst about how she likes being alone. It’s riveting. She thinks about how this crew is her SOUL and how much she LOVES them. Which we can see by her sitting alone in her room thinking about how much she loves them, obviously.

She continues to angst about how her dad died of Space Plague, and her mom became a drunk because ... Idk, that’s what moms do in books like these. But lo, she and her brother got taken in by their Cool Aunt, who then wanted them to Do Things when they grew up, and Lira doesn’t want to Do Things, she wants to fly around and Crime. 

So she left her home planet because her Cool Aunt wanted her to Do Too Much Stuff, and the weight of her expectations crushed Lira, who must soar the skies like the beautiful bald blue bird she is. 

The other girls interrupt this godawful exposition dump by inviting Lira to play some Not!Pokémon. And we get this exchange, which I included in my review, and yes, it’s real:

“Hope is a raging asshole,” Gilly said. 

“Explain to me, Gilly,” Breck said with a sigh, “how exactly can an asshole rage?”

Lira choked on a sudden, unexpected laugh. “I swear, the two of you. You were both born with my brother’s sarcastic soul.”

This bloated and repetitive nonsense that apparently passes for character development is interrupted by Alfie, who’s gotten out of the waste bay. We’re reminded that this ship doesn’t have any mechanics, because of course, and Alfie makes a reference about how the ship’s AI’s voice is turning him on. 

It appears Lira has gotten a message from Soy to come and get Andi and Dex.

*sigh*

[randomnameless]

Final Chapter - Freege to Velthomer!

Last time in FE4, Hilda died and we learnt that Julia was supposed to be the only one to save the world.

What’s going to happen now?

Ishtar joins her mom in the place all Jugdralian people go to before turning into ghosts, and Manfroy reveals his trump card : EVIL!JULIA!

Ishtar will lead the last “human” forces against us. The Weissenritter was mentionned during the first gen, can they live to their hype?

don’t mention the name of that owl to me julius

This is super creepy though, Ishtar apologise because she has to leave his side, and Julius wonders why she wants to get out so badly... Toxic relationships 101 : something you have to avoid at all costs

remember when the isaachian maggot sliced’n’diced you? You know, the one who’s married to your brother? “i have nihil now”

This is side of Ishtar we don’t always see, the one who’s proud to be a part of Freege’s prestigious mages. 

I wonder if this is really bullshit, but i like this part of “they killed my family i can’t let them run amok”. We’re in a game called Genealogy - it works for the heroes, but also for the other side.

Julius is kind of aware that Ishtar wants to escape him? Why? Because he knows that his actions are utter crap, or because he knows she’s found out about Loptyr?

:’(

I don’t know who Ishtar’s trying to convince here, Julius or herself? Or maybe she loves “Julius” but she knows “Julius” is dead, so she has no reason to live anymore and seeks death? Loptyr suspects something, but ultimately, he doesn’t care. 

We’re not in the “i love you” “ i know” Leia/Han, more in the “i love you” “whatever”...

Vaha had children with brown hair?This one has some serious eye problems or red eyes are common? Maybe she’s one of Julius’ half-cousins?

Sorry yourself!

His dad died, Ishtar’s made her last good bye, but to him it’s still a game? Or maybe he sends his deadlords to help Ishtar’s troops?

or maybe they were the reason why she wanted to run away asap from belhalla because zombies are kind of creepy

PURGE THEM MY PAWN

EVIL JULIA IS SO EVIL SHE HAS DOUBLE MIRACLE THAT’S SO EVIL I CAN’T EVEN

:’(

Aerone has no place in the postwar!Jugdral, and especially no place in the future Thracia. Keep going where? For what?

Revenge? I guess anyone who spot the zombies knows that there is no “winning back” anything if Julius wins. If Leif wins, they will never be able to return to the motherland, but if Julis wins, they will never be able to return to, idk, anywhere because there won’t be a somehwere to land on.

It’s not a defiance, it’s just pointless. But it’s the beautiful kind of pointless, something tackled on at the end of the game - this game is called genealogy, revenge breeds revenge, etc...

Oh shit - I forgot to check their skills and they were aware, so no murder in sight for Faval (remember how his uncle Andrei was famous for killing peg knights? Faval tried to do the same, but Meng and co aren’t as naive as Manhya). Seriously those peg knights were a pain to deal with.

Liar, i gave you a sword. Arthur is sassy and rude towards his wife, that’s not very kind of you.

Well, I can’t disagree with him here. You’re in the last map of the game, a sea of red units is in sight, it’s not the time for an idle and pointless support convo!

Of course she’s important to you, she’s your wife! You forgot or something??

OH! YOU DIDN’T

Promises you can’t keep 2.0. : 1 !

Who’s going to inherit Velthomer? Not Saias, he doesn’t exist in this game!

Attack!

Oh. Note that Ced had accuracy issues here, due to all those LS stars around. When I said this part was annoying, it was annoying because i had no reliable way to murder the peg knights, and Cairpre - unpromoted in all of his glory - was loitering around.

Hit 54 for the supposed greatest unit in the game? That’s disappointing - granted, Faval’s hit rate was around 15-20 so...

At least you mention your sisters! It nearly made me feel bad for killing you.

Maybe because Arion isn’t Quan’s and can’t switch sides so easily?

What truly matters is to save the world from Loptyr, but Alty’s going too far. His own vanity and pride? Your new friends killed his dad, and want to put Leif on his throne!

“he promoted since our last meeting?”

Setting his own suffering? Is Seliph feeling bad because he has to kill his brother - wait he just said he’ll managed to convince Julia to do it for her - or because of something else? Like everyone is suffering in this war, but they must do it to save the world?

“and getting rid of my dad to avenge Quan was compulsory to save the world?”

Anyways, RN, Seliph’s fighting to save the world, so swallow your pride and join us? Is it what Alty’s trying to say?

???

Where does this come from? Why making a moving speech just to spit on it afterwards? What about fighting for justice? I don’t understand those siblings at all...

Julius called him a mercenary? And fighting for Altena, really? He gave up on the motherland and all of his previous motives just like that?

Meh.

Poor Tine. She tries to make Ishtar remember how she used to be the kind cousin, surely the kind cousin doesn’t want to fight for a brat summoning zombies around!

Ishy acknowledges she’s doing the “wrong” thing, but she can’t turn back now. At least she managed to save the children, so she’s just here following Julius for “reasons”, not because she believed in his crap. But why dying? Well...

“It is I, Ares the Bla-”

“Shut up”

Ares doesn’t tolerate people telling him to shut up while he is announcing who they’re facing against.

I don’t remember why i screencap’d this. She’s affiliated to Belhalla, not to Ishy? idk.

Well, she already died...

After Ishtar and her friends’ death, Seliph and co run to Velthomer to kill a certain someone but...

What are you talking about

hit 20 - at least he’s not being assaulted by naked women like the FE5 version of the spell but gdi Ares

“Julia, I’m your husband!”

“HA HA HA You’re not even important to the plot, and you’re from the land of no relevance! Even Miletos is more important than your barbarian country!”

She’s too evil to recognise her husband!

Oh. Seliph suggests that Manfroy cursed her, so he must have spot her convo with Ulster.

What about the “do not hate people but the evil in their hearts” or something?

And here, Seliph finally knows what happened to his mother! Has he even believed once that she betrayed to marry Arvis and knew about Siggy being her former husband but didn’t care, or has he always known that his mom was brainwashed to end up with Arvis?

Manfroy is proud to explain his grand plan. And proud he shall be, he played everyone just to bring Julius into this world!

In the old translation he meant that Loptyr finally took possesion of Julius, but here I think it’s more ambiguous?

WELL NOBODY COULD IF YOU KILLED THE USELESS PUPPET YOU SENT TO TORMENT ULSTER

Oh Seliph. I truly believed that your Father would have died in the first gen, regardless of Manfroy’s ambitions. Siggy wasn’t meant to survive in the Granvalle of Arvis, Reptor and Langbalt.

Manfroy is an exception to the “don’t hate the people”, just like the Dozels.

Ares stole the kill - or maybe he wanted to help Seliph “you can’t preach about understanding people if you murder this guy on spot”

What evidence? Some real evidence or your last hopes? I mean, the guy/dragon must have been so relieved to see Julia alive, so what’s another miracle after that?

Detective Felipe!

Just smash the locked case damn it!

So here Arvis’ “take this circlet it will save you” was actually relevant! He knew Julia’d be sent in Velthomer and she’d be able to open the box?

“why can’t we just smash the thing” - “it’s a magic lock” - “can’t we ask Patty” - “Magic Seliph, magic.”

I hope this changes in the remake. Really. I thought she’d be free once Manfroy died, but nope, she continued to try to kill her husband.

You crossed Granvalle on your own without being conscious?

Brainwashed her uh? 

was she going to tell him about her secret identity?

so you know how i hate you because you killed “the kindest man” and how i will never let you near Julius?

kidding

Seliph apologises because he couldn’t fulfill the promise he made her in the first chapter, it’s a cute throwback to chapter 6!

Julia knows why she survived all these years for, not because F!Lewyn was a gentle soul who rescued her out of kindness, but because she was a weapon! 

:)

You never ran away?! You were warped around by everyone and never had any agency! 

This is uncomfortable - Why is Julia thinking it’s her fault because she ran away, and why is Seliph telling her she’s right??

Oh, here we find the same kind of speech Alty gave earlier. They must march on to get rid of Loptyr!

No “welcome back Julia, are you okay?” Goodness, with F!Lewyn around, no wonder why Julia still thinks her dad is the “kindest man” ever.

F!Lewyn is so happy, he didn’t fail his mission! Finally, the naga major has the book of naga! It could have happened way earlier but here it is!

“it was the shiny book on mom’s bedside’ table”

Shining!Julia

TIME TO END THE GAME