#idk if that comes across i hope things i post dont come across like im super mad aknakfjnsj

[mythalism]

i think what people need to understand is that no amount of essays assuring me of veilguard's strengths, of which i agree there are plenty, is going to change the fact that the emotional experience veilguard prompted within me (and for many others) while i played it was a deeply negative one. discomfort at best, painful at worst. im talking stomach aches. visceral, somatic creeping disappointment and dread that i tried to fight for hours and hours but eventually had no choice but to accept. i stopped wanting to play entirely around 30 hours. i felt vaguely ill. i felt anxious. i could not sleep for a few days. and im not saying i felt sick because it was so bad, but that i felt sick because of the sinking realization that i was about to be terribly, horribly disappointed after so, so long. you could call me dramatic and im sure someone will. idk what to tell you. my emotions manifest physically long before they become decipherable or understandable to me mentally, especially when they're 10 years in the making. probably an autism symptom. regardless, it was genuinely pretty awful, especially because i had immense good faith for this game. i was so hopeful and optimistic and generally thrilled and literally anyone who followed me before october 31 would know that. the emotional whiplash and crash was intense and devastating, and i was reeling for days. you cannot tell me that this experience was "wrong" or "toxic" due to it's negative nature. it was entirely involuntary and outside of my control, as i would expect many people's joy was. emotional reactions are not beholden to fandom discourse.

any post i have made criticizing the game since is attempt to make sense of the emotional roller-coaster of the past 10 years, this summer, and finally this game's release. i do not come on here and write out my criticisms of veilguard because i want YOU to dislike it too. the nature of my essays are not persuasive. if they do persuade you its just because i am a well-trained essayist. sorry. if they dont, great! that wasnt the point. i have no desire to change anyone's mind on the game, in fact i actually would not wish the disappointment i felt on anyone. the fact that i have a lot of followers who agree with what i say and who spread the thoughts i express across tumblr is literally out of my control. when i write out my long-winded criticisms, it is out of a need to express and externalize that sinking, cold feeling i had while playing, in pursuit of understanding exactly why playing that game felt that way to me. identifying, analyzing and verbalizing is the only way i have been able to process my experience. its confessional and therapeutic more than anything. it helps other people understand their own difficult emotional process with the game. its not an attempt to ruin your fun. my negative experience with veilguard does not invalidate anyone else's positive one.

i see so many posts acting like all criticism is an intentional, targeted hate campaign and i dont understand that assumption. to what ends? what would that achieve? why would i bother with such a thing? maybe that is some people's intention in the deep hater corners of this website, and im blissfully unaware. if it is, fuck them. its certainly the intention of annoying grifters, but i feel the distinction between transphobe grifters and devastated fans is pretty clear, so im not sure why the lines are deliberately blurred as if those groups are remotely similar. some of my criticisms come from a more objective place. the writing comes to mind, and it's a consistent criticism from thousands of players. but just because i consider it to be poorly executed, does not make it unlovable. and when i say that i think its poorly done, i am not saying that you cannot or should not love it, or that you are stupid for loving it. maybe someone out there is saying that!!! but i am not. things do not have to be perfect to be enjoyable. they dont even have to be well executed to be enjoyable. "i think x aspect of veilguard is poorly done for yz reasons" is a completely different sentence than "you should not like x aspect of veilguard for yz reasons". these are not the same statements. i see so many posts that are so vitriolic and acting like two experiences of this game cannot coexist, that one has to win and be objectively right, moralizing them on a false axis of positivity = good and negativity = bad, and acting like the existence of one negates the experience of the other. and why? why would that be true? i literally love so many things that other people think are absolute ass. i also love plenty of things that i myself think are actual ass. i love them anyway. this is allowed and really fun. i am not sure who told you that it is not.

however, i have just as much of a right to express my disappointment as you have to express your excitement. i am genuinely happy for everyone who loves the game, i am glad it resonated, or that you saw yourself in its characters, or that it just scratched your hyperfixation itch. but whatever je ne se quoi it had for you, it did not have for me. i have written out so much criticism about so many aspects of the game, but fundamentally what it comes down to and what i cannot express in words is that while i played after waiting 10 years for that moment, it felt wrong. it wasn't that i had specific expectations for game story that were not met, in fact, it exceeded my expectations in a lot of ways. i mean that in terms of how i felt, something was off. it did not resonate. it did not land. it did not hit the right cord with me. i did not have enough moments of joy to outweigh the feeling of emptiness. i did not walk away from it feeling the way that the previous games made me feel. and ive been trying to figure out exactly why that is for three months now by talking about it with people who feel similarly. i am not sure that i will ever be able to analyze my way into figuring it out. it might just have to simply be that it left me bereft.

and so my posts are not anti-veilguard hater propaganda to make you feel like shit for loving the game. rather, they are me verbally processing exactly why i feel like shit so i can hopefully stop feeling like shit. to assume that people who are trying to process these negative feelings are toxic and intentionally malicious is a projection made in bad faith. i love dragon age, and it is because i love it so much that it disappointed me, and it is because disappointed me that i have to verbally process it on tumblr.com so that i dont go absolutely insane. i tag my posts properly. i do not go into tags where i do not belong. i do not rage-bait. i am participating in post-partum dragon age therapy between me and my followers. if it ends up on your dash, sorry. my therapy is popular i guess. so please for the love of god enjoy the game, freely and enthusiastically. i am happy for you. i will sit here and be jealous that it spoke to something in your soul that it unfortunately did not speak to in mine, and nothing i say can take that away from you. please stop interpreting it as an attempt to.

[bqu1nns]

hiiiiii!!! thank u for ALL the freaking love on my posts/dm's i have recieved!! dont be afraid to leave a request in my inbox if u guys have any ideas for things u want to see me write (im currently writing a smut request... ask away!!) for this fic i wanted to delve in deeper with more "darker" themes of past s@ and other stuff :'( ive gone thru this myself and i just wanted to write it out!! also this is basically about brian doesnt want u to leave him because youre returning for a new sem in college/uni and hes gonna miss u. i hope u guys this like this one + ask me if u guys want a SERIES of this one.. i have so many ideas. LOVE YALL!! ps. i will be writing HOPEFULLY every single day from now on :0)

also i was inspired to write this based off of "smoke signals" by the beautiful and charming phoebe bridgers. song is about reconnecting with the broken parts of yourself and confronting the truths that hadn't been said before... YES!

also idek if brian smokes.. i know he smokes w33d sometimes but idk about cigarettes? hopefully that didn't ruin the story sorry :'(

smoke signals ꔫ brian q.

1385 words

the evening had been a whirlwind of laughter, warmth, and drunk friends that lingered long after they bid their goodbyes to me and brian. brian had this way of making you feel like you were the only person in the room. tonight had surely been no different. after a cozy dinner and hours of effortless conversations. his laughter echoed in your mind like a favourite song you just couldn't forget, but it wasn't the laughter you awoke to hours later. it was complete and utter silence. 

the bed was empty next to you, the indent of his body still carved into the soft mattress. the faint scent of his smell— earthy and familiar—lingered into the sheets. you sat up slowly, the blanket pooling around your waist, you scanned the room. it sure was quiet, safe from the muted hum of the city below. then, you saw it: a faint glow from the balcony door, the flicker of a lighter’s flame sparkling against the night. 

you pulled on his hoodie from the chair by the bed—it smelled like him, a little worn—and stepped out onto the balcony, barefoot and all. 

brian stood with his back to you, the city skyline stretching out before him like a sea of fractured stars. the cigarette between his two calloused fingers burned lazily, the smoke curling up and flowing into the night’s air. he was still, almost too still, his shoulders tense beneath his band t-shirt. for a moment, you hesitated, not wanting to intrude. 

“i can feel your eyes on me, hon,” brian said, his voice low and gruff, cutting through the silence. 

you froze for a second, but then a smile crept onto your lips. “you can feel my eyes on you?,” you stepped closer to his side.

he turned his head just slightly, enough for you to catch the edge of his smirk, “you've got a stare that's pretty hard to miss.”

you leaned against the railing beside him, letting your arms brush his, the sudden contact seemed to soften him up. he glanced up and down at you, smiling softly, and then at the cigarette between his fingers before taking a slow drag, ember glowing briefly in the dark. 

“couldn't sleep?,” you asked, breaking the silence once again.

he exhaled, the smoke curling past his lips. “didn’t see the point of it,” he chuckled. “you?”, he nudged your shoulder.

you shrugged, pulling his hoodie tighter around yourself. “woke up and you weren't there. thought you’d been abducted by aliens or something.”

that earned a quiet laugh from him, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. he tilted his head back, staring at the night sky—or what could've been beyond the city lights. “nah, if the aliens wanted me, they’d have come for me a loooong time ago.”

he wasn't a man who wasted his words.

“brian,” you started gently, the breeze carrying your hair softly, “what's going on?”

he didn't answer right away. instead, he just stared out at the city, the glow of the streetlights casting colourful shadows across his face. he finally spoke, voice low, almost like a whisper. 

“you're leaving tomorrow.”

you swallowed, the weight of his words setting over you. “you know i have to, bri,” you said softly.

his rough hands gripped the railing, knuckles clenching. “do you remember what you told me when i left for college? seems like it was ages ago.”

the question caught you off guard, but it didn't take long to search through your brain to find the answer. you remembered every word, every tear-stain on your pillow, every goodbye. 

“i told you that i couldn't stand being away from you when you're gonna be in a whole other state while i'm here finishing highschool,” you said quietly.

brian nodded, “you said it wasn't fair to either of us. that we needed to live our own lives.” he paused, put the cigarette out, squishing it. “but i didn't know what you were really going through.”

you flinched at the memory of those days, flooding back like a tidal wave. the nights you cried yourself to sleep. the mornings you woke up feeling like a shell of yourself; pearl taken away from you by some other man. the way you couldn't bring yourself to tell him about the assault—how could you? how would that conversation even go? he was already carrying the weight of his own future and you’d been drowning in yours. 

“i didn't want to hold you back,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

he turned to look at you then, his eyes searching for something. “you didn't hold me back,” he said, his voice cracking a little. “i didn't understand why you left back then. i just…i thought i wasn't enough for you to fight for.”

the words hit you like a good punch in the gut, and for a moment, you couldn't breathe. “brian, it was never like that. it wasn't that,” you said, voice trembling. “i was—” you stopped, choking over your own words. “i didn't leave because i didn't love you. i left because i didn't know how to handle what happened to me. i couldn't handle us while trying to put myself back together.”

the weight of your confession hung in the air, words you didn't even really realize within yourself just popped out. for a moment, he didn't say anything. he just stared at you, face softening as the anxiety drained away from his features. 

like he had tears in his eyes. 

“i know that now,” he said finally, voice getting quieter. “i know why you did what you did but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt like hell.”

“i didn't want to hurt you,” you whispered. “i thought i was doing the right thing. you had a whole future in front of you, and i didnt want to drag you down with my… mess.”

he reached out, hand brushing yours. “you weren't ever a mess to me. you're never going to lose me.”

“but what if i do?” you whispered, question trembling in the space between the two of you.

“when you left last time,” his voice low and unsteady, “it felt like…like someone had ripped out the ground beneath me. and i told myself that i’d never let anyone have that kind of power over me. that i’d never fall in love again.”

you bit your lip, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. 

“but then you came back into my life,” he continued, voice softening. “and all that—everything i’d tried so fucking hard to bury—it came rushing back like it had never left me, even for a second. and i let it back in. for you. us.”

you reached for his hand, threading your fingers through his. his rip was firm, grounding, like he was holding on for the both of you.

“It's ironic, isn't it?” he said, the corner of his mouth turning into a smirk. “you're the one that's going to college and leaving this time.”

“i don't want to go.” you chuckle as tears spilled over now, hot and out of your control. you hugged him tightly, putting your face into the crook of his neck. 

“then stay,” he said, cradling your face in between his hands, kissing your cheeks sweet and slowly. 

“i can't,” you said, wiping your tears. “you know i can't. but that doesnt mean im letting you go. not this time.”

he lets out a shaky breath and you feel it on your skin. “feels like you're slippin’ through my fingers all over again, doll.”

you turned to him, hand reaching to touch his face, your thumb brushing against the scruff of his jaw. “i'm not,” you said, words steady even though your heart ached. “i'm not going to let us fall apart. you have to believe me, bri.”

he leaned into your touch, pressing a kiss to your hand. “you swear?” he asked, barely above a whisper. “i swear,” you said, “i love you too much to lose you again.”

he pulled you tightly into his arms, holding you like he was afraid you’d disappear if he let go. “i love you so much…too much baby,” he murmured into your hair. 

“let's get back to bed, hmm?” you say as you pull back, leading him back in. 

“you sure we’ll actually sleep?”

– ♡

would u guys want me to make a pt 2 of this or a series of this fic with them of them going to the airport perhaps and dropping reader off.... maybe... college!gf and firefighter!brian .... im dropping my fantasies onto you guys SOUNDS FUN!!!

[remusawoooo]

anon here, excited to read the essay! i asked you because i really like your takes and i see people in the more canon-adjacent parts of the marauders fanbase to complain about the extremes of the fanon one, though personally ive never really seen anything Too extreme, tho thats probably just tantamount to how well i curate my spaces i suppose (ive seen people say that fanon makes remus really “alpha” or makes sirius “bimbofied” and while ive seen hints of those extremes here and there, mostly it looks like it varies from person to person. ive just seen remus be more assertive than he probably is in canon, or sirius being more dramatic and “fem” than he probably is in canon). from what i know people like exaggerating events (the prank, etc.) or shifting some personality traits, but i dont really think thats a bad thing - i personally enjoy it. as long as they dont completely turn characters into stereotypes (though its a pitfall of every fandom, i fear), then whatever its just camp.

people are allowed to criticize stuff like that though, not taking that away from anyone, i personally just dont really care enough to be totally accurate esp since this hyperfix is kind of the bottom of the barrel for me LMAO. but i ask mostly bc im just curious to see what other peoples opinions are, and bc i think - especially in a fanbase like this - that its incredibly important to be at least a little critical with your media experience and reflect on it. saying “oh fuck canon we’re just having fun” is fine and all, i dont think anyone is stopping you, i think the personalities people have made up for characters that have zero screen time are super fun and the little ships are not everyones tea but like its fine. but even still, people should be way more aware of what characters theyre dealing with and from what franchise, and like reflect on any biases you may have. if youre making shit up for a random DE character, or retconning some sutff, okay, whatever, but be sure to not defend or like suddenly turn to really weird rhetoric. idk i think its the bare minimum in a fanbase like this

i definitely rambled way too much here, super sorry op! i hope this doesnt bother you, feel free to reply or feel free to not. i just really like hearing peoples thoughts on things, and i like your takes and your blog so i hope i didnt catch you by surprise. i really am just an outsider trying to look in LOL

hello anon, I'm sorry I lost your ask. I was writing on my laptop and saved the draft (but apparently had to press on alt, and didn't do it) so I basically lost your question and half of my initial response. Ty for sending in another ask!! Not a bother at all, i find this very lovely :D 

I was mortified to find that someone who isn't really a part of the fandom was perceiving me while I was complaining about fictional characters ahahaha. still, thank you for validating me and asking my thoughts on the mischaracterization of marauders!! I do talk about it daily, unfortunately, and without any prompt too. I'll try to gather all my thoughts here. I don't necessarily come across fanon as much as I did when I reentered the fandom and honestly, I can not be more with you about curating your space !! at the end of the day, I am just here to have fun, and really, pointing out these issues is not a good time at all! But I do post a lot about these, I can't be bothered to bottle up any thoughts lol.

I think the major issue I have with current interpretations is the underlying bigotry that comes along with it. There is a lot of unchecked problematic content that doesn't sit right with me.

Flanderizing characters in fandom interpretations is not limited to marauders fandom obviously. any popular media will face this because so many of us want to interact with one character so their traits are simplified for easier consumption and to find a common ground. this is also not limited to new marauders fandom. even in the older era, leather jacket-wearing, motorbike-driving quintessential bad boy siruis was a thing. so I won't nitpick on silly simplifications.

I just want to say that this isn't about me wanting everyone to have the same interpretations as I do about the canon. I follow so many lovely people and I don't agree with all of their posts. But, we all just simply share the love for these characters in the text and form an imaginary community. So, if we were to remove all the issues I will mention, it is still very well possible to have different personal takes.

Here are some of my issues:

Queerness, Gender roles, and misogyny:

My biggest problem is the representations of queer relationships. the fandom packages these couples in a strange and obvious heteronormative mold where the individuals fit into male and female gender roles. mlm and wlw are now an “f/m”* stereotype and characterization gets affected by the ships. Heterosexual relationships shouldn't have these limitations either, anyway. There is no one way to be a woman or a man. With queer relationships in particular, we have reclaimed the word queer now but it was used to describe the unconventional weirdness in the relationship. We didn't fit into the normal portrayal of a loving relationship. So, it really bothers me, even in fiction, that queer ships are popularly consumed in a way that represents a traditional template. (*this is not about gender itself but the gender roles! f/m can very well be queer!). 

Let's take the biggest victim in this fandom: sirius.

Sirius’ portrayal concerning his gender and sexuality has heavily changed his characterization in the fanon. We have a character who is popularly headcanonned as trans and is it a coincidence that all their traits have changed from the og material? Sirius is suddenly vain, whiny, and dumb. Canon doesn't suggest this interpretation, it has to have stemmed from somewhere. It's the implicit bias. Sirius becomes a caricature of what a woman “should be”. When we focus on sexuality, there is the suddenly short twink sirius who has the same new traits- proving the point of fulfilling gender roles. These characteristics are a stand-in for the “female” role of the traditional relationship and it becomes more clear in the example of new age wolfstar. Remus is now the big alpha stoic manly man- the obvious stand-in for the “male” role. I could go on, it is apparent in the way you can see remus becomes a caretaker and sirius is taken care of.

The point I am trying to make is not to discourage gender/sexuality hc. I love them, keep them coming. But, why is female sirius not tall suddenly? It is not inherently bad at all to have a feminine and masculine pairing! But why do we need to change the constitutions of these characters to consume their relationship?

I'll keep dropping disclaimers because I hate being misinterpreted: I don't obviously mean every single person is doing this or that doing one of the things means doing the other too. 

Race:

It is related to the point above. I was personally so excited to see the popular desi james hc. Even in fanon, I have never seen such a prevalent and encouraged brown rep, it was quite sweet to come back to that. But the problem is the change of characteristics that comes with race hc. Desi james is also a manly dude who is big and buff as opposed to the white petite and delicate regulus within jegulus ship. The melanin is directly proportional to the manliness here. 

This is a propagation of race stereotypes. Maybe jegulus was a bad example because usually there are seen as blank templates. I will raise the argument that this can't be all we can come up with for blank canvases then. Either way, my point about race still stands when you repeatedly design interracial queer relationships so they fall into heteronormative roles. Anyway, same issue with wolfstar when there is a brown remus.

Canon, JKR, and hypocrisy:

Refusing to engage with source material is funny when we are picking characters out of it. the interpretations of the characters will be from their book. otherwise, they are just original characters with the same name. you can add onto the traits and a lot of the time fandom comes to a consensus regarding a few things! This is common in every fandom but I don't think I have seen such reluctance to not only critically engage with media but also shame others who do. We are surely in special circumstances with this fandom but I really do think jkr and how we navigate the fanon should be two different things.

Most of us don't condone jkr or even remotely agree with any nonsense she spews on the daily. Most of us can see the problematic nature of even consuming this media and staying in this fandom. It is one of the reasons I even left the fandom. Most of us are simply doing our best to engage carefully while distancing ourselves from her. So, it is quite laughable when some love to take the moral high ground for rejecting canon while still engaging with the same characters. (the rejection of canon in question being sirius’ height, lol)

(Sirius' height is quite a polarising fact apparently. Unfortunately, the point about height is also discussed so disingenuously. When I talk about sirius’ height, it is not really about him being 6 or 7 feet. It will not really impact my life. It is about what it represents. He is bimbofied as he becomes short. It's an issue of "WHY" again.)

Of course, this isn't an accusation of intentional bigotry from everyone here. The problem with this fandom is that the people in it tell themselves that it is progressive and to run away from the problematic creator as much as possible. We are not progressive if all we do is co-opt queer and racially diverse identities on such a superficial level. The bias manifests in subtle forms. I just wish we check ourselves from time to time, that's all. 

There is a lot of hostility when we try to discuss issues in the fanon. Things are interpreted in the most misguided way to just win the argument. Like I said in the beginning, we all just want to have a good time. That also means creating a welcoming space for vulnerable groups (especially when the same identities are used to pat yourselves on the backs for inclusivity points). I didn't even cover everything btw, I just wrote about the issues that concern me. queer and poc also partake in biased representations, I also probably have some biases that I didn't identify yet. I just think it would be super neat if everyone tried to make an effort to unlearn and engage with media without hurting anyone. 

I have other issues but they are all just super subjective opinions and smth I can ignore when others do. ex: I really don't like giving tragic backstories to bigots in the story. Not every supremacist loser has a trauma that forced them into oppressing people! There is also "tropeyfication" of all major ships. Just an overall issue in the reading world I think, though.

Anon, I didn't mean to make it preachy in any way btw. You probably asked for a silly little rant and I went full lecture mode, so I apologize for the tone shift!! I mentioned these because every other issue can be brought down to these imo. Like you said, I also don't have any fixation on everything being canon-compliant. I only complain by asking about the thought process behind certain kinds of changes, if that makes sense! I hope this wasn't a drag really and you can see where I am coming from. If I misspoke anywhere, pls lmk. Thanks for sharing your opinions too!!

This is a long long rant, anyone who read everything, you are wonderful and patient. Thank you for taking the time. This huge post and the content can make you think, “who cares this much?” or “it's not that serious” and yaa it really isn't that serious. The characters aren't real but we all are. the identities projected are real. so, it does matter to talk about this.

Everything said this is a fun place to be once you find your own corner in the playground.

[kaddyssammlung]

Im the stc lore anon. Im very aware of the old interviews. In fact thats exactly part of why i get so frustrated with the fan interpretations of lore. Because its one of the things in my view that debunks the romance about sleep theories. Its just very frustrating feeling so strongly about my theory the fan lore is not canon while seemingly most of the fandom assumes the fan lore is absolutely 100 percent canon and just needs some more puzzle pieces to unluck the True Story. I used to believe the fanmade lore, but i no longer can do so especially when ive seen various bits of concerning behavior in the fandom where i think people take it wayyy too far. I think the only "canon" interpretation of the lyrics is the real person behind the masks life story, otherwise theres no "canon" and we are supposed to do whatever we want. But i think things have just gotten wayyy out of control with the its about a romance with sleep theory. What makes me actually hate it is how much people insist the people on stage are "characters" (i regularly see disclaimers saying "dont worry im just talking about the characters not the real people" when i really dont think they are "characters" in the way people think... this is not an anti fanfic/shipping/headcanon about real people stance btw i dont care about that as long as you dont go too far, i just dont like the insistence theyre "characters" because that feels so dehumanizing) and how rude people are if you dont agree with the fanlore (the vitriol aimed at alternate interpretations is really disgusting, especially the "why are sexualizing the lyrics, youre a bad person" crowds vitriol and insistence theyre the Good Fans while if you dont agree you deserve awful things). Otherwise, i just get *personally* annoyed with how often i come across the "its totally canon that its about sleep theories" when i dont want to *personally* hear those theories at all. I hope im making sense, and maybe im being an asshole in how im expressing my views idk. I just really feel like an outsider in this fandom and get so happy when i come across people who actually agree with me because it makes me feel less alone and like im not stupid or whatever. Just have fun, let the music mean something special to you, and remember the band (and their fans for that matter, going back to the vitriol thing) are human beings, thats what ultimately matters. I just think the lore as the fans see it has gotten into concerning territory. Wont leave any more anons about this for now because i dont want to drag this out more, i just saw your replies/post and wanted to respond in hopes what im trying to say will finally come out right (im not always the best with words, im very blunt, im very opinionated, etc)

Good Morning or Guten Morgen or Happy Timezone

I get your point and I don't think that you're an asshole.

I think you are struggling with something that many struggle and the fans that you call out also struggle with that: it's acceptance. Or accepting what is; in that case it's fan's who act a certain way or have different opinions or see things in a different way.

Acceptance is a mastery. It's something that is very hard to achieve.

Your situation reminds me of something that I could not accept for a long time in that fandom. So I'm going to talk about that.

This will probably be a long post so I'm hiding this and also mental health topics will come up.

I always had this assumption that everyone could see what I see when I look at Vessel. I'm talking concerts photos and “peeled Vessel” and the things that get revealed when the paint comes down. To me his scars are one of the few things that I can observe and so can everyone else, right?! There are so many even the ones from a certain attempt on both his right and his left forearm.

Well...right?! They are right in your face....

No! They are right in my face. I got into weird arguments about this topic. Which is a weird thing to argue about because this topic is a very painful one and also a strange one. There is a giant stigma around it. There are even “mental health professionals” on YouTube who refuse to talk about that topic and pretend that it does not exist because YouTube does not like these topics. It's a weird topic.

But it was exactly that what got me into the lyrics so much. I wanted to figure out the story behind what I could see.

All I found was myself and the parts of me that I denied that even existed. I stopped searching for the story and started to face myself instead.

I found a great new spiritual teacher because of that. She teaches acceptance and also sacred neutrality.

It's been almost a year now with her teachings and me finally accepting that not everyone can see what I see when I look at Vessel.

There will always be humans out there who call all of this an assumption. To them he did not self-harm and does not have scars from a certain attempt. To them that's an assumption while for me it's a fact.

Those fans are not worse then me and I'm not better then them. I can accept that they just have a different view on everything.

It's the same with lore interpretations or the way that some treat them in a (your words) dehumanizing way.

I can accept all that I just don't read it or interact with them. I let them have their view on things and I have my weird view on things.

I argued with fans that said things like: I don't even like their music or listen to their music but....

They are a thing, too btw.

When it comes to Sleep btw. To me it's an entity. They are very real btw. I learned how to deal with them, too. But I can totally understand that many humans out there just don't get topics like entities or idk...I mean I saw fairy-like beings right in front of me one day. 99% of humans would probably just say that I just made this up. I can understand that or rather I learned how to accept that.

When I first heard about Sleep I thought about that day and the fairies. I just thought...maybe that guy is a bit weird like me?!

We all had different experiences that shaped us. And also some fans really are just 14.

One of the reasons why I left the big Discord for example was because they allow all ages. I had an argument with a nine year old! That's when my alarm bells came online and I thought to myself: no...not okay! Some fans act a certain way because they are actual kids.

Like I said....I found a place within me to accept all that.

But it took a lot of facing myself to find that acceptance. And it's a process that is on-going.

Maybe this helps you...maybe not....maybe it clarifies something...maybe not.

I'm learning everything from her btw. It's energy work....energy work means you work with your soul, your higher self, higher dimensional beings....all theses things.

One thing that I forgot....accepting something and agreeing with it is not the same thing. I can totally disagree but still accept that something.

[pjofancalledbelle]

please, please, please~ Leo Valdez x Aphrodite reader

A/N: Guess who's back on the writing grind.... ME! Btw get ready for a yapfest just skip it.

Idk if anyone actually wants these cause my silly posts that take me two mintuets to read gets more interactions but whatever. I wanna try and make these look pretty but i dont know how so I'll have research cause it's killing me how ugly how ugly it is. Also I wanna say IM A MINOR I DO NOT WRITE SMUT! Thats just cause i got a smut request but i literally don't feel comfortable writing it or putting it online so sorry yall. Anyway here's your daily dose of Leo content cause he's bad boy supreme.

Warnings~ cringy and brainrot use, swearing

contents~ Leo's a loveable idiot that uses brainrot like his life depends on it.

word count~ 390

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~🤍~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Urm... what the sigma?" Is what your boyfriend said as you walked into bunker 9. You weren't sure what he meant when he said stuff like that but it was embarrassing. Ever since he'd figured out how to make phones that didn't alert monsters of your whereabouts he'd ranked his screen time up to 9 hours and kept saying odd terms.

"What does that meannnnn?" You ask quickly walking into the bunker before anyone could possibly see you, the prettiest and friendliest, child of Aphrodite hanging around bunker nine and in extension Leo. You weren't ashamed of him... no more worried about what would happen if he ended up calling it off. Piper was the only one who knew about this little thing going on because your other half siblings that someone would have to have bad taste and judgement to date him. However, all the sneaking around ended today when Leo expressed how it felt being kept like a secret.

"It means your the alpha skibdi rizzler of my heart." He said putting his little tinkering project down and wrapping his arms around your waist beaming at you with a twinkle in his brown eyes. Normal boyfriends would call their partner darling or baby but you didn't have normal you had Leo. Scrawny, mischievous Leo.

At first, you lean into his arms but then you notice all the oil on him and playfully shove him away as one of his dirty hands come up to cup your cheek. "Hey, watch the money maker, Valdez. If you ruin my outfit I will cry . And your weird terms still make zero sense." You say not being able to help the smile that came across your lips. Gods, he was cute covered in oil and when he was ruining it with his brainrot vocab.

Pouting, Leo moved back and grabbed a rag to clean himself off, he was so ready for today you were half expecting him to burst out singing 'for the first time in forever' like Anna in frozen. "Fine, fine. So... you ready to tell the world your dating the one and only Leo Valdez?" He asked in a cocky tone as he leaned on his workbench trying to hide the childlike excitement that you could tell was brewing under the service.

"mhm, just don't embarrass me mother fucker."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~🤍~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N~ Hope you liked this my requets are open and I'm working on getting the ones I got before I had a tiny mental breakdown. (I'm fine just geography.) So read them in and give me anything I could improve on. I think I'll write some to save for if I get like that again or go through writers block.

[szilverer]

so, after a timely realization post-hallowmas,

reisz has officially joined the great hellbound railway's board! 🥳

...although. they did not think they'd be put in a position of power when they decided to invest contributing money from the sidelines. what do you mean reisz is on equal grounds with all these important people.? was it really that much money???

liveblog rambling about latest developments under the cut lol

wait, but the last i've updated of them they were still slowly dipping their toes into seeking and peckish enough to eat an entire clown car's worth of people! well, to sum it up, every addict has a wake-up call moment and reisz' came after the unexpectedly disturbing nightmare that left a little gift on their skin. reisz was not pleased by this in the slightest, but it's not like they immediately recognized it for what it was. they wanted to believe it was just a particular dream phenomenon, yeah, surely they'd be able to sneak away from it in parabola as always.

(this was when i realized the surprise benefit that was marrying them to edward-- i can use him as a plot device LMFAO. aight eddie i bet ya dont wanna become a widow while that moonmilk is still lingering so your job now is infodumping your clueless spouse every now and then. hence: )

after a little kidnapping, a frenzied feast of rubbery lumps and a bit of denial, reisz gets so goddamn pissed at the prospect of forever staining all their shirts (and their ivory gowl!!!) with blood that they quit seeking outright.

SIGHS.

so. that was that.

alas, after stitching themself up, reisz took up on an old invitation to concord square where some ppl (for some reason??) wanted to handle them the Jack case. considering reisz had already freed london of a menace of a man, sure, let's do it again.

it was there that they came across an invitation to the railway venture. once again, barely reading the details, they went headfirst into it. scrip? ya want scrip? i can get scrip stat. no idk what scrip is but i got it by accident when i sold some lab reports. hahaha yes im joking of course! of course.

reisz sacrifices 3 of their headless skeleton friends to the bone market the very next day (these being their first skelly dealings in that market ever...) and heads to the board. there were faces both old and new.

HAL - acquaintances, hadnt seen him in a while but had good times drinking before. fun company. alright.

The Efficient Commissioner - never seen before. (me, player: HIIIII HELLO FINALLYYYYYYY)

the board has reisz recommend choose a third member (why.) they only heard of Jenny way back in the waswood, and the last time they saw Feducci they had hacked him to pieces after a shared gaze of profound understanding that reisz didnt wanna think about, so... Jovial Contrarian my lad. come on over! we always chat at parties anyway!

reisz was immediately forced to go excavating to pay a bribe. off to a great start there. then the deviless reisz duped months ago invited herself over to the board and they sincerely hoped she had forgotten all that stuff about the stones.

finally, the church meddles in, and they have to choose between... a bishop they never heard about and the dean of xenotheology. they chose the dean solely bc she reminded them of Dr. Vaughan. (no, the bishop that edward kidnapped was never an option. he's one of the handful of people that know about the whole marriage thing so no way.)

this entire thing had barely started and it had already begun to give them a headache. reisz goes to sleep tired as all hell and is woken up at an equally unholy hour:

(cue me screaming bc i FINALLY get to meet this absolute celebrity. furnace the woman that you are. shes SUCH an interesting character right off the bat.)

reisz is not even close to being a political person -- they've been a red player through and through -- so they didnt particularly like the idea of being the bridge between the board and the union. it was to their relief that this furnace person seemed quite level-headed and someone they could personally get along. some good news, at least? (i am also very 👀 at the possibility of reisz actually giving a damn about a political faction in the future. lets see!)

now all the bureaucracy was out of the way, and the GHR can finally start laying the actual track! surely the other members are gonna make the arrangements soon, right?

...right...?

[kiwisaurusrexx]

ahhh okay yeah i get that :( its. a lot. esp when its not been going well. i hope that a break might make it a bit less nerve racking for you! if you decide to try it again before you’re able to entirely on your own, see if you two can’t look for options together?

there’s no real way to help nerves other than things working out honestly. sometimes you can video call instead but i think thats dependent on whether or not they have that option available and its not always a fix obv

isnt therapy supposed to make you feel better

[baylardo]

THIS POST IS SO LONG LMAO

idk what all ive written and not written publicly pertaining to my ideas on these cringe naenae lil thangs outside of me n tardi dm’s bc im embarrassed and its still rough and vague hahaha im still exploring things but ive thought a lot about certain aspects and not others. toxic worldbuilding lmao.

i think the idea has become that philippa is a bit into her captaincy,,,, not fresh into it. her ex-captain sh’Eraz (moid) has been apprehended or killed (idk lol) and shes in command of the Legacy,,,

theres a few ideas im still sitting on like as its been discussed like, the two kids are barely a year apart in age. which means that like her and jj had a one night stand or something and she got knocked up from it but theyre still like not in a relationship,,,,,,, i hesitate bc i kinda like the idea of the alien adopted boy having a few years (or closer to 10 years lol) on their biological daughter so idk. and it all seems REALLY indulgent to keep it all that close. but also,,,,, 😳 im just struggling to keep it dissimilar to my stuff with kathryn and chakotay and this was like, a way that presented itself haha.

and i still don’t know when JJ would re-enlist in starfleet!!! nothing compelling comes to me 😩😩😩😩 *nothing that doesnt seem super simpy like when philippa becomes a captain for example and she conveniently needs a chief engineer. ive thought that like, maybe his mother who’s been abhorrently against starfleet since joe’s death eventually insists he go because he so obviously loves and wants to follow philippa or something and it reminds her of joe I DONT KNOOOOOOW. ive also thought that maybe he joins peppa’s ship she captains LATER, initially as a civilian and very much like philippa’s Side Piece who coparents kids and rejoins later??? idk haha. i dont really like that option either fhfjdkks

anywayyyyy current idea is she finds out shes whoopsy pregnant just before leaving earth to go on an away mission, doesnt say anything to anyone even jace just leaves lol,,,, Legacy comes across this planet-size spaceship inhabited by these batlike aliens, the ship is their planet that theyve made capable of traversing space and survives on orbiting stars for periods of time, ao theyre very used to darkness but also theyre like obsessed with light sources lol. its like super advanced solar powered technology. i figure the planet has either one or a few like, densely populated areas where theres these big beacons of light protruding out of the centers of the cities, and then vast parts of the planet that are completely covered in darkness. the aliens probably have some explanation surrounding it like lack of resources or something. refer to the valleys of darkness on the planet-ship as like "outskirts" or w/e.

philippas down there doing first contact things (insert weird atmosphere inside the giant planet-ship granting philippa a unique access to it in comparison to her peers), the bat aliens are nice and accommodating to starfleet,,,,, i figure they have some mysterious visual to them of like, bearing little carnivorous fangs, but being vegetarian. stuff of that nature. philippa's a little bit sus about it but says nothing past like, maybe asking why they dont eat meat and them answering that theyve evolved past the need to consume meat and it's something that they dont look fondly on from their ancestry.

while shes there idk in some sketchy alleyway or being given a tour of a science facility, maybe philippa has stepped away from a tour to do some snooping of her own, she's a little bit problematic and too suspicious for her own good.

a runaway/criminal/fleeing/dying bat lady gives her this weird either egg/pod (she may not know its an egg at first lol) and she gets frantically told some conspiracy type stuff about their civilization being built on graves or lies or something edgy and that she cant let them have this pod/egg, its their last hope of setting things right. the bat lady looks oddly different to the other bat aliens philippa has seen; dont know visually how to contrast it yet but shes more sickly, less clean and less light-colored, more gray and fitting for a nocturnal species who rarely sees light, ravaged, less prim and proper, probably larger and more apparent fangs, etc. but she either runs off or gets captured or killed.

philippa's left more than a little confused about things but i figure she has an intuitive sense of wrongness and hasn't been vibing something she couldnt quite put her finger on regarding these aliens for a while and that kinda confirms a hunch for her. ummm proceeding to them trying to take the egg/pod away from philippa and shes like "ummmm lol no" so she ends up getting chased and her fleeing the city she's in without backup, they cut off access to her ship and comms so shes like Super Alone fending for herself out in the pitch black. POTENTIALLY she has access to starlight, id imagine the big planet-ship is a closed off dome as it travels but it opens up slits or something along its circumference to take in light from surrounding stars. so she can see but shes not emitting a beacon/torch of her own as not to give herself away.

as shes out there and hiding and trying to figure out what to do, how to contact her ship, figure out what's actually going on here, etc., the egg/pod ends up hatching and being like a weird little alien moth baby that is dissimilar to the bat aliens currently residing on this planet. ((((((my initial CRINGE thought is that like, these eggs/pods respond to like, idk MATERNITY so its been dormant for potentially years, and philippas like, secretly pregnant and it bonds/imprints on her as its mother or w/e. if i dont end up going that indulgent route you can just say that it liked the cut of her gib or something lmao. soul-related,,, ummmm good heart,,,,, etc.))))))

i figure they spend a few days together hiding. i think she'd talk to it to keep herself sane lol. maybe kinda confide a few fears she has regarding motherhood, struggles with her mother lol,,,, talk about delivering her sister's baby maybe,,,, other things too like shes just talking to this baby lmao. was talking to jellybeans about the name Moss for him haha, i think itd be cute if she just literally names him after moss. very uncreative placeholder type name that sticks. anyway baby eventually starts crying, shes worried shes gonna get caught with it, she does lmao, but by some bat aliens living in the outskirts of the planet-ship. these bats are all more visually similar to the frantic one that'd given her the egg. they discover what she has (moth baby lol) and they take her to their hideout/camp where they explain their race's history and that of the lil alien she's now charged with reluctantly taking care of. which iiiis...

the planet-ship was originally that of the moth aliens, a long time ago they took in the bat aliens that were as in need of light for some reason as much as if not more than they were, they cohabitated for a bit but eventually the bats start like overpopulating or something. ITS STILL ROUGH IN MY HEAD. i figure the moth aliens are super smart, but have a moral code that the scrungly bat aliens dont end up vibing all too much. somehow somewhy the bats end up starting to use the moth's DNA/blood, (maybe via infusion?) blending it with their own through unnatural means, in order to like, artificially augment or evolve themselves, get smarter, thus why theyve physically changed so much in appearance is because theyre like, idk living off of their blood or something to maintain their states of mind.

they also tell her that the lil baby is the last of his kind and he'd likely be safer somewhere away from this place where they cant use him anymore. (maybe the eggs are effectively preserved/ageless and supply the bats with longer lasting access to blood idk) they dont know or understand how philippa got it to hatch (maybe she does know but shes not gonna tell them. shes still repressing/ignoring the elephant in the room (pregnant) lmao). but his existence is kinda a big deal bc it proves what theyre saying and the other bats would likely not want that info coming to light or preventing them from joining starfleet or w/e. maybe their planet-ship is becoming less and less sustainable and theyre like Girl Help Lol.

philippa asks the outskirt bats for their help in getting in contact with her ship and off of the planet and they do. im sure its bumpy haha but i havent thought about this part much it just eventually happens and she makes it back to her ship, she confides in her CMO that she's pregnant (maybe) and he knows her well enough to be like "i know," bc she like, didnt get her medical examination out of the way right at the start of their departure or something and kept putting it off so ppl wouldnt know lol. ANYWAY, lil baby is given special treatment to start adapting his lungs to a new atmosphere which is long and arduous and philippa stays by his side through a lot of it. its not like she cares or is worried or anything!!!!!!!!!!!!

eventually gets back to earth, still hasnt really told anyone her news or the fact that shes kinda adoptively taking care of this baby now. i think we'd talk about her showing up to tell Jace and her initially perceiving philippa with a baby and being like 'omg' and then reading peppa's very loud thoughts and being like 'OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' haha. EVEN MORE VAGUE IDEAS WITH JJ LOLLLLLLL, has to do with my big question mark surrounding his starfleet career and everything, but theyre both like "omg we arent even dating lol hi" about it.

*falls asleep*

[pumpkinsy0]

i hope you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? idk if i’m too old to be interacting with you and your posts since some people get weird about that type of thing😭

im a 35 year old woman!!!! /j

no but rlly, i dont feel comfy saying my age exactly, just a thing of mines, but pls know i am a teen like almost everyone else in this fandom☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽

as for u interacting w my blog, tbh idgaf who interacts w my blog as long as they arent disrespectful in some way or proshippers, my blog is for anyone and everyone who comes across it, its a somewhat free country🙏🏽🙏🏽

[asmoshoebox]

you know i love those dash simulator posts but it would be silly to make one for bvm haha

0 notes

🤖 hellzbelz reblogged blasphem-baby-one-more-time

💿 gerard-streets-thighs Follow

cashier at hot topic yesterday said he liked my shoelaces but he seemed really genuine and i was wearing my boots with the gay laces so i just fistbumped him and walked away. do i deserve to be drawn and quartered over this minor social faux pas yes or no

#prev LMFAO #keep doing it

423 notes

🌈 becks-lox-rebagels

the only thing worse than applying for jobs is interviewing for jobs what the fuck was that phone call ??????? i swear the guy (?) sounded like they were literally dying. prolly just a smoker though 💀 i hope this gig works out man i dont feel great about it

#the good news is my bubbe is coming to see us next week :) #becks personal log

1 note

🤖 hellzbelz reblogged

🚬 maiale-e-fagioli

WHY THE FUCK IS GAS SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE IM GOING TO EXPLODE EVERYONE ON THIS DAMN PLANET

🚬 maiale-e-fagioli

they don't know this post is about the hearse running out of gas on the turnpike last week. with. you know. things. inside of it

#wtf misnis

327 notes

🎸 blasphem-baby-one-more-time reblogged

🤖 hellzbelz

dude qhat if there was a way to make like. so so you knwo how money s madeup right .well wht if it was worse

🤖 hellzbelz

like if isnteadof it being materials we assign arbitrsry value ot based on manufactres scarcity wht if it was digital adn the value was based onlike uniqhe digital signaturess and algorthims qnd all the value came fromn specualotye invensitmetn instea d of anything REMTOELY real lmfaooooooo

doctorsexy-deactivated20210504

🌐 worldheritageposts Follow

Date of Origin: March 3, 2009

#who keeps bringing this back lmao cryptocurrency is already dead

93,672 notes

🕸 inthefogofmyowndarkinnermind reblogged

👻 beetlejuicebeetlejuicebeejeezus Follow

girl help there's a cosplayer on the bus rn in FULL monster mode it's SO FUCKING COOL and also HOT

👻 beetlejuicebeetlejuicebeejeezus

they did like an eldritch double face thing and the makeup is impeccable, it looks so real that i just. i just wanna lick it. "i saw you from across the bus and think you're super intimidating, can i bite you?" but genuinely !!!!!!!!! also they're like suuuper gnc which makes it one morbillion times sexier. god. definitely drawing them when i get home

#woagh that sounds rad as hell. and soooo valid op #like. i just want to eat a demon out and die with its talons inside me #and frankly i dont think thats too much to ask

315 notes

🔥 vintagefaggotry reblogged starry-cocked-adonis

wetnwilde-secondedition

"oh, i don't think you're ready yet," he says, pressing a broad, calloused finger against your dripping cunt. "i wouldn't want to hurt you, after all.....

Keep reading

🍷 starry-cocked-adonis Follow

new blog same fat wet manhole! they will never kill me in a way that matters!

#asmo originals archive #i miss my old url smh

667 notes

💀 damiens-demon-lair reblogged

🕸 inthefogofmyowndarkinnermind

rly loved the dusk over campus tonight 🦇

#omg slay #gothcore #goth #aesthetic #alt aesthetic

25 notes

🤖 hellzbelz reblogged

🎸 blasphem-baby-one-more-time

bee butts. you agree. reblog.

1,634 notes

🔥 vintagefaggotry reblogged

🚬 maiale-e-fagioli

#bestie why are you polling tumbler about this #personally id keep it #makes a great tactile stim

2 notes

💀 damiens-demon-lair

might change my name again. i like damien but it just doesnt feel like me anymore idk idk

#i dont understanddd it just feels Wrong #sometimes i feel like theres really smth wrong with me man #and not in the goth way #like im goth i know that but being a goth guy is just. blegh #goth girls just have so many more options for looks it's not fair

1 note

🎸 blasphem-baby-one-more-time reblogged

😈 mallratgothbandofficial Follow

We're coming.....and we hope you will too...

This Saturday at the Moonbeef Cafe in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania

#BE THERE OR BE SQUARE

[dreamsmearcampaign]

idk enough about this situation to know whether this is actually a smear campaign or not (i dont watch dream, tommy or tubbo), but didn’t this whole thing start because dream called tommyinnit fans the r slur? idk if its a smear campaign if its based off of documented things that he very clearly did, like every point ive seen against him always has very clear evidence alongside it. like i said idk everything about this tho so i could be missing something obvious, but with how often these happen, and how frequently, its hard to look at them and call them mistakes really, cause he shouldve learnt by now. im sorry if this comes across as rude or anything, im just genuinely curious about how people can still defend dream after everything ive seen, again i really have to stress not in a rude way, i just think its interesting

According to TommyInnit, Tubbo, and Dream, this situation has been brewing since at least 2023, when TommyInnit posted a video making fun of the QSMP/USMP situation. The drama reached a tipping point when Dream called Tommy fans the r-slur after months of pedophile jokes from Tommy.

We, the mods, also hope TommyInnit and Tubbo aren't intentionally trying to harm Dream because we believe they are good people with good intentions. Any individual can fall for smear campaigns, that is why we made this post to try and educate as many people as possible.

As for defending Dream, the majority of the mods have both seen the controversies first hand and have watched him grow, just as TommyInnit fans watched him go from a immature teenager to the man he is today. We watched someone who had misguided views on gender, race, sexuality, and more learn to be kind. And, we have watched valiant attempts to destroy a person undeserving of the hate he receives.

Your comment was not rude at all, and we appreciate your message.

-Mod A

[desire-mona]

yooo hello fellow allison cameron is a lesbian enthusiast!

i was wondering if you would like to be mutuals?

i need more house obsessed mutuals that i can yap to! and you seem v cool too:)

ALSO YOURE INTO SHIFTING LETS GOO‼️‼️

(hope that this doesn’t come across as weird)

YES HIIIIIIII!!!!!!! im using this opportunity to talk abt comphet!cam bc shes soooooo on the mind, i thiiiiink i stole this point from @blue-boulder in case u want another lesbian cam mutual

camerons comphet was so on display basically the entire time she was on the show to the point where its comical. first of all her "relationship" with chase (or lackthereof) being PURELY sexual and based off the fact that she was just bored and saw him as suitable enough. r u kidding me. also the only other time where she had sex with a man (still chase, womp womp #chasehater) being when shes high. exploding at that. and also side eyeing chase soooooo fucking hard, that man has zero understanding of how consent works.

i think cameron and wilson have a lot in common in terms of their reasoning for why they get with/ are drawn to the people they are. and thats also a big part of wilson comphet too, bc they both rly like feeling needed. now ofc cam goes abt it in a much better way bc she doesnt cheat on anyone, but you can tell with her marriage, while not lacking love, was most certainly based off of her desire to be someones lifeline per se. her brief sorta fling with that charity guy in that one episode is another example of this as well, but i do think another factor was her admiration for his morals and character. and again with house, which i will always laugh at because if that isnt the biggest case of "i can fix him" in the entire world then idk what is. wilson however just kinda gets with women who need him (or who he perceives as needing him) and then gets bored when they. dont. speaking very surface level bc this post isnt abt him. either way, wilson could learn a thing or two from cam in the comphet department i suppose. i really really wish we got more of cameron, if she stayed thru the whole series i think a whole lot of my life problems would be alleviated at the very least. i wanna see her get a girl crush!!

also, she absolutely 100% dresses like a queer woman, even for the early 2000s, like look at this

because wdym waistcoat and white button down with puffy sleeves.

n e way not a super in depth analysis cuz im kinda spitballing and not in a place of house md analysing but its good enough. hello new mutual!!!

[tadpolesonalgae]

helloooo, i hope this isnt weird at all.

u really inspired me to start writing one of the wips ive had cooking in my head for 10,000 years with CBMTHY (i love your interpretations of all the characters across everything youve written, even dark! versions of everyone).

but how do you get the thoughts in your head onto the page :( its a little demotivating to not be as good of a writer as I'd like. so im terrified constantly that the story isn't coming off correctly. it certainly doesn't help that I've been stewing on this fanfic concept since i initially read acotar and tog, (crossover shit woo!) but the scenes are so vivid in my imagination that everything i can actually type out seems to fall flat or seems jumbled with the amount i try to include.

like, i posted a part last night after having it ready to go for months (there are several more im hiding 😭) and have reread it 3 times and have to remind myself its fine and i dont need to delete it. but idk if im just being crazy tbh. Im also very much the same type of person who needs feedback in order to continue with creative projects. however the idea of even asking about it here is intimidating, especially after your stories helped push this lil amateur to write. But any help would be so greatly appreciated, especially becsuse theres no one ik personally who enjoys the series who would be willing to chat about it 😅

again, i hope its not weird that im not sending anything in directly related to ur work and asking for advice 😅😅 but i hope you have a good rest of ur day/ night !!

haha, don't worry about it! I'm not sure I'm the best person to offer advice on this since I'm just kind of writing what I want to write though, but I'll try and help.

What you mentioned about struggling to get thoughts down on the page - I think an element of it is probably feeling comfortable enough to put them down there in the first place? That and also having the words to know what you mean? Read around, listen to music, chat with people if you can and see if you can find stuff you resonate with and then pay attention to what it is and try to figure out why. And it can take a while to find the right words, so let yourself breathe.

Suddenly jumping into a project you've been hyping up in your mind won't come out pristine immediately, it might be a case of writing paragraphs once, then writing them out again beneath that but trying to improve on what you've already written with a thesaurus in hand. It might also be a case of listening to music that simulates the emotions you want to write out and then trying to articulate them in the moment. Also writing without thinking can help. Or writing exactly how you're thinking, I guess? It doesn't always work though, so I'd sincerely suggest trying to write some smaller things to start with or have on the side to help practice.

In terms of trying to find people to give feedback, I think interacting with other writers can help. I'm not the best person for this since I like being away from my computer/phone as much as possible, but chatting to writers off anon, or if your writing blog isn't your main one then switching to your writing blog to leave a comment or reblog and leaving notes in the tags is a really great way to show other people you're interested in acotar/tog and writing. If the idea of coming off anon to interact with writers is (like I find it) absolutely terrifying, you can always keep anon on but sign off using a specific pseudonym or emoji that will be recognisable! That way you can get used to chatting without entirely compromising your anonymity and hopefully become comfortable. Asking other people what they do to help them get their thoughts down too can help since you'll be more likely to find someone similar.

I'd also recommend that if your story is long to try planning it out roughly as chapters or bulletpoints so you don't have to store it all in your brain. Have playlists on hand or boards on Pinterest to look over.

I think it's great that you've posted a chapter though - if you have a project you want to do well it's so easy to get caught up in wanting it to be a good as possible that you never actually get around to posting it, so I think what you've done is a great start. If you're unhappy with it after a few months or so you can always edit, nothing's written in stone.

And if you want to write in again please feel free to! I promise it doesn't have to be about my writing and I would think other writers would feel the same. If you want to turn off anon that's fine, and if you want to use an emoji as a sign off that's cool too, you can work your way up to chatting more openly about the stuff you enjoy :)

Also, if anyone else thinks they have some good tips for writing, getting thoughts down, keeping up interest/motivation with a project please add them!

And anon if you want to send in a link to the first part of your story feel free to, or if you want to chat with me directly I'd be interested to have a peek at what you're writing? I love acotar but tog still has a special place in my heart so I'd love to read more content around it too. I know how scary it can be sharing stuff you've worked hard on :)

[sand-lily]

I JUST GOT MY CoE!!!

(like just now now)

they still didn't tell me when my training date is, where my hotel is, when i can check in to the hotel, or APPARENTLY how long I'll be staying

(my contract says 1 year, but the CoE says 3years,, so idk what to put on the application , if they dont answer by Friday I'll just put 3years, then i wont get in trouble if i do renew the contract but it wont be an issue if i only stay 1 year)

im NOT buying another hotel if i can help it, SO i do wanna know when i can check into the training hotel so i can buy my plane ticket for that day and put that as the arrival date on the application, according to maps and reddit the shinkansen is only a few hours to the city i need to be in from the airport, so im taking that instead of doing a layover in japan,,

so i need to know WHEN i can check in so i can do the math to know WHAT flight to take, and since im technically losing a day across time zones, thats going to be hard for me since normal time math is ALREADY hard for me

i already have the passport photos, i already have the envelopes, i already made the shipping labels (just gotta print them), i already signed the disclaimer (gotta print), I already filled out the application minus those 2 things im not sure about (and gotta print),,

so my plan is to go to the library and print all the stuff at once, and sign it at the library, then go from there to the post office to drop it off, and then from there back home (shit has to be planned when you don't have a car and public transit only comes once every 2hrs)

the CoE is valid for 3 months from tonight, so im HOPING they want me there the last week of june or mid july so i can pack up my apartment, call my bank, get an esim card for my phone company (this is the only phone number I had my WHOLE LIFE and I don't wanna lose it so i MIGHT pay for international data to keep it), take care of my pets, break my lease unfortunately, get a transit card (apparently you can buy them online BEFORE going to Japan and have it shipped to you),

and quit my new job i JUST started last week unfortunately,, ive only done training so i dont even think i can put it on my resume, HOWEVER, i did pass CPR + baby CPR so i can put that on my resume if they have the certificate on file (idk if they filed it yet)...but if i have another month, I'll be able to have childcare IN A SCHOOL experience (asst teaching)

ig i WONT be able to save up to pay off my credit card, or get my hair braided, and i WONT be able to afford business class like i wanted,, i just hope i get a window seat, i WILL NOT sit in the middle if i can avoid it, i also dont want an isle seat just in case i sit next to somebody who doesn't speak English and they feel nervous about asking me to move so they can use the toilet... i really dont wanna talk to ppl like that

i also also need to look for headphones with a type c connector, because i heard those exist,, my Bluetooth headphones dont work very well on airplanes and i MISS wired headphones severely (i WILL NOT take them out of the box until im at the airport tho, i WILL NOT risk losing them before the flight, as i tend to do)

i also also also need to go through my music library and delete the songs i always skip and add in the new ones ive been playing on repeat via YouTube, im NOT paying for plane wifi , i also x3 need to figure out how to download Libby books like PDFs since i cant use libby outside of America and i want to keep reading books on the flight

ig im un-makeovering my apt tomorrow, time to put doors back on hinges and remove contact paper and fill in nail holes and everything,, it took me like 3days to do everything up and i did it with a butter knife instead of a screwdriver, so it should take less time to undo it with my new electric screwdriver ,, i think my sister is going to try and steal my bedframe, shes already laid dibs on the couch

they BETTER NOT charge me ANY fees considering i paid a TRIPLE deposit to move in here without a cosigner and thats the whole point of a deposit

anyways i got a lot to do tomorrow, so i gotta go to bed at a REASONABLE HOUR, NOT 2AM

and if anybody wants to help me pay off my $1400 credit card bill (ive been using it to pay rent and buy groceries since nobody wants to hire me, unemployment is only enough to pay the minimum + my phone bill so i dont get late fees)

here are my PayPal and cashapp,, im not good at art AT ALL, but if yall want commissions for something so that i can earn the money (i can only do traditional art), I'll do that too,, or i can proofread something? creative writing is actually my forte believe it or not

anyways

cashapp: https://cash.app/$firellily

(the pfp is a pic of my cat)

[nonbinaryaubrey]

can you share some stuff about phantump Sunny..

OKOK i will . try. ITS VERY JUST LIKE. whats the term.. idk. kinda convoluted tho since its a side au of a different au (and theyre both WIP aus tooooo wauuugh)

putting this under the cut bc . erm. gets embarrassed talking about my own au. it feels a bit out there for an omori au concept so immmm. ueueu. scareds

but uhmm. I thiiink ive talked about my Zoroark Omori AU yeah? Branch AU of my PLA AU where Sunny (called omori in that au) ends up dying in hisui and becomes a zoroark, and after uh.. how ever many years the difference is between hisui and modern times is. ends up finding himself back in faraway town, and uhh. with how hisuian zoroarks kind of. are. and some other stuff i dont wanna make this post too long, he is not happy when he comes across his old friends and his past self again.

thiiis is where things kiiinda differ ?? bc like. ok. so the circumstances in the Zoromori au r kind of changed so it functions kinda like a time loop (Sunny gets eebied to hisui - dies - spends the next 100-200 years or so alone, becoming a BIT of a bitch. old man. - finds himself back in faraway town, during the time his friends were there - kiinda. probablly not completely intentionally, causes Sunny to get eebied to hisui. cycle repeats) so like. me and my friend were discussing ways to have this cycle break. we came up with a couple but one of the ways was having Sunny get. fucking killed thanks to Omori (again. probably not intentionally.?) leaading too ^_^ Phantump Sunny!! Omori kind of dumps his body off in the woods hoping no one will find it and either runs off or takes his place (it. it makes sense i promise he has reasons i just have trouble wording them) . idk ^_^

I think Basil probably ends up eventually finding him, but probably wouldnt recognize the phantump as Sunny, especially if like. Omori just started disguising himself as Sunny. Basil would have no reason to believe hes dead obv. He just has this weird little tree following him around all the time now its his new friend :) (unaware of the horrors)

SORRYSORRY this is a . poor explanation and, again, a bit of an out there au for omori.. its just kinda smth for me and my friend to mess around with .. i hoped u liked reading about it tho!! ik im coming across as very nervous but !! i am glad u asked about it :]

[giftedeath]

ok been putting this off for some time now but it needs to be said. some divergences under the cut

big thing is bangel, i don't really believe that she ever gave him 'hope' in season 7, cookie dough analogy aside, that they'd ever be anything other than what they had been for the last 4 years which was basically just exes who talked about saving the world sometimes. i think that they're just really so much cuter and so much funnier as friends and exes and two people who know that they fundamentally do not belong together, and that's ok. angel was so important to her, changed her, their relationship effected her years down the line ( riley too ) but he's the boyfriend she was in love with when she was a child. and i think apart of buffy growing and learning, is that she's never really going to be able to love him the same way she once did because she's not that girl anymore. and that's ok !! idk what the comics do with them, idrc, i just do know that their breakup/and the staying broken up is really essential to the way i write buffy. also think my beloved cordelia was much better suited for angel than buffy ever was. david fury said something about angel needing a "big smile" and he was right.

ok now the thing i've kinda been dreading lol spikey ... lets talk about spuffy yeah!! so... given all that we know, these 20+ years later, i think im just going to get to the point which is i don't acknowledge the writers' decision to make him an attempted rapist, don't care for it, i pretend like that scene in seeing red never happened. and there's layers to why, but basically, i just think it was unnecessary. the writers' way of punishing not only the audience for making a "soulless" vampire the fan favorite/forcing wh*don to keep him around, but also punishing buffy herself for having sex with him and enjoying it !! there's a lot of implications in that scene, i could go on forever but it was very cheap of them to do it, and basically in my head, spike doesn't need this scene to prompt him into getting the soul back because season six had already been a really good set up for that ie. when warren kills katrina / frames buffy and spike attempts to help her by getting rid of the body etc. it's the "why can't you understand why this is killing me?" and "i dont know why don't you try explaining it" im paraphrasing but that right there is enough for me and most of the audience to understand exactly why he would have gone to get his soul for her. also the "i know im not a man but u make me feel like one." but also just spike's general im not a man im not a demon then what am i ? arc !!! like its right there. i dont need to see my favorite character almost get sa'd by my other favorite character for that point to get across. it was definitely a condescending moment from the writers' room, we see it time and time again. ( most recently we saw it with aegon ii in house of the dragon ) "how do we make a character so evil how do we make the audience hate him ? ah yes rapist !" and im just not going to play into that <3 ( but there is also the subtext and very meaningful metaphor of spike being buffy's shadow self in s5/s6, he is empty w/out the soul - she is empty after being brought back/coming back wrong. he regains his soul in s7, and she is able to heal & love herself etc. etc. )

that's how i feel about that but also !!! i am a lesbian and this relationship has always spoken to me in a very queer way this post explains it so well. i rly suggest everyone read bc thats like . my mind