#idk if its trauma stunting my ability to remember

[murderenjoyer]

It's really frustrating when people get on my ass for forgetting things. As if I'm actively choosing to eject the information out of my brain. As if, after a conversation, I sit back and nefariously smile and rub my fly hands together and say "heheh, and now I'm going to wipe everything they told me from my mind. Because I don't care about them or their story. Because I don't value them as a friend or a person. Heheh."

I don't forget things because I want to! I don't only forget what you specifically tell me! I forget everything dude my brain is like a sieve and information runs through it like water.

I don't remember the majority of my childhood. Some of it is better off forgotten sure but do you think I'm happy I have essentially no memories of my dad? That I can't remember anything at all about my uncles? My cousins? My aunt? My grandma? They're dead now, I'll never speak to them again, all I had of them were memories. And I dont even have those. What about childhood best friends? Teachers that I enjoyed? Experiences that were important? They're all gone. Lost to the void.

It's happened to me over and over where I'll be somewhere and someone will approach me like "woah Tama hey!! I haven't seen you in so long how have you been?" And I'll have to smile and act excited and reply "heyyy! How are you! long time no see haha!"

And I have no idea who they are. I'll manage to parse via conversation that we apparently used to be close friends. We apparently went to school together and hung out every day. We apparently used to be online pals and we dm'd back and forth all the time. They're literally a part of my family and we used to hang out, we used to chat, we used to live in the same god damn house. And I have no memory of them. Not even a vague shadow of a memory.

It's less of an issue currently because I don't work or handle really anything outside of childcare and house upkeep but it can be downright debilitating.

When I was being questioned about my SA case when I was a teen, I literally could not answer so many of their inquiries. Does he have any distinguishing marks like moles or scars? I don't know. When did the abuse start? I don't know. What are the things he'd say to you? I don't know! I don't know I don't know I literally cannot remember no matter how hard I concentrate! I think back and there's just nothing but blackness, nothing but a void. People assumed that meant I was making it up. People assumed that meant I was lying. Doctors scoffed at me. Police rolled their eyes and talked down to me like I was stupid.

When I'm applying for jobs I can't answer the "list your previous jobs" question. What was my first job? How old was I when I started working? Where was I employed the longest? What was my most recent job? Why did I leave? I don't know!!! I'll think "it was definitely Walmart for sure, stayed for one year, quit six months ago. I started in summer." I'll double-check with my husband. I'll find out I haven't worked there in over five years. That my employment lasted four months. I started in winter.

When I'm trying to sign up for disability benefits, I can't answer the questions. What medications have I taken? I don't know. How many times have I been hospitalized and where? I can't remember. How long have I been moving through the mental health field in general? Who fucking knows man. Who knows. And I'll need to remember to call them on X day at X time to continue with the application process. Might as well just turn me down right here right now because I am surely not going to remember to do it.

"Set a reminder in your calendar set an alarm." Bold of you to assume I'm going to remember to do that and not instantly wipe my mind clean the moment I hang up the call.

When I was in legal trouble the last couple times, I couldn't answer the judges questions. I couldn't describe the timeline. Because I didn't know. I didn't remember.

I don't know my kid's birthdays. My own children, aged 12 and 5. I've had 12 years, 5 years, to memorize this information. When prompted for their DOB I nudge my husband because he knows.

I miss therapy appointments over and over and over. I do have a reminder in my calendar I do have an alarm on my phone! Therapy is every Monday at 1pm like clockwork! But when Monday rolls around and the clock strikes 1, it's the furthest thing from my mind. I don't think to check my calendar just in case because I don't remember that there's a reason to do such a thing in the first place.

I'll think of something and navigate to the google bar and click it and the keypad comes up and I don't know what I was going to search. I don't know why I opened the search tab at all. What was it? What was it? Was it important? I'll go back to my open apps and scroll around hoping to jog my memory. Sometimes it works. Usually it doesn't. Guess I'll never know.

Massive chunks of my experiences and relationships and important shit are just gone. They're gone, deleted out of my mind in an instant, so suddenly and thoroughly that I don't even know I forgot something in the first place. It may as well have never happened at all.

It is a mental problem it is a disability it is not a choice. I keep telling people that when they're mad I forgot some piece of trivia about them, when they're annoyed I flaked on the 3rd scheduled hangout in a row, when they're frustrated I dropped the ball on something that is extremely important. I tell them "I don't know why, I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but my memory is broken. I don't choose what information I do and don't retain. I'm trying I'm really trying but I'm not in control of the situation" and still they talk down to me like I'm an idiot and berate me like I'm being intentionally dismissive and snarl and snap that I fucked something up that I forgot something really really important that they said to me.

Its frustrating living like this. I'm basically floating in a haze with blinders on. I can't see the past. All those happy memories I made with friends and family vanish. All I have left is bits and pieces, little slivers of memories, vague ideas that something happened before.

Do you know how hard it is to live like that? Do you know how sad it is? Not being able to remember anything from your own kids' lives until you open your HD and browse old pictures and videos? Forgetting entire people you were close with? Never being sure of anything ever?

So much of how a person understands and interprets their life, themselves, their loved ones, is based on memories. And I don't have that. I feel like a shard of a person because all the pieces that went into forming me as I am have been lost to time.

It's not a choice, okay? It's not a fucking choice.

[finsterhund]

Thank goodness for Sly. Love my Special Sly.

Idk just this guy is such a huge comfort to me right now. I want to feel bad about hugging a stuffed animal goodnight every time I go to bed who had a 1998 retail price of 300 USD but he's just such an incredible toy.

I know he was made to be loved. That's important.

Still world building for a story inspired by him. I kinda want to come up with a new name for him for the story so I'm not just stealing the character made for the toy. But idk. Sly is just a perfect name for a conniving vicious-servant-esque slithering under the bed monster.

For my story I'm making enough design changes I think to be its own thing also. But man is his design super comfy to me.

I wish I could see a giant version of him. I've already been thinking a lot about making my own quilts. Quilted under bed monster. 🥹 Like the only thing that'd make him a better cuddler was that he was bigger. We're talking Lifesize/sleepingbag sized. Lol imagine one so big you can actually fit inside his pajamas bag tummy.

Idk so positives are Sly. I love my Special Sly. Still been unable to write or draw but with the world based on him world building documents come easily.

I wish I could do art fight. I want to get art I want to draw for friends. But grief and pain is just too much. I'm getting familial trauma and childhood pain dragged up a lot in my brain. I guess that's to be expected when I'm struggling with similar pains. I just wish I could have a relationship with my grandparents without all the baggage. Part of me fears what if they weren't good people like I remember. Because I was so small. Because there's people still around who aren't good people. But I know they were good. I can feel it. Idk. I wish I could start again have a new life be born to new parents and have a childhood that wasn't torn asunder by grief and abuse and trauma, you know? Imagine how I'd grown up if so. I'd actually have grown up for one thing. Not stuck in trauma child limbo.

Idk. Just hugging my Special Sly. Thank you Fishy for helping me get my hands on him.

Apologies as part of this Tumblr ate my gotdang post so I tried to the best of my ability to replace what was lost but it's not going to feel as complete as it should be.

I have been thinking about how wanting to create comes easily with Sly because my world for him to inhabit is simple and childish and a sort of dreamland esque thing. My magnum opus I've been working on since I was little is a gargantuan undertaking tied to my childhood and trauma and it's just so daunting to touch it. And I both want to change it and don't want to change it. It's literally grown up with me and it's become so much an untouchable thing. But with Sly I can go "hehe ho childlore HoDcore under the bed monster dimension go brrrrrrrrr"

My main fictional universe is very much if you didn't already know the result of the mythology esque "constellation creatures high fantasy" world of my earlier years mashed together with the "sci-fi post apocalyptic mutant and/or bionic dogs on what is almost certainly some form of Earth" world of my elementary school years that over the course of time I've been functionally merging the two at times conflicting concepts. And it very much is something I feel I still struggle with the balance of. Sometimes I feel it's way more obvious than others.

I've just put so much into this world that if I go in to change literally anything there's a domino/ripple/butterfly effect that happens where I've gotta extensively go and ensure there's consistency and that "nothing breaks" the established worldbuilding and planned plotlines and such in doing so. Which is pretty fucking exhausting.

But I mean that's what happens when there's over a decade of a child retreating into this fantasy world. A lot of time has passed, a lot of areas for growth and change. In real life I am stunted and didn't grow, but my world sure as hell did. Tired (and weak)

Idk if I'll ever be able to even publish book 1 (pretty much done in draft form except for when I feel compelled to overhaul shit) or book 2 (predominantly done but less than 1 and I have the same problem where I keep wanting to add and change) and I don't want to end up being a George Lucas about it and then not commit to it once I do publish and insist on changing and republishing ad nauseam forever. I'm gonna die before my life's work ever amounts to anything 😔

If you reduce it to the bare bones what has been set in stone is essentially Heart of Darkness but the boy and his dog are natives of the alien planet in question and it's at the point in history where the dark force is attempting to achieve purchase within the world rather than it already having largely taken over and deposed any and all opposition. But of course I have an unkillable Tolkien approach to the whole thing and I just have to have that encyclopedic brand of autism where I have to ensure consistency with everything from the way the world is designed to the way the damn physics works in relation to how physics works in the real universe. I was talking about this to some friends on discord and I joked about how this neuroses of mine could outcompete the entirety of Wookiepedia. Which is not exactly a healthy thing considering that Star Wars EU was the product of many people and Wookiepedia itself is the product of many people. And I'm just one immensely fucked up little boy with a special brain.

Creators, I want you to take your biggest longest worked on specialest project and I want you to seriously narrow down just how big of a world you've made for it. Is it a town? Is it a kingdom? Is it a continent? Is it a planet? Is it a galaxy? Or are you like fucking me and you've got in some capacity at least four goddamn star systems and while you do only largely focus on the one planet you feel compulsively the need to develop it as much as fucking possible and also to worldbuild stuff that you may never even get to in a similar degree with every other fucking planet? Bruh I've got a whole fucking potential universe to work with and my brain absolutely won't let me forget it even though a human brain really isn't equipped to process an entire universe. And I post none of this online because I've had people steal my shit literally since the third grade (Fuck you Jarod) and also where the fuck do I start with the posting? And once I post things god forbid I retcon it because not only do I need to alter things internally but publicly now too.

Yes, the only things I ever share at a bare minimum must be stuff I know isn't going to fucking change six thousand times over the course of the month. The only things I let other people see are the stuff where changing it would be sacrilege. Like Red Spot is always going to be a red eyed doberman with cropped ears and a docked tail and wings and a star collar. Orion is always going to be a little blue-tinted albino emperor penguin boy. And for 99% of people who know anything about my shit that's pretty much all they know, all they're ever going to know, and all I'm ever going to tell them. Because that at this point would never change. (If you knew me in school you may be aware that Red Spot has flip-flopped to some extent in turbulent mistake-ridden points of my life but shut up no he didn't. Forget that. What do you mean he had red-toned constellation coloration at one point rather than the black and rust typical doberman coloration??? Shut the fuck up I am gaslighting you. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.) (Also an aside but the whole finsterhund lichthund wing morphology thing only initially was a thing I decided needed to exist because of how the type of wings Red Spot had was inconsistent. I built an entire fuckton of shit that has significant thematic impact and worldbuilding lore and societal connotations and etc. etc. because little baby Andy couldn't decide between dragon or eagle wings. Just to give a small example of why this monster has taken years and years and years and it is STILL FUCKING IN DEVELOPMENT HELL CHRIST MAN WTF SOMEBODY HELP ME)

So I've burned out almost completely with my beloved world. It sucks. I don't even know how to proceed from here. An obvious answer is just to strip away everything save for the bare minimum and start over. But I don't want to abandon my fucking child. And I know I'm just likely to do it all over again even if I managed to commit. Which I wouldn't in the first place. Friends tell me "oh just focus on books 1 and 2 and work with anything else later" but you don't understand I need to make sure that I never contradict myself ever and that even the tiniest thing within books 1 and 2 remain canon compliant permanently and inscrutably. God.

I do not have this problem with my Heart of Darkness headcanons. I feel more restricted with HoD. More restrained. Because I am violently picky about something potentially being an aberration or inconsistency or ruining the canon. I can't just harass Eric or Fred every hour of the day about shit I can't infer from what's present in the game itself so I am on a leash. Which in and of itself is stressful because I do wish there was encyclopedic levels of autistic worldbuilding that was canon that I knew for a fact was what Eric and Fred and Christian intended.

How do I let loose and have fun? Well the answer it turns out is Underbed.

My whole concept of Underbed is that it's some sort of backrooms esque nightmare realm where monsters from under the bed, in the closet, etc. live. And akin to the whole backrooms concept it's not like it's a planet or universe all its own. It's like a parasitic pocket dimension to Earth. Which Earth? It doesn't matter. It's implied to be powered by childlore and childhood dreams, imagination, fear, etc. So it can bend and stretch and fluctuate and I don't have to worry about how quilted patchwork creatures are "alive" or how things can travel between the two spaces or anything. And I haven't yet felt the compulsion to over explain and set compliancy rules in regards to lore, physics, etc.

Of course I do want to do crossover stuff with HoD, but not seeing Underbed as its own distinct planet like where the Darkland is does make this easier. I only have to worry about one of the locations having its "black hole at the heart of the planet how does this dictate how things work there" lore. Underbed gets to be "idk magic quilt lol" about the whole thing. The most I've gone into more realistic concepts is that perhaps it's implied the childhood creatures may have once been flesh and blood but were cursed somehow. Maybe.

I think that acknowledging how creating to me is a tiresome burden because of the state of my brain is a good first step but I don't know where exactly to go from here. I do wish I could just not give a shit but unfortunately my entire childhood has drilled into me that there are consequences for not covering your bases at all times.

I ended up contacting the surviving daughter of the designer of the original Sly, who is also the person who wrote the little beanie babies esque story on the tags to see about officially getting her blessing to make my own story based off of my Special Sly but I'm currently waiting on a response.

I do think that what I want to make is its own distinct thing to the point that I surely have every right to do it. I mean he's not even going to fully look like the original toy design and people make stories based on their childhood toys all the time but I'm so self-conscious and paranoid about the whole thing.

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[simkjrs]

assorted fic/msa asks

Anonymous said: msa izuku while an Official Of The Law tries to stop him from doing his usual cryptic stunts: hey where can i go to file a complaint? its not formal. fuck you.

this is just the right level of irritation, sarcasm, and wit to come straight from msa izuku’s mouth. i love that

Anonymous said: someone asks msa izuku what he wants to be when he grows up. he stares at the floor angrily. "a concept. if even that," he says. no one knows how to respond. the silence stretches.

god this is PRISTINE. the silence stretches. im laughing you’ve captured the quintessential msa izuku experience!!!

Anonymous said: msa izuku's saving grace yet achille's attention-pulling heel is his ability to circumvent the powers people use to attack him, linear narratives, and any expectations placed on him

nfljsdfjsd yeah. his greatest strength and greatest weakness... it’s so funny to write. i love it

Anonymous said:  kirishima: deku we actually dont want to screw you over msa izuku: that sounds fake but ok

YEP! thats pretty much it

Anonymous said: Thinking about the wording of MSA!Izuku's deal with Kirishima, Kirishima might actually be able to take advantage of Izuku abusing the wording of the deal. So Kirishima could use the fact that he literaly cannot keep Izuku anywhere and that Izuku could ditch at any time in order to have an actual conversation with him. After all, Izuku always has a way out.

you fucking got me there. completely nailed it

Anonymous said: does msa iz/uku have to deal with shitty dreams too? like trauma from spirit shenanigans comes back to bite him in the ass in his sleep?

yeah there sure is a lot of trauma going around. like, look at this comment i got from crossy, i feel like this is one of the funniest things anyone has ever said about msa

Anonymous said: Okay... blink if the adult supervision in MSA is Aizawa....

you all know me so well!! fucking called me out!!!

Anonymous said: eyy u know that art u made of ritsu on ur art blog, "ritsu's range of normal human emotions?" the part where it said disattached from the social dogma? i imagines that as ur msa!izuku and skdnfsj o h m y g o d

im laughing!!! youre completely right. i need to redraw the panel now

Anonymous said: where is izuku's guardian spirit, you ask? theory: izuku is his own guardian spirit. he finds out and "well i must be doing a pretty shitty job. i hate myself. bye"

Anonymous said: ..... izuku is a gaurdian spirit but his ""quirk"" is being alive...... thats why getting his quirk shut off by eraserhead compeltely shut his body off

YOU ARE... almost completely correct

Anonymous said: since msa mido is like half a quirk himself does that mean he's his own guardian spirit? because if that was true and you told him that he would be so so tired. "my life's a sick joke already but thanks for that addition" or something. this poor child.

that’s pretty much the mindset he wakes up with every day!

Anonymous said: Ok so idk if im the only one who does this but whenever i read fanfic/any kind of writing i kinda come up with like a general color palette that fits with the whole story or like colors from a certain time of day or somethin as a general base for any fanart i might make for the thing but for Byggualom i imagine pinkish, orangey golden sunset colors with hints of plant greens and reds and for msa i imagine a lot of things happening in almost completely grayscale with gold highlights and-(1)

(2)- surreal moments where a bright/contrasting color is present(like the scene where the fox spirit appeared with the red eyes against the silver fur

that’s really cool! i love the sunset colors for byggualom, and the black and white is certainly a fitting ominous atmosphere for msa :^) 

Anonymous said: of fucking course fucking msa/villain izuku was there, MSA/villain fucking Izuku is always there. it’s like one of those universal laws of reality. whenever life takes a turn for the utterly insane, and or disturbingly lethal, msa/villain izuku is somehow right in the middle of it. looking innocent. like a fluffy bunny rabbit. with an innocent look in its eyes and an entire city reduced to rubble in the background, on fire. (I did both b/c I love both the dysfunctional dorks(and both made sense

i think this is more applicable to villain izuku. msa izuku will also be there in the middle of whatever chaos is happening, but he will not look innocent, he will look pissed and tired. you think YOU’RE tired of this bullshit? hah! you should hear about what he’s been doing all day. and no he’s not going to tell you, he’s just going to gripe about it endlessly while also furiously trying to fix everything that went wrong. 

other than that... this is rlly good. i love that. thanks for sending it in

Anonymous said: since i found out u listen to sea wolf the song "spirit horse" has just been violently playing in the background when i think of msa like thanks (not even sarcastically i love seawolf)

hell yeah, love that.... the song’s a bit too horse-y for me to put it on my msa playlist but you know what? its good

Anonymous said: Hey! Just wanted to let you know I ADORE your writing. Your OPM AU (that's what I always call it, I can never remember the acronym) is amazing and I've reread it twice. I decided to give your MSA story a try the other day and I LOVED that one as well. I was initially hoping for a OPM AU update but now I'm psyched as hell for MSA. Thank you so much for your amazing work. Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy both stories :) Have a great day

thank you! i’m happy you enjoy both fics so much <3 

Anonymous said: hi you’re an amazing artist/writer and I hope you have a great day :)

thank you!! i have been having some pretty great days, which is nice, i hope you are doing well too!

Anonymous said: ive reread msa for the like 5th time today and just wanted to tell you what an awesome job you did and i absolutely adore it and hope you have an amazing week!!!

i cant believe you’ve read it so many times!!! i’m glad you like it so much, and i hope you have a great week as well!

Anonymous said: Hey, *finger guns*, I really love your writing!

well guess what... i love you,

Anonymous said: All your stories are so good! I cryyyyy x

thanks! im crying also

Anonymous said: I'm so fucken hyped for literally all you bnha fan-fiction/head-cannons like seriously how do you even come up with ALL of it?!?!?!

mostly i just... actively put characters into situations that i think would be hilarious, or dream up bits of dialogue that spur me to craft an entire backstory just so i can lead up to the one moment. helps to have friends who encourage you to become increasingly unhinged from canon though.

Anonymous said: have *clap* a *clap* nice *clap* day

you too! 

Anonymous said: Okay you prolly get this loads but I freaking love everything you write! Everything is written so well and I die every time you update bc it's so good! I will happily wait five years to read any new chapter if it's written this well okay I'm rambling I love you have a nice day!

this is so nice.... thank you.... 

Anonymous said: HOLY SHIT, ANOTHER NONBINARY FIC WRITER!!! YO WHATS UP!!! WE'RE A P RARE BREED... HELL YEAH THOUGH!!! UR FICS R SUPER COOL UR SUCH A BIG INSPIRATION TO ME!! I HOPE U HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY + YOU NEVER GET WRITERS BLOCK + YOUR HANDS NEVER CRAMP UP!!!

hello there!!! it’s fantastic to see you!!!! hell yeah [i try to dab but accidentally knock over the stack of papers on my desk instead]

Anonymous said: Hey, I just wanted to say that I think you're doing a really super job with trying to write and do school at the same time. I know (personally) that it's really hard to do even WITHOUT extra stuff piling on top, but you handle the blog with a lot of humor and clumsy grace and I just wanted to let you know that you brighten up my day a lot. Thanks! I hope you do really well!!!!!!

hey! thank you, i put a lot of effort into running this blog, as can be evidenced by the week-long stretches of time between short bursts of activity

seriously though... thanks... i appreciate this ask a lot. hope you’re doing well!

Anonymous said: I just wanna say thank you! MSA Izuku gives me life XDDD

hell yeah! im glad to hear that

Anonymous said: dunno bout you or anyone else, but i see your izukus as homoromantic demisexual(s), just wanted to share

nice... 

im cool w/ whatever as long as it adheres to my one guideline which is that izuku is a mlm

[bettysnooze]

i can't remember if i asked or not so!! 6, 7, 12, 13, and 28!! long ones im soz

6. which one of your muses have you been playing the longest?

answered here !!

7. which one of your muses has the most ships?

HELEN RIGHT NOW OH MAN, i never realised how flirty she is wow, and the chemistry is off the charts for so many ppl i don’t even know how to begin, half of this might just be in my head so um pls lets talk about sHIPS WITH HELEN

12. what is something everyone should know about your muses before interacting?

betty: she’s made a name for herself among students, i feel like it’d be pretty common knowledge that auradon prep and arcadia uni has its own sandman. they might not know its specifically betty?? but definitely once they’re around her, you’d just know. so if you need a good night’s sleep or some help with nightmares, betty is your girl. 

veronika: she’s a tour guide for auradon prep students! so she’s good for characters that come in for the first time ever. she always has some sort of bag with her and it’s basically a survival kit (water, umbrella, maps, auradon keychains). 

makaria: she always looks amazing. girl with the awesome fashion sense, great nails, great hair. always put together. she had a good relationship with her father, so on the isle they were basically this strong unit. if hades was walking, you’d know mak wasn’t too far behind. 

hershey: he comes from a playable game! the arcade’s on the west coast somewhere, but yeah sugar rush is 100% playable so if it’s relevant for your character to have went there and played sugar rush by any chance, then they probably would remember hershey from there. 

cestrum: he’s tall. like…6 foot more. i think i said he was 6 foot 2. in a crowd he’s one of the tall ones. when he’s sitting down in a low chair, his knees are really knobby it’s like watching a giraffe sit down. 

aiwei: he’s got visible frankenstein’s-monster type scars. recently, he’d had to stitch himself up a lot (without a good access to magic) so along his arms and fingers especially. his skin isn’t warm, it’s a little pale actually but honestly the life comes from his eyes and his smile.

otto: he’s handsome af. literally classic prince charming. comes from snow white’s family, so very posh, very rich boy trope. sits with the cool kids, acts like a cool kid, lives like a cool kid. will only be seen associating with other royals (or those close to royals) or sitting alone. but he always looks busy too. 

illyria: she’s a bit ‘mona lisa painting’ in that her eyes will literally follow you even if she doesn’t move. once you catch her attention, she won’t look away until she’s had her fill of analysing you. also she speaks a lot in class (more in recent months) and if she’s curious about you, you’ll know. she bothers a lot of people in class too lmao.

kirsa: she’s a cheerleader! super team spirit all the way. she’s got makeup on her all the time, has her own version of a survival kit. need lip balm? she’s got new ones you can just take. need pads or tampons? she’s got light, heavy, and super. need a snack? she’s got a brownie in a tin. need alcohol or smokes? she’s got them too. omg she runs high school contraband.

dignan: LITERALLY SO BUSY WITH CLUBS. you will literally always see him hanging out with someone from a sports team, usually the baseball team. he’s literally a jock. since he joined the team he’s taken to wearing some sort of sports fashion – a cap, or shoes, or a jersey or jacket. BUT ALSO he’s in mathletes!! if he’s not in any of his other extracurriculars or studying or hanging with friends, then he’s at the gym or training. 

helen: also a jock. but she’s more known for having aurelius hanging around her all the time. he knows he can’t go into any buildings, so he’s always waiting outside. sometimes he hangs out by the classroom window and watches lessons LMAO. 

penelope: if you look poor, she’ll scoff at you, if you look rich, she’ll wink at you. she may also try to steal your shit, rich or poor. her luck with stealing comes and goes, sometimes it’s a smooth steal, most of the time she gets caught. she always tries tho.

13. what’s a weird headcanon you have for each of your muses?

betty: idk if this is weird but betty has the ability to literally sleep anywhere. once she decides she’s comfortable and wants to sleep, she’s done. betty’s been found sleeping in a closet, under a desk in a student’s lounge, IN CLASS…

veronika: she knows like every word to a handful of like early 2000s songs. outkast’s “hey ya”, eminem’s “without me”, coolio’s “gangsta’s paradise”, black eyed peas “where is the love”. a lot of avril lavigne. she won’t sing it (unless you’re noelle) but she can recite and mouth along to the song

makaria: she had a cooking phase. but only she eats the food bc she doesn’t want to accidentally poison anybody or make them puke. she likes cooking food. considers herself a good food critic.

hershey: hated ice-cream for the longest time bc, as a kid, he couldn’t get through the ice-cream catapult range on the sugar rush track. full-on boycotted ice-cream from like ages 6-10. it was a sad time for hershey.

cestrum: i’ve talked about it before but his tapdancing! started when he found a pair of dancing shoes in wonderland. then he found an old gramophone and some records. he basically taught himself how to tap dance. he doesn’t do it so often now because there’s every chance someone’s going to catch him doing it.

aiwei: secretly tried all sorts of things to make himself taller. he’d do stretches. he’d hang upside down. the last straw was when he would hang by his arms off a tall beam, with weight attached to his feet. he can’t feel pain so he just added as many weights as possible, and one foot literally popped off the socket. there’s a scar there too.

otto: scared of open water. doesn’t like the idea of drowning. he frantically trained himself to be able to swim well (in a pool) but he’s still wary of going to the beach. doesn’t like flying on a plane over large bodies of water. just……..no open water.

illyria: she’s really really bad with makeup. all she had to go on for years was tia dalma’s intense eyeliner, smokey-eye look LMAO. she tried makeup for a while but got too lazy and is just bare-faced now (she loves moisturising though and buys all sorts of sea-themed facewashes and things).

kirsa: she’s really picky about food. she’s a little self-conscious about it so when u eat with her for the first time she just goes with whatever but once she’s comfortable it’s just gonna be so specific. “hi so i’d like the apple pie for dessert with the ice-cream on the side, and if it’s home-baked pie then i’d like it heated but if it’s not then leave the ice-cream and i’ll have whipped cream instead. otherwise, i’d still like the ice-cream on the side – and for the salad, can i also have the dressing on the side please?” this is shamelessly taken from ‘when harry met sally’ but EVERYTHING IS ON THE SIDE

dignan: he’s superstitious especially about competitions. the first baseball game he won, he ate ice-cream beforehand so like now every time he has to eat ice-cream before a game. different rule for mathletes though, whenever they have a competition, he has to do like ten sit-ups. he will do those sit-ups anywhere, but he has to get them done. doesn’t walk under ladders. doesn’t open umbrellas indoors.

helen: she’s really not looking to love anyone right now, but she ends up liking so many people and she kinda loves that physical side of the relationship a lot ??? she also loves showing off and that’s not really a quirky headcanon but like she loves showing off

penelope: idk yet but i think maybe she once tried singing to the birds on the isle (back when her grandmother was still like ‘yes penny sing!!’) and honestly like the birds either died or tried to attack her, she probably has a fear of birds now because of that. 

28. can you sort your muses from weakest to strongest?

PHYSICAL STRENGTH-ABILITY WISE

aiwei: is a pacifist but also just like no upper-arm strength and literally you could rip his arms off with the right amount of force so no

cestrum: could literally knock him over with a strong wind but at least he’s a little more solid than aiwei. also a pacifist. also has a little trauma when it comes to physical harm so he just freezes and let’s things happen to him.

kirsa: has no idea how to defend herself and literally just runs or something and she’s not even a fast runner. she can scream tho and she panic-fights so she has every chance to scratch someone’s eyes out.

hershey: also panic-fights. would rather run (or drive away) than fight. if he had a car in his disposal he would still choose to just drive away with as little injury to anyone as possible. not very powerful in terms of physical fights; he gets beat up a lot.

veronika: knows how to avoid fights. calm in a brawl. uses her environment to her advantage (ie. broken glass, distractions). looks to leave fights rather than end them.

dignan: only more powerful than veronika physically but strategically he’s a mess. impulsive fighter. will throw himself into anything. upper-arm strength because of recent training and exercise; good aim, has amazing aim. 

illyria: calm, strategic, trained fighter. but only good with weapons, not very good with hand-to-hand combat (would rather not touch anyone at all). different scenario if she was in the water, but by herself she’s at this stage of the scale.

otto: brute strength. brawls. boxing. clenched fists and can take a hit and doesn’t stop hitting until the other person gives up. also swordsmanship. 

helen: the most powerful out of all my non-powered people. she’s got the strength, the strategy, the experience and the training. actual warrior princess helen rider. can also do everything in heels and on horseback. can probably do motorcycle stunts.

betty: she has so much untapped potential; the ursula event was only like a small dose of what she could do if she decided to use her powers that way. could end a fight before it even started.

makaria: ofc a goddess of death would be like the most powerful. fire (hellfire) powers, and shadow manipulation and basic magic and teleportation and also she doesn’t know it yet/hasn’t had a chance but she can manipulate the dead that are devoted to hades. also she’s gonna get her immortality one of these days so Full God Mak Aidoneus™