#idk if it's because i tried to go running 2 times or sth else too

[ratinthevoid]

looks like my old friend back/torso pain is back :')

[kejacomo-blog]

sometimes a pony gets depressed

I’ve been depressed for a while.  I mean. I guess I’ve always carried some kind of baggage with me. I’ve probably needed therapy for a long time, but I’ve never had a therapist.  I’ve been on anti-depressants, but it was a minuscule dose and I never really felt a perceptible difference. 

Each time the prescription was about to run out, I had to go to my pharmacy, and they had to fax my GP, who faxed them back? I think? Then I had to go back and pay a chunk of money, even after my student insurance covered 70% of it (iirc). On top of not perceiving any difference, going through these stilly hoops, and still paying a decent amount of money, my poor ass eventually just stopped taking the meds (self-inflicted poorness btw). 

I guess I thought that since I was graduating soon, I’d get a job in my field, things would fall into place, and I’d be ok. That... has not happened so far. 

And there’s not much to look forward to

.  I don’t have close friends 

(my fault for pushing ppl close to me away, not replying to messages, being socially awkward/introverted/anxious/shy however you want to slice it)

I don’t have money 

(my fault for being too lazy to get a job while in school and spending all my savings on rent, and misc. purchases) 

The dating scene is even more sparse than it was when I lived in the city 

(moved back home with the ‘rents to stop my wallet from bleeding and // it was the only way to get my ex to also move out of the studio apartment that we shared for 9 months post-break up. yup. also no rizz/no $ isn’t good for dating)

I don’t feel completely supported at home 

Maybe this will sound like my blaming others for part of my depression. but whatever. idc, it’s what I feel. About a year ago I realized that I am likely on the autism spectrum. I brought it up one day to my mom and we had a discussion on why I thought this way and some of my behaviours as a child. Even talked about that time in 4th grade when me and some of my peers were separated from our regular class to do some learning assessments or sth. Some were diagnosed with learning disabilities while the assessors noticed some peculiarities in me but nothing ever came of it. good masking, I guess. Anyway, that conversation was great, but since then neither of us has ever mentioned it again. Similar story with my depression. A few years ago, it eventually got to a point where it had to be addressed, and I had some conversations with her about it. It was easy to see it was hard on her. Maybe I should give her more slack. I can tell she tries in her own way to cheer me up. But it’s hard when the last conversation that we had about my depression ended with her reassuring me that she would check in every few days with me. And that conversation was... 1.5 years ago? 2? I guess she did check in with me about it a few weeks ago. But I was already too closed off by then. My brother is open to conversation but our worldviews are a bit different and historically I haven’t felt supported by him in the ways I would like to be supported. Always very solution-based with solutions that I do not vibe with, for that matter. My dad is very kind, but not very ‘emotionally available’, as they say. My sister is great for the support I require, but even she has a lot that she’s dealing with and I don’t want to push all my baggage onto her. So after cycling through all of that, it comes back to me having to get myself out of this hole somehow.

I don’t even know what happened to this formatting.

Just trying to get through the day doing different things because I am not finding joy in my usual things which is a bit concerning. I am reading a little more, though, which is good. And trying to get away from doomscrolling. 

Well. Maybe I feel a little better. Idk.

What else...

idk just being a poor, undiagnosed neurodivergent adult with no close frens just isn’t it. bleh.

At least I have things that I want to do in life still, food, a home, a family, etc. Could always be worse...

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

im just feeling like shit , and ......... feeling super fuckin lonely man. i dont know. not 2 whine i jsut... i kno its stupid but all i can hear rn is my flatmates talking to her friends all day through the walls........ and im just kinda. miserable and sad. it jsut feels so hopeless again, man... yknow. like its  just fucking no matter where i go or how i try or what i do i just end up feeling alone and isolated . and i know i have t be the problem. i have to be. but  i can give it my all, as i have tried to do but its just... its justnot ever enough and im just. i dont know man. it jsut feels like tht with everything but. great bc this means im just... alone all the time now and its like. like the only friends i have irl are her and her friends and ijust... i know im just kind of tacked onto there bc she feels bad and i jsut. i dont know.

i jsut.. i KEPT  thinkin . yknow. like even when i did get rlly sad when i was 14-17, and iw as constantly heartbroken abt bein lonely i just... at the v least kept telling myself, yknow it could get better like. maybe if i get away i can make friends maybe if i can but it just feels like everywhere i go man. liek its stupid & dramatic but ijsut feel like ive been fuckin doin tht my whole life and i jsut cant get a grip on it whatsoever and im just. so tired at this point bc it gets harder and harder as it all gets shittier. i can hardly hold a conversation irl any more. i just cant do it and i turn ppl away INSTANTLY with tht and i jado9dsjgdsg. .. and i hear ppl all the time talkin abt how uni is like the only place they rlly met ppl and dont rlly meet anyone elsewhere and i jsut. i dont know i know thts stupid but i just. feel like im rlly ruining ... the few chances i have but im too scared and i cant fuckin do it man like icant.. i cant handle trying it any more and its just... i want to be close with ppl but i dont think im ever goin 2 be at this point in my life and i loathethe way. ppl say thts dramatic & the patronising bs of “you cant know tht” when its not. h. i jsut . i dont wnt to cosntantly have to.... anyways fuckin god i just. i dont know man i dont ufcking know i just feel so alone and im just.... mim so sad of literally everything jsut always piling on, of everything jsut reminding me of how inadequate and useless and worthless it all is and idk. 

bc like its not just the loneliness i just. im so sad and tired of jsut being.... the stupid fuckn. backup friend and tht being my worth like. its fine i get it ppl need ppl to go to sometimes but its just so... i dont kno im so. i wish i had my own worth past tht like i just. half the time it jsut feels exponentially worse to just stick around people who actually fuckin want each other and just not . really fitting in well with them and just feeling. cast out and alienated constantly nad having to run to desperately . DESPERATELY feel like ur apart of sth but it literally means nothing in the end bc u never will be and jsut having to . constantly pretend ur COOL when ur rlly sad&heartbroken bc they jsut forgot u existed again and.....

and i keep thinking abt when my degrees over. im ngoing to be completely alone bc i dont think im worth keeping around longerr than the convenience of like uni and like... im going to be alone-alone bc i dont have a family to tturn to and im such a wreck i dont know if i’ll keep myself afloat because its not jsut the energy but i dont know if i even want to and i just. im scared rlly scared of jsut . not having anyone to turn to . i dont even now rlly but THEN i wont even have like. a place to stay and part of me rlly does just think. yeah . kill yourself bc like i jsut... what else is there for me  and idk man. idk <3

[helianthus21]

Supernatural Survey

I was tagged by @starsinursa, thank you!:)

1. What season did you start watching Supernatural? I started watching in 2014, after I came across a re-run of Changelings. Before that, I’d heard of the show, but didn’t think anything of it except that the leads are pretty hot^^. Changelings got me hooked so fast though, I thought, there’s a show in which every episode is like a little horror story niice:D. This episode is still one of my faves tbh, the monster-kids were so creepy. Yeah, then I heard sth of the angel that marches into the show in S4 and I just wanted to binge to his introduction tbh:P.

2. Who was the first character you fell in love with? Dean, I’d say. At first, he was this standard macho male lead but it shone through pretty fast that there was more to it than the stereotypical action hero, like all the times he tried so desperately to keep his little family together.. it just breaks your heart, oh Dean<3

3. Who was a character that you hated at first but grew to love? hmm.. Bela? I think I grew to love her in my first rewatch, because then I learned to appreciate characters who made life hard for the boys:P (I didn’t ‘hate’ her though, that’s a little too strong..) And Crowley is a little more difficult, since I liked him at first, then totally disliked him for all the shit he pulled in S8 with Kevin and Linda and Sarah and then I liked him again.. he’s a tough one to like^^  Maybe Amara? I just hate what they did with the ‘romantic’ non-consensual bond with Dean and think she has so much more potential than what they did with her, because her arc was pretty inconsistent tbh.. In retrospect.. I probably can’t love her because I kinda have a grudge at this whole thing but I appreciate the (largely unused) potential she brought on the table..

4. Which character would you most want to be in a long-term relationship with? uhmm.. I would say Cas but I want him to date Dean so:P Jimmy? Kevin? Benny? idk I don’t really think about this kinda thing... I love the characters but I don’t imagine dating them, you know?

5. If you could go on a date with just one character, which one would you choose? One date? Dean would probably be a total gentleman;)

6. What would you do on that date? Dinner and a movie?:P And I don’t do LARPing but I bet it would be fun with Dean. Or Charlie. Or both;)

7. Which character would you most want to be like? Charlie, because she embodies an optimistic view on life, bravery and sass, the holy trinity I strive for;) Plus, my favorite Charlie quote: “I realized the only way to get away with being me is to be as indispensable as possible” - words to live by^^

8. Which character would you most want to see brought back from the dead? CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE!!! And Kevin and Eileen!!! And Alicia, because her death gave me a weird sort of bitterness.. she was such a fun character with so much potential behind her and without her Max is just a depressing character to me so yeah.

9. Which character would you most like to punch? Metatron, then I’d bribe him to write a bucklemming character into the show and punch them:P

10. Who is your absolute favorite character? Cas!:D

11. Which “Big Bad” do you think was the worst? Lucifer just had the most round arc in S5

12. Which character are you most like? if you cross out the intelligence level, Kevin? Or Claire maybe? Though they’re both braver than I am^^

13. What death hit you the hardest? Charlie because it was just so dumb an unnecessary. Same to Eileen. And Kevin. Alicia with the above mentioned reason too. Bobby.

14. What season finale hit you the hardest? Season 6. It was heartbreaking but I liked the angst. If only they had done something about Cas sooner in S7..

15. What are your ten all-time favorite episodes? Changing Channels, The French Mistake, Free To Be Me And You, The End, LARP and the Real Girl, Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, Stuck in the Middle (With You), and like every episode with Cas and Charlie:D

16. What’s been your favorite season? Season 5

17. Who is your favorite angel? Castiel obviously;) then Balthazar, Gabriel, Anna

18. Who is your favorite demon? Abaddon and Crowley

19. Who’s your favorite evil character? Lucifer and Abaddon

20. Do you have any Supernatural ships? Destiel obviously, Saileen, Sam/Sarah, Sam/Lily (:P), Bobby/Ellen

21. Who’s your favorite supporting actor? Felicia, Osric, Kim, Katherine, Rob... I could go on

22. What’s your favorite quote from the show? "Then I realized there is no righteous path. Just people trying to do their best in a world where it’s far easier to do their worst” - Castiel (I’m writing this from memory don’t sue me if it’s incorrect^^) “It’s a gift. You keep those” - Dean (pls stop me xD)

23. If you could cast one famous actor in an episode of SPN, who would you choose? I don’t really know him but I’d say John Barrowman who everyone wants for human!Impala. Because I really really wanna see Jensen’s Dean’s face when he sees his Baby is a guy:P

24. If you could write your own episode, what kind of creatures would you like to see included? Chtulu:P

25. Who’s your favorite girl that Dean’s hooked up with? Lisa:)

26. Who’s your favorite girl that Sam’s hooked up with? Sarah!! (though does it count as a hookup? They just made out.. If not, I’ll say Madison)

27. What are some of your favorite convention moments? Basically everything I’ve seen that happened at Jibcon this year. (I’m keeping this answer from @starsinursa :P)

28. If you were going to guest star (or be a recurring guest star) on SPN, how would you want your character to be described? Some mix between Charlie, Alicia and Jody? Idk, a fun character that’s also damn tough and doesn’t take any shit from the boys. Also, she’d be the one saving the day pls:P (this would be AU!me though because I can’t act for the life of me and I bet I’d be generally pretty embarrassing if I’d see J2M in person:P)

29. What do you hope to see in the next season? A central arc for Cas that makes sense, makes for good character development and is fun to watch, lots of Destiel moments, maaaany recurring guest stars getting their time to shine, fan favorites resurrected and becoming recurring guest stars,... I won’t watch on anything less:P

30. - 40. If you had to choose…

Bobby or John? Bobby

Bela or Ruby? Bela

Jess or Madison? Madison

Jo or Lisa? Lisa sorry Jo Ily

Charlie or Kevin? Charlie (this is mean!! I love Kevin too he’s my son)

Balthazar or Ash? Balthazar (sassy British Angel friend pls give Cas some friends back:/)

Cas or Crowley? CAS:D

Ben or Claire? Claire

Jody or Donna? Jody

Sam or Dean? Dean, sorry Sam Ily too!

Tagging @procasdeanating, @bend-me-shape-me, @saawek, @cornerbackcastiel, @bela-talbot, @iamalwaysaslutforcoffee, @cas-essence, @soulless-puppy-dog if you guys wanna do it or anyone else who is bored:)

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 3

6 april 2017 2:57am i got nightmares again. this time i was helping a close friend of mine ( i can’t seem to be able to remember her face once i woke up). she was transitioning to become something else a different religion or sth. i helped her through her tough times. we were in my room just that it had a different setting. and she had another girl friend with her. it’s hazy i can’t remember everything but she tried to kill me. she had a gun. she was in a trance and she randomly shot the gun all around. i said i was scared and hid in a corner. her friend looked at me weirdly. i said i wanted to leave, my friend turned the gun on me. i ran for my life, down the stairs. she shot me in the head but i still could run. everything happened in slow mo. i ran in slow mo. she didn’t. i was crying calling out your name. i made it out of the front door crying for help and bumped into my colleagues. there was no one around except them. they stalled me for a few seconds before the girl caught up with me. they didn’t believe my story. they said i was crazy i tried to escape and i couldn’t. and i wanted to wake up from my dream so desperately and i couldn’t too. the dream was never ending, like it was trapping me inside it. i knew i was asleep and i was dreaming. i couldn’t do anything about it. idk how i finally woke up. i think i tricked myself into thinking that it was alr 6am. i heard myself calling your name out in my sleep. i guess even when i’m not conscious and awake i still need you as much.

3:33am hey i can’t go back to sleep. i was scrolling facebook and i came across this which i wanted to tag u in. but i can’t bc we aren’t supposed to be talking. i’ll just put it here, maybe you might come across this someday. “How to keep a relationship: Communicate: Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past, which include ex’s. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won’t always be happy. Don’t expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally. ” i know i said i didn’t want to hope but i really wish we would work out in the end.

7:27am i barely slept. i feel like shit too. i want to skip work today. my whole body feels like it’s giving up.

what day is it? oh thursday. nice. almost one week is over.

3 more weeks to go.

10:23am my whole body hurts. i think i over exerted myself yesterday while carrying the stones. it’s good feeling the pain tho, since i promised i wouldn’t hurt myself intentionally. at least this pain helps me a little bit. idk.

i saw this crystal marbled bar soap and immediately wanted to tag u and i was about to press send when i realized we don’t talk anymore. the marbled soap was so u, and it was whitish, your favorite colour. i wanted to get one for you but it costs 10usd for like a 5cm piece. plus the shipping. i think it’s not worth it. i looked up some diy crystal soap articles and maybe i’ll make some considering i don’t go out anymore and i have some time. maybe i’ll make them some day. if i can get myself out of bed and do something productive with my life.

11:33am ‪i would rather be fighting with you than going through this alone‬

12:30pm it’s lunch now and i bought majestic bay’s staff menu. i was so hyped up for it bc they said it was the okra one. bc i remembered the colleagues talking about it saying that the minced meat and brinjaw one was good. when the food came, i got so disappointed bc it’s was fucking LADIESFINGER AND FISH. FAK i always thought okra was brinjaw omfg and i was cheated??? holy shit i was so mad bc not only i don’t like ladies finger, the portion was so little that there’s only 3 small pieces of fish and 2 slices of ladies finger. omfg i got so mad that shit cost $5. omg ended up we had to buy macs the staff menu and a large fries. ugh

it’s weird tho i feel nauseous and my stomach hurts but i ate breakfast today. i had wraps and sandwhich. i didn’t eat the sandwhich tho. now eating lunch i feel like i need to puke even more than ever. ugh what’s wrong with me. i’ve been eating i swear. i’ve been eating 3 meals i didn’t skip any meals but idk why.

7:42pm daddy and mummy went out for dinner, they told me they had some food for me on the table and i just had to warm it up. i didn’t want to eat bc i didn’t have any appetite recently. but i couldn’t just throw it away and lie that i ate. so i just warmed up the food. i left the soup on the stove on low fire and went to bathe. halfway i heard and explosion and i got fucking scared. like omg wtf what if my whole kitchen is in flames or sth??? wtf wtf so i went out stark naked and soap still in my hair. and the fucking back door was open bc i went for a smoke earlier. fuck my life. and i was scared someone came home too and i was naked?? and what if the kitchen was on fire too?? fuck. luckily the fire just went out but the sound tho. scared the shit out of me. thank God nothing happened. holy shit. i thought the worst was over, and i could just go back to bathe. I couldn’t fucking turn off the fucking gas HOLY SHIT. the knob was jammed fuckkkkk how more suey could i get. and i was soapy and the soap was in my eyes and what not and i was trying my best to turn off the stove before anyone came home seeing me naked????? fuck. i finally managed to in the end. i swear my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to pop out. omg. ok story telling time over. i’m so tired to even eat. i just want to smoke my life away till i pass out from the fumes.

9:28pm i happened to chance upon this thoughtcatalogue article and i really agree with it a lot.

I Love You, But You’re Not Good For Me (And I Can Finally See That) Becca Martin

It’s been months since I’ve seen you last and I was convinced you were what was missing from my life. I convinced myself that I couldn’t live without you, that I’d never be happy again until I was reunited with you, but going back made me realize something I’ve known for a while but have never been able to admit to myself. I finally realized just how toxic and suffocating you are in my life. I get so wrapped up in love and the idea of love that often times I forget just how good or bad something can be for me. I think that it’s right, and that just because it makes me feel good that means it’s all okay. But it’s not. It’s not okay that I left feeling full of regrets, feeling less than when I arrived to you, feeling empty because as much as I want to be with you constantly, going back to you made me realize how damaging our relationship is. It made me realize that what we had worked for so long, but even through all those years I failed to notice you’ve always made me feel this way. You were always bad for me but I just became completely intoxicated by you. You made me forget my morals, my values, how to be strong on my own because being around you makes me weak. It makes me do things I’m not necessarily proud of because being around you makes me feel alive. It makes me hate myself – and love shouldn’t make you feel that way. But I never noticed it at the time, I blocked it out and always blamed it on anything other than you. I enjoyed every wild moment, every drunk mistake, every time I let myself go completely because all I was concerned about in those moments was being there with you. I never wanted to be apart, I never wanted to live without you because I never thought I could enjoy life without you. I wanted to stay there; stay in those moments of comfort with you because it made me feel safe. In all those blissful moments I forgot how damaging you were to me because in those moments I never wanted anything more than I wanted to be there, with you. I thought going back to you would help, I thought it would remind me just how much I love you and it would make me want to stay. But I was wrong. I loved you when I got there – and I still do – but now I’m not so sure that it’s healthy because when I drove away and left you this time I didn’t feel the same heartbreak I felt the first time. I didn’t feel the same sadness and regret of walking away. This time I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back to you again. Instead, this time I felt empty, I felt hopeless and like I’ve completely lost myself because that’s what you do to me. You completely intoxicate me and you turn me into someone I’m not, someone I don’t know anymore. And it breaks my heart to come to this realization because I love you more than you’ll ever know, but you’re not good for me. I learned that I can love you with my whole heart in a way that I’ve never loved anyone or anything else but that doesn’t mean we are good for each other; it doesn’t mean we’ll end up together because sometimes you don’t end up with the love of your life, and that’s okay. I love to love things that are bad for me because they make me feel alive, but at a certain point I need to walk away from what I really want in the moment and start walking towards something that’s good for me in the long run. I don’t know how I’ll do it without you, but all I know is I need to try because I can’t keep going back to you. I’m no longer good for you and you’re definitely not good for me.

it’s scary bc that’s how i feel sometimes. especially when we fight. i’m pretty numb rn, i don’t feel as much as i did on that day and the next. i know you’re bad for me, bc you don’t ever change or try and understand when a misunderstanding happens. you said u would but when it comes down to doing it, you don’t. but i still love you. a lot in fact. like how the girl felt like in the article.

these days, we have been fighting so much i’ve stopped wishing and hoping for things to go my way, i just let nature take its course. and i don’t think i’ll have a definite answer for you if u were to ask me at the end of all these. i’ve cleared my mind and have been thinking things through. i don’t feel depressed or happy or wtv. i just feel normal. like it’s any other day. i’m just going to leave it in God’s hands. it’s not that i’ve given up. i don’t want to fight against what has been planned for us. it’s tiring knowing that you’re fighting a losing battle. i’ll just let nature take its course, and go with the flow.

the thing about me is that no matter how wrong i know something is or how bad something is for me, i still try and fight for what i want. and i might end up fighting a losing battle when it comes to you. bc no matter how toxic our r/s is, i am that stubborn and i won’t give up even though i know it’s not going to work. i only give up when i’m broken. and i guess i’m not that broken enough to give up yet.

10:30pm the mood swings are back. i feel shitty. i miss u. there's a dull ache inside my chest. i wanna talk to you. i wanna know what you're doing. i want you to be here. i want to see your face. i want to feel u. i miss u.