#idk if i can handle it emotionally tbqh | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

axgmented · 4 months ago

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a little bit of an explanation as to whats happened in my life, to keep yall up to date if you wish.

idk really how to start this off, so if it seems a little jumbled & out there I'm sorry!

it's been three years since i left my ex "husband". So by legal standards, no we weren't married. I had a place holder ring. Stayed with him for 9 years. He was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and isolated me from my friends. Honestly, I can't even put plural for that-- I was "allowed" one friend, and that was the girl who is practically my sister from HIGH SCHOOL. And even then? it was a big to-do if I wanted to spend time with her. I never got to see my mother, who I have a strained relationship with already.

In those three years, I have bought a house (i dont recommend doing what I did. Just.. explore your options.) My situation was that my mother didn't want me living with her anymore and thats fine-- she is entitled to her own space and what not. I'm grown, 30 years old this year, and she has raised me so I get it. I bought this house hastily and to its credit it's a great little starter house for two people. Only issue is, it's small but like I said I just wish I had waited a little bit and shopped around, but I felt the quicker I could get out the faster I could get my cats back! And did.

I've also gotten a new car, a better position at my job (but fuck that place tbqh. grateful for the paycheck but man... 6pm-6am is ROUGH when you are chronically ill.) and....maybe....just maybe... a new partner. I've went from 21lbs to 150 (and that was honestly all in the first year-- I've maintained that weight just about constantly for 2 years running now).

But with new changes, there isn't always a silver lining.

My depression got bad, my anxiety worse, I've developed new health issues such as POTS (thats really fun to have in a warehouse work setting in the middle of summer), seizures (these are non-epileptic), and as of today, chronic hives (and I thought eczema was hard to deal with) on top of my insomnia just absolutely taking the piss out of me. Then one of my moms got into an accident on 4th of july weekend, my co-worker just had to be taken off of a vent because he was denied a lung transplant (guy was only in his 60s if best) & I've fallen out of friendship with what used to be a good coworker (who is now my boss...it's going exactly how you'd imagine lol). Something happened with my partners family, but that's for them to share if they wish.

So all in all 2024 has been absolutely KICKING my ass but I'm still here. I'm sorry for having to disappear for so long, but I do not have the spoons to be here constantly. I am trying to get back into the swing of things, since they're adjusting my medicines and trying to get me on the correct dosages and what not (i've had Serotonin Syndrome & thats' drastically cut what medicines I can have with my mental health, in half.

In short, thank you for sticking with me this long & I hope to come back in full swing eventually, but I'm just slowly trying to chip away at everything and your patience means a great deal! Small little note, my handle used to be Loh on here-- ive changed it to Runnii! (or Rune) and I hope you guys like it!

#shut up runnii-- ooc;;#tw; death

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kinetic-elaboration · 3 years ago

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September 10: Friday

I just had this feeling this morning like I didn’t want to go to work and eh... that was probably right. Nothing really bad happened, I just felt very strongly that I did NOT want to be there.

My coworker wanted to talk to me at like 8:30 in the morning (you know those silly little ‘don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee’ signs?? literally do not talk to me before 9:30 EARLIEST) and I was supremely incoherent. Then later a different coworker essentially took out his bad mood on my department including on me personally, and it was... dumb. I got his point but I’m just, as I tried to explain to others later, unkeen on being talked to about actions I took under others’ explicit instructions. Also, in part because of that, in part because I thought he was semi-unreasonable, and in part because I just truly didn’t want to do what he was asking/telling me to do, I did not really budge on the issue. Which was very awkward because as I said I did get his point. And of course the issue is SOMETHING DUMB which is always how it is. All of these fights are 100% shit that would sound idiotic if you tried to explain it to someone else, which is why I’m vaguing right now.

And the nametags thing came up on Teams (thanks @ the same coworker), and the only good thing about that is that the director explicitly said she was against the idea so I feel pretty confident that it won’t be mandated. Also I could detect some panic in other people about it. I do NOT like the way this is being handled AT ALL. Plus it’s just the hill I’ve decided to die on (because I think I can win--so I guess it’s better to say this is the hill I’m going to defeat my enemies on) so I gotta get annoyed at it. I refrained from contributing to the conversation but I did like the director’s anti-nametag post, which I think gets my point across.

Also I felt like I spent a lot of time doing not much, to be honest. Still didn’t go to stupid compact shelving. Devoted too much time to the crap in the above paragraphs. Talked to BL over in admin and heard some more unflattering stories about a particular administrator. Like, incredibly unflattering. Which is stuff I do want to know but it contributes to the overall Mood of the day, which again is ‘I don’t want to be here.’

I took a very late lunch, and that in turn contributed to me not paying enough attention to the time and leaving late.OH AND I got 3 important emails in the last ten minutes of the day. Two were very expected because they were coming from the West Coast but the last was like.. do not make me deal with this right now.

I didn’t deal with almost any of it but I did get so distracted that I left about five minutes late, and so I missed the bus. I wasn’t too upset about it since the weather was nice anyway and I didn’t mind spending some time downtown. But I did waste time trying to see if I could catch said bus, and then more time trying to go to my favorite coffee shop, which had closed at 5. But since it was 5:15, there were still people inside (cleaning up, which is fair) and people outside (drinking coffees they’d bought before 5 I’m sure, also fair), and the sign said hours were until 7 so I spent a few confused, embarrassing moments going ????? what is the truth?

So ultimately I went to a different cafe, a newish one that opened in 2019 I think. I’ve always avoided it in part because the floor is very loud and in part because I felt like I was cheating on my main place lol. (Not that I never get coffee anywhere else... just that this place is so close to my usual place, I always feel like, if I’m in the area, I might as well go to said usual place.) I did find the inside very disorienting. The pattern of the floor is just truly A Lot. They did have these weird teacup ornaments hanging from the ceiling though. I got an iced latte, which was fine, and this delicious spinach and feta pastry. I feel like I should stop by more often for baked goods. I settled outside with what I’d gotten, mostly because of the floor, partly because it actually was nice out, and partly because I’m not currently comfortable with indoor dining, even in places with almost no one in them.

I only had like 25 minutes to kill at that point, but it was nice. I had a notebook with me and I did a teeny bit of planning on the Southern Gothic AU (still behind on this!!). Mostly I listened to the conversation next to me. I couldn’t entirely help it; the girl’s voice was carrying. She was talking to her guy friend about some recent issues they’d been having in their friendship. I was honestly...kind of impressed with them? I could mostly hear her--he was talking too but his voice didn’t carry as much--but it just overall sounded like a really open, emotionally honest, generally calm talk. Like certainly there were strong emotions in play (not exactly going to judge whether they were “warranted” given the apparent facts of the dispute, since I just ranted about a disagreement over something so dumb I don’t even want to name it in public) but they were just... expressing feelings that were difficult, and expressing displeasure with others’ actions, without yelling or being passive aggressive, etc. I mean even that they’d picked this time and place to meet specifically to discuss it I thought was commendable. And they were definitely friends, not bf/gf, because the disagreement involved his girlfriend (once referred to as his “partner”...sorry lol I judged that a LITTLE since they looked like they were maybe 21 years old--partner in WHAT??). The girl mentioned her therapist, which put a lot of her tone and vocabulary into perspective. Not necessarily in a bad way, I mean, it seemed to be working? But as someone who has never been to therapy, but is self-taught, so to speak, in gauging and describing my own feelings, I could... discern a sort of purposeful vocabulary that almost sounded scripted. I wrote down some specific quotes but I don’t want to put them in a public place. I’ll draw my respecting-strangers’-privacy line in the sand there. But a lot of, like “when you do x, it makes me feel y” kind of controlled explanations.

Anyway, I got very invested in that. Partly for future writing purposes, partly out of curiosity and partly because... I don’t know that I could have that kind of conversation NOW and I’m fairly sure I could not have when I was in college. I mean.... I don’t know... I’ve blocked out a lot of the pretentious/serious/about-our-feelings talks I did have. And what sticks out now are all the times I didn’t do that--all of the many, many issues with TA38... Even the way B and I have literally NEVER acknowledged the handful of times we hooked up in 2009.

You’re never gonna sound COOL talking about your emotions, your wants and your needs; it’s always gonna sound, imo, like a Therapy Script. And I don’t even always think you gotta have those talks. After graduation, R and I literally had this exchange where we said ‘well we both made mistakes last year, and we could try to untangle it now, but it’s just gonna bring up a lot of bad feelings. It’s done now anyway. Blanket apologies given, blanket acceptance of apologies, let’s move on.” And we did and it was fine. But if we’d had better conversations while we were living together, that would have been a different situation.

All of which is of course complicated for me personally because I am extremely conflict-averse. EXTREMELY.

Anyway, I ran into BL at the bus stop and we talked a bit there and on the bus, which was fine but kinda exhausting tbqh especially because of the topic of conversation. I got home at 6:30 and must have crawled immediately into bed and gone to sleep, but I barely remember it at all. Woke up at 10:30 and had no idea what time it was or what day it was or what I was doing.

Had dinner and then somehow went down a rabbit hole that started... somewhere?? and ended with me looking up my childhood home on Google Earth, which you KNOW is the sign of a mentally stable person who is doing just fine okay.

Now it’s the absolutely disgusting hour of 2:30 in the morning... Idk I wanted to go out tomorrow and take advantage of the nice weather but we’ll see how that goes. The thing is I feel like I need a full day to sleep but I only have two (2) days and in that time I gotta do laundry, cook for the week, preferably write one (1) whole chapter of this fic, and possibly also go on the aforementioned excursion. Which is a lot for me. It doesn’t really... fit.

Everything’s just so much all the time and so on.

#the year 2021 #2021: rl #real dear diary moment here

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necropsittacus · 4 years ago

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starscream? :0

How I feel about this character: love and light of my life. #1 Projection Character. awful bastard son. i am extremely invested in starscream for all that i have varyingly major disagreements with a lot of, perhaps even most, other people who like him; this has been the case for going on three years now on and off.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: i'm on a big starscream/soundwave kick lately. it's the projection. i'm gonna save my Detailed Feelings About That for another post but like...that could go in any number of different directions, multiple of which i’m enthusiastic about. starscream/shockwave and starscream/skyfire are also Big Feelings Time; also starscream/knock out to some degree. i can kinda go for putting him with basically anyone but megatron though ngl?

My non-romantic OTP for this character: ...honestly basically the same list as above, i could go for most of those romantic or platonic? i do tend to see starscream+skywarp+thundercracker as nonromantic, and that's a combination i'm quite invested in (although i also don't see it as familial? which i know a lot of people do. i'm rambling but i do really like the amount of disagreement around what exactly seeker trines *are.* hits me right in the Ambiguous Poorly Categorized Relationship Feelings.)

My unpopular opinion about this character: idk if this is unpopular exactly? i'm too pretty to interact with more than like 5-10 people in fandom

but my Most Controversial Feeling starscream opinions are 1) he is Very Much a Scummy Little War Criminal and people forget that too much in favor of making him Perfect Baby Who Did Nothing Wrong Ever. he's awful and i love that. from what i see of fandom...a lot of people have no sense of in-between or context, it always has to be either "starscream did nothing wrong ever and he's a good person doing his best actually" or "starscream is the Actual Worst and deserves everything he got" and i don't think either of those are true at all. starscream is a lot of things at once and that's part of why i like him so much

and 2) that i actually don't necessarily think parts of canon making him an abuse victim is, in itself, bad writing, or romanticizing abuse, or canon saying that abuse can be deserved (one of the worst tf takes i've ever seen tbqh? imho if you look at a Certified Bad Person being abused in a piece of media and your takeaway from that fact is that that person deserves to be abused, that's also a problem with you. that's messily phrased but.). idk i actually do get something out of that narrative because it feels so much like my own experiences a lot of the time? i certainly don't think it's always handled well, but like, i'm inclined to be defensive of, say, tfp megatron and starscream's relationship being Like That because it gives me something to project onto, if that makes sense, and also just a lot of room for messy emotionality and 'well he's sympathetic in this respect but wholly unjustified in this one' that i find interesting to think about

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i'm gonna sound like i'm contradicting stuff i just said here but i really do think that starscream deserved better, and deserved a better ending in particular. speaking mostly to tfp/aligned continuity here since that's what i'm most familiar with but...he should have gotten some kind of closure re megatron and some kind of sense of safety, and like, i don't know, friends? people to take care of him? there's a large part of me that does not especially want a starscream redemption arc and doesn't think the idea makes sense. there's also a part of me that wants him to be loved and cared for in a way that miiight require some character development. regardless of that issue, his life just...sucks a lot. and i wish that was addressed more by canon in one way or another

thank you very much for giving me an opportunity to ramble

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