#idk if gaslighting is the right word but she gaslights me about my own memories experiences and feelings all the time so like....

[iamunabletothinkofablogname]

1. What is you middle name? It's either bait ali or ali bait [roughly translates to house of Ali] [[not many people know about my middle name lol] 2. How old are you? 14 3. When is your birthday? 27/11/2009 4. What is your zodiac sign? Saggitarius 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 5. What is your favorite color? Red/orange/purple/black 6. What’s your lucky number? 6 7. Do you have any pets? Used to 8. Where are you from? Technically i'm from iran but i don't look it, i was born in kuwait and my mum just tells me to say 'iraqi' 9. How tall are you? 166cm 10. What shoe size are you? idfk 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 2 of the same pair 12. What was your last dream about? Reliving a bad memory, then finding the person everywhere and trying to hide while my mum drags me closer [we had to go run errands, but i'd always find him there and i couldn't leave] 13. What talents do you have? I can turn off my emotions :3 14. Are you psychic in any way? Answered this 15. Favorite song? Right now it's honeypie [for the beat, it makes me happi] 16. Favorite movie? idk 17. Who would be your ideal partner? I'm aroace so idfk 18. Do you want children? One day i might wanna adopt a kid, but i aint sure 19. Do you want a church wedding? I don't want any wedding lol 20. Are you religious? Spiritual not religious 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? who hasn't??? 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Never been caught doing illegal shit but the worst thing i've done was like, steal a fucking math book 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Nat Amoore [author, but i dont think she's a celeb lol] 24. Baths or showers? showers 25. What color socks are you wearing? None, i'm on my bed lol but i wear black socks 26. Have you ever been famous? nuh-uh, thank god 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Would rather die /gen 28. What type of music do you like? Vocaloid, breakcore, indie/alt rock 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nuh-uh 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two, one to hug and one to hide my books/laptop [i don't sleep on it though 31. What position do you usually sleep in? Fetal but hugging a pillow 32. How big is your house? Not ours, but it's medium 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? I don't eat breakfast lol 34. Have you ever fired a gun? If only 35. Have you ever tried archery? If only times two 36. Favorite clean word? supercalifragilisticexpialadocious 37. Favorite swear word? fuck 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? idfk a week? 39. Do you have any scars? yea 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Complicated but yeah, twice/thrice [?!?!?] 41. Are you a good liar? Yeah, when i want to be 42. Are you a good judge of character? I don't think so 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? I change accents depending on who i'm talking to so 44. Do you have a strong accent? Nope 45. What is your favorite accent? I think irish cus it sounds cool 46. What is your personality type? Entp! [i was esfp then enfp then intp then entp] 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? I'm not sure 48. Can you curl your tongue? ye 49. Are you an innie or an outie? innie 50. Left or right handed? Left 51. Are you scared of spiders? only super big ones, but i usually just freeze when one is on me 52. Favorite food? Rice and yoghurt w lentils [imjadarah] 53. Favorite foreign food? Warag anab [vine leaves i think it's called] 54. Are you a clean or messy person? messy asf 55. Most used phrased? "[accidentally dirty thing] you say?" "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID" [irl] 56. Most used word? "FUCK-" "WOOHOO!!!" "REALLY???" [irl]

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Not too long but i procrastinate it a lot so a while lol 58. Do you have much of an ego? The lowest fucking ego but i'll gaslight myself into thinking yes anyway 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck 60. Do you talk to yourself? Constantly, usually internally though 61. Do you sing to yourself? If i'm comfortable with the people i'm around, i will just randomly break into song 62. Are you a good singer? Not good, not horrible 63. Biggest Fear? Things never getting better 64. Are you a gossip? No, but if someone starts it i'll go along with it 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? I don't watch dramas lol 66. Do you like long or short hair? All hair is cool, but i would love to have shorter hair 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? the only states i know are 1-north carolina 2-idaho 3-Texas 4-florida 5-ohio 6-Washington 7-Wyoming 8-South carolina 9-Arizona [on the spot at least] 68. Favorite school subject? sport/gym 69. Extrovert or Introvert? I love people but i get overwhelmed easily so i need to recharge, i've been called an extroverted introvert so idk 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Nope, seems scary 71. What makes you nervous? being alone with one person 72. Are you scared of the dark? Not really, if i feel something in there i flip off the darkness and say "Fuck you" and it makes me feel better 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Rarely 74. Are you ticklish? Kinda 75. Have you ever started a rumor? Accidentally in like 3rd grade about a killer being in the window of the unit outside our school [i was misunderstood] 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Sometimes i have to parent my siblings when my mums gone but not really 77. Have you ever drank underage? No 78. Have you ever done drugs? nope 79. Who was your first real crush? it's complicated lol 80. How many piercings do you have? two, but they're closing off 81. Can you roll your Rs?“ Answered this 82. How fast can you type? retook it 79WPM 83. How fast can you run? I'm really fast, it's very rare that someone can run faster than me 84. What color is your hair? Black 85. What color is your eyes? Very dark brown, i can't see my pupils if i look in the mirror 86. What are you allergic to? Bug bites, dust [well my sis is and i get the same reactions] 87. Do you keep a journal? Not anymore 88. What do your parents do? Not eachother that's for sure /silly My dad is a security guard and i'm not 100% sure what my mum does89. Do you like your age? No i want to be 18 asap 90. What makes you angry? Injustice 91. Do you like your own name? Robert? yes. Given name? fuck no. 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Nope 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? None lol 94. What are you strengths? Competitiveness, open-mindedness, self control when it comes to hurting others 95. What are your weaknesses? People pleasing, i dislike myself greatly which is probably a weakness, self control when it comes to doing something bad 96. How did you get your name? It came to my mum in a dream 97. Were your ancestors royalty? no but there was a knight who was also a poet, hatim al ta'i 98. Do you have any scars? y e 99. Color of your bedspread? I don't use any 100. Color of your room?

White

[dilutedapplejuice]

I expanded on this a bit (read: like 1000+ words).

TW: mentions of manipulation and gaslighting, non-graphic descriptions of mildly toxic relationships/people, mentions of ableism against autistic people

I hope this organization makes sense lol

I’m not only gullible:

-I take everything at face value. I consistently miss cues that someone might have ulterior motives (flirting, lying, gaslighting, etc) due to various issues (auditory processing disorder, disinterest in most conversation topics, zoning out, poor eye contact, trouble understanding body language and facial expression in the moment, etc). I’m often surprised when people talk shit about other people who they were so nice to in person.

-I can’t really “read the room.” I understand most of tone, but not the subtext. I just assume people have good intentions and will be direct with me if they have something they want. I know it doesn’t always work like that but I literally can’t process social situations any other way.

-I need extra time to process information. This includes my own thoughts and feelings. It also means I can’t really hold my own in an argument unless I’ve thought about it a LOT beforehand.

-I have a whole lot of compassion (whether or not it’s empathy is debatable). I can almost ALWAYS understand why other people act certain ways. Regardless of how genuine they are, regardless of how much they’re hurting me.

-I have it in my core beliefs to be open-minded. For me, that means I am always working to understand others’ POV. Even with religion and politics. Even when they’re not listening to my side.

-I tend to ruminate. When I hear something that challenges my worldview, I can’t just ignore it. I end up spiraling and questioning everything for a few days (while developing some very mild depression), during which I am very vulnerable to manipulation if it’s done right.

-My memory is truly poor. I forget details, especially when it comes to people. My emotions and sense of self are naturally volatile. Someone can be incredibly manipulative and I can feel the effects of it and be determined to stand up for myself the next time I see them, but by the next time it’s already forgiven and forgotten. I get imposter syndrome, and it gets worse when people make mean comments about me. All this makes it easy for others to gaslight me if I’m not careful.

-I tend to overshare. It’s part of my communication style and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But it gives others ammunition. I can hold back on this as a part of masking but it feels so static and sad- luckily I know all my close friends well enough to be able to overshare with few consequences.

-Guilt tripping really works on me. I hate not being helpful and taking up space; probably a result of growing up autistic and AFAB…

-Struggles setting boundaries. Yeah… same reasons as guilt tripping, plus I feel happy to give myself away. Some call it selflessness, idk what it really is.

-Black and white thinking makes it hard to see nuance in people. If it doesn’t fit my narrative of them I tend to go into a spiral about it (mentioned earlier lol). People are perfect until they’re not.

-I don’t understand drama and gossip. At all.

So yeah, it’s a lot.

I have been taken advantage of before. Nothing too serious:

-My first memory of being “manipulated” is my sister telling me that it says “gullible” on the ceiling and I looked up. I don’t think I actually got the joke until like 5 minutes later either so that’s just more proof. /lh

-I was once in a toxic friendship with someone in middle school. She would say mean things to me and it really made me upset, but I also had a lot of compassion and I knew she was also hurting. I stopped being friends with her but I felt bad about it for a few years. I think I also thought I was the mean one for a while, but idk if that was just my poor memory or gaslighting.

-There were 2 neighbors that only talked to me to play on my trampoline. I never had fun but they didn’t care much. I ended up kicking them out a week later after lots of deliberation and guilt, because it was getting cold outside and I would rather have been watching anime.

-I realized late freshman year of high school that my dad was low key queerphobic and verbally abusive to my family. I had to pick my words carefully not to make him angry sometimes, and I know my mom, sister, and brother did too. He’s probably autistic and internalized it in a “toxic masculinity” way. He’s gotten better about it, especially with me, but he still says some ableist and queerphobic things. My relationship with him is complicated but I can simultaneously understand some of his mentality, feel misunderstood by him, love him, and desperately want him to change without erasing his personality. It’s rough.

-My mom is aphobic and transphobic, and I thought she was perfect until a few months ago (despite her explicitly saying things like “you’ll find the right person” and getting nervous about me rooming with trans women…..)

-My sister says some ableist things about mental health and makes little effort to understand me. She has strong opinions and doesn’t give me much opportunity to form my own opinions or defend my own views. She views arguments and debate as a fight or a law case to win.

-Most recently, I was on a trip with some friends and apparently one of them was being passive aggressive and mean, and when she left everyone else started shit talking her. I only noticed one passive aggressive comment and decided to overlook it. I was really surprised to hear she had been rude a lot that time. I didn’t notice those cues and thought she was being normal. I then went towards being worried about her because she’s usually not like that, while my friend started bashing her character. I didn’t really say anything because I was still going through my memories of the trip to see if she had been mean or anything, then trying to form my own opinion on it, then decide if I should reach out to see if she was doing okay, then decide whether I wanted to tell my other friends to have more compassion (I’ve been put down for not agreeing with shit talk before. It sucks), then wondering if I was just overthinking it. That’s a lot to process and I only understand all that stuff a few hours later.

-and there’s plenty of other small examples, especially relating to my family.

Okay that’s about all I can really explain it right now. Basically I just don’t understand subtext in a functional way. Good thing I only have like 5 close friends and am aroace haha…….

Hmmmm. I’ve always known I’m gullible, but it’s only recently that I’ve realized the extent…

[evenmyzefronposter]

What even is Lily about?

I'm becoming convinced that I only really get on FB for the rants. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times, I am such trash, it's incredible. So today I had someone ask, which is totally reasonable btw, what makes you say Lily gaslighted Severus? And I am just chuffed to answer that question. Truly.

So, Severus did accidental magic when Petunia insulted him when they first met. Lily immediately turns on him and blames him for it. She just automatically assumes the worst of a person who had given her no reason to think badly of him (other than that he was obviously poor and she wasn't, but I don't know that that played in to it and if it did, I think it would be the topic of a whole nother blog). So he gets startled and insulted and Lily's automatic response is basically "what's wrong with you? Wtf is you doing?" To him! Not to her sister who was actually in the wrong, but to Severus. Later on, Petunia is mad at Lily for looking at the letter Dumbledore sent her, and again Lily puts that completely on Severus even though she was the one who had done it. It's this game of "let me make Severus think he's at fault because then I don't have to own up to anything." And Severus is just so desperate for some kind of kindness that he essentially goes along with whatever she says.

When they were at Hogwarts, she's seen trying to isolate him from his friends (ie his housemates, the people he lives with, the people who are supposed to be "like your family while you're at Hogwarts" according to McGonnagall). I've completely talked about this part before. She could have stopped hanging out with him if she felt they weren't a good match. She could have said something like "hey come to gobstones club with me" to give him a neutral place to meet other people with her, because that's the kind of thing that friends do together. Instead she just told him he needed to stop being around his own housemates which would leave him with only her as a friend. He is this poor, awkward, unpopular kid with very minimal social skills and she knows it. What else was he supposed to do? Oh. Right. Have only her as a friend.

When the Marauders actively try to kill him, she again turns the whole thing around on him, like he's crazy and he's in the wrong. She's all "you should be grateful to James Potter for saving you" totally ignoring the fact that his life wouldn't have been in danger if not for the Marauders 'prank'. She just refuses to hear his side of it, despite presumably hating James Potter and calling Severus her best friend. She even goes so far as to turn the whole thing back on him and his friends like "Bullying and attempted murder is one thing, but possible affiliations with dark magic? No, sir. Good day!"

During Snapes Worst Memory, she is smiling/laughing at what James is doing to Snape way before Snape calls her a mudblood. And again, she doesn't stop to consider that maybe Snape is angry and hurt and lashing out at anyone. And maybe her laughing at the Marauders' cruelty before defending her friend might have had something to do with who he chooses to lash out at first. It is always Severus' fault in her eyes, no matter what happens. And I'm not justifying his use of a slur because that is 100% Not Okay™️, but I also do not blame him for snapping at her. If he had used any other words, I wouldn't even question whether he was justified or not. (Idk why but I kind of like "i don't need help from a two-faced onion like her." I just really hate onions, Shrek notwithstanding.)

Anyway, yes. Some of that is just called 'being a generally shit friend.' Absolutely. But the isolation tactics, that's full gaslighting. And always turning things around on him, trying to make him think he's crazy or wrong in every situation is, again, a total gaslighter move. Like, I definitely understand the way Severus felt about her, but it's almost like she conditioned him to feel that way and then abandoned him to it. I doubt that it was calculated manipulation on her part because she was also a child, but it still comes across really badly to me.

And just as a bonus Lily rant, after she and Severus part ways for good, she is fine with Snape getting bullied. Like, we're told that James kept doing it behind Lily's back or something. But she's not stupid; she's always described as quite the opposite. And I don't get the impression that James is the type to do subtle very well. So she's still going, "I'm ok with dating this guy who is an utter ass to my poor, abused, socially awkward ex-friend who has been hanging out with the wrong sort of people as we, as a society, enter into a war. I'm sure that won't turn out badly for anyone." And hell, even if she legitimately did not know, she still knew that James used to do it. And she knew that he tried to bully her into dating him. And she still went out with him?? So, to summarise, I really just don't get this chick.

[one-abuse-survivor]

my mum is a jerk and is pretty emotional abusive and stuff and like sure i hate her bad moments but i hate the moments that aren’t even abusive more. like when she always tells me off for “storming off” or “cracking it” when she raises her voice at me and i leave so it doesn’t escalate and when i tell her that she doesn’t believe it at all. or how she’s always saying things like “i forgot i’m always wrong” “i’m the only one who does anything” “i did tell you, you just can’t remember.” or the constant raising her voice at everything i say. like i don’t think these kind of moments are abuse? idk for sure but it feels almost normal at this point. it just annoys me cause it feels like i can’t do anything right! and she tells me that too

Nonnie, I'd say many of these moments are indeed abusive. When you leave after she raises her voice so as not to escalate the situation, you're establishing a physical boundary and protecting yourself in a situation where you feel unsafe. That's the right thing to do—and everyone has the right to establish boundaries and protect themselves. By telling you off for that, she's punishing you for wanting to be safe when she's about to hurt you. That's an abusive behaviour.

The sentences “I forgot I'm always wrong” and “I'm the only one who does anything” are also indeed emotionally abusive. They're a form of guilt-tripping. She's making herself the victim to make it seem like you are the one hurting her by not constantly prioritising her needs, by having needs or boundaries that annoy her, by trying to hold her accountable for any of her abuse, etc. It's never okay for parents to throw around these words. If they truly felt like they're the only ones who do anything, there are many healthy and non-accusatory ways to change that family dynamic. And, let me tell you: the parents who constantly complain about being the ones who do everything usually aren't by far the only ones who do stuff. They're just trying to make you feel like everything you do isn't enough. The same applies to “you can't do anything right”. That's not helpful, constructive or kind—that's just her wanting to make you feel guilty and like you're worthless. That's emotional abuse. No one is worthless, but abusers will often do everything they can to make their victims feel like they are.

And “I did tell you, you just can't remember” is a textbook example of what gaslighting is. If you don't remember her telling you, and it's something important, then chances are she did not tell you at all, and she's lying and twisting reality to make you feel crazy and like you can't trust your own memory. Abusers often do this so they can have complete control over the narrative, and to further pain themselves as the victim of every situation and you as the one constantly hurting them (and, according to them, hurting them on purpose).

Lastly, no, it's not normal for her to constantly raise her voice at you. That's verbal abuse. Everyone's allowed to raise their voice every once in a while when their emotions are overflowing, but there's a difference between that and frequently letting out your anger and frustration onto someone else. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, nonnie. You're not her verbal punching bag.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all this, and that it's been so frequent and so normalised that it doesn't feel like abuse anymore :( it definitely is, and you deserve so, so much better than this.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

[wallyaxiom]

lose you to love me

t a g g i n g → wally axiom, josh axiom, jim hawkins and him

t i m e  f r a m e → present

l o c a t i o n →  wally’s apartment

n o t e s → i guess this is sort of therapy for both wally and i to release a lot ??? that’s been held inside for sometime ??? like actually releasing it into the abyss and letting it stay there forever and stop dwelling on it. idk a tik tok told me to let go of things so here we are. anyways i’m in pain as per usual 

You p r o m i s e d the world and I fell for it I put you first and you adored it Set fires to my forest And y o u let it burn

Wally had been through a lot in his twenty five years of living on this earth. he had lived through wondering why his birth parents had given him up, believing he had never been good enough. He lived through being not good enough for the Axioms and his own parents at time. He lived through the BNL gang and the abuse Runt subjected him to. They had lived through so much pain and heartache that when he showed up Wally believed that he had finally been gifted their happily ever after. But all his dragons weren’t slayed. in fact, more appeared into his life because of said knight in shining armor. 

Wally didn’t allow themselves to think about it. Like most things in life, it was shoved into the back of his mind left there to wilt and eventually fade with everything else they wanted to forget. There was a lot there, perhaps it was too full that this was the reason why these memories in particular kept rearing their ugly head. The night of their fight, their divorce, the day everything he knew for years finally falling apart. Those familiar feelings still lingered within his body, tainting his soul the same way they did back then. Wally felt like he needed to take a bath in that instance or anytime he thought about it but he knew no matter how many times the water washed over skin he couldn’t scrub him out. Wally knew exactly what was spawning these exact thoughts. It was his dreams finally coming true. For the longest time Well felt as though he didn’t deserve to have them. No, he was left to rot in a gilded cage provided by his ex-husband. a cage that was built around false hopes, lies, manipulation and gaslighting. 

Their relationship wasn’t always like this. In the beginning it was actually magical. Wally fell head over heels for him. they were so young, naive and so desperate to be loved. He believed he had found a soulmate in this person - a forever. It felt so right. Everyone believed they were the perfect couple and maybe they were for a while but that public image wasn’t the truth behind close doors. even now people ask what went wrong because to someone on the outside looking in everything seemed so fine. if only they knew. 

currently, wally was sitting outside smoking a cigarette. He stopped smoking them when he was seventeen. They’d like to say it was for their health but it’s actually because he told him to stop because he didn’t like it. He told Wally to stop doing a lot of things they enjoyed because they didn’t coincided with what he liked or what he wanted wally to be. So, Wally was smoking this one out of spite because he could do it now without being reprimanded or deemed a bad person but fuck did this cigarette taste awful. He couldn’t finish the damn thing and ended up chucking it to the ground, stepping on it afterwards to extinguish it. A little too forcefully at that. Watching the smoke float from the ground, wally was reminded of a old friend. a friend who meant everything to them. they used to do things like this together. this friend was someone who was like a brother to wally and maybe he did develop some romantic feelings for them in the long run. maybe because he could be himself around this person when his boyfriend expected him to be this person he wasn’t. maybe he developed feelings for this person because they knew he hated their friendship. Maybe because there was a lack of trsut from the start so why not do what was being perceived? maybe Wally had been doing this out of spite to this person from the start without even knowing it. He was only seventeen at the time. he was a broken mess recovering from a lot. Honestly, Wally was on a path of self destruction at that age so the feelings could have stemmed from that as well. Regardless of where they came from his outlet was ripped away from him. The friendship wasn't ended on his terms. No, it was out of jealousy. But of course the friendship would still live on in gulting words from his husband. A constant reminder that was held over his head despite it happening years ago. A way to guilt him to get wally to things for his husband. and maybe wally would give him that one. They weren’t exactly in the right there but still the pattern of losing friends was something that continued until the once social butterfly had no one but him to turn to. 

❝ You wanna know why I stick around?  Because I thought things would change, how many times have to told you I didn’t like how things were going and you didn’t do a damn thing to change any of it, you go and make it worse. ❞

The biggest loss they probably suffered throughout that relationship was Eve. She had been there long before him but she didn’t get the chance to stay in Wally’s life. she was shoved out once the two had gotten together. Her name that once brought so much joy and love was tainted with anger and bitterness that didn’t necessarily stem from him. They were perfectly placed and soon festeresr into something that didn’t belong to wally but him because he expected wally to feel the same way about eve that he did. 

❝ Well now that you’ve come out and said it, I’m gonna have to agree with you, this relationship is pointless when you think about it.  I want to leave because I just need to get away, I’ve had enough of all the shit that happens here.  Yeah, thanks for telling me about Eve coming back, with me gone you can just go back to her like you’ve been wanting to ever since she left. ❞

❝ No I’m pretty sure you broke up with me, you made that painfully obvious by the way you talk.  Really, I should be asking you those questions, you shouldn’t be asking me them. ❞

❝ Wally, I should be the one who believes you, but I just can’t, the way you are with her, hell even the way you are with Jafar, I just can’t.  If you can remain close friends with an ex you either are still in love with them or never were, and it sure as hell isn’t the second one.  I was willing to die for you and I almost did and you repaid me by trying to kill yourself and this. I love you more than you could possibly imagine but it just feels pointless half the time because I know you’re torn. ❞

Wally was never torn. The moment he picked him his heart was set on him. Eve became an ex and old friend but apparently she couldn’t be anything to Wally so that’s when she became nothing. Someone who had been with him for years soon because nonexistent in his life. As for his attempted suicide? Well, that had nothing to do with him either. it came from life leaving him hollowed and broken but of course everything had to revolve around him. Anything that was remotely wally’s always came back to him. Nothing could ever just be his. The moment they said ‘I do’ suddenly they became this morphed being of just one human. Wally wasn’t allowed to be his own entity. they were his husband’s property and at times that’s what he felt like. an object. Their breath hitched in their throat as the phantom touches of him graced his, waist, his hips and then some. The pulling. The grasps. The glares at others whenever someone would get too close. The overprotectiveness that was perceived as love but really it was possessiveness. The way their relationship became too physical that wally felt like a piece of meat at times. objectified. The way he felt used. Their body used. Their entire being used for him. but when wally tried to express themselves he was labeled a slut. he was shamed. their son was brought into it as another guilting factor to hold over wally’s head and god forbid their son ever seen their parent in the light that he did. 

Josh.

It was the only good thing that came out of their years together. Joshua Matthew Axiom was the light of Wally’s life. Perhaps the rest of the love they had for one another was used for that sweet little boy. It wasn’t just Wally who was affected by the storm he made. Josh was left in the aftermath as well but Wally didn’t allow his son to feel like he wasn’t good enough or it was his fault. He didn’t blame his son for halting his dreams. He allowed his husband’s dreams to blossom while he waited in the wings waiting for his chance to finally make his own dreams come true but that’s impossible when you’re put in the place of a stay at home parent. Wally refused to let Josh be tainted by him the way he had tainted them. Josh was too pure, too perfect, and too good for this world to ever feel the way Wally had felt. He’d be damned if he allowed it to never happen. Josh was Wally’s one perfect thing. The one thing in life he felt he had gotten right. Being a parent gave them purpose. It gave them hope and a light he thought was long extinguished. He wanted to be better for his son. He needed to be better for his son and by doing that he had to finally face the problems he had buried deep within. 

❝ I might always have shit to do, but I’ve always found a way to make time for you, but you never let me do anything that didn’t benefit you outright. ❞

with heavy footsteps, wally led himself back into his apartment

❝ I guess this is all my fault because I tried to spoil my boyfriend and husband.  But none of it is ever enough is it?  You constantly took me away from my schoolwork and yes sometimes I could multitask, but you should’ve understood that sometimes I have other things that are important too, not just you. ❞.

They stood there in the doorway for a minute. Blinking those long lashes of his against his golden skin. He hadn’t realized he had been crying until he felt the dampness coat his lashes. 

❝ We will lose everything if I lose this, but whatever, apparently that’s not important. ❞

In that moment all the pain they had been harboring for a year finally released. he didn’t cry when they fought. he didn’t cry when he filed for divorce. he didn’t cry when he left. but right now a sob wracked through his body that left wally hunching onto the floor, folding into himself as he bawled his eyes out in a way he hadn’t in a long time. For years he believed it was his fault. That all of the problems stemmed from him. Maybe if he had been a better partner things would have been better but it took wally a year to realize there was nothing he could do to change his ex-husband. He needed to fix himself and wally couldn’t do it. Wally wouldn’t do it. He needed to heal himself and that’s what he was doing. Healing. 

Wally was covered in scars he did nothing to earn but maybe there was a lesson to be learned. A lesson of self worth, value and love. A much needed lesson that Wally needed to learn. he couldn’t keep being dependent on people and giving all of themselves to people who didn’t care nor deserve his kindness. As much as he wanted to hate him Wally couldn’t. He resented him, sure, but hate is something his tiny body was incapable of. He was someone who was easy to forgive. This time was different though. His ex wouldn’t get the satisfaction of knowing if he was ever forgiven.

Wally didn’t know how long he had been crying. They were still curled up into themselves when their heard small footsteps pad against the floor in their direction.

“Papa?” the soft, angelic voice called.

Wally’s head lifted instantly, his forearms wiping away any remnants of tears that stained his cheeks. “Hi, honey.” they spoke softly to their son. They opened their arms wide and on cue the five year old ran into their parents arm hugging him tight. Wally buried his nose into the soft tuff of brunette locks before him holding his son close. In that moment it was as if every bad feeling that had erupted from him soon faded into the abyss. He felt lighter holding his son there in his arms. 

“Why are you crying?” the child asked, his voice muffled from wally’s embrace.

“Oh, I was just thinking about somethings but i’m okay now. I promise.” Everything was okay now. it had been for a long time and Wally had to remind himself of that. The hard times were long behind him. A new chapter was waiting to be written but it couldn’t be if he kept dwelling in the past. 

“Why don’t we watch some movies, huh? i’ll make popcorn, a tent and everything.”

“Can we invite Jim?”

their heart stopped. fluttered even.

“yes, baby. we can invite Jim.”

he became even lighter at that. Wally didn’t jump back into dating. In fact, they were fine being on their own. they had to learn to be fine on their own instead of feeling the need to have someone give them love. He had to find it within himself first before he went searching for it in someone else. they he came skating into his life and flipped his entire world upside down. This solar flare that burned so brightly that left him blinded and breathless. Someone respectful, kind and wonderful. He felt too good to be true but Jim restored Wally’s faith. He didn’t fix wally. No, wally did that on his own. But Jim reminded him that he deserved someone who treated him like human. They weren’t together but Wally would be lying if he said he didn’t feel something for him. It wasn’t love just quite yet. There was no rush to fall in love this time. instead, Wally chose to enjoy every little moment and if it happened then it happened if it didn’t, well, he was happy to have Jim in his life to teach him another valuable lesson about self worth. 

They healing wasn’t done. it wouldn’t would end in that moment of release but it was a start. It was a start for Wally to move on and allow themselves to be happy for the opportunity to be given. To feel like they deserved this and so much more. To be happy with themselves in general and look at life with the glass half full again and not empty. The cage that once trapped him was long broken. He felt more integrated with people again. He felt safe to have friends once again and all of it felt all too amazing to even describe. Wally was starting to feel like the person who had stepped foot into Elias seven years ago. A wide-eyed wanderer who, yes, was a little ripped at the edges but still had so much hope and love to give. 

He was becoming Wally Axiom again and no one could take that away from them.

Not again.

[surejo]

( victoria pedretti, cis woman ) hey ! have you seen JOSEPHINE “JO” CORMAC around ? SHE works at the HOT COCOA STAND at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 24 years old & they’ve been working here for TWO YEARS. they tend to be +OPTIMISTIC & +EMPATHETIC, but can also be -IMPRACTICAL & -PASSIVE. the other employees have labeled them THE IDEALIST. thanks a lot ! ( the few nights the stars can be seen, books worn down by dog-ears and marks left throughout the years, the first crisp breeze of autumn, the duality… of t.s. eliot ) 

OK. a few notes before i get started:

1) i hope everyone loves how i literally j copied my ivan stuff. url format? ‘sure jan’ lives on. theme? too lazy to find a different one that’s easy to work with. luv that for me. 2) speaking of this theme i forget if i addressed this on ivan’s blog but tabbed bullets don’t appear tabbed.... so if anything seems like it doesn’t make total sense.... it is supposed to be tabbed™. 3) get ready for drama!!!!! you may ask yourself “but the app looks so tame! there will be no drama!” but you are wrong........ because she loves cats. the t.s. eliot book......... the musical........ even the movie.

ok jo,, is also a resurrected character,,, hence how i already kno,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that she loves cats. anyway ! let’s begin ! (listen,,,, the intro format will at least be a little different from ivan’s ok im evolving)

QUICK FACTS:

full name: josephine “jo” rose cormac

date of birth: march 6, 1995

*does not perfectly reflect the below big three zodiac chart because that’s too much math

zodiac big three: pisces sun, gemini moon, cancer rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual ( preference for women bc we luv that for her but we also luv leaving things open to chemistry )

education: bachelor in english - literature that she is doing nothing with

enneagram: 2w1

mbti: infp

various inspirations: eleanor crain ( the haunting of hill house ), dolores price *as a child and towards the end of the book ( she’s come undone ), fox 8 ( fox 8: a story ), “why try to change me now?” - fiona apple (cover), “be still” - the killers

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: verbal/mental/emotional abuse/gaslighting, very slight implication of spousal abuse, brief mention of car accident/death & drowning

( ivan and jo’s breakout pop-punk single: “fuck happy backstories!” stream it on spotify ! )

jo......... was born into the wrong family, let’s get that out of the way.

it was pretty clear she was a ploy to save the marriage of her parents ( who have names: lucy and benjamin, luv that for them ). it didn’t seem like they’d ever picked up a parenting book, gone to a parenting class, rly prepped for being a parent at all...... in their entire lives.

that being said, her mom was actually decent at parenting. her major flaw, though? ok, so you know how kids usually have that one bedtime story that they love and want it to be read to them over and over? well lucy complied ! but y’all wanna know what that book was ?

t.s. eliot’s “old possum’s book of practical cats” whfeiuldjkn

anyway ! when jo was seven, after many failed attempts and simple threats, her mom was finally divorcing benjamin for realz. due to his volatile nature, it was becoming very clear that she was the more fit parent and she almost got sole custody ( the only reason benjamin was motivated for it in the first place was the power so?? )! how exciting!

but the keyword is ‘almost’!

alexa, play ‘my heart will go on’ but the off-tune flute version

just as the proceedings were going through, jo’s mother was hit by a drunk driver on new year’s eve. the car skidded onto some ice, minimal damage done... then the ice broke.

jo and benjamin both devolved after that. jo withdrew more into herself and pretty much coped by..... just reading old possum’s a LOT (hate that for her). all mopey, benjamin became much less outwardly violent. the keyword is ‘outwardly.’

ya, instead of j bein like “i will just chill” he was like “i will just make my rage more subtle because in this house, we love intimidation, manipulation, hostility, the blame game, and gaslighting! uwu” managed to convince jo that her mother’s death was somehow her fault, that he was the only person she could trust, that she will never be able to live without someone else, etc., etc.

a few years in and a cycle of many impromptu sleepovers began. luv that for her. hate that for her, but luv that for her. 

there is a lot i cld talk abt here, but it all seems like it cld j be tl;dr’d as: “basically became the surrogate daughter of a bunch of other people”

as for things that r not tragique™, jo was v much a drifter when it came to friends. managed to make a fair amount bc she does not seem like she will put a tadpole in ur hand like ivan. also j a people-pleaser but that’s starting to get into her personality which is another section.

did go to college. luv that for her. has NO CLUE what she’s going to do with her degree, but she can make some really sick niche william faulkner jokes. 

began seasonally working at big bear during the winter break of her last year in college because bitch needed some money!! wound up loving it and was like “i think,,,, i will continue to do this,,,, the people here,,,, r cul,,,,”

still visits benjamin every once in a while. not a way to say that uwu you should forgive ur abusive parent(s) uwu rather that jo.... still has slight belief in him. just to end on something emo.

THE REST IS HISTORY!!!!

TL;DR:

started life out as a saddie, not a baddie. still not a baddie, but no longer as much of a saddie. loves “cats” and there is no irony to that statement. can make good niche literary jokes, but that’s about it.

PERSONALITY/MISCELLANEOUS INFO:

a child. a literal child. a child to the point that she should have supervision when she goes on grocery trips because she falls for marketing ploys so easily. can’t believe she hasn’t fallen into a pyramid scheme yet.

an absolute dumbass. again, can make some great niche william faulkner jokes, but ask her the order of the planets? “...well mars is somewhere in there.”

unironically LOVES cats - both the musical and movie. thinks jennifer hudson’s grizabella is the best. will start sharing random facts about it or old possum’s book of practical cats if she runs out of things to talk about but feels pressured to keep talking. was broken when she first read a different t.s. eliot poem and realized he was actually super dark. the only thing that got her through it was a comparison to batman :\ bruce wayne is old possum’s, batman is everything else.

to take a brief break from fun personality facts, v down on herself bc benjamin’s words rly!! stuck with her!! convinced she is an absolute idiot and does not trust her own memory. v indecisive bc of this and always longs for someone to help her figure things out. tries to distance herself from memories of her mother because, again, benjamin got to her. her love of cats doesn’t help that, but... can you believe that’s her coping mechanism? makes up for it by giving all of her love 2 everyone else!! we love tragedy!! and needing to go to therapy!!

secretly knows her love of cats is weird and dumb. a part of her knows why it’s considered one of the worst musicals ever. but LISTEN. we luv rly weird coping mechanisms!

big dreamer. will develop the most impractical goals. she usually knows they are impractical, but still..... uwu

has decided everyone is good until proven bad! except for,,,, like,,, murderers and rapists,,,,

is #StraightEdge for the most part,,,, literally has a drink maybe three times per year

says “like” a whole lot for someone who majored in english with a concentration in literature and should therefore be more eloquent.

i am not great at these sections!! feel free 2 j refer to her zodiac, personality tests, and character influences!!

literally fox 8. i put the others there bc she’s similar but wow,,,, if u read fox 8 (it’s a short story i recommend it i luv george saunders u can find a pdf online),,,, she is fox 8. 

here u go here is a sample that doesnt need context: "Fox 4 woslike: No ofense, Fox 8? Your ideas are not super praktikal. Dreem, dreem, dreem, said Fox 11. Fox 41 woslike: Fox 8, does this honestly never get old for you?"

OH ALSO. she has a slet. a cat,,,,, named asparagus,,,, whom she calls “gus”,,,,, and y’all know WHY.

recent development: has downloaded tor so she can get on the dark web. why? because she thinks there will be more funny animal videos on there. is shockingly good at navigating it.

CONNECTION IDEAS:

close friends bc we luv that –– roman (nuanced), aylie (nuanced), hazel (nuanced), cleo (nuanced), vic (nuanced), marco (nuanced)

childhood friends whom she possibly had impromptu sleepovers with bc that is v soft and,,,,, y’all i left the city blank for a reason. –– hazel, marco, 

on that note, the person who was like “wait,,,,,,, u know that book was turned into a musical right,,,,,, like,,,,, a musical literally everyone knows” and shook jo’s world

good influence / bad influence –– cleo, vic, 

~*confidant*~

roommate

exes –– ian,

reciprocated pining

unreciprocated pining

someone..... who has accepted..... that she likes cats.... in a way that is not ironic. will see the movie with her. –– aylie, 

an enemy,,,,,, aka this person was like “cats is literally the worst thing in the entire world” and now they r on jo’s very short hit list –– riley

idk!!! im also obvs up for brainstorming!!! luv that!!!

** descriptive connections page is here ( only people who i’m messaging are on it, but i ?? would love to plot w everyone ?? so don’t make the short list make u think i’m trying 2 limit it 2 these ppl auhfoeidla )

LIKE THIS OR HMU TO PLOT !

[silenthillmutual]

I don't know if you're the right person to tell this to but I think my mom's emotionally abusive. She gets mad whenever I get upset at her and gaslights me(probably??) whenever I call her out. I tried to tell her that she never apologized for hurting my feelings and she responded with, "I don't have to apologize to you" and it just made me feel worse. My family's Christian and all but I'm scared to tell the pastor(or anyone) because I don't want her to get mad at me. Do you have any advice?

I guess I’m a decent source for that, and I’ve got enough spoons today to answer this! 

I’ll be honest with you, a parent reacting with anger whenever you get upset with them is never a good sign. The “I don’t have to apologize to you” response is definitely emotionally abusive, especially if it’s not a reaction in a vacuum; anything as an isolated incident is understandable since we all make mistakes, but this doesn’t sound like a one-off thing. 

I had a couple of friends help me through being gaslit myself; here are a few articles on the topic, all of which are pretty brief:

Were You Born Under the Gaslight?

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

a resource post from r/RaisedByNarcissists

I’m not a psychologist in any capacity, but having been through it myself and having sat down and watched a film adaptation from where the term hails, here’s a sort of brief rundown of some things gaslighters will do to their victims:

making attempts to isolate you (from friends, from family members, etc; ex, excessive monitoring of your communications with friends to the point of taking your phone or computer so you can’t contact them, although this may be done subtly)

telling you that you have traits or attributes that do not feel or sound like things you do (ex, telling you that you are “forgetful” or “tend to lose things” even when you are not a forgetful person)

accusing you of lying, whether directly or indirectly (ex. asking, “what did you do with x thing?”, not believing you when you say you haven’t seen it; then when you find it, saying something to the effect of, “so you did know where it was”)

saying things with emotion and then denying there is any emotion behind their words (ex. if they say something to you in an angry way and when you say, “don’t be angry,” they say, “i’m not angry” and look at you like you’re crazy)

making you look bad in front of others (this can be making you look like a jerk, making you look inconsiderate, making you look foolish, like a buzzkill, etc.)

taking on a tone to imply that you are scaring them, even when you have not done or said anything out of the ordinary (if you’re thinking to yourself, “i didn’t even have any emotion behind this, i didn’t even sound angry” and they’re reacting like they’re afraid you’re going to hit you? that’s gaslighting)

whiplash mood swings and honeymooning - quickly going from being angry at you to putting on a convincing happy act in front of others; “honeymooning” is when, after a period of abuse, they start to act really nice and considerate towards you, making you think that they’ve changed, or maybe they do one really nice thing for you as a way to “make up” for their behavior (this never lasts, don’t buy it.)

turning themselves into the victim of every situation (guilt tripping you, especially in situations where you are telling them that they have hurt you. parents really love this one; it’s the “oh so i’m a horrible parent” comeback to any time you’ve ever said “this really hurt my feelings”)

infantalizing you (another parental favorite)

upsetting you in public, covertly, so that only you are aware of what they have said/done

threatening you with institutionalization

Another big one that I don’t think I mentioned here because it’s not one that came up in the film is outright denying that something ever happened. We tend to assume that’s something we’d be able to catch outright, but the truth of the matter is that their lies start out small and they do all of these things above & more for the sake of putting you off balance and confusing you so that by the time their lies get to the level of things you should be able to look at and say plainly, “that’s not true,” you’ve gotten to the point where you feel like you can’t trust your own memory or judgement of things. 

I’ll give a couple examples because the list of potential things they could lie about goes between fairly small stuff to extreme stuff:

my mother claimed once that she was never on her phone during dinner

my mother claiming she’d never seen movies that not only did i remember her commentary on, but i’m pretty sure one of them we actually saw in theatres

her claiming i’d never told her things that i most definitely had told her before

combined with that one: lying about the last time we’d had contact; right before i cut off all contact with her i was able to actually screenshot the dates and times of the last time we’d spoken and send them to her

lying about actual historical facts; in my mother’s case: refusing to acknowledge that ABA had, since its inception, used aversives and was abusive in practices, was the foundation of the conversion therapy movement. i sent her screenshot and link proofs of this as well and she did not appreciate it

she also claimed that she never threatened to kick me out of the house and claimed that i promised her i would start therapy before starting HRT - neither of which are accurate or even remotely believable (you really think i’d up and move w two weeks notice halfway across the country if i hadn’t been kicked out? i have to laugh.)

Another one that did not really get shown well in the film but that I believe i’ve read somewhere and have personal experience with, is that they like to keep you traumatized. It keeps you in a state of like... uncertainty, I guess you could say. It keeps you from feeling completely lucid or in control of things, and more likely to need help and depend on them for continued support. They may also be likely to mess with your head in other ways, like with the use of drugs - and I don’t just mean illegal ones; parents who have control over your medication and make sure you take it do have to potential to keep you up on medications you don’t actually need as a method of control. (Both of these can actually be seen in use in the film Midsommar w/ the suicide ritual being a method of continued trauma and the constant drug use being...obvious. I’m sure it gets used in other places too but that was the first one to come to mind, and Aster does a really good job of showing how effective that shit is.)

I don’t really know what other religions rules are like when it comes to confidentiality. I was raised Catholic, and there was a certain understanding about priests and ethics that pretty much went that unless you had a warrant (and on top of that, a damn good reason; iirc there have been plenty who don’t even testify under oath) they weren’t to tell anyone what you told them in confidence. If you know anything about their ethics regarding that or even feel that you can ask them safely about it, it could be a good place to start if you feel that church community is one where you feel safe. 

The biggest roadblock tbh is age and...idk how else to put this other than status? If you’re a minor there is, unfortunately, not a lot you can do to get away from her or get her to stop - especially if you’re in a situation where she’s really your only parent. Which is sort of what I meant by status; do you have another parent or step-parent, sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc  you feel you could talk to about it? 

I really wish I could recommend school guidance counselors, but I’m not altogether sure they’re equipped with the right materials to help you out there. That being said, if you have a family member that you can trust to help you find a therapist outside of school, that would also be a really good resource; whether you’re an adult still living within that contact or a minor who can’t get away at the moment, a therapist can help you come up with some coping techniques to deal with it until you can safely get away. I’d suggest looking for one who specializes in trauma or in PTSD, esp if they have c-PTSD listed (the ‘c’ is for complex, which is a proposed addition(??) to PTSD that would separate a singular traumatic event from an ongoing traumatic situation like living in war zones, being a POW, domestic violence, etc). PsychologyToday has a search function for finding accredited therapists in your area that should list their specialties, credentials, and insurance plans they take. (And if you’re asked why you need one, honestly, extrapolate on a minor issue. Like tbh you could just say body image issues.) Therapists are bound by license-revoking ethics not to tell anyone what you discuss in therapy unless you are going to hurt yourself or someone else.

[If you feel you’re being monitored too closely at home and don’t have a way to get this information at school, I suggest asking a reference librarian to help you out. A lot of public libraries will have community resource information, and if they don’t have flyers or brochures out, reference librarians’ entire jobs are to help you access information whether that’s in the library or in the community! That’s why I work in LIS, lol.]

Other than that the two big pieces of advice I have are:

Build up a support network outside your family. If you feel you can’t trust them with this, or even if you’re worried about putting them in the middle of a difficult situation - and even if those aren’t concerns for you - it’s always good to have a support network that isn’t connected to the situation in some way. Most of my support network came from friends, a bulk of whom I knew from online, and from coworkers. The first person to tell me I was being gaslit was actually a coworker, who I talked to when I got kicked out and was shaken up about it. I had a p good relationship w my boss and all my coworkers there, so when I had to put in my two weeks’ notice I actually got an offer to stay with my boss in the event that the situation escalated, and also knew I could go and stay with my one of my best friends with their grandad, or their sister. In fact, right when that happened, my friends already had a kind of escape plan half-formed because things had just kind of been getting worse, and for almost a year now I’ve been living with my other best friend. Even if things never get to the point of you having to leave the house, just having people that you can rely on who will be on your side entirely is crucial to dealing with that kind of stress.

If you think or feel you may be getting gaslit - even if you’re thinking to yourself that you’re just blowing things out of proportion or that it’s “not that bad” (a lot of us go through that) - start keeping a journal of things your mother says to you. You don’t have to show anyone. Just keep it for yourself. It doesn’t even have to be anything important; like I said earlier, it can be as simple as off-handed comments about movies you’ve watched or appointments you’ve made or what have you. Write them down when they happen, date them, and then when she says something that you feel contradicts what you’ve already heard - you can fact-check it. You can also do this with screenshots if it’s over text or something, and if you think you can get away with secretly recording her on your phone that might help too. I don’t recommend telling her you’re doing this or pointing out when she’s been lying; in the event she doesn’t outright deny it she could flip it around to make herself the victim or spiral out of control and get worse - this is just for your peace of mind. The goal of gaslighting, to quote the movie, is to “systematically [drive] you out of your mind”. This would just be a way to reassure yourself that you’re not making it up, you didn’t forget, you’re not blowing things out of proportion. 

If you need anything more specific, feel free to let me know! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really just fucking sucks. But I believe you can make it! And there is an it - there’s an out, even if it’s hard to get to or takes long. 

[humourtalia]

[Hi, Admin here! I’ve put this under a cut because it’s long, and it's got some heavy stuff in there--look at the tags to decide if it’s safe for you to read. The following is what anon wrote, and my response will be signposted beneath. Okay, let’s go!]

*The submit box wouldn’t let me submit without a picture, so I thought this rant picture would be kind of appropriate?

Anon Submission:

Hi there! First of all, I wanted to thank everyone on the blog for holding this event, I’ve already submitted a couple of rants and it’s been super helpful to write things out and see what advice others may have. I wanted to use the submit for this one though because it may get a little long and I didn’t want to send several asks. Sorry in advance!

So I recently graduated from college and I’ve moved back in with my parents. I’ve noticed that my moods have really deteriorated since I’ve been home. Like I get into these funks and I tend to isolate myself until I feel better. They do pass, but my bad mental health days are awful. I’m not sure if I have depression or if it’s just a case of the blues coming by often, but sometimes it seems like every other day I have them. My parents don’t think I have depression, but I do wonder sometimes. 

My dad was raised “traditionally” and honestly, he’s pretty conservative (i.e he believes the mom should raise the kids and do house work and the dad should get an income, etc.) and honestly, part of me thinks that he believes his kids should be seen and not heard, or that he thinks he’s above me because I’m his daughter (or maybe because he’s a man, idk.). He sometimes also uses racial slurs and when I tell him not to use those words, he gets angry. A few weeks ago, there was an incident where he got a little physical when he was angry. It never happened before, so I was stunned. Like my mom and dad needed to resolve an issue on the phone and the company we called hung up on us. So, my dad calls them back and mimicked the loud, blaring sound that played when we got disconnected. I told him to stop it because I didn’t want him to deafen the person on the other line, but then he got mad at me. When he handed the phone over to my mom, he shoved me and then got into my face and told me never to “override him”. I thought he was going to hit me, so I was really scared. I talked to him about the incident, and apparently when I told him to stop he thought I was yelling at him? I don’t remember yelling at him as loud as he said, and part of me thinks he’s gaslighting me and trying to excuse his actions. He did end up apologizing for upsetting me, but it felt insincere. Like he said “I’m sorry you took offense”. He also kept making excuses for his behavior, like he was in a hurry and that he couldn’t say excuse me when he was on the other line and that apparently I was yelling at him. He said that he still loved me, but that wasn’t my main concern. I’m afraid that anytime he gets mad now, he’s going to use intimidation tactics on me and the whole thing just leaves an icky feeling inside of me and I’m having a difficult time moving past this bad memory. And honestly, he just seemed to want to move on from it. Almost like he was being kind of dismissive? I’m trying to remember that my dad is human and that he makes mistakes, but I don’t want to excuse his behavior either. I feel bad for dwelling on it because he’s done a lot of good for me like paying for college and financially supporting me and encouraging me but it’s just hard to see some of his less than ideal qualities. I don’t feel like I got all of the closure I needed from talking about the incident, and I kind of want to talk to him about it again, but I don’t want to open a can of worms.

My mom wasn’t happy about the incident either but the thing with her is that she treats me as her personal therapist sometimes. Like anytime she has a problem with my dad, she’ll talk to me about it (this is probably at least partially because my dad loves to avoid conflict and he doesn’t like talking about issues. Also he tends to dismiss things sometimes.). She makes excuses that her mom (my grandma) told her about her own marital problems, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. My mom constantly sees my grandma anyway because my mom is basically my grandma’s caregiver. Like my grandma is very dependent and now that my grandpa has passed away, my grandma relies on my mom to help out. It seems like my mom doesn’t live for herself, only doing things for other people. She doesn’t really have any hobbies, she just kind of vegetates when she has free time and watches TV or eats or buys stuff off of ebay (which I introduced her to). So now the house is cluttered and despite saying she’ll purge, my mom never does. And that has also caused friction in the house because my dad complains to my mom about how messy the house is and then she complains to me.

I feel obligated for my mom’s happiness because she claims that I’m the only good thing in her life and honestly, I feel like she would be a lot happier without me. She basically gave up her life to raise my sister and I and I feel like she solely identifies herself as a mother. Nothing else. Like if she doesn’t have someone to take care of, she’s lost. I feel like by being born, I robbed my mom of her life and happiness because she always had to look out for her kids and she didn’t do anything for herself. Without me, I feel like my mom and dad would have gotten out of their failed marriage sooner but I don’t think they’ll ever divorce now. I’ve told both of them that I wish they’d never had me but they both insist that they love me and they’re happy to have me. I still feel like a burden though. When I have my bad mental health days, I just want to sleep forever. I’ve asked my mom not to tell me about her marital problems, but then I feel bad for leaving her to fend for herself because she has no one else to talk to. She also continues to talk to me about her problems, but it’s tiring and it usually sours my mood. So for now I just try to tune her out when she complains.

Moving out isn’t an option right now because of housing costs and the fact that I don’t have a paying job yet. But I’m working on getting one though! In the meantime, I can help my parents with cooking and cleaning, even if they drive me up a wall sometimes. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this, I would really appreciate it, but if not, I think that just writing everything down has done wonders for my mood. Again, thank you so, so much for holding this event. I really appreciate the place to vent and I hope you all have a happy 2019!

Admin’s response:

First things first, I am so sorry about all of this. It’s a really difficult situation, and I’m not sure how much I can help, but I’ll try! At the very least, I’m glad writing it out helped.

Putting my psychology hat on, I can’t say for certain you have depression, but it seems very likely to me. What makes me think that are your feelings of guilt and fatigue (i.e. seeing yourself as a burden, wanting to not exist). Those are very worrying thought patterns, and tend to come with depression. Combined with the low moods, it’s pretty clear you’re suffering a depressive episode.

Fortunately, it sounds like it might be temporary--at least at this severity--rather than lifelong. What I mean by that is that it’s been triggered by a life event, and that means you have a good chance of recovery. The general life event is obvious: moving back home and being caught in the middle of your parent’s problems. More specifically, I think it might be the fact that you’re unable to talk these things out with anyone. Your father dismissed you, and your mother has issues that you don’t want to worsen by piling on your own. However, when you can’t talk about your emotions properly, you can’t process them properly, and your mind struggles to carry around open wounds like that. It doesn’t know what to do with all those unresolved emotions, so it shuts down, and you get a low mood.

The immediate solution, then, is to talk this stuff out. Mum and dad aren’t options, but any good friends would be perfect. If you don’t want to share with them, though, I’m happy to hear your rants. Whatever helps you to get them out, process what you’re feeling, and allows you to move on.

(However, if this explanation doesn’t sound right, and you don’t think it matches up with what you’re going through, that’s okay. This might not be the right explanation, but there is one! This is just one possibility based on what you’ve told me.)

As for what to do about your life situation, that’s incredibly difficult. Your father’s escalation in his behaviour is deeply worrying, and you should not feel bad for dwelling on it at all. Humans make mistakes, yes, but good humans own up to them. By the sounds of it, he didn’t. Just because he’s financially provided for you, it doesn’t mean you owe him the benefit of the doubt. As a parent, providing for his children is his responsibility. It’s a duty he has to you, not a gift he gives to you. You’re allowed to be critical and wary of him, and given what he did, I think it’s incredibly appropriate to be. You seem like a good person, who wants to challenge his immoral behaviour, but don’t do it if it puts you in danger. You need to focus on keeping yourself and your mother safe.

Speaking of your mother, I know it’s really difficult to care for someone else’s mental health when your own is in tatters, but I think it’s important that you do. Even if you nod sympathetically throughout her complaints and do nothing else, that’s helpful. She’s clearly going through so much, and she needs support just as much as you do. Hopefully, if you can take care of yourself, you should have more energy to help her. This is horrible to say, but as an ulterior motive, if things do escalate further with your father, having her on your side could be a lifesaver.

As for the guilt you feel about your mother, you needn’t feel it. A mother feels accomplished if she can give her children a better life than she had. It sounds like she’s proud of you, proud of what you’ve done with your life so far, and that is why you’re the one good thing in her life--because you are the proof that it all wasn’t in vain. I think as well, perhaps, that the potential for your parents to divorce is still there. Sounds weird to say that like it’s a good thing. Once you move out, that may make your mother reconsider staying with your father, since the thing tying them together is now gone. And this is really horrible and morbid to say, but your grandmother will one day pass away, and your mother will regain some of her independence again. Life doesn’t end when you settle down and have kids, there’s still potential for her to do plenty more with hers.

Anyway, overall, I just want to say props to you for dealing with all this--your parents problems, as well as your own. And the fact that you’re still working on getting a job and helping around the house despite all of this is so impressive. You are strong, and resilient, and you will recover. If you can live through this, you can do absolutely anything. I am so proud of you and like I said, I am always willing to hear you out if you need to rant. I hope you have a much better 2019 <3

[newf0undnirvana]

My stepdad came to me 2 months ago and said "you cant ever stop talking to your mom ok. You cant ever go no contact like your sister, it would break her, please just, be patient with her, try to stay in her life ok"

And im like ??????? Ok???? Never planned on stopping talking to my mom .. but alright? Like u do understand the narcissism and gaslighting and controlling etc i have endured since I was a kid us what makes me avoid her right? And he completely invalidated me saying its all about perspective. Lol

And now Im learning that they reversed their plans to move to BC (which they were sooo excited for, my mom wanted to live near her brother) and now are fighting so much that they want to separate. Barely talking. They're both popping pills qnd drinking a box of wine on a daily basis just to not go psychotic on eavhother and they dont remember a THING you tell them. which then becomes being gaslit because obviously IM the one not remembering correctly and putting words in their mouths right..

We had the biggest blow out a week ago. over repairs im supposed to do to their bathroom in our rental house. We estimated 7-10k value for a regulsr homeowner for this reno, its an entire gut job. I told them i can do it for them for closer to 5-7k. They literally picked tile, looked at vanities, we talked about expanding the back wall to make it bigger because i already habe to rip the drywall down. But apprently they dont remember any of that. they lost it on me for an hour because they think me asking them to pay for my labour, (minimally, might i add, this is literally a 2 week job to gut and refinish a bathroom that was mouldy) is unacceptable and rude and disrespectful. Apparently because shes my mother she should get a 9k bathroom reno for 1200 dollars lol and do no work towards it. And even though we agreed on price MONTHS ago, their memories are fucked and now im being gaslit and blamed for them not remembering agreeing to this reno at all! She then compared me to her sociopath brothers qho abused her for her whole life, because i GAVE HER A BILL. which wasnt even a bill, it was 3 sheets of paper where i did my math to get my price.. i took regulsr price, and divided it by 4. Shes paying a quarter essentially by my math. But they would barely even look at it, they were just astounded that i was asking to be paid for my time. I lost it on her, they kept cutting me off, agruing with me, disputing whats been said, not even reading the numbers, and I told her maybe if they werent so fucked up on booze and pills all the time theyd fucking remember our conversations about this. I made her cry. Apparently it hurts her feelings that im expecting her to pay for this reno and i dont want to do it out of the goodness of my heart. Like I do feel bad that i hurt her feelings eith my blow outs that night but its not my fault that she doesnt remember OKing this reno and now shes upset that i dont like her enough to do it for next to free. When we already agreed on cost!!

So she left that night in tears saying i guess we dont have the relationship I thought we did. And im confused like idk what relationship YOU thought we had, but the one I KNOW we had is the one where you get the perks and i get shat on. i used to bend over backwards to help. To take care of the dogs and the kids, her house when shes away, to be her therapist for hrs anytime i visited, to make sure you dont get sad and kill yourself or lose your shit on me and the other kids cause rhat the life I qas used to growing up. The last 3 years shes hurt because i respect my own boundaries now. I dont drop what im doing the second she texts me to do something for her, i say no, and suddenly now im selfish and mean. We have no relationship. You dont call or text asking how im doing, how work is, how my dogs are, if anything in the house needs repairs. Because you dont care about anyone but your fucking self. If you text me its to passive aggressively call me out for not coming over in the last 2 weeks. I ran intocher a petsmart and i from her i got "oooh so i gotta go to petsmart to see my daughter huh?" And from my step dad i got "ahhhaaaaaa im so fucked up rn. I almost died last week on these pills sp im taking less but whoooowee im fucked up" and HE was driving.

Im done man. Im 26 years old. Im not a child anymore and I'm tired of being treated like it but only when it works for her narrative.

[gothreigen]

edward shouldn’t trust his mum to tell him the truth after years of untrustworthy behavior: more news at 11

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi this is kind of a rant but could i also have some advice?

The past month or so we've had the police and social care at our house as ive been reaching out to my tutor about things happening at home. When the police spoke to my dad, they were actually quite forceful with their words and werent scared of angering him (unlike others who came to our house) so it was a shock for him. Towards the end of the conversation, it kinda focus on me and my mental health, to which they all started collectively agreeing that i have autism. (One the the officers kids has it and they saw similarities) i totally understand thst though, and have been suspecting it myself but it felt like they were dismissing all that ive said because of it. Idk i understand its probably my anxiety telling me it but because my dad is a very literal person too, ik he took it as 'ive not done anything wrong, its her fault cos she misunderstands things and im not in any way shape or form the person to blame'. (He, in fact, proved this, this morning)

But idk i try not to spiral because, i know what happened to me, clearly and fully, but what if the combination of what dads saying and one of the symptoms of autsim are to blame? (The symptom of having disproportionate reactions) like, what if that affected my memory of what happened because i feel things more intensley and it just means dad was right all along? It just makes me rethink everything ngl. But on the other hand, talking with him this morning proved a lot of things, that, he knows what hes doing, in terms of, hes aware that him telling his 'diluted version' of an incident and playing it off as truthful is affecting them from truly believing me. I feel like im close to the answer of it, like, its either ive been percieving it all wrong and hes right, or, hes been masterminding the whole thing and knows how to play it to get into the least trouble.

Sorry that its quite long and ranty, im just hoping you could help me understand it a little more, i mean like, is it gaslighting? Or something like that, that hes doing to me to make me feel insane?

Hi! First of all, I’m really sorry this happened, and that they used your possible neurodivergence to invalidate and dismiss your point of view. I’m glad you know what happened to you clearly, even if sometimes it's hard not to spiral and wonder if there's another explanation for the way you feel where he's not abusive.

As far as I'm aware, neurodivergences don't change one's memories. At all. They might affect the way you perceive certain situations, like you said, and you might have reactions to certain things that are different from neurotypical people's and seem disproportionate. But that doesn't mean you're somehow causing yourself trauma from abuse by interpreting your dad's actions the wrong way. When it feels like this is what you're doing, that's usually a sign that you've been gaslit or emotionally abused into believing your abuser's behaviour is justified and/or your traumatic reactions and emotions are unreasonable.

And as you said, during the conversation you had the morning you sent this ask he proved he dilutes the truth to remove guilt from himself, so I really think that's what's going on here, nonnie. By trying to remove all guilt from himself and justify his behaviour at all costs, he's knowingly making you feel like you're making things up. That is gaslighting.

And questioning whether your own perception of reality and memories can be trusted is a sign that you've been gaslit, and not a sign of neurodivergence. So, yes. I would say he is gaslighting you.

And, nonnie, even if it turns out you're autistic and it's causing you to have disproportionate reactions to certain situations, that doesn't mean your needs don't need to be met anymore and that you should just put up with situations that hurt you. There's no "maximum" or "standard" of needs that a parent needs to meet, where the moment their kids' needs go anywhere beyond that it's suddenly unreasonable to ask parents to meet those needs. Even if it is autism making some of your dad's behaviours especially painful for you, you still deserve to establish the boundaries that YOU need in order to be safe and comfortable, and have them respected.

In other words: even if your dad's behaviour ONLY felt abusive to you because of autism, his behaviour would still be abusive to you. Because he would still be doing things that hurt and traumatise you.

Sending all my support your way, and wishing you the best of luck with social care and the police ❤️

[one-abuse-survivor]

Ice anon - my sister apologized for being a jerk to me in the past, yet she still says I was the same to her and that the reason mom only told me about always being player 1 was cause that's all she knew about, idk whether to believe her or not. She seems to be telling the truth, but idk. It also occurred to me that she sometimes has hallucinations and idk if that means anything or not, but I still don't remember ever doing any of those things. I'm so conflicted on if it happened or not

Hi again! I'm glad she apologised, but sorry she's still insisting you've hurt her as much as she's hurt you.

By the sound of it, there's a good chance she genuinely believes you've hurt her in the past, whether she's hallucinated it or not. And if that's how she remembers things, that's okay. We all experience things our own way and we're allowed to be affected by the things we go through as we experience them.

But what's not okay is for her to keep bringing back the pain she feels you've caused her and use it as an excuse to treat you however she wants now. What's not okay is for her to justify constantly overstepping your boundaries and hurt you because “you've hurt her too so it's okay”.

At the end of the day, I think the only thing you can do is trust your instinct. Trust your memories. Whether she's purposefully gaslighting you about the past or retelling things as she remembers them, your version of the past is equally as important as hers, and you're allowed to trust your own memory over her word. What matters is who you are now. And right now, you're not hurting her or overstepping her boundaries around you, nor do you have any intention to. That's the version of you you're accountable for now, nonnie, not who you were as a kid.

But she is hurting you now. She's not just setting boundaries with you to protect herself, which would be okay. She's justifying overstepping yours. You don't have to put up with that, ever, regardless of the past.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️