#idk i'm just exhausted and upset and extremely conscious of time passing.

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

feeling a certain species of hopeless today tbh

the last couple weeks have been rough despite a few really good changes happening...but man today was. a lot. and i have a ton of shit to worry about next month too

[deeorzies]

really long vent that I have no where to put please ignore

i love my sister so so much but sometimes it is truly so fucking exhausting being around her. we've been hanging out all evening and like. she's understandably one of those queer cis women who shit on men constantly and I do that bit too but she includes me under the umbrella of men and she doesn't differentiate between cishet men and queer men, including trans men/transmascs in general and it truly deeply upsets me like it makes me so exhausted and sad because I love her so so much but like. she will truly never understand how much she hurts me when she compares me to her picture of cishet men. whenever I try and communicate that I don't like it when she does shit like that she back tracks and gets defensive. this is gonna sound so unserious but like an example is she constantly compares my wardrobe to Adam Sandler and idk why but it really truly annoys the shit out of me especially because I really don't feel like I dress like him at all I'm just a masc person who wears baggy clothes because I'm not a skinny little white twink I'm a big hairy fat person (a fact of which I am proud tbc) and I don't get to dress revealingly without feeling self conscious or risking my safety. like I don't have the privilege to dress cunty no matter how much I want to so i end up dressing in baggy clothes and still try my hardest to look fashionable when I can. I just tried to get it across to her that I hate it when she compares me to adam Sandler and she was like "oh well I don't mean it in a bad way. you just dress baggy." even though I know for a fucking fact in the past she's made fun of me for the way I dress and has used the comparison to Adam Sandler as a vehicle to insult the way I dress and I said as much and then she was like "oh well I insult everyone I love like that" and it's like. hrrrnnngg. true. yeah. that doesn't make it okay. it still makes me fucking furious. please stop doing it. this is like the three millionth fucking time I've tried to get you to stop insulting me and my extremely queer and trans masculinity by associating me with cishet men. you KNOW I am not one, you KNOW I have little to no real connection with cishet masculinity and yet you still treat me like that. I shouldn't have to explain my entire fucking gender to you for you to get it through your head that I don't like being talked about like I'm a cis man but it's getting to the point where I feel like I have to pick a non binary or gender queer equivalent label so she fucking understands that I'm NOT a man, which I abhor the idea of because I'm legit allergic to labeling my gender, and even if I did lie and say I were gender queer she would still treat me like a cis man because I look like one KIND OF. like I am already trying my hardest to walk the line of visibly queer and also cis passing enough that I don't raise eyebrows from strangers or my family and you deciding to completely ignore that is so so hurtful. what's more is that I'm pretty sure she does this as a way of trying to affirm my gender too which makes it even worse ?? like it's such a "I'm such a great queer ally !!" kinda behavior. and !! it's all the more hurtful especially because she's one of the people I feel like knows me the best in the world ?? and then I get the rudest awakening that oh, wait, no ! she fucking doesn't ! and no matter how much I try to explain to her, she never will !!! ok !!!!!!!!!!! shooting my transgenderification ray at her so we can be close and it not be exhausting. this is too much like my relationship with my goddamn mother.