#idk i know i havent had this blog long but ive been a part of this fandom is other & less obvious ways for some time | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

heartlites · 8 months ago

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i had a dream where a mushroom grew under my skin, i did a tarot reading, my inner self is collapsing, and the therapist ive been seeing for approaching a decade is looking to retire from public facing/work with clients in the next one to two years.

back to using my blog as a little bit of a dairy these days, i suppose

there's just so much on my mind. im aching from the inside out, like i need to throw up to get all the grief out of my body.

in the last week, i had a dream that felt poignant. ive been dreaming kind of vividly the last couple weeks, things that have stress bleeding into them. normal dreams turning into what i do for my job, benign things becoming mild forms of body horror.

the dream in particular im referring to was one where i felt like i had a kind of sore on my left armpit. i went to 'pop it,' like perhaps it was an ingrown hair or simple black head. as it came out, the mass slowly got thicker and larger, a milky white and genuinely gross. i was shocked and appalled something so seemingly large came from such a small place, just a pore in my skin, and slowly rolled it between my fingers in bewilderment. as i did, parts of the white cylindrical shaped mess that came from underneath my skin started to unfurl and i began to recognize the the unfurling cap of a mushroom and eventually the gills underneath the cap. as soon as i recognized that, i immediately felt insanely ill inside my own body and like i was rotting from the inside out. i woke up not long after that with the need to tear my skin off my own body. the dream sat with me for a long time with its vividness and how grotesque it made me feel inside my own body.

that weekend, i did a tarot reading. five cards. it began with a major arcana, strength, upright. a strong beginning and one that gave me comfort; strength is a tarot card im very partial to in general because its depiction is one of gentle, inner strength and wisdom. i felt assured- but then the reading from there got more and more complex.

ace of coins, upright; seven of cups, upright; seven of swords, upright; six of swords, reversed. the cards all feel very connected given the bridge of sevens, and the next link being sword into sword. there are parts of the reading that confuse me still, but ultimately i think it meant that inner change is coming, or trying to happen, but im fighting it and it wont be easy.

monday came. a woman screamed at me over the phone at work. i spent the day so overwhelmed with grief, emotion, and distress my eyes were puffy and burning from crying. my nose was sore. my throat hurt. all i could think was i needed help. i needed help. i needed help more than twice a month. i wanted to admit myself to a psych ward.

before all of this, i saw my therapist last week. we talked. i usually lead the conversation a lot and i end up just rambling, sometimes crying. usually crying. i've been seeing my therapist for so long that i know a little about her life, too. i mentioned that i think i wanted help with someone for my thoughts and feelings wrt my gender and gender expression. its not really her area of expertise (hers is grief and trauma). we talked a little more and we discussed a little about how she is considering retiring from the public work of working with clients. she'll still run her business, but probably won't take clients.

its not a change that scares me too much, but it is a little nerve-wracking. ive been seeing her for so long, since i was about 19 or 20. my dad was the one who sought out help to help me find her. i havent had to search for a therapist entirely on my own. its hard to know where and who i want to try to search for cause i do have this background need of wanting help with my queerness and id love to have a queer therapist, but in general, i am plagued constantly by grief, trauma, and loss. idk how to find someone who does both. im worried. im scared.

my life feels so out of my control. i feel so isolated from everything, everyone. lost in my own head. i just ache ache ache. i dont know what to do with myself. all i can think is that i need help, i need help, i need help and i dont know what to do to get it, who to go to, how to get it. ive been going through the throes of ptsd episodes the last few weeks, maybe month.

this doesnt even dig into my concerns and worries about my physical health, too. ive had pretty normal menstrual cycles my entire life minus one point in time where i didnt have a period for several months, i believe due to stress. the beginning of this year, though, i didn't have my period for a while too and then i started having light bleeding that went on for around two weeks. then, all of a sudden, this week, ive had the heaviest period ive ever had in my life.

my mom had the same issues around my age. i think its probably ovarian cysts which are ultimately pretty common and not terrible to deal with. my mom had them too- but then she later had cervical cancer. i have to finally give in and have an exam done for my health, but my god am i scared. i dont want to. i really dont want to. i know im going to have a ptsd meltdown when i do. i know. and i dont know how well i can manage having these ptsd episodes where part of them are due to emotional and psychological trauma, and then more episodes rooted in my sexual traumas. idk what im going to do. im so scared and i feel so alone facing all this on my own. i dont know who to turn to or talk to.

im so tired and broken. thats all i can think. i need help. im breaking, im breaking, im broken.

#lot of personal shit #mild body horror dream; religious stuff; my physical and mental health; etc #tl;dr im not good mentally or physically <3 lol

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sentientgopro · 11 months ago

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Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

#196 #personal logs

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fallout-mars · 4 years ago

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#does anyone else want to completely cut themselves off from an aspect of their life like every few days #thats relevant to me in a lot of ways #but. Riverdale #and im not just talking about sh/bh/the mess it is/the writers #bc while all that is true. Its just all of it #idk i know i havent had this blog long but ive been a part of this fandom is other & less obvious ways for some time #i made this account on a whim mainly bc of my writing #and as much as i love it here and i love interacting with ppl who like the same things as me and read my work and all that #fandoms stress me out #ive been in other fandoms before this one #ive been in fandoms of real ppl before and ive been in fictional things fandoms #never one thats lowkey combined #i know a lot of you here *prefer* bughead #but a lot of us liked bh AND sh #and i think when its combined like that it can be difficult to untangle them from one another #so its confusing #but even without that there is so much that goes on with this show and this fandom (riverdale & bughead) that i just. Stressful #so often i find myself wanted to completely cut myself off #that includes all social media and fics #i love writing though and i love writing bughead #theyre what got me into writing in the first place #idk i feel weird about everything and life in general #idk what id do without riverdale (as shit as it is) and bughead #ive had a loss in my life recently and its so easy just to focus on something else #i think im struggling with life yknow #and im rambling so ill stop now #big talking in tags #feels more anonymous this way #~the end

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probably-haven · 3 years ago

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Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should.

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can. Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it.

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows.

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over-

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings. I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is.

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other- Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action.

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways.

-Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though.

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips.

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself.

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt. - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing.

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth. - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced.

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that.

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead.

#genshin impact #genshin xiao #genshin venti #xiao #venti #xiaoven #genshin analysis #genshin headcanons #xiaoven headcanons #xiaoven analysis #this is a mess i really shouldnt be putting all these tags but oh well #oh wow the grammar and spelling here is truly repulsive #sorry to all my english teachers i have failed you all

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pigstepmp3-moved · 4 years ago

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holy hell, gamers, i finally reached one whole thousand followers! how bonkers is that! when i first made this blog in december 2018, i was just trying to start over in a new fandom. ive been active on tumblr for a looong time (since i was like 11, which is. not great, but we wont get into that). i cant remember quite why i decided to remake, but i never imagined getting a higher following than i did before, but i did! 1000 followers is bonkers, i’ve never had a thousand of anything! i seriously cant thank each and every one of you enough, whether you followed me for 911 or for mcyt or for whatever!

now, since ive reached this absolutely bonkers milestone, im feeling particularly sappy! so under the cut, i have some friends and mutuals tagged who are super great n who are always an absolute pleasure to see on my dash! <3 again, thank you all so much! (ps, if we’re mutuals and i didnt tag u in this, that doesnt mean i dont love and appreciate you!! i mostly am just picking people to tag based off how often i see them on my dash! i love all of u so much <3)

♡ 911 FRIENDS ♡

(aka the ogs, aka the fire fam)

♡ @lovelessmotel ♡ emily!! god, where do i even begin with how much i love and adore you!! i know youre one of my big sisters, but wow i am so proud of how much youve discovered yourself since we’ve met!! like wow, look at this epic, gorgeous person whos one of MY close friends! im so lucky to be friends with you! thank you so much for being my friend, i appreciate you and all the sisterly advice you’ve given me more than i can ever put into words!

♡ @eddiediaz-buckley ♡ sav!! mom!! i love u so unbelievably much!! i am so unbelievably grateful for you and everything youve done for me! all the advice youve given me and all the times youve let me vent to you have been so important to me and i cannot thank you enough for all that. im soso appreciative of you and im so glad that i have someone as amazing as you as my mom/big sister (we’ll never really figure out our fams family dynamics, will we?) (ps, whenever i go outside and have my keys with me, its always so comforting to feel the keychain you got me! its like my moms with me everywhere i go!)

♡ @liesoverthec ♡ bonbonbonbon!!! i love you so much, you wouldnt BELIEVE how much i love you!!! im so glad we met bc you are so unbelievably kind!! there is a very good reason a nickname for u is bonbon bc you are just as sweet as candy!! maybe even more so!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, you give such wonderful advice and talking to you always makes me feel a million times better!! i love you and i am soso glad i get to call you my friend!

♡ @marauder-girl ♡ sabsabsab!! i love u so much, u funky lil future lawyer!! im so proud of u and i can hardly believe ur gonna be my Lawyer big sister!!! thats so awesome!! i cant believe such a rad person is one of MY friends!! how lucky am i!! i love having you as one of my big sisters, youre so kind and funny and talented and your advice has always been so helpful to me too! thank you so much for being my friend and for always being there for me!!

♡ @nighting-gale17 ♡ cait, my love, my wifey!!! wowowow i love u so much!!! im so glad we’re friends, you are so unbelievably lovely!! youre also so unbelievably talented like??? hey queen wanna hand some of ur writing ability over to the unfortunate (like me). i’m so glad we’re friends, youre so sweet and even tho we dont talk as much as we used to, i still have SO much love for you in my heart

♡ @africaneuropean ♡ rae, my father!! i love u so much!! i know we havent talked at all in. who knows how long. but i still have so much love for u in my heart!! you are so iconic and cool and funny, im so glad i met you n became friends with you!! ur one of the coolest people i know, i hope i can be as cool and mysterious and wonderful as you one day

♡ @evaneddie ♡ DHYL!!! dhyl pickle i love u so much!!! whenever u pop into my inbox with random nice messages, every part of me lights up!!! u are so kind to me and for what!! i miss talking to u as much as we used to, you are so sweet and you are such a good friend!! i love u n im SO proud of how far youve come with gif making, i still remember when u first started n youve gotten SO amazing at gifs lately!! i love u soso much n im so glad we’re friends, youre so awesome!!!

♡ @basil-the-writer ♡ des!!! i love u so much!!! i know we’ve never rly talked all that much but im glad we have interacted in the ways that we have!! u are so sweet n so talented!! like the fact that u have the patience for those lil video edits u do?? that is so cool!! all ur edits are so cool, i cannot imagine being able to make stuff like that without dying every single time. u are so cool n i love being able to call u my friend!!

♡ GRIFF ♡

(aka griff)

♡ @yawnralphio ♡ u get ur own section bc u are my only 911 friend who isnt an og, but thats ok bc u are so swaggy!! i love being friends with u griff, u are so cool and funny and i am so glad that u still want to be friends with me despite all of the horrifying things u’ve learned about mcyt from me jdhfajkdhfa. i love u so much n i am so excited to get to know u more n get closer to u!!

♡ FRUITBLR ♡

(aka mcyt friends)

♡ @fear-epidemic ♡ atlas u are so swaggy and funny!! tumblr funny man!! im so glad we’re mutuals, i love u a whole lot. that one time u me n wilby played bed wars together was so fun even if we’re really bad! n that one time we played on the fruitblr server while on vc was so fun, i loved talking to u n playing with u so much, we gotta do that again sometime. i love u so much chapin n im so glad we’re friends!!

♡ @netheritedream ♡ hari my beloved... i love u so much. like literally so much that its really embarassing. i am so glad u tagged me in that one follow forever post n put the offer on the table to let me join the server. i love being ur dumb lil husband!!! jus like actual fundy, i would risk it all to watch treasure planet with u. i love u sososo much, i wish i could live closer to u so i could actually talk to u more often </333 im going through severe withdrawal, pray for me. im gonna stop talking for now bc if i kept going on, this post would be several miles along n nobody has time for that </3 just know that i love u so much and i love having matching icons n i love being ur husband, i love u so much

♡ @sootswilbur ♡ tommy... i care you so much. little bromther!!! im sososo glad we’re friends bc u are so kind to me all the time n u are so easy to talk to!! ur also so talented, ur writing n ur gifs are so amazing n im so proud of all the awesome stuff u make!! seeing u experiment more with ur gif sets n trying new things is so awesome n inspiring and i love seeing ur experiments work out!! i love u soso much n im so happy to be ur big brother!! (or one of them at least)

♡ @fruitbur ♡ virgil my Other beloved... i love u so much!! u are one of the kindest people ive ever met n im so glad i met u!! i know ive already told u this before but ur tagging system is so sweet n i love seeing u reblog my posts bc im like “yay alastair is gonna tell me that he loves me in the tags :D” i also lovelovelove ur theme, i love the soft pink and the lil aesthetic board that u have pinned, its so nice to look at!!! ily sososo much <333

♡ @theartofmining ♡ hey fruit ily. like genuinely, u are so unbelievably funny that u make my ribs hurt so much. i know we’re like never rly that serious but i love u so much. as much as i joke about hating u, i really am glad we’re friends n i really look forward to becoming better friends with u. i love u a whole lot rain, i love seeing u on my dash bc ur full of good takes n funny posts

♡ @sapnaplive ♡ dream.... bonks our foreheads together... i care u so much. my other half!!! i love u with my whole little heart. u are soso cool and im so lucky to be able to call u my friend!! ur themes are always so cool, i wish i could be half as cool as them!!! ur art is also so epic like??? u are a triple threat: good at art, tumblr themes, AND minecraft building. and ur also so kind!!! u are one of the sweetest people i know, i love u so much and im so glad im friends with u!!

♡ @dreams-little-kitten ♡ corn u are so weird and i mean that in the kindest way possible. u are so cryptic n i love that so much about u. ur like the wilbur to my philza sometimes and i think thats so awesome. that one time u came into my inbox to talk shit about that one cuphead boss was so funny and absurd, i loved that so much. i love You so much. i love how ur just so effortlessly funny, n im so glad i can be friends with u

♡ @dreamsmp ♡ JEL!!!! i love u so much holy cow. u are so sweet!! all the time!!! ur also so talented, ur gifs always look so good!!! i love being friends with u, ur always so nice to me n u always leave rly nice tags when u reblog my gif sets that make me so happy!!! i think about that one time u rbed my fundy gif set n said “FUNDY GIFS” and “GIFS BY FUNDY” it made me so happy!!! i love u a whole lot, im so glad we’re friends :)

♡ @leaguelol ♡ damien!! i love u so much u funky little cryptid!! i love when u pop into the gc just to share cryptic thoughts, u are so strange but i think thats so cool of u!!! i honestly see u kinda like a lil sibling, im always so proud of u when i see ur art on my dash!! u are so talented at art!! i love u so much n i love being ur friend, ur rly sweet n i love seeing u on my dash and in the gc!!

♡ @its5undy ♡ idk why im putting u on this, ur my mortal enemy. jkjk, i actually love u a lot clay! i love joking around with u, ur so funny and for what. im so glad u joined the gc bc i love talking to you so much!! i still love that one time u reblogged that fwt gif set n tagged me in it moments after I reblogged it. i love that u thought about me, that rly warms my heart! i love being friends with u sososo much

♡ @cavalreee ♡ oh hey, another great big fruit!! i dont think we talk all that often, which is a shame, bc ur so sweet!! and also so fucking funny, why is everyone in this friend group so fucking funny, its not fair. i love seeing u on my dash talking with ur other friends, u always have the funniest convos ever. also? ur desktop theme is SO epic, it threw me off the first time i saw it but its so swaggy, just like u!! i love u soso much azzie, n i hope we can talk more in the future bc ur so cool

♡ @technosoot ♡ i love u even tho ur a br*t /j /j /j. jannat u are so unbelievably sweet. im so glad u joined the gc bc u are such a kind presence both in there and on my dash! u radiate very Warm, Friend energy. ur friend shaped. i love u so much n i love being friends with u!! im very eager to become closer friends with u bc u seem like a really amazing friend to have

♡ @sortasortaspicy ♡ les where are u in the gc i miss u </3 i love u so much, u fit in so well from the very beginning n brought so much more fun and laughter into the gc. i dont know u all that well n i dont think we’ve talked one on one like. at all. but id love to get closer to u bc ur so rad and ur so sweet!!

♡ EPIC PEOPLE ♡

(aka mutuals who are so cool n id love to be friends with u pls talk to me)

@eurytherm ♡ @vampkings ♡ @weelbur ♡ @wilburtheesoot ♡ @quackityskarl ♡ @wimblrscoot ♡ @technofarmer ♡ @wooteena ♡ @bloodforblood ♡ @smpsapnap ♡ @literallynotfound ♡ @hearty-an0n ♡ @enderanboo ♡ @springbonniecpu ♡ @pandascanpvp ♡ @tommylnnits ♡ @strawberrygogy ♡ @timedeo ♡ @nymika-arts ♡ @h-isforhome ♡ @eboykarl ♡ @joe-alkaysani ♡ @betwecouldmakesome ♡ @squirrelstone ♡ @maddieandchimney

#hehe idk how to tag this #ive spent SO long on this post im so glad its done #follow forever #eden.txt

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innocencelives · 3 years ago

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sort of an eventful few days. my hobbies are slowwwwwly slowwwwwwwwly starting to support me financially. well, all i need it to do is to make up the difference between my disability and an actually livable amount of money. and so far ive halved the amount of money i take from my savings every month. i celebrated christmas for the first time with some very close friends who i cherish deeply, they even made me latkes! its crazy to think, its been 5 years since ive honestly celebrated any holiday, since i left my family i havent celebrated anything bc im always by myself. even birthdays i spent alone for those years, but all of the sudden i have friends who love me. ok so the difficult things. i was scammed, and this has happened an uncomfortable amount of times in my life it makes me feel so embarassed. idk maybe im gullible or too trusting. makes me think about trauma, that im just obediant. but everyone makes mistakes. i got into a fight with a friend and im noticing this deja vu pattern of me letting friends treat me like shit, and im really trying to stand up for myself. last night i had a really hard night, idk what made me do this but i started to think about this certain part of my trauma, something i cant talk about with anybody, most of all myself. something that i know i have to take to my grave. when i think about it, its immediate suicidality, immediately suicide becomes the only option. and im doing so well these days, i just have to not open that box, ever. not with anybody, its the one thing that i can never think of. though my meds must be working because i havent felt depressed in so long, the line between sad and depression is SO visible to me: being sad is like, whatever. ill be sad all day i dont care, i almost like feeling sad, because its not depression. and ill know when it changes. but for now things have been going good for a while, i dont want to jinx it, but this may be the longest stretch of good mental health. i mean, my life right now is unrecognizable, un-fucking-recognizable from where it was. i mean its crazy to think but, years have gone by since i escaped my parents home and theres been so much hell since then. but i finally feel like im at a good place. i mean, everytime i come back to this blog to update its always like yup! things are still not horrible! yay! haha im just gonna. count my blessings and keep riding this wave where it takes me.

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clumsyclifford · 3 years ago

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u know what. i will give u all the lore u want. i’m 18, will be 19 decently soon so we are close to the same age. also the other band was r5. i have sent u asks about them and tde in the past. i followed you for atl content and got whiplash when u started posting about the first band i ever loved. i was like 10 when their first album dropped i have been around for entirely too long. i had a wattpad account and wrote r5 fanfic from the tender age of like 11-13. i discovered 5sos i don’t even remember how but i think the funniest part about it is that i never really got into their music?? i got into them as people by watching like interviews and compilations. and i mean at this point that was a While ago. SPEAKING OF FANFIC i did that like ao3 year in review thing like a month ago??? and you were my top author of the year so far. i read a lot of fic on ao3. your fics are very lovely and some of my favs. moving on. will not lie my music taste is kinda embarrassing and has barely changed since i was like 14 lmfao. been listening to a lot of waterparks lately. have been since their album dropped in may. i essentially go through phases of listening to solely one artist. or one playlist i made. most recently my taste has consisted of a lot of all time low, waterparks, paramore + hayley’s solo music (it really had to grow on me BUT now that it has it is very good), also been on a nostalgic r5 kick as well. hot take it has been quite difficult for me to get into tde’s music and i don’t really know why. some songs i absolutely adore (omg plz don’t come around is my fav by them. also scared of heights, feel you now, welcome to the end of your life are top songs too) but others i’m just. i have never liked preacher man and it’s the first song they released after they rebranded in like 2017. i love to see them finally free to do what they love music-wise but some of it is just. hard to listen to. i’m supposed to see them live in november (like 4 days before my birthday, kinda cool) and it’s the second time the show has been rescheduled so hopefully it happens. i’ve seen them live before but not since they rebranded. they’re dropping an album in october that i will have like a month to learn so it better be a fucking banger. now i’m just rambling about tde because i love ross and rocky with my entire being. rydel is annoying these days tho. also she named her baby fucking SUPER what kind of name is that why would you do that to a child. anyways. you ever need useless random r5 lore, i’m the person to ask. it’s the effect of being around to like a band for like 8 years. in conclusion my music taste? terrible. a cluster fuck. i will listen to luke’s solo album next time i’m focusing on a task because i like listening to new music when i’m concentrating on something. there’s some other bella lore for the day. - other bella

OH ALSO yeah idk. i’m currently on mobile. when i looked at your blog on mobile the first time last night it was blue. but now it’s pink. i have yet to see it on desktop but when i do i am sure it will be equally as pretty. - other bella again

hell YES some other bella lore. let's dig in

oooooh how soon? whens your birthday? 👀👀👀

ahhh yes i do remember the r5 asks !!!! that was a fun little era of clumsyclifford content huh. dont worry i wrote 1d fic on wattpad from ages 11-13 as well sooo same hat. that is super funny tho actually that you never bothered to listen to their music u really were staying loyal to r5 good for you

ao3 year in review???????????? say more?????? what is this?????????? thats very flattering regardless omg im going to ask you what your favorites are because im a leo just kidding its because i crave validation and im curious what ones you read/have read. also thank you for reading my fics lol

oh yeah theres a new parx album!! i dont listen actively to them but i really like all the parx music i know. im scared to get really into them because im genuinely afraid to fall in love with awsten knight. like im not joking thats the reason. i have to listen to more of their music tho cos i really enjoy what i know so...if you have recs...👀 i'm listening

mm thats a good lineup of music to listen to!! paramore is another band i never got super into, i meant to and then i listened to all of riot and then i learned that hayley williams is like pretty christian and that a few paramore songs are more christian than i anticipated and now i'm like. on the fence about it all. but i wanna listen to after laughter i just havent gotten around to it yet. and i did like riot. i like paramore. i like dead horse by hayley, i didnt like the other single she released, and i didnt listen to her solo music because i didnt like the first single so im not sure if i would actually like it? i am accepting vibe checks in that category though i dont really know what kinda music it is. actually now that im thinking about it doesnt she have two albums now???? i feel like the answer is yes. anyway. moving on

that is very fair the thing abt the tde stuff is that it's all so interesting and so different from every other tde song like they really just do something unique in each song which i think is awesome but also makes it hard to like every song bc it's not like one universal vibe you kinda have to decide for each song if you're enjoying it or not. i do LOVEEEE tde though, im very jealous that you're seeing them perform. although i dont know why im not, just looked it up and theyre gonna be in new york on november 24th which is a sunday so i miiiight.....be able to go.......maybe...........their website says the 25th which is a monday so maybe i was under the impression the show was on a monday?? but the ticket site says sunday. 👀 we will just...have to see......what we see.............

ANYWAY

RIGHT im so excited for their album i was mistakenly thinking it was coming out the same night as luke's but it was just the new single which i really liked on a first listen but have to listen to again cos ive only heard it the one time. but i hope it fucks. they announced that the album is called girlfriend which personally i think is really fun so i have high hopes

SHE NAMED HER CHILD FUCKIN WHAT NOW???????????????

wait eight years thats a long time but also thats roughly how long ive been around 1d wtf........insane. madness. and in fairness probably roughly how long ive been around 5sos but i took a hiatus from both of those bands during high school so im not sure how much i can count all of those years. ive been around all time low for six years though, that's pretty good. anywayyyy i hope you like luke's album but no pressure man listen whenever you feel like it. LOVE YOU

#whew #we got through it #we did it boys #guys my friend is picking me up at TEN in the morning tomorrow #we're going out on a day road trip #going to her aunt's farm to meet some goats #etc #it's gonna be really fun we're just gonna listen to taylor swift and atl i'm really looking forward to it #but also tho.....i will have to be up and ready to go at TENNNNNNN #thats a horrible time #i mean like #better than camp time but still ugh #early #she said 9:20-9:30 and i was like omg thats. so early #ask #anonymous #cubs anon

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hopipp · 4 years ago

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tag game!

Rules: answer the questions and tag people you’d like to get to know better.

tagged by: one of my new moots @uchiwaka! thanks friend! ur url is bomb and the fact that you like bokuroo assures me that you have IMMACULATE taste.

tagging: @softyiwa @atsuu @nyaanko @runicfairy @rantaroamami @seijouthirdyears @techno-trashcan !!!! :D and anyone else interested!

(Under the cut bc its long af on mobile)

What do you prefer to be called name-wise? jules, hop, hoppip! but anything goes really

When is your birthday? april 18th! im bday buddies w terushima yuuji and asahi shiina. big aries energy.

Where do you live? i live in a sharehouse in south london but i grew up in toronto to italian immigrant parents

Three things you are doing right now.

writing a dissertation on LGBTQ+ pride buttons/badges in the late 20th century

thinking about iwaoi

smiling at the dog pics my friend is sending me on discord

Four fandoms that have piqued your interest?

that volleyball show you know the one

mo dao zu shi / the untamed bc wangxian

i got into golden kamuy recently and i love it sm and think its totally underrated. its like jojo and gintama humour but by a mangaka who drinks respect women and respect indigenous ppl juice pls read it

im also fresh to the jjk fandom and id already kill for the main trio. gay/lesbian/bi solidarity.

How has the pandemic been treating you? BAD THANKS! when it first started i flew home to toronto to stay with family, who drove me crazy, so i moved back to london in september and have since then been off and on in lockdown. and bc of this i havent been able to really get much of my research done or find a full time job in my field. life is struggle at the moment but at least im in europe?

*tw* also because of covid i had to attend my own grandfathers funeral on zoom. the absolute worst thing ever.

on the bright side i started a haikyuu watchalong a few months ago and met a great group of folks. we made a discord afterwards and i love chatting with them every day <3

A song you can’t stop listening to right now? LUCID by rina!!! the entire sawayama album!!! and for some reason jet pack blues by fob

How old are you? 24

School, university, occupation, other? I have a BA in history and am working on my MA in queer history right now. I also have a part time job at an artisanal vegan kimchi company. yes, completely relevant to my studies i know. *sarcasm* i also volunteer at a local LGBTQ+ history organization.

Do you prefer heat or cold? my answer always changes because when im dying of heat i long to ski and ice skate but when im cold as balls i want to be sweating on a beach somewhere. to be honest i prefer mild autumn weather. a cheeky 18C maybe.

Name one fact others may not know about you. i love to cook and i have an instagram dedicated to my plant based creations where i post recipes and stuff

Are you shy? used to be but not at all anymore

Pronouns? whatever floats ur boat

Biggest pet peeves? Straight People TM

What is your favourite “dere” type? i guess good ol tsunderes *blows a kiss to tsukki and inuyasha*

Rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be. uhmm 8 or 9? im very happy i moved back to london but miss rona has really fucked me over.

What’s your main blog? this one!

List your side blogs and what they’re used for.

@gay-pirate-anime my one piece blog

@kira-kween jojo blog

@oddliy lgbtq+ and film blog

@suiibiian MDZS blog

@18496 photography

@jimin-juice bts blog i dont use much anymore

@fancy-tuna my old url and now mostly shitposts

ive been on tumblr for like 10 years so they’ve piled up

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? i dont think so? idk? i like oikawa and im queer thats enough to know lmao. be my friend <3

#i feel like this was long sorry ahahaha #and mostly me bitching LOL #oops

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acaciapines · 3 years ago

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tagged by @mattieandmatter! thank youuu <3

1. why did you choose your url?

i picked it when i was super into the transcendence au and acacia was my favorite triplet. now i keep it ‘cause i like the name acacia and it works as a url and i dont see any reason to change it, except on those random days where i feel guilty for stealing someones oc. but like. acacia is a tau oc at this point and if people ask who she is i explain, so like. eh. its fine.

2. any sideblogs?

no. everything i like goes on one blog. i dont really post enough to need a separate blog, and i have a tag system for me to go through and find posts so. no need for a sideblog!

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

way way too long. like 7 years i think?

4. do you have a queue tag?

i dont even use the queue. posts are reblogged and made as i feel like it.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i think a friend of mine had a tumblr and told me to join so i did, but now i havent talked to that person in years and she doesnt even use tumblr anymore, so.

6. why did you choose your icon?

its a margay, and they’re my settled form! but literally neither of my daemons take margay form so at this point it’s basically just my fursona.

7. why did you choose your header?

no idea. when i joined i was super into gravity falls and i think that was just a picture that fit okay as a header, and i dont feel like changing it.

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

this one back from the cipherhunt days.

9. how many mutuals do you have?

i dont know. i think somewhere between 6 or 8? if people wanna talk to me its not like we need to be mutuals, i dont follow many people.

10. how many followers do you have?

222. a nice even number! i like that.

11. how many people are you following?

103, and i’d guess maybe half of them are active? i dont follow that many people ‘cause i dont want my dash to be unusable since im one of those people that scrolls all the way back to where i left off the night before.

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

i mean. ive been here for so long im gonna say probably?

13. how often do you use tumblr every day?

like, 3-4 hours a day? maybe more. i dont know i dont keep track.

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

i think the closest ive ever come is disagreement over the interpretation of fanfic njrfdg so not really a fight, or at least i didn’t consider it one and im pretty sure (and hope!) the other person didnt either. but man do i interpret daemorphing differently than the people who talked about it on my daemonfic trends post. for the record im now on the 20th fic in that series and i stand by everything i said in my trends post. but also i can now add that actual main plot of daemorphing fucking rules if you like stories about war and what it does to a person, many different aliens learning about each other and how to live together, and literally amazing yeerk content go read it.

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

dont care for them, they just make me stressed for no reason.

16. do you like tag games?

theyre fun! if im tagged in one i’ll do it.

17. do you like ask games?

a bit, but i dont really do them ‘cause i’d rather talk about like. daemons n stuff. i like answering all the asks people have sent me about daemons bc i adore talking about daemons.

18. which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is famous?

uhhhhhhh idk. theinternationalacestation? talked to her through her tma fics and i feel like if youve read tma fic youve probably read at least one of hers. is that fame? i guess on some levels. also here is my monthly talk about hope etc go read hope etc please read hope etc i need everyone to read hope etc so i can talk to people about it.

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

nah.

20. tags

ah yes the most stressful part of any tag game. including other people. i’ll tag @mackerelgray if u wanna do it and anybody else who feels like answering some questions about their blog, like. youre free to do so as well.

#tag games #there are no other tags that apply here

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pigeonplays · 5 years ago

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thats weird i find the sims 3 dull and low quality. yah they have a little more but i did not like the colors and all the buttons, their expressions and i do not know but to me i was very limited to customize them physically such as face type and body. i actually do not get the hype sincerely of the sims 3 just that they got a little more game play packs

you’re totally entitled to your opinion anon, i just took this as a chance to expand on some thoughts ive had lately about ts4 and my personal disappointment:

i like it for way more than just the fact it has a couple more packs (which i think the sims 4 actually blows ts3 out of the water for that by now with game and stuff packs) while unarguably the sims 4 is so much more aesthetically pleasing, the gameplay in the sims 3 is what strikes me. Sure i dont get that same customization in cas, but, i have sims that actually have personality and a game that is actually, well, challenging.

the sims 4 lacks so much, and we have known this. ive been loud about this opinion of mine for while now. the sims 4 has everything in its favor except for the one thing that really matters in a game– the gameplay. Ts4 has always felt like a really shallow game. the only reason ive managed to spend countless hours on the game is due to my own imagination, storytelling, and using ts4 as a medium for my creativity (aka this blog.) The game is just,, shallow. and for the longest time i thought it was just due to the lack of dlc content, but im only getting more dejected with the games direction with every pack. (this isnt to be super negative either!!! i love the sims, obviously. I’m honestly only so critical because i care so so much about the game. if i didnt care i would just stop playing, but i have so many hopes and wishes for this games as its predecessor was a huge part of my childhood ( i watches so many ts3 lets plays.)

Anyways, i think the biggest example i can think of right now of how the sims 3 outshines the sims 4 in terms of the gameplay content you got is the comparing the university trailers. i know we havent seen the whole ep, but i feel like i have based on that teaser. they pushed the fact that they had bikes so excessively in that trailer vs. the sims 3 when it wasnt a key feature of the ep, (not even in the trailer!!!) because they had so so much more to showcase. even watching those two trailers back to back you can just see how shallow ts4 feels held up against ts3. i mean, sure it is ugly, but the ep’s actually felt like somthing worth playing with more for more than 4 hours and getting bored.

idk I used to be one of those people who were so quick to shut down comparisons to the old games bc of their glitches and issues… bc i deffo agree ts3 has its glitches and doesnt work on many peoples computers and is pretty ugly BUT after revisting my favorite lets plays and purchasing the game myself it has become clear to me that i feel rlly resentful to the sims 4. that said tho the sims 4 will always hold a special place in my heart as the first sims pc game i got to play. so i dont know! those are just my thoughts right now in working through where im going with the sims 4 from here bc frankly i have felt for A LONG TIME now like i dont actually play the game and a lot of my gameplay has actually been me talking myself into liking the game again i’ve realized.

#nonsims #asks #anonymous #nobody asked for this but here you go i guess lol #idk as somebody w adhd who hyperfocuses on games so easily #it's just been so fucking easy to turn of ts4 and go do something else considerably more dumb #and then immediatelly i accidentally stayed up until 3 am playing ts3 #idk dik #im glad i got into the sims 3 tho because i feel like if uni for the sims 4 flopped and i didnt have this rejuvination i would've actually #just given up on the franchise #but who knows maybe im being a dramatic asshole #Anonymous

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poetic-beats · 5 years ago

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You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3 I am just overwhelmed by everything right now. Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone. So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know? So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me. Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me! I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

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moonshxdows · 6 years ago

Text

book 2 trailer analysis

ill be posting some screencaps of the trailer sometime tomorrow as well so keep an eye out!

AAAAAAAAAAA ITS HERE!!!!!!

okay so a quick rewatch before I go through it frame by frame and just. god im so excited i love this show so much

anyways everything's gonna be under the cut bc its long and spoilery if u havent seen the trailer yet

okay so the opening clip looks like its in a human town. dragang is being chased across the bridge by some angry humans with pitchforks. raylas wearing the human cape. they got caught?

some clips from s1

okay. ezran ellis and zym are outside this white building. its shaped similarly to the star elf buildings we see later on. did they have to sit out some stuff that rayla and callum got to see? or is this like. lujanne's house or something

the fire (?) dragon is coming down on "a town of katolis" that soren is in. im assuming this isnt near the castle and claudia is there but out of frame, so did they get caught up in something on accident or were the dragons drawn to them because of the spell? lujanne recognized it, the dragons might too

wife (sunfire knight)

if my blog wasnt more cool toned that would be my new header oh my god

in the upper left corner of the screen theres a castle. there aren't any human kingdoms that are on the banks of a lava waterfall so is that an elf castle? or is this the place where all the royals got that fire background?

im dumb thats probably a halfway castle and the lava river is the border i forgot they said border over this

fuck off vitriol

elves attacking amaya and her squadron. these are likely the sunfire elves at the border, since amaya is also at the border. the castle in the last shot is probably more of a fortress

wife kicking ass! w her cool ass sword

something i noticed about the sunfire elves, or at least the warriors. the headdresses they wear are actually armor to protect their horns! they also have markings/tattoos like moonshadow elves, but they seem less elaborate (at least on their face)

does this mean horns are as important in all elf races or just sunfire elf races?

opeli ur the only bitch in this house i trust. is viren keeping the missions w the brodigies under wraps or does opeli think that's not enough?

boat! are they on their way to evenere?

awe

star elf bitch there u are u sexy bastard. zi @moonxadia made a fantastic theory on that elf here, but tl;dr that's elarion being shady (as much as ive liked the aaravos theories i dont think thats him)

viren being shady (spell had similar look as star elf from last clip)

RAYLA I MISSED YOU

zym i would die for you

the background to that looks interesting- are they having a big dinner of some sort?

ik other people have said this but that's definetly runaans strike crew from early s1. the very dead strike crew. zombie elves!

also if they touch a hair on aanyas head i Will Cry she looks so small in that throne...

(altho they dont really seem to be attacking her at all?)

okay so i know people have been saying the on fire shot are elves but i really dont think so. none of them have horns or the sunfire headdresses. i think that's a human army

AZYMONDIAS THE FUTURE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN THE WORLD I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU IN A HEARTBEAT

(its another moon moth. same one as from earlier in the trailer?)

so in the shot of dragang on The Bird, callum looks really upset. like, seriously upset. this might be part of a joke bc hes holding bait, but im worried

ezran baby boy. hes so worried

zym!!!! i love you!!!!!!!

these pillars look real cool. is this a magic place?

okay so runaans deceased elf crew again, but pre-zombification (or post?) did lujanne summon them? is it a moon elf thing? why are they stars? is it a star elf clearing?

so zoom out, theyre in these... gazebos? made of starlight? nothing to comment it just looks real cool

hey claudia maybe... not.

im very concerned that when claudia said "you take creatures that are born with magic inside and squeeze it out of them" it panned over zym briefly

callum looked concerned so im hoping its a flashback of some sort? but they look like theyre in an elf place... idk. im worried about him this season

i know i said what i said but dark magic claudia is hot

wtf was that thing tho

rayla is suspicious™ (and she should be tbh)

sword fight!! im both excited and scared

callum is having a rough time and i want to hug him

thankfully raylas there

so a lot of people have said this but i do think thats because of harrow, not the dark magic. idk why i think that but. shrug

so i wanna talk about the audio playing over these last few bullets real quick. rayla says they cant trust soren and claudia, followed immediately by lujanne saying "real trust is about accepting the dark parts we will never know" which makes me curious. did brodigies and catch up with dragang while they were still with lujanne? since the group splits sometime during the season

if it is the case im curious how theyre gonna go from hating elves to being in a traveling party with 2 of them and a baby dragon

and if thats not the case, what is lujanne talking about?

wait i just had a really horrible thought what if they lied to win dragang's trust and rayla is the only one that's suspicious

moving on,

rayla and callum both look Real Concerned wtf are they talking about

so it looks like lujanne is leading callum to some Elf Thing; maybe its right before she shows him the star elf ghosts? it does look to be around sunset

DRAGON QUEEN???

even if its not tHATS THE POSTER DRAGON HELLO!!!!

rayla i will never not love you

EZRAN I WILL NEVER NOT LOVE YOU

sarai Hes Not Worth It

im excited about flashbacks though 👀

hello lord voltron. perish.

okay so thats the same fire dragon from earlier, but w its face all cut up. soren was prepared to go sword vs dragon and i think he won

"watch yo fuckin dog bitch" "he dont bite" "yES HE DO"

thats the vibe coming from that wolf/badger thing. also that guy screaming at the cat in his backyard

but fr what is that

thunder kinda looks like voldemort from this angle ngl

okay. okay. dark magic callum is a go

buddy what the FUCK do you think youre doing

ive seen some things saying that he's being controlled but i dont think so. i think he listened to claudia and im very curious to see how this affects his relationship with rayla

i think he was missing being the mage? which is why he tried to learn primal magic from lujanne but failed ultimately

depending on the theory, i wonder how people will spin half-elf!callum for this

i dont actually know if elves can even use dark magic fjnshfk like i assume they can but?? who knows

fire golem?? and who has the sword

my bad theres soren v dragon i thought it was earlier

mr fire dragon sir how the fuck did you lose. you have teeth? claws? wings? presumably fire powers?

AAAAAAAAAA TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!

#book 2 trailer #tdp spoilers #tdp everyone #mine #meta #tdp #the dragon prince #im probably missing tags but idc

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chainslaughter · 5 years ago

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9 favorite Albums

tagged by @glass-blown-eyes (thanks for the tag :)))) !

okay this is hard bc i feel like i havent actually listen to much in forever..theres not rlly anything obscure and interesting either. and in no particular order (and i am bad at picking favorite anything.) :’/ embarrassing. currently standing at the edge of wanting something new, but nothing has pushed me yet.

tagging @lcskribbles

1. Can i put the Monster Hunter Tri soundtrack for nostalgia reasons? im a nerd at heart okay(obviously) Normally “Epic Video Game Soundtrack” doesnt do it for me, but idk this ones special- some my fave tracks - “To One with Life’, “Sprouting Farm”, “The Lunar Abyss”,”Testament of a Hero”, “Sound of Great Mountain /Agnaktor”, “Subzero White Knight/Barioth”, “Tremble of Land and Sea/Lagiacrus”, “Earth Sand and Fiery Winds/Barroth”, “Intercepting the Great Gong’, “Jhen that Rides the Sea of Sand”(...and Success :)) i believe ive actually posted some of these before on this blog -confession i only ever played 3U, never played tri, so id cheat, cut a couple and add stuff like Zinogre, Dire MIralis and Brachydios theme instead ;)

2. OKay we know it's coming. Hard to choose.. bc i love Skinny pup (obv) but if i had to pick. because this is the album that really wowed me and got me into them. and i think changed me. i had tried to get into them before and was kinda ehhh.. until i listed to this. then i got the hype. Too Dark Park

3. lol

4. Okay this is cliched but.. i gotta say Dark Side of the Moon. Wish you were here is close.(and Piper at the Gates..) but. This album was important to me. it kinda had a huge part in sparking my music obsession.(no. im not putting Vitas) I remember distinctly the first time i just sat n really listened it thru(even tho i was so tired i feel asleep somewhere) i was still mindblown. I dont even rlly listen to PF anymore but i still have to add just bc it was important to me. (not that i dislike them now or anything im just into other things.)

5. Okay. another album that was important to me? I remember when i was first getting into industrial music, and i hear shit like this and revco and was just like, where has this crap been all my life?? disgusting, i love it. Throne of Agony is still like five of my characters themesongs. Nail

6. Sorry for bullshitting most of this list but its basically my brand that i gotta add nick regardless of my feelings at this point. (hey if it was tru BS i would have put Dig Lazarus dig and you know it) Firstborn is Dead . my immediate thought was “oh its gotta be Let love in, because that was import”..blah blah.this was the last Nick album to come around to me, and i still kinda feel it. I feel like most people would rather put Tender Prey as TBS best 80s album and i can see why- but i guess this one just gets me more. black crow king.

7. Its been so long since ive rlly listened to classic rock i forgot which doors album was actually my favorite. But Crystal Ship, Light my Fire, The End, Soul Kitchen, Twentieth Century Fox, cant go wrong. Also i own this album so ive listened to it a lot. Again cant say i listen to it a whole lot anymore but it still holds up. i mean its from the 60s, it should..

8. Emotional Screening Device, by the Frozen Autumn. Mostly for “Is everything real?” and “When you are sad”(i was kinda obsessed w those for a while) “silence is talking” is good too. idk theres something that gets me about monotonous same sounding drkwavey type stuff i guess. its like a case of it all kinda sounds the same but.. in a good way, i guess? i just had a period where id listen to this stuff a lot, its defiantly a type of music i need to find more stuff to listen to in.

9. cheating again, lately ive been going to Golden Age of Grotesque and Naive a lot but cant rlly choose fave from either (artist)

#long post #tag #albums #theres not really a reason for monhun stuff i just inexplicably love the game #its like a comfort thing i guess #this is extremely difficult i dont really do favorites #i also move thru music rlly slow #i feel like the doors and nick cave r the most pretentious things on my list #honestly id rate the 80s baad seeds.. id prob put firstbiorn then your funeral.. rlly close to each other #THEN tender prey #and thats all i care about #d ont rlly care about from her to eternity n ehstevr ele #also i could have thrown out nick all together but like i said its my brand i had too #aslo gobble theme is good too but i think im just traumatized from the flooded forest water zones #gobul. i meant gobul.#for monhun #ive just been on a major industrial kick okay #rambling in the tags again #also annoyed that the monhun tribute soundtrack got taken off spotify a while ago... tho luckily i do have it on iTunes #tri not tribute --#sorry i went a bit crazy always straining not to nerd out too mch

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