#idk i just wanted to give y'all an update bc i feel like I've been teasing the blog with ideas for my fics

[cursed-clock-shop]

The main reason I want to revise Stranded Swimmer is that I forgot to include my most favorite headcanon I've ever made, I want to see if y'all will figure it out after I post it.

Also Stranded Swimmer revisions will (probably) come before I post My New Thing™ because it's taking me WAY longer than expected.

[memberment]

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE

So the Trinitarians brain worm is back and Morning Glory is now longer and biting the dust as far as my focus goes.

But like, I genuinely want to talk to anyone who's invested in what's to come as far as part two goes. SO PLEASE. I IMPLORE THE FOUR OF YOU WHO PERPETUALLY TAKE NOTICE OF MY SCREAMS INTO THE VOID.

We're all aware that Trin is a time loop fic. That is confirmed.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS HOW I'M GOING ABOUT DOING THAT. AND I NEED INPUT FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE NOT ME AS FAR AS PLEASES AND SPARKLES GO, YES?

Because like sure I'm writing it and like fuck everything else, let me tell my story. But it's the how of it all like if I'm gonna throw another 200 give or take hours into this I would at least like one person to be having a wonderful time drinking and driving (I have since remembered this is not a common phrase, I do not mean this in a literal sense, it's an expression) with me right?

Part two is going to be 50 chapters, give or take. (Part one is about 37 for reference.)

So the plan for part 2 rn is (ROGUHLY):

(1-10) is the second timeline. There are a lot of importants and I cannot just glaze over it all more than that. But we're also working in a bit of a shorter time period than the original events of the story and introductions do not need to happen again, right?

(11-40)ish would be me running through the next timelines in a set up structure -> what changes -> the results of said changes and then inevitably what sends our looper backwards. It wouldn't be running through all the timelines but the more notable ones in kind of a four chapter structure, I am not fully sold on four, but rough estimate yk.

And then 41-50 would be the finale of part two. It's literally the last timeline in its glory and then the epilogue which kicks off part three.

COULD AT LEAST ONE OF Y'ALL SIT THROUGH THAT OR DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY NOTES AT ALL BECAUSE LIKE

I personally kinda like it but if not a soul is reading this I am throwing myself on the curb with the rest of the garbage LMFAOOO.

I NEED THOUGHTS. OPINIONS. COMMENTS. CONCERNS. ANYTHING.

Anyways, I'm going to work. I have off tomorrow and I broke the ff investment seal for today so insanity and updates will be here tonight and homework will be tomorrow.

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD DAY <3

(9:30) I am literally falling asleep as I lazily write this angel based on Danse Macabre. Expect all of maybe one more update tonight if the tacos I am abt to receive don't wake me up LMFAO.

Also, I am almost saddened by not having something to post tm. Anyone want an early chapter of something that isn't Genesis/Desolation bc they're both on Monday?????? (I am feeling like a menace rn)

(10:19) tacos and the absolute yap session I just had did wake me up a bit. MAAAYBE might write some more. Idk I slept like three hours last night and went to work I'm kinda dead. But we're at 98.2k!!!!!!🥳

(11:06) okay we made it to 99.6k everything besides the flashback for 31 is done. I'm about to relax and watch something and figure out mechanics of some of this because god this series is A BEAST. Like, I still have six planned chapters left.

Pure insanity. I love it here. I hate it here.

Holy shit wait I just came to the realization that I started this fic exactly one month ago. I have belted out 99.6k for THIS FIC ALONE. (Moreso if we're including future shit that hasn't happened yet)

IN ONE MONTH.

THAT IS FUCKING CRAZY WHAT HTE FUCK LMFAOOOO

I may or may not be cooking we’ll find out in 6-26 business hours

(5:28) So I just had a very interesting past few business hours. I read a fic I've been waiting ever so patiently to finish. That's cool, right. I go for a walk at 4 in the morning because I'm insane. Fantastic. I get home at five and I'm like ohhhh well what do I do now it's not sleep time yet. Oh write I'm supposed to be drawing.

Nope I reread the epilogue of morning glory and realized Tweek's first address is for my morning glory and Craig's last sign off is your morning glory and now I'm ready to throw myself on the curb with the garbage as I sob. Someone call a trusted adult for me thanks.

[thebestpumkin]

pumkin speaks: sighh. im so sorry for diappearing (again) for so long. i've been having such a hard time with motivation for...literally everything. i'm trying to get back into the swing of things so i'm hoping to be able to get something out soon. i've honestly been trying so hard and i just...haven't been able to do much of anything for the last few months. i got burned out on everything that i enjoy, including writing. but i've been feeling better as of late (though i'm still working on some personal issues that i honestly wish i didn't need to work on). thank you to everyone who's been so patient, i promise i'll keep trying 🫶🫶

now that the more depressing part is out of the way, i thought i'd give you a little update on what i've been watching! i think last i updated y'all, i was still watching tokyo revengers? i'm all caught up with it now and it's in my list of who i write for. i also watched banana fish (totally cried) but i don't think i'm gonna write for it, lmk if y'all would like to see it and i'll rethink it fs. i'm also all caught up with wind breaker - i watched it as it was coming out. i'm thinking about writing for it, so i might update my list soon. i watched paradox live, and i think i miiight write for a few characters - tbh i wasn't a huge fan of it, esp the ending, but i fw the characters heavy. i finally watched solo leveling which i think was reallyyy good. i think i'm gonna write for sung (shocking). i also watched blue lock but being so honest, i did NOT like it i fear. so sorry to any blue lock fans out there but i was watching it for a friend and it genuinely felt like a chore...i did quite like a few characters but idk if i should write for them. ig i'll think on it some more. *edit bc i completely forgot to mention i'm currently watching one piece 💀💀 i just started alabasta arc like 2 days ago - i'm on ep 97 currently. it's so good omg. i might write for it once i feel like i have a better read on the characters so maybe look forward to that?

anyways, thank you so much for being patient! i will be trying to write soon. i'll also probably update my list over the next few days so be on the lookout fs. if y'all want, i'd be super happy to get some requests and i'm sure that would motivate me a whole lot. anyways, this is getting long so i'll sign off here. thank you for reading! happy scrolling, and have a nice day!

[blindinghope]

reading harry potter for the first time: the prisoner of azkaban

the chamber of secrets post

notes/reactions, updated as i go

10.01.24 -

-sirius being on muggle news ?? woah

-the drastic difference of the knight bus from the movie v book is so interesting. harry learns more about sirius simply from stan. like in the movie harry just knew to be careful and sirius was dangerous, i don't think he had any idea of what he had "done" until hogsmeade

-i live for scenes in diagon alley!! it's criminal they removed that entirely in the movie. replacing it with fudge bringing his books and harry only spent one night in the leaky cauldron when it was actually a week

leave it to any interaction of the twins to have me smiling like an idiot in public

29.01.24 note: i've had poa in my bookbag for the longest time and probably pulled it out twice since the semester started..noticing damage on the corners too from me throwing stuff in my bag😭 eventually i will finish..!

-one aspect i've always been hung up on from the movie is the dementor attacking harry on the train. i thought the book would be a bit different like why ron assumed harry was having a "fit". did neither of them know what dementors do?? that harry's soul was being sucked out?

-the knight painting in north tower is killing me😭😭😭 need to insert an excerpt here if i remember

02.02.24 note: watching poa and i realized the scene of the boys in their dorm eating jellybeans was written in😭🤍 poa being the end of their childhood is so heart wrenching..beautifully directed too

i thought this was silly imagery, besties sharing a big umbrella together

remus is so loved as a professor and i know he loved teaching too :(

oh....oh god. (x)

-ok i can't finish this chapter without voicing my opinion but the way harry's hogsmede trip via marauder's map is playing out is so strange to me!!! once again the movies heavily influence my views. i'm torn between romione's shrieking shack moment + harry pummelling draco with snowballs but.. the trio bonding from the start..!!their friendship is truly so strong and something the movies did not emphasize enough like harry walks up to them in honeydukes while they're discussing what to get him!!

-wait why are they allowed in the three broomsticks and drink butterbeer? they're 13...little babies..

-i completely understand where the "evil harry" fanfics came from now because learning sirius was there to take harry that night yet dumbledore intervened with hagrid. ugh... (x)

-wood being quidditch obsessed is so amusing to me bc he's always talking about it like he's at the brink of a breakdown😭😭 when he learns harry was gifted a firebolt but mcgonagall confiscated it and wood is just like, "she wants to win as much as we do...i'll make her see sense..." I'LL MAKE HER SEE SENSE??😭

-crying again at the mention of snape teasing mcgonagall about the quidditch cup,, so wholesome

-no one gives a FAWK about divination this is getting embarrassing

-brooo...sirius and remus explaining literally everything in the shrieking shack is,,mind blowing..what do you mean dumbledore arranged a separate place for remus when he was a student so he had somewhere to go once a month..!!! james and sirius became animagi for him!!!!???

-AAAAA THE DETAILS OF SIRIUS TRICKING SNAPE??? JAMES SAVES HIM FROM REMUS????

-TRIO??? hitting snape w expelliarmius they really are ride or dies for each other

-"just give me a reason" goes hard idk

-the imagery of snape floating and sirius bumps his head everywhere like first of all...!! that's kinda funny,,but also hasn't he suffered enough

-the way harry jumps at sirius' offer to live with him feels a little too erratic for me like it was much more well done in the movie imo because why are y'all discussing this when you haven't even gotten out of the passage and sirius is letting snape's unconscious body hit every corner

23.05.24 note: screaming and crying at the thought of remus never getting this kind of treatment from harry like they never have a close relationship AND IT SUCKS SOOO MUCH !!! THAT'S UNCLE MOONY😭😭😭😭

also i rewatched poa and i see it so much more differently especially from remus' pov because how do you remain normal meeting YOUR BEST FRIENDS KID for the first time (tho i'd like to think marauders met baby harry) and not be like: your father was my best friend. straight off the bat..! and when he sees harry has the marauder's map i wanted TO SOB....remus' mention of knowing lily and james is soo casual probably to not freak out harry or something idk i just think there was more potential in a relationship between harry and remus maybe as strong as with sirius. the godfather title must be comforting for harry since it shows how much james trusted him but regardless, remus was also his best friend??

[taegularities]

i have no idea if my previous on went through be tumblr said they had a problem sending my ask 🤨

RID i am so sorry to hear about the covid sob i hope u feel better soon and get back to good health, sending hugs and love!! 🫂 man the audacity of covid to show its face to u when it got death glared by kim taehyung like THIS?? (or u can imagine it wasn't covid that had his face like that...) https://twitter.com/blue_and_tae/status/1729656587692781936?s=46&t=c6PIFLP0d4AcbQ2vJ5sqWA

about the news- it's enlistment dates that have been circulating and they're very soon:') just sooner than we expected i think, nothing's confirmed but ppl did the math and they'd be discharged a few days before festa 2025 so... it seems true

AND OMG CMI... i LOOOVE me a big chunky chapter i can sit down and cry/scream/giggle about!!! i feel so Lucky that the updates always seem to align after my big exams like... i'm just so HAPPY cause they're really a big treat to me hehe i'm excited for whatever's in those ~30k words bc i Know i will eat it up sm, i literally have ss of my fav lines and parts when i read because they're just that GOOD!!!

sorry for talking so much TwT can i also ask for #16 from ur spotify wrapped? <3

- ofc, ik (i saw ur tags !! maybe u could give me an emoji or two that seems fitting or just any that u like hehe 🤲🏻)

babe hi!! i'm glad you sent the ask again, bc tumblr did not deliver it lol :') thank you, babe, that means a lot 😭 IT SUCKS SO BAD, like i can barely breathe today and i've so much to do kjsdfhjksg but we'll power through!! just finished an assignment! can tae keep staring covid down though.. i know everyone's intimidated by THOSE eyes </3

oh?! oh my gosh, i didn't even see. but honestly, i was expecting it to happen soon. dunno why, but for some reason i thought they'd leave the moment december started LOL so i'm less but also more hurt. bc i can't say goodbye yet. idk how :') i can't wait for them to come back around festa, though. it'll be when i'll be graduating as well!!! so another reason to celebrate.. gonna be A Time 🥺

ah see… i just know when to serve 💅 LOL but seriously, i'm glad the drops align so well with your schedule. hope you enjoy cmi11 thoroughly, bc there's a shit ton in there and it'll bring cmi12 and 13 even closer which are my ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE so far, and oh god, y'all will have so much fun reading them, too. also... if you want.. share those fav lines anytime you want 🥺 👉🏼👈🏼 this my #16, i'm listening to it rn hahaha 😭

[topbottomswitchblade]

update on this as we finally went to one of the parties a few days ago.

my partner messaged one of the hosts to basically be like "look i am gonna be covered in shallow cuts are y'all cool with that" and they were like "yes" and then were like "wait lemme ask someone else" and put my partner in a chat with a second and then eventually a third person and they were like "so you want to do knifeplay at the party?" and my partner's like "that's not what i said" and they talked like. idk what to call it but like they're an internet intellectual. like i guess some ppl think it's more reassuring like they're putting thought into it, but i'd rather ppl just speak casually, ya know? i don't have any direct quotes bc i was not in the chat thread myself.

one room was designated vanilla and one room was designated impact play, etc, and the way they put it was "anything that would need a safe word" which. technically anything can have a safe word. you can safe word on vanilla sex if you change your mind. but regardless. the main host said something like "i know there was talk of doing knifeplay tonight," as like one of the things that should be done in that room and my partner and i just looked at each other like. we didn't know this would be A Thing.

I did take the opportunity when we were doing introductions so be like "hi i'm the knifeplay guy if anyone wants to talk to me about it." (no one did)

I did bring like 4 knives just bc if people were expecting a show, I was going to give them one.

i was wearing leather fingerless gloves and at one point someone asked if i'd ever slapped anyone with those, and if i would like to do it to them. and I was like "yeah, face or ass?" and they said ass and that they'd never been slapped in the face. and I just said lmk if you want to try and spanked them. and they said I could aim between the cheeks if I was comfortable with that and after they tapped out they said they had a great time. but afterwards I was just thinking about it like. never been slapped in the face?

the impact play room was was more packed than the vanilla room but I still feel like. my lust for violence may be too much for this group. a lot of people were just watching or doing regular sex and others were mostly spanking.

next time I want to just be like "if anyone wants to get hurt, come find me"

this seems like i'm complaining but everyone I talked to seemed really nice. It was awkward but I expected it to be, and it was really no more awkward than any other social situation I've been in where I don't know anyone.

Also I didn't fuck anyone but that's bc I p much went in with the mentality of just scoping it out and getting comfortable. It is still awkward to ask someone if they want to have sex when you really don't know them. I was def the most clothed person by the end of the night lol

my partner found a local kink meet up group (we haven’t been able to go yet bc i got sick and then gave it to him whoops) but i was like “what if they’re not into knives and shit” and he was like “i mean, they’re probably not” so i’m like. what am i supposed to do then. can i still carve my name into your skin to claim ownership if i do it before the party? what if i carve our initials with a heart around it, that’s cute, right?

[syubub]

ENERGY CHECKUP: YOONGI (again)

Now, I know I've already done an energy check up on yoon but I wanted to see how he was doing now that he's gotten his shoulder surgery!

Disclaimer time: tarot is not to be takes as fact and is my interpretation if the cards :) entertainment purposes only~

SHIT IS STRANGE (it is Yoongi though so I'm not too shocked)

So. For starters, his energy is pretty calm and chill. He's also a bit more quiet?

I wrote a note that tomorrow is exciting... idk I wrote it down and I'm not sure if its exciting for him or for us? Maybe its just a general like, "tomorrow is a good day" type thing.

Now. 11... I wrote this down and I'm not sure why though I believe that he might be seeing 11:11 on the clock or possibly that something exciting is happening for him at 11:11 (I just checked and thats in like an hour and a half from when I'm writing this down(( update i just finished writing the whole post and it is about 11 minutes away)) idk. I make no promises but I wrote it down so there you go.

I also kept seeing plants and I'm not sure if people got him flowers or plants as a "get well" type thing or maybe he's stressing bc someone has to water his plants lol

Okay. Okay. Hear me out. Black bean noodles. It popped into my head and I was told to write it down but I'm also really hungry so take that with a grain of fucking salt. (I even pictured a nice elaborate bowl that was red as well as the take out container. Yum. Send me noodles)

MOVING ON

Here's the actual reading lol. He is bored.

Thats all. Thank you for coming.

Jk

I joke. The cards give me a kind of frazzled feeling? Its the struggle of knowing hes done something good but it comes at a cost. Yoongi works. A lot. All the goddamn time. So what now? He's having this shake up thats forcing him to deal with stuff. Him having this surgery also may have brought back some less than favorable memories/ feelings that hes being forced to deal with now. Over all though he feels like its good. The 6 of wands makes me think that he's thinking of our response when he comes back. Its like he's gonna be so much more confident in himself and his dancing and he can finally move on from the car accident? It happed so long ago but he literally carried this burden with him. Its good. The wheel of fortune and is about a change and the 8 of swords is about self imposed restriction, imprisonment and over all bad/ negative feelings. I pulled the wheel of fortune first and asked what was changing and that was the 8 of swords. This surgery is helping to free him from this restricting, painful thing that may have been reminding him of the past! YES HEALING

Now. For this section I just kinda asked "whats up?" And got, easy does it, divine life purpose l, balancing masculine and feminine energies and uplift your thoughts. He may be resting but he's got his mind working on 3,000 my dude. Its the regular "yoongi is woke af" bullshit but damn. The cards say what they say. He's preparing. I'll come back to this.

Now the 7 of cups and the 3 of swords. I asked how he felt about missing out on promoting. He's heart broken with the 3 of swords. It genuinely pains him. And with the 7 of cups he might feel like there's a lot of ways this can play out and he's considered a lot of options.

I was curious how he felt about me coming into his energy so I asked him what he thought of me. Lol. These each came out separately. We got, 2 of cups, four of wands, the empress, justice, the magician, the sun and the lovers. Ha

So. To add to the mood setting my guide said "he's a drama queen" lol yeah he is.

So so so so so. I was confused? Still am a little confused but I'm like 80.9% sure that he isn't bothered by me poking around in his energy n shit. In fact my theory is that he's using this connection to his advantage? Lol sounds dumb but my best guess is that home boy sees my energy/ what I'm doing as a way to figure out his own shit? Idk maybe he thinks I'm his energetic therapist. Maybe even a matchmaker (I mean... I have been putting a lot of energy and work into finding/ connecting with his soulmate so maybe he's letting me do all the dirty work) I really don't understand but I got no further explanation.

Oki oki oki. Now. I was drawn to 2 books. The kybalion and the prophet. I asked yoon if there was any messages that we wanted to point out through the books and I got a number for each book so I took it as page numbers. 28 for the prophet and 54 for the kybalion

Take what you will from these if it calls to you. I haven't read these since I was around 13? The sentiments for each felt important to me so I'm curious what you all might think/ feel when reading these? ( I also get the feeling that Yoongi has read the prophet idk why)

Okay. At this point I was like cool, let's wrap this up but I need to talk about his pjs? Green/grey? Plaid pj bottoms don't ask me don't ask me don't ask me I don't know but It wouldn't go away so I had write it down? Help.

I had written yoongis brother down too. Theres something about him? I'm not sure what but thats all I got lol

I was very strongly told that I needed to remember 7, that its important. Got it. Worth it down.

Oki. As I was going back to the platform blah blah blah the string turned blue too. The cord is usually white or silver but it was blue so that was a fun thing and then I was like "nice. Cool. Thanks. This was awesome, get healthy blah blah" and go to leave/ end the connection but the cord wouldn't go away.

???

What.

Then the string (idk if I said but that string shit is like on the third eye? Its connected to my forehead and his too.) Kind tightens.

I'm like, "oh shit."

Listen. Usually everything is smooth and nice and I just leave.

All is well though bc my guide is like, "stop being a little bitch" so I just let it happen.

Yoon shoves me back off the edge of the platform. Why he gotta be like that?

Now. This is strange. I had dropped down into a library.

Y'ALL

I almost shit my fucking pants. Dear god.

THE AKASHIC RECORDS MY DUDE

He started walking me around until he found a blue book. His mother fucking book.

Home boy brought me to his fucking Akashic fucking blue fucking book.

I was big mad. "YOU LITTLE FUCKER! YOUVE KNOWN ABIUT THIS SHIT?" And he was like, "duh"

I've never felt more disrespect lol

Also the way the library was presented was way way way different from how it looks to me. So thats an interesting note. Looking at his book, on the base of the spine is a number 7...

Oki. Cool. I asked if I could look and he said, "Sure, when you can find your way back."

This mother fucker threw me out of a meditative state. Have you ever woken up just before you hit the ground in one of those falling dreams? THAT WAS THE FEELING.

?? I'm not sure what the fuck just happened or if it holds actual significance.

Anyway. After cursing the fuck out of yoobi I started thinking what else 7 ment.

I was specifically told to remember 7 and it was on his book. Then It popped into my head (I want to say its because I'm smart and thought of it all by myself but I think that was my guide wanting me to keep my last brain cell safe). What is yoongis life path number?

Now I don't know shot about life path numbers but imma read up on them tonight. I used a life path calculator on Google. HIS LIFE PATH NUMBER IS 7 Y'ALL.

Maybe I'm dumb as fuck but yoobi never disappoints.

Conclusion: Yoon is fine. Hes just being a yoongi and a yoongi does.

⬆️Me after this reading⬆️

⬆️ Yoongi rn playing 12D chess⬆️

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

idk if this is urgent or not, so just take your time in replying to this!!! i know y'all have a bunch of things going on w/ this blog! anywhomst, i've been hesitant to ask for prayers from anyone but especially on here bc i was worried that would seem like too much of a 'im asking in public and making a big deal of my problems', but im at a point where i need to ask for some help/advice/something??? i've gone from being christian to athiest to agnostic to pagan to christopagan to christian (#1)

(#2) to being somewhere in agnostic again, the last like 5 within the span of 8 months. it’s spiritual and emotionally draining. i thought i was definitely christian recently after coming back to the church. im still going on sundays now and going to choir practice bc it’s good for me and it’s made me feel much happier than i’ve felt previously.but something just sort of happened within the last like 2 weeks. i went from trying to read the bible every week and listening to christian music and

(#3) getting important and helpful things out of my pastor’s sermons to not feeling like god’s there at all. it feels like there’s nothing out there anymore. i guess the only good thing is that i was once terrified of the possibility of nothingness after we die and now im not really scared of that any longer. but i’ve always been a very spiritual person and it’s something that shapes who i am and gives me comfort in my darkest times. but now i feel like i have nothing and no one, no god(s) or

(#4) or divine/heavenly comfort or guidance or reassurance. i know that im still struggling w/ depression (and i have self diag. autism) & i have some anxiety and probably some other mental stuff going on & it’s likely that’s affecting my beliefs and feelings. i guess i just want some prayer. that if god’s out there, or anyone really, that they could find me and see my pain and see how lost i am and help me, guide me to something better and happier. bc im so tired and sad and empty & it’s really

Hi there! It looks like your ask got cut off so if there was a part five that I still need to answer, send that part again.

First off, it’s not bad to share your problems with a community – we are called to lean on one another! Faith doesn’t happen in a vacuum. So thanks for reaching out. 

I really feel for you in your struggle. I also have depression, and that and other things took a major toll on my faith life a few years back. In high school I hardly ever even doubted God’s existence or living presence in my life, I felt Them nearly every time I prayed or went to church, and so the sudden shift to feeling…nothing a lot of the time was so upsetting and confusing. Like you, I’m a spiritual person, so that these times when I feel nothing are almost physically painful.

It kind of sucks and it’s not a very satisfying answer, but, for whatever reason, this is just how faith works. Sometimes you have incredibly high points, sometimes you reach points so low you feel completely untethered from the divine. 

Part of me wishes I could go back to high school with its easy faith, when I sort of took for granted that I’d always feel God in my life. But another part of me is thankful (now that I’ve learned how to navigate the low points better) to be in a time in my life when faith is hard. 

Why would this difficulty ever be a good thing?? The confusion and sense of loss, of being cut off from God?

For one thing, it causes me to long for Them that much more, to appreciate deeply those moments I do feel close to Them again. 

It also makes me feel more connected to other people who go through the same thing throughout history – who have had doubts and fears and wondered where God was, why they felt nothing. Even Jesus felt cut off from God, crying out from the cross: “My God, My God, why have your abandoned me?”

It reminds me that faith is a gift, not a given – it’s a gift I can prepare myself to receive but not something I can obtain for myself. That I can be a “Good Christian” in my lowest moments, when I feel farthest from God, by continuing to pray and hope and love in the midst of my doubts and spiritual loneliness.

And it reminds me that faith is so much more than those “feel-good” moments that a lot of modern Christian movements put so much focus on. Faith isn’t about finding the right song to elicit Big Emotions and tears. Faith isn’t just an emotion at all – it’s a practice, a way of life, a role we grow into.

Those moments of feeling One with God are beautiful and precious and a glimpse of what we’ll have in heaven – but they’re not the foundation of our faith. Jesus is, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. We can keep being faithful even when we feel nothing, or feel bad things. 

Read this post, where I talk about how God is both as near to us as our own hearts blood and as distant to us as the stars: “Recognizing both God’s nearness and God’s distance is important in order to be at peace with the feelings of far-offness that often distress us, while also hoping in the truth that God is all-pervasive too.” 

Part of what made me start to have these dips in faith, I think, is that I started to ask questions – to wrestle with God and with scripture. In high school I had followed the easier path of accepting everything my church said, but while that meant I had what felt like an “direct” connection to God, it also meant my glimpse of God was pretty small. In working to expand my view and also to be more radically inclusive of all God’s people, I’ve developed a lot of doubts and fears and griefs (because God’s grief is deep, even if Their joy is deeper, and to taste it is to feel desolation). But it’s worth it, it’s always worth it. 

So my advice to you is to keep reaching out for help, from God and from people. Keep going to choir and to church, even when you leave feeling empty. Don’t lose hope that sometimes you’ll leave feeling filled – and that even when you feel empty, you really are full of God’s love and life and Spirit.

“Fake it till you make it” is the motto I live by some months – I keep doing my daily prayers even when it feels like I’m talking with no one; I try to get to chapel or church; I talk about God with people and read the Bible and study theology.

And so the resources for faith grow even when I feel most desolate. My heart that feels so empty and hollowed-out is actually becoming a pocket into which God will plant more seeds of faith. Our loneliness becomes a womb in which the Spirit nestles Herself, with us all along even when we don’t feel Her. 

If you trust your pastor or anyone else at church, you can talk to them about your faith troubles. And you are welcome to keep asking questions here, or giving us updates on how you’re doing. I recommend our FAQ page, especially some of the posts in the Faith section. 

Living Spirit, Lavisher of Gifts,This person is in need of your guidance and love. Let them feel your Presence with them, even if only for a little while, so that they may carry the memory of as nourishment for the empty days. When you feel far off, may they learn the hard lesson of loneliness: that sometimes you who are our very Breath feel as intangible as air; that sometimes we climb and climb and don’t realize how high we’ve reached for a long time.May all of us, your communion of saints, your Body and your Beloved, come together in our times of desolation. Give us the courage and wisdom to reach out, to encourage one another, to strive and strive with all our heart, soul, and strength.Faith is the gift we beg of you, God. Give us faith – and understanding to learn just what faith is. Amen.