#idk how to explain to my teacher and a group of AP kids that i didnt do my homework bc i was too busy on this hellsite and on subway surfers | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dong-hyucks · 7 years

Note

Hi! Can I request prompt 23 for Choi Minho? Please? Thank you!

Choi Minho ; “I’ll wait.”

Prompts hereMasterlists

alright so i was supposed to finish this yesterday

but, if you’ve noticed on my blog a certain snek™ (ily baby anon) was exposing me

so i got sidetracked

p.s baby anon i have a new bias it’s @trashforyugyeom she posted a cover teaser on her blog and i am shookt like go check it out lee donghyuck who

also, most of the information about school is just based off of mine, i have no idea if it’s like that elsewhere

anywho, you were in high school freshman year when you first met minho

he was captain of the soccer team, straight a student, and there were even rumours circulating around that he had become a trainee at some big label

he never really talked about the rumours, but he didn’t deny them either

needless to say, he was very popular

everyone loved him, students and teachers alike

you, on the other hand, were just a regular student trying to get by

you weren’t popular, but you weren’t exactly a loner either

you had friends that you hung out with regularly, so interacting with minho was a rarity

the only time you’d utter a word to the other was in the mornings when you’d greet each other

despite having lockers beside each other, he always went to his just as you were leaving yours

you didn’t have any classes together either

so you never really talked other than that

as the school years began again, students would be given new lockers

surprisingly, you and minho had managed to get lockers close to each other’s every time they changed

you thought nothing of it, other than thinking it was just pure coincidence

you didn’t even notice the lingering looks minho would send your way as you closed your locker and walked off every morning

by the time you two were seniors, the rumours had been confirmed

minho had been a trainee under S.M since he was fifteen

you had been slightly amazed he managed to keep it a ‘secret’ for so long, but otherwise you didn’t really care

for once, you actually did have a class with minho

AP art history, to be exact

you liked art history but you detested the idea of AP classes because of their difficulty (you’d rather sit home and watch tv honestly), but having taken an AP class looked good to the college/university you wanted to get into so you just dealt with it

plus the other AP courses were full

you sat in the front, not by choice – the teacher had assigned seats

minho sat two rows behind you and to the left one desk

so you never really noticed him

that is, until you were partnered up together

one morning, your teacher came to class in a giddy mood

she was apparently really excited about something

after taking mandatory attendance, she’d clap her hands happily

“alright, class, this is my favourite part of teaching this course!

“you and a partner are going to be given a fortnight’s time to put together props and costumes to recreate a given painting from any of the time periods that we have discussed. you will be presenting these in the auditorium downstairs for the ninth to eleventh graders taking history.”

a collective groan settled from the back of the class

you felt tempted to join in, considering how much time that would take out of your time for your other classes, but since you were in the front you held your slight vexation in

she told the first two rows to come stand up front, which you begrudgingly did, and told everyone standing to pick a paper out of a straw hat

“these will be your partners, please state who you’ve gotten once you pick.”

you were at the end of the line, so it took a while to get to you but by the time she reached you there was only one paper left

when you pulled it out, your breath caught in your throat

“choi minho”

you looked up, quickly making eye contact with the aforementioned male

after realizing you were blatantly staring, you looked away

you’ve never really thought about it before, but minho sure did mature – appearance-wise anyway

he was no longer that slightly dorky looking kid you had first met in freshman year, nor was he the same soccer captain from your sophomore year

your teacher then proceeded to get yet another hat, this time a simple black fedora, and went to the remaining students

“and in this hat will be your assigned paintings”

you watched minho, as the first one in the third row, pulled out a slip of paper

“read them aloud for your partner, will you?”

and so, minho did just that

“The Mourning of Christ by Giotto di Bondone”

you easily remembered the painting, both by name and artist

there had been numerous depictions of the lamentation, but the class had studied Giotto’s version mere weeks beforehand

time went on as your teacher managed to get to everyone

it was a short day that day, being wednesday, and passing out the slips and explaining the entire project plus answering curious questions took a whopping half hour and now there was only have of the class left

does anyone else have short days or is it just me

so your teacher gave you all time to discuss with your partner

you awkwardly stumbled back to minho’s desk

you nearly fell over when he smiled up at you before you sat down in the empty seat in front of his desk

me too [Y/N] me too

“so,, when are you free?”

you guys made plans, which happened to be every other day (he had club activities and as did you)

your first meeting would be that very day

you guys basically spent the rest of class talking about your club activities instead of the project

oops

you learned that he started losing sleep over being a trainee, school, et cetera.

to which you scolded him (kind of) because sleep is important to function properly

says me lol i’m such a hypocrite

anyway the bell rang before you knew it

and you were off to your last class of the day

which happened to be in the same direction as minho’s

so he walked you to your class

before you could enter, he smiled over at you and waved before moving along to his next class, disappearing within the crowd of high school students

you just stood outside the door because wow that was so cute

it took your friend nudging you to go in for you to actually move

anywho, timeskip to later

minho was already waiting at your locker

which you thought was odd considering his class was a bit farther away from the lockers than yours was

and you had booked it out of your last class

weird you thought

after grabbing your things you guys headed to a small cafe (how many times have i mentioned cafes in past prompt posts istg) to plan

he ordered your drink for you despite your numerous protests

“alright!! so what do we do”

you started laughing because of how eager he sounded

the tips of his ears went red but he laughed along with you anyway

you thought getting the costumes out of the way first was easier and minho agreed

the two of you were free so you decided to go out and buy cloth for costumes

after finishing your drinks you guys went out to a secluded shop a few blocks away that sold sewing supplies and such

after buying the appropriate cloths, you guys headed to minho’s house since it was closer

you didn’t miss the teasing grin minho’s mom sent him when she saw you walk in

you guys spent a few hours putting together the simple costumes, talking and listening to music in the midst of it

you had to go home before seven so he offered to walk you home

you didn’t have a choice really because he was already slipping his shoes on before you could kindly refuse

the walk home was in silence, unlike how you had been mere minutes before

but it was a comfortable silence

not many people were about, with it getting colder and darker faster as the winter season approached

he noticed you were shivering and did the cliche move of hanging his jacket over your shoulders

when you looked over at him, he pretended as if he hadn’t done it

you just shrugged, face warmer than it was before, hugging the jacket to your cold body

it didn’t take long for you guys to reach your house

“here,” you moved to shrug off his jacket but he quickly stopped you

“keep it”

“but–”

“you can just give it back tomorrow,” and with that he sent you the same smile that had been killing you all day long before jogging back into the darkness

you stared at his back as his form slowly got smaller as he got farther and farther away before chuckling in amusement

what a dork

the next few days went like that

you did most of the work at his house since it was closer to the school

you guys progressed well, finishing making the costumes and collecting the necessary props a few days before d-day

now all that was left was to gather people to help you do it

your teacher was strict about you not having the help of peers in your AP art history class

she very strongly insisted that you have people outside of art history help you

because it should be you and your partner’s grade alone

so minho gathered some ‘friends’ outside of your school and you got together some of your friends as well

before you all met, minho brought you to the side to inform you of something

“my friends are other trainees”

“… what”

he then explained that he was put into a group with four other people (when was shinee actually put together??? idk) but he wasn’t that close with one of them yet

as in

they argued

and bickered

a lot

he basically told you to brace yourself for the tension between him and that person, who was apparently named kim kibum

alright so you guys all met at the park

one by one everyone arrived

until the eleven of you were kind of just standing around

minho was right, you could really feel the tension between him and kibum

minho had also told you that it had taken him an entire two hours to get him to agree to helping

and even then he was losing fifty bucks

so you explained the project and the painting to everyone and gave them their jobs

everyone else would be the mourning friends/family whilst you would be mary and minho would be Christ

kibum ended up snickering after seeing how much minho would have to be lacking of clothes

he got hit upside the head for that

anyway everyone agreed to to go out and buy wigs and beards for their characters because damn you and minho couldn’t pay for everything

timeskip again oops

on the day you were to present it

it had suddenly dawned on you that you would literally be leaning over minho’s face

sure, his eyes were closed and he’d be wearing a beard (not to mention his lack of clothing, as kibum said) but you were still going to be leaning over him for a number of minutes

why it had only just come across to you that it would be like that, you had no idea

needless to say, you felt flustered

over time you had grown to like minho

it wasn’t too serious, but you could definitely see yourself falling for him and his little quirks

which was why you were now shaking backstage wearing blue robes and a light brown wig that you had tied back (if you already have brown hair you’re not wearing a wig then)

minho had come up to you, asking you if you were okay

as much as you wanted to yell no you just smiled and said you were nervous about being on stage

“don’t worry, it’ll only be for a second! besides, you won’t be looking at the audience anyway, if that’s what you’re worried about

you just nodded, internally grateful that minho had the consciousness to wear a robe of somesort before you guys went up

then, you heard your teacher call you and minho up

you and your group scrambled onstage, hiding behind a stand of what was supposed to resemble a picture frame – but really just looked like a plain rectangle – and a drawn curtain

some backstage helper drew the curtains open after everyone had gotten into position

you could hear cameras going off and subtle chatter going on in the rows of chairs before you, but you tried your best to ignore them and your pounding heartbeat

holding minho in your arms whilst staring at him was enough to make you feel more nervous than any presentation could

you heard your teacher’s voice thanking your group, along with the applause of all the students and other that were littered around the auditorium

the curtains closed once again and everyone relaxed

before you could let minho go he opened his eyes

you froze, your face burning up

minho noticed this and chuckled, pulling himself into a sitting position

you were trying really hard to focus on his face and not on the fact that he was only wearing shorts

“good job”

and with that, he stood up

you willed yourself to stand, thanking everyone who had helped you before scurrying off the stage, half because of nervousness and half for the next group that was waiting for their turn to go up

you could barely untie your hair/wig before a man came up to you, a look of astonishment on his face

“are you two [Y/F/N] and choi minho?”

“yes?”

to your surprise, he began to gush over how amazing your presentation had looked and how detailed it was, from the clothes, to the props, to the painted background – everything

minho chuckled awkwardly, obviously feeling as confused as you were “sorry,,, who are you, sir?”

the man then apologized before pulling something out of his coat

he gave you a business card, one that left you gaping

‘mr. yoon jungmin ; scouter for – university’

the university wasn’t even in korea, but you could recognize it because it was just that big of a university

it was really well known for its variety of courses as well, including art history

“i’m the university’s international scouter and your teacher and i talked about it and i’d like to offer the two of you possible scholarships” –lmao if only it was this easy but let’s pretend okay

you were in straight up awe because you got noticed by a scouter for putting together a few costumes

“you don’t have to talk now, but do consider”

then mr. yoon walked away

leaving you and minho just :o

minho obviously wasn’t going to accept, he had a huge opportunity staying in s. korea, but you on the other hand

you kind of just went quiet because you were confused

you would love to go to the university, it’d open up great job options for you, but at the same time you’ve never left home really

(if you’re not korean you were born there after your parents moved??? idk i’m tired nothing i say is making sense sorry)

minho noticed and ruffled your hair

“hey, we don’t graduate for another few months, you’ll have time to think it over”

you didn’t miss the sad tone he spoke in that he tried to hide under his smile

“you okay?” you asked

minho just nodded before excusing himself to talk to the boys (shinee)

timeskip to graduation

you and minho kept in contact after the project and became really close friends

you never really brought up the scholarship again so minho had assumed you turned down mr. yoon’s offer

but in reality you had accept a month and a half prior you just had no idea how to tell him

you had already discussed it with your parent(s)/guardian(s) but you had no clue on how you were going to break the news to minho

he had started flirting with you sometime after the project, but he never acted on anything, but you assumed he liked you to some extent

and you really did end up falling for him

because how could you not, he was funny and incredibly sweet to you

after he started flirting, he basically cemented that in stone

before you knew it, graduation had snuck up on you and you still hadn’t told him

you were kind of freaking out because ‘what if he gets mad at me?’

of course, you’d still go to the university if that happened but you’d go with a heavy heart

you tried to find him before the ceremony but you couldn’t

you only saw him standing in line to get his hs diploma

you silently cursed the world because now minho was going to find out you were going to be going halfway across the world via master of ceremonies

you dreaded the moment your name got called, along with the scholarships that had been offered to you

the mc decided to make it worse by announcing that you had already accepted one of the scholarships, the one mr. yoon had offered

you looked over the stage and noticed how gobsmacked minho looked

not to mention how hurt he looked

after shaking the principal’s hand, you stood next to the others who had gone before you, looking down the entire time

you didn’t want to look at minho just yet

too soon after, the ceremony was over and parents and friends alike were rushing over to congratulate the graduates

minho had tried to find you, but you had seemingly disappeared within the crowd

an hour later, while you sat on a secluded staircase within the school, you got a text from minho

‘where are you’

you started freaking out, but you told him anyway

you couldn’t run away from this forever

you didn’t get a response, which made you dread the seconds that passed by insufferably slowly

you heard footsteps nearing you from behind, coupled with someone’s winded breaths

you didn’t stand up and bowed your head, knowing very well who stood behind you

“you accepted the scholarship”

“…”

“and you didn’t tell me?”

you lifted your head ever so slightly and glanced at him over your shoulder

“… yeah.”

there was a moment of silence before he walked closer and sat down beside you

he sat as close as ever, a habit he had gotten after spending loads of time with you

…

“i didn’t know how to tell you”

he didn’t answer

his silence scared you, so you willed yourself to look at him

when you did, he was already staring at you

you couldn’t tell what he was thinking – something that was strange to you, you had grown to be able to read his emotions like a book over the past few months

without saying anything, he leaned forward, pressing a fleeting kiss against your lips

your eyes widened, you didn’t have time to react before he was pulling away

“i really like you, [Y/N],” he’d whisper as he bore into your eyes

now, you could see the fondness that shone in both of his irises

you wanted to shy away, but instead you kept looking at him

“minho… i’m going to move.”

“i know,” he smiled gently, a broken smile that didn’t reach his eyes, “i’ll wait for you.”

four years later, you were graduating yet again

you smiled, shaking the mc’s hand gratefully as he handed you your degree

as you stopped to smile for pictures, just as every other graduate had done, you noticed a certain someone standing in the crowd

despite his ‘disguise’, what with a cap and a medical mask, you could easily recognize him, having seen pictures of the very outfit numerous times before

upon seeing him, your smile widened

after the ceremony, your eyes searched the crowd for that certain someone

suddenly, arms wrapped around your torso, a familiar scent invading your olfactory sense

he had long since had his debut, but he was still as kind as ever, something you noted after hearing him whisper dozens of congratulations to you

you turned around, pulling minho’s mask down (and covering your faces with your hand; a precaution he had joked about in the past) and kissing him square on the lips

he didn’t hesitate to kiss back, grinning into the kiss as you stumbled back from the amount of force he had used to hug you

pulling away, you grinned at him

“hey”

he grinned back, playing with your graduation gown

“hey back, love”

i highkey want to rewrite this as a detailed imagine ngl

115 notes · View notes

augmentedampharos · 7 years

Text

also last night I couldn’t sleep cause I was thinking about anti-semitism that I’ve experienced and had a realization about one of my experiences

I was in middle school (or early high school idr) and went to a friend’s birthday party. I didn’t know most of the people there.

Anyway people are just chatting and someone suddenly starts talking about “their weird Jewish neighbor” (honestly I don’t recall any of it I just kind of froze and panicked I don’t even know what was “weird” but they were making fun of one of our holidays).

Another friend (not the birthday girl) said, “hey, {augmentedampharos} is Jewish.”

And then everyone apologized and we talked about something else.

At the time, I was...grateful for that. In retrospect, what the fuck. That’s not what you do to stop that sort of thing. It put me on the spot. I felt humiliated even further. You don’t call attention to the person. You say something like, “stop making fun of Jews asshat” or more realistically, “it’s not okay to mock other people for their culture.” You don’t call out the person who is being made fun of. I know, we were middle schoolers, but somehow I only realized this now. I dunno. It all hurts sometimes. I was just so embarrassed and humiliated about my failure to stand up for myself and my religion.

In contrast, sophomore year of high school I had friends who defended me, and looking back now I should have valued them more than I did.

We had a “World History” course where every Friday we would bring in articles about what was going on in the world that piqued our interest to discuss. Not every article was discussed. I remember that week there had been an incident at an elementary school where some kids decided it was, “Punch a Jew Day”. Kids. Decided this. That’s horribly fucked up. I think I neglected to bring that article in because I found it upsetting.

Well, someone else in the class brought it in, and brought it up, saying how it was, “hilarious”. And to some degree, I get it. It’s so absurd sounding that you think it’s funny. I get it, I do. But the thing is, it’s not funny, and I think for most of you the reasons why are obvious, but I’ll enumerate some of them anyway. Where did these kids learn this? Where did these kids get these ideas? From their parents. What does that mean? Anti-semitism is alive and well (which is obvious in this day and age but as a naive child I wanted to believe it wasn’t). Teaching hate starts at a young age.

Anyway, I don’t really remember what I did at this time. The methods for participating in the discussion I think involved throwing a thing to the next person to speak. I don’t remember the order, but a Muslim friend of mine and a Mormon friend of mine both spoke, and immediately shut that shit down. They didn’t make the mistake my other friend did. They explained that it wasn’t funny, and that it was awful. And then the class moved on.

So uh, where was the teacher in all of that? I don’t know. I remember telling my parents I don’t know why she didn’t say anything. I think sometimes she didn’t pay attention during these discussions, but on the other hand that’s giving her a cop-out. She should have said something, and she should have been paying attention, or else what was the point of having these conversations in class. Why didn’t she say anything? I think I’ve forgiven her (much as I’ve forgiven everyone in these stories, even myself for not speaking up), but I will never forget. Almost every teacher that could have stood up for me and for Judaism did not. What’s the lesson there, teach?

As an aside, because of the way my Mormon friend stood up for me and the respect I had for him, I have always felt terrible about the way that Mormons are kind of “fair game” for mocking their religion. There’s even an entire play devoted to that. I feel really guilty making fun of Mormonism and so I don’t. But it seems to me like almost everyone thinks it’s okay to make fun of them. Maybe I’m missing something, but I dunno...I know how I feel when my religion is mocked, although there’s some additional cultural context and baggage there.

I might as well finish this post with the last major incident from high school. This was senior year, and unfortunately the things that happened at the beginning of the year impacted the rest of it.

I had a teacher for AP Calculus BC. I’d had him for AB. He was fairly well-liked, although I can say I was never that fond of him. He liked to tease people and overly praise those of us in the class who did really well (myself, my Mormon friend, and two others from my friend group). For those of us who were religious, I felt that his “teasing” really went after us. I don’t remember the kind of jokes he made to my Mormon friend, but frankly I felt that they were too much. I also felt the jokes made at me were too much.

The worst and final straw happened very early that year (mind you, with the entirety of having this teacher for junior year behind me as well). I observe Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur. Those are the MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAYS in Judaism. I missed school for it. That’s what I do. It is important. It means a lot to me.

I came back from Yom Kippur, and this asshat of a shitbag teacher says to me, “did you have a good time fighting terrorists/palestinians in Israel while you were gone?” or something to that effect. Frankly, I was too horrified and upset to really remember what he said, or what I did. I think I said something like, “I wasn’t doing that”. No one stood up for me. Here’s the thing - no one stood up to this teacher. Ever. At least, as far as I know. It’s possible people talked to him privately, like I did, but...he was intimidating. And like all teachers in my high school, he was temperamental and could probably ruin your grade in the class if you pissed him off.

After talking to my parents, I made with him privately before school. There had been some incidents in Seattle that were clearly anti-semitic. I used those as a springboard to gently criticize his behavior. Criticize is way too strong a word here. I said something like, “hey, there’s been a lot of anti-semitism in Seattle lately {mentions incidents} so while I know you don’t mean any harm I’d appreciate if you didn’t make jokes like that anymore”. He agreed, and I left sweating bullets but hopeful.

He ignored me the rest of the year. He continued to praise other people, but even when I did as well or better, said nothing. True to his word, he didn’t make jokes about me or my religion anymore, which was good. But being ignored was in some ways just as bad.

And everyone loved this teacher, or at least pretended to love him. I really don’t fucking know why. I mean, I do, cause I liked him at first, but with any sort of critical eye he was awful. I didn’t really have anyone (except my parents) to talk to about it. And I knew the year after my brother would have him as a teacher, and I worried about that.

It really has stuck with me. Was it a case of “you have no sense of humor so I’ll just ignore you” or a case of, “fuck I could lose my job over this better just ignore here”? It doesn’t really matter to me what it was. The outcome was the same. This was the hardest to forgive, in some respects, but I think I have.

Oh, and the real ringer, is that in my yearbook (which I still asked him to sign for some reason, idk) he wrote an apologize for not acknowledging my accomplishments. He knew was he was doing, enough to apologize for it. He knew that what he did was wrong. But an apology when you will never see me again is too late. I can’t take it seriously.

The experiences we have matter. One bad teacher, a good friend or two, they matter. Anti-semitism is alive and well. I am often afraid. And sometimes I remember these things, and I weep. Nothing will ever change the raw emotions I felt from having my identity mocked, especially from those in a position of power over me.

#personal #antisemitism #anti-semitism #my experiences

20 notes · View notes

carbonsequestrian · 4 years

Text

man i dont even know if i should share this because it’s super weird/ poorly written/ doesn’t make any sense but i feel like i keep too much too myself so here is a block of text i wrote and didn’t edit and if you read it, i love you.

Well, id like to kick off my music blogging career with a piece about a song that has continued to inspire me since the moment I heard it about 5 years ago. Something about the song awakens this dragon in me… or rather, something about the song awakens a knight that is about to go and slay a dragon, and that feeling crashes into every fiber of my being resulting in me feeling fucking powerful. Idk what the secret is. I wish I had found this sound when I did a song analysis project for my freshman writing seminar back in college. (I chose Sublime’s Santeria for that project… and it was a shit show. Believe it or not, trying to write 10 pages about a song that doesn’t inspire every fiber of your being is insanely difficult. Lesson – if you have to write a lot, write about something you fucking love and admire.)

The song is Don’t Waste Time Doing Things You Hate by And So I Watch You From Afar of their self titled 2009 release. I think it’s their debut album. Anyway, the band makes instrumental rock music. Stuff that superheroes and supervillains alike would use as a theme song. I discovered them from Worldhaspostrock on youtube, so check them out.

Of course, now that im sitting down to write about the song I cannot think of any words to say about it. Lovely how that happens. Especially after bragging about how easy it is to write about something you love. HA>

If you’ve ever done something you hate, you sure know how that feels. Part of you feels trapped -momma didn’t raise no quitter – and another part of you is too busy daydreaming about what you’d rather be doing to formulate a plot to get you there. Feeling stuck doing something you hate is exactly how I felt when I discovered this song. I chose my major at college based on what a guy who I’d met over the internet was studying, he called me pretty and would send me ‘good morning’/ ‘sweet dreams’ texts, so we were obviously super serious. And I was going to study the same thing as him and we would conquer the world together, duh. Lo and behold, I hated my major. And because I hated my major, I didn’t really fit in with any of the people I met through my major. There was one chick who I liked because she hated it too, but we were very different people. I did sports in college instead of joining a music group (being in an acapella group was a last minute goal of mine) because A. everyone in my family was super sporty B. no one in my family thought very highly of music and C. I was fucking terrified of it. Every bit of it sends anxiety chills down my spine and up my toes. Singing in front of people in a room? Singing with people? Having people rely on you to do your thing correctly in order to achieve a desired result? Fuck that’s anxiety inducing. And let me make this clear, I don’t have stage fright. But I do have Perfectionist Block (a totally real issue, created by me, ill discuss it further in another post) which makes me extremely hard on myself.

So anyway, to paint the picture – 20 year old me is in the library for the 50th hour that week (no kidding, I went to Cornell, and seriously spent 6-10 hours a day in the library studying during regular term. Finals/ testing weeks, it’d double) looking for upbeat instrumental music that could make me feel like a bad ass and I find this band. The first song I found by them was The Voiceless, off the same album. That song fucking slaps. I must’ve listened to it 30 times before saying “hey, why don’t I check out their other stuff?” and thus gave this album a listen. I was so stressed that week, so tired, felt so lost and alone. I hated every fucking minute of my life but I was pushing through it because I wanted to make my mom proud. Every morning I would angrily get ready for class, pissed off that elitism and this desperate urge to prove oneself through menial shit such as ‘ivy league’ degrees would push someone to find the line of their breaking point and balance on it. All for what? If I died tomorrow, who could speak of who I am? At cornell, I was a cornell student. That was it. By being there, I wasn’t anything of myself anymore. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t funny, I wasn’t good with animals, I wasn’t a hard-worker, I wasn’t smart – though, those last traits were implied – I simply became a product of an institution. One that I loved, don’t get me wrong. I had been looking for reassurance/ acceptance/ approval my entire life, and that letter that I got from a world renowned school was it – so I thought. But then I got there and my imposter syndrome went wild. I wasn’t truly smart, or good at learning. In fact, high school had been so easy for me that I was able to scrape by with great grades without ever working on schoolwork outside of school (I’d do my work during lunch, when I would eat in the chorus room/ my English teacher’s room since I had no friends.) at school, I thought I’d made friends, but they ditched me when I needed them most. In retrospect, I should’ve been more forgiving – no one’s perfect - but ill blame my poor socialization through high school here. I saw kids who worked their asses off day and night. A 16 year old math prodigy lived in my hall. And I had nothing to show for my intelligence outside of the fact I was able to take enough HS classes in middle school that I’d manage to have 4 hours of school my senior year (typically, that time would be so that kids could take extra APs. But I said fuck that.)

Truth is, I was so insecure and unsure of myself that being thrown into the lava pit that is college – any college, not just an ivy league – was emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I found myself getting drunk to the point of almost dying most nights. Every time with strangers. I’d often go to the bridges, where so many had leapt to their deaths before, and ponder if that’s where I belonged. Crashing amongst the rocks and water in the gorges. Man, I was fucking depressed. And a ball of anxiety. I had no real identity, you’d ask me what I liked or what I wanted from my life and I’d have no real answer. My answer would vary based on what youtube videos I had been watching that week. I was so scared of being judged.

Point is, I found nothing that I felt a connection to. Not my major. Not my peers. Occasionally my surroundings, but typically only in the morbid, I’d like to throw myself off this sort of way. Life is so much more complex than those things, and truth is, ill never really be able to explain away all of the different shit in my life that was bringing me down. Making me feel worthless. Dumb. Like I didn’t belong. And the first thing that I felt like understood this, was this song. Even writing that out I feel like it confirms my worst fears, that I am worthless/ delusional/ crazy/ not even a real person. How does one go through 20 years of life and can only feel connected to a pile of noises that a stranger has made and recorded? Wavelengths generated by someone else’s finger tips never felt so good. They resonated through my brain and spoke to my soul. It was like I was being sucked into a black hole and obliterated to nothing. And that was what I needed, because I was able to look at who I was and take a chance to rebuild. To change.

With no one to talk to, no one who understood me, and no real goals or aspirations in my life/ being too crippled by fear to even take a chance to achieve my goals/ aspirations in life, I darted in the complete opposite direction. Left that ‘dream school’ for a state school 2000 miles away. I still waste plenty of time doing things I hate, but every day I try to do my best to find the things I love. It’s been a long hard road, and I am so unsure of myself. I realize I’ll never have the validation I seek, at least not externally. Still, going to cornell is my greatest achievement and those close to me hold a grudge that I left without fulfilling my diploma. And looking back, I could’ve done it. Taken some time off, sought a therapist outside of the free service offered, opened up to some of the people I had met. Hindsight is 2020. And im here now.

This song means the world to me. The suspense of the guitar plucking in the intro is an emotion I was swallowed in. the anger and noise of the guitars from 1:11-1:30 was how I felt every morning when I looked at the day ahead. The desperation of the guitars at 2min how I looked at the people around me, who appeared to have their shit all together. Their heads above the water. Looking at me drowning below the surface. But I had a smile on my face, so I must have been fine. Then the clarity that comes at 3mins. The music starts to feel like it’s getting itself together. 3:35-4:15, when big changes happen. And the la la lalalalalas. That’s how I was, just “la de da-ing” my way through life, not really thinking about what I was going to take from this world and my short time getting to experience it. The song gets progressively happier, and calmer, as I hope my own life will be, though I’m still in my 3min phase when it feels like it’s starting to get itself together.

Ill always hold onto the hard times I went through at school. And ill wish everyday for a time machine, so I could go back in time and tell 18 year old me to just chill and ‘discover yourself, man’ before going to a place that has so much potential. Because the truth is, I was too insecure to be successful at such an institution. I still think I’m too insecure. But at least now I know, and I’m not living under this idea that because I got into a good school I am a good person and good things will come to me.

#and so i watch you from afar #don't waste time doing things you hate #post rock rocks

0 notes