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outdamnedguilt · 4 years ago

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vent

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I love you. I love you and ive never loved anyone like this. Next month we’ll have been dating for a YEAR. That’s really weird to think about. It hasn’t always been easy but at the same time it hasn’t felt. Difficult. It’s nice and a milestone, but not an “oh god we made it.” I dont want to take it back. I love him. I love him in ways I didn’t know existed. I love him in ways that made me ache in all the right places.

And that’s where it gets tricky, yeah? Because he does this thing where we promised to change and promises to work on stuff and it’s a month, two tops, and then. It’s back. And this is his last chance. He knows if he fucks this up it’s going to be a “one that got away” thing. And so will I, but I’m going to mourn for the person I could have had. I love this one but I can’t do this forever. How fucked is that? How casually cruel. It’s the eating and health thing where he got a nutritionist and lost 15 pounds and talked big game about wanting to lose like, 50 pounds except now he’s using his diet as a justification to eat shit and slack off instead of using this as a justification to change. Do you really want to change? Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you try? I don’t understand. Like you don’t understand why people are stupid, I don’t know why people won’t try. Congrats! You had all the tools and never used them! You yell at me for not using skills or calling Kati but what about you? Do you listen to your therapist? Do you lie to her too?

You don’t know you’re lying, do you? You lie to yourself enough that you believe it. You hear what you want to hear. You make it the truth. It’s killing me, you know? Did you know that? Did you know you give me panic attacks and I call it caring? You told me today when you were drunk that the only thing you really cared about was power and you’d sacrifice your morals and everything for it because nothing mattered to you and the faster you realized that nothing mattered in life the faster you’d be able to get places.

You made me want a fucking family, asshole.

You made me actually want to care about people and you made me open up and you made me think that maybe life had purpose and that the best part of it was the part you realize with other people. That you matter, and people matter, and the morals and values and activities you build your foundation on are what you base your happiness on. He bases his happiness on me. And here’s the part where I can hold him but I can’t fix anything and I don’t know how and I’m not even mad I’m just upset and I’m scared that I’ll lose you and that you never turn into the kind of person that stands for something. If you don’t stand for anything, what will you fall for? Boyfriends made out of cardboard and tape. Blow away in the wind.

And the part I tried to say something about was that I’m scared. But I wasn’t going to bring up us, because bad mental state rough night etc etc etc. I was scared because I’ve been manic for three days and I stopped feeling hunger and idk I’d I’ve eaten over 2000 calories over the last 3 days combined but I have so much energy and I hyper focus on work. I’m amazing. I’m a robot. I’m obvi cable. I’m not sleeping. Like, 5, 4, 5, 3, 3 hours. That’s deadly. And so much caffeine. And so many ibuprofens and lithium and meds. I’m wrecking my body in a desperate attempt to be good enough to keep it together. That’s why I was scared. Because I was sitting in the bathroom and shaking uncontrollably and can’t focus my eyes on anything to me and I was SCARED. And I was trying to tell you that I can’t stop thinking about tearing my thighs apart and I can’t think of a single good reason not to hurt myself other than “everyone will be upset at me” because I want to feel something human and I want to prove I’m still a human with blood and not circuit wiring because I don’t feel human. That’s what I wanted to say josh, because I went to go stuff all those feelings down and walk in and pretend I was so okay but then we tried to talk and I KNOW I have bad timing and my bipolar flares up at the perfect wrong time so the conversation didn’t happen and I let you sidetrack it and then you had a panic attack and I held you and everything was okay.

You kept repeating that you needed to stuff it down. That it wasn’t you. The bad stuff. And I know it isn’t you because I know you. But I can’t tell you that you have to unpack your god complex and you can’t hide everything you don’t like because it scares you. You know every one of my fucking skeletons and you’re watching open all the locked doors that you’re slamming closed on yourself. Do you see? I did the same thing. I know how it feels to have feelings that aren’t you and you don’t want so you try and step on them. I’m having them right now! Look babe! A party trick! I can kill myself at the drop of a hat! Isn’t that funny? That I tried to tell you.

And now it’s 3:30 am and I’m bawling my eyes out in the corner of your bed because I want to not exist and I want to disappear and I want to go in your fucking bathroom and tear a razor apart so I feel something and so all my temper tantrums and moods and sadness and burden gets paid for. You’re too patient. I have to burn something down, but you’ve already got yourself covered. You’re doing everything so right and being so supportive (like, with hiccups sometimes but on balance great) and I feel like all I ever am at you is irritated unless it’s me staring at you across the passenger seat when you take me out to dinner and play pop punk and we sing together at the top of our lungs. And then we get to the restaurant and you have no money because you don’t have a job and keep making excuses for why. Fucking dammit I wanted this to work. FUCK. FUXK. I want to scream. I’m already sobbing. I love you I love you I love you.

It isn’t enough

#vent #oct #I talk

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academicsapphic · 7 years ago

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92 Question Tag

Tagged by @annikki-studies thanks a bunch!

LAST:

Drink: always water

Phone call: the pharmacy

Text message: “everyone i know just leaves after sleeping together unless they’re like dating” - me to a GC

Song you listened to: Crushed Little Stars - Mitski

Time you cried: i don’t even remember which frightens me cause i normally cry every five seconds

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: i haven’t even dated someone once 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t even kissed someone once 8. Been cheated on: see #6 9. Lost someone special: i don’t feel like i have? 10. Been depressed: it’s my way of life 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: okay so i did drink a punch at my friend’s party and i didn’t get drunk but my body completely rejected it cause i drank half a cup really slowly with water, was completely lucid, and ten minutes later started vomiting. that’s enough liquor for me i shall stick with beer. and im still salty cause i was like i wanna see what its like to be tipsy i wanna let loose and have fun! and my body was like “how about no fun and only puke”. all that to say: yes and no??? DON’T DRINK LIQUOR MIXED WITH JUICE IT’S A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN EITHER DO SHOTS OR DRINK BEER OR DRINK NOTHING

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: purple, certain blues, gray

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: omg so many. ive made shitty ones then i made my actual ones. all you do in college is make friends. 16. Fallen out of love: havent been in it. ive fallen out of infatuation though 17. Laughed until you cried: of course, all the time, my friends are ridiculous 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah that’s always a great feeling 19. Met someone who changed you: i’m sure lots of people i’ve met are responsible for who i am today 20. Found out who your friends are: yes, see #15 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: see #7 GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them why would i add strangers 23. Do you have any pets: a dog 24. Do you want to change your name: not really 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i think we went to dinner 26. What time did you wake up: like 6 something? not being at college means i have a normal sleep schedule and i hate it 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping i hate summer 28. Name something you can’t wait for: MOVE-IN MOVE-IN MOVE-IN I WANNA GO BACK TO UNI SO BAD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: about an hour or two ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: so many things i cant even list but also im very grateful for my life so like idk 31. What are you listening to right now: HIMYM 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ?? idk 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: summer, registration, sometimes my family 34. Most visited websites: Netflix, YouTube, Tumblr, Amazon, Vandy’s registration site, and MyFitnessPal

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: my arm, my neck, my chin 36. Mark/s: a lot, birthmarks, scars, places ive burned myself 37. Childhood dream: same one i have now, be a professional musician and performer 38. Hair color: dark almost black brown 39. Long or short hair: long, but recently my hair got cut and i actually really like it short too but for the long run, long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: no life is boring and im giving my feelings a break from getting hurt 41. What do you like about yourself: sometimes my music is good and my eyes are a nice color but i hate everything about me lol 42. Piercings: basic ears 43. Blood type: no idea 44. Nickname: Bree 45. Relationship status: single, as i have been for my whole life, as i will be for my whole life 46. Zodiac: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Fringe/The Office 49. Tattoos: Nope, maybe someday, something small on my wrist or hand, but probably not cause my pain tolerance is -100 50. Right or left hand: left 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: ive gotten highlights a couple times 53. Sport: softball from childhood through high school 55. Vacation: going to myrtle beach next week 56. Pair of trainers: what are trainers? MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: just made myself dinner (veggie burger with lettuce bun and 100-calorie fries) 58. Drinking: water, obv 59. I’m about to: eat some frozen grapes and do some cardio 61. Waiting for: School to start jesus i wanna go back so bad

62. Want: all my wildest dreams to come true 63. Get married: i like really really wanna spend my life with someone so hopefully that happens someday 64. Career: idk yet. maybe grad school, maybe law school, maybe my music career will take off and ill get to do my passion for a living WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: i wouldnt know cause no kisses yet 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: for guys, taller, for girls i dont care cause theyre all so beautiful i shant dare have a preference for their anything 68. Older or younger: older but not by a lot 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i truly dont care i have neither so how could i judge 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i love crying and i wanna have a df who cries too 72. Hook up or relationship: not that i could get either, but relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker cause im so hesitant HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: yes it tastes so bad but i stuck through it to try to get drunk 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i literally lost my right contact at the beginning of senior year and spent the rest of highschool wearing just my left one. i’m a mess. i’ve never lost my glasses though *knock on wood* 77. Turned someone down: yes which is amazing 78. Sex on the first date: if im going on a date with someone ive probably already known them for a while since dating strangers terrifies me so sure maybe why not 79. Broken someone’s heart: doubt it 80. Had your heart broken: not truly? like ive never been in love but in an infatuation crush sense? literally all the time. i spent all second semester so heartbroken that i was in physical pain for months at a time over this guy i liked so much who had a girlfriend and was also really annoying so it wasnt even worth it. it took a therapy session to get out of it.

81. Been arrested: no my black ass would probably be killed first 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: I never fall for friends. that’s so weird to me. when i first meet you i’m either not attracted to you so you’re therefore just my friend, or i’m attracted to you and i can’t just like you as a friend so you’re a crush. but i’ve never been friends with someone i liked, i’ve only liked strangers and people i’ve never talked to cause im pathetic. i could never like one of my friends oh my god. when friends like me, i get so uncomfortable i can hardly look at them. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: honestly i have to cause its kind of hard to let down the only person on your team at all times 85. Miracles: kind of, i believe that everything happens for a reason and the universe/gods have a plan so if something miraculous happens it was meant to happen 86. Love at first sight: i believe in first really strong attraction that turns into love 87. Santa Claus: not anymore :’( 88. Kiss on the first date: definitely, even before the first date who cares OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: don’t really have a single best friend 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s probably

#mine

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